Friday, January 15, 2010

That Gaydar Thing

. . . that I don't seem to have. At all (unless one is obviously flamboyant). *Sighs*

But my labmate Leslie does. She "knew" that I wasn't straight early on in our interactions in anatomy lab. Today I asked her to lunch so that I could ask her the question of how she knew I wasn't straight. Alas, she wasn't able to tell me a specific answer. Her words: on the spectrum from straight-acting to flamboyant, I'm very much on the straight-acting extreme. Well, that was hardly useful. -_- Though she seemed very confident in her ability to point out every gay guy in our class (no one is out, to my knowledge - and the medical environment isn't exactly conducive to this).

We spent a good hour or so talking about such things. We talked about how I kept my sexuality in a metaphorical box that I put on a metaphorical shelf - I know it's there, I know what it is, but I'm too scared to open it. I told her I was very uncomfortable with the bar/club scene. She mentioned internet dating (little does she know about Online Guy, lol). So we'll see what my Pandora's box has in store for me. Though I can talk rather dispassionately and at length about this online or in writing, it's sooo much more difficult in person. I was avoiding eye contact with her almost the entire time.

We also talked about how poorly the LGBTPM student group is run at our school, and that if I wanted the president position for that student organization it'd probably be mine for the taking (considering it, actually). It's almost insulting how bad it's run compared to other student groups. Granted, it's one of the smallest groups, but that's hardly an excuse.

Oh, and interestingly enough, Leslie mentioned how many gay guys develop a crush on her, thinking they love her, only to find out they're not straight later. She told me of this kid she knew in 1st grade who had a crush on her for years, only to come out in high school. Fuck, did I just fall into that pattern too?! *Sighs*

I don't know, but I think as a result, I've felt very conflicted the entire day. It's that feeling again, of an invisible hand squeezing my heart. I don't like it. I guess I'm just not comfortable with myself - not with how I look, not with how I feel. I guess I'm feeling down again.
Anyway, Online Guy is (apparently) busy this weekend. We've chatted a couple times online. He's more free next weekend, so we pushed meeting up back a week. I've got to come up with a name for him; I'll call him . . . Jay. And I suppose I should say a little about Jay.

He's 21, a nursing student, and has ambitions to be a doctor specifically working on regenerative medicine. He seems very liberal, pretty idealistic, and very open. He likes his beer (lol?) and admits he used to occasionally smokes pot, though not so much anymore. I don't know how I feel about this, I guess I'll seek if he reeks of it when I do finally meet him (for my sake, I certainly hope not). Intellectually we seem to have quite a bit in common.

I'm kind of nervous at the prospect of meeting him. I don't know what he'll think of me. I'm certainly not attractive (I wouldn't find me attractive anyway), so I've nothing that'd catch one's eye. I'm like an essay without a literary hook in his intro paragraph to reel the reader in, though I have the subsequent substance to make it worthwhile if one can get past the opening quickly enough.

Oh yeah, there's also an Online Guy 2 (I'll call him . . . Drew). We've only emailed back and forth on that dating site a few times. But lately his emails have been rather playful. I think he's just a laid-back and playful guy. I don't know much about him other than he's bi, 21, in his last year of undergrad, and applying to grad programs. I guess I'll see what happens with Jay first though.

So in the last few days, many of my fellow M1's who I've talked to have had thoughts of quitting med school and doing something else, like become a teacher, lol. But we all agree that we're too far in debt to back out now - there's only the way forward. I think this is mostly a function of us being really frustrated lately.

I was browsing YouTube and I came across the following two vids. To think that I was able to play the following two pieces before, insane! I was good at the piano. It's been such a long time since I was that good. It brings back memories and nostalgia.

Rachmanioff's Prelude in G minor, Op. 23, No. 5

Chopin's Sonata No. 2 in B flat minor, 1st Mvt.

This was the most difficult piano piece I've ever played - both technically and musically. Every note aches suffering, whether in rage or in despair. Thinking back, my piano teacher gave me several pieces that ached of suffering. Maybe there was something in my playing then that reflected the internal struggle I feel now. Hmm . . .

Plain White T's - 1234

I saw this posted in one of my friend's away messages. I thought it was incredibly cute. It at the same time made me both happy and sad. :-/


Biki said...

I think we are our own worst enemy, we never feel attractive enough, smart enough, etc. It just boils down to the fact we don't truly see ourselves accurately. I'm going with that you are cuter than you think.

Ron said...

i agree with what's Biki said above.. it's a problem that a lot of us have. except for those that are exceptionally attractive to begin with.

and even then, some people bitch about it. it's a natural thing i suppose :P

and oh... yeah i barely have a gaydar either. it sorta sucks haha, i can't pick anything up unless the guy is at least somewhat camp (flamboyant/flamer).

i'm also pretty much the extreme spectrum of straight-acting gay guys. there's been no one that, upon finding out or that i've told, guessed i could possibly be non-straight at all. which is both a good thing and a really bad thing. quite a few gay guys i know in my class also said they couldn't pick out that i might be gay.

lol oh well


Dave83201 said...

You are more in need of a hug than anyone I know. I just wish I were there to give you one. Hang in there Champ!

Just said...

Aek , other people don't see what we see in ourselves. We all be single if they did. Don't understand why you so hard on your self. Never heard of a Gay Whisper.. before ( have to research that, her gift could come in handy). My gaydar is so off. Anyway man , hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Woo-Hoo! You owe me details on IM, later young man.

And there's plenty there to attract someone, esp if that someone is a cute, nerdy Asian. :$

Uncutplus said...


Now you have made me fall in love with you. I would buy a grand piano to listen to you play Rachmaninoff, my favorite composer. His trio elegiaque #1 in G minor and #2 in D minor are so wonderful. And there is the Chausson Symphonie. Yes, they are a little melancholy and so were their composers.

You put yourself down as not good looking, but in addition to all your other talents -- medicine, writing, compassion -- you have the gift of giving music.

My gaydar is pretty good, but wish I had some musicdar.


Mike said...

At least you have a good friend like Leslie you can talk to about these sorts of things! She seems pretty cool and open... invaluable.

I'd stay with the med school thing. Teaching may be great, but the pay sucks as you probably know. You'll probably be making more $$$ in a few years!

Oh, and I have Rachmaninoff on my iPod...

R. Burnett Baker said...


I wonder if any of us are really comfortable with ourselves. I suppose the pretty boy muscle puppies are. You know...the magazine types.

But I'm at that stage in life where I'm 25 in my mind and way something else chronologically. Oh well....

You have so much to live for and look forward to. We can all see that through your writings.

Stop being hard on yourself!!


Jeremy said...

Don't worry, I seem to lack gaydar too.

Good luck with your online guy :D


JGiefer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
j said...

i think it's really cool you found someone to talk to like that. it took me a long, long time before i could.

biki pretty much hit it spot on; i think you're pretty amazing, funny, and one of the most intelligent bloggers i've come across. and you never know what's going to happen tomorrow, so keep your head up.

Aek said...

Biki: Thanks for the nice words, but you haven't actually seen me. ;-)

Ron: Sounds like your gaydar sucks as bad as mine, lol. *Sighs*

Dave83201: I'll accept a hug from you any day! ^_^

Just: I don't know, but I guess I've just always been hard on myself. :-/

James: Says you. :-P

Uncutplus: Lol, thanks? I look good on paper? o_O

Mike: Hahaha, I wasn't being serious with the whole "drop out of med school" thing. That's just something we say to keep ourselves sane. :-)

R. Burnett Baker: Easier said than done, to your last statement.

Jeremy: Thanks. :-)

j: Thanks for your kind words. Alas, I'm not meeting him until next weekend (if all goes well).