To Hold and Be Held

Held so tightly by ~TopScoff on deviantART

I had been debating whether to post this or not, but I've decided that I want to remember the event as vividly as I can.  The following will get graphic, so if your sensibilities are easily offended, please skip this post.  I assure you, I will blog again soon.

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I met him online months ago, in a forum not unlike this one.  We messaged for a while before we added each other's IM.  I had half-jokingly agreed that if I got an interview in his area, he must visit me and I'd take him on a date.  Sometimes the stars do align, if only briefly.

Several weeks ago I went to an interview near him.  When I arrived at the train station, he was sitting there waiting for me in a black hoodie and jeans.  He was thinner and slightly shorter than me with dark brown hair, mesmerizing grey eyes, and a short goatee.  We first stopped by my hotel to drop my things off then went to a nearby Thai restaurant for lunch - his first time having Thai food.  Afterwards we went to a local natural history museum; I totally geeked out and I think he was amused by it all, haha.  It was a tiny museum and so we decided to stop for coffee on our way back to my hotel.  We chatted for a while over our coffee - him a mocha, me a chai latte.

There were still several hours before my pre-interview evening event, so we headed back to my hotel to see if there was any good movies on.  As he flipped through the channels, I positioned myself behind him to give him a back massage.  He had been so stressed lately and there were so many knots in his back - there were knots in places I didn't know a muscle could knot!  I began on his shoulders and kneading his upper back, working the knots out.  As I moved down, I found knots between his ribs and in his lower back.  At this point he laid on his stomach so I could get better access to his lower back.  I got a bit daring and went further, massaging his butt and upper thighs - wouldn't you have known, he had knots there too (somehow)!

I gave him a thorough massage for a good 30 minutes or more before he sat up.  He leaned back into me until we were both lying on our backs on the bed.  He turned towards me and wrapped his arms and legs around me like a koala to a tree, and laid his head in the crook of my neck.  I rested my head on his, smelling his hair.  To hold and be held like this, to cuddle, was such indescribable pleasure and relaxation.  As he cuddled I stroked his back and arms with my arm that was wrapped around him.  This guy really loved cuddling.  It's on par with a little kid/toddler in the amount and quality of physical affection, and it was awesome to hold and be held like that.

With my other arm, I stroked his chest, his stomach - first over his shirt then under.  Then I moved my hands down to his hip and around under his boxer-briefs to grab his fuzzy butt a few times.  He didn't object.  To test the limits of this, I moved my hands around to the front until I felt the head of his cock, already hard and completely wet with precum.  I massaged it a bit with my fingertips until he rotated himself till he was on top of me.  He undid his belt and unzipped his jeans, the tip of his cock peeking above his underwear.

He leaned in for a kiss.  It was awkward at first on my end, as it has been a really long time since I had kissed anyone.  As we kissed I had my hands on his cock, giving it a few strokes.  He then took off his shirt, pants, and underwear, revealing his entire cock for the first time.  It was one of the most beautiful uncut cocks I had ever seen - he was so hard that his foreskin had pulled back entirely.  He claimed it was about 6.5" but it looked closer to 7" and was quite thick.  He leaned in to kiss again before reaching into my pants to find my cock hard and wet with precum (I don't usually precum much, unless I'm very aroused - which I was).  He undid my belt, pulled off my pants, gave my cock a few strokes, pulled back my foreskin and put my cock in his mouth.

He knew what he was doing, sucking and licking my foreskin in such an oh-so-exciting way.  He stroked me a bit before I had him lie back to return the favor.  I gave his cock a good squeeze and saw a large drop of precum bead at the tip.  I pulled his foreskin over and licked the tip in circles before pulling it back and tried to suck as much of his cock as I could.  I put my tongue between his foreskin and the head and licked in circles, causing him to moan a little.

At some point he was above me and we tried to 69 . . . it was hilariously awkward because we couldn't quite coordinate ourselves.  We mostly ended up sucking and playing with each other's balls and asses for a bit.  He had me stop a couple times because he was close to cumming, so I paused while he kept going on me.  I would've given myself completely over to him had he a condom on him.

Maybe an hour later I was close to cumming.  It's weird being on the edge of cumming but not quite being able to because someone else is in control and they switch it up between oral and different strokes just as you're about to go over the edge.  It had been a week since I had gotten off (not much time what with the constant traveling, dining, and interviewing) and I was soooo sensitive.  When I started to cum, it came out like a flood - it gushed with each spasm but in between it felt like cum was still pouring out.  One of the best orgasms I've had.

He had laid himself across me in such a way that my cum splattered his chest.  It was my turn to return the favor.  Soon he was moaning and riding the same edge that I had just been - almost there but not quite.  Finally I got him over and his cum sprayed all over.  I teased his cock head a bit - knowing it'd get super sensitive post-orgasm - until he told me to stop.  We cuddled for a little bit in the afterglow before quickly deciding that we should shower and clean up, haha.

He decided to spend the night with me after my dinner with the residents rather than drive back home.  We cuddled in bed for a while as we chatted and got sleepy.  We crawled under the sheets and he wrapped himself around me.  It felt nice, but . . . I failed to realize how warm another human body could be.  So I kind of overheated haha, and the AC/heater unit thing was making such a racket all night that I barely got any good sleep.  That said, I tried to cuddle every chance I could get without overheating (it's surprisingly awkward to sleep next to someone if you don't position yourself just so).

A Sudden Farewell

At around 10pm on May 1st, one of my closest friends committed suicide.

I learned that fact from his older brother on Facebook.  There were and are no words that adequately describe my shock.  There are so many questions left unanswered.  What warning signs there were (if any) were subtle.  But this much I do know.

My friend, who had a promising career in directing/acting, went to Los Angeles in December to seek career opportunities and to "find himself."  From piecing together snippets of conversations from several of his friends, his brother was able to figure out that his mental state had begun to decline.  While in isolation each of the conversations he had with people were nothing out of the ordinary, together they may have foreshadowed this event.  In fact, even earlier on May 1st he had lengthy and rather ordinary conversations with people, including his brother.  Such is the curse of hindsight.

I have promised his brother not to say much more, at least not until after the funeral.  I have an unfinished document sitting on my laptop that I had meant to send him - a document that he will never be able to receive.  We didn't talk too much these days, because of our very busy schedules and the distances that separated us.  But he was a friend I had known practically my entire life.

My last memory of him was at his brother's wedding back in September.  Although it has been months and I wasn't able to talk to him and say another goodbye, it was good seeing him back then and he shall remain in my good memories.

Farewell, my friend.  You will be missed.

2010, What a Year!

Here it is at the end of 2010, minutes until 2011 (yeah, I'm blogging now since I've nothing better to do). I must say though, 2010 was full of ups and downs, and I welcome the new year with mixed emotions. On one hand, I can't wait for 2010 to be over, on the other, I'll miss it. It's been one heck of a year looking back!

Early in the year, I had met a guy online and met him for a coffee date of sorts. Alas, it wasn't meant to be and ended almost as fast as it started.

I shadowed Dr. P in ID (infectious disease) for the first time, and that was a great (albeit, somewhat nervous) experience. I'm going to make it a point to shadow him again in the next month or so, now that I know some more!

I visited some of my friends in DC over Spring Break. It was one of the best Spring Breaks ever, and I sooo needed it.

I became the president for 2 student groups, APAMSA and LGBTPM; and co-chair for 2 student-run programs. It's been A LOT of work, but somehow everything happened more or less as planned.

To begin the summer, my roommate and a friend took a weekend trip to Chicago.

I spent 8 weeks over the summer on a pediatric externship. First in peds ID, then in primary care peds, then in peds rheumatology. It was one of the most meaningful learning experiences in my life to date.

To top off my summer before heading back to school, I visited 2 of my friends in NYC, another amazing (albeit too short) trip!

In September, Dr. P helped pay for all but my plane ticket to San Diego for the GLMA Conference. It was a pretty eye-opening experience and a great one to meet so many diverse people. Also met blogger Mike of Random Thoughts In My Life while I was there!! :-)

And lastly, my friend's starting up a non-profit in 2011, and he's asked me if I'm willing to sit on his board of directors. So it'll definitely be one heck of a way to kick-off 2011!

With that, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :-)

NYC: In Pictures

This post will be long enough without my usual text, so I present (in pictures) my 2.5-day trip to NYC to visit a couple friends there one weekend.

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Day 1 - Flushing

World's Fair grounds in Flushing Meadows Corona Park

Hotpot for dinner!

Flushing's Chinatown at night

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Day 2 - NYC (Manhattan)

Times Square

M&M Factory

Columbus Circle

Central Park

McSorley's

Washington Square Park

(Cute) pianist and contortionist street performers

Tic & Tac - twin performers

Chinatown

(What's left of) Little Italy

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Day 3 - Brooklyn

Green-Wood Cemetery - entrance

Green-Wood Cemetery - Statue of Minerva (looking at Statue of Liberty)

Green-Wood Cemetery - Leonard Bernstein's grave

Grimaldi's Pizzeria

Brooklyn Bridge

Ikea ferry + Statue of Liberty (viewed from Red Hook)

Red Hook street food vendor (where we got pupusas)

Brighton Beach

Coney Island

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It was a whirlwind of 2.5 days, but it was well worth it. :-D

Spring Break, Part 2

There really isn't more to the story, per se, of my Spring Break. But I wanted to take this second part to just say how thankful I am to have my friends.

I almost forgot how much I missed them. It's been over a year since I last saw Jake (and he gave me the Chinese-English medical dictionary he got me while he was in China), and over 2 years I think since I last saw Don or Jake's girlfriend. It felt like old times again from undergrad, with the WC3 and the joking and such, lol. How a good part of me still misses those days. I'm glad that, though things change and we move to different places and age, some things still seem to stay the same.

You know how after you've hung around someone for a while, you begin to acquire some of their idiosyncrasies? Well, that's kind of how it's like with me - I tend to absorb bits and pieces of my closest friends, among them being Jake for sure. A lot of Jake's good friends from high school went to undergrad with him (and me), and I can easily tell that they've been friends for years because they all share similar qualities. For example, they make random funny noises when excited or frustrated. And they say similar things in response to certain things. Also, Jake knows me so well that he knows just what to say to "persuade" me into changing my decision on certain things. I find it quite amusing - I hope he puts that to good use in politics some day. :-P

I'm also thankful to the diversity of my undergrad friends. Like I've said several times before, I've many friends going into the health field as doctors, pharmacists, public health workers, etc. But I also have friends in other fields. Jake is pursuing his PhD in poli-sci, like I mentioned before; he's studying "comparative politics" I think so he can specialize in US-China relations. And Don is applying to international relations Master's programs, hoping to eventually get a position where he'll be in center of the weapons and defenses discussions. Jake's girlfriend, who I don't actually know as well, will be starting her Master's in speech pathology.

It seems all my close friends who I've kept in contact with, even those all the way back from elementary school, have aimed high and generally been met with at least some success. The vast majority of us from modest middle class to upper-middle class families have come a long way. Hopefully one day I'll have friends in high places, or I myself might be in a high place. ;-)

I was talking with a current classmate of mine over gchat about our respective Spring Breaks. He went home to CA to hang out with his family but more specifically his friends. Several of them have rather wealthy parents (or as my friend says, "baller") and they spent all their time and money partying hardcore - drinking, smoking cigarettes and weed, etc (doesn't sound too fun to me). So that's what rich Asian kids do, eh? I mean, he told me how his good friend from why back spent $300 in 30 minutes on clothes. Here I am, hesitant to spend even $200 on plane tickets! This then is the difference between us and our friends.

Well, I typed more but I deleted it as it had unexpectedly turned into a rant. I guess I'm just glad I have down-to-earth friends who strive for great goals in life and can understand the struggles of others. Sometimes like does attract like.

I can only wonder what the next decade will bring. How will things change by the time we next meet? Will we change with time and age, or remain recognizable as we currently are? Whatever happens, I look forward to that day.

Spring Break, Part 1

I returned from visiting my friends in Washington DC last night. It's been a great Spring Break so far. :-) I think I'll make this post in 2 parts, this part being the long picture-heavy post of my brief visit. So without further ado:

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March 15th (the Ides of March):

My friend, Jake (formerly JW-M on my blog), and his girlfriend picked me up at the airport. We stopped by their apartment where I dropped my stuff off and lounged around for an hour or so. Then his girlfriend dropped us off at a metro station (they live in Alexandria, VA outside Washington DC) which we took into DC.

We first went to the National Archives, where Jake's roommate, DJ-M (who I'll call Don here), works as an unpaid intern. We got in the line to see the Constitution and that was pretty much all we looked at (we also did see the nigh-illegible Magna Carta as well).

Then we went to visit Jake's campus, George Washington University (GWU), where he's doing his PhD in political science. There we also met up with Don who just got off work. Upon meeting, Don proclaimed, "A stranger arrives at the capitol on the ides of March, but Caesar's in the provinces today." I must say, their campus is far inferior to where the 3 of us went for undergrad. :-P

Lastly, we walked to a Chinese restaurant in downtown DC for dinner. Jake's girlfriend met us there. It's been a while since I've had good Chinese food (there's no really good Chinese food within a rather large radius of med school here, alas). Then we all went back to their apartment and played Warcraft 3 (WC3) for a couple hours before bed.
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March 16th:

Don took the day off work (and the following day as well) to hang out with me and Jake. :-) We planned to get up early and go to the Supreme Court for a tour or something, but they woke up too late. So we just decided to quickly walk through the Supreme Court instead.

Then we went to the Capitol Building. Apparently, they recently built a visitor's center.

After that, we went to the Library of Congress. I wouldn't mind studying there . . . if there were no tourists wandering through that is.

Then we walked along the National Mall, enjoying the nice weather.

We walked quite a ways to get to Chinatown (btw, the fakest Chinatown ever), where we ate Italian food at a place called Vapiano for lunch, lol. It was good food though, and the ambiance was nice.

Leaving the fakest Chinatown in the world, we walked through the Sculpture Garden near the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History (where we went next).

That concluded our day, so we took the metro back to Virginia. We order pizza for dinner and played more WC3, and discussed our excitement over Starcraft 2 coming out this summer. :-D
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March 17th (St. Patrick's Day):

This was one of the most epic days ever for me, lol (and certainly the most exciting St. Patrick's Day for me thus far). We took the metro to Rosslyn, VA (which I think must be the deepest station in the system), where we walked to the Theodore Roosevelt Island National Memorial Park, only to find it closed. So we walked along the Potomac River, enjoying the nice weather, until we reached a bridge that spanned the river.

We walked across the bridge and went to the Lincoln Memorial.

After that, we walked countless blocks through GWU campus, through downtown DC, to DuPont Circle, where we got delicious cupcakes from a place called "Hello Cupcake." I got a Bailey's Irish cream cupcake which was really good - though I'm not entirely sure that it's worth $3/cupcake.

Then we got on the train to Adams Morgan, where we got off and walked uphill to the National Cathedral. Our feet were hurting well before this, but we just kept trudging along.

We sat outside the National Cathedral for a while, resting our feet. At which point, I saw a little kid dressed up as Superman and that totally made my day. :-)

The National Cathedral was beautiful on the inside - pictures cannot capture the beauty that my eyes saw. Also, it had surprisingly amazing acoustics.
Also, I saw a rainbow on the floor of the National Cathedral. A sign perhaps?

We trudged back downhill to the Adams Morgan station, which we took to DuPont Circle again. We were going to try this Indian restaurant there, but decided it was a bit too pricey for us. So we walked the many blocks through downtown DC back near GWU campus, where we ate at another Indian restaurant, lol. It was most delicious and filling. All that had sustained me (as well as Jake and Don) all day until then was a bowl of cereal and the cupcake we bought at DuPont Circle.

Yes, I'm aware that DuPont circle is like the "gay district" of DC, but there was no way I'd be taking two straight guys to a gay bar/club with me (on St. Patrick's Day no less!) - also, I don't really like clubbing and our feet desperately needed rest.
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March 18th:

Jake's girlfriend and Don had to work. But Jake and I got up late, and just chilled in his apartment for a bit. We had a late lunch at a Chinese restaurant nearby where they served "northern Chinese dim sum," and it reminded Jake of Beijing (where he studied abroad all of last year) street food.

After that, we wandered around the Chinese store next to it before heading back to his apartment, where we played a game of WC3 before I left DC.

2009 in Summary, 2010 Resolutions

end of the line by *Blepharopsis on deviantART

It's now the close of 2009 and the just before the beginning of 2010. Let's take a look at my 2009 Resolutions. Hmm, seems that I was quite successful on some points but woefully failed at others. Such is to be expected I suppose. Let's see how 2009 went (using the 2008 in Summary template):
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2009 in summary (and this is by no means an exhaustive list):

Winter Semester (January - April):
- Got a new roommate (or apartment-mate, I suppose). He was alright, except when he cooked, then the apartment reeked of kimchi.
- Was a GSI for the undergrad Intro to Genetics course. Was totally kick-ass at it! :-P Read about some of it here.
- Got over 10,000 views on my blog! Not particularly exciting, just being amused.
- Went to China over Spring Break with other public health students and faculty. It rocked!! Read parts I, II, III, and IV.
- Was performing poorly in research, but was able to get a second chance to redeem myself. I hope I actually did redeem myself . . .
- Worked on an epic final project with my friend, AG-F, for a class. Read about the genius here!
- Got straight A's (somehow) in all my grad school courses. Grad school wasn't so hard . . .
- Said my farewells to the city of my undergrad. :-( Pictures here.

Summer (May - August)
- Was going to travel around in China! Then the swine flu scare, and my trip got canceled. T.T
- Saw the Star Trek movie twice, lol; the first time with a friend (YY-F), the second time with another friend (SR-F) and my brothers.
- Saw Up with my brothers.
- Went to my old roommate's, AW-M's, wedding in July.

Fall Semester (Late August - December)
- Started med school.
- Volunteered at a free clinic (with pretty much all the other M1s, lol).
- Gave an obesity presentation at a nearby high school.
- Joined the LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine) student group.
- Came out to my labmate, Leslie.
- Visited SN-F in Chicago when SR-F came to visit. :-D
-> Saw Where the Wild Things Are with SR-F and the roommate.
- Got a pediatrics externship for summer 2010!!
- Finished first semester of med school. :-O
- Saw Avatar in 3D with SR-F and my brother. Good movie!
- Saw Sherlock Holmes with both my brothers. Good movie!
- Met an old friend, JR-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. JR-M had been my next-door neighbor for 7-8 years of my life.
- Met an old friend, JS-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. I had known JS-M since elementary school.

Year-Round
- Met many great (new) bloggers and have had the wonderful opportunity to chat with several of you online. You make my days and I'm so thankful for getting to know you. :-)
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2010 Resolutions

I'm going to take it easy on the resolutions this year. I'll try not to make "benchmarks" for myself.

1. Be healthier. Eat healthier, exercise at least 3-4 days/week. De-stress more. Hopefully the rest will follow.

2. Take more pictures, record more memories.

3. Keep in contact with friends. Solidify new friendships.

4. Keep up in med school. Do a bit better academically, take more advantages of certain things.

5. Pursue what may be (I hope) the beginnings of a relationship. It's a secret. Well, I guess it isn't so much now that I've mentioned it here . . . but no details for you till later. ;-)
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Now to plug some new blogs that I've recently began Following. I'm still catching up in reading all their posts, but all in due time.

A Beautifool Chaos
Frozen with a Heart on Fire
Rock James Bottom

If you haven't visited them, definitely stop by and say hi in 2010!!

Regression in the Service of Sanity

The title comes from something else that the psychiatrist who teaches our "Foundations of Human Behavior" class called "regression in the service of the ego." I liked it and thought it was fitting.

Anyway, when I study I often like to listen to classical music because lyrics distract me. Music helps me pace myself and limit how I sometimes read the same things over and over again without it going in. Last week while studying hardcore for exams I listened to quite a bit of classical music. I came across the following:

Beethoven - Symphony No. 7, Movement 2 - Allegretto.


This was the best recording I found on YouTube. The beginning is a bit too legato and it's a tad faster than my recording.

The moment I heard the opening to this piece I had a flashback moment to high school (I think sophomore year) when I played it. I was 6th chair then. I missed playing pieces like this - I missed the feeling of the strings under my fingers and the vibrations of the cello body against my legs. I missed how the subtle layers of the piece build on top of themselves, ever-gradually crescendo-ing. I missed the focus, the concentration, the intensity that music brings. It's what people would call "being in the zone," and it's been a long time since I've felt in the zone.

Hearing and smell are powerful triggers. Even though sight dominates our senses, it betrays memory the easiest in my opinion. Things visually change - houses, plants, people - all things subject to age. But smells and sounds can remain fresh. The sense of smell has the more direct tract into the brain via cranial nerve I (olfactory). There are smells that will bring back memories of when I was 3 or 4. And for me, hearing is the second most powerful memory trigger. I'll hear a song or piece and either associate it with something or be transported back to when I played it. There are very few things I truly missed about high school, but orchestra was something I dearly miss.
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For a total change of subject, a friend linked the following on Facebook:

Scrubin'


Lyrics found here.

I totally lol'd at this when I saw it. I found it hilarious!! There are subtle inside jokes there, hehe. This will be in my head when we start dissecting the thorax . . . tomorrow. Note: Rollin's and Netter's are anatomy textbooks. And my anatomy lab doesn't look anything like the anatomy lab in there.

And the following was created by med students somewhere in Canada:

Piss in my Scrubs


Oh Canadians. :-P

On To the Next Stage

Well, here I am in another state in a new apartment about half a mile away from the medical school. I arrived here Thursday night around 11pm and I'm nearly done unpacking, just a few stray items that I'm not sure where they should go. My apartment's much nicer than the last 3 apartments I've lived in. I hope my roommate and I get along great and neither of us will move for the next 4 years (I'm a little tired of moving around every year).

This move was unlike any other move. It was actually a bit difficult emotionally. Now, I'm not generally an emotional person, but tears welled up in the corners of my eyes as I packed my things earlier this week. It seemed that almost everything I touched had some lingering memory attached to it. Notes for this class, that paper I wrote, that picture I never finished drawing, that concert program, that sheet of music, etc. Everything reminded me of my last 5 years at the same university institution - the good, the bad, the friends I made, the classes I took, the professors I had, the fun I had. Truly this was goodbye.

I've always wondered why people cried at graduation, clinging to each other and embracing hugs, sobbing while trying to smile for final pictures. Now I have a small sense of what that is like. It's difficult to describe; but by leaving some things behind, by "discarding" some memories, it feels like a part of one's soul is fractured and left behind. I've lived in this one Midwestern state for the last 18 years. I've wanted to leave, perhaps escape, for a while now. I had looked forward to this day but now that it's here, it makes me sad.

Now it's time to move on. I'm not sure how much I can call this place home, but I guess home is where I am. On to the next stage, on to med school. It's only 4 years, and then to somewhere else (hopefully). Time to find my bearings, rediscover balance, and tackle everything thrown my way.
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Now for a completely different topic (because I'm too lazy to make a second post right away), a few YouTube vids that I found/was linked to by friends.

Clutter by Ronald Jenkees

This is actually a pretty cool song. It's a very ambient kind of music. I particularly like it at about 1:48 minutes in when a violin melody enters, and again at about 2:26 minutes in when the cellos bear down on their lower notes (it's a little hard to hear without good speakers/headphones).

Viva Forever

An online friend linked this to me a week or so ago. I thought it was really cute, so watch it. :)

Did You Know?

This vid is a bit of an eye-opener. It's really cool, and just a tad trippy once you absorb it all.

---TANGENT---
I'd like to say farewell to the blog Southern Inebriation. However, the author, J, started up a new blog called Be Kind Cali. So head over and check out this new iteration.
---END TANGENT---

All Shall Be Well

They say smell is one of the most ancient and primal senses. A scent can recall memory forgotten by the other 4 senses. In its own way, smells remind me that things will be okay, that all shall be well.

A while ago while leaving a friend's apartment, there was this scent in the hallway. A memory long forgotten resurfaced. I was 3 or 4, in the old apartment my family used to live in. There was a long hallway. One end opened up into the living room and a nook area where my grandma kept her plants. I used to walk around that area amongst the small trees, pretending I was exploring a forest or some exotic jungle. I remember these ceramic bird figures, there was a blue one and a pink one, in the soil. Sometimes I would clean them and replace them back, after playing with them for a bit. My grandma got annoyed at this.

The other end opened up to a long dining room and a kitchen. There was a long table in the dining room with many chairs, probably capable of seating 8 to 12 people. I would crawl under the chairs as if they formed tunnels. There were 3 bedrooms. One next to the kitchen that my uncle and aunt took, one in the long hallway near the living room that my parents took (and I as well), and one on the other side of the kitchen that my grandparents took. There was one small bathroom in the hallway. I can still vaguely remember the blue floor tiling if I tried.

I remember my small pink blanket with my name sewn in one of the corners. I always chewed/sucked on an opposing corner. I was told I couldn't sleep unless I orientated the blanket such that I could suck on that particular corner. Where that blanket is now I do not know, but I believe it's been absorbed into a quilt somewhere.

While driving home from seeing my friend today, I rolled down the windows as I entered my hometown off the freeway. There was this smell, of the surrounding trees and grass. And I knew, even if I ignored all my other senses, that I was home. It was familiar, it was warm, it was home. It's been my home for the last 17 years or so. It made me smile. And now I'll backtrack a bit.

Earlier today I went to go visit my friend, RZ-F, who just came back from China about 2 days ago. She's staying with her cousin (who lives in a city about 30-45 minutes away) until tomorrow, at which point she'll be heading back to her med school. SR-F was back on campus, where we all did our undergrad, for orientation for her pharmacy rotation, which starts on Monday. So she joined us for a movie and dinner. We watched The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was a funny movie, better than I had expected. I don't usually watch romantic comedies. I must say, the one scene where Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds were nude (no frontal, alas) was HOT. Ryan Reynolds being hotter than Sandra Bullock. >.>

Afterwards, after SR-F had to return home early, RZ-F and I talked . . . about med school and the future after that. We talked about what we wanted to do after residency and where we wanted to end up. It was good to talk to someone and work out some of my thoughts. We both agreed that times are truly rough for primary care physicians. In fact, I was listening to the radio and someone said that many primary care physicians are leaving my state because so many people are uninsured (due to the downfall of the Big Three). These doctors are barely surviving off Medicaid/Medicare, and they were going into debt because of it. Primary care physicians are actually quite poor, when all things (such as malpractice insurance, clinic office upkeep, and med school loans) are accounted for.

Too bad primary care is what I'm most likely doing (because pediatrics counts as primary care). However, I think I'll continue on with a fellowship in either medical genetics or endocrinology immediately after residency, so I have a specialty in something and it won't be so bad. Medical genetics is rather obscure, but it's fascinating and is becoming more useful/important (thank God for the Human Genome Project and the HapMap, lol). But throughout all our conversation, I've reached upon a conclusion that I've always known. I will be okay. I will survive. I can still have all I want. Some of it might take a while, but that's fine. I'm doing what in the end will make me happy - maybe not on a day-to-day basis, but in the grand scheme of things. I know my limits pretty well, I know my capabilities pretty well, and I know my study habits. Med school won't be so bad. Residency might be hell, but I'll just bear and grin it. Delayed gratification, it's a bitch.

On my way back home, I felt a small smile creep along the side of my face. In the end, all shall be well. :)

Fallen By The Wayside

Okay, there will be a lot of names in this post. And as I "codify" everyone's name (because I'm too lazy to come up with fake names), it may get confusing without a key. As a reminder, I mentioned in this post how I code people's names. And here's today's cast of characters:

KF-F: Originally pre-med but I think she's now just a biology major grad. We took organic chemistry together in our freshman year and through me she met JW-M and all his friends.

JW-M: My roommate freshman year in undergrad and my best friend in undergrad.

DJ-M: JW-M's friend from high school who went to the same university as us. I met DJ-M and became friends with him our sophomore year.

AS-M, BG-M, RS-M: Other mutual friends of mine and the people above. All of them also went to high school and university with JW-M and DJ-M.

AW-M: My old roommate for two years in undergrad. He's getting married in two weeks (I still have to buy a wedding gift).
-----
Okay, so yesterday I was talking online with DJ-M. We were talking about careers, future, life, family, etc. I mentioned how freaky it was that people our age are getting married. I said how I'm going to AW-M's wedding in two weeks and how strange that is to me.

Then DJ-M mentioned how he went to KF-F's wedding a week or two ago. AS-M, BG-M, and RS-M also went (as well as other mutual friends not mentioned). JW-M was probably invited and would've gone, if he hadn't been in China until last week. I was sad that I wasn't invited and told DJ-M how I felt I'd "fallen by the wayside." He was actually quite surprised that I wasn't invited.

I asked him how he met KF-F. He said he met her through JW-M. I asked him if he knew how KF-F and JW-M met. He didn't know and had wondered at that before. So I recounted. KF-F and I had organic chemistry (orgo) together in freshman year. We studied a lot together, hung out a lot together, and were pretty good friends. Because she hung out in my dorm room quite a bit, she met and became friends with my then roommate, JW-M. And that's how she met JW-M and through JW-M met DJ-M, AS-M, BG-M, and RS-M.

It's sad and interesting, all at the same time. I feel like I can connect and make friends easily, but I also seem to detach and drift from many friends just as easily. I don't know how or when KF-F and I drifted apart, but we did. I'm sure she didn't intentionally not invite me to her wedding, but who knows.

It feels surprisingly easy to make a friend, but much more difficult to deepen a friendship much less maintain one.

Under the Shadow of Leaves

It is a good day.

I sit on a stone bench under the shadow of leaves, the sun poking through as if light were leaking through the green canopy. Looking out, the sky is clear blue except for the presence of a few wispy clouds. The day is bright and full of colors forgotten in the seasons prior.

I close my eyes and hear the sounds of toddlers and children laughing, of students talking, of many feet walking by. I wonder, how many hundreds of thousands of people have passed this point? What were they thinking as they passed by? The birds above sing their chorus in a language I cannot decipher. Far off a group of people are playing some instruments - a guitar and some drums. Though unrefined and unpolished, the sounds mix organically into carefree music.

A breeze blows by, carrying with it the scent of approaching summer. It is the smell of leaves, of living wood, of flowers, of the stone buildings - sentinels that resist the wear of time. It is the smell of life itself, and nourishes my lungs in a way I had taken for granted. I hold out my hands and arms into the breeze, as if to slow it down or capture it. Instead, the invisible force flows up over and down under my arms. It flows between my fingers, eddying slightly and briefly into an almost tangible ball in the palm of my hands. It feels as though I was almost able to grasp the breath of the world.

Something speaks to me, faint just beyond the detection of my senses. I see nothing, hear no words, smell no source, touch no object - but it is there. It surrounds me like an emotion but is not an emotion. Suddenly it feels as if things will be okay. And all those times I have tried to believe, to rationally seek answers to the mysteries, to understand that which cannot be tested, all this does not matter. It is there, it is here, and somehow I know things will be okay.

I open my eyes and walk away from my stone bench, away out from under the shadow of leaves. I am cloaked in the day and the moment and the world and this mystery. I will be okay.

It is a good day.
-----
A small prose passage. A memory - a snapshot capturing what I feel on the best of days. It is curious how I never expect it but always welcomed, replenishing my inner strength.

You may have noticed my new blog title banner thing. I'd like to give a HUGE shout out to J of Southern Inebriation for designing it for me at my request (he's an art major, can you tell?). I will explain the 5 panels of this banner from the left to the right:

The first panel is of Chinese opera masks and the Great Wall. It represents my background: being Chinese, culture and language has been a huge influence in my life (sometimes good, sometimes bad). The second panel is of a stethoscope on a book. It represents my future, my goals and aspirations: for a long time I have worked my ass off towards getting into medical school and (hopefully) I will come out poised to be an excellent doctor. The third panel you should all recognize as the smiley face banner I had previously. It represents outlet and others: it is this blog and all of you who read, and all of you I talk to. The fourth panel is of a flower I took while visiting a clinic in China. It represents life: I was a biology major in undergrad not primarily because it's the "easiest" path to medical school, but because it can give one an appreciation for life - for all its complexities, and mysteries, and frailty, and endurance. The last panel is of a ghostly mask of sorts. It represents conflict and struggle: all the uncertainty and frustration that being bi/gay brings and a kind of loneliness that comes with an inability to find "the one."

Finally, to conclude this post, I would like to give a shout out to the following 3 blogs that I've had the pleasure to read fully on. They may need no introduction as many of you already read them, but if not, do go over and say hi! And they are:

Enjoying the Journey
Hellogenation
Overrated Integrity

Disenchanted Summer

I remember the days when I longed for summer, practically dreaming of it. I remember the excitement of the last day of classes - those days were filled with joy and laughter. I would go home and play in the backyard with my next-door neighbors. Those were long enchanted afternoons of fun, of running outdoors, of make-believe games and adventure. Each day felt like it dragged on and our play was extended with the growing hours of daylight.

In middle school and high school this waned, but summer was still a time to look forward to. Usually there would be a vacation planned - some relative to visit in another state, or a road trip within the state. Days passed slowly but that was alright. Things began to change senior year of high school. That summer was the summer of disenchantment. This was it - the last summer of our childhood, possibly the last summer that I would see all my friends concentrated in one place.

Every summer since then has progressively gotten worse. While each day seemed to crawl by time still flew. Summers were spent working in the lab and I didn't have much time to see old friends. Heck, I didn't have much time to do what I wanted to do personally. Whether in the lab or at home, each summer has been a constant reminder of the forward progression of time. That there's a "next step" after this summer, and another after that. Summer has become a pause between breathes.

In effect, summers have slowly lost their allure and luster. Last summer was pretty bad, as I said farewell to many graduating friends and anxiously awaited my fate in placement into med school. This summer is worse. To have my last real chance at travel taken away from me, with little to do at home without a car as a means of transportation, and few friends in town - the days become a stupor. And yet, even in the past I've always begged for summer to end, I want this summer to drag on just a little longer. Because once med school starts, I will become indentured to the system for at least the next 7 years.

Disenchantment, it's a bitch.

---TANGENT---
Many blogs have disappeared or gone inactive of late. I wonder, what's the "shelf life" of a typical blog here? It seems that few last little more than a year. I wonder, since I started my blog in 2007, are my days numbered here?

Anyway, farewell to the following, as their blogs are removed:

coming out (on the net)
gay+teen+sydney
Minding the Heart
A Bi Boy's Pic Blog

And the following haven't updated in a long time (please update and let us know what's happened to you):

Life of one gay/bi boy
Life On The DL
---END TANGENT---

Pathetique

Beethoven's Piano Sonata Op. 13 No. 8 in C minor. Aka, "Pathetique." To think that such a piece would have such an influence on me. C minor even became one of my favorite keys after playing it. I didn't know then how well the piece would reflect me now.

When I first learned the piece, I didn't understand or appreciate the significance of C minor in Beethoven's pieces. C minor was typically Beethoven's chosen key to be "powerful and emotionally stormy." Thus, the first time I played the opening chords of the first movement I did not hear the approaching storm, but rather the vanishing sun - I did not hear the suffering, but the remnants of hope. I was instructed to feel the power and the storm: to feel the suffering and the pain of the piece. But how could I, when I hadn't really experienced anything that could be called "suffering" at that point in my life? What little I knew and could understand I channeled into that piece.

Here's an interpretation that's actually somewhat similar to mine:


So what is the point of this post? That I'm beginning to feel a little like how the piece is intended to be. That I feel a storm coming inside me - ironic how it's thunderstorming like crazy outside here right now. It's funny because when my path is "set," that's when I feel most stagnant and lost.

I just RSVP'd to AW-M's, my old roommate's, wedding in July. I RSVP'd to go single. This serves as a constant reminder that I'm getting older and have yet to be in any kind of actual romantic/sexual relationship. Heck, I'm still a virgin in many ways (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). I mean, it's just like, "Wow, I know people my age who are engaged and are getting married." I just feel a little depressed by all this. I'm not sure what I feel but it's like a kind of pressure over my chest.

I'm not sure what the cause is. Perhaps I'm too eclectic to be in a relationship. Perhaps I'm too picky. Perhaps I don't have a confident enough personality or attractive enough (and what muscle definition I had gained in the last 2-3 years is slowly fading, goddamnit). Perhaps I'm not ready. Perhaps I'm scared. I talk to some people online (not all are bloggers) and sometimes a part of me thinks, "Why are you so far away? Why can't I meet you in person? Why can't we be friends and/or something more?"

If I had one wish: I wish love would find me - that it'd fall right on my head. I wish someone would take the initiative with me because I'm not sure I know how or even that I can bring myself to right now. Right now, my blog and I are "pathetique."

I apologize for this rant/whine-fest.

The Things You Might Miss

We move ever quicker through life; the older we get, the quicker time seems to flow. If we were to slow down, would we know what to do with ourselves? What have you missed and passed by through life? Did you even notice?

The things you might miss, what will you see when you look:

Across the street?

Up?

To the Left?

To the Right?

Around the corner?

Down?

On your way to work?

In a corner?

On a fire hydrant?

Upon leaving the library?

After getting a quick drink and bite?

Randomly?

Yes, I'm glad I slowed down enough to see the hidden things before my eyes. I will miss this city. Chances are the next time I walk its streets, these scenes will be erased or replaced by others. All the more reason to value these snapshots in time.