Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mask of Smiles

It seems I'm within arm's reach of that wall - that glass wall that easily cracks with the slightest touch and the gentlest breath. I thought I had survived, that I can trudge through this last stretch. But now I'm not so sure. And yet, I'll smile.

So many things depend on me to move forward. Decisions to be made, emails to be sent, things to delegate, people to coordinate, people to talk to, people to smile at. But I'm slowly crumbling inside. And yet, I smile.

I say I'm tired, that I'm exhausted, that I'm stressed. You agree and say "What a long week it's been or going to be." But I can see that you don't really share my frustrations. You don't share the same burdens of responsibility or whatever it is with me. You certainly must think "Oh, it can't be that bad." Because I smile, because I'm smiling. And you can't see past that. Deep down perhaps you don't believe me. It's okay, no one really hears what I say when it matters.

Right now I wish I were the patient and you are the doctor who comes and heals me, fixes me, mends my cracks. Someone to hold my hand and say "It's okay" and walk me through this step-by-step. Someone to give me a hug or at least a reassuring hand on the shoulder. Someone who knows what's to come and will be there with me. Someone who sees past the mask of smiles and asks those questions to open the box of answers that I cannot freely give to just anyone - perhaps not even to myself. Ask me for my innermost secrets and darkest fears. And show me, not just tell me, what I'm supposed to do.

Until then, I'll keep up this Mask of Smiles. Because at least then it's only I who suffer. Because at least then I can pretend that I'm not so close to that breaking and crumbling wall. And because it's a test that you must pass to let me know that you truly know and care without me having to say it first.

And because you read this, you've already failed. These false smiles shall persist yet.


Mike said...

Yeah, you need that vacation, and you're going to relax!

naturgesetz said...

At least it will be a change of pace.

I hope you will leave everything behind when you go to the conference. Too many people bring everything along with them via the internet, so they've never really gone away.

I don't doubt for a minute that all the stress is there, but it is stress you have placed yourself under. I'm alarmed by your saying that you're crumbling inside, that you're close to shattering the glass. Please ask yourself whether ten years from now these things that are stressing you now will be important enough to have put yourself through what's happening. Are these things all so important in the long run that they are worth breaking the wall and crumbling inside. And what happens to them if you do break and crumble?

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Aek

You devise a test for us, and then tell immediately that we have failed - but how can we here in blog-land ever pass it? All we know is what you tell us, and if what you say is censored by your mask, then how can we know what you really feel?

So, I'm concerned. I've been following you for perhaps six months (and, yes, not once before commented), and in all that time you have come across as positive and upbeat. Maybe tired, stressed and frustrated too, but confident about the future and what you were doing to bring it about.

Please, take off the mask, and tell us what is really going on. I understand the need for questions from another person to unlock the answers you have inside, but I don't yet know what to ask. What are your secrets? What do you fear?

I'm thousands of miles from you; I'm sorry that I can't provide the reassurance of physical contact in person. But nevertheless, I hope that you will take the thought for the deed:



Anonymous said...

Made me feel very sad when I read your post. Asked like a thousand times WHAT COULD I DO or TELL, but have to acknowledge I'm just so... youg and don't understand everything, just too young and unable to really help another people, don't know good advices, have such a poor experience of life.

I'm sorry for that. Really. The only naive thing I could tell is that, if I were you, I would 'escape' for some hours, walking and walking to find enough peace (or climbing in my favourite tree) to think myself what is the most important to keep and what overwhelms me too much that I should let it down, at least for a while.


Anonymous said...

Deep Breaths.....Relax....Deep Breaths.....Relax.....

I will share something I stumbled upon and shared with a friend who is equally tormented by uncertainty.

There was a reason you and your current partner were brought together. What have you learned and how have you grown? We may have several or many relationships on the way to ‘The Beloved’. They are all meant to give us the growth and experience we need so that we can have the quality of relationship that nourishes and serves our highest good"….The Divine-Feminine Institute
Facebook search the Divine-Feminine Institute... Good Stuff.

Enjoy San Diego! Be yourself! We are all on a journey.

Ron said...

good post.. at times i feel that way too.. although i'm quite sure with all the extra-curric stuff you do, you've got a lot more on hand

. said...

Good post Aek...I wish I could help further...I'll have to look for you online again soon!! Hope the week ahead is great for you!! Including that trip you take!!

Aek said...

Mike: The vacation was much needed. But still not at 100%. It was nice seeing you (albeit briefly)!

naturgesetz: Most of these things are (or can be) quite important to the people they affect. If no one is willing to deal with stresses worse than mine, then we wouldn't have critical care/ICU doctors, or neurosurgeons, and whatnot. Someone has to do it, and in these cases, it's me.

A Wandering Pom: It's true, anyone who reads this post fails categorically. You ask me for my secrets and fears, and I'll answer that (but not in this comment).

mutikmarkus: Don't feel sad for me. You shouldn't blame yourself. Just live.

Anonymous: That was nice. If only I had a partner . . . I find it unusually difficult to "be myself." I'm not even sure what that means anymore.

Ron: Yeah, I think you understand where I'm coming from, as not so long ago our sentiments might've been switched. But fortunate for you, you've got a bf now!! And I'm happy that you do.

.: It's nice to hear from you in a comment here.

4rx said...

we share the same same burdens through the whole life, you are completely right.