Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Masks of Sexuality II

Okay, so enough of the biological analysis and speculation. This post is more of a "back story" and personal history, and will probably be very embarrassing for me. Alas. In reflection, this might also be somewhat weird.

I remember as a little kid going through this random period where I thought models were kind of cool, and for the period of maybe a few months to a year, I sometimes posed in family photos; so glad I grew out of that phase really quickly. [Terribly embarrassing to look at these photos now, I wish I could burn all of them.] I also played with dolls and action figures indiscriminately, usually at the same time. I pretty much played with any toy that was there, and they were always given some kind of superhuman powers, particularly flight and super-strength. I most liked Legos though. Legos and puzzles were awesome; I liked building things and planning things. Then destroying them (haha), then rebuilding them. Didn't much like cars, still don't care too much about cars unless I'm going to buy one.

In elementary school I also played soccer for 2-3 years. I played defense, which I sucked at because I wasn't very aggressive. Soccer is not my game and I always felt awkward playing it. Throughout all of middle (junior high) and high school I sucked at sports and hated gym. The only thing I liked was swimming because I tended to be better than most people, having taken years of swimming lessons (which I also hated at first).

I hated changing in the locker room. Most guys spent more effort covering themselves than looking at each other, but even still, discrete peeks were still easy. In 5th grade we had some sex ed and it left me confused and extremely curious, on top of my already insane curiosity at that age. And in 6th grade was the first time I really understood what circumcision was, as most guys around me were circumcised and thus different from me. It was a curiosity, and I wondered why those guys had a part of their penis cut off and how they could stand everything being exposed and rubbing against underwear and such. I suppose my curiosity grew more and more, and I wanted to peek more (always discretely of course).

Looking back, this curiosity must've been the catalyst for everything afterwards and probably how my sexuality then developed. I think I was around 12-years-old when I first masturbated and ejaculated. Thankfully I knew what to expect (though I didn't know what masturbation was) and so semen didn't surprise me. It felt good and I had no inhibitions about it, other than I knew it's something I should do in private so my parents and brothers didn't find out.

Back to circumcision, I was still really curious. And I researched it on the internet with our dial-up. That took forever. The info I found made me go either, "Well, isn't this procedure kind of pointless and potentially bad?" or "I never had any problems with mine, so why do people make such a huge deal to have it done?" Of course it led to more questions and more curiosity, and then some personal quiet activism against it later.

In any case, I can't say I went through a period of raging hormones and instantly fell head-over-heels attracted with either guys or girls. This is kind of weird, now that I think about it. Perhaps I really suppressed any semblance of sexuality in middle/high school, I don't know. I mean, I found girls attractive. Just not quite sexually. I found guys attractive and admired (and really envied) those with really good bodies. For the longest time I convinced myself that my attraction to guys was really admiration and envy. Around this time I discovered porn online. I don't know how and I also don't know how I did so with dial-up. Of course, everything was just pics, no movies or anything until really my freshman year of college. Even looking at gay porn, I was still convincing myself I was just admiring/envying their bodies (which I do, to some extent). Naked pics of women never really did much for me. I equated most naked pics of women with sluts, and sluts aren't attractive to me at all. Though I must admit, sometimes (albeit rarely) they can turn me on if it's just right, or if I look at them long enough (but I'm too impatient for that).

In middle school all my friends were guys. I did talk to some girls and never really felt awkward around them. In fact, I usually felt more comfortable talking to a girl I didn't know compared to a guy I didn't know. I guess girls are just easier to talk to or something. In high school and later in college, I started having two major groups of friends - one was almost all guys, the other was almost all girls. I find this dichotomy rather funny actually. I'll change between the two groups depending on my mood, which changes rather frequently. I enjoyed that flexibility.

And that's more or less a summary of my sexual/social development until college. I was a fairly shy kid with a few close friends and many casual friends that I associate with in only certain situations and such. Some of my friends in college actually say I'm one of the most outgoing persons they've met from the way I approached them and became friends. That amused me because I always felt the exact opposite. Perhaps I'm not as shy as I used to be, or I'm just not as shy as I thought, who knows.

The first time I had a real crush was in my freshman year of college, a long time coming. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend. I then developed a crush on my roommate's best friend, but he's straight and fairly conservative, and he has a girlfriend (who he recently proposed to and now they're engaged). Then I developed another crush on a girl my sophomore year, but alas I found out she also had a boyfriend. As a result, I've temporarily given up on sexual relationships. Oh, and throughout all this, I still hadn't confronted what my sexuality might be. Kind of just kept avoiding it.

There were two relationships with two girls that could've developed into something. I stopped it short at being "just friends" because in one encounter, I was really busy with classes and I felt there was an inherent cultural difference that I foresaw being potentially a problem down the road. And the other I truncated last year so I could work out my sexuality on my own throughout the course of the year (I might revisit that relationship again, if she doesn't have a boyfriend by now). So basically I'm left with never have had a sexual relationship, never kissed/been kissed. That's depressing.

So that's pretty much all up-to-date: no experiences, now willing, and not knowing what to do. I am glad that I've gotten better at sports though (thanks to my guy friends here at college), and I rather like some sports now like football. But particularly racquetball and tennis. And the gym isn't so bad anymore.


B said...

Wow I'm finding a lot to relate to in this three part series of posts. I was the same way as far as not going through a "raging hormones" stage, and also the part about justifying the interest in guys by chalking it up to envy.

Anonymous said...

Haha, this section needs revision!

Anyways, kissing isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hugging and cuddling, though...that's where it's at. ^_^