Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Mask of Anonymity

I hate being at home (for long periods of time, like the entire summer). I mean, it's pretty good not having to cook for yourself or pay for pretty much anything, but then I have to put up with the parental nagging and my two brothers who never seem to leave me alone. I actually kind of miss cooking for myself; I like cooking. I really want fall semester to start again, to think it's my last fall semester of my undergrad.

Anyway, this post I wear the Mask of Anonymity. Sometimes I tend to be cryptic, haha. Keeps people guessing. The irony of anonymity isn't lost on me. Because no one who reads this knows me in real life (I hope, so far), so I'm completely anonymous, I'm able to talk about some of my deepest aspects without worrying about personal consequences. Even my name on this blog, "Aek," is just a combination of the first letters of my name and my brothers' first names. After some thought, I've decided that Aek is pronounced "eek." So, what about me?

Well, I suppose the best "term" to describe me is an oscillating hybrid (I'm such a dork). I'm a 21-year-old Asian-American born and raised in the Midwestern US, soon to be in my last year of undergrad. I'm bilingual and only somewhat recently have come to truly, and I mean truly, appreciate that. And I took 4 semesters of Spanish at my university, so I guess I can speak 2.5 languages. So I'm always bouncing back and forth between a couple languages.

Sometimes I think I have too many interests and not enough time. I like to draw, I like musical instruments, and many other things besides. All in all, I often wish there were more hours in the day. There's a part of me that's the dreamer - the optimist and the creative artist. And there's a part of me that's the realist - the pragmatist who emphasizes logic and practicality. Sometimes these two halves are at odds and that can sometimes be interesting I suppose. I'm also usually very organized to an almost obsessive-compulsive degree, but not so much in the last few years (college changes a guy).

And all that just leading up to my deepest secret (at least, it feels that way). For so many years I've been uncomfortable with my sexuality, and I've kept it at "arm's length" and pretty much ignored it as I concentrated on other things. I'm not really sure how I was able to achieve that, but I did. Only in the last several months did I feel comfortable enough to admit what I think my sexuality is to myself. I'm bisexual, with a tendency more towards guys I think. I've never had any kind of romantic/sexual relations with anyone and never even kissed/been kissed, so in a way it's hard to tell for sure (and this is somewhat sad too). I'm not "out" and have never really kept it a secret (which isn't hard when one's sex life is next to non-existent), but no one has ever bothered to ask/question me about it, so I left it at that. Some people might think that bisexuality doesn't exist, and that it's a "halfway" on the path to realizing one's homosexuality, but I don't buy that. In any case, that discussion is for a later post.

So for many years I've felt like there's two sides of me. One side for each language, one side for creativity or practicality, and almost one side for each part of my bisexuality. I must say, it's been cool and fun sometimes, but much of the time it just keeps me frozen in my tracks. So here's where I am, almost at an intersection in life, stuck to the spot and wondering where to go. I think it's about time I figure out where I'm headed.


J.R. said...

Some bloggers have asked me how I'm sure I like boys if I've never even kissed one... But I think people just know. My brother and all my friends knew they liked girls before they even kissed one, so... it's a weird question to me.

And also, I didn't have a first date or anything until college either. In high school, I did the same as you and tried to ignore sex and romance, for my own sanity. And even when I decided to face it, I ignored the real issue: I dated girls.

Nothing Golden Stays

James said...

Wow, this post needs some updates. :P