Summer Starts Now

Summer starts now.

I'm home now for the summer. Not working this summer; I usually work in a lab for most of the summer, but not this year. I'm taking this summer right before med school easy. I still need to find an apartment and roommate for this next academic year in med school . . . but I think I'll wait until the orientation stuff is available online. Supposedly they'll have a means to contact other incoming med students as well as housing info.

My parents bought me tickets to China!! I'll be leaving May 31st and coming back June 27th. The tickets were "free" due to my dad's frequent flyer miles (I only have about half as many miles as he does, so I could've bought a "free" ticket one-way to China). I'll most likely be staying with a great-uncle and his side of the family while I'm there in Beijing. I don't know them at all, so this'll be interesting. Additionally, JW-M and RZ-F will both be in Beijing during my time there.

I plan to spend a few days with JW-M and a week or so with RZ-F. That leaves about 2 weeks for me to bond (or whatnot) with my family there. I'm so excited! And yet, apprehensive. Same reasons as last time I went - what if my Chinese isn't good enough? This time I'll have to really step up my game, as last time I went with a group of people from school and we had each other's backs. Plus, my Chinese last time was mostly limited to "translation duty," which is easier than maintaining a full conversation in Chinese at length. Also, this time I'll have to find and coordinate correspondences with my roommate-to-be in the fall at med school (so having the internet is a necessity - but this shouldn't be difficult to obtain).

Anyway, other than that, I've no solid idea of what I'll be doing in China. Any suggestions/ideas? I am, however, somewhat bound by who I'm with at any moment.

In other news, my last final grade has been released to my transcript. Stupid biostatistics course - I took your final 2 weeks ago and you JUST post the grades?! Sigh. Whatever, I got an A! This means I got straight A's this last semester in grad school. W00t! Totally 8.000'd that GPA (I think it's out of 9.000 . . . not sure). Pwn. :D

Alas, I somehow managed to gain 15 lbs in the last 3 weeks. Fuck. Time to start running, and eating not. Fail. :(

And Now, Exhaustion Sets In

Today was my last final exam - cancer epidemiology. Last night, in the span of about 5 hours, I had to learn about 11 cancers: hematopoietic (leukemia, lymphoma), bladder, liver, breast, endometrial, testicular, prostate, lung, colorectal, esophageal, and pancreatic.

Some random factoids:

1. Pancreatic, lung, and liver are perhaps the worst to get (of the ones in the list above). Such low survival rates. :(

2. Being Asian is protective against like all cancer except esophageal (potentially genetic, related to the reason why many Asians turn red when they drink) and liver (and really, for liver that's only because Southeast Asia has a high prevalence of Hepatitis B and C - gotta get them vaccines!).

3. Testicular cancer is really really weird. o_O Seriously, freaky.

And now, exhaustion sets in. Also, I'm more or less done with grad school here. Off to med school in late July/early August!! Still not sure if I'm going to complete my MPH, eventually.

---TANGENT---
I'd like to welcome back Zee at Where I Stand.

At the same time, I'd like to say a fond farewell to Matt at Brass Matt. I, for one, will miss reading your blog. :(

Lastly, does anyone know what happened to Fiction Writer's blog at Writing Fiction? It's gone now . . . not even a goodbye. :(
---END TANGENT---

Resolution: the Intercession

As I mentioned in my last post, I was put back onto my two research projects. All thanks to the intercession by EV-M on my half. :D

EV-M has repeatedly expressed how it's impossible for him to work on the RNA extraction project all by himself, and I've essentially worked on the Western blot project so long that really, only I know what's going on. As such, EV-M has repeatedly appealed to SG-M, the PI (aka, head lab boss), to allow me back on the projects - particularly the RNA extraction one. Anyway, long story short, I'm back!

Now I get to spend 5-6 hours a week extracting RNA from 10-14 samples (3 slides/sample). Oh what fun - at least I have something to do so I'm not wasting my time and theirs. With respect to the Western blot project, the "wet" transfer box doesn't work. Our dry transfer box also doesn't seem to work. EV-M has examined both apparatuses with me and reached the same conclusions as I had. Not surprisingly. So we're going to borrow a transfer box from the lab next to us.

And I'm sure none of that means anything to 99% of you out there reading this. However, I think I know why EV-M has been pushing so hard to have me back on to the RNA extraction project. His wife is due to give birth to their first baby in 4 days (well, 2 now). So he'll be in and out of commission at the lab for the next 2 months. Now, it really IS impossible for him to work on those projects and I'm the only one who can do it (because everyone else is busy, and I'm the only one who knows how to do Western blots).
-----
On a completely different note, I got back my first exam for biostatistics (it sounds just as boring and hard as you think). Everyone had been stressing and fearing the worst. The exam is out of 60 points, the mean is 47, and the lowest score is like 33. There is apparently huge variation in the distribution of the overall exam scores as well as the scores within each question. To me, this screams a poorly written exam.

Anyway, I went into that exam praying (like you have no idea) that I'd just be able to finish and pass the exam. I did finish the exam, but I had NO IDEA if I was right on anything but the first problem - there were only 4 problems.

Well, I got back my exam. I was freaking out. Then I saw my score. 54/60. HOLY CRAP!! I actually kind of shouted exactly that out loud in the basement, I'm sure people could hear me halfway on the other side. Everyone I had talked to, people who actually KNEW the material, got near the mean score. But somehow I did better?! I hope I can only pull this off for the next 2 exams. The next one's in 2 weeks. T.T

Okay, next few posts about China (with pics), I swear!!!

P.S. I still love GSI-ing. Teaching is so satisfying, especially when more students come to your sections than to other GSIs, hahaha. I must be doing something right, right?

---TANGENT---
So, for those who follow Landyn's Stuck In The Middle blog, he's having a crazy time there. Go over and if you have any useful advice, freely give it because he needs some right about now.

Thanks a bunch.
---END TANGENT---

Over 10,000 Views!!

Woah, some time in the near-past my blog received over 10,000 views!! I suppose this blog has been slowly plodding along for a while, not reaching epic popular hits like other blogs (you know who you are). But that's okay. Now, what to talk about? Oh! I think I have a topic. ;-)

Ultimate Edging
I'm fairly confident that anyone who comes across this blog knows what "edging" is (at least, if you're a guy). But, a couple years ago I accidentally discovered what might be the "final step" in the edging technique. Recently someone posted it here on a site I browse fairly often called Solo Touch.

So, in "normal" edging you would just masturbate until you feel like you're about to cum, then back off without any ejaculation or orgasm. You do this repeatedly until you're actually ready to cum (or just can't hold back anymore). It feels pretty amazing. Now, there's another "step" beyond this that makes it even better.

If you're really astute, you might notice - what I call - 3 phases before you actually cum. Phase 1 is where you feel like you're about to cum, but if you back off (usually) nothing comes out. Phase 2 is just before you cum, but if you back off sometimes (usually) some semen will leak or shoot out and your penis will throb and the muscles will contract, but you won't have full ejaculation or orgasm. Phase 3 is just full on cumming, where you ejaculate and have an orgasm and you lose your erection afterwards. Normal edging gets to phase 1 then backs off. In the link above and what I've accidentally discovered is that you can actually get to phase 2 and then back off, and then do this repeatedly until you finally cum all the way.

Here's how you do it. Masturbate and stroke, however you typically do it. When you get close to cumming (phase 1), slow down and stroke lightly. You'll then get to a point where you'll feel the semen kind of start working its way up your penis but before any contractions (phase 2). STOP at this point - let go and don't touch your penis at all!! The semen will ooze/shoot out, and there will be some throbbing and contractions. Don't "go with" the contractions, but just let it happen; it'll feel like a "mini-ejaculation." Wait several seconds (maybe 10-20 seconds) before resuming stroking, otherwise you'll just proceed to full ejaculation and orgasm.

If you do it right, your penis will actually get a little harder and more sensitive after each "round." Each round is like a mini-ejaculation and mini-orgasm. And you can use your semen as lube, which feels pretty damn good (if you use lube; if you don't, this is a good opportunity to try). Less semen comes out with each successive round, and you'll approach each successive round quicker and it'll be harder to hold back from going all the way. When you're ready to just let go, just finish yourself off. You may/may not ejaculate more semen.

This "ultimate edging" technique is very messy and takes quite a bit of practice to do more than like 2-3 rounds, but it feels soooo good once you have it down. My personal record is 6 rounds (where I define a round as having a mini-ejaculation). You'd be surprised how much cum you have stored up inside you. Even at the 6th and final round, I still shot some out. ;-)
-----
Mundane Matters
Okay, enough of that. Back to the "regular programming."

I probably won't be posting much until March. I have 2 exams next week, 2 papers due next Friday, and a group presentation that more or less has to be done by the end of next week. I've been freaking out over my biostatistics exam next Tuesday, as the professor originally made the exam in-class (at 8:30am), closed book, and no cheat-sheet. However, today he emailed us to let us know we could bring a cheat-sheet on a 8.5x11-inch sheet of paper. That's seriously a godsend. Now to jot down every formula under the sun onto that sheet of paper.

Spring Break is the week after next, and I'll be going to Tianjin and Beijing, China to observe and learn how the China CDC deals with measles, along with other students in the school of public health here. Measles isn't an issue in the US due to consistent vaccination programs, however, US measles cases have doubled recently (to about 188 or something like that). More parents now are choosing to not vaccinate their children (after the stupid and unfounded claim that the MMR vaccine is linked to autism), which is causing a ton of worry in the health professions.

Measles is HIGHLY contagious. It usually doesn't have very severe symptoms, but it can cause death. In China, I believe several thousand children die each year to measles. Measles was in the top 10 killer of children under 5 (ranking higher than HIV) worldwide in 2000. So while on an individual level it's generally not too bad, on a population level it can be quite lethal to a lot of kids.

---TANGENT---
Okay, there's something I wanted to jot down before I forget. So there are apparently things I say all the time and never noticed. Currently, they are as follows (as pointed out to me by my friends):

"Fair enough."

"In theory . . ." or "Theoretically . . ."

"Hypothetically . . ."

"Well, in my limited experience . . ." or "Well, with my limited knowledge . . ."

AG-F cites that everything above other than "Fair enough" is evidence of my deep science training and background. It's true. Scientists usually try to be very cautious in what they say, and so I've adopted the above caveats when talking about things that I may not know with complete certainty to be true or false (which happens to be most things).
---END TANGENT---

Trivialities

I'd say it's been the longest week ever (even though the week's not done yet, fuck), but that's almost certainly going to be superseded by an even longer-seeming week in my future. So a quick run-down:

Tuesday = longest. day. ever. The vast majority of this post is about Tuesday. I was basically busy from 8:30am until 8:30pm and didn't get back to my apartment until 11pm. T.T I had to teach my discussion during Obama's inauguration speech (I did watch it later, however) and was mildly surprised that maybe 1/3 of the class showed up. Bayes' Theorem is not an easy topic to teach. I spent over an hour last night typing up a notes file to distribute to my students, to walk them through how to use Bayes' Theorem step-by-step.

One of my students emailed me asking for the solution to one of the quiz questions he had to take before lecture on Tuesday. I saw this question and basically went, "Wtf." I enlisted the help of AG-F, my genetic counseling friend. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I really need to get myself a genetic counselor on retainer. She solved it because it was the EXACT same question that was given to her class - a grad-level class. Poor undergrad guy, no wonder he couldn't figure it out.

For one of my classes, we had to watch the documentary "In the Family" which is about BRCA1 mutations that greatly predispose women to breast cancer and ovarian cancer. It was a pretty intense film. I could totally sympathize with the one woman who said that getting her ovaries removed was akin to a guy getting his balls removed. Removing ovaries = instant menopause, not a pleasant thing. Mildly better than death from cancer.

As I was walking with AG-F back to her apartment (so she could give me a ride to mine), we got talking about abortion and how both pro-life and pro-choice are retardedly wrong in some respects. I won't get into it here, a later post perhaps.

I hate biostatistics. I cannot emphasize my extreme hatred for that subject. The professor talks in theory and then expects us to apply the theory to solve concrete problems. I don't know how to apply the derivations he writes. Plus his handwriting is horrible. Plus all I hear are meaningless variables all lecture and scratch my head at their meaning.

I haven't gone to the gym all week. The cold freezes my will to go to the gym. I've been feeling pretty lazy and unmotivated. This isn't good, because what follows unmotivation is exhaustion, then a twinge of sadness, then loneliness, then despair. Then oddly the cycle resets itself and I'm suddenly motivated, energetic, and ready to bring on the day. It's usually not as bad as it sounds.

I think I'm becoming borderline anorexic throughout the day (aka, for breakfast and lunch) because I simply don't have time to eat nor do I have the time (and backpack space) to pack a larger lunch. I also hate to eat out alone. I basically only eat out with friends because eating out alone is costly, relatively unhealthy, and kind of depressing. Dinner is my main meal of the day, which I know it shouldn't be if I wish to lose weight. Blah.

Anyway, BEST CONDOM COMMERCIAL EVER!!!

This Displeases Me

Argh, not the best week ever. I am displeased. The following displeases me:

• It's fucking cold here. Right now it says it's -7 F (-22 C) outside, and -23 F (-31 C) with windchill. It's not allowed to be this cold. I may need to start wearing shorts under my pants; in the interim, I'm happy for the advent of the boxer-briefs.
• I was given the wrong key to the room where my office hours are held. I had to go back to the key office (and trek across what feels like the tundra) and get the right key.
• The room where the genetics GSIs' office hours are held is really just a hole-in-the-wall closet in the old part of the Chemistry Building. Sigh, such a crappy room.
• I was woken by my roommate's alarm twice when it went off before 7:30am.
• I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since I started classes.
• Apparently, I've been getting what's called a myoclonic twitch when I go to sleep sometimes. Like, an arm or leg would suddenly jerk and it would feel like I was slipping and falling. Kind of bizarre . . .
  
• My body - I haven't made significant improvements in fitness or weight loss within the last year. Still working on it.
  
• I haven't gone to the gym much this week because the sole of my left foot hurts (sore), in particular the arch of my left foot. It's a bit better now.
  
• I have to take biostatistics. I hate that class SO much, you have no idea how much I hate that class.
• My roommate's friend, who I'll call annoying Korean girl (AKG). AKG is SO annoying - on Sunday, she banged on our door for like, 3 minutes while yelling out my roommate's name in the hall. My roommate was asleep and I let her in; she just went to his room and woke him up. o.O
  

Now, for things that please me:

• My friend JL-M will be in town tomorrow (today). I haven't seen him since graduation last May. We're going to grab lunch together.
• My friend RZ-F will be coming into town on Saturday. We plan to hang out, cook, and watch a movie with other friends.
• There is no lab meeting this week! I so hate going to lab meetings, they put me to sleep after the first hour (lab meetings are 90 minutes long).
• Few people show up at my office hours. Though, I'm glad I was able to help out the few who do.
• Regardless of how annoyed I get at my roommate, he's a pretty decent guy overall.

Well, this was a rather random post. Oh well. :P

I Think I Sold My Soul . . .

Behold my schedule for this semester!! (Please click for larger version if print is too small to read.)

I don't quite know how this happened and I don't know how I'm going to survive this semester. I'm SO glad I dropped Infectious Disease Epidemiology. How do I manage to do this to myself every semester?! Every semester I tell myself not to push myself too hard, to take things easy so I have time for "fun," but this happens invariably! This is why I don't date or do anything right now, haha (partly true).

As one can see, I have 4 "true" courses: Biostatistics; Virology & Molecular Lab; Genetics, Health Behavior & Health Education; and Cancer Epidemiology. My 5th course is research, so I also have 10-13 hours of research that I have to do.

And I'm a GSI (again, GSI = grad student instructor). I have 3 discussion sections to "teach," each of them are 1 hour long. But I failed to realize (until today) that GSIs have 4 hours of office hours. I'm not looking forward to office hours, because I've been told that undergrads will mob GSIs for answers and explanations, hoping to get any leaked info on exams and quizzes. Not cool. I think I just sold my soul to GSI-ing . . .

I brought up something interesting at the meeting earlier today where all 6 of us GSIs and the two professors for the course met. I asked about how much "freedom" each individual GSI had in teaching his/her own discussion sections. Apparently this has never been asked before - the GSIs and the 2 professors traditionally met once a week, planned, and detailed what was to be done in every single discussion section to maintain "equality" across all discussion sections. This meant that everyone had the exact same problems to do, exact same activities, etc. It sounds pretty rigidly structured, but the professor(s) seemed hesitant to quash my "enthusiasm to teach."

So clearly I singled myself out and now I've reached a mild dilemma. Should I push to have more freedom for each individual GSI to teach how he/she sees fit (the other GSIs seemed kind of opposed to this) within a semi-structured outline of the discussion? Or should I conform to everyone to maintain equality between everyone else's sections and mine? Maybe I can, from within, influence what activities and materials will be handled in a significant number of discussions in my favor? I just don't know. Granted, we all get together once a week and collectively determine what points are most important to cover in discussion sections, what problems to go over, and what activities to do. Still . . . it's kind of like prescribing the same blood pressure medication to everyone, rather than tailoring which blood pressure medications to give to which patients.

The thing is I come from a vastly different background than pretty much all the other GSIs. I have more experience in "applied" genetics in relation to research, public health, and particularly epidemiology. I understand how genetics is used in the "real world" and how to get students interested in these applications. Most of the other GSIs are real biology grad students, so they work on such and such gene in species such as fruit flies, nematodes, mice, plants, etc. Basically, not people, and basically students will come to the point where they'll ask, "Why should I care about genetics?"

I don't want to become a "rogue GSI" and get my sections all excited over something I can't, or am not allowed to, deliver. I want my undergrads to care, I want them to see that genetics is useful, and is becoming ever-increasingly important in medicine, public health, and science in general. The course I'm GSI-ing for is the undergrad intro genetics course, so I know it's going to be focused on fruit fly, nematode, plant, mice, and bacteria genetics. Aka, boring (to most of the students, a large chunk of who are pre-med). I don't think they realize this as I don't think any of the other GSIs were pre-meds themselves.

Thoughts anyone?

---TANGENT---
So I went to the gym today for the first time since before finals, like a month ago. I'm going to be sore and in pain tomorrow, haha. You may/may not have noticed my random 1-hour or 2-hour breaks in the "middle" of the day Mondays through Fridays. Those are for going to the gym (and resting/prepping as necessary).

Because of the ridiculous-ness of my schedule, I'm relegated to eating what I'd like to call the "wandering grad student diet." Basically, breakfast and lunch consists of fruits, a mix of nuts, and cereal bars while they still last. Dinner stays normal, though I think I'll be too tired to cook a ton.
---END TANGENT---

Passing on the Torch

I'm back at my university now! I start classes on Wednesday. -_-

Break was a bit too short, and yet at the same time too long. I can't stand being at home - sharing a room with my brother (long story), colder temperatures than in my apartment, sedentary as a barnacle all day, feeling lethargic . . . it's just not me. I also gained 6-7 lbs over break, fuck! It's okay, that weight isn't "real," it'll disappear in 2-3 weeks of subsisting on my own food and working out regularly.

So I come back to my apartment in the midst of my old Japanese roommate leaving and my new Korean roommate settling in. The first thing that hit me was the 80-85 degrees F. It was way too warm, especially in my room where it's an additional 2-5 degrees warmer. So I turned the heat down "back to normal."

I'm not sure if I said this, but my old roommate decided that the commute to his classes was too far (about 30 minutes by 2 buses). So he wanted to live in an apartment closer to central campus. My new Korean roommate (from Korea) is a material science engineer in his senior year, so he'll be much closer to his classes than I'll be to mine. He's here from January until July, which is conveniently when our lease ends. For a Korean (from Korea) he speaks remarkably good and unaccented English. He seems nice and pretty laid back. We'll see. My old roommate's still lingering around, as he still has some stuff left in the apartment that he hasn't moved out yet.

The apartment is in that chaotic transition state right now. I'm waiting for the dust to clear before I vacuum, sweep, and dust. I can't stand a dirty apartment (I'm not so anal as to require a spotless apartment, I just like to be able to walk barefoot anywhere in my own apartment), so I'm hoping things settle down pretty fast so I can clean a bit.

I have a GSI training session tomorrow from 8:30am until 5:30pm. Gross! At least we get free breakfast and lunch. After that I'll probably go see what books I need to buy. My friend should be back in town by the time I'm done so we can catch dinner and go grocery shopping. My financial aid situation's been all up in the air somewhat in the last few days, as I see random money being given and taken away from me. It's kind of odd. I hope things clear quickly so I know what my billing statement is by Wednesday, when the tuition bill is due.
-----
A quick note on something before I forget (and I'm sure I'll do a more in-depth post on it later). I don't think I can come out to my parents any time within the next 4 years. In other words, I'll need to be done with med school and in residency somewhere else. The ridiculous new proposal of some southern state (Alabama or Louisiana) where single parents and gay parents aren't allowed to adopt came up. My parents don't see what's wrong with that law. My brothers and I kind of argued that there are no studies that support that law logically. Yet my mom still believed that kids raised in such an environment would grow up to be not-quite-right, not gay themselves necessarily, but not quite right - as if they'd get messed up.

Gay marriage also came up briefly and my parents don't see why gay marriage should be recognized legally (granted, they didn't argue against gay marriage, but still). Their thinking (and specifically my mom's) is that both partners would be working, what's the big deal with joint benefits? I think if there was ever legislation in my state to ban gay marriage (too late, actually), my parents would probably not vote on that issue. I'd like to think that, while they're personally against it, they don't have a good enough reason against it. I know that if I come out as bi or gay to my parents, they'll think it's their fault. They'll think either they raised me wrong, or there's something genetic about it, or that there must've been some bad karma (something like that) in either their or my past lives.

I think there are two conditions that must be met before I will think about coming out to my parents. The first is that I am completely independent from them, so after med school. The second is if I'm madly in love with a guy who's "worth fighting for" and who I can see spending the rest of my life with. As of right now, neither condition is met and so I continue to bide my time. I get a cold chill when I think about some of the things they've said.

---TANGENT---
Okay, enough of my boring-ish day and pseudo-parental issues. I've caught up with 2 new-ish blogs. They are:

Life On The DL
Writing Fiction

I'm sure they're no strangers here, but head on over and say hi! :D
---END TANGENT---

2009 Resolutions

It's that time of the year where we all commit ourselves to the "honored tradition" of declaring our resolutions for the year, and pray to God we keep or meet them. I sincerely hope I achieve all of mine. Many of them are on-going ones that'll probably carry over until next year and years after.

2009 is a year of change, not only for the US and the world, but also for me. A lot of things will be changing this year. I intend on taking it all in stride. My 10 resolutions for 2009 are:

1. Lose 20-25 lbs from my lowest weight in 2008. It should only take me 2 weeks or so to get back down to that 2008 weight from what I currently weigh (though I'm not sure I want to know). Hopefully I can go to the gym (almost) every weekday. If I can lose 10-15 lbs by Spring Break (end of February) that'd be ideal, but I want to lose all the weight by August and maintain my weight thereafter. Any tips and/or suggestions?

2. Update my wardrobe. I've been wearing most of my clothes since the beginning of undergrad. I've lost weight since freshman year of undergrad, so I went from an XL to a L and now to somewhere between an M and L (shirt size). A lot of my clothes are loose on me, so I need to get new clothes. The problem is that I hate shopping and I don't know what's fashionable, stylish, and will look good on me. Help?

3. Learn to cook new things! This is one of my on-going resolutions. Foremost amongst things I want to try are steak, various soups, and desserts. Got any recipes?

4. Get better grades in grad school. This may be a bit challenging, as I got 3 A's, 1 A-, 1 B+, and 2 S's (aka, pass for my pass/fail courses). I suppose I could get all A's . . .

5. Be a kick-ass GSI for Genetics. :D This one will be intense, but it might be fun as well.

6. Rekindle some old friendships, maintain current ones, and make new friends (both online and in real life).

7. Not let med school consume or destroy me when I start in August.

8. Begin to explore a romantic relationship. Don't care too much if it leads to sex or not. I just want someone to cuddle with and talk to at night.

9. Make progress in coming out. A resolution in progress, this one is.

10. Live by my philosophy for the year: Whatever happens, bring on the day.

I suppose there is one more resolution . . . but it's not one I can do much about. I would like more Followers on my blog (points to the 3 current Followers in the sidebar to the right). I want some blog love. :P So if you read my blog regularly, please Follow it (especially if I'm following your blog, ::wink wink::).

Now, to look back to my 2008 resolutions. Hmm, it actually seems like I've met most of them to some degree. Go me!! I hope I can do the same (if not better) for 2009 as well. :D

---TANGENT---
I don't know why, but I'm in a rather happy and silly mood. For your entertainment, I've provided the following.

Found at this link.

Hamster on a Piano (Eating Popcorn)


Kevjumba - Girls are like m&m's

---END TANGENT---

Mask of Caring

---DISCLAIMER---
This post is a continuation of my last post, here. Be careful when reading this post. The tone of this post may not come out as I intend. It is not with sadness or loneliness that I post. For now it's merely an observation, a musing over the last several days. This post is rather long.
---END DISCLAIMER---

The more I come to realize about myself, the more I realize that my life is not always my own . . .

What I'm about to say I've never told anyone, and I doubt anyone remembered the event at any rate. When I was around 7-years-old or so, I wasn't all that well-behaved (are there any well-behaved 7-year-olds?). Once, my mom got so pissed that she swore at me in Chinese. It was the phrase 该死 (gai1 si3). I didn't know it meant "Damn it" as the second character, 死, means "death." I thought that she wanted me dead or something. So I went to the kitchen, took out a knife, walked back upstairs, and gave it to my mom. And told her to just kill me as clearly my life was causing her problems, and that if she didn't do it, I would. Of course she freaked out and never said that about me (or later my brothers) again.

Flash forward a decade or so. In high school and in my undergrad, I was the friend that others went to for help. I may not have been at the top my class (particularly so in my undergrad), but I had a way of explaining things that others understood, even if I myself didn't quite completely understand. Many of my friends weren't as eloquent at explaining things back to me, so I didn't get much out of this. My mom found this very annoying actually, and she would often say, "Why does so and so ask you for help? You always help them, but they never help you back! You're always giving them knowledge and get nothing in return. You need to be more shrewd and say 'I don't know' every now and then, you can't just let them take everything you know and then do better on the exams than you."

Even now this rings true, perhaps more so. And yet I continue to do it. I continue to help. I think my one jewel, perhaps my one defining characteristic and curse is that I sometimes care too much for others I know and get relatively little in return. Ironic how it's almost eerily similar to the doctor-patient relationship: you want a caring doctor who listens, yet you're "done" with them once you leave the office. This then, is my Mask of Caring.

When I was in high school, I would wake up an extra 20 minutes early or so and make breakfast and pack lunches for my brothers. Everything would be ready by the time they woke up, brushed their teeth, and came downstairs. I would proof my brothers' college application essays. I was the one to truly push and motivate them where my parents failed. In my own small way, I guided them without forcing them (unlike my parents, lol).

I'm no saint by any means. I hardly do much volunteering anymore. In high school I would volunteer for all these community service clubs, but I found too many of them shallow and purposeless. I would do things but never interact with - or even see - the people I was supposedly helping. I've found that in some respects, such undergrad service clubs are similar. Instead I did biomedical research. Although I'll never see the faces of the people my research may one day (in the distant-ish future) help, I know that it will help someone, someday. I've had a hand in breast cancer research, human genetic deafness, and colorectal cancer. These are not uncommon things that plague society. Yet I know I will never gain any glory (aka first authorship) from my research.

And whenever a friend needed help with something, no matter how reluctant I was, I would do it unless I had a legitimate excuse that trumped (which doesn't come up often, except during finals week). I was the one constant, the "rock" in people's lives. JW-M would rant to me, RZ-F would rant to me, SR-F would vent her frustrations to me. I took it upon myself really - no matter how much they didn't want to tell, I would elicit it out of them because I knew they needed to talk to someone. For a long time I was able to listen, passively, stoically, process, then give advice. I let things pass through me so they didn't affect me personally.

Then things changed, I don't know when. When someone was down, I became down. When someone was happy, it would temporarily lift me out of whatever state I was in. Reading the events surrounding other bloggers the last month or so has been rougher on me emotionally than I even realized. It was difficult to study for my final exams. I may sit here passively, stoically on the outside, but inside I cared. And it hurts, almost physically, when I find out a person can't confide in me. And although it's easy to just ignore my Google Reader while I studied, I had to know what's going on if at all possible.

It's easy for me to care less (aka, not think about) people I've never met, don't know in any way, and are removed from my life. But once a person enters my life, even at the very periphery, I can't help but care. Even if they don't talk to me much, don't reveal much to me, I will care. I don't know what it is, it almost feels like a duty for me to care. As if caring is a duty that we as humans owe to each other - to care unconditionally, without any real thanks even. How many times my friends have asked me why I cared about x, y, and z. Because I do, because I must.

I don't reveal much about my inner self, not even on this blog where I'm quite open, considering. I wonder how many people care to find out. I wonder what readers out there think about me - if I'm just talking out of my ass or actually being sincere. I know I don't come across as the most emotional blogger. That's just how my writing is. In caring for/about others, I've left little room for myself. Hence, my life is not always my own . . . I live, in a good part, for others I think.

And again, I don't really get much out of it. It's not like my brothers help me much. Actually, they try to get out of helping me wherever possible, lol. And despite helping others - in my lab, my friends, etc - it's not like I'm rewarded. Heck, most of the time I'm not even invited to things as they simply "forget" to invite me. Even the best amongst my friends - JW-M, SR-F, RZ-F, etc - will sometimes invite me as almost an afterthought at the last moment.

It's all okay, I suppose. I don't dwell on this much. I suppose the one thing I want most in this world is someone in person to love and care about who cares and loves me enough to want to figure out everything about me, and then reflect my care back on to me. I think, that's the only way I can truly care about myself in a positive way. At any rate, my Mask of Caring is almost a duty I undertake - to care almost unconditionally about others that I personally know.

---TANGENT---
So, for the last 2 days, I've been relentless catching up on two blogs in particular. Two blogs that many bloggers who read mine are well-acquainted with. They are:

Mirrorboy's Blog
Right Time and Place

If you haven't had a chance to go over and say hi, I suggest doing so. :P

Also, I'm still fighting for my A in Pathophysiology. The ONLY way I could get an A- is if they "standardized" the letter grades, which is weird and unfair. I can't let the ONE class I actually really CARED about give me an A- when the average according to the average points on my exams give me an A. Grrr.

I also read something in the news that made my blood boil. I won't talk about it here, that's for another post in the future.
---END TANGENT---

A Jewel

I've been mulling over a particular thought the last few days. To those who I talk to online and have been absent the last couple days, I apologize. I will frame this thought in this post and then follow-up on it in my next post.

-----
The title of this post is from the 5th scene of my friend JR-M's 30-minute movie. The main character, Jeremiah, goes to a church to talk to a priest. An excerpt of the scene is as follows:

Jeremiah: Think it's possible for one man to change the world, Father?

Priest: The world?! Oh, heavens, that's an awfully big piece of pie. But I think a man can find his jewel.

Jeremiah: His jewel?

Priest: You see, I think of us all as empty rings, or pendants. Each one of us is searching for that one thing that we can do to make ourselves, and our place in this world, complete. And when he sees it, it will be as brilliant as heaven itself.
-----
And so I ask myself, and you, what is my (your) jewel? Who, or what, are you going to devote yourself to?

JR-M also included in the insert to his DVD the following pic:
Cryptic words with no punctuation. It's difficult to say what is truly meant by these words. However, I'd like to interpret the phrase as the following:

"In shackles we have awaited yet torn asunder. We're born to light and new worlds, ye great minds of true men . . ."

If my interpretation is correct (and if I accurately know a thing or two about my friend), the above probably means something to the effect that many of us somehow feel stifled or suppressed by some unseen force. It wears us down, it literally chains us. But we all have a chance to do something, to shape this world. All that lacks is the mind, and the will.

What do you think?

---TANGENT---
I'm mildly annoyed that I got a B+ in Intro to Epidemiology. The class wasn't even hard or anything, but that final (posted briefly here) was ridiculous! I bet it single-handedly brought down my grade from an A/A- borderline.

The one grade I AM pissed about is Pathophysiology. As I've said before, I freaking loved this class. I did really well on the first 2 exams. I didn't do nearly as well on this last exam, but then again I studied for less than 24 hours and still got a B on that exam. However, that B dragged my overall grade down to an A-. BUT! When I calculated my grade average, it should've been in the "A range." I'm fighting for that A for the mere principle that I deserved that grade. Apparently, the difference between an A and A- in grad school is bigger than in undergrad (my grad school is on an 8.000-scale that I have yet to figure out).
---END TANGENT---

Must Be Productive . . .

So . . . I had my epidemiology final today. It was EPIC. Epic in the sense that it was literally impossible to finish. I guess the 2nd-years weren't joking when they told us that, haha.

Here's the breakdown of the exam. 2 hours. Open notes/resources (as long as it's not with another person or utilizes technology). 30 questions. Each question has its own page. Most questions had multiple parts to them.

I got through like, 2/3 of all the questions (so I finished like 20 questions). I skipped most of the questions I didn't answer not because I couldn't (eventually) figure them out, but rather because they take a long time to figure out how to do. When time was called, I just drew smiley faces on those pages I didn't answer. At least there's (hopefully) going to be a MASSIVE curve, because very few people (if any) actually finished that exam.

It's snowing hardcore outside and I'm procrastinating. I have one more exam to go - pathophysiology - tomorrow. I figure, I might as well post and get some of the procrastination out of my system.

And here's an entertaining YouTube vid: Tetris with lyrics.


Enjoy. Now I'm off to study the nervous system, skin, muscle, gastrointestinal tract, and liver for tomorrow.

Just Gotta Press On

What's it like to have the ground freeze beneath your feet, the mud tracks becoming solid, within the span of a day? A little disconcerting I must say. I think I must utilize the final evolution in my winter-gear. Time to bust out the eskimo-like coat. I hoped it wouldn't have had to come to this this year, but alas.

I apologize for not blogging in the last several days. I've been quite busy studying for my finals this week. Two down and two more to go! On Wednesday I'll be DONE.

You know, it's kind of sad when in order to study for an exam, you need to think about all the ways people die. For one class it's cancer - breast and colorectal especially. For today's toxicology final I had to review things like alcohol poisoning, drug overdosing, heavy metal exposure (lead, mercury, etc), and such. And on Wednesday is pathophysiology - so basically what happens when something goes wrong with the body. So. Much. Death. No wonder doctors have some of the highest rates of suicide.

Here's my public service announcement. Do NOT take alcohol with Tylenol (acetaminophen). Both damage the liver in large quantities, but the combination creates something called reactive oxygen species that literally use electrons to punch holes into the surrounding liver cells, resulting in liver failure. Death soon follows liver failure. See?! Death!!

What's sadder is when you see something that makes you initially get excited before you realize what's going on and then get sad. For example, KS-F told me her cousin has colon cancer. At age 22. Right away I suspected FAP genotype (basically, you start getting colon polyps at age 10-12 and these have a 100% chance of becoming cancer by the time one's 17 if left untreated). I was excited to know what's the likely cause of colon cancer in such a young person, and I suggested genetic counseling for her family (though she seems to be fine, so she didn't inherit it). Then I realized how ridiculously sad it was to have colon cancer at 22.

Later I talked this over with AG-F and she agreed. The genetic counseling students would get all excited over an interesting/unique case in conference, but then they meet the people. And when you meet the people these diseases affect, you can't help but feel sad (and a little ashamed that you were so excited by the disease in the first place). Such is the world of health care professionals. The day I stop seeing people as people and start seeing people as just walking symptoms/diseases is the day I've lose my humanity.

Last Day of Classes!

I thought this day would never come. The semester dragged on and on until Thanksgiving, then suddenly it's all over now.

I went to work (research) today. I won't go into the details here, but my experiment epic failed on me and I lost 3 hours of my life. I want them back. I did nothing wrong! Stupid buffer. This exemplifies why I hate research sometimes.

I got my anti-pharmacy grade back from the exam I took last night. 24/28, the mean was 22.9/28. Not bad considering I studied for less than 2 days. This'll probably end up as a B+ or A-, or maybe an A if I'm really lucky. So as long as I don't get lower than an A- on the final, I should get an A of some sort in this class. Oddly, I don't find myself caring much.

It rained today, which sucked. It melted most of the snow. As much as I hate the cold, I hate cold icy rain even more. I would take the snow over icy rain any day.

A clothing store in town was going out of business. So I went with SR-F and we each bought a T-shirt for $4.22. That's a pretty damn good deal. It took me FOREVER to find a medium-size shirt; most were L, XL, or XXL. I mean, honestly, an XXL can almost fit two of me.

JW-M sent me an email today with the subject line as "oh yes, they do exist." Refer to the pic below:
This was in Xi'an. Those are the "famous" biang biang noodles. Notice how ridiculous the first two characters are (the two large characters on the left and middle)! I mean, "biang" isn't even a legal pronounciation in Mandarin! Anyway, the old Asian man icon thing is pretty badass, as well as that super-char composed of very common component-chars.

I Missed You!!

Picture from here.

Hey, I'm back! You may have noticed a few minor-ish changes to the blog format and the pic in the header. I bet you missed me as much as I missed you (or maybe you didn't notice my absence). A few things to update.

Yesterday was my friend JW-M's birthday. He's in Beijing studying abroad right now. I wished him a happy birthday online and on Facebook. I also told him that I loved him as a friend, something I've never said to a friend before (I think). And it's true, I value his friendship very dearly. He also told me that I was the one "true friend" he made in college, so that was really touching. I almost teared up a little.

I took my toxicology (anti-pharmacy) exam today. It was kind of rough but shouldn't be too bad, considering I just started studying for it yesterday.

I finished my term paper!! It is epic 12 pages with 13 references. The policy proposal I came up with is quite novel, if I do say so myself, as it doesn't involve government legislation to proceed with regulation. My topic is the need for regulation on PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).

In a nutshell: PGD is where they take 1-2 cells from the early embryo and do a genetic test on the DNA to see if that embryo has any genetic diseases. The embryo isn't destroyed in the process and can be implanted into the womb.

Now, some issues I had to address in my paper:

1. Cost and access. PGD isn't cheap at about $5000 and most health insurances won't cover it. That's clearly a health disparity along economic lines, and the poor who may need this technology can't access it.

2. PGD for controversial medical use. There is the case of Molly Nash. She was born with Fanconi's anemia, a fatal childhood genetic disease. Her parents used PGD to conceive a second child who was born free of the disease and was an HLA match with her sister. Because he was selected as an embryo to be an HLA match, doctors could then transfer his bone marrow into Molly to save her life. Were the parents ethically/morally right in "commissioning" a second child to save a first?

3. PGD for sex selection. Should PGD be used to select the gender of one's child? The only accepted indication in the medical field is when there's an X-linked disease in the family that would be bad for a male offspring. But the private sector can do whatever it wants in this respect.

4. PGD for non-disease genetic traits. Let's put it this way. Should deaf parents use PGD to make sure that their children are also deaf? Should straight parents use PGD to ensure their children are straight, or gay parents use PGD to ensure their children are gay (assuming the children is conceived via surrogacy and there is a single gay gene - which there is NOT)?

5. PGD and public health. If we could use PGD to eliminate genetic diseases from the population, should we? Can we? There are dire ramifications when we mess with the diversity of the human genome. For example, when a person only has one copy of the sickle-cell anemia gene mutation that person is resistant to malaria, but two copies of that gene mutation causes full-blown sickle-cell anemia. We don't know enough about the human genome to mess with it. And even if we do, I don't think we should.

So those are the interesting issues I had to consider and ponder and come up with some kind of regulatory policy on. If your head's spinning, don't worry. Mine was too on Saturday as I was on page 4 of 12.

Anyway, I realize (for the 100th time or something) that I post really long posts. I apologize, but that's unlikely to change, and that's probably why I don't have 20,000+ page-views. I mean, I'm not THAT boring am I?

Picture from here.

I really liked that picture. A lot of bloggers have been down lately. If you're one of them, and you see this, or you know a blogger who is in need of some cheer, send them this or an e-hug or something.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

A belated Thanksgiving thought. I went to bed a couple nights ago with a random smile, as I thought of how my grandpa will be 80 in about 3 months and how he's still so ridiculously healthy (no medication of any kind). I'm thankful that he's in amazing health, that he wakes up with a smile almost every day, that he's still enjoying what life has to offer.

In a different vein, I'm thankful for all the e-friends I've made through this blog. I'm thankful for the (seemingly) handful of readers that come my way. While it hasn't felt like I've changed much or grown since I started this blog, I know that to be false. The bigger question is, what's the next step?

I want to make a massive overture to a particular subject that I'm thankful for. Those with access to it probably don't think much on it, but rather, just expect it. My next post, the one on this, may be a while from now. I'm considering taking a mini-hiatus for a week or so (somehow I don't think I'll be misssed) to finish my term paper and study for my 4-5 exams. In the mean time, I hope these random thoughts below amuse you.

1. So, for the last few days, I kept thinking I had an appointment with my adviser at 2pm tomorrow (Monday, Dec. 1). But I knew that I'd have to miss my pathophysiology lecture about 30 minutes early, and that's my favorite class. I agreed, and she was meeting with all her advisees at once I think, somewhere on the 6th floor. I realize now that it was all a dream. There is no appointment meeting. Now I wonder how much of my other scheduling events are the result of a dream. Hmmm.

2. I had a dream last night where I was traveling to Beijing, China. My dad was with me for some reason. We drove to the airport, where we got on a plane but we had to transfer to another plane for some reason in Chicago or something. My dad got in a fight with the pilot and was then handcuffed to his seat. So we're on this plane to San Francisco (my dad handcuffed to his seat), where we stop before arriving in Beijing. For some reason I was really anxious and/or apprehensive about flying, which I rarely am. There were storms expected ahead and I wasn't sure if the pilot was going to attempt to fly through them or go around. Anyway, I woke up mid-dream and I tried forcing myself back to sleep to finish the dream. I hate waking up mid-dream. Anyone else do that?

3. Some Lolcats pics. From this site, of course.

I love this site, haha. It's the most addicting distraction I've come across in a while. My friend and I just kept sending each other links for about an hour.

4. Last, but not least, I'd like to introduce (who haven't come across it yet) the blog Equal Eight. It's rather hilarious, so go over and say hi! :D

The Value of Friendship

---TANGENT---
As James pointed out to me, we bloggers in this circle seem to go through cycles of depression and the like. He may post about it, we'll see. Several bloggers have been feeling down of late, like AJ and Landyn. Others might have "coming out anxiety" like Charlie and E. We should all be good friends and give them lots of love and encouragement, as well as the gall to drag them out of the mire of down-ness.
---END TANGENT---

On the outside I usually try to stay as calm and as stoic as possible, as it helps to quite down my emotions enough to allow me to think (and we all know how I tend to over-think). But unbeknownst to many, I have a tendency to soak up the emotions of others. So I often get happy when others around me are happy, and down when others around me are sad or stressed. Even if my own personal situation doesn't concord with those of others, the emotions of others sometimes take priority over my own. I don't know if this is a good or bad then when the lines between my emotions and the emotions of others become blurred.

A couple days ago I was in the bank depositing a check. As I stood in line my eyes began to tear up for no reason at all. I wasn't personally sad, I didn't keep my eyes open for a really long time, and I don't think it was an allergen in the air. But for some reason my eyes just welled up and although I didn't cry, I sure felt it.

I think it was the "weight of the world" kind of thing. How for a while now I've internalized the emotions infused into the posts of other bloggers, and how I've had to deal with my own things. I won't go into them here as it'd only make me sound emo or something, and I'm totally not an emo kind of guy.

I spent much of the evening bumming around in my apartment - without motivation, without inspiration, without want to do anything. I was just lonely and crawling by. Then I IMed my friend, JW-M. (For those who're new, he's probably my best friend from university here and is currently in China for a year.) He just replied, "Hey, I'm playing Neverwinter Nights (NWN) a bit, it's fun." Then he said something like, "We should make a module together!"

For whatever reason, that seemed to pull me out of my personal little mire of despair. Not sure why and I'm not sure why he has the power to do this. But I love him for it. It's totally trivial, really, designing a game mod together. We've attempted in the past with another game or two, but have never been able to finish. He assured me this would be easier if we made it as simple as possible just to get success. He said I could brainstorm storyplot ideas (he knows how much I like to think and come up with random creative things).

So in the span of 5 minutes, he had given me some kind of strange purpose in my life. I don't know, but it made me pretty happy. And it's utterly silly in retrospect - all this over him saying that we should do something with a game together. But hey, we all need random things to perk us up like that every now and then, no?

Other tidbits of my life in the last couple days:

- Apparently I did much better on my pathophysiology exam than I thought. I got an A+ with the curve.

- My cold is progressing on time. I now have a minor cough and a slightly stuffed nose. Great. Too bad my pharmacist friend told me that every study on cold and cough syrup indicate that they do nothing. Note that for the future.

- I went to go see the CSO concert. I don't think I've ever heard all of Beethoven's monumental Symphony #5 in C minor. It was something else. I may do a post on just how the conductor seemed to weave the individual parts of the music from each of the sections into what we call "music." There was much nostalgia in attending a concert.

- I watched Top Chef tonight (well, last night now) with two friends of mine. Oh how we love food, and thus that show. Her roommate also watched with us and would not stop talking! A part of me wanted to say, "Hey, I love talking to you, really, but I can't hear the TV and the volume's up at a decent decibel." After her roommate went to her room, my friend (in a very quiet hushed voiced) apologized for the loquaciousness of her roommate.

- My brother's birthday is today. I'm going to skip going to the gym and he's going to skip class so we can have lunch together.

- My friend, JW-F, will be flying into town late tonight. I haven't seen her since we graduated. It'll be nice to catch up and such. (If you ever wonder who these people are, they're generally listed in the panel on the right of this blog if they're "recurrent characters" in my life.)

Hey, I Hooked Up

Hey, I hooked up tonight!

I would post more details, but I'm dead tired, so this post is just a tease (I know, you all hate me now right?). To let you all know how ridiculously busy I'll be for this coming week, here's a sample of my schedule of the week:

Monday: Pathophysiology exam. I also have to get my GSI (grad student instructor) contract. I'll be teaching a class next semester!! I don't know for what undergrad course until I get my contract, but I'm really excited.

Tuesday: Epidemiology homework due. It takes 2-3 hours to do.

Wednesday: Genetics homework due. Probably also takes 2-3 hours to do.

Thursday: A group paper and a presentation/discussion thing.

The rest of the time, I have loads of research. But of course that's not what's interesting. What's interesting is the hook up I'm not talking about in this post, lol (still hating me?).

Comment and let me know how much, um, detail you want me to go into when I do blog about it in a few days when the dusts of academia clear a bit for me. Your choices are: prudely detailed, moderately detailed, quite detailed, pretty detailed, play-by-play detailed, and omg-too-detailed.

Election Wrap-up

I spent the evening watching the election last night, and consequently got no work done. Oh well. As people may (or may not) have noticed, I try to keep politics out of this blog because I don't much like politics. So just a few things:

1. I'm glad Obama won. I hope he'll be able to deliver the change he promises and the change that we so need as a country after 8 years of Bush. I have no doubt he'll be a competent and capable president, but I feel just a little bad as he's charged with cleaning up all that Bush messed up.

2. McCain is a great and respectable man. There was a time (at the very beginning of the campaign) that I might've considered voting for him. The closer it got to election time, the more that evaporated. Yet, he exhibited dignity and grace in his speech accepting his loss in the election.

3. California, we've been watching your Prop 8 here. Of all the states with that initiative on the ballot, we never expected it to turn out so close with "Yes on Prop 8" slightly ahead. Last I checked, not all the precincts were in, so there's still hope that "No on Prop 8" will win the day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. If for no other reason to support "No on Prop 8," it's that if Prop 8 passes, it'd be a clear violation in my mind of the Separation of Church and State. And I hold that concept pretty sacred.

4. I am ecstatic to say that Prop 2 in my state passed (barely), which means "looser" restrictions on embryonic stem cell research. Prop 2 is actually a very specific and detailed proposition that has many limits on obtaining embryonic stem cells (see my past post here for more). So "looser" really means "at all" and with all the attendant restrictions at the state and federal levels.

Now, to go research for my term paper on pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (aka, embryo screening). And to study for my pathophysiology exam next Monday. I do love that class, lol.

Happy Halloween!

So I realize it's about 2 hours past Halloween for me here, but that's okay. This would've been a drunk post had I actually been of constitution to down alcohol tonight. As it is, I have a cold and am exhausted, so I'll try to keep this short.

In short, this week sucked. My two exams went okay, though the exam questions for my 2-credit class were far more difficult than what should've been for a 2-credit class. My left eye had this tendency to go out-of-focus every now and then throughout the week, not sure why. I've been lightheaded all week, not entirely sure why. Been feeling really down for about half the week. And now I've a cold so the back of my throat's a little sore. As a result of all this, only went to the gym once so now I feel like I gained 5-10 lbs and feel quite bloated (probably not true). At least my Western blot worked - I would've been really pissed if it hadn't because that experiment takes 7-8 hours to do.

Today was fun though. RZ-F is visiting for the weekend and is staying with SR-F. It was good seeing her, a bit nostalgic. And yet, every time I see her, I wonder what might've been between us. Sigh.

Her old roommate, CM-F, who's a med student here now, stopped by. The three of us (SR-F doesn't drink and doesn't like to party like that) went out. We stopped by a med school frat first. It was alright. My first time doing jello shots. They were weak. Med students (::rolls eyes:: lol). But there were tons of people in constumes there. One Asian guy was dressed up as a native American Indian, so he obviously had no shirt on. Wow, so lean and hot. It's now my goal to lose weight and get nice abs so I can dress up as something shirtless next Halloween. Halloween's been really nice and warm this year. Usually it's cold and drizzling around here.

We then went to a bar. En route I found a $20 bill on the ground. We used it to pay for almost all of what we got at the bar, haha. No one drank much because we ordered food - it was more food than we thought. If I had drank any more I would've thrown up, not from being drunk, but from being too full. More hot guys about. Some slutty and really attractive women about too. Usually not attracted to people that dress up as sluts, but some of them . . .

Apparently I'm considered an Mo.5, lol (1st year med students are M1's, 2nd years are M2's, and so on, so I'm an Mo.5 or M-half). On the way back to SR-F's apartment, RZ-F was complaining about there being a "dying breed" of nice guys in the world and generally hinting heavily at her guy problems. If only she could see what's in front of her sometimes.