Happy Single's Awareness Day

Singles Awareness Day by Ayame-Kenoshi on DeviantArt

Wow, it's been about a month and a half since I last posted!  I suppose a few things have happened in the interim . . .

So I guess the focus of this post will center on this guy.  I'll call him Pikachu because he likes Pokemon.  So I met Pikachu back at the end of December 2014.  We had chatted on/off for months on a dating/hook-up app (no, it's not Grindr) but since we lived about 3 hours away from each other, we never had the opportunity to meet until December.

Since then, we've been texting each other almost every day.  More recently over the past 2 weeks, we've been Skyping about every other day; sometimes it's only for 10-15 minutes but other times it's been over an hour.  I've got a vacation planned for the end of this month, and we're planning on spending 2-3 days together on a mini trip/hike of the Big Sur area.

I think I'm beginning to really like him.  It's been quite a while since I've thought that way about anyone.  I've chatted with both guys and girls on/off via online dating sites/apps for the past 2 years.  A few of them (mostly girls) have made it past that to texting.  But then it fizzles out when my schedule becomes busy.  They don't initiate conversation and I can't sustain it one-sided.  But with Pikachu, he texts me in the morning to say "Hi" or "Good morning."  Simple as that.  But it keeps things going.

I was feeling the Single's Awareness Day tonight, and I texted him if he wanted to Skype.  At some point during our conversation it came up that I was bi.  Although I'm like 95% sure I had mentioned that fact to him when we first messaged on the dating app, he must've forgotten.  But his reaction was predictable, understandable, and . . . unfortunate.  He was taken aback a bit and seemed unsure for a moment.  He explained that he didn't mean it but stated that "biphobia" does exist in the gay community.  He had dated a bi guy within the past several months and it didn't go well (it didn't get very far either).

This brought up all sorts of insecurities for me.  I wasn't expecting that.  I thought I had moved past that.  I guess not.  On a spectrum of 0 to 10, with 0 being 100% straight and 10 being 100% gay, I place myself somewhere between 7 and 8.  In general, I'm more physically/sexually attracted to guys (girls have a narrower range), but I'm more emotionally/intellectually attracted to girls.  Pikachu is the first guy in a long time - possibly ever - who I've felt a romanto-emotional connection to.  And a part of me feels just broken after his reaction to me clarifying that I'm bi.  And honestly, I'm not even sure how well that label applies to me anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate these feelings.  No, that's not accurate - I don't know how to navigate these feelings.  It's easy for me to just box it up and store it away, but that's not what I should do.  It's easy for me to tell myself the same advice I offer my patients, but it doesn't feel easy to follow.  It could be just me, but I feel like the fact/label of being bi has changed the relationship dynamics in ways that can't be undone.

Sigh.  :-/

The Truth Is . . .

medicine by bloodred on deviantART

I attended the pediatric rheumatology conference earlier this month.  It was like a mini-vacation and I learned so much!  My mind was blown at how much there was out there (and how little I knew).  I ran into a resident who's doing her residency back where we did med school, so that was a pleasant surprise.

I just finished my clinic month, which was mostly urgent care.  It was useful and my Spanish got exponentially better (because I refused to use the translator phones after a while, and like 2/3 of the parents speak Spanish-only).  But it was really bread-and-butter and much of it didn't require much "thinking."  I hate to say it, but an NP or PA could easily do what I did this month without much difficulty.  It doesn't surprise me that NPs are trying to expand their "power" and scope of practice.

But the most brutal truth is: if I could go back in time, I would NOT do med school and residency.  This is not worth it.  As much as I love my patients, as adorable as my toddlers are, as amusing as my teens are; the hours, the hospital politics, the paperwork (oh god the paperwork!) is not worth it.  I daydream of what I've given up to become a doctor.  It's not a career I'd recommend anyone pursuing.  And that's the most brutal truth.  Perhaps I'll elaborate on this more later.

I came across the following coming out video and the way the person spoke, the honesty and anxiety in his voice, really resonated with me.

Apologies that this post is all over the place.  I'm on call tomorrow (again, yay) and have to do yet another 13-hour shift.  At least I'm on with good residents who I admire and respect.  The day should hopefully not be too painful.

Dating: A Hesitant Proposition

Dating: a hesitant proposition.

That's what it seems to be with me.  I've had 2 friends hint as much recently, though they didn't explicitly say so.  I'm the kind of person who, when using dating sites, like to get a decent conversation going before meeting up (or giving out my number).  Perhaps I'm too cautious, or slow, or conservative or something.  Not entirely sure.  Here's a brief history of things:

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Tristan: Half-Asian/half-Mexican guy.  Pretty cute guy, chatted for a while on the app Jack'd.  Finally met in person at a free outdoor play in a nearby park.  He was rather late, the play was like half over.  Afterwards we went to my apartment to watch a movie.  He loved to kiss and we ended up fooling around . . .  We continued to text for a bit afterwards, but then we both got busy and lost contact.  He recently "resurfaced" on Jack'd after having ended a long-distance relationship (some time after we had met), but hasn't been very responsive of late.  Dead end.

Jack: Asian guy.  He kind of annoyed me, was more sexual in his texts than I wanted.  He was very late when we arranged to meet (like, 2-3 hours late).  I was furious as it totally upended my plans that weekend.  I was internally still mad the whole time we hung out.  And he smoked, that's an instant turn-off to me.  We continued to text intermittently for a while, then stopped.  Dead end.

Dan: White guy.  Rather interesting, as he's like 9 years older than me, and he actually approached me on that app.  Intelligent, sweet, but ADHD (which he legit has as a diagnosis, lol).  Met him at a time when I wasn't really looking for a relationship (other than friends), as I was on a string of super busy rotations.  He was always 15-30 min late (seems like a pattern . . .).  He got into his head that we'd be somewhat friends with benefits, but he took the FWB further than I expected, lol.  He gave great head . . . like, teeth-chatteringly good.  We continued to chat over wine when he's in town.  He's interviewing all over the place and travels a lot, so it's hard to predict where he'll be.  Dead end (of sorts, given the unpredictability of his schedule).

Dean: White guy.  Short (and I'm by no means tall) but really cute.  Is a chef.  Chatted with him via the app, then text and finally had time to meet in person (he has an equally hectic schedule as I do).  Met at a cafe, this time I was about 5 min late because I couldn't find the damn place!  We ended up talking for like 5 hours.  It was really good to connect with something like that.  Alas he smokes, but he's been trying to quit; I guess that helps . . .  Anyway, he seems open to meeting again.  Door cracked open?

Vivi: Asian girl.  Cute, funny, smart.  Is a pharmacist.  Recently got a puppy.  Met at the same cafe as Dean.  I liked how laid-back and funny she was.  We had good conversation until the cafe closed, and then continued for a little while before she had to go home to attend to her puppy.  Probably the best prospect, though her schedule is weird (but at least it's fairly predictable).

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I'm honestly not entirely sure how I feel about any of the people above.  The last 2 people have piqued my interest, but I don't know.  There are people I've met in the past who, in retrospect, consumed a large proportion of my attention (one of whom, as I have blogged about recently, abruptly decided to cease all contact with me).  There are people from my past who I still, from time to time, pine over.

Sigh.  I don't know what I'm looking for.  Yet I feel like time is running out.  This wasn't part of the "plan," lol.  I envy the people who "fall in love at first sight."  I mean, what even IS that?  Maybe my personality is just too guarded.  I need to let things go.  Which reminds me, watch this:

First Time

The First Time by ~ChadtheFab on deviantART

Welp, no longer a virgin anymore I suppose.  It was meh.  But perhaps I should backtrack.

Yesterday, a (gay) friend visited me who I haven't seen in almost a year.  I've known him for probably 4-5 years or so.  He's in the process of moving out of his town to literally halfway across the globe, so I insisted that he visit me before he left the country.  We had also flirted/bantered online back and forth about all this (sex), so none of it is any surprise.

So anyway, long story short, we had brunch, we hung out a bit, we went back to my apartment where I eventually coaxed him.  We wanked each other a bit before I ask if he was up for "something more."  I handed him a condom and lube and asked what he wanted to do - he would top, and I would bottom.

He asked, "Don't you want your first time to be special?"

To which I replied, "Meh, I'm over special.  Plus this is special in its own way."  I've been holding off and waiting for so long, I don't really care anymore.  I'd much rather it be him than some one night stand whose sexual history I know nothing about and will never see/talk to again.

So he put on the condom and lubed up . . . it wasn't enough lube.  It hurt when he tried and I told him to stop.  He applied some more lube and then slowly entered.  It was alright.  He's about 7 inches and somewhat thick.  He slowly ramped the speed of his pounding - I didn't like that too much.  He never hit the good spots (aka, the prostate) for very long back he was going faster; it felt much better when he slowed down.  Eventually I actually kinda got bored and told him to stop, and we'd just wank each other to finish.

He then did this thing to me that he discovered accidentally a while back with some other (uncut) guys.  He just rubbed the bare head with his lubed hand and I was soooo sensitive - he had me squirming and twitching.  It felt tortuously good, but it wasn't the kind of good that gets me to orgasm.  At one point I'm pretty sure I shot out pre-cum, as I felt a spray of something up to my chest and shoulder; it definitely wasn't cum.

After he finished me off, I returned the favor.  I basically tried the same thing he did, but he wasn't anywhere as sensitive (he's cut).  However, when he came and squirted all over he chest - if he hadn't sat up slightly he would've probably shot over his head - I continued to rub his penis.  He suddenly got that post-orgasm sensitivity and I thought I'd repay him for basically doing what he did to me, lol.  He actually grabbed my hand to stop me - too bad he grabbed the wrong hand, muahaha.

So there you have it, my first time.  It was meh.  I suppose it's something to get used to, an "acquired taste" if you will?  Hmm . . . I imagine first-time sex with a woman may be more enjoyable, haha.

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My time with the last guy (post here) was way more enjoyable.  I think it was because of all the kissing and cuddling, it just felt way more affectionate.  Oh well, experiences.

To Hold and Be Held

Held so tightly by ~TopScoff on deviantART

I had been debating whether to post this or not, but I've decided that I want to remember the event as vividly as I can.  The following will get graphic, so if your sensibilities are easily offended, please skip this post.  I assure you, I will blog again soon.

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I met him online months ago, in a forum not unlike this one.  We messaged for a while before we added each other's IM.  I had half-jokingly agreed that if I got an interview in his area, he must visit me and I'd take him on a date.  Sometimes the stars do align, if only briefly.

Several weeks ago I went to an interview near him.  When I arrived at the train station, he was sitting there waiting for me in a black hoodie and jeans.  He was thinner and slightly shorter than me with dark brown hair, mesmerizing grey eyes, and a short goatee.  We first stopped by my hotel to drop my things off then went to a nearby Thai restaurant for lunch - his first time having Thai food.  Afterwards we went to a local natural history museum; I totally geeked out and I think he was amused by it all, haha.  It was a tiny museum and so we decided to stop for coffee on our way back to my hotel.  We chatted for a while over our coffee - him a mocha, me a chai latte.

There were still several hours before my pre-interview evening event, so we headed back to my hotel to see if there was any good movies on.  As he flipped through the channels, I positioned myself behind him to give him a back massage.  He had been so stressed lately and there were so many knots in his back - there were knots in places I didn't know a muscle could knot!  I began on his shoulders and kneading his upper back, working the knots out.  As I moved down, I found knots between his ribs and in his lower back.  At this point he laid on his stomach so I could get better access to his lower back.  I got a bit daring and went further, massaging his butt and upper thighs - wouldn't you have known, he had knots there too (somehow)!

I gave him a thorough massage for a good 30 minutes or more before he sat up.  He leaned back into me until we were both lying on our backs on the bed.  He turned towards me and wrapped his arms and legs around me like a koala to a tree, and laid his head in the crook of my neck.  I rested my head on his, smelling his hair.  To hold and be held like this, to cuddle, was such indescribable pleasure and relaxation.  As he cuddled I stroked his back and arms with my arm that was wrapped around him.  This guy really loved cuddling.  It's on par with a little kid/toddler in the amount and quality of physical affection, and it was awesome to hold and be held like that.

With my other arm, I stroked his chest, his stomach - first over his shirt then under.  Then I moved my hands down to his hip and around under his boxer-briefs to grab his fuzzy butt a few times.  He didn't object.  To test the limits of this, I moved my hands around to the front until I felt the head of his cock, already hard and completely wet with precum.  I massaged it a bit with my fingertips until he rotated himself till he was on top of me.  He undid his belt and unzipped his jeans, the tip of his cock peeking above his underwear.

He leaned in for a kiss.  It was awkward at first on my end, as it has been a really long time since I had kissed anyone.  As we kissed I had my hands on his cock, giving it a few strokes.  He then took off his shirt, pants, and underwear, revealing his entire cock for the first time.  It was one of the most beautiful uncut cocks I had ever seen - he was so hard that his foreskin had pulled back entirely.  He claimed it was about 6.5" but it looked closer to 7" and was quite thick.  He leaned in to kiss again before reaching into my pants to find my cock hard and wet with precum (I don't usually precum much, unless I'm very aroused - which I was).  He undid my belt, pulled off my pants, gave my cock a few strokes, pulled back my foreskin and put my cock in his mouth.

He knew what he was doing, sucking and licking my foreskin in such an oh-so-exciting way.  He stroked me a bit before I had him lie back to return the favor.  I gave his cock a good squeeze and saw a large drop of precum bead at the tip.  I pulled his foreskin over and licked the tip in circles before pulling it back and tried to suck as much of his cock as I could.  I put my tongue between his foreskin and the head and licked in circles, causing him to moan a little.

At some point he was above me and we tried to 69 . . . it was hilariously awkward because we couldn't quite coordinate ourselves.  We mostly ended up sucking and playing with each other's balls and asses for a bit.  He had me stop a couple times because he was close to cumming, so I paused while he kept going on me.  I would've given myself completely over to him had he a condom on him.

Maybe an hour later I was close to cumming.  It's weird being on the edge of cumming but not quite being able to because someone else is in control and they switch it up between oral and different strokes just as you're about to go over the edge.  It had been a week since I had gotten off (not much time what with the constant traveling, dining, and interviewing) and I was soooo sensitive.  When I started to cum, it came out like a flood - it gushed with each spasm but in between it felt like cum was still pouring out.  One of the best orgasms I've had.

He had laid himself across me in such a way that my cum splattered his chest.  It was my turn to return the favor.  Soon he was moaning and riding the same edge that I had just been - almost there but not quite.  Finally I got him over and his cum sprayed all over.  I teased his cock head a bit - knowing it'd get super sensitive post-orgasm - until he told me to stop.  We cuddled for a little bit in the afterglow before quickly deciding that we should shower and clean up, haha.

He decided to spend the night with me after my dinner with the residents rather than drive back home.  We cuddled in bed for a while as we chatted and got sleepy.  We crawled under the sheets and he wrapped himself around me.  It felt nice, but . . . I failed to realize how warm another human body could be.  So I kind of overheated haha, and the AC/heater unit thing was making such a racket all night that I barely got any good sleep.  That said, I tried to cuddle every chance I could get without overheating (it's surprisingly awkward to sleep next to someone if you don't position yourself just so).

Redefining the Republicans?

As we all know, President Obama won re-election and Democrats solidified their majority in the Senate, with the House of Representatives still Republican dominant.  And as much as I dislike politics, I couldn't help but read some post-election commentaries, such as this, "Christian Right Fails to Sway Voters on Issues."

The current Republican party is so far to their end of the extreme it's no wonder that they failed to win the election.  This got me thinking.  What is meant by "conservative" and what is meant by "traditional?"  These in and of themselves aren't sinister terms that should be tabooed.  Indeed, many people may consider themselves conservative or traditional but still be alienated by the current gestalt of the Republicans.

Economics

I've read that Republicans tend to favor market forces and believe in individual responsibility.  These are things that many people can rally behind.  They are less in favor of government hand-outs and give-me's, and as such are likely to be more restrictive on social safety nets for the poor or disenfranchised.  Still people can rally behind that notion when they believe they shouldn't "rely" on the government to pull themselves up or have seen others abuse the system.

Taxes
Republicans generally are in favor of less taxes on (preferably) everyone, but the current Republicans want tax cuts for the wealthy to a fault. Wealth is really a matter of perspective.  How much does one need to live comfortably?  How much does one need to enjoy life?  Yes, money is hard-earned, but taxes exist for a reason and without them, many things in society would simply cease to function.

Health Care
Republicans are united against "Obamacare."  Fine, I get that.  It's not a perfect bill.  But if you're going to attempt to repeal it, you better have a viable alternative ready to go as soon as it's gone, because the status quo isn't benefiting anyone.  Is health care a right?  Is it a basic right?  A civil right?  Is it a privilege?  Is access to health care a right?  These are philosophical questions that our society must determine.

Abortion
Alright, Republicans are generally anti-abortion.  Fine.  But I take issue when they say they're "pro-life."  They are not pro-life.  If you're going to oppose abortion, you better set up a support system for the children and mothers whose lives are affected.  If you're going to oppose abortion, you must make it okay for a single mom without a high school degree to give birth.  This takes investment, time, infrastructure, and of course money.  If you're truly pro-life, you'd campaign to have all kids vaccinated.  You'd campaign to have every child be in programs such as Head Start and Birth to Three.  You'd campaign to help single parents find jobs or tax credits for education.  You'd campaign to offer prenatal care at Planned Parenthood, not cut its funding across the board.  This is truly pro-life.  But it all costs money, and where does that come from?  Taxes.

Family
Republicans are pro-family.  But really, aren't we all?  Their problem is that they haven't kept up with what a "family" can be these days.  Yes, a family may be the nuclear family of parents and children.  But it can also be an extended family, where one lives with aunts, uncles, and/or grandparents too.  It can be a single parent home.  It can be a gay or lesbian couple.  All studies suggest that it matters less what kind of structure the family consists of, and more the love and care provided by that family.

LGBT
Republicans are against LGBT rights at large, but particularly gay marriage.  It doesn't hold much water with me from a legal perspective.  There is a difference between a civil marriage and a religious marriage.  Churches and other places of worship may refuse to consecrate a gay marriage, but that doesn't mean that the state should refuse as well.  In America where we profess to be open, accepting, and tolerant of all religions - where we believe in separation of church and state - where is all that here?  The same arguments made against gay marriage is exactly the same arguments made against interracial marriage several decades ago.

Minorities
The Republican party has a dearth of minority representation, and it has so far made little to no attempt to attract minorities.  It's really a shame.  Many African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and Latino-Americans likely agree with the Republican's economic stances and their sentiments about family.  Yet the Republicans have managed to alienate all of these groups.  Immigration reform, if done well, would begin to sway some Asians and particularly Latinos to the Republicans.

Environment
Republicans should be truer to the word "conservative" when it comes to environment.  The US has one of the greatest natural resources on the planet, and while it's something that we should tap into, it's also something that we should protect and cherish.  Investment into alternative energy would definitely open up job opportunities and drive innovation.

Education
There's a distinctly anti-education sentiment in the Republican party these days.  I do believe everyone should have the opportunity to attend college/university if so inclined.  I do believe we should invest in recruiting more people to become teachers, and to hold schools accountable (to a degree, this a very complex topic sufficient for its own post).  Teachers and their unions shouldn't be made out to be the bad guys.  It's not easy being a teacher.  If the Republicans don't do something to advance education, the US will continue to slide further and further behind.

Anyway, this post is long enough.  The point I wanted to make is that the Republican party, at its core and true to its moderate members, is not a bad thing.  But they've drifted so far from where they should be that they've become hypocritical.  Perhaps this election has kicked their butts sufficiently to see that what they're doing isn't working and will never work.

And this is a nice article to end on, "The Great Experiment."

Re-examine

Re-examine by ~Meow2puchiko on deviantART

On Saturday I went to a friend's wedding.  It's the 6th wedding I've been to in the last 5 years.  It was a small, intimate, outdoor wedding of family and close friends.  Though the forecast threatened scattered thunderstorms, the weather couldn't have been more perfect.

I sat (as I usually do) next to friends I knew in undergrad - some of them married, many of us single.  My friend sitting next to me remarked, "Every time I come to a wedding, I feel like I have to re-examine the course of my life."  And I sympathize with him 100%.  It seems like friend after friend has been getting married, and where am I?  Where are the rest of us?  Even if it's not entirely true, it feels as though we're lagging behind in "life progress."  It's rather unsettling at times.  I'm so far from marriage that I can't even see it in the distant horizon.

At least my other friends (married couple) spoke the truth that as we get older, our dating pool only increases (formula: minimum age of dating partner = 1/2 your age + 7).
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The following day I met up with another friend (also married) on my way back from the wedding.  We chatted for a while on politics and catching up and all that.  He always relished my medical stories, especially the gory ones, haha.  His wife was a trooper too with my descriptions.

After a while when it was time for me to go, he gave me the location of his brother's grave, the same brother I had considered one of my closest (and longest) friends.  It felt strange driving to his grave.  I found it rather easily.

There I stood on the road, looking between two small stone walls along rows of graves.  The sun was bright, the sky blue, and the trees and grass green.  At the far end stood a statue of Martin Luther.  And there I saw his sign, a temporary placement for his headstone not yet finished.  Standing at the foot of his grave, I could see it was a recent-ish burial as the grass had not fully grown in the spot.  I had brought no gifts, no tokens.  I saw a single black feather and placed that under the sign.

And I began to say my last words.  It was weird, talking to no one but the breeze.  I wasn't even sure of what to say, my ramblings barely coherent even to myself.  And then I teared up as I admitted that I was bi, something I never got around to telling him while he was still alive.  The words choked, stuck in my throat as I said, "I know I never told you, but I thought you should know . . . I'm bi, probably more gay than straight but I'm working on figuring it out.  I know you would've been okay with it, you would've helped me figure it out in your own way, but there's no way to know now, eh?"

It was awkward, but what does that say?  What does that mean?  That even now, even talking to no one but the air, those words would be so damn hard to say?  I suppose I really haven't changed too much since the beginning of this blog.  I don't see an endpoint.

Having too much time makes idle thoughts wander, too much time to re-examine and yet still do nothing.

Oddly Chaotic

M4 year has been oddly chaotic.  Where to even begin?

1.  I finished my peds sub-I last month.  The last week and a half were awesome and really renewed my desire to pursue peds.  While on night float it was just me, a senior resident, the nurses, and the attending physician that I rarely saw or talked to.  I liked the smaller team structure and I enjoyed interacting more closely with the nurses and got the opportunity to know all the patients on the service a bit better.  I also became really efficient literally overnight and that efficiency carried over when I returned to the day shift.  Unfortunately I'm still worried that my comparatively poor performance the first 3 weeks caused irreparable damage to my grade and comments, which could pose an issue later when I interview for residency programs.

2.  I'm taking USMLE Step 2 CK at the end of this month.  I'm so not ready!!  I keep hearing that most people do better on Step 2 CK than on Step 1, and I desperately hope that's true because I didn't do nearly as well on Step 1 as I had expected.  :-/  Must study study study!!!

3.  I'm working on my ERAS application to pediatric residency programs.  I'm partway through but I honestly expected to be mostly done by now.  I just haven't had the energy to dedicate sufficient time towards it.  There's so many little things to do and complete!  And I have to really do some introspection into what kinds of programs are a good fit for me.  Ugh.

4.  I have to touch base with all my writers for letters of recommendation.  In addition I need a letter from the Chair of Pediatrics.  Fortunately, in an oddly deus ex machina fashion, that bit worked out far better than I could've dreamed.  So now I'm just waiting for one letter writer to get back to me as to when he can meet with me to finalize things.

5.  I went out on a date with this guy a couple weeks back (he considered it a date, I thought we were just hanging out having brunch - clearly I suck at such things).  He's about my age, is a good conversationalist, is witty.  We've been flirting a little bit back and forth via the app we first chatted on (he has limited texts, so I avoid texting him too much).  Hopefully there may be more?

6.  Last month I visited a friend in a city about an hour west of me.  It was a lot of fun.  I also ended up (unintentionally?) jacking him off . . . while his boyfriend was out of town.  Oops.

So yeah.  Oddly chaotic beginning to what's supposed to be the best year of medical school.  But these first few months are death.

Return from Unexpected Hiatus

Wow, hard to believe it's been a month since I last posted anything here! Also kind of hard to believe that I haven't been blogging about all the things I've seen and done the last 3 months (and there's oh so much to tell). Didn't mean to not post . . . oops.

Days have become long again, now that I'm on ob/gyn. It's an abomination to wake up and be at the hospital before dawn. Thankfully, the break of dawn is slowly creeping earlier and earlier in the day such that by the time I get to the hospital, the cracks of daylight begin to alight the horizon.

But before I get back into my day to day, week to week, month to month recount, there are 2 things I came across on Facebook recently.

On Being Gay in Medicine: A Leading Harvard Pediatrician's Story
This is an amazingly written (albeit long) article. The author recalls how when he was in med school, you had to stay closeted otherwise your career can be ruined at a whim. It's almost weird reading about that and about how much things have changed. Things are getting better, but there's always some room for improvement. I think this article resonated with many people, gay/bi/straight/otherwise.

It Gets Better at Brigham Young University

This is a really touching YouTube vid I saw posted. Very well done (albeit long-ish) and very moving. It's not secret that BYU is among the least LGBT-friendly campuses in the nation, but it's reassuring to know that even there things are changing for the better. Definitely worth watching the whole thing.

Answers!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thoughts?

So I read from time to time, as I'm wont to do. Today I came across this article:

No surprise for bisexual men: report indicates they exist

Lol, the title amused me. Of course bisexual men (and women) exist! The only way the title could've been better is if it had the words "Well, duh" somewhere in it. Some may be offended that it took a study like this to "prove" or "validate" our existence, but I'm rather amused. The study does have some limits, as all studies do. It basically assess those who're "perfectly" bisexual rather than people who self-identify as bisexual but may have a skewed attraction towards either men or women.

Thoughts?

Circumcise or don't? Quandary for parents
Fairly balanced article for something that inherently has a lot of bias. A fellow med student friend (at another med school) and I briefly discussed the article/topic. He's of a neutral opinion and would follow whatever medical recommendation would be at the time of his future son's birth (assuming he'll have a son). My opinion is basically the same as any other surgical procedure - if it isn't medically necessary right now or in the near future, then don't do it. 99% of the time, circumcision is not medically warranted (that is, there's something so wrong with the foreskin that circumcision is the only option). I then asked him if, in the future, the medical recommendation is as "neutral" as it is now, then what'd he do? He said that he tends towards conservative treatment, and hence would likely leave his son uncircumcised unless there were some very clear benefits that outweigh the risks (there aren't, as of current medical literature).

Thoughts?

Why medicine actively and legally stifles innovation
This was a particularly interesting article. The author certainly utilized a unique health care delivery model. Definitely worth a read. I find the idea of such innovation to kind of operate outside "the system" refreshing. It's a funny thing - they tell us (the med students) to think about every possible diagnosis in the differential for a patient's disease. Then the physicians proceed to systematically dismantle almost every suggestion we come up with except the most likely/obvious ones. I can't say they're wrong in doing so because if you keep asking a med student for something "outside the box," you're going to eventually hear ridiculously rare diseases that very few people ever get and very few physicians ever see. I don't question their knowledge and clinical judgment over mine, because it's obvious that they know far more than I do (almost more than I can possibly imagine myself ever knowing!). What I do question is the system at large that seems to repeatedly fail patients and ends up producing jaded physicians. There must be some way to rectify the system and this article was one step in that direction.

Thoughts?

On the Wings of Progress

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? My apologies.

You see, my life is nothing if not busy (even if being busy means playing a video game when not studying . . .). Much has happened since I last posted here, too much to cram. Most important is that which ride on the wings of progress.

Right after my last exam, I had a meeting with the Dean of Student Diversity here. She's by far my favorite dean to work with. We discussed what changes need to be implemented to make the medical campus more LGBT friendly and promote diversity in general. Some key issues included: admissions, visible signs to show tolerance, improving the curriculum to better meet the needs of a diverse patient population, recruit more diverse standardized patients, and anything necessary for the new medical educations building (e.g. a unisex bathroom for transgender people). I left with a very positive feeling that things will change, that things will improve.

Later that week, I met with some students to write resolutions to be presented to the state medical society (the body that governs the practice of medicine within each state) that focused on LGBT. One resolution I helped write was to edit an existing resolution in order to include "sexual orientation" and "gender identity" in hospital non-discrimination policies across the state (because "gender" isn't the same as "sexual orientation" and "gender identity"). Another student wrote a resolution to promote anti-bullying programs in K-12 schools.

And now for a couple things I came across on Facebook earlier this week:

Gay Marine's husband surprised at respect shown by Naval Academy

Zach Wahls speaks about family

This is quite a moving and powerful speech he gives.

---TANGENT---
So I'm still doing the P90X program. I'm about halfway through the 4th week. I haven't seen (or felt) that many changes. I suppose my arms are a tad leaner, my legs a bit more muscular, I'm a bit more flexible, and you could perhaps see the shadow of abs underneath the flab. That's about where I'm at right now. I've found the "yoga" and the "ab ripper x" particularly difficult. Yoga because it's just so long (I haven't been able to complete it from start to finish yet)! And the ab exercises are just so difficult that I simply can't do the number of sets at the speed that they go at. :-/
---END TANGENT---

Lost in Conversations

Well, no comments on my last post. Whatever, no answers for you. :-P
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Anyway, a couple days ago I called my best friend from undergrad to wish him a belated birthday and to just catch up. We've both been quite busy, what with me in med school and him in grad school halfway across the country. Now I'm not normally the kind of person who likes chatting on the phone for hours, but we chatted for almost 2 hours!

I could chat with him for hours. I always appreciate his perspective on things and he's probably one of the like five people who I can let my guard down and be completely open with. And that's saying something. After being surrounded by med students day and night, constantly discussing and whining about classes, it's refreshing to talk to someone whose background is just so radically different (he's doing his PhD in political science). We talked about anything from arsenic-eating bacteria to parasite-carrying flies in Africa (to which he suggests a genocide of all the flies) to Liu Xiaobo to the idiocy of certain Midwest governors for refusing federal dollars for constructing an interstate high-speed rail system.

I also found out that his fiance doesn't have texting. People without texting unite! Lol.
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On another note, remember Online Guy 2 (Drew)? Well, we've been chatting here and there online for almost a year now. And I still haven't met him in person. :-/ He doesn't have a car and doesn't particularly care to travel halfway anywhere to meet up. Or should I say, didn't?

I had previously discounted a possible relationship with Drew for a variety of barriers. The least of which is the 30 minutes or so that separate us (rough estimate). But he had been having some very rocky months with his ex-boyfriend and almost every time I chatted with him he wasn't in a good place. Recently things have been looking up though since they broke up for good.

Last night we chatted online for a few hours. We first talked about our desire to travel and such. And then he wrote, "Maybe we should finally meet in person, get to know each other, and do something like that [camping]." Apparently he likes camping and I've never really gone. That sounds fun (though certainly not in these winter months here), and thankfully the only real thing I have to worry about is Lyme disease, lol.

So progress? Hmm, we'll see where this goes (if anywhere). It'd be nice if he'd want to meet up somewhere for a coffee date or something (except I can't remember if he said he liked coffee or not). Our conversation then became quite sexual, which it never had in the past. I guess we were both kinda horny. It was kind of fun making him even hornier online, hehe.

---TANGENT---
So I recently came across this:

It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore

He's really attractive and has a great voice. Though, he makes some rather over-exaggerated facial expressions when he sings, haha. He's also not afraid to bare it all either!

There are some parts of this song that's quite cheesy. However, I like the following refrain:

We will make it, we're stronger,
for all the pain they put us through.
Words won't hurt us, no longer,
our dreams will be what get us through.
And when it feels like your whole world is ending,
remember me and all the other ones saying,
"It gets better, believe me."

---END TANGENT---

Catharsis

Now that this round of exams is done, the "what I learned at the GLMA Conference" post, as promised.

I just talked to Dr. P about it earlier today and how to move forward with the info we (I) learned. I've basically grouped it into 3 categories: immediately useful/actionable info, good to know info, and personal.

1. Immediately useful/actionable info
Students. 29% of LGB students aren't out, mainly because it's: nobody's business (fair enough), fear of discrimination, and fears of not getting into a residency of choice. About 60% of transgender med students aren't out. Few med students feel that med school curriculum has adequately prepared them to serve LGBT patients. Students want more clinical exposure, more cases, lectures, and supportive faculty that they can turn to. On average, med schools in the US and Canada spend about 5 hours over 4 years on LGBT health issues (not including HIV).

Med schools. Deans of med schools have a different view on things. Most (68%) have LGBT content interspersed throughout the 4 years. It should be noted that 79% of med schools have no LGBT clerkship rotation sites. Transgender health issues are rarely taught. The good news is that 52% of deans are willing to improve curriculum; but, they aren't too keen on developing new stuff (because it's time-consuming and hard).

Allies. The barriers to being an effective ally must be addressed. This might be: a desire to avoid controversy, afraid to be called gay/associated, and not asked to speak up. Some strategies to help remedy this include: getting educated about the issues, talking about it, have some symbol of support (like, a small rainbow pin or something), learn the "language," ask the right questions, assume nothing, and discuss confidentiality upfront.

Some of things that can be done here right now include: working with the Office of Student Diversity, working with the Admissions Office, working with the new curriculum committee, safe spaces/ally training, and just continue general awareness. Incidentally, I somehow ended up on the student diversity committee. I just happened to attend the one meeting - a case of being at the right place at the right time I guess.

2. Good to know info
I didn't learn much about LGBT issues and health care reform, though I went to a couple sessions. I did attend a few transgender health sessions though, and they were actually really interesting.

Transgender kids. Toddlers start developing gender identity around age 3-4. This process evolves until the kid's about 7. This process appears intrinsic. That said, some kids are "just in a phase" or gender-fluid. Thus follow-up and just observation over the years are important. These kids tend to get distressed between age 2-5 and again at puberty. To treat these kids, one gives them hormone blockers to delay puberty until they're old enough to make a decision about transitioning or not. Apparently only about 10% of "gender variant" kids do end up transitioning. The point is, that up to 33% of transgender youths attempt suicide. But by showing acceptance, support, and delaying puberty until age 15 or so, it greatly reduces the rates of suicide and depression. Furthermore, the medical home concept is quite apropos for these kids.

Transgender care. Holy crap it's complicated! Someone's got to do it but I do NOT want to be among them. When to give hormones, how much to give, how to pay for them - it's all so overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I like endocrinology and all that, but this is like endocrinology on steroids (lol, pardon that pun).

Also, HPV can apparently survive under the fingernails for a while (apparently that's how straight guys can get anal cancer, who knew?). I need to remember to buy Purell . . . Don't know if on that random off chance I'll get HPV from shaking someone's hand.

3. Personal
So Dr. P asked me if the Conference did anything for me personally. I suppose it did. It was nice to just be away from the Midwest and meet new people and not talk about classes and such. Yeah, still surrounded by medicine and such, but at least it's not worrying for this exam or complaining about that lecturer or something comparatively petty like that. He did concede that in hindsight it was perhaps a bit too overwhelming for me to experience that all at once, lol.

But then it was also incredibly cathartic. I disclosed more about my personal life/struggle to him than I had anticipated or expected. I suppose I wanted some kind of answer from him, but I didn't get what I was looking for (whatever that was). There were moments of long silences - of him staring at me and me staring back, of him staring at me and me staring off in the distance to avoid his gaze. Words just abandoned me and the silence doesn't force him to say anything to break it.

It felt like the more he subtly pressed against my walls, the more I wanted to crumble. He didn't tell me anything new or anything I didn't already know about myself. Other than perhaps suggesting that going to a therapist might be good (though how I'd pay is questionable). In a way I guess he forced me to realize just how uncomfortable I still am with all of this and how lost I still feel.

This catharsis was paralyzing and deafening. I've clearly still got some work to do. It never ends. :-/

It Gets Better

I came across the It Gets Better Project yesterday. It was started by Dan Savage in the wake of the much-publicized recent LGBT youth suicides, and it basically collects video stories from people on YouTube telling LGBT teens that "it gets better."

Although I don't have a message to share, per se, there are a few I'd like to share (and I've quoted some of the lines they said that I could relate to). The first 2 are from the It Gets Better Project and the last one is a very emotional and moving vid.


"It gets better . . . well to be honest, I still have to believe that in myself. But I think it's gonna get better. And sometimes it feels like you're the absolute only person left in the world to care for yourself and even then you don't want to care for yourself. But, something you've gotta remember is that somebody out there needs you as much as you need somebody."


"I struggled a lot in high school with mostly myself, I suppose; I didn't have a lot of problem getting picked on, but I knew it wasn't acceptable or really smiled upon. So I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame and all that stuff that is very unpleasant and hard when you feel alone . . . and it's rough."

"My favorite memory is watching the sun rise on a mountaintop with this boy I was in love with and it was amazing, and if I didn't make it through high school I wouldn't've been able to do that. . . . Thank God that I'm human and able to experience this." Something about this bit really got to me.



So this post is for any of you readers out there who're having a difficult time. This is for you bloggers/ex-bloggers. This is for me. This is for us.

That Which Resonates

Earlier today, I organized a lunch panel discussion. Or rather, I emailed Dr. P months ago asking him if he'd be willing to give a lunch lecture on coming out. He said yes. Then he recruited one other physician to co-talk with him, and then about 2-3 weeks ago he decided to turn it into a panel.

Although I can't say with certainty why he decided to go the route he did, I suspect that he did it partly for me (and any others "like" me in the audience). There were 5 physicians and 1 bio-ethicist who was the moderator. The physicians included: 3 gays, 1 bi woman, and 1 lesbian. Many of the issues they talked about were in some way directed at me - whether they knew it or not.

They each gave their own personal coming out experiences in med school and beyond, if/when applicable. The one gay ED (emergency department) doc's story really resonated with me. He wasn't out in med school except to a few friends. He dated in med school but kept his private life separate from his professional/med school life. In residency he was out to a few more friends and co-residents, but still didn't make a huge thing of it. After residency he still didn't talk about it much, even though he had a partner, because it never really came up. Only when he was moving and told his boss why did he really come out. And since then he didn't look back.

The primary reasons why he didn't come out sooner was because: 1.) he wasn't fully comfortable with himself yet, 2.) it was no one's business, 3.) he had no pressing reason to, 4.) no one asked. It wasn't that the environment around him was anti-gay or not accepting, it was simply for those reasons listed.

And I think that's where I am with all this. It just hit me that that could be me. That that is me (minus dating and a partner). Some people know and do something about it. Others need more time. I think I've come a fair way since beginning this blog years ago. But I still have a ways to go. I won't pretend to say that I'm not scared, or that I don't know what to do, or how to do it, or what's next.

---TANGENT---
So, a cursory look at the blogs on the sidebar here seems to indicate that many of them are no longer active, as their authors haven't made a post in months. Where has everyone gone? I guess I may have to do some "cleaning up" with my blog roll. There are new blogs I came across and meant to start reading, but alas too busy. Also, I sometimes wonder if some are worth starting since they may end in the near future. Who knows.
---END TANGENT---

Secrets & Fears

So I'm back from the GLMA Conference. I feel better though not 100%. Perhaps 60-70%, which is still much better than most of last week. This post will serve 2 purposes: to answer A Wandering Pom's questions in his comment on my last post and to prep you all when I do talk about the GLMA Conference in my next post.
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1. Secrets & Fears
All you had to do is ask. Many of my secrets you all know pretty intimately. Many of my fears I've already shared here, as they're often related to the secrets.

That I'm bi/gay is no surprise here. But I don't know which (if either or somewhere in between) I am. I fear that, busy as I am, I won't get the opportunity to face that fear and answer it. And so I may be left to wander in confusion. I can't "attach" myself to a particular identity, or perhaps I won't allow myself to be.

That I've never had a romantic/sexual relationship also shouldn't be a surprise. Correspondingly I'm a virgin in every sense but oral sex. I fear that I'll always be alone in this regard - to never really know what it's like to cuddle/be cuddled, to kiss/be kissed, to feel someone else's body intimately (in a non-clinical way), to have sex.

I also fear that I may not be able to open up and let myself become vulnerable. I may not recognize love; I might not be able to truly loosen up and relax, not be able to completely trust someone. I fear that I can't let this go - can I ever let someone get that close? It goes against everything I've done in my life; there's always some defense, some wall, some checkpoint, some guard - usually with very good reasons. I'm afraid to even try, as every time before has been met by some barrier that I learn about the moment I get close enough.

I feel frozen, stuck in the routines of my life but not knowing which way to go, which direction to walk in. I feel life passing me by as I advance in a single straight line. I fear that perhaps 10 years from now, when I am a doctor, I'll look back and regret the things I didn't do . . . the things I wasn't able to do for any of the reasons above. I fear that perhaps I try so hard to validate something, to prove something to someone who isn't even there.

I want someone to pull me out of this and away from this.
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2. "Prep"
So, GLMA is a largely medical organization. As such, most of the people there were med students, residents, and physicians (there were some nurses, social workers, advocates, etc). And to understand the nuances of what I may say in my next post, one should perhaps understand the hierarchy of medicine.

Med students
M1 - first year med student
M2 - second year med student
M3 - third year med student, aka "junior med student" (JMS)
M4 - fourth year med student, aka "senior med student" (SMS)

Residents
PGY1 - first year resident, aka "intern"
PGY2 - second year resident
PGY3 - third year resident (and so on)

So after med school, one moves on to residency. Most residencies are 3-5 years. The first year of residency is the intern year. After residency, one may specialize in something like "infectious diseases." When one does their specialty training, they become a Fellow. Many/most fellowships usually last 3 years. Finally, after that one becomes an Attending (if one goes into academic medicine).

I should come up with some name or key for all the people I met at the Conference, but that'll have to wait till later. I'm heading to bed now.

I Knew You'd Ask

It's going to be a LONG week ahead for me. Thankfully, the second of several events between now and next Sunday has passed. The turn-out was rather good, considering it was the first time we put on this event. Anyway, it's over now. Phew! Next one tomorrow, then Monday (plus an exam on Monday), then Tuesday, then Wednesday, then GLMA Conference Thursday through Saturday. o_O

After the event tonight, Dr. P (who graciously volunteered) and I were chatting privately in the halls. And he asked: "So, are you gay?"

I had to laugh and said, "I knew you were going to ask that! You've always given me this look." Then I answered him something to the effect of that I'm bi but not quite sure. That took another moment to explain but I think he understood where I was coming from and was satisfied.

He's all excited about this Conference and I think he almost sees it (in some way) as a vacation of sorts that he's giving me. It's kind of amusing to hear a physician tell me to just enjoy it, have fun, and forget about coursework for a few days. Things will probably still linger in the back of my mind, but I will try my best. :-P

So yeah, I'm out to Dr. P now. Happy now?

Anyway, I'm freaking out less now. I think I've exhausted most of my "freaking out-ness."

Method to My Madness

I'd like to take a moment away from studying for my immunology exam (on Monday) to address the comments in my last 2 posts.

First, I Blame the Wine
Where to start. Understand that I've erected several mental walls throughout the years, often without realizing it until I find myself running and banging my head against them. It takes effort to break them and it takes time to reduce them to rubble. It's taken a number of years to get comfortable enough with public speaking, something I'm still not 100% comfortable with at all times. It's only in the last few years that I've found a way to put on a mask of sociability when in large social situations. And it's also only in the last few years that the thought of coming out even existed in my mind.

There are things that come easy to people, and there are things that don't. The above are all things that don't (or didn't) come easily to me. They required a significant amount of active energy. There's this sense of dread that washes over me - increased heartbeat (tachycardia, if you will), a shakiness, a rush of panic afterwards. It's uncomfortable and not a natural feeling. It's oddly similar to guilt.

Is there a good reason for this reaction? Probably not. The human mind is irrational about many things, no matter how we would condition ourselves. That I'll come out to Dr. P at some point is practically an inevitability. The question is simply when and under what situation.

Second, In This Regard, I'm Quite Lucky
Yes, I've been under overwhelming stress being the president/co-president of 2 student organizations and the co-chair of 2 student-run programs. Pardon me for caring. Pardon me for re-vamping a program with my co-chair to better serve uninsured patients (and med students) at a free clinic. Pardon me for wanting to promote health education/awareness in a community that's difficult for people outside the community to access. Pardon me for trying to organize a health fair in the inner city. I can do all this because, amongst the other presidents, I have a skill for systematizing how I organize things down to practically a protocol with a series of flexible deadlines.

I'm well aware that the USMLE Step 1 is paramount. I need no reminding. I refuse to freak out about it like many of my peers (many of whom are aiming for the more lucrative fields of medicine). Overwhelmed and stressed as I seem, I do have a plan. In fact, my plan is manifold. As they say, there's a method to my madness. You see, dear commenters, the vast majority of the events I'm heading occurs this semester. By January I'll only have 2-3 more events to organize/run. By April I'll have already transitioned my position to M1s. I'll have a pretty solid 2.5 months to focus on nothing but the Step 1 (well, not counting class exams).

So as my involvement in extracurriculars winds down as the months wear on, my effort towards studying for the Step 1 will be ramping up. Also, I've decided to participate in my school's Step 1 Review program with 2 of my friends; and that program will probably start in October or so. As you can see, I have things currently under control. And besides, I don't need a high score to place into a pediatrics residency. Though, of course I've no intention of settling for just passing.

I Blame the Wine

So, 2 days ago, we hosted an opening social for the LGBT group at a physician's house. Dr. P was there helping the physician set up and all. Kat and I arrived early to help out, though we didn't end up doing much. (Kat has been surprisingly upbeat these last couple weeks, I hope it stays that way.)

The turnout was actually really good, considering that pathology tutoring for M2s was the same night and the anatomy tutors moved the mock anatomy practical for M1s from Thursday to Tuesday this year (which sucked, since this meant that no M1s would be attending). Surprisingly, one M1 did make it! Our other faculty advisor came with her partner. I must say, they make a really attractive lesbian couple. o_O For a while, there were almost the same number of physicians as med students . . . awkward. But then more med students started filing in, which was good.

Halfway through the social, Kat wanted me to make an announcement to thank Dr. P and the physician whose house we were at. I drank some more wine. I'm no orator. I can be terribly awkward in such situations. I can be quite awkward in social situations, but I somehow managed to talk to almost everyone in attendance, which was no simple feat for me! Thankfully the wine helped. All 6-8 glasses of it (granted, the glasses were small-ish).

Also, I don't know if it's the wine or not (but I blame it anyway), but I had a mini-crush on Dr. P that night. o_O I mean, him + polo shirt + shorts = swoon (also, he's only in his mid- to late-30s). He has really nice arms and legs; well, he's just really nice overall. But, he has a partner, and it'd be a very bad idea to let this get any further considering our respective positions. Partway through the social, he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know this isn't politically correct, but are there any gay M1s or M2s?" I answered, "I honestly don't know because I didn't make it a policy to ask."

I must admit, it made me a tad uneasy. Every time he asks me a similar question, I feel like he's looking into me for answers or a confession or something. I've wanted to come out to him so badly, but I just can't seem to. How odd. I just want to chat with him about life and let myself vent and ask him for guidance, or something. But I don't think that's going to happen in the near future. What's holding me back?

When Kat and I left (we carpooled), we talked about Dr. P's whispered comment to me. There's a reason why there are so few openly LGBT students. If you come out, you are the gay student. You are the gay person that everyone looks to and you have to be the "model" gay med student. You become the reference. It's not a burden most would want to carry.
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Anyway, my thoughts feel very disjointed. I'm beyond overwhelmed with things right now. Something just doesn't seem quite right inside at the moment. :-/