Nearly Overwhelmed

I want fall semester to start again, now. I'm getting a little antsy, haha. I always love the beginning of fall semester with the start of football season and classes and all. And fall is such a beautiful season anyhow. I'm really going to miss this as my last undergraduate fall semester, I can't believe it's my fourth and last year.

Anyway, I also miss cooking, which might seem weird. At least when I cook, I can actively choose to vary what I end up cooking depending on what I have to work with. At home it's the same things over and over again, there's little variation. Furthermore there's not really any alcohol in my house, none that I'm allowed to drink in any case. And I also don't want to wait until everyone's asleep or gone for me to post on this blog and such. I like my privacy (and even though I have a roommate back at college, he's pretty oblivious, especially with headphones on). And lastly, at home I've next to no social life. What little social life I have is almost exclusively via AIM, as most of my friends aren't from my hometown (and the few that are, aren't home for most of the summer).

So at the moment I'm becoming nearly overwhelmed with so many things. I have 18 applications that I must fill out ASAP, as this'll determine what I do after undergrad. At least 3 of them are already sent out, so I'm off to a start. But there are so many essays, alas. And at work I'm working not only for my boss, but also for a boss in another department. So I'm almost split two ways and they're all giving me so much to do. For a while I didn't mind it so much, because of the "reward" in the end, which is to get published. But now I'm not too sure I can handle it all in a timely manner. Of course I can get everything done, eventually, but that's eventually - not today, not tomorrow, nor maybe even the day after, but sometime. And I've only 2.5 more weeks left at work, so I guess I must speed things up.

And a note to self, I need to sleep earlier.

Mask of Anonymity

I hate being at home (for long periods of time, like the entire summer). I mean, it's pretty good not having to cook for yourself or pay for pretty much anything, but then I have to put up with the parental nagging and my two brothers who never seem to leave me alone. I actually kind of miss cooking for myself; I like cooking. I really want fall semester to start again, to think it's my last fall semester of my undergrad.

Anyway, this post I wear the Mask of Anonymity. Sometimes I tend to be cryptic, haha. Keeps people guessing. The irony of anonymity isn't lost on me. Because no one who reads this knows me in real life (I hope, so far), so I'm completely anonymous, I'm able to talk about some of my deepest aspects without worrying about personal consequences. Even my name on this blog, "Aek," is just a combination of the first letters of my name and my brothers' first names. After some thought, I've decided that Aek is pronounced "eek." So, what about me?

Well, I suppose the best "term" to describe me is an oscillating hybrid (I'm such a dork). I'm a 21-year-old Asian-American born and raised in the Midwestern US, soon to be in my last year of undergrad. I'm bilingual and only somewhat recently have come to truly, and I mean truly, appreciate that. And I took 4 semesters of Spanish at my university, so I guess I can speak 2.5 languages. So I'm always bouncing back and forth between a couple languages.

Sometimes I think I have too many interests and not enough time. I like to draw, I like musical instruments, and many other things besides. All in all, I often wish there were more hours in the day. There's a part of me that's the dreamer - the optimist and the creative artist. And there's a part of me that's the realist - the pragmatist who emphasizes logic and practicality. Sometimes these two halves are at odds and that can sometimes be interesting I suppose. I'm also usually very organized to an almost obsessive-compulsive degree, but not so much in the last few years (college changes a guy).

And all that just leading up to my deepest secret (at least, it feels that way). For so many years I've been uncomfortable with my sexuality, and I've kept it at "arm's length" and pretty much ignored it as I concentrated on other things. I'm not really sure how I was able to achieve that, but I did. Only in the last several months did I feel comfortable enough to admit what I think my sexuality is to myself. I'm bisexual, with a tendency more towards guys I think. I've never had any kind of romantic/sexual relations with anyone and never even kissed/been kissed, so in a way it's hard to tell for sure (and this is somewhat sad too). I'm not "out" and have never really kept it a secret (which isn't hard when one's sex life is next to non-existent), but no one has ever bothered to ask/question me about it, so I left it at that. Some people might think that bisexuality doesn't exist, and that it's a "halfway" on the path to realizing one's homosexuality, but I don't buy that. In any case, that discussion is for a later post.

So for many years I've felt like there's two sides of me. One side for each language, one side for creativity or practicality, and almost one side for each part of my bisexuality. I must say, it's been cool and fun sometimes, but much of the time it just keeps me frozen in my tracks. So here's where I am, almost at an intersection in life, stuck to the spot and wondering where to go. I think it's about time I figure out where I'm headed.

About This Blog

I never thought I would start a blog, much less a blog like this. Why write something so public, and for an audience that may not even exist? For anyone reading, I suppose this post is to explain why I decided to start a blog and the meaning behind the title, "The Masks We Wear."

In the last couple months I had somehow come across several blogs that resonated with a part of me. I think the first was Debriefing the Boys and since then have found others (see "Blogs I Can Relate To"). And while I don't think I can relate 100% to any of the bloggers, they have allowed that one part of me to live vicariously through their blogs for these past couple months (you'll see what I mean in later posts, if not already). From reading these other blogs it seemed that blogging was a good way to vent and sort things out, both internally and externally. And I think I need some of that right now.

And now the title. Why "The Masks We Wear"? I have come to believe that throughout life everyone wears dozens, if not hundreds, of different "masks." These masks can either allow us to express ourselves or hide something we don't want others to know, masks that can be potentially liberating or limiting. We wear these masks depending on the situation and the role we take; we wear masks for interacting with siblings, with parents, when in class, or when going out with friends. It's time to share some of the many masks I wear, and take off a few to reveal the face behind them that I haven't yet allowed anyone to see.

So It Begins . . .

I've always liked beginnings and then seeing how they develop towards their ends. For me, the beginning is marked with a sense of exploration and discovery, the start of a journey. I'm often not offended if the ending is spoiled, as long as I don't miss the beginning and can experience the development.

I don't know where this blog will go and how it'll develop; all I know is that this is the beginning. It'll probably end up being part commentary, part philosophical musing, part internal reflection, and part life. Whatever the road may be, if you're reading this then you're welcome to join me. So let it begin.

~Aek