Happy New Year 2012!

Hey everyone, Happy New Year 2012! I know I'm a day late, blah blah blah, but Happy New Year nonetheless. May 2012 be fulfilling and rewarding; and for those of you who had a crappy 2011, may 2012 be much much better.

Already at least one blogger started 2012 off on a bad foot. Please go over to Landyn's blog, Stuck In The Middle, and offer him your best wishes and any help you may be able to provide. He's in a really bad spot right now and could use our support.
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On a completely 180-degree note, I've got more answers to questions from Well I gotta say, Being gay is . . . (now re-named to "Normally Gay").

1. What is your favorite trait about yourself? It can be physical or character-wise.
Hmm, a tough one. My best character trait is that I'm extremely hardworking and dedicated when I need to be, sometimes almost to a fault. My best physical trait . . . my eyebrows I guess?

2. Describe your perfect man.
This is a tad tough, haha. Originally I had separated this into 2 categories: "requirements" and "pluses." Then I came to the realization that I could give a little more on the requirements and some of the pluses are really more important. So here's just a laundry list below (in no particular order, and the question did specify "perfect" man, after all):

- Beautiful eyes. I find eyes really attractive. The color isn't important, though I find green and hazel eyes particularly mesmerizing.
- Cute face with a cute smile. This is very subjective and no one face fits this description. It may be a clean-shaven face on one guy or with stubbles on another, it just depends.
- Reasonably in shape. Not too thin, not fat (a little overweight is fine), is pretty toned, not too muscle-y.
- Height -2 inches to +6 inches from my height. That'd give a range of about 5'5" to 6'1".
- Age -6 to +6 from my age. That'd give a range of 19 to 31.
- Non-smoker, non-alcoholic, non-drug user. This really is a deal-breaker. Though, I could make an exception for very occasional marijuana use . . .
- Intelligent and can hold a decent conversation. Now, I don't need a doctor or someone with a PhD (pluses though that may be, haha), but an undergrad education is pretty much a must.
- Someone who can consistently get me to smile and do things I otherwise might be hesitant to do. Really, I need someone who can put me at ease when I get too tense.
- Someone who is honest, loyal, keeps promises, and likes to cuddle.
- Is a good cook. Food is definitely one route to my heart, lol.
- Plays a musical instrument and/or speaks a foreign language.
- Likes to travel.
- Is fairly neat & organized. I flit back and forth between being a neat freak and OCD organized and somewhat lax about it all. But I don't want to clean up after a slob.
- Has an "average" to "slightly above average" dick size. That'd give a range of about 5" to 7" or so. Also, not so thick that I'd choke.
- Is uncircumcised. Honestly this is pretty low down, but it is a plus.

3. Last song you listened to?
It'd probably be this: "How to Save a Life" (with Alex Goot)


Before that, it'd be this song: Gravity - by Jason Chan.

4. Favorite thing which is green?
Until recently I would've said my 2 philodendron plants. But I recently-ish bought an "olive green" messenger bag that I really like. :-)

5. Would you ever participate in an orgy?
Umm, no. Three-way, probably.

Answers!

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Mask of Loneliness

Loneliness by *MikaTrta on deviantART

Of all the ways to express loneliness, why have I chosen a picture of the empty park bench above? The world around it is bright and sunny, the trees and grass a luscious green, people and life moving about in the background. Precisely because it's the kind of loneliness I'm experiencing . . . and have been all along.

That bench is like my Mask of Loneliness. It sits there, alone, in a vibrant world waiting for someone to occupy it and linger for a while. To a passerby it doesn't appear "sad" or "happy," it simply is. Only when one takes pause to notice and contemplate the situation can one appreciate the loneliness. And so too it is with me. My Mask of Loneliness often appears invisible, even when worn directly in front of you. I'm surrounded by friends and peers. I have few enemies and I get along with most anyone. I wear my Mask of Smiles even when I don't feel like it. I can now interact and blend in so flawlessly that you'll probably never notice that I'm alone.

But I notice. I feel the Mask of Loneliness on my face. I'm painfully aware that several of my friends are now married, at least one of whom now have kids. Though I don't show it, I'm actually rather awkward when I'm one of maybe 3 people in a group who're single. And though you don't notice it, I don't really care to hear about your relationship problems with your girl/boyfriend/spouse.

And no matter how much I tell myself that we all go at our own pace, how I still have time, how my busy-ness is only "for now," I can feel this Mask begin to harden on my face. It is, after all, partly my fault. I don't make a particularly concerted effort to "get out there." And the longer I wait, the more excuses I make and the easier it becomes to make them.

Lately I've begun to feel that I'm "undatable." I hung out with Drew on Sunday (he's seeing someone else now, figures) and it was . . . rather awkward. Neither of us had any particularly good conversation topics. We were just on two completely different pages the whole time. I felt like I had become so one-dimensional as the conversation topics I brought back either drew from a subset of things I knew well or otherwise drifted towards the medical. Even I wouldn't date me.

Lol, I suppose I've become more like that park bench than I thought. At first glance, I'm just made of wood - one-dimensional. But if you happen to come closer, you'll see the words etched into that wood and read the stories of my past, present, and future. And it's not like I'm intentionally hiding, I'm right here in front of you! I hope you linger a bit and keep me company, and take from me my Mask of Loneliness.

Until then, may this quote ring true:

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Yes, I've used that quote before in this post (if you recall).

More Weddings!

Wow. I've been so consumed by rotations that I had completely forgotten to post about 2 very important events that happened over these last 3 months! As much as I want to bitch, whine, and moan about surgery, this post is dedicated strictly to non-medical things. So here we go!

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July - Best Friend's Wedding

In early July, I drove 4 hours to my best friend's wedding. He's a recurrent character on this blog, though I forgot what name I gave him. His original "code name" was JW-M, so I'll stick to that, lol. This wedding was actually referenced months ago in this post. Over the years I had come to admire his intellect, his wit, his calm mind, and above all his inner child. He's one of perhaps five people who knows exactly what to say to put me in a great mood. Only a handful of things (death being one of them) could have prevented me from attending his wedding.

The lovely chapel.

Their wedding was short and sweet, perfectly suited to the newlyweds. Several of our mutual friends were invited to the wedding (or were part of it), and it had been so long since I'd seen all of them in one spot. The reception was quite nice as well and their cake was delicious (I expected nothing less from the dessert palate of my friend, lol). At the end of the evening they had a cookie bar. :-)

This cake is no lie! So yummy!!

The married couple cutting the cake. Showing the back to protect their anonymity.

The following day, several of us drove to the lake to hang out. Since I had gone separately from most people, I headed over to the lake about 3 hours ahead of everyone else. Though it was in the 90s, it still felt nice oddly enough.

Lovely beach area. :-)

Lighthouse!

Pirate ship on the lake!

Back wandering in town.

I was glad that I went. JW-M told me that I was one of the few close friends he had made in undergrad.
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September - Old Friend's Wedding

About 3 weeks ago I flew home for my old friend's wedding (I'll call him TR-M here as I think I had before). We had known each other since kindergarten and we were next-door neighbors for almost a decade. We stayed friends even after I moved to the other side of town. Like my best friend's wedding, this was one I couldn't miss.

I love stained glass windows.

The ring-bearers. They were SO ADORABLE!! Especially the younger patting the older one on the back in reassurance.

There were many people at the wedding that I hadn't seen since high school! It was a very nostalgic feeling to see them and what's happened since we all graduated high school. Aside from the wedding train, we all sat at the same table . . . at the very back of the reception hall next to the bar. Though we were annoyed at being seated so far away from the head table, we had fun anyhow. The most interesting thing about the reception was the distinct lack of a wedding cake. Instead, the newlyweds had an assortment of desserts that came around quite frequently. It was differently delicious!!

Table 16/20 at the end.

This is what I had instead of cake: hazelnut creme brulee.

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All these pictures don't do justice to the events. But of course there are many more pics that I took that I will refrain from including. I'm glad that I was able to make it to both these weddings. This makes the 3rd wedding I've been to this year! Wow.

---TANGENT---
Remember the hot gay intern I met at the one meet and greet a few weeks back? Probably not, but that's okay. I randomly came across him on Grindr. Alas it says that he's partnered. :-( Sigh, such is my luck ALWAYS.
---END TANGENT---

Less Person, More Intervention

A couple days ago I was at an advisor's apartment to welcome students of the incoming M1 class. His wife, who has acute myeloid leukemia, was also present. By any statistic you can quote she has beaten the odds more than once. She's a tough one and still fighting on.

Almost 3 years ago when she first greeted me and others as freshly minted M1s, she was lively, warm, and motherly. Now, bald and weak from chemo, tanned as if her skin had been baking under a desert sun, and also on dialysis, she appeared so frail and mortal. I've seen this before - the frailties of the body, broken by disease and worn from treatment and intervention. But also peering through are the embers of a once-strong soul. I could tell through her heavy-lidded eyes that she wanted to be healthy enough to interact and engage with all of us, instead of lying on the living room couch. I could tell that behind her wearied smiles that she's fighting off her own suffering.

I read a blog article the other day by a doctor who experienced what it was like to be a patient. What he wrote seems to mirror some of the patient's I've seen. Being a patient in the hospital must be one of the most frustrating things in the world. You rarely fully know what's going on with you, nurses are poking you every 15 minutes to 4 hours, and doctors order things to be done on/to you as you lay helplessly. We just need to remind ourselves that, at the end of the day, we can go home. Our patients often can't.

It's easy to correct an electrolyte imbalance. It's easy chase a blood culture. It's easy to track labs. But it gets harder and harder to see patients as people and not a "bag of symptoms." You look at someone and you don't see a mother, a sister, a father, a brother. You look at someone and you don't see a baker, a chef, a nurse's assistant, a student. No, instead you see an alcoholic, a morbidly obese individual, a body part, an organ, a pulmonary embolism, a cancer. All of which is true, one can't objectively deny any of it.

But in the ICU (intensive care unit), I've seen people become less and less person and more and more medical intervention until all that's left is a body on a ventilator with an NG tube, a Foley catheter, an arterial line, a central line, and a telemetry attached. In that state the soul has probably fled and all that's left is a shell of a person kept alive, not for the patient's sake, but for someone else's (whether it's the family or the medical personnel).

A woman was brought in to the ICU today. Full code, meaning CPR and the whole deal. She should have been left to die in peace. As my senior resident said, "This is a special place of Hell that people are forced to suffer through when someone calls the code."

That said . . . people occasionally do get well enough to regain their humanity and go home.

You're Better Than Me

About a week ago, I had the following conversation with Michelle on gchat (slightly edited):

Michelle: Hey, I try to be open. But when I'm not good enough to talk to someone . . . I get really irritated.
Me: Awww. I never got that sense from her. Maybe I'm just oblivious, idk.
Michelle: No, you fit into a different class of people than me. This is most certainly not the first person I've experienced this response from in our class.
Me: Lol, what do you mean by that?
Michelle: You're better than me. I'm overweight, and I don't look like I have money . . . so I get relegated to a lower class. Plus a myriad of other factors. But I'm judged on the first two sooooo quickly.
Me: How am I better than you? And how do I not meet those criteria too?
Michelle: You're more peppy than me. More positive. People like you. I don't know anyone who doesn't like you.

I was rather taken aback by her statement. While it's true that I don't know of anyone who overtly dislikes me, I'm not exactly best buds and close friends with most people in our class either. I tend to hover outside near the fringes of most social circles. It's a rather weird place to be, tbh.

Maybe I am peppy, though I don't really feel it. I try to be positive, but sometimes that's difficult. In any case, I certainly feel no better than anyone else (and very much the opposite compared to some people I know). If only personality is everything, hehe.

---TANGENT---
1. I got an iPod Touch a few days ago. We need one for use in the hospitals and clinics (apparently). I had the option of getting an iPad but I turned it down. Before you shriek, here's why: it's bigger and less practical to carry around in the hospitals. True, it fits in my white coat, but it's just this big bulky thing that I don't want to have on me at all times (and we'd be required to use it and have it with us at more or less all times). So yeah, I've been fiddling around with this iPod for the past few days. I resisted for a while before getting the Grindr app. I still don't see what the big deal is about it . . . Anyway, any "must get" apps?

2. Landyn's back (sorta)! Go read his update on his blog, Stuck In The Middle.
---END TANGENT---

Re-Introduction: The Masks We Wear

Mask by *Samurai-PET on deviantART

Many of you have followed this blog for some time since its inception 4 years ago. Some of you may be new followers or just stumbled across this. I've witnessed the rise and fall of many blogs, and somehow mine endures and survives the tests of blog-time. Though lot has happened in these last few years, this blog's purpose is still unfulfilled; thus, it endures. And so, a re-introduction to The Masks We Wear.

I'm Aek (my pen-name here), an Asian-American born and raised in the Midwest USA (and still slowly clawing my way out of this frozen north). I'm 24-years-old, and that makes me old enough to have friends getting married and to have witnessed the deaths of a few friends and acquaintances. Life is a stubborn yet tenuous thing. And I feel older than I should be.

Over these last few years I've worn or displayed one of several of my masks, each tailored for a specific situation or to reflect/hide a different aspect of me. And through these years, I've slowly witnessed several of my masks consolidate or else become supplanted by my Mask of Medicine (accursed med school!).

Where I've been, how far I've gone, how far I've yet to go, you're all welcome to read - to join and follow along as I begin to take off some of these masks. But you see, there are some masks that lie underneath my outermost masks. Will you see more than my eyes this year? I wonder.

Step Into the Light

Step Into The Light by ~eMadman on deviantART

If you haven't noticed by now, my blog layout has changed (rather dramatically). In the past, the color scheme has always been within the darker palettes. In some way, that conscious decision to keep this blog with the darker color palettes has reflected something within me.

And now I feel like it's time for a change. It's time to step into the light. Things have shifted around a bit, but the core content hasn't changed. Only the blog title panel designed for me by a blogger who blogs no more remains as a relic of the past.

I'm not yet sure how this change in the blog layout will reflect the direction of this blog going into the new year, and its fifth year. Wow, have I been blogging that long?! Anyway, to those who've been following for a while now, step into the light and walk with me for the fifth year. Let this change represent a rebirth of sorts, let it refresh within me the reason(s) why I blog and within you why you choose to follow.

Lastly, I came across the following while passing through some blogs:

Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside the Lines

You never enjoy your life
living inside the box.
You're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations
force you to play it safe.
Get rid of all the hesitation,
It's time for you to seize the day.

---TANGENT---
If you haven't been over to Ron's blog at I'm Keeping Score, do so NOW. He's having a tough time (as you can read from his last few posts) and can really use the support right now. Many of his greatest fears have materialized and we need to help him through this dark time.

Send him lots of hugs and show him the true light of support and love that we all are able to provide.
---END TANGENT---

Lost in Conversations

Well, no comments on my last post. Whatever, no answers for you. :-P
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Anyway, a couple days ago I called my best friend from undergrad to wish him a belated birthday and to just catch up. We've both been quite busy, what with me in med school and him in grad school halfway across the country. Now I'm not normally the kind of person who likes chatting on the phone for hours, but we chatted for almost 2 hours!

I could chat with him for hours. I always appreciate his perspective on things and he's probably one of the like five people who I can let my guard down and be completely open with. And that's saying something. After being surrounded by med students day and night, constantly discussing and whining about classes, it's refreshing to talk to someone whose background is just so radically different (he's doing his PhD in political science). We talked about anything from arsenic-eating bacteria to parasite-carrying flies in Africa (to which he suggests a genocide of all the flies) to Liu Xiaobo to the idiocy of certain Midwest governors for refusing federal dollars for constructing an interstate high-speed rail system.

I also found out that his fiance doesn't have texting. People without texting unite! Lol.
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On another note, remember Online Guy 2 (Drew)? Well, we've been chatting here and there online for almost a year now. And I still haven't met him in person. :-/ He doesn't have a car and doesn't particularly care to travel halfway anywhere to meet up. Or should I say, didn't?

I had previously discounted a possible relationship with Drew for a variety of barriers. The least of which is the 30 minutes or so that separate us (rough estimate). But he had been having some very rocky months with his ex-boyfriend and almost every time I chatted with him he wasn't in a good place. Recently things have been looking up though since they broke up for good.

Last night we chatted online for a few hours. We first talked about our desire to travel and such. And then he wrote, "Maybe we should finally meet in person, get to know each other, and do something like that [camping]." Apparently he likes camping and I've never really gone. That sounds fun (though certainly not in these winter months here), and thankfully the only real thing I have to worry about is Lyme disease, lol.

So progress? Hmm, we'll see where this goes (if anywhere). It'd be nice if he'd want to meet up somewhere for a coffee date or something (except I can't remember if he said he liked coffee or not). Our conversation then became quite sexual, which it never had in the past. I guess we were both kinda horny. It was kind of fun making him even hornier online, hehe.

---TANGENT---
So I recently came across this:

It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore

He's really attractive and has a great voice. Though, he makes some rather over-exaggerated facial expressions when he sings, haha. He's also not afraid to bare it all either!

There are some parts of this song that's quite cheesy. However, I like the following refrain:

We will make it, we're stronger,
for all the pain they put us through.
Words won't hurt us, no longer,
our dreams will be what get us through.
And when it feels like your whole world is ending,
remember me and all the other ones saying,
"It gets better, believe me."

---END TANGENT---

GLMA Conference

Okay, now or never. The long-awaited post on the GLMA Conference.

So if you recall, a few weeks ago I flew halfway across the US to San Diego, CA, for the GLMA Conference (9-22 to 9-25). I still haven't found the words to describe the experience. I'll do a separate post on what I learned there, rather than make this already lengthy post even longer.

Thursday, 9-23-10
Because of an obligation Wednesday night, I had to leave the morning of the 2nd day of the Conference. It was not a particularly good day. About 8 hours before my flight left (at about 6am), my roommate decided he was too tired from playing Settlers of Catan with some friends and didn't want to take me to the airport. Instead, he told a mutual friend to take me and that he'd pay $10 and I'd also have to pay $10 for this favor. He told me all this via another mutual friend on gchat.

Stressed as I was, I exploded. I was furious. First, my roommate decides he was too tired from playing a board game. Second, he decides to tell me this less than 24 hours before my flight leaves. Third, he gets me a ride from another friend who I'd have to pay (and he called it a win-win for everyone). Fourth, he didn't tell me any of this in person. Yeah, I was pissed.

I got another friend to agree to take me. So I woke up around 4am, checked that I had packed everything, and got ready to leave. I hear my roommate running down the hallway and enter our apartment just as I was finishing up. Evidently he "felt bad" and decided that he'd take me to the airport after all. I was still pissed. The whole ride there he kept saying how unfair it was that I was angry at him and that I shouldn't be expressing my frustrations towards him. -_-

Anyway, I got to the airport, got on my flight, and arrived in San Diego in one piece. I was tired from the flight and hadn't slept much at all. I keep forgetting how beautiful California is.

I call Dr. P soon after arriving and again once I got to the hotel. He came down to meet me and paid for my room (I still have to give him the hotel receipt so he can get reimbursed). I must've looked like shit. I register (Dr. P pays again), went to one session, then took a nap instead of getting lunch. I then attended whatever sessions interested me for the rest of the day.

The highlight of Thursday was meeting 2 people. The first was someone I took Spanish with in undergrad. She goes to med school where we both did undergrad. I'll call her "Lindsey" for this post. Anyway, it was good running into each other near the elevators; we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways that day.

The second person I ran into is "Keith." Keith is an Asian 3rd-year infectious disease (ID) fellow. He was apparently looking for me since Dr. P told him to say hi to me. He was really nice. It's possible that I could become Keith in 10 years, except he's way cuter and is a great dancer (more on that later). Perhaps that's why Dr. P sent him my way.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I didn't meet many other people, except a few friends of Keith who just finished residency. I was so tired that I decided not to go out with everyone. I just went to bed, and also I hadn't eaten anything all day.

Friday, 9-24-10
I woke up actually feeling pretty good, for once. I went down to get breakfast before the first plenary session. I ran into Dr. P and Lindsey there. Lindsey introduces me to the other 6 students from her med school there. I go into the first plenary session and sit with Dr. P and his physician friends. All of them had their iPhones and/or iPads out, and were typing on them or playing a game intermittently throughout the session. This included Dr. P at one point. I was amused.

As the session ended, Dr. P told me to find him around noon for lunch. We went our separate ways to different sessions. It just so happened that the session before noon was one that both Dr. P and I attended, so we sat near each other. Afterwards I just followed him out. We met up with his friends (and one of their med students in tow), and walked down the street for lunch.

The people in attendance at lunch were: Sports Med doc (from NY), Internal Med doc (from NY), Med-Peds doc (from OH), Dr. P, Dr. P's partner (a nurse), and another med student (also from NY). They were all great, and it was awesome listening to their stories and about their lives. Sports Med doc talked about his experiences with Latino patients, Internal Med doc talked about his practice in the LGBT community, and Med-Peds doc talked about starting up a clinic for LGBT patients in OH. They were pretty hilarious - especially Sports Med doc. He goes to the Sports Med conferences and he always wonders where all the gay guys are, but "at least there's a lot of eye candy there."

Then Dr. P mentions that I don't have texting. Instantly they all gasped and were like, "What do you mean you don't have texting?! You're just weird!" That was a bit embarrassing, lol. It was (apparently) inconceivable to them that any LGBT person wouldn't have texting. As Sports Med doc left, he told his med student to text him. ::facepalm::

I ran into Lindsey again after lunch and we went to one of the sessions together. A trans-woman M4 (Kelly) comes and chats with us. Apparently her mom, also a trans-woman, is the current president of GLMA (but I didn't figure that out till later).

In the evening, I hang out with Lindsey for a bit at a lesbian reception thing. Keith was there and introduced me to some residents. After the reception, Lindsey, a lesbian med student from IL, and I met up with other students to share a taxi to Urban MO's where the students' reception was being held. I'm not a huge fan of bars/clubs, but whatever - in a different city, an experience I'll likely only have once, so why not? Besides, Dr. P more or less "ordered" me to go, and he was going to stop by later to say hi.

We get there, wander a bit looking for other students, and finally find them towards the back of the bar near the dance floor. The Conference had opened and paid towards a bar tab, so the first x number of drinks we got were free. Lindsey was tipsy/drunk after her first drink. I get my second drink and gave just a bit to her to taste. I think each drink had to be equivalent to 2 shots - they just added so much alcohol in there! By the time I finished my second drink, I could finally feel the alcohol hit . . . and with that, the music and dancing. It seems I need about 4 shots to get me on the dance floor, lol. And even then I'm still aware of my incredible awkwardness, but I just seem to care less.

After a while, I saw the residents, fellows, and some physicians filter in. I saw this one anesthesiologist on the dance floor who had given a talk the day before. And then I spotted Keith. He had changed clothes in the interim and - maybe it's the alcohol or something - he was way attractive there on the dance floor dancing. I make my way over and ask if Dr. P was around, and soon after Dr. P comes up and says hi. Alas, I didn't see him drunk or dancing. He actually left for a different bar pretty soon after with other physicians. I dance with Keith for a little bit.

More dancing and I was feeling the alcohol wear off. I make my way to the bar and another med student (from OH) gets me a rum and coke. He was pretty drunk by then . . . I worried for him later that evening, but he somehow made it back to the hotel okay. As the night wore down, Lindsey and IL lesbian were getting quite into each other. I gave them their space and left with 2 med students and the Conference photographer (who's also an anesthesiologist). We chat in one of the hotel lobbies for a bit before retiring for the night.

Saturday, 9-25-10
The last day of the Conference! The sessions weren't as interesting as they were the previous days, but still pretty good. I met up with a med student (Frank) who I'd been chatting with for a few months since he came across this blog. It was good to finally meet him in person, though we didn't get much of a chance to hang out or talk at length.

At lunch, I went down to the pier and snapped a few pics. Here are some of them:

Later in the afternoon, I meet up with blogger Mike for a late lunch/early dinner somewhere in Hillcrest. We walked around and chatted, then had Thai. It was nice to meet in person after chatting online for years. He's pretty much exactly as I had pictured him. :-P

When I got back, it was time to head over to the Gala Banquet. I went with Kelly since she had her car there. We got lost for a little bit but finally found our way. It was a nice event, though I felt uncomfortably out of place. I sat at a table with this really attractive Australian lesbian (I assume she's a lesbian anyhow). There was more dancing, and this time many of the older people were on the dance floor. Imagine your mom or dad grinding on the dance floor. Yeah . . . I have a couple pics, but I won't post them here.

Sunday, 9-26-10
Since Frank and I had the same flight, we decided to ride to the airport together. I chose to get some sleep while he decided to go out (and didn't sleep). I set my alarm on my phone but I didn't wake up to it! So when he knocked on my door I literally shouted "Shit!" and leapt out of bed. We did make it to the airport shuttle on time. Phew! If he hadn't knocked on my door I would've sooo missed my flight.

Alas we sat at opposite ends of the plane. The guy sitting to my left was rather large and his arm overlapped onto me. Ugh. This is why I like aisle seats (or window seats).

And that's the GLMA Conference in summary.

Behind the Masks

Behind the Mask by =roundarosie on deviantART

Sometimes I wonder . . .

Sometimes I wonder if there was ever really a face to the person behind the masks. Sometimes I wonder if the person forgets that he is wearing masks, like people wearing glasses sometimes forget. Sometimes I wonder if the person remembers that he is an independent entity apart from his masks. Sometimes I wonder if this person is able to separate himself from his masks . . .

I've blogged for so long now that it has itself become a mask - one through which I allow people who I've never met become my friends, one through which I let strangers glimpse some of my most personal thoughts and memories, and one through which I let the world read my secrets. Reflecting on this blog, it has seldom been me at my least restrained. More often than not, my posts are mere amplifications of my many masks.

Can I even dissociate myself from the masks I wear? Is there Aek without a love of biology, languages, and music; without medicine; without desire to help; without inner sexual conflicts; without confusion; without secrets embedded deep inside? Am I these things, or are they me, or is it both?

As children, the mind is amorphous and does many things - all things - simultaneously. As we age and become adults, the mind solidifies onto certain paths, narrowing options while enforcing those paths. And so I wonder, has parts of me been slowly chipped away by time and age, such that all that's left are the parts of me still attached to my masks? What is Aek when he's not a med student? What is Aek when he's still not sure if he's bi/gay/other? What is Aek behind the masks . . . behind that name?

Though it may not seem like it, though I may not always say it . . . there is still much vulnerability and insecurity to the face behind the masks. I'm still waiting for someone to take them off and look me in the face.

Overworked Bitch Goddess

Harry: My perfect [breast] size is C. Like a small-mid sized C. D's are just way too fukn big. Like "Holy cow, I can't even hug u big."

That quote's not related to anything, I just found it amusing how it came up while we gchat'd.

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So I was chatting with Michelle earlier today, and it seems neither of her roommates like me. I honestly have no idea what I did to offend them, because I've barely interacted with either of them. Roommate #1 apparently thinks I have a "know it all" attitude and that I should never be allowed to have patient contact (and more than that, she thinks I shouldn't go into peds). And Roommate #2 has no respect for me and thinks I should never have gotten into med school. Again, I've barely had any interactions with either of them and I've been nothing but polite/cordial with my the vast majority of my classmates. Also, they've been pretty polite back to me in public. Ugh, why can't people just show their true intentions/feelings to my face instead of this "fake niceness?" Sigh, the drama. :-/

Later I was also chatting with Michelle's bf, Lee. After a while I told him that I may be working with Roommate #2 (who I'll call Kat) on the exec board of a student group (I'll get back to the issue with her later). He asked which student group and I told him the LGBT one. He was surprised (I don't blame him) but was very "whatever" about it, like he is about pretty much everything that's not poker or Starcraft 2, lol. We talked a bit about the severe lack of LGBT health issue awareness and training amongst med students, and here's what he had to say about that:

Lee: [Regarding LGBT health issues] No offense to some of our classmates, a lot of people could use the wake-up call. :-P

That's my sentiment exactly, hehe. We've had no training or even mention of LGBT health issues throughout all of M1 year thus far, and I don't expect we will. I've heard from the M2's that they cut out (or will be cutting out) a small group discussion/module that focused on LGBT stuff during our M2 year. What little education might remain will likely be lumped into the "Psychiatry" or "Behavioral Sciences" course, together with fetishes, pedophilia, etc (at least, that's how it used to be years ago, I don't know if it's still true today).

Lee also mentioned how he doesn't know anyone in our class who's openly "out" (little does he know, lol). But I put it into perspective: why would anyone come out in med school? The rather conservative atmosphere of med schools isn't conducive to one coming out, especially if there's the slightest chance that it'd negatively affect one's career down the road. Furthermore, once someone comes out, it no longer matters what else they are. For example, they'd become "the gay guy" and any other defining thing about that person is wiped clean. Who wants to be "that gay guy" anyway? No one.

So yeah, I do want to make the LGBT group more visible and more applicable to the student body, as I can almost guarantee all doctors will run into a LGBT patient at some point in his/her career. The question is: how? I have a few ideas, but I want to expand further - and that I don't know how.

The outgoing president pretty much did indeed designate me as the future president of that group, I just confirmed. The only thing is, Kat is also really interested in being involved in the group. She was telling Michelle earlier today that she feels like she's going to be the only one on the exec board and will single-handedly improve the LGBT group, she feels that strongly. Except, once Michelle told me some of her ideas, I noticed that they're almost all doomed to failure.

It's going to be rough working with Kat. She wants that leadership power, and I don't want to give it to her because she'll use it to dominate the rest of the exec board (all potentially 3 of us). Funny thing is that she doesn't know I've been designated as the president of the LGBT group, so she really thinks she's the only one. She'll also be the president of 2 other student groups, treasurer of 2 more student groups, and a chair for a student group. To add one more presidency to that list would make her implode with stress, especially M2 year (at least, it'd implode me). Michelle is rather fed up living with her, because everything has to go her way. If not, she apparently becomes a total bitch. This kind of makes me want to be president even more, to "contain" her bossiness.

Sigh, so much drama before anything's even started! What to do, what to do, what to do?! I hope she'll at least be cooperative and polite to my face, otherwise the group will collapse. But again, hard to say as she seemingly has no respect for me and thinks I shouldn't even be here. Oh, and she wants to go into ob/gyn (because according to Michelle, she dislikes men). See the comic below under "ob/gyn" (original source here):Oh, and also look under the "Neurology" panel. That's exactly what I think about neurology. So much knowledge, so little ability to help.

Negativity

I want to talk about negativity.

But first, look at this picture. My friend emailed it to me. It's a lake in Burma somewhere. See anything interesting about it? We'll revisit it at the end of this post.

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Negativity

So negativity - that swirling maelstrom of mind-draining horribleness. It's in ample supply everywhere these days, it seems. It's effusing the blogosphere, politics, my daily life, everything! I'm tired of it. Negativity is like a foul contaminant, only a tiny micron drop of it is enough to ruin things.

Last Friday while playing poker (I lost, of course) with the usual group of friends, the topic of the recently passed health care bill came up. Now in this group of med students I've rarely felt such negativity towards something. All they could see is the negative aspects that may (or may not) affect them/us.

And while they complained about possible reduction in pay and increased taxes, I mentioned, "It doesn't matter - in the end, I'm still going to be making more than my parents. Combined." I guess that wasn't good enough because they continued to go off. Aiden mentioned the notion of a federal mandate and how it may be unconstitutional. He was like, "Sure, it's federal mandate that you have to get auto insurance. But you don't have to drive. If you do drive, you're potentially putting yourself and others at risk, so it makes sense to have an insurance mandate there. With health care you can maybe make an argument, but not so much." To which I responded, "You know, every public health worker would disagree with you."

The following day, I said to Aiden (who'll be one of the M2 free clinic managers), "You know, with this health care bill, the free clinic would be obsolete because patients will have health insurance." To which he again replied, "If it's not struck down as unconstitutional in the Supreme Court." Almost as if he wants it to be struck down! It's just, I don't know - I'm rather speechless.

The health care bill wasn't exactly meant for health professionals, but for patients. It's for the people we're supposed to one day care for, not for us. Being doctors shouldn't be about the pay, we shouldn't be trying to maximize our own salaries. Sadly, the $160K+ loan screams otherwise. And all of that is just wrong. :-/

Do I think the health care bill is perfect or the next best thing since sliced bread? No. I'm sure it's greatly flawed. BUT I do sincerely feel that it's a step in the right direction.
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Positivity

Now I want to talk about positivity. I'll start with the health care bill since that's where I left off with. Again, I believe the health care bill is a step in the right direction. I was talking to a public health friend of mine, and she basically told me that the entire public health school was cheering. Odd - the public health sector cheers while the medicine sector groans. Shouldn't the two be more aligned?

Anyway, while I was in DC, I asked my friends about the health care bill. They were both overwhelmingly in support. My best friend told me that his girlfriend is basically counting on this health care bill to pass, because in a few months she'll have to be taken off her parents' health insurance (when she turns 26 or something). She has a heart condition for which she takes a pill every day (alas, I don't know what the heart condition is). As long as she takes her meds she's fine. But they're rather expensive and if she doesn't take them, she passes out. A lot. She's currently a nanny for a few families, and obviously that job has no health insurance. So she's basically hoping for this to pass by the time she's taken off her parents' health insurance and/or her meds run out.

So perhaps my experiences and the experiences of some of the people I know sway my thoughts. And it does seem that I have a more liberal bent to my views than many of my peers (which is odd, because in undergrad my views were pretty moderate). To learn more about the health care bill, the NY Times did an excellent job compiling several articles they wrong on the subject here. And this article in particular struck a chord.

In other news of positivity, I got both positions I ran for (as I mentioned in this post)! So I got the positions for APAMSA co-president and FMSA patient education co-chair. W00t! :-P This is exciting, now I have the power to enact changes to the frustration of the current systems. Hopefully my vision will be more efficient/effective than the outgoing people's.
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This doesn't really fall into either of the above categories (though I suppose it could fall under "Negativity"), but there are couple friends who I'll never come out to. I was chatting on AIM with Harry and the topic of homosexuality and bisexuality came up. He's basically uncomfortable with both because: 1.) it's against the natural order of things - like, evolutionary dead end; and 2.) he thinks most homosexuals are actually confused and not "really" gay. I spent a good while discussing with him how his views are inaccurate and fall apart easily. But I can only do so much without challenging him to a mental duel - which I would win but would lose him to my "cause" in the aftermath. Oh well.

And now, to reveal the specialness of the picture at the very beginning of this post . . .

That picture (supposedly) is taken on a particular day at a particular time. And if you flip the picture 90-degrees, you get this:
Isn't that cool?! I don't know if it's PhotoShop'd, but I sure hope not. It's pretty amazing.

---TANGENT---
And lastly before I go (I know I've ranted quite without much structure a bit in this post), I'd just like to say that I wonder where Dave from Daze Gone Bi is. Has anyone seen/heard from him? Last he blogged, his laptop had serious issues and needed to get fixed. But that was over a month ago. :-/

I sent him an email but he hasn't replied. I hope everything's alright and that he returns to the blogosphere very soon. I quite miss him and his posts. In the mean time, I hope everything's going well for him!!
---END TANGENT---

Take Over

It's been pretty uneventful lately - lots of studying as exams are next week. :-( And then it's Spring Break! I'm going to Washington, DC to visit a couple friends there!! Pretty excited about that. :-D Not too sure what we're going to do once I'm there though . . .

Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered at the free clinic as a Patient Educator. I discussed with a friend (who took pity on me and came in to volunteer with me for - moral - support) on how horribly the Patient Education program is run. It was a great idea started by some students a couple years ago, but executed terribly. So we sat there for 4 hours with nothing to do but complain and discuss. Every now and then one of the free clinic managers (fellow classmates) came by and joined in. At the end, we had come up with an idea that could work, so I emailed the co-chair of the program (an M2). I also CC'd the email to my friend as well as 2 of the managers who were on that day. She emails me back and basically "turfs" it back to me and asks me to run for co-chair next year.

I had no intention of running for co-chair next year, but now I'm reconsidering. The program is set up so poorly that either someone has to completely revamp it or everyone just has to let it die. And now that this has been thrust upon me in a sense, I keep envisioning ways to revive it and make it better. I know what it'd take to make it work and I'm fairly good friends with a couple of the managers, so I can use that to my "advantage." Still though, the only way I'd run and take over the program is if I know I'll have a competent co-chair to lead with me.

Part of my reluctance to take over is because I want to become co-president of APAMSA (Asian Pacific American Medical Student Association) next year, as well as the president of LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine). As of right know, I'm aware of 3 people (including myself) vying for the 2 co-president positions of APAMSA. That leads to a bit of politics and intrigue, but I'm hoping that I can secure enough votes. And as for LGBTPM . . . I must say, that has to be the worst student group on campus. It's horribly organized (read: it's not organized) and it's at the point where the faculty adviser (the ID guy I shadowed) is worried if it'll still be around in coming years. I'm tempted to take it over not necessarily because I feel any sort of loyalty to that group (certainly not on the same level as I do towards APAMSA), but because I want to rise it out of its own craptastic ashes.

Anywho, where does this leave me for next year? Possibly co-chair of Patient Education (which is a part of FMSA - Family Medicine Student Association - which I'm not a member of, so I don't know how that'll all work), co-president of APAMSA, and president of LGBTPM. Hmm, I had considered running for like, secretary of PIG (Pediatrics Interest Group), but I think I'll pass on that now. :-P

As the M2's think only about the USMLE, let the take over begin . . . XD

---TANGENT---
I'd like to welcome an old blogger, BR from All Mixed Up in CA back to the blogosphere. He had stopped blogging a while back but just returned! He's a pretty casual blogger, but do go over and say hi. :-)
---END TANGENT---

Well, That Was a Good Run

---TANGENT---

Yes, it's one of those rare times that I begin with the tangent first because 1.) I don't want to forget, and 2.) it's that important.

First of all, I'd like to welcome Tim from life is my college (formerly A Story About a Boy and the Universe) back to the blogosphere. So please go to his (new-ish) blog and welcome him!!

Secondly, Edward and Landyn both lost their grandmas quite recently, on top of all the other crap they're dealing with. Please go over to their blogs and give them a hug, some condolences, and good thoughts.
---END TANGENT---

This post is a bunch of disconnected thoughts . . . so bear with me. You've been warned. :-P
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I've been doing quite a bit of running since Sunday. I upped my distance from 1mi to 2mi on Sunday, and then to 2.25mi on Wednesday (none of this including the walking distance flanking the run on either side for warm up/cool down). I've been pretty impressed with myself and my progress thus far, hehe. I was never really able to run more than 2mi at a stretch, max. Actually, at 2.25mi, my feet got kind of numb . . . so I took that as a sign to stop, even though my lungs were fine and (somehow) I didn't cramp up. Ah well, that was a good run. So yeah, I have to progress just a bit more steadily I think to prevent injury, lol. My legs haven't been AS sore as I feared they'd be.

Too bad I ate more slices of pizza than I should've in these last 2 days (and I was trying to control myself too). :-/ It'll balance out over the next week though, I'm pretty sure . . .
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I talked to Jay online earlier this week. He's really hard to get a hold of!! I'm not sure if we're going to be able to get anywhere relationship-wise, and here's why:

Jay: I don't think our lifestyles are compatible, but I do think we would make great friends.
. . .
Jay: I think I would be too much of a party animal for you, and you would be too straight laced for me.

So yeah, that sounds pretty clear to me that we probably won't get much further than "just friends," at least not now. Ah well, that was a good run.
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I am finally kind of sort of at/ever so slightly above average in some of my courses after the first block of exams this semester!

The average on neurosci was 93.18% and I got a 92.45% (close enough!). The average on cell & tissue bio (overall) was 88.91% and I got an 89.61%! Alas, my physiology exam wasn't so fortunate - average was 81.66% and I only got 76.25%. It was such a tough exam!! I tried harder for that class than the other two combined, lol. Ah well, that was a good run. (Seeing a pattern yet?)

It took so much studying effort. I'm hoping I can maintain this and/or do better on the next round of exams . . . in 2 weeks. o_O Fortunately, I have slightly more time to study for this upcoming round of exams, and I'm more caught up in classwork than last block. So hopefully I'll do better. :-)
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Lastly, I just spoke with the MPH (Master's in Public Health) people here. Basically, the conclusion we came to was that it's probably best if I completed my MPH (in Hospital & Molecular Epidemiology) back at my original institution. The MPH program here is a very basic and broad program, whereas my original MPH is a very focused and "high powered" specialization, if you will. We pretty agreed upon that it's ideal if I could somehow finish my MPH in my original program.

If I were to finish my original MPH program, then I would be poised to really have a niche field within medicine - one that's growing in importance daily. I would have such great knowledge in genetics, epidemiology, infectious disease, and medicine. The impression they gave me was that there's no way that I can not finish my MPH, because they think it's so valuable for me to have. I'm inclined to believe them . . .

That said, we talked for a good 40-45 minutes on how I could achieve that. It's inevitable that I'd need to take a year off somewhere, either between M2 and M3 year, or between M4 year and internship (which I've been advised against from every physician I've talked to about this). One of them brought up an option that I didn't know existed: take a year off between my M3 and M4 year.

After mulling that option over, I've come to the conclusion that it'd probably be the best time for me to finish my MPH then. The reason why I don't want to do it between M2 and M3 year is because I'd be totally disconnect from my cohort of classmates for my clinical years. And I think I'll really need to rely on someone I at least recognize for emotional support if nothing else, lol. Someone to bond and commiserate with. :-P

So why between M3 and M4 year? Because I can do away rotations during my M4 year, and I'd be spending a month interviewing for residency slots anyway. So it's possible that I'd be away from my med school for months at a time; and if I'm doing an away rotation, I wouldn't know anyone at that other location anyway. Plus, it allows me to travel across the US a bit, and visit cities and places I otherwise might not. Also, I would be doing away rotations at institutions I'd consider applying to for residency programs, so this also lets me "scout" them out a bit before I decide.

I have friends scattered throughout the US. I'm sure I can find someone living near an away rotation whose place I can crash at for 1-2 months, lol. The ID specialist I shadowed did that his M4 year - he didn't have an apartment, he just did away rotations and bummed at his friends' places for 1-2 months at a time. And he really enjoyed that experience. So why not at least try?

Well, that could be a good run. A part of me wants to go back and finish my MPH program so badly, for multiple reasons.
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Yeah, I know this post was all over the place and perhaps a bit off the wall, and certainly long. So to reward you for making it this far, I'd like to leave you with . . .

What Med Students Say

My friend, who I'm going to call Harry, and I have the most random convos on gchat - especially about med school and the way in which we complain about it. Here are some long-ish excerpts for your amusement (edited and punctuated to make it easier to read):

Harry: He [mutual friend] is able to focus, unlike me
Me: Hahaha, unlike us you mean
Harry: Ya, I'm just hoping I can bankai for it or something
Me: LOL, dude I haven't bankai'd in studying for so long
Harry: And sustain it
Me: I'm like, shikai-ing at best but then I'm hit with damn refractory periods that last up to 2 days
Harry: I felt like I bankai'd, went into hollow form, took off my eye patch, and went into 9-tails, and use amaretsu when studying for exams, at some point. Evidently, I've exhausted all of my Bleach and Naruto moves. Good thing I still have hyper beam up my sleeve.
Me: It's ok, I intend to get Aizen on the finals this semester
Harry: Also, remember in Bleach, whoever releases first loses. So, you better save that last release for the USMLE.
Me: Omg, you're right. Damn.
Harry: Or it's gonna pwn your ass.
Me: Ok, this is true, I'll save Aizen-mode for the USMLE.
Harry: Man, Aizen ain't even the strongest. The strongest is Ichigo screaming at the top of his lungs, at glass-shattering frequencies.

Harry: I don't particularly care so much, I'm a terrible doctor cuz if I don't know someone, it's hard for me to care about them.
Me: Awww.
Harry: So like, my doctor-patient relationship is strictly business.
Me: But you WILL get to know people . . .
Harry: So ya, hopefully whatever I do it won't be patient-interaction heavy.
Me: [My mentor] knew all his patients pretty damn well, and how things were like at home and such, and I'm like "wow . . . how do you keep all those people straight?"
Harry: Ya, I don't want to get that passionate about my job. As a doctor, you're supposed to be calm, cool and collected, and show passion.
Me: Kinda hard to be calm, cool, and collected, AND show passion, lol.
Harry: Ya
Me: Passion kinda negates those first 3 sometimes. Caring, sure. But caring =/= passion.
Harry: Basically asking to be a superhuman.
Me: I KNOW.
Harry: Which I'm not good at.
Me: I'm not either. I can be one or the other, but not both simultaneously.
Harry: I'd have to take like, acting classes for 2 more years if I wanted to get good at that.
Me: LOL. Alas, such is our life.

Me: God I don't wanna study.
Harry: I never want to study, lol.
Me: I spent all day trying to pump myself up to do so too.
Harry: All day yesterday, haha, building up that activation energy only not to reach past the threshold.
Me: Haha, yeah.
. . .
Harry: Neuroscience is the beast, lol, beast of all beasts.
Me: How so?
Harry: So many lectures, where 1 = 1.5 lectures.
Me: Hahaha, yeah . . . and then there's phys, the mother of beasts.
Harry: That's ok for now, it hasn't released itself on us yet. But it's coming.
Me: It hasn't given birth yet is all. You can watch it getting bigger though, something's cookin in there.
Harry: Man, wtf. Why is my lack of motivation so enormous?! I can't believe my most productive studying days are the ones I played 3 hours of ping pong on.
Me: Hahahaha. Just do it.
Harry: Well, I'm gonna sign off AIM @ 3, see what happens, lol. Cuts the activation energy in half.
Me: Hahaha, are you hoping it'd act like a co-enzyme?
Harry: No, AIM is a competitive inhibitor that binds with higher affinity than studying molecules to my attention receptors.
Me: Hahaha, is it sad that we're talking like this?
Harry: What's even sadder is when I start studying and will be able to talk in phys terms instead of biochem terms. All downhill.

So as you can see, we're humongous dorks. :-P Oh, on a completely different note, I'd like to thank the people who sent me questions on my formspring.me. You can either go to this link here to see my answers, or follow my Twitter on the left sidebar. Keep sending me questions and I'll answer them when I can!

Also, I was talking to a few people earlier tonight. It seems my ambitions to lose weight have failed yet again. :-/ I'm kind of at a loss on what to do . . . I talked to PYB of pickingyourbrains and he suggested 1.) eliminate all junk food from my diet and 2.) run 3 miles/day, 4-5x/week. Now, I'm a horrible runner. I simply suck at running. It'll take me a good 3-4 weeks to work my way up to 3 miles, if I'm diligent.

What I've settled on for the moment is to eat a bit healthier (though I eat fairly healthy, but it could be healthier still) and divide my meals into 5-6 smaller meals/day, increase the distance I run (by about 0.5 miles/week until 3 miles), and maintain what little weights I currently do. And do all this hopefully at least 3x a week. So to all readers out there, any advice for me? IM/email/leave a comment please! I'd love to lose 20-30 lbs by the end of May.

---TANGENT---
So despite the gchat convo above with Harry, I did manage to get some studying done. However, I spent the majority of my day catching up on blogs. So to the following bloggers, if you haven't already, you'll see a huge wave of comments from me on your blogs.

Earl Grey of Part of the Q
Joe of Being Bi in college
Manu of Rendre Bleu

I still have many blogs on my "to read" list bookmarked in my internet browser. So hang on tight and know I'll get to you (some day . . .). Now go over and welcome those bloggers to the blogosphere! :-D
---END TANGENT---

Janus

First of all, it seems like I've jumped on the bandwagon with formspring.me. It's kind of nifty, so ask me any question you want! You can do so anonymously. Go ahead, amuse me. :-P


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Anyway, Janus is the Roman god of gates, doorways, beginnings and endings. Janus is depicted as a person with 2 heads facing in opposite directions. The month of January carries his namesake. Sometimes I feel like my interests are kind of like that, facing in opposite directions.

A couple days ago I was talking with some fellow classmates about . . . something, I forget what. But at some point I mentioned the 1000 Genomes Project and how my former lab was super-excited about it. The thought of this project is pretty mind-blowing as well as its ramifications. To sequence the genomes of at least 1000 individuals in 3 years, and then to have all that data to analyze, is super-exciting indeed!

My former lab was a cancer genetics epidemiology (particularly colorectal cancer), and they were hoping to participate in a multi-center, multi-national consortium in analyzing the results of the 1000 Genomes Project for cancer genetics. Each center has its own role - Seattle, other parts of the US, London, Toronto, etc. The PI joked that we would "outsource" the genotyping to a 3rd-world lab, such as Toronto, lol. Anyway, just discussing genetics again, and epidemiology, and the implications for the future of medicine and clinical practice really got me going.

Today I shadowed my mentor again (still required to shadow 2 more times before the end of the semester). For the last 2 patients I saw, he told me to go take the medical history and physical exam. What a way to throw me into it all, as I've no training in dealing with peds patients other than watching him work.

The first of the 2 patients came in with earache. Simple enough, right? Well, apparently I forgot to ask all sorts of questions, lol . . . as well as do the physical exam, because I didn't know I was supposed to nor have I been formally shown how. When I "finished" and went to go get him, he told me a nice pearl of wisdom:

"You should have a good idea of what the diagnosis is by the end of the history and exam. If you have no idea, go do it again."

I was much better with the 2nd patient, who I saw immediately afterwards. It was a kid who had a cough for the last week or so. Simple enough, right? I did the history (pretty bland and straight-forward there) and the physical exam which included: looking in the ears and throat, and listening to lung and heart sounds. Apparently I forgot to palpate (feel) the submandibular glands for swelling, the spleen for mono (you should never be able to feel the spleen in a healthy person), and the liver. Ah well, I got most of it. Next time I'll remember. :-)

So primary care isn't particularly simple (and anyone who thinks it is should be slapped). There are always so many things to remember! At least I'm just an M1 and get a TON of slack in all this, lol. I'm rather annoyed that the vast majority of my M1 education has ignored children's health and women's health (except for gynecological issues). I mean, I don't even know how to properly listen to heart sounds in kids and women (have to work around the breasts somehow)!

Anyway, where was I getting with all this? Oh yeah, that I still like my MPH stuff as well as clinical MD stuff. I suppose I'm kinda bi in this respect, lol. Hence Janus. I'll be talking with my med school's MPH director next Thursday about maybe finishing my MPH here. There's no MD/MPH program here, annoyingly. :-/

---TANGENT---
I'd like to welcome a new person to the blogosphere, Edward of Pardon my Schadenfreude. Please go over and give him a warm welcome!!

Also, I'd like to plug Biki's collab blog, You Could Have It So Much Better. I know I gave a plug for this blog a while back; there have been collab blogs before but none of them really took off, so I hope this one does! If you have a general question about . . . anything(?), send her an email and someone will hopefully write a post about it. Chances are, if you have some general question, a lot of other bloggers out there probably do as well. It's "general" for a reason, lol.

Lastly (I swear I've edited this post several times already, grrr), you may have noticed that I reorganized the blogs I follow on the sidebar. I've sorted blogs by world region/continent (the US is broken down into several regions, due to the fact that the majority of the blogs I read are from the US).
---END TANGENT---

It's a Long Day When

. . . you start daydreaming about sushi halfway into the first lecture of the day (out of five 1-hour lectures). And it just went downhill from there, lol.

In one of the breaks between lecture, I was talking to some fellow students and we unanimously agree: recess and nap time for med students. Seriously! Med school is rather like high school again, but please let us regress just a bit more so we can have recess and nap time, please? We'd be so much more effective and happy. :-)

I did learn something in neurobio today: effect of cannaboids (marijuana and such) = fat, dumb, and happy; calm, cool, and collected. I just found that really amusing. Actually, it's the receptors of the neuro-lipid 2-arachidonoglycerol (2-AG) that cannaboids act on. And I'm sure that last sentence meant nothing to most readers right now, so . . .

I skipped the cell & tissue bio (CTB) lab today, hoping to do it on my own time in my apartment since all the histology slides are online. But no, technology has to hate me. I'm unable to log in to my med school email as well as school-related site that requires my email name and password. The funny thing is, I save my passwords on my Firefox browser. So I went in there to make sure the password I was entering was correct. It was. AND IT STILL WOULD NOT LET ME SIGN ON.

I succumbed and just sent an email to the IT people to have my password reset so I could (hopefully) log on later tomorrow or the next day. Fortunately, I have all my med school emails forwarded to my gmail account.

In other news, "Online Guy" and I chatted a bit last night and now we're Facebook buddies, lol. He asked if I'm free this weekend to meet up for a drink. Details pending, hopes tentative.

---TANGENT---
Two things:

1. Thanks to everyone who read my last two posts and commented. Things got a bit heated I think, so I'd like to just leave those two posts alone for now and move on. I mean, my last post became so epically long! But it's not like it's going to substantially change the minds of people who're dead-set in their views.

2. Biki over at her advice blog, You Could Have It So Much Better, invited me to write a guest post. So read it here! :-P
---END TANGENT---