tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31238193195489980952024-03-13T22:29:36.980-05:00The Masks We WearAnd the faces behind themAekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.comBlogger478125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-11088550857301591862015-12-20T15:45:00.002-06:002015-12-20T15:45:47.426-06:00The Adventures Continue<div style="text-align: justify;">
This time it has been 6 months. The delays in my posts get longer, but life proceeds at its frenetic pace. And there is much to update y'all on.</div>
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<b>1. Senior Resident</b></div>
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It's been interesting being a senior resident and overseeing the brand new baby interns. There are 2 overwhelming thoughts: 1.) It's crazy how much I've grown as a resident and as a doctor, 2.) I have a new-found appreciate for my senior residents when I was an intern (and I found myself doing some of the things they did!). I've also developed an unofficial "rule" for a well-functioning team: the team that laughs together, works well together. :-)</div>
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<b>2. Fellowship Interviews</b></div>
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For most of September and October, I've been busy with fellowship interviews. I decided to pursue a fellowship in pediatric rheumatology after all. There are few fellowship programs in this field and oddly even fewer applicants! It's not a well-exposed or popular fellowship. But hey, I guess that works in my advantage. Here are pics of some places I've interviewed:</div>
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Cincinnati, OH</div>
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Pittsburgh, PA</div>
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Ann Arbor,MI</div>
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Seattle, WA</div>
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<b>3. Another Away Rotation</b></div>
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Yay another away rotation! This time in pediatric dermatology because, well, I suck at dermatology. And knowing some dermatology will be useful for rheumatology in the future. See if you can figure out where I did my rotation from the following pics:</div>
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<b>4. Match Day</b></div>
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And about 1 week ago, I found out that I matched fellowship in Pacific Northwest. That's exciting. I'm a tad annoyed that I didn't match in the Bay Area, as my odds were higher of matching there. Oh well. I can't ruminate on this for too long. I must admit, it's probably the better program. I was willing to "sacrifice" some career potential in order to be closer to family and focus a bit more on social life, which has been on hold for so long. But it seems that the universe has other plans for me.</div>
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<b>5. (Lack of) Social Life</b></div>
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Yup. Still single. Not for some lack of trying, but maybe I'm just doing it wrong? Maybe I'll find someone in the area where I do fellowship? Should I remain always hopeful? I don't know.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-72177348991691168972015-06-14T17:29:00.001-05:002015-06-14T17:30:45.784-05:00Found and Lost<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://nonnetta.deviantart.com/art/Lost-and-found-375922039">.Lost and found.</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u senior username" href="http://nonnetta.deviantart.com/">Nonnetta</a><span class="user-symbol senior" data-gruser-type="senior" data-quicktip-text="Senior Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">DeviantArt</a></div>
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I've become worse and worse about posting. Sorry. Residency has been busy and I've been too tired/lazy in what little free time I have to reflect. But as I'm on vacation this week (and my original first and second plans fell through), here's Part 1 of several updates. Without further ado, Part 1: Found and Lost.</div>
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So in my <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2015/02/happy-singles-awareness-day.html">last post</a>, I mentioned Pikachu. We did end up going on a trip to the Big Sur area. It was an amazing (albeit too short) trip. I'm always stunned at how gorgeous the coastlines of this state are! Here are some pics (from just the first day):</div>
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Big Sur coastline</div>
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Bixby Bridge<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj89ROB4C7ym_I2qQpVE-poKzScGAih1RFVhZwAUpzYjcOwQcrXRmJYns1B4rC_jwDqYxCEobtjddogvwOeoYTvv0xLfDvVUB5-N61NnLTDvW7kRm2uVFbquiMF0nFiD0hsWhPXpCiqoFg/s1600/Bixby+Bridge+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
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Valley View</div>
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Pfeiffer Beach (yes, parts of the sand are purple)</div>
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More stunning coastline!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGR1csUW5vB7MXumdQEBBMUjoIrogZGWax-K7RwxDGQVpkO3g2xTRjaf5XBIHXmcp2G0xRQ5PADZ7uzoKdsFK0eYbe3FboWR9BnnUkmBi3HcSjHDsQhJx8T7qRzXOvBsrNBT6kzkDKMkg/s1600/McWay+Falls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGR1csUW5vB7MXumdQEBBMUjoIrogZGWax-K7RwxDGQVpkO3g2xTRjaf5XBIHXmcp2G0xRQ5PADZ7uzoKdsFK0eYbe3FboWR9BnnUkmBi3HcSjHDsQhJx8T7qRzXOvBsrNBT6kzkDKMkg/s320/McWay+Falls.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And the iconic McWay Falls</div>
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We had a great time! Yes, we did fool around a bit in bed at the hotel. That was not planned but practically expected. I won't elaborate much here, but suffice to say he's a passionate kisser and left me with a few hickies (which was a bit of a problem hiding behind my collar in clinic the following Monday, lol). More than anything sexual though, it was just nice to lie next to someone and cuddle. It's a wondrous thing, the sensation of touch.</div>
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Suffice to say, by the time we parted ways I had fallen for him. But then an odd thing happened. His work really picked up speed and he became very stressed out and distant (presumably from all the work he had to do). We had gone from texting/Skyping almost every other day to just a couple times a week. I continued to say "Hi" and "Good morning" almost every day for a while with a scarce reply. I was beginning to wonder what was going on.</div>
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When we finally carved out some time to chat on Skype, I confessed that I really liked him in a way that I hadn't felt towards many other people before. He took it as a compliment but didn't elaborate much more. Later he would go on to say that long-distance never works out. He was referencing a friend and her long-distance relationship, but I took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be (at least, not at this time). The distance between us is about 2.5-3 hours' drive, and he categorically refuses to come to my part of the state.</div>
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And so perhaps that was it. It almost felt like things evaporated away. We still text and chat from time to time, but it's mostly me doing the initiating. I feel the gulf of distance and at first it ate away at me. Yeah, I still have feeling for him and I wonder if I were to match fellowship near him, would we have a chance? Or would he find someone else in the intervening time?</div>
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I let my guard down. I let a mask fall. I let myself feel vulnerable. And things didn't go as I had hoped. I hate this feeling. And what's worse is the feeling that I may very well end up alone anyway. My 20s are quickly fading with each advancing day - is there any hope for this remaining time? Or will I find what I seek in my early 30s?</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-9983886152740442942015-02-15T01:22:00.000-06:002015-02-15T01:22:46.770-06:00Happy Single's Awareness Day<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="310" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=197371539&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="310" flashvars="id=197371539&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br />
<a href="http://ayame-kenoshi.deviantart.com/art/Singles-Awareness-Day-197371539">Singles Awareness Day</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u senior username" href="http://ayame-kenoshi.deviantart.com/">Ayame-Kenoshi</a><span class="user-symbol senior" data-gruser-type="senior" data-quicktip-text="Senior Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">DeviantArt</a></div>
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Wow, it's been about a month and a half since I last posted! I suppose a few things have happened in the interim . . .</div>
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So I guess the focus of this post will center on this guy. I'll call him Pikachu because he likes Pokemon. So I met Pikachu back at the end of December 2014. We had chatted on/off for months on a dating/hook-up app (no, it's not Grindr) but since we lived about 3 hours away from each other, we never had the opportunity to meet until December.</div>
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Since then, we've been texting each other almost every day. More recently over the past 2 weeks, we've been Skyping about every other day; sometimes it's only for 10-15 minutes but other times it's been over an hour. I've got a vacation planned for the end of this month, and we're planning on spending 2-3 days together on a mini trip/hike of the Big Sur area.</div>
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I think I'm beginning to really <i>like </i>him. It's been quite a while since I've thought that way about anyone. I've chatted with both guys and girls on/off via online dating sites/apps for the past 2 years. A few of them (mostly girls) have made it past that to texting. But then it fizzles out when my schedule becomes busy. They don't initiate conversation and I can't sustain it one-sided. But with Pikachu, he texts me in the morning to say "Hi" or "Good morning." Simple as that. But it keeps things going.</div>
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I was feeling the Single's Awareness Day tonight, and I texted him if he wanted to Skype. At some point during our conversation it came up that I was bi. Although I'm like 95% sure I had mentioned that fact to him when we first messaged on the dating app, he must've forgotten. But his reaction was predictable, understandable, and . . . unfortunate. He was taken aback a bit and seemed unsure for a moment. He explained that he didn't mean it but stated that "biphobia" does exist in the gay community. He had dated a bi guy within the past several months and it didn't go well (it didn't get very far either).</div>
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This brought up all sorts of insecurities for me. I wasn't expecting that. I thought I had moved past that. I guess not. On a spectrum of 0 to 10, with 0 being 100% straight and 10 being 100% gay, I place myself somewhere between 7 and 8. In general, I'm more physically/sexually attracted to guys (girls have a narrower range), but I'm more emotionally/intellectually attracted to girls. Pikachu is the first guy in a long time - possibly ever - who I've felt a romanto-emotional connection to. And a part of me feels just broken after his reaction to me clarifying that I'm bi. And honestly, I'm not even sure how well that label applies to me anymore.</div>
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I'm not sure how to navigate these feelings. No, that's not accurate - I <i>don't</i> know how to navigate these feelings. It's easy for me to just box it up and store it away, but that's not what I should do. It's easy for me to tell myself the same advice I offer my patients, but it doesn't <i>feel </i>easy to follow. It could be just me, but I feel like the fact/label of being bi has changed the relationship dynamics in ways that can't be undone.</div>
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Sigh. :-/</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-38269131755348281342014-12-24T23:37:00.001-06:002014-12-24T23:37:27.307-06:00Skepticism Against Non-Neutrality<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is a follow-up to my previous post, <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2014/12/media-culture-and-half-truths.html">Media, Culture, and Half-Truths</a>.</div>
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As I blogged that post, the media in other areas were already aflame with skepticism. To recap from my previous post, the US CDC is considering a recommendation that medical providers should discuss the benefits of circumcision and offer it to parents and any uncircumcised male teenager and young adult (particularly those in a higher sexual risk group). This is part of the US CDC's plan to help further reduce the incidence of HIV/AIDS.</div>
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And as I blogged in my previous post, this thread of logic is misplaced and damaging. I even posted a comment on the US CDC's <a href="http://www.regulations.gov/#!documentDetail;D=CDC-2014-0012-0001">Regulations.gov site</a>. It's open for commenting between Dec 2 and Jan 16. The vast majority of the comments on that site are negative towards the new recommendations. Here's an article that reflects that:</div>
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Washington Post: <a href="http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/dec/9/cdc-circumsion-proposal-getting-thumbs-down/">Americans push back against CDC recommendation on circumcision</a></div>
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There is also a nice and succinct article on an Oxford ethics blog, <a href="http://blog.practicalethics.ox.ac.uk/2012/05/when-bad-science-kills-or-how-to-spread-aids/">A fatal irony: Why the "circumcision solution" to the AIDS epidemic in Africa may increase transmission of HIV</a>, by Brian D. Earp in 2012. It basically summarizes my thoughts from my previous post (but more eloquently written).</div>
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Again, this is not a new topic of debate. The US CDC first began considering this back in 2009, but had delayed making notable public announcements until now. As evidenced by an article in the Huffington Post, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/male-circumcision-and-the_b_249728.html">Male Circumcision and the HIV/AIDS Myth</a>, by Dr. Ali Rizvi.</div>
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Heck, this topic has been covered (albeit tongue-in-cheek) by Queerty! For example:</div>
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<li><a href="http://www.queerty.com/if-circumcision-halves-risk-of-spreading-hiv-should-all-baby-boys-get-cut-20090824">If Circumcision Haves Risk of Spreading HIV, Should All Baby Boys Get Cut?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.queerty.com/so-circumcision-wont-help-american-men-stop-spreading-hiv-20100310">So Circumcision Won't Help American Men Stop Spreading HIV?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.queerty.com/even-if-circumcision-helps-prevent-hiv-transmission-good-luck-finding-american-guys-it-could-benefit-20100726">Even If Circumcision Helps Prevent HIV Transmission, Good Luck Finding American Guys It Could Benefit</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.queerty.com/for-gay-men-cutting-off-your-foreskin-still-not-as-good-as-condoms-to-keep-the-hiv-at-bay-20101208">For Gay Men, Cutting Off Your Foreskin Not As Good As Condoms To Keep The HIV At Bay</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.queerty.com/whats-all-this-about-the-government-wanting-american-teenagers-to-get-circumcised-20141203">What's All This About The Government Wanting American Teenagers To Get Circumcised?</a></li>
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And to reference my previous post, the media can write about a single topic in two ways. Queerty is clearly on the opposite side of the articles posted in my previous post.</div>
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So anyway, read the links if you desire. They're there. I'm a broken record on this topic. No more on this until the US CDC finalizes its recommendation, one way or the other. <i>But for the love of democracy, please comment on the Regulations.gov link above if you have an opinion you'd like to share!</i></div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-50683789372281660912014-12-03T03:17:00.002-06:002014-12-03T03:20:46.451-06:00Media, Culture, and Half-Truths<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is nothing new. Just warning you now, this is going to be an epically long post. I've read about this before and I've discussed it before on this blog. But this topic resurfaces rather frequently. I see headlines such as:</div>
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Reuters "<a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/12/02/us-health-usa-circumcision-idUSKCN0JG28L20141202">Male circumcision benefits outweigh risks, US CDC says</a>"</div>
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The Verge "<a href="http://www.theverge.com/2014/12/2/7324049/male-circumcision-cdc-guidelines-recommendations">Benefits of circumcision outweigh the risks, US CDC says</a>"</div>
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Yahoo "<a href="https://news.yahoo.com/cdc-circumcision-benefits-outweigh-risks-134651002.html">CDC: Circumcision benefits outweigh risks</a>"</div>
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LA Times "<a href="http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-circumcision-cdc-guidelines-20141202-story.html">Circumcision cited as defense against HIV in proposed CDC guidelines</a>"</div>
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NY Times "<a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/circumcision-guidelines-target-teenagers/?ref=health">Circumcision Guidelines Target Teenagers</a>"</div>
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TIME "<a href="http://time.com/3613880/circumcision-cdc/">Feds Say Circumcision Best for Boys</a>"</div>
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This is a controversial topic. There is intense debate among physicians and even residents. It's a subject that's almost taboo to talk about. So let's talk about a few things: Media, Culture, and Half-Truths.</div>
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<b>Media</b></div>
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I took a course in scientific journalism and media in undergrad, and I walked away from that class appalled. So much so that I was literally unable to even look at a news article about a scientific or health topic without feeling an intense pang of rage for almost half a year. Here are some things to know:</div>
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The media skews towards catchy headlines. Sure "Male circumcision benefits outweigh risks, US CDC says" sounds pretty neutral. But then you have the headlines "Circumcision Guidelines Target Teenagers" and "Feds Say Circumcision Best for Boys," and suddenly those pop out.</div>
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The media also has an agenda. You are supposedly supposed to present both sides of an article (where there are 2 sides to present), but it's almost always skewed and thus almost never balanced. Take the NY Times article, "Circumcision Guidelines Target Teenagers." It dedicates a measly 2 paragraphs at the very end on counter-arguments, which although valid, reads as an afterthought. Take the TIMES article, "Feds Say Circumcision Best for Boys." There is no mention of any counter-argument. None. The LA Times article, "Circumcision cited as defense against HIV in proposed CDC guidelines" is actually the most balanced of the bunch.</div>
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The media doesn't understand statistics. Now, statistics is a difficult concept for even many medical experts to grasp. So to be fair, the media has no chance. When presented with numbers, the media will always take the largest numbers presented. Again, because it's catchy. For example here, the recurrent phrase that goes "circumcision reduces a man's chances of getting HIV by 50-60%" sounds like a huge deal! But context is necessary. That number reported is what's called "relative risk reduction." What matters to an individual is the "absolute risk reduction." For instance, let's say the average uncircumcised man's risk of getting HIV is 1 in 1000 (or 0.001%). So if he's circumcised, his risk goes down by 50-60%, thereby going from 1 in 1000 to 0.5 in 1000 (or 0.0005%). Well, going from 0.001% to 0.0005% doesn't sound like much of a difference for that individual, and it isn't! But both numbers could be true. Going from 0.001% to 0.0005% is a 50% decrease - this is "relative risk reduction," but the "absolute risk reduction" is 0.0005%. See why the media would choose to report 50% over 0.0005%? (Note: the average man's risk of getting HIV in the US is WAY smaller than 1 in 1000).</div>
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<b>Culture</b></div>
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Culture is such a pervasive and unconscious thing that few people even realize it comes into play. The US, given his history of higher rates of circumcision, has a cultural bias towards that procedure. Whereas comparable Western countries (Canada, Europe, Australia) don't have this cultural bias. This is how everyone can look at the exact same studies, the exact same medical literature, and come out with polar opposite conclusions and recommendations.</div>
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Here's an excellent article rebutting the latest AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) guideline update on this topic: "<a href="http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2013/03/12/peds.2012-2896.full.pdf">Cultural Bias in the AAP's 2012 Technical Report and Policy Statement on Male Circumcision.</a>" </div>
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People think of medicine and science as containing immutable truths. Yet in reality the exact opposite is true. We must constantly challenge and question old scientific truths in order to get ever closer to the Platonic Truths.</div>
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<b>Half-Truths</b></div>
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Now on to the merits of what's been discussed/argued for in the articles. The best quote I could find comes from the LA Times article: </div>
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"Dr. Thomas Newman, a professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at UC
San Francisco, says he believes that the medical benefits of
circumcision outweigh the risks but that both are small."</div>
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This is the closest thing to the truth out there. Let's look at the arguments on the table:</div>
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Pro:</div>
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<li>Circumcision reduces HIV risk by 50-60%. Well that effect is quite small on an individual level, as illustrated above. Plus, condoms reduces HIV risk by 90-97% when used correctly. That "additional" 50-60% is rather meaningless. Furthermore, circumcision offers zero benefit for those most at risk of getting HIV in the US (men who have sex with men, IV drug users).</li>
<li>Circumcision reduces HPV and other STI's. Maybe true. But we now have a vaccine for HPV that's 98-100% effective. And again, condoms.</li>
<li>Circumcision reduces UTI's in boys during the first year of life. This is actually true, however, the risk of getting a UTI is rather small to begin with. In a healthy uncircumcised baby boy, the risk of getting a UTI is 1 in 100. In a healthy circumcised baby boy, the risk of getting a UTI is 1 in 1000. In girls older than 1 year of age, the risk of getting a UTI is like 5-7 in 100. And how do we treat UTI's? With antibiotics. That said, there is a role for circumcision in a baby boy who gets <i>recurrent</i> UTI's (and usually there is some other anatomic problem as well).</li>
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Cons:</div>
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<li>Risk of complications. I love how they kind of lumped all complications together, and then say that it's about 1% if the procedure is done before 1 year of age, 9% if done between 1-9 years of age, and 5% if older than that. I don't know about you, but a 5-9% complications rate is pretty high. And what are these complications?</li>
<li>Infection and inflammation are a common one. As with any invasive procedure, there is always a risk of infection. And think for a moment, this baby's penis is healing while he's in diapers, exposed to urine and poop. That can't be pleasant.</li>
<li>Bleeding is another common one. Well, this could be life-threatening if a baby has a bleeding disorder (like hemophilia). I'm sure the majority of the time no one does blood tests before the procedure to confirm that a baby does not have a bleeding disorder, and often times a family history can only get you so far.</li>
<li>Other risks not mentioned? Adhesions, meatal stenosis, and accidental amputation are ones that probably should be mentioned.</li>
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<li>Adhesions: baby's bodies heal very well. Sometimes parts of where the foreskin is removed will reattach itself to the glans (penis head). This can cause not only cosmetic issues, but also functional issues. Sometimes those adhesions are so tight that erections can be uncomfortable.</li>
<li>Meatal stenosis: when the opening of the urethra (pee hole) is too small to allow urine to pass. This problem exclusively happens in circumcised babies and requires surgical correction. The end of the penis is not meant to interact with the outside world before puberty, and so exposure causes inflammation, which causes swelling, which causes a small hole to get smaller.</li>
<li>Accidental amputations: yes, very rare, but very very tragic when it happens. A handful of cases happen each year and it's impossible to remove this risk entirely. It may be a 1 in a million risk, but if that 1 in a million is you or your baby, and it wasn't<i> medically necessary,</i> you would probably be pissed off.</li>
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<li>Also none of the articles mention studies that support the foreskin being a very innervated area of the body. Whether those nerves play a role in sexual sensitivity and enjoyment is a topic of debate in and of itself, but logically it would make sense that more nerves = more sensation. </li>
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So you see, the full discussion is more nuanced. And when I counsel parents on this topic, I present it as I do above. Thankfully the area that I'm doing residency in has a low circumcision rate, so this rarely comes up. But it does once every few months. Most parents who do opt for the procedure are not undecided - it's like parents who're against vaccines, their minds are made up no matter what you say. So I counsel towards less intervention, at least insofar as this topic goes.</div>
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Thoughts? I know I'm biased, but again, <u>no one has a truly neutral stance on this topic</u>. Which makes it difficult to fully "trust" the CDC's recommendations (or anyone's opinion, for that matter) on the subject.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-48888623652319114782014-12-02T01:43:00.002-06:002014-12-02T01:43:48.010-06:00Where in the World is Aek?<div style="text-align: justify;">
Gosh it's been a long time! About 3 months since I last blogged! I would say it's because I've been super busy with residency and all that, but that'd be partly a lie. Truthfully, I've just been lazy. Heck, I sat on this post for the better part of a month! So where in the world have I been?</div>
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Well, I've run the gamut from the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) to outpatient urgent care clinic. Such a dichotomy in medicine and such different arenas, haha. <br />
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From there I did another rheumatology rotation, but at another institution. That was an amazing experience! It was great just being away in a different area, working in a different system, and exploring. It was also awkward because I felt like I couldn't perform to my full potential because I was learning the system and the hospitals. It was almost like being a medical student again, almost.<br />
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Then I returned and did neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), which sucks as a second year resident, I must say. You have double the patients to yourself, your patients are way sicker, and you're expected to just know how to manage things. And on the weekend it can be just you taking care of the entire unit with the attending, which really sucks. <br />
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Currently on pediatric emergency department (ED). It's alright. I can see why people would want to do it - shift-based hours, sign in/out, lots of potential procedures, patients are in and out rather quick (MUCH quicker compared to adult ED), and you don't have to worry about continuity of care and the frustrations that can sometimes present. But this is all not quite my cup of tea. Parents sometimes bring their kids to the ED for really silly reasons. I mean, if it's not an "emergency" you should really bring your child to his/her primary care pediatrician first . . . I won't give examples as that may be a HIPAA violation, but if you see and hear the things I have . . .<br />
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There's a certain degree of "brain rot" that I feel as a result. I live for the interesting cases. The ones that make me think, that make my mind tingle. On the flip side, as a patient you NEVER want to be "interesting" to a doctor, lol. And when something could be rheumatic in nature, my mind definitely tingles - like it hungers and salivates for that diagnostic puzzle.<br />
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Anyway, to be totally fair, I can honestly understand why some parents bring their kids to the ED even though it's not medically justified. There are so many factors and when it is YOUR kid, you freak out. I get that. I just wished that people utilized primary care as it was intended instead of the ED as their first stop.<br />
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Anywho, next post I'll post pics of my adventures. :-P</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-25479466932601634422014-06-28T01:48:00.000-05:002014-06-28T01:48:40.099-05:00The Fastest Longest Year<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="551" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=53832186&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="551" flashvars="id=53832186&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://jesserzzz.deviantart.com/art/hospital-floors-53832186">hospital floors</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u regular username" href="http://jesserzzz.deviantart.com/">JESSERZZZ</a><span class="user-symbol regular" data-gruser-type="regular" data-quicktip-text="" data-show-tooltip=""></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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Farewell to intern year, the fastest longest year ever! It's certainly been a crazy ride full of up and down roller coaster emotions. And boy did the year finish with a bang! Time to muse on a few thoughts:</div>
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<b>1. Doctors incognito</b></div>
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I've noticed an interesting trend among us "newer" physicians: we never let anyone in public know that we're doctors. At least not initially. We never introduce ourselves as doctors, we never use our hard-earned titles in public, and when asked what we do for a living, we'll say something along the lines of "I work in the medical field" or "I work in the hospitals," but almost never will we say outright "I'm a resident/doctor." Why is that?</div>
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In a twisted way, it's almost like a sense of shame or being marked. Open your mouth and say that you're a doctor and people instantly treat you differently. Either they ask you about your opinions on this or that (I get the "Should I get a flu shot?" question A LOT), or they ask you about homeopathic remedies, or their negative experiences with doctors comes out. I mean, I don't go to someone who says he/she is a lawyer and say, "Man, I really hate all lawyers. They're all scum." Or "Are you the kind of lawyer who stands in a courtroom and all that?"</div>
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As such, I'm never offended if someone calls me "Mr." instead of "Dr." Although, an interesting thing to note that in Britain, "Mr." is a title ascribed to surgeons whereas "Dr." is a title ascribed to physicians.</div>
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<b>2. The misunderstood adolescent</b></div>
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I may have said this before - I'm one of the few pediatricians who actually enjoys interacting with teens. Not all teens, mind you, but in general yes. Anyway, this bodes well especially if I'm really intent on pursuing peds rheumatology (which skews heavily toddlers and teens).</div>
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This may be coincidence or it may be intentional, but most of the teens in my continuity clinic are males. They're such amusing creatures. I can get most of them to open up at least somewhat (and a handful almost way too much, lol). I think it helps to understand where many of them are coming from. And I may be a bit too . . . liberal in my advice to them.</div>
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Anyway, there are 3 things I always iterate to every teen guy: 1.) wash under your foreskin (most of them where I am are uncut - good for them, lol), 2.) monthly testicular self-exams, and 3.) ALWAYS USE CONDOMS.</div>
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<b>3. Rising seniors</b></div>
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As interns we are the lowest person on the totem pole that matters (sorry med students, the hospital functions very well with or without you). We're often abused - intentionally and unintentionally - by senior residents, attending physicians, nursing staff, etc. It's a frustrating place to be. But at the end of every intern year is the promise of becoming senior residents and FINALLY stepping out of the intern role.</div>
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And at the end of each intern year, it's an opportunity to reflect on the kind of senior we aspire to become. I've had the good luck to work with one of the best and by far the most hilarious senior residents I've ever known. Although the last month was rough, he made every day go by quickly and with enough laughter to sustain us. I can't say I want to exactly be him, I will aspire to carry on aspects of him.</div>
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In less than a week, I'll be considered a "senior resident" and I'll have no idea if I'll be a good one or a bad one. The best advice I've heard was, "Remember what you liked in your senior residents and do that. And especially remember what you hated done to you as an intern and don't do that."</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-9360893636609436952014-05-10T14:27:00.000-05:002014-05-10T14:27:20.443-05:00Please Don't Misunderstand Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify;">
Please don't misunderstand me, I do love seeing my patients even though for every minute I see them I have 5 minutes of paperwork and other "work" to get things done for them.</div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, if I can't make it to your bedside immediately it's not that I dislike you or am lazy, I truly am quite busy doing things behind the scenes for you or another patient. </div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, as much as I love thinking and taking care of patients, I lie here right now musing over whether I've made the right choices that can sometimes be literally life or death. </div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, if I seem beaten down it's because I've worked a 13+ hour shift for the n'th day in a row often without a single heartfelt thank you. And perhaps I was yelled at for something I did or didn't do for you. </div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, as much as I could go back in time and undo med school and residency, it is truly a profession of great privilege and honor. </div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, when I say I would not redo all this again it's not out of regret, but rather sadness of all the sacrifices I've made - the art I missed drawing, the music I missed playing, the sleep I missed getting, the opportunities for love and travel. </div>
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Please don't misunderstand me, when I discourage others from pursuing medicine it's not because I hate my job, but rather I don't want others to make the same sacrifices without truly appreciating what they'll be giving up. </div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-76354809135799251432014-04-26T23:36:00.000-05:002014-04-26T23:36:06.660-05:00The Truth Is . . .<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="560" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=5277361&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="560" flashvars="id=5277361&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://bloodred.deviantart.com/art/medicine-5277361">medicine</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u regular username" href="http://bloodred.deviantart.com/">bloodred</a><span class="user-symbol regular" data-gruser-type="regular" data-quicktip-text="" data-show-tooltip=""></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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I attended the pediatric rheumatology conference earlier this month. It was like a mini-vacation and I learned so much! My mind was blown at how much there was out there (and how little I knew). I ran into a resident who's doing her residency back where we did med school, so that was a pleasant surprise.</div>
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I just finished my clinic month, which was mostly urgent care. It was useful and my Spanish got exponentially better (because I refused to use the translator phones after a while, and like 2/3 of the parents speak Spanish-only). But it was really bread-and-butter and much of it didn't require much "thinking." I hate to say it, but an NP or PA could easily do what I did this month without much difficulty. It doesn't surprise me that NPs are trying to expand their "power" and scope of practice.</div>
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But the most brutal truth is: if I could go back in time, I would NOT do med school and residency. This is not worth it. As much as I love my patients, as adorable as my toddlers are, as amusing as my teens are; the hours, the hospital politics, the paperwork (oh god the paperwork!) is not worth it. I daydream of what I've given up to become a doctor. It's not a career I'd recommend anyone pursuing. And that's the most brutal truth. Perhaps I'll elaborate on this more later.</div>
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I came across the following coming out video and the way the person spoke, the honesty and anxiety in his voice, really resonated with me.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/6Ae_URR3x3U" width="560"></iframe></div>
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Apologies that this post is all over the place. I'm on call tomorrow (again, yay) and have to do yet another 13-hour shift. At least I'm on with good residents who I admire and respect. The day should hopefully not be too painful.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-35940943519986301812014-03-26T23:36:00.001-05:002014-03-26T23:36:28.140-05:00Right Place and Time<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="354" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=432617496&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="354" flashvars="id=432617496&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://hitomii.deviantart.com/art/right-place-right-time-432617496">right place right time</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u premium username" href="http://hitomii.deviantart.com/">Hitomii</a><span class="user-symbol premium" data-gruser-type="premium" data-quicktip-text="Premium Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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There is something to be said for being in the right place and time.</div>
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There's a phrase my mom says: 这个是天规定的. The translation is basically, "This is mandated by heaven." The concept of a "heavenly mandate" is an ancient one. Heaven decrees that certain things are meant to be, and certain events happen at certain times for a reason. How we interpret that and what we do with it is up to us. It's not exactly fate or destiny, but is along a similar line of thought.</div>
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I did my pediatric rheumatology rotation last month and pretty much loved it. Towards the end of the month, one of the rheumatologists told me that he received an email with an application for a resident to apply for an award to attend this year's peds rheum conferences essentially for free! How could I pass this opportunity up? Imagine my joy at receiving the award, and I'm off to Orlando for the conferences next week!</div>
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If I didn't do that rotation that month, and if I hadn't heard about the application, I wouldn't have the opportunity to attend these conferences. Right place and right time. On a larger scale, matching in California for residency is probably meant to be (though it doesn't always feel like it). And perhaps dating and finding "the one" (out of many possible "ones") is a matter of time and place as well.</div>
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That's not to say that this concept means I should be passive about things, like destiny or fate. But rather, when the right time and place produce an opportunity, I must not let it slip. For who knows where it could lead?</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-7773982649615802122014-03-06T23:53:00.001-06:002014-03-06T23:53:38.109-06:00In Other News . . .<div style="text-align: justify;">
So what's up with me otherwise? A quick summary:</div>
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I passed USMLE Step 3! Woohoo!! Really, the odds of me passing were vanishingly slim but you always worry on test day. I was amused that I did worse as the patients in the questions got older. Definitely affirms my training in pediatrics, lol. Also my highest sections were Behavioral/Emotional, Musculoskeletal, and Immune/Infectious Diseases. Fascinating, because it leads me to . . .</div>
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I'm like 95% sure I'm going to pursue fellowship in pediatric rheumatology. It's definitely one of the least "sexy" subspecialties because: 1.) there aren't many procedures, 2.) it pays less, and 3.) it's not well understood. But I find it fascinating. It commonly affects joints (as you'd expect), but it can really affect almost any organ in the body. And I seem to be one of the few peds residents who kinda likes (or at least doesn't mind) teen patients. It's also a rather "rare" subspecialty, there only being 26 fellowship programs in the country (for about 60ish spots). There's an estimate of about 1/2 the number of peds rheumatologists in the country as there needs to be. As one senior resident described to me, doing this fellowship is basically a golden ticket to practice anywhere in the country that I so desire. Yeah, I'll make less money. But to echo one of the peds rheumatologists that I worked with, "I didn't come from money. So this pay is pretty good to me."</div>
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It's astounding how stress and sub-optimal nutrition leads to weight gain! I seriously gained like 15 lbs in residency so far. No bueno! I just started working out and slowly ramping things up. I'm woefully out of shape, but that's what I get for being on inpatient rotations for 5-6 months in a row, working on average 6 days/week, and up to 80 hrs/week. Where in there is there time for working out, much less healthy eating?! For the first time in many months, I have the time and there wherewithal to realign my health to where it should be. I've been a poor example for my patients.</div>
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Today I was eating lunch outside with one of my co-interns. And she remarked how nice it felt to have the wind blow on her face, how normal it felt, and how sad that she was thinking that in the moment. But it IS sad. This residency thing is not something I'd wish on someone else. Fuck that, if I could re-do things, I wouldn't re-do this. But I've already come this far and I'm going to see it to the end. Because at the end of it all, I have a chance to regain normalcy.</div>
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Recently got into a new show, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking">Looking</a>. It centers around 3 gay friends in SF. It's entertaining. About halfway through like the third episode, I realize that one of the main characters, Patrick Murray (played by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Groff">Jonathan Groff</a>), is basically me in a lot of ways. He wants to have a good sustainable relationship, but sucks at it. He's conservative in his actions and tends to thinks before he acts (sometimes too much). Anyway, a good show to check out. :-)</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-73608558826859617012014-03-01T17:43:00.002-06:002014-03-01T17:43:35.889-06:00Dating: A Hesitant Proposition<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dating: a hesitant proposition.</div>
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That's what it seems to be with me. I've had 2 friends hint as much recently, though they didn't explicitly say so. I'm the kind of person who, when using dating sites, like to get a decent conversation going before meeting up (or giving out my number). Perhaps I'm too cautious, or slow, or conservative or something. Not entirely sure. Here's a brief history of things:</div>
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Tristan: Half-Asian/half-Mexican guy. Pretty cute guy, chatted for a while on the app Jack'd. Finally met in person at a free outdoor play in a nearby park. He was rather late, the play was like half over. Afterwards we went to my apartment to watch a movie. He loved to kiss and we ended up fooling around . . . We continued to text for a bit afterwards, but then we both got busy and lost contact. He recently "resurfaced" on Jack'd after having ended a long-distance relationship (some time after we had met), but hasn't been very responsive of late. Dead end.</div>
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Jack: Asian guy. He kind of annoyed me, was more sexual in his texts than I wanted. He was very late when we arranged to meet (like, 2-3 hours late). I was furious as it totally upended my plans that weekend. I was internally still mad the whole time we hung out. And he smoked, that's an instant turn-off to me. We continued to text intermittently for a while, then stopped. Dead end.</div>
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Dan: White guy. Rather interesting, as he's like 9 years older than me, and he actually approached me on that app. Intelligent, sweet, but ADHD (which he legit has as a diagnosis, lol). Met him at a time when I wasn't really looking for a relationship (other than friends), as I was on a string of super busy rotations. He was always 15-30 min late (seems like a pattern . . .). He got into his head that we'd be somewhat friends with benefits, but he took the FWB further than I expected, lol. He gave great head . . . like, teeth-chatteringly good. We continued to chat over wine when he's in town. He's interviewing all over the place and travels a lot, so it's hard to predict where he'll be. Dead end (of sorts, given the unpredictability of his schedule).</div>
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Dean: White guy. Short (and I'm by no means tall) but really cute. Is a chef. Chatted with him via the app, then text and finally had time to meet in person (he has an equally hectic schedule as I do). Met at a cafe, this time I was about 5 min late because I couldn't find the damn place! We ended up talking for like 5 hours. It was really good to connect with something like that. Alas he smokes, but he's been trying to quit; I guess that helps . . . Anyway, he seems open to meeting again. Door cracked open?</div>
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Vivi: Asian girl. Cute, funny, smart. Is a pharmacist. Recently got a puppy. Met at the same cafe as Dean. I liked how laid-back and funny she was. We had good conversation until the cafe closed, and then continued for a little while before she had to go home to attend to her puppy. Probably the best prospect, though her schedule is weird (but at least it's fairly predictable).</div>
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I'm honestly not entirely sure how I feel about any of the people above. The last 2 people have piqued my interest, but I don't know. There are people I've met in the past who, in retrospect, consumed a large proportion of my attention (one of whom, as I have blogged about recently, abruptly decided to cease all contact with me). There are people from my past who I still, from time to time, pine over.</div>
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Sigh. I don't know what I'm looking for. Yet I feel like time is running out. This wasn't part of the "plan," lol. I envy the people who "fall in love at first sight." I mean, what even IS that? Maybe my personality is just too guarded. I need to let things go. Which reminds me, watch this:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/OC83NA5tAGE" width="560"></iframe><br /></div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-76469272731454360502014-01-30T01:30:00.001-06:002014-01-31T20:11:16.783-06:00Mental Ativan<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify;">
Today was a down day. Anxieties are flaring. </div>
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One. I take USMLE Step 3 in two days. And it's a two-day exam. Eep! I should be ready. I've been studying for the past two months (when I could and had the motivation and energy after work). I've finished the study question bank, all 1000+ questions. I've been diligently learning on my current rotation, which is a general ED (emergency department) - so I see more adults <u>than</u> kids. I can't possibly see myself being more ready then now. But I still worry about that remote possibility of not passing . . . shouldn't be a problem as I padded the other two Steps soundly. But still . . .</div>
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Two. My chief residents have my on cross-cover call every Sunday for the next three months (that or back up call). I'm basically grounded in this city and can't go anywhere for the weekend. When I emailed my chiefs asking about this (diplomatically, mind you), I get a very bitchy 7-paragraph email reply. In it she basically told me to suck it up, that this hairpins to everyone and now it's my turn, I'm being difficult, and that I should be more professional about this. Whatever. She can crawl into a hole for all I care. Good riddance when she's gone at the end of this year! I'll need to ask my co-interns for some call switches. </div>
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Three. My friend (who I've mentioned several times now) started a Twitter account. I followed him just for the heck of it, not that I'd be commenting on it much or whatever. Today I discovered that he blocked me. That hurt. It opened up the old wound. Why is he going to this length to cut off contact with me, all without ever telling me why? I just want to know why so I can have final peace. </div>
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Four. In so far away from ago of my good friends back in the Midwest (though some on the east coast now too). I dearly miss them. Facebook is a sad proxy. The other interns and I are often just too busy to hang out with each other, and they like to do their own thing - often with family if they're from this state or with their significant other. Which leads me to . . .</div>
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Five. I found out through a my mutual friend that one of my friends from undergrad is engaged. Everyone is getting married! And what do I have to show? Eternal singleness. Each passing year more and more friend are getting engaged and married, and I feel so left behind. </div>
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Like the title, I need a mental Ativan to calm me down and small me or of this funk!!</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-68267310709311954492014-01-02T17:45:00.000-06:002014-01-02T17:45:12.663-06:00Janus at the Gate<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://luka-basyrov-art.deviantart.com/art/Janus-287270900">Janus</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><span class="simple-symbol">~</span><a class="u regular username" href="http://luka-basyrov-art.deviantart.com/">luka-basyrov-art</a><span class="user-symbol regular " data-quicktip-text="" data-show-tooltip=""></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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Janus, the Roman god of Gates, whose two faces look towards the past and the future, and for whom the month of January is named after. An very interesting and apropos Roman god for the new year. </div>
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2013 has been a year of ups and downs. Meeting new friends and saying farewell to close ones. A year that marked the end of one era and the beginning of the next. One filled with pride, accomplishment, and excitement. One full of anxiety, doubt, and frustrations. A year I would do all over again and yet would never wish it repeated. </div>
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I left 2013 and entered 2014 on not the best of notes (what with issues with my student loans servicer and a laptop that's crashing far too often). And least of which I was working on both Christmas and New Year's (actually at work now). What kind of year will 2014 be? Surely one we make, right?</div>
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Lately I've been left feeling so out of balance and it's difficult to find the way back, much less time to look for the way. But 2014 needs to be a year where I can center myself, refocus my energy, find my motivation, and let the wounds of 2013 scar over. Time heals all wounds, but the scars they leave serve as constant reminders of what was. </div>
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I have no particular resolutions. I'd just make the same ones as I do every year. Eat healthier. Work out more. Lose weight. Find love. Explore more. Travel more. Easier said than done when I'm still figuring things out day by day, week by week. </div>
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I do not mean this post to be a depressing one. I am a realist, and reality isn't rose colored. There are some positive things to look forward to this year. In many ways, after the first couple months there is only up. But I must not rest my laurels, vigilance is still needed.</div>
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If I am so lucky, so bold, maybe - just maybe - I can achieve some that which I hadn't been able to for several years now. Let the new year begin!</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-3081569774658947832013-12-19T01:36:00.000-06:002013-12-19T01:36:40.665-06:00An Inner Peace<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="573" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=217050857&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="573" flashvars="id=217050857&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://mistytang.deviantart.com/art/Inner-Peace-217050857">Inner Peace</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><span class="simple-symbol">*</span><a class="u premium username" href="http://mistytang.deviantart.com/">MistyTang</a><span class="user-symbol premium " data-quicktip-text="Premium Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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This vacation has been much needed to decompress, de-stress, refocus, and recharge. It has also been useful to help me re-center myself find an inner peace again. I've been so off-balance the past 4-5 months it's scary.</div>
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This morning, just before waking up, I had a dream. Bear with me for a while. In this dream, I was seeing maybe a 16-year-old black/Latino teen in clinic. He had a history of cancer, now in remission. He was complaining of abdominal pain and had a large laparatomy-type scar. I do my exam and summon my attending. She brings in another attending, who cuts open the surgical scar to peek underneath (this never happens in real life, btw). His organs looked good but we were shocked to not find any rectus muscles or even a peritoneal sheathe. The attending closes him up, wraps his abdomen with bandages, and send him to the procedure room where I would suture/staple his wound close.</div>
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He manages to hobble over there, obviously in some pain. I gather my supplies and head over there. I enter the room to find him face-down on the ground, barely conscious. I run over to him, turn him over, and check the ABCs (airway, breathing, and cardiac). He was breathing and had a pulse, but was in some pain. The first attending stopped by the door where I call a code. She goes off to assemble a quick team (this also never happens in real life, an attending won't just up and leave like that). It being the end of the day, practically no one was around. It was just me and this teen, barely conscious, in pain, but breathing and heart beating.</div>
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A respiratory therapist comes by and gives me a bag and mask, which at that point my patient stops breathing. I resuscitate him with the bag and mask, while checking his pulse. A third-year resident comes by and assesses the situation, and by now my patient has regained consciousness. I was able to give him some pain meds, staple his wound close, and send him out the door (also doesn't happen in real life, you don't send a critical person home).</div>
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Although unrelated, something about that dream triggered a moment of clarity and an inner peace. I realized that I must have been, in some way and to some degree, in love with my <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/02/to-hold-and-be-held.html">friend</a> (who's been mentioned a few times now). This was why I dwelt on him for so long, why it felt like a slow painful heartbreak. What we had shared in the past felt right, and may have been right at that time. But not now. Not when we're on opposite coasts and there's an age gap and he has a boyfriend. Perhaps he too felt this tug, and decided to cut off contact to "rip off the bandage" as it were and get it over with. I will likely never know. But I'm at peace with it now.</div>
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Why should I cling to something so ephemeral when reality dictates that it wasn't meant to last? I will always remember the friendship we had shared and that time together. I'm okay that he's decided to close contact on his end, but I may still intermittently send him a warm text or message. I'm okay being a friend in the shadows, available if/when he decides to contact me again.</div>
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I feel, for the first time since all this started, I can move on yet still hold on to what we had.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/BblV6AQsd2s" width="420"></iframe><br /></div>
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P.S. Bonus points to whoever catches the reference in the deviantART pic shown above.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-14450437383901977892013-12-10T00:59:00.000-06:002013-12-10T00:59:34.080-06:00Last Man Standing<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="360" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=331476068&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="360" flashvars="id=331476068&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://cute-and-bright.deviantart.com/art/Last-Man-Standing-331476068">Last Man Standing</a> by <span class="username-with-symbol u"><span class="simple-symbol">*</span><a class="u premium username" href="http://cute-and-bright.deviantart.com/">Cute-And-Bright</a><span class="user-symbol premium " data-quicktip-text="Premium Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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Yeah yeah, I know it's been months since I last posted. In my defense, it's been such a crazy ride I don't even know where to begin! This residency thing is no joke, with all the days that I just want to break down and punch a wall. To anyone contemplating medicine, my advice is: <i>do not do it if you can see yourself doing </i>anything<i> else with your life</i>.</div>
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Anyway, I've basically been on 5 inpatient rotations back-to-back, starting with <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/07/all-babies.html">NICU</a>, then <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/09/i-survived.html">wards</a>, then 4 weeks of night shift (6:30pm till 8am), then back to wards, then to newborn nursery (which, despite the benign-sounding name, has inpatient hours - 6:30am till 7pm). That's basically 5 months straight of working 13-14+ hours a day, averaging 6 of 7 days a week. I've had to work 19 days straight <i>twice</i> already! Those 19 days are brutal. And even that's an understatement.</div>
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At the end of each day I'm just exhausted. I barely have time to take care of errands, much less myself! My chief residents wonder why I don't feel "happy and excited to go to work every day." Gee, it's not rocket science. If you basically work twice the "normal" 40 hours/week and have half the number weekend days off in a month, would you be happy and excited even if it's something you love doing? Likely not, I think. It's not that I don't love my patients and families - I do. They're why I haven't quit (well, one of many reasons). And there are rare moments of joy in my day, but it's so hard to really feel "happy and excited" when it feels like you're just nose to the grindstone every single day. At least I'm not a surgery resident . . . I'd probably have quit or committed suicide by now.</div>
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On another depressing note, I think I may have lost a <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/02/to-hold-and-be-held.html">friend</a>. Even back in <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/06/an-interesting-start.html">June</a> I hadn't chatted with him in like a month or so. Now it feels like all communication has been cut off. He doesn't respond to Facebook messages, texts, IM's (actually, he doesn't even show up on IM or Skype anymore, leading me to think he has either deleted or blocked me), Tumblr messages, etc. A couple weeks ago I noticed that he unfollowed me on Tumblr and blocked me, such that none of his posts showed up on my dashboard.</div>
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I'm at a loss for words and thoughts. I don't know what I did. I know he has a boyfriend who he's quite involved with, is busy with school and work, but it just doesn't explain why he doesn't respond to <i>any</i> mode of communication. I even called him once or twice and left a voicemail. I don't know what to do. I haven't really tried to communicate with him much over the past several weeks, to give him some space. I'm just at a loss as to why he cut me off like this in the first place. Maybe it's partly cuz of what we did when we met in person, and given he has a boyfriend now? Idk.</div>
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On a happier note, I was lucky to have Thanksgiving off so I could go visit my family (I work both Christmas and New Year's). It's always nice to see my grandparents and my little cousin. It's such a world removed from work.</div>
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And now I'm on vacation visiting my brother in Texas for a few days. Huzzah! It's nice to sleep in. :-) I'll try to find time to post some pics later this week when I return to my apartment. After 5 blocks of inpatient rotations back-to-back, these 2 weeks of vacation are sooooo well-deserved. And I fear it'll fly by quicker than I can blink . . .</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-61125528280076700142013-09-15T23:21:00.000-05:002013-09-15T23:21:56.116-05:00I Survived . . .?<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="460" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=168711008&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="460" flashvars="id=168711008&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://casheefoo.deviantart.com/art/I-survived-168711008">I survived</a> by ~<a class="u" href="http://casheefoo.deviantart.com/">CasheeFoo</a> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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Somehow I survived my first block of wards (and my second inpatient block, the first being NICU). Wards is basically what you would imagine hospital medicine to be like, the kind of thing you see on "House" or whatnot.</div>
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The first day I was handed 6 patients I knew nothing about, one of whom was a cluster-fuck of complicated medical problems. The rarity and severity of her illnesses terrified me. Within a day or two I was expected to know her inside and out. I was <i>literally </i>running around the hospital trying to figure my way around and see all my patients before meeting with the rest of the team for rounds. This was far worse than any experience I had as a med student, because as a med student you're still under the aegis of your resident who protects you - more than I had previously appreciated. And oh yeah, I had to basically learn an EMR (electronic medical record) and use it by the end of the first day. Not cool.</div>
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I felt so overwhelmed that by the end of the second day I was ready to throw the laptop I was working on out the window and run out of the hospital screaming at the top of my lungs and quit on the spot. I somehow, not sure how, held it together. The med students arrived the third day. I held it together. For them. I could not show my weaknesses in front of them - I had to give them the impression that peds was a great field (it still is). Luckily I had inexplicably hit my stride as well and starting doing alright after that.</div>
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Having a med student by my side did wonders for my morale. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and bounce diagnostic ideas off of who won't judge me or think I'm an idiot. Also once I discovered the most efficient path forward for me, nothing stops me. As a med student I really struggled with finding that path, as it's not a med student's job to be efficient. On the contrary, med students are supposed to be exceedingly thorough. My sub-I as a M4 student kicked my ass, but in hindsight I was only able to survive wards now because of that experience. I dare say I became the most efficient of the 4 interns on during this block.</div>
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In other news, guys here kind of suck.</div>
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I've been stood up on a couple dates or otherwise had plans change/get delayed. It's okay if you're going to be 10-15 min late, but 2-3 hours?! Come on, that's just rude. Makes me want to give up looking (as if I had the time anyway, ha!).</div>
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Been chatting with a few people, hopefully something goes somewhere.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-54201386519605067722013-07-30T00:05:00.002-05:002013-07-30T00:05:55.592-05:00All the Babies!<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sorry for the lack of posting, it's been quite hectic (but manageable, sorta).</div>
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I just finished a block of genetics subspecialty outpatient clinic. Genetics is a fascinating subject as always, and I must say, this block reignited some of my former interest in the field. I'm not sure if it's enough to make me want to pursue it as a fellowship and career, but it's back on the radar, lol.</div>
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In the middle there I did a week of nights. I got pretty good at assessing normal healthy newborns, haha. But man there's such a learning curve when you haven't done it in like 2 years!! I was lucky enough to get <i>some </i>sleep most nights, but the schedule of nights (6:30pm to 7am) is still rough. Takes a while to adjust and adjust back.</div>
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Now I'm in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). I was terrified of it at the start, but it actually turned out to be a really nice rotation. I'm definitely learning a lot about taking care of premature babies, often with other health problems too. After a while they mostly become "feeders and growers," that is they're just eating to gain enough weight to go home.</div>
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Anyway, up until now, the majority of my experience has been with babies. <i>All </i>the babies! Haha. They're pretty cute, I must say. One just has to get on the good side of their territorial and protective nurses, lol.</div>
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I've had the privilege to see some weird and rare things, which is really cool. I mean things that we should not be seeing because current routine medical care should have picked up these things earlier, but there are always babies that slip through the cracks. It's quite unfortunate when a baby could be otherwise perfectly normal and healthy sees us and by then it's too late to stop the worst of it.</div>
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Anywho, enough rambling. Must sleep. 6:30am to 7pm schedule is pretty rough too. Unfortunately that's my schedule for the next several months . . . As one of my senior residents said to me, "Oh wow, I'm sorry. But the Lord doesn't give us more than what we can take." I hope she's right. Still, I'm soooo glad I'm not a surgical resident.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-46676578970876771142013-06-17T00:09:00.000-05:002013-06-17T00:09:30.558-05:00An . . . Interesting Start<div style="text-align: justify;">
A few updates are in order I do believe, lol.</div>
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1. Moved across the country!! Changed my driver's license, car registration, and car plates to this new state. All within 3 hours (the DMV lady who helped me was SUPER understanding and helpful).</div>
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2. Visited my relatives! I had my car shipped to my grandpa's place ahead
of me so I didn't have to drive across country. That would've been
brutal! Visiting relatives is fun, I like hanging out with my little
cousin here. My grandpa is just now really seriously starting to push
that I be in a relationship and hopefully marry in the near-ish future,
before he gets too old and such . . . sigh.</div>
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3. Moved into a new apartment! It's nice having a 1-bedroom apartment to yourself. I actually think this apartment is somewhat larger than my old 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath that I shared with my roommate in med school for 4 years, lol.</div>
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4. Met my co-interns! My co-interns are all super nice and funny people. And they don't take themselves too seriously, which is good considering we're all pediatricians, haha. Definitely a group I can see us bonding together and hanging out with during our (borderline non-existent) free time. Only thing is that most (all?) of them are either married or in long-term relationships, so the significant others will be a major factor in our social gatherings. I really need to get on that . . .</div>
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5. Had an . . . interesting start to orientation. We had PALS (pediatric advance life support) training the first 2 days. On the first day, 6 of us (half the intern year, mind you) came back from lunch about 5 minutes late and the mean stickler instructor lady refused to let us back in. She told us we had to reschedule and pay for it out-of-pocket . . . that's $250!! She was totally being unreasonable. Our program coordinator tried her best to help us sort out the situation and when the Chair of the Pediatrics Department found out how poorly she treated us, he was furious. It's likely that the program won't be using them next year . . .</div>
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6. Haven't talked to my friend (mentioned in post <a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/02/to-hold-and-be-held.html">here</a>) for a LONG time. I miss chatting with him. He's out of school for the summer and started a summer job that leaves him tired at the end of the day. I frequently see him online for short periods of time, but he rarely responds to my messages or texts anymore. In fact, we haven't chatted in almost a month! Not for a lack of trying on my part. I know he's also busy with a few other things, including hanging out with his close friends who're also out for the summer, but still - it kinda hurts. It really does feel like he's ignoring me as much as he can. I've decided to just back off for the next few weeks/months and see if he comes around. Hopefully so, because I do miss chatting with him. :-(</div>
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Phew! I think you're more or less up-to-date now. <i>Why're all the girls I'm interested in either married or in long-term relationships, and all the guy's I'm interested in so far away (aka another state/country)?!?! Sigh.</i></div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-8481842806021325502013-05-21T23:15:00.002-05:002013-05-21T23:15:52.003-05:00Officially an MD!! Now What?<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Last Thursday:</b> Was hooded by my faculty adviser. Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).</div>
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<b>Last Friday:</b> Graduated!! Now officially an MD, woohoo!!</div>
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<b>Last Saturday:</b> Pack pack pack. Friend's wedding. Pack.</div>
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<b>Sunday:</b> Pack pack pack. Last brunch with friends in town. Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.</div>
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<b>Today:</b> Happy Birthday to me! Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever. It was pretty chill. Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good. :-)</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-38962470741640781402013-05-11T11:23:00.000-05:002013-05-11T11:23:02.182-05:00The Next Stage<div style="text-align: justify;">
Wow. Graduation is in less than a week. In less than a week I'll have my MD. And in a month from yesterday I'll start orientation for residency in a state across the country (at least it's not as far away as Alaska or Hawaii? lol).</div>
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The last 3 months have flown by. It's like I blinked and I'm here. Doesn't help that it's still a bit cold outside even now in May, haha. I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for this next stage - for financial independence, for having a <i>real job</i>, for being responsible for the life (and death) of patients. It's only in retrospect that I can appreciate how far I've come, but I've still got a ways to go in so many respects.</div>
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I was never one of those people who hurried to grow up. In fact, just the opposite. I did NOT want to grow up. Childhood is so short, adulthood is so long and fraught with issues that no one else can solve but you. Maybe this is part of the reason why I'm doing pediatrics, who knows.</div>
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At these critical junctions I find myself reflecting in nostalgia - what would and could have been if my life had taken a different path. What if I decided to take a year off and complete my MPH? What if I decided not to pursue medicine? What if, instead of being paralyzed in fear and confusion, I had decided to date her in undergrad? What if I had decided to come out to my parents?</div>
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I have little regret in the things I have done. I only regret the things I haven't done or haven't been able to do. They say that medicine is one of the ultimate delayed gratifications. You spend the majority of your 20s studying your ass off, working long hours, often putting life and health on hold. This continues (or perhaps worsens) in residency, and in the blink of an eye, you're in your 30s.</div>
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It's okay though. There's still some of my 20s left. Sure I may not have much time off each year, but that just makes each day off that much more precious. With my salary, with my own money, I will have the ability to do many of the things I want without having to consider the debt looming over my head (which will get paid off in time). And with the new duty hour limits of 80 hours/week, I may even have time to develop a social life if I'm efficient.</div>
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So it's alright, I can't stop the flow of time just as much as I can't reverse it. I have just begun creating a bucket list and I'll be damned if I'm unable to do every one of those items! This wasn't the post I originally meant to write, but here you have it. Sorry for the scattered thoughts.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-84422248235398488102013-04-28T20:20:00.000-05:002013-04-28T20:20:43.105-05:00A Difference in Philosphy<div style="text-align: justify;">
A few days ago, several of us got together for wine and cheese tasting and we decided to hang out afterwards. There was a teacher, a surgeon, a pediatrician, and an MD/PhD in training. Much of the evening was wrapped in very heated debate, from gun control, to "Obamacare," and to education.</div>
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At the heart of the debate is a difference in philosophy, not dissimilar to democrats vs republicans. It is no secret that education in the US is in need of an update. The question is, how to best remake the education system in the US?</div>
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On one side is the surgeon, utilizing a surgeon's thinking. The argument: We should focus our resources on those who can best utilize them and elevate those students to their maximum potential, and not "waste" resources on the students at the bottom who cannot demonstrate improvement. Society should strive to equip the best and brightest with the means to achieve what they're meant to. This makes sense in a surgeon's mind, as a surgeon must be able to triage which patients are suitable for surgery and which aren't.</div>
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On the other side is the teacher and (peripherally) the pediatrician. The argument: We provide all students the necessary resources to succeed - for the bottom of the class to reach the middle, and for the best and brightest to soar. Every child in society deserves a fair shot at an education, with resources devoted to the struggling as well as to the gifted.</div>
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The problem with the first argument is that it is in danger of creating a tiered caste society, only widening the achievement gap into a chasm. The problem with the second argument is that there simply aren't enough resources or political will to make it a reality everywhere.</div>
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My personal issue with the first argument is that I believe that all children deserve a fair shot, not just some. And yes, some children need more help and resources to achieve, but it is possible. I have seen it. I have worked with a charter school that - rather takes the best of the best students - takes the worst students in public schools and demonstrates that they can at least achieve to the middle. These are students who dropped out of school due to LGBTQ bullying, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, mild mental health issues, etc. Given the right learning environment, they are not hopeless.</div>
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On a more personal note, I have a good friend growing up who went to the same schools as me for most of our K-12 lives. I was almost always in the honors/AP courses. He was barely scraping by in the regular courses. His educational experience was vastly different than mine. My teachers expected us to push hard and succeed. His teachers treated him as though he could not achieve and would never amount to anything much more, that learning wasn't as important for him. This negatively impacted him until he had a moment where he was determined to change his fate. He transitioned from a 2-year college to a 4-year state university, and from there got a good stable job helping others in bad social situations. He was able to succeed. Is he the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates? No. But neither am I.</div>
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The reality of the current status in education is neither - currently the system is more and more being set up to "teach to the test," thereby aiming to bring the bottom up but also inadvertently bringing the top down, both meeting in the middle. Critical courses such as creative expression (art, music, theater, etc) and physical activity (gym, recess) are being cut out in order to cram more math and science to satisfy the tests (and I'd argue that science isn't even being taught properly on the whole). Current education is trending towards mediocrity as more tests are implemented to demonstrate achievement and teachers are being paid for performance (an oversimplification and generalization, but I'm not in education so this is just what I hear).</div>
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I don't know the answer to "fixing" the system, just as I don't know the answer to fixing healthcare. Obamacare is one answer, but I'm not convinced it's the best or final answer. The alternatives aren't much better though. What I do know is that the answer depends on the philosophy we choose to take, both on a personal level and as a society. Are only some worthy of the resources? Do everyone get the exact same resources? Or is the answer more nuanced? I don't know but I do know that the answer is a difference in philosophy.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-20933343891396441322013-04-07T21:20:00.000-05:002013-04-07T21:21:30.714-05:00First Time<div style="text-align: center;">
<object height="360" width="450"><param name="movie" value="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1"><param name="flashvars" value="id=267713753&width=1337"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf?1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="360" flashvars="id=267713753&width=1337" allowscriptaccess="always"></embed></object><br />
<a href="http://chadthefab.deviantart.com/art/The-First-Time-267713753">The First Time</a> by ~<a class="u" href="http://chadthefab.deviantart.com/">ChadtheFab</a> on <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviantART</a></div>
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Welp, no longer a virgin anymore I suppose. It was meh. But perhaps I should backtrack.</div>
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Yesterday, a (gay) friend visited me who I haven't seen in almost a year. I've known him for probably 4-5 years or so. He's in the process of moving out of his town to literally halfway across the globe, so I insisted that he visit me before he left the country. We had also flirted/bantered online back and forth about all this (sex), so none of it is any surprise.</div>
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So anyway, long story short, we had brunch, we hung out a bit, we went back to my apartment where I eventually coaxed him. We wanked each other a bit before I ask if he was up for "something more." I handed him a condom and lube and asked what he wanted to do - he would top, and I would bottom.</div>
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He asked, "Don't you want your first time to be special?"</div>
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To which I replied, "Meh, I'm over special. Plus this is special in its own way." I've been holding off and waiting for so long, I don't really care anymore. I'd much rather it be him than some one night stand whose sexual history I know nothing about and will never see/talk to again.</div>
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So he put on the condom and lubed up . . . it wasn't enough lube. It hurt when he tried and I told him to stop. He applied some more lube and then slowly entered. It was alright. He's about 7 inches and somewhat thick. He slowly ramped the speed of his pounding - I didn't like that too much. He never hit the good spots (aka, the prostate) for very long back he was going faster; it felt much better when he slowed down. Eventually I actually kinda got bored and told him to stop, and we'd just wank each other to finish.</div>
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He then did this thing to me that he discovered accidentally a while back with some other (uncut) guys. He just rubbed the bare head with his lubed hand and I was soooo sensitive - he had me squirming and twitching. It felt tortuously good, but it wasn't the kind of good that gets me to orgasm. At one point I'm pretty sure I shot out pre-cum, as I felt a spray of something up to my chest and shoulder; it definitely wasn't cum.</div>
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After he finished me off, I returned the favor. I basically tried the same thing he did, but he wasn't anywhere as sensitive (he's cut). However, when he came and squirted all over he chest - if he hadn't sat up slightly he would've probably shot over his head - I continued to rub his penis. He suddenly got that post-orgasm sensitivity and I thought I'd repay him for basically doing what he did to me, lol. He actually grabbed my hand to stop me - too bad he grabbed the wrong hand, muahaha.</div>
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So there you have it, my first time. It was meh. I suppose it's something to get used to, an "acquired taste" if you will? Hmm . . . I imagine first-time sex with a woman may be more enjoyable, haha.</div>
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My time with the last guy (<a href="http://tmww.blogspot.com/2013/02/to-hold-and-be-held.html">post here</a>) was way more enjoyable. I think it was because of all the kissing and cuddling, it just felt way more affectionate. Oh well, experiences.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-51713927424259681892013-03-15T23:10:00.003-05:002013-03-15T23:10:50.376-05:00I Matched!!<div style="text-align: justify;">
Wow. What a day. The Ides of March. Match Day.</div>
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It's been a crazy ride. I'm SO glad that my med school doesn't make students read where they matched out loud to the entire class. So many people would've completely broke down crying (in joy or sadness). Instead, my med school puts all the match envelops in a bin and chooses out names at random.</div>
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As each of my friends go up to get their results, I see their faces downcast as they matched their 6th or 8th place. Finally one of my friends matched her #1 and I was called shortly after. I was SO nervous - like nauseated and heart palpitations. Imagine my (shock and) surprise when I matched at my NUMBER TWO rank!! :-D</div>
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It's not my #1, but it's (obviously) the next best. I had psyched myself up for my #1 so much in my head that really almost all of my other ranks paled in comparison, which is unfair. It's unreal. Even now I can't quite believe it.</div>
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Actually I'm starting to have irrational doubts now. Will I be okay with the culture shock of moving so far away? Did I make the right choice in the order of ranking my programs? Did I lower myself as a candidate for not ranking more "prestigious" programs higher? Will I have the time and energy to have a social life outside the hospital?</div>
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Like I said, irrational. In retrospect, this may be the perfect match for me, even though it's #2. It's a smaller (but not "small") program without fellows, and so more attention can be paid towards teaching me and mentoring me. It still has all the sub-specialties represented and is a free-standing children's hospital - so my training is automatically solid. And it's still in the state I want to be in (albeit not quite in the area of the state I'd prefer to be in, but that's okay).</div>
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It was a tough match this year. Lots of disappointed people who applied to a surgical programs, or even medicine programs. The number of American med school graduates keep growing, but the residency slots are static (some programs may even have shrunk a little as a consequence of the crap going on at the federal government level). It's only going to get tougher but at the end of the day, most people match, which means most of us will become the clinical doctors that we went to med school to be.</div>
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In about 2 months, I will have an MD and have a spot as a pediatric resident. :-)</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3123819319548998095.post-17533108835558501392013-03-05T21:55:00.001-06:002013-03-05T21:55:58.367-06:00Lonely Thoughts<div style="text-align: justify;">
First of all, thanks to those who read my last post. Alas, said guy in that post has been accepted to a 4-year university in another state (one I didn't apply to for residency) and has a crush on another guy for a while now. The chances of something physical between us are vanishingly small. But I'm okay with that, I seriously wish him all the best - I'd rather have him as "just" a friend than not at all.</div>
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I'm glad that I'm done with surgery - forever. It's almost surreal. It's been such a privilege to be a part of surgery. I think that's the main reason why I don't hate the OR (operating room). At no other time can you say you've been hands deep in another person's abdomen, or held a person's bowels out of the way, or cut off a person's leg. It is a privilege - as is all of medicine - to help someone in such an intimate way. But whereas I willingly relinquish my privilege to ever do surgery, I acquire the privilege of being the first doctor a child sees in life and helping kids and families through good times and bad. And that's exactly what I signed up for.<br />----</div>
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So the real purpose of this post is to vent my annoyance. Over the past year, most of my friends have paired up and a number have/will be getting engaged. And much of our conversations involve them talking (either positively or venting) about their significant others. And it irritates me.</div>
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I know they don't mean to, but I can't bring it up. I can't ask them to not be with their other half especially when I'm friends with all of them too. I've apparently been described by some friends as a "bitch" lately for being annoyed and snapping heads off at particular things. Maybe I have but I'm not going to apologize for it. I know I'm treated (unconsciously) as a secondary friend by now. People will bend over for their significant others but make excuses to not hang out when I ask. I expect no less.</div>
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I'm at such a stagnant time-point in my life. It's frustrating. I hesitate to act until I know where I'll end up for residency (Match is next Friday! oh my!!). But here everyone is on the way to getting married and I'm not much further than I was since I started this blog . . .</div>
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Maybe I should just focus on me, my career, and accept that I'll be alone forever.</div>
Aekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12183623849361560922noreply@blogger.com12