Mask of Loneliness

Loneliness by *MikaTrta on deviantART

Of all the ways to express loneliness, why have I chosen a picture of the empty park bench above? The world around it is bright and sunny, the trees and grass a luscious green, people and life moving about in the background. Precisely because it's the kind of loneliness I'm experiencing . . . and have been all along.

That bench is like my Mask of Loneliness. It sits there, alone, in a vibrant world waiting for someone to occupy it and linger for a while. To a passerby it doesn't appear "sad" or "happy," it simply is. Only when one takes pause to notice and contemplate the situation can one appreciate the loneliness. And so too it is with me. My Mask of Loneliness often appears invisible, even when worn directly in front of you. I'm surrounded by friends and peers. I have few enemies and I get along with most anyone. I wear my Mask of Smiles even when I don't feel like it. I can now interact and blend in so flawlessly that you'll probably never notice that I'm alone.

But I notice. I feel the Mask of Loneliness on my face. I'm painfully aware that several of my friends are now married, at least one of whom now have kids. Though I don't show it, I'm actually rather awkward when I'm one of maybe 3 people in a group who're single. And though you don't notice it, I don't really care to hear about your relationship problems with your girl/boyfriend/spouse.

And no matter how much I tell myself that we all go at our own pace, how I still have time, how my busy-ness is only "for now," I can feel this Mask begin to harden on my face. It is, after all, partly my fault. I don't make a particularly concerted effort to "get out there." And the longer I wait, the more excuses I make and the easier it becomes to make them.

Lately I've begun to feel that I'm "undatable." I hung out with Drew on Sunday (he's seeing someone else now, figures) and it was . . . rather awkward. Neither of us had any particularly good conversation topics. We were just on two completely different pages the whole time. I felt like I had become so one-dimensional as the conversation topics I brought back either drew from a subset of things I knew well or otherwise drifted towards the medical. Even I wouldn't date me.

Lol, I suppose I've become more like that park bench than I thought. At first glance, I'm just made of wood - one-dimensional. But if you happen to come closer, you'll see the words etched into that wood and read the stories of my past, present, and future. And it's not like I'm intentionally hiding, I'm right here in front of you! I hope you linger a bit and keep me company, and take from me my Mask of Loneliness.

Until then, may this quote ring true:

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Yes, I've used that quote before in this post (if you recall).

Mediocrity

mediocrity by ~seven20 on deviantART

In grade school (K-12), I was always at the top of my class. I was pretty good at everything (except gym) and the world was full of endless possibilities. In undergrad, I understood that few people are truly Renaissance men. I learned where my strengths were and I knew where my limits were, in some cases hitting that unmovable wall. In grad school, the world - while more limited - was still full of potential. I learned what I loved and I learned what I could excel at.

In med school, I am mediocre. During M1 and M2 years I did pretty average on exams. Actually, no, I often did below the class average (though, my end grade was "average"). Even the classes that I had a solid background in and did above average I usually was still not among the top. But this didn't deter me as I had come to learn that grades don't necessarily equate with how well you know, understand, and appreciate the material. Then on the USMLE Step 1 exam I did below national average. While this was a hit, I eventually shrugged it off because I still passed, which was what truly mattered. Plus, since I would likely be going into pediatrics (or possibly internal medicine or both), it didn't matter SO much as long as I passed.

Surely come M3 year, with largely subjective evaluations, I should do better! Alas, it appears that I'm still relegated to being mediocre. It seems no matter how hard I try, how hard I study, how excited and motivated I appear, how much I care for my patients, I am only "mediocre." I am only "average." And this befuddles me. Here I am compared against my peers, many of whom I KNOW do not care for their patients in the same way that I care for mine, and yet we end up with the same grade (and sometimes they do better than me). What gives?!

I'm kind of afraid. I really really wanted to excel on my pediatrics rotation. I've mustered every ounce of excitement, enthusiasm, motivation, genuine care for my patients, willingness to do scut work (aka, the residents' bitch work), willingness to receive feedback to improve . . . and yet I'm not sure I can make it out with more than "average." I'm afraid that no matter how hard I try I will remain in the same place.

I am tired from my months on medicine and surgery. I've worked my ass off in hopes that I'm able to mask my exhaustion and put on a face of enthusiasm. And I honestly did care for my patients. I don't know what else I could do, I don't know what other well of strength I can draw from.

As I talked to my friend, he said the following to me:

"Don't feel defeated, you passed and you are a bad ass med school person. You're like, proving yourself beyond 99.9999% of all people in the world. Can't get too upset about that last 0.00001%."

I always loved him for his perspective on things.

Welcome To Life

Newborn Egg by !Kikariz on deviantART

Welcome to this thing called life. Open your eyes and see the love that brought you into this world. Sleep in the arms that embrace you, linger in childhood while you can, but grow up strong and healthy. You are full of the world's hopes and potential - you can become anything! What will you choose to be? You won't remember me, what with me prodding and poking you. But I hope my thoughts are etched into your heart: I wish you the best on this journey called life and I hope you are equipped with the love and the help to get through anything.
-----
I just spent the last 2 days in the newborn nursery. I had the opportunity to examine a baby less than 48 hours old. The mom handed him over to me, trusting me unequivocally that I wouldn't hurt him. He peeked at me through suspicious eyelids and went back to his tenuous sleep. Of all the people to have examined him in his brief existence, he tolerated me the best. I believe there aren't many people who have "the touch," or the ability to connect with babies in a way that they tolerate you poking and prodding them (they're still not happy, but they'll tolerate you); I'm hoping that I've got it. Really, there was only one baby who didn't tolerate me, but that was because he was fairly sick.

There is something about holding a newborn. It's the feeling of holding unadulterated potential in your arms - something so fragile and yet resilient. I mean, come on, the childbirth process is rather traumatic (for both mother and child).

And so it is that I thought the above in my head as I laid him in his bassinet next to his mom and left the room. The odds of me seeing him are next to nil, but all the same - welcome to life.

Darkness Before Dawn

Scrubs by ~Tjelsi on deviantART

For the past week or so I have been getting up between 4:15am and 5:30am so I can be in the hospital and ready to go between 5:00am and 6:30am. More often than not it's dark when I wake up and it's still dark by the time I walk in the hospital. Surgery rotation has begun in full. And I hate it. I knew this coming in, but I truly do dislike surgery.

To be fair, surgery is actually rather cool and most of the people have been surprisingly nice: chief resident - amazing, intern - really nice, attending surgeons - amazing, nurses - really amazing. As a med student, I don't get to do a whole lot in one sense. I hold the retractors (aka, the "learning sticks") a lot to keep the surgical sites open, I got to stitch once, I get to cut sutures, and I help dress wounds. Nothing particularly exciting. Although I must say that operating the camera for laproscopic procedures is pretty darn cool. I've decided that laproscopic procedures are my favorite (and quicker recovery for the patients too!). Our other major responsibility is keeping "the List" updated. The List is a list of all our surgical patients in the hospital, and we have to update it every morning with the 3 sets of vitals over the last 24 hours.

That said, my experience has been sullied mostly because I have to wake up before dawn every day (NOT cool) and "work" 12 hours most days. This week alone I've been in the hospital in some fashion for over 60 hours (a "light" week, and only 20 hours shy of the residents' work hour restriction). Also, one of my residents is rather cold towards the med students and frankly, kind of a bitch. I don't use that term lightly.

Today she was:
1. Very dismissive of me. Nothing I reported (other than vitals) seemed to matter to her. After we finished rounding on our patients and she was covering for another team, I went to touch base with her and let her know that I was going to do some charting and such. Her response before I could get more than 3 words in were, "Is this urgent? I'm busy, I do NOT have time for this right now. I don't have time for you right now."
2. Very rude to me and the nurses. In the elevator she complained to one of the attending physicians how the nurses aren't properly caring for one of our patients. Now I can't say if that's true or not, but ya know, nurses have a tough job too! Stop being so stuck up.
3. Was unprofessional towards an emergency department physician. The ED doc called us for a consult on a guy with a hernia. She basically chewed him out for not knowing how to "reduce" a hernia and told him to read a textbook, as that's knowledge that he should've learned as a med student. Then she sent me down to see the patient. I was able to reduce the hernia (yay!).

It took a lot of self-control not to talk back to her and be like, "No, you do have 20-30 seconds for me because I'm your student. I'm trying to learn, I'm getting work done, and I just wanted to keep you updated on what I'm doing. I'm trying to get work done FOR YOU so we don't have to stay any longer than necessary." Argh. I really dislike working with her. At least in the OR (operating room) she's not in any position to chew me out.

I'm counting down the days to my next rotation. I'm so done with surgery and I'm only a little over a week into it! I HATE waking up to the darkness before dawn. I HATE standing for hours on end in the OR (my feet, back, and shoulders get sore). And I HATE having work with this resident who gives us such attitude, and I have to work with her for the entirety of this month! Ugh. I miss medicine. And I CANNOT WAIT until pediatrics come November. And I've come to realize that I enjoy talking to my patients more than operating on them. I'll linger a little longer than perhaps I should each time I talk to one of my patients.

At least this one patient I saw today was super nice towards me. As we were waiting for the attending surgeon to come fix his wounds, he told me that the surgeons are great and great teachers (all true). And then I must've had this look on my face, cuz then he told me how glad he was to see so many fresh young people going into medicine and that I'll be a good doctor one day.

The One to Make Me Dance?

The dance by *klairy on deviantART

Today I drove about 4 hours to make it to my friend's wedding. In fact, my best friend from undergrad and my roommate freshman year. But more about that later when I've returned home and had time to process the pics I took a bit more.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, but I always have mixed feelings during every wedding I attend. On the one hand, I'm really happy for the new couple and the potential of their lives together. But on the other hand, I'm also rather sad for myself and still being so so single. This is only accented during the dancing portion of the reception, which I utterly dread.

First all, I feel rather awkward with/in my own body (hands aside - years of playing the piano and cello have mediated that, lol). And second, I usually don't have anyone to dance with because I attend most of the wedding solo too; and if I did have someone to dance with, I'm also not sure what to do. It's all just a really awkward moment for me unless I've had 4+ shots of alcohol within the last 30 minutes or so, haha.

I'm still looking for that one person who can make me dance and not feel like an utter fool. Where is this person who can motivate me onto the dance floor and dance with them (or at all)? A part of me is sick of just sitting on the sidelines waiting. And a part of me is just too comfortable not exposing myself like that on the dance floor. I mean, I even feel embarrassed attempting to dance in the privacy of my own apartment!
-----
Anyway, on an unrelated note, Drew is now single. Again. Things didn't work out between him and his boyfriend and they broke up on friendly terms. It's been about 2 weeks since the break-up. In the intervening time, at least 3-4 guys have asked him out on dates, all of whom he had soundly rejected. For good reason! They should've given him at least 2 weeks to get over his last boyfriend - such quick rebound is good for no one.

But now 2 weeks are up. I don't know if I should make any kind of move while this window is still temporarily open. I don't want to be yet another guy asking him out on a date as I think that'd hurt our friendship (or at least make things a tad awkward in the future).

What I really want to do is just ask him if he'd ever consider dating me. And depending on his response I'd then ask him out (or not). But I also feel like it's cheesy to do that. Yet again, I don't want to be "yet another guy." Argh. What to do?!

I may ask him if he's free to hang out this coming Thursday afternoon/evening (because that's the earliest time during this week that I know I have some time off from rotations). I could ask him on the spot then. If he said yes things would actually work out nicely because I get my Step 1 board exam score this Wednesday, so he'd be either celebrating or commiserating with me depending on my score, lol.

He's one of the few people I've met who doesn't fail to make me smile and laugh when we hang out. I really enjoy spending time with him even as just friends. He may be one who can make me dance, lol. Argh, I don't want to mess this up. What should I do? Would things work out anyway since we're both so busy? :-/

Leave Your Mark

Afterburn by `creativ82 on deviantART

It always amazes me how some people can have such an impact on others.

A couple weeks ago I attended a dinner event to which I invited Dr. H and his team to be some of the speakers. He's just as inspiring to me as always. I asked (innocently) the panel about how we as medical providers may help patients adhere to various treatment regimens. At that, the neurosurgeon present called me naive, how we can't change people's behaviors, and how we have to meet patients where they are. Instantly Dr. H took over and agreed that we needed to meet patients where they are. Some patients aren't ready to adhere to a treatment regimen, but what we must do is to help them prepare for the day that they are ready. It's more important that they see us and stay "plugged in" to the health system than to demand them to take their drugs.

I also attended a lunch talk by an MD/MBA about his journey in getting a dual-degree. I love hearing docs with dual-degrees speak because it usually tends to reinvigorate my desire to finish my MPH (which I still fully intend on doing).
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A few days ago I attended the state medical society's annual meeting in the state capital. At this meeting, resolutions are debated, recommendations are made, and then resolutions are voted on. We, the medical students, have made some great changes to the state medical society's policies on a variety of things.

One student put forth an anti-bullying policy that explicitly states the position to oppose bullying in all its forms (including against LGBTQ individuals), and to encourage and support school anti-bullying training programs for students, parents, teachers, counselors, coaches, etc. The specific inclusion of the LGBTQ wording caught some controversy from a few physicians, as they felt it detracted from the "oppose bullying in all its forms." On the floor of the House of Delegates, there were some amazing testimonies from students and physicians in support of keeping the language. One physician (a plastic surgeon) stated that LGBTQ must be included in the resolution as is because, unfortunately, many people still don't see bullying against that population as a legitimate issue. And a med student said that, while LGBTQ students are bullied about as much as any other student, the severity of the bullying may be worse. In the end, the resolution was adopted.

My resolution was adopted without opposition (which is rather rare). I "merely" reworded the hospital non-discrimination policy to include: sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religious beliefs, and disability. The original wording only included class, means, age, and gender. While this resolution may seem like a minor thing, it's really quite significant. With this, it means that every hospital in the state must be that much more inclusive in their non-discrimination policy.

There were other resolutions that we fought for. In retrospect, words can't quite convey the importance of what we were able to accomplish. To be able to, as a med student, change the state medical society's policy and stance on things is pretty impressive.

Change is possible. We are leaving our mark.

Operation: Dragon

Blue Dragon. by *Amisgaudi on deviantART

Spring Break never lasts long enough. I only achieved about 1/3 of what I set out to do. :-/

Anyway, "Phase 2" will soon commence. Operation: Phoenix was a partial success, but now to begin Operation: Dragon. In many ways, it'll be similar to Operation: Phoenix only more intense, lol. Goals:

1. Be in bed by 12:45am (12:30am apparently was not feasible)
2. Wake up by 8:30am (8:00am apparently was also not feasible)
3. Continue the P90X program
4. Actually be serious about my diet
5. Buy a Qbank for the USLME Step 1 board exam and begin hardcore studying
6. Other

So I took a few pictures on Day 1 of P90X and like, Day 42-ish. I didn't think I'd see a huge difference but I was surprised! Now, I'm nowhere close to the amazing bodies I've seen people accomplish on the program, but the progress for me was visible (if only a tad subtle). I also apparently lost about 6-8 lbs, which was kinda surprising too. Unfortunately, I've kind of taken the last 2.5 weeks off so I'm going to restart the program from the middle of Phase 2 (instead of going right ahead to Phase 3). I'm hoping for better results this time around! (Sorry, no before and during pics for you all, hehe - still pretty self-conscious about that.)

As for diet, sigh, my body's stupid. -_- I just had my physical check-up at the beginning of the week and apparently, my triglycerides are about 2x normal. Everything else is good though. How does that happen?! o_O Apparently, I should eat fewer sweets, fewer carbs, and drink fewer alcoholic beverages. But . . . I don't eat that many sweets (generally), I don't eat that many carbs (usually), and I seldom drink. Granted, I did eat a lot of gummy bears when I'm at my friend's place in the last 3-4 weeks and I did have a few beers to celebrate a friend's b-day right before break, maybe that's the cause? Hmmm. Weird.

I've really got to get on studying hardcore for the board exam. Got to buy a Qbank and do 10-20 questions a night until May, at which point I'll have to kick it up several notches. Also, I must review my books for that exam a bit more in-depth now.

Lastly, Drew is on Spring Break this coming week and my week is fairly lax. Meaning, we will (somehow) find a way to meet each other this coming week. I've promised him a back massage, lol. I did also take a rein-check on a blowjob he offered like 3 weeks ago, but I'm not holding him to that (not right now, anyway). :-P

Mask of Ideas

i used to have great ideas by *Formor on deviantART

"We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them."

I just watched V for Vendetta (finally) last night. It's definitely one of the best movies I've seen. I can't believe it's taken me this long to watch it! I love the premise of the movie. That an idea can be so powerful and consuming is certainly thought-provoking.

And so I ask: what was the last idea that you felt was worth fighting for? The last idea that was worth risking something for? Sacrificing something for?

While there are few ideas of mine that involve much risk, ideas have been consuming my time of late. Before this year, I never considered myself an advocate of much. There were few ideas that I felt passionate about to actively champion. But here I am, advocating for change and improvement. That ideas can be so enrapturing and form a mask is very real.

As I may have alluded to in the last few posts (or maybe not, I don't know), the idea of "diversity" has become my cause. Diversity competency has been slipping from the medical curriculum here, and that's not a good thing. It's such an easy thing to cut since with advances in medicine, there's more to learn and as they saying goes, "Something's gotta give." But as the patient population becomes more diverse, we must be keeping pace with being comfortable and competent to treat any patient that walks through our doors. As such, I've been working with the Office of Diversity, with the student Diversity Committee, with other students in the AMA (American Medical Association) to push for resolutions in the state medical society, and within my own student organizations.

And I never imagined I'd be doing what I am now, that this would be my idea and cause. I always thought that someone else with greater passion than I would take care of it. Clearly it hasn't been done, and so I step up.

But in that same quote above, follows the next line:

"But you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it or hold it. Ideas do not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love."

And this makes me wonder. What am I missing/sacrificing? That line rings true. I can't kiss, touch, or hold my ideas. They're intangible thoughts and only their actions can be become manifest, not them themselves. And sadly, I haven't experienced this thing known as "romantic love." I don't really know how to go about it. I run into walls and barriers every time I try. Have I, perhaps, diverted that energy towards an idea/cause bigger than myself instead? Who knows.

And coming back from school today, I thought to myself: what is the idea behind our white coats? What does it mean and symbolize? All I see is something that gets dirty incredibly easily but fortunately has a ton of utility (in its many pockets). The white coat doesn't make me better or smarter than anyone else, I am no different, it doesn't make me impervious to anything, so is there an idea behind there that I can rally behind?

Because you see, in pediatrics, few people (residents and beyond) wear their white coats and they often seem relieved to not have to . . .

Such existential questions behind this mask.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Zodiac The Rabbit by ~Dei--dara on deviantART
新年快乐！恭喜发财！身体健康！

So yeah, I hope everyone had a great day. More posts coming soon (I hope)!! :-P

Sentimental?

I.

Sometimes I like to wake up at the crack of dawn, before pretty much anyone else. On these days, I like to watch the orange glow of the sun force the creeping shadows of night into retreat. I like to walk around town before almost anyone else, and see the shops just beginning to open. People slowly fill the sidewalks and cars slowly fill the streets. People exit doors with coffee in hand. Now the sun is higher up and washes the cement in yellow light.

Sometimes I like to stay in on a rainy day. I like to avoid the gloom and dreariness of going out on such afternoons. I would cut up some strawberries and sit, curled by my laptop or TV, eating the strawberries slowly. It would be nice to have someone with me, to share my strawberries with.

Sometimes I like to stand outside at sunset, with my eyes closed, feeling the wind in my hair and on my skin, feeling the soft fading heat of the sun on my face. I would take a deep breath, inhaling deeply, smelling the grass, the trees, the flowers, the springtime. As I walk pass trees, I would look above me and take note of the green leaves and the small flowers that most people would miss - like the pale green flowers of maples. Sometimes I would pause to take a closer look, and see if the tree was a male, a female, or both.

Sometimes I like to take a walk in the summer night, the cool air and darkness around me. The moon and stars adorned above, and streetlamps to guide my way. There's a kind of solace in being awake and out at this hour, a kind of silence only broken by the chirp of crickets. I would walk slowly, taking in the night before I too drift off to sleep and the world of dreams.

And so I ask, who's with me? And so I ask, will you join me? And for this, my friend called me sentimental. And so I ask, am I?
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II.

So I friended Drew (Online Guy #2) on Facebook a while back. We've been chatting intermittently back and forth. He seems very busy, so our conversations have been very short. Apparently, he's been dating some guy for 3-4 months now. But then they broke up. And got back together yesterday/today. And will be breaking up (for good?) again today/tomorrow. I don't know what to think, do, or say. I'll just sit this one out and see what happens. All I know is that I felt pretty down this morning when I saw on Facebook that he had gotten back together. And after he (very briefly) cried to me how unhappy he is in the relationship with that guy, and how he wants to break up for good, I'm not sure what I feel.

He seems like a genuinely cool guy, from the brief conversations we've had. He's intelligent, kind of eclectic (which I like), kind of goofy, but really busy. But then again, I suppose I am too. Alas, a fool I was to think he was single (though, on that dating site he said he was - I guess he just never bothered/forgot to change it).

Where does my bad luck come from? I pursue one person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're not interested except as friends. And him: taken, single, taken, maybe (hopefully) single? But I don't know how to handle this - as if I have much time to care, what with finals coming up in 2-3 weeks. After finals, then I'll see what the situation is then. Perhaps then he'll be less busy, and we may actually meet in person?
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III.

I spent a bunch of time organizing the school sites for the 2 groups I'm president/co-president for. In a few hours, I've pretty much got things how I want them.

I created a banner for the LGBTPM site. I didn't like the sheer rainbow-ness of many of the pictures. So instead I decided to create a collage of sorts, with each letter being its own color. Unfortunately, green was pretty difficult to come by. But I think I got something that works:

(click to enlarge)

"L" for the orange smiley faces. "G" for the "yellow" pair of hands washing. "B" for the world and tolerance (my substitute for green). "T" for the purplish transgender symbol. "P" for people around a red heart. And "M" for medicine as symbolized by the stethoscope. Eh, it looks alright, right?
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IV.

When my roommate came back earlier today, he convinced me to go watch Iron Man 2 with him instead of my original plan to study cardiovascular physiology. Good change in plans, lol. I thought it was a pretty decent sequel, once one realizes that sequels are almost never as good or better than the first movie. On its own, a pretty solid movie, in my opinion.

After that, we went "tie shopping" because I wanted some new ties. I'm rather sick of my 5 ties, 2 of which I rarely wear. But ties are more expensive than I thought. I mean, seriously, $50 a tie?! Even at half off that's a bit more than I'd be willing to pay. Bleh.

I guess I'll ask my brother when he goes to Hong Kong over the summer (actually, in a few days) to bring back some ties for me. I also want to buy 1-2 more dress shirts, but I'll wait a bit before doing that. Alas, because I don't have an iron, I must seek out these "wrinkle free" shirts.

Later, I made some bread pudding with raspberries and Bailey's (as a substitute for heavy cream). I was met with success. :-P Then my roommate and I had a "wine and cheese" moment, where we downed 2/3 of a bottle of Chardonnay while eating Muenster and Havarti cheese, as well as raspberries. I don't know why he wants to save the little remaining 1/3 for tomorrow, but whatever.

And now our internet is broken. BLARG!! Right now we're bumming off someone else's internet. Their fault for leaving their network unsecured, lol. My roommate called customer service, and as expected, they were no help; also, no one would be able to come by and take a look until Wednesday. So if I'm not online (much) in the next 2-3 days, you'll know why.

Under the Shadow of Leaves

It is a good day.

I sit on a stone bench under the shadow of leaves, the sun poking through as if light were leaking through the green canopy. Looking out, the sky is clear blue except for the presence of a few wispy clouds. The day is bright and full of colors forgotten in the seasons prior.

I close my eyes and hear the sounds of toddlers and children laughing, of students talking, of many feet walking by. I wonder, how many hundreds of thousands of people have passed this point? What were they thinking as they passed by? The birds above sing their chorus in a language I cannot decipher. Far off a group of people are playing some instruments - a guitar and some drums. Though unrefined and unpolished, the sounds mix organically into carefree music.

A breeze blows by, carrying with it the scent of approaching summer. It is the smell of leaves, of living wood, of flowers, of the stone buildings - sentinels that resist the wear of time. It is the smell of life itself, and nourishes my lungs in a way I had taken for granted. I hold out my hands and arms into the breeze, as if to slow it down or capture it. Instead, the invisible force flows up over and down under my arms. It flows between my fingers, eddying slightly and briefly into an almost tangible ball in the palm of my hands. It feels as though I was almost able to grasp the breath of the world.

Something speaks to me, faint just beyond the detection of my senses. I see nothing, hear no words, smell no source, touch no object - but it is there. It surrounds me like an emotion but is not an emotion. Suddenly it feels as if things will be okay. And all those times I have tried to believe, to rationally seek answers to the mysteries, to understand that which cannot be tested, all this does not matter. It is there, it is here, and somehow I know things will be okay.

I open my eyes and walk away from my stone bench, away out from under the shadow of leaves. I am cloaked in the day and the moment and the world and this mystery. I will be okay.

It is a good day.
-----
A small prose passage. A memory - a snapshot capturing what I feel on the best of days. It is curious how I never expect it but always welcomed, replenishing my inner strength.

You may have noticed my new blog title banner thing. I'd like to give a HUGE shout out to J of Southern Inebriation for designing it for me at my request (he's an art major, can you tell?). I will explain the 5 panels of this banner from the left to the right:

The first panel is of Chinese opera masks and the Great Wall. It represents my background: being Chinese, culture and language has been a huge influence in my life (sometimes good, sometimes bad). The second panel is of a stethoscope on a book. It represents my future, my goals and aspirations: for a long time I have worked my ass off towards getting into medical school and (hopefully) I will come out poised to be an excellent doctor. The third panel you should all recognize as the smiley face banner I had previously. It represents outlet and others: it is this blog and all of you who read, and all of you I talk to. The fourth panel is of a flower I took while visiting a clinic in China. It represents life: I was a biology major in undergrad not primarily because it's the "easiest" path to medical school, but because it can give one an appreciation for life - for all its complexities, and mysteries, and frailty, and endurance. The last panel is of a ghostly mask of sorts. It represents conflict and struggle: all the uncertainty and frustration that being bi/gay brings and a kind of loneliness that comes with an inability to find "the one."

Finally, to conclude this post, I would like to give a shout out to the following 3 blogs that I've had the pleasure to read fully on. They may need no introduction as many of you already read them, but if not, do go over and say hi! And they are:

Enjoying the Journey
Hellogenation
Overrated Integrity

The Things You Might Miss

We move ever quicker through life; the older we get, the quicker time seems to flow. If we were to slow down, would we know what to do with ourselves? What have you missed and passed by through life? Did you even notice?

The things you might miss, what will you see when you look:

Across the street?

Up?

To the Left?

To the Right?

Around the corner?

Down?

On your way to work?

In a corner?

On a fire hydrant?

Upon leaving the library?

After getting a quick drink and bite?

Randomly?

Yes, I'm glad I slowed down enough to see the hidden things before my eyes. I will miss this city. Chances are the next time I walk its streets, these scenes will be erased or replaced by others. All the more reason to value these snapshots in time.

Too Epic

Yesterday was epic. Too epic. I'm actually still reeling from the epic-ness.

I was pretty tired from getting only 5 hours of sleep between Saturday and Monday, and 4 hours of sleep between Monday and Tuesday. So, because I didn't have class on Wednesday, I decided to catch up on some sleep. Then I headed down to campus. I met up with my friend, AG-F. After lunch, it began.

Starting at 1pm, we began to crank out the remainder of our final paper/project. It was due at midnight. So, from 1pm until then we worked almost non-stop. I had 1.5 hours of office hours, and we took a break to grab dinner and ate while we worked. I must've written over 25 pages (double-spaced) yesterday.

When we started yesterday, I had written my half of the paper (about 10-12 pages, double-spaced) and AG-F had only written about 2-3 pages. My half still needed serious editing, which I accomplished by about 6pm. I had drafted several of the figures we needed. We had our project planned out, we just need to consolidate all our loose sheets and mental notes into writing.

9pm came and went. We were almost done with the paper, in the final stages of editing.

10pm came and went, the paper was done except for the bibliography. AG-F goes to the computer and creates the bibliography while I type up the summary and concept documents of our project.

11pm comes and goes, we're still working on it, ever closer to finishing.

11:40pm-ish comes, and we still needed one figure. AG-F took my student ID card and dashed to the other side of the building to use the scanner and upload our last figure.

11:55pm comes, and I'm uploading our documents to an email to the professor. AG-F runs back, out of breath, and I tell her that she can relax now - it was all going to be okay.

11:58pm comes, AG-F stares at the time on her cell phone, and I hit "Send." It was (essentially) done.

By the time everything we completely said and done, it was about 1am. We had wanted to get a drink to celebrate this feat, but since the bars and clubs tend to close at 2am here (and we had work the next day), we decided that we'll postpone that until this weekend.
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What was this final paper and project? Well, that's also epic! Our paper was on the utilization of video games for genetics education. Games that currently feature genetics (e.g. SimLife, Spore, BioShock) are woefully inaccurate in their portrayal of genetics. Thus, we wanted to analyze the educational potential of video games, particular for science and specifically genetics.

Once we knew what our teaching goals and "game goals" were, we wanted to create the concept for a video game that centers on genetics as our project. We decided upon a MMORPG kind of game. You are a field agent of the government, and you work for the Federal Division of Genetics. Your mission is to investigate the suspicious activities of a massive biobanking and biotech company. This company is "morally gray" throughout the entire game.

The company is also the creator of the Platywi, an organism that's kind of like a cross between a platypus and a kiwi. Throughout the game, you determine the genetic inheritance patterns of various Platywi traits (e.g. Mendelian, codominance, incomplete dominance, continuous, X-linked, Y-linked, epistasis, etc) and map the traits to the Platywi chromosomes. You also discover a hidden message/password hidden in the Platywi genome.

Within this game we wanted to model various different kinds of inheritance patterns, some of which are directly modeled after human traits/genetic diseases. We wanted our game to be marketable to a diverse audience, rather than have it be a in-class video game. There are many references to biology and genetics, particularly in the way we named things. There are far more details that I'm not disclosing in this post, precisely because I don't want our idea to be ripped off by some random visitor to my blog. Of course, we were only able to come up with the rough and bare-boned concept for this game, but it was quite enjoyable nonetheless.

I'll leave you with a couple figures that I created for this final paper/project.

Platywi chromosome map

Platywi concept art

Day 2: Long Goodbye

Day 2 will follow a similar style as Day 1. In some ways, Day 2 was much better.

So after we parted ways the night of Day 1, I went to a friend's apartment and attempted to study for my pathophysiology exam this Monday. I didn't realize how exhausted I was and I was falling asleep all over my notes. It wasn't even midnight yet! So I just went home and crashed.

When I woke up the next morning (before my alarm, annoyingly enough) I felt oddly serene. I really shouldn't have, as I had an exam the following day that I was simply not yet prepared for. But I woke up, went about my morning slowly, doing laundry and such. Just a sense of peace. I hadn't felt that way in a long time.

I get an IM from him around mid-day. He didn't want to attend the last thing he should've, so he was going to ditch it and visit me and say goodbye. Half an hour later he arrived at my apartment. I let him in, he sat in my only chair in my living room, lol. I took out my cello, tuned it, and just played it for a bit. It's been a long time since I played my cello, longer still since I've played it in front of anyone. I was really just fooling around and played a few excerpts I somehow still had memorized in my head, then I played some of the melodies I had begun to compose but no one had yet heard in person (at least, until now).

Just as I was packing up, my roommate returned. He picked something up and left almost as soon. After my roommate left, we walked over to my small round kitchen table and sat kind of opposite from each other. My right leg was in between his, and he rested his hands on my knees, slowly rubbing them. We talked for a while, about what I couldn't quite remember. I remember remarking how I really had to study and all, repeatedly.

His hands slowly worked their way up towards my crotch, and as they did, I got harder and harder. We got closer and closer. He rested his hand on my hard-on and stroked through my jeans a bit. Well fuck, I had to get rid of my hard-on now, otherwise it'd bother me for hours (which would really put a dent in my studying). I tacitly agreed to let him unbuckle my belt and undo my jeans.

---EXPLICIT DETAILS---
He extracted my dick from the fly of my boxers. He gave a few strokes up and down, then brushed against the tip of my foreskin like the night before. And like the night before, it elicited a similarly amazing response. He pulled it back and rubbed the head bare a bit, which was a little more intense. I hardly moan at all, but I was moaning the night before and right then.

Quick tangent: I realize that I seem to talk about my foreskin a lot in the last post and here, haha. It's just that, that's where the best feelings seem to be for me. I realize some (many) of the readers here probably can't relate because they're lacking that part of their anatomy. Well, I apologize but bear with me.

He came closer, brought his chair so it was beside mine. He put one arm around me and felt me up and down under my T-shirt, while jacking me with his other hand. He gave me small kisses on my neck and ears. I then showed him something I like to do: with one finger (index finger) on the head, and then with 2 fingers, bring the foreskin up over that finger and just rub the foreskin about a bit. That felt sooo amazing, way more so than when I do that to myself. Of course I was leaking pre-cum a bit now, which again, I almost never do. He seemed to have fun playing with my foreskin. It was kind of like a toy I've had for a long time and enjoyed, but never knew how much fun it would be to share with another person.

He put his head on my shoulders, I put my head on his and closed my eyes. I took over jacking myself while he continued to just run his hands over my body and hugging me alternatively. I see his lotion (that he left at my place the night before) so I took a bit and applied it to my dick. I rarely use lube of any kind, because it's messy (and I hate dealing with that) and it tends to make me so sensitive that I cum much faster than I would otherwise. I jack myself for a bit, but wasn't even getting remotely close to orgasm however great it felt.

He took over again as my arm tired. I ran my hands up and down his arms, his legs. I put my face to his head, feeling his hair on my cheeks. I tell him to stroke just the head a bit and leave my foreskin back. With the bit of lotion as lube, it felt really sensitive and good. But I still wasn't even close to orgasm. I took over and went rather fast, still to no avail, haha. He moved his head close to give me a bj, but I wasn't feeling up to that because I didn't want to shower in the middle of the day, lol. So he brought his head back up and against mine.

I then give up, stuff my hard-on back into my jeans, and zip up. I really needed to study, lol.
---END EXPLICIT DETAILS---

He had to leave soon to catch the bus back to campus, and he had already been over for about an hour and a half already. At the door we hugged. Usually when I hug someone I feel awkward for some reason, like I don't want to get too close or like I'm not sure how. This was different, this was the first hug I gave in a long time that was totally uninhibited, totally honest, and totally not awkward. It was as sincere as it possibly could've been. He bent down to kiss me and this time, our kiss actually felt like it could've been a real kiss, lol. We kind of hesitated at the kiss - like we wanted more, but at the same time didn't. We hugged tighter for a good minute, and I felt his heart beat fast. I'm sure we could've stood there hugging for a good another minute or two.

Before he left, I gave him a gift - a reminder that there is hope in the world, that someone will always care.
As you can see, those are tiny origami cranes made from Starburst wrappers and stored in a film canister. Each one takes about 5 minutes for me to make and there were 100 cranes in the film canister I gave him. In the second picture, the crane is right next to the piece of the Starburst wrapper it's made from. The story goes that the paper crane is a symbol of hope and good luck, and if one makes 1000 of them, he/she will get one wish.

So again, I gave him that gift as a sign of hope - hope for life, hope for better days; and as a symbol that there will be someone wishing him well.

About half an hour after he left, my hard-on still hadn't quite abated. So I did jack off, and even alone it took a bit of effort to orgasm but it was well worth it. I shot clear of the tissue I was attempting to use to contain it, and I had to wipe it off my carpet before it dried and stained, lol.

When I went to the library later that night, I kept smiling and chuckling softly at the most random things - at the music I was listening to, at renal failure (which I was studying), at hormones - it was all kind of bizarre for me.

---TANGENT---
Now I'm really curious about something concerning you, the readers (however many of you are out there). Look to the poll I've created somewhere in the right column of the blog and answer honestly and only once. Thanks.
---END TANGENT---

Progression

A few days ago my friend, JR-M, asked me for a picture of myself to include in the inside cover to the soundtrack of his movie, "Lord Save Our Souls." Our mutual friend, CM-M, composed the music and played the piano part whereas I played the cello part. There was also a viola and voice part. If/when I figure out how to post music, then I'll post a clip or two. It's really good! Anyway, I'm digressing.

So I took a few pics of my head (which is harder to do than it may seem, or I'm just that uncoordinated). I was bored, so I took multiple silly pics of my face. It turned out that JR-M found a better of pic of me on Facebook that suited the CD cover. Ah well. So I just cropped out my eyes and eyebrows below to create something I'll call, "Progression."

So there you have my incredibly average Asian eyes. I do like my eyebrows, however.

And just for kicks, I took pictures of my table, following in the footsteps of the ever-cool gay+teen+sydney and David.
You will notice that this is, indeed, a table and not a desk. A fold-up table at that! In the first pic, you'll see my philodendron plant, office supplies (hole puncher, stapler, staple remover, white-out tape) next to it, 2 trays with my bills and forms, a water bottle conveniently in front of the rag i use for certain "activities," an epidemiology paper that I printed 4 pages/side (400 printing pages/semester is NOT enough in grad school), and my laptop. Notice that it's NOT a Mac. In the second picture, you'll see my laptop (again), Kleenex behind the laptop, my alarm clock, a desk light, folders, empty water bottles, and cups of pencils, pens, and highlighters.

Mask of the Artist

I have always loved art. I love creative expression in all its forms. As I've probably said before, creative expression such as art or music can bring out a person's soul, even if they never intend to. I've always been considered good at art, and there is some latent talent there that I haven't (and probably never will) tap into. Now I'm not good at all art forms (I don't think any one person can be), as I have my own particular styles and tendencies. For example, I suck at calligraphy with a brush. I do envy those Chinese people who make the Chinese language into art, because I can't do it.

In any case, I've always loved to draw. Although what I draw almost never comes out how I imagine it in my head, the end result is usually acceptable (to me). When I wear this Mask of the Artist, time seems to disappear. I can bend over a piece of paper for minutes and even hours at a time as the world passes me by. This isn't so good when I'm in a lecture. There's something about drawing that's so compelling, so captivating, so . . . personal.

Anyway, I'm what could be considered a "pencil artist." My chosen utensil is the pencil, mainly because I don't have access to other media such as paint or oils, and I don't know how to create art with Photoshop or any other programs. So I've taken to the pencil. I do wish, however, I had some "formal training" with pencils and shading, rather than just figuring it out. As a consequence, most of my art exists currently as "line art" without shading or coloring. I do hope, however, to come back to them one day and color them.

Last Vigil

As the last of its kind, this ice dragon looks to the setting horizon as the age of dragons comes to an end.

Kurotaka Makoto

This is me being a dork. He is me as a shinigami captain if I were a character in the anime Bleach. His sword (zanpakuto) is called "Hakage," which means "Under the shadow of leaves." Ask me for more details if you're curious. XD












A Dark Past

My friend, JS-M, asked me to draw him a dark warrior with a dark past. He looks half-shinobi, haha. I used his initials to create a "seal" or symbol to represent him.













Ice Mage

I offered to draw my friend JW-M an ice mage. I think the reason for this was because we both felt the mages in WoW (World of Warcraft) look less and less like actual mages, rather than mages wearing heavy armor. The more powerful armor sets looked stupid, and this is a "return to an original" concept.











So here are 4 examples of my "typical" art. Yeah, I do like to draw fantasy. Sci-fi is cool too. I wish I had some of my older landscape art, but I wonder what happened to them . . . Recently I've drawn very little. It makes me a little sad.

If you want, you can "commission" something from me, haha. Just let me know what you'd want me to draw for you and I'll do it and post it on this blog when I'm done. But you must be very specific on what you want, otherwise "artistic license" takes control. And as a word of warning, how fast I finish a drawing depends on many factors - such as classes. So it might be done in a few days, or it could be months (or never). Anyway, you're free to ask and pester me about it. You all know how to contact me.

San Francisco's Art Museums

So I've been to 3 art museums in San Francisco in the last 3 days (or rather 2 days, since we didn't spend yesterday at any art museums). I'm getting kind of sick of them and I'm constantly reminded why I'm not an art history major (no offense to art history majors, I'm sure it's fascinating . . . to someone). The 3 we went to were the Asian Art Museum, the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA), and the Legion of Honor museum.

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Asian Art Museum: I actually really liked this museum on the whole. It exhibited pieces of art spanning several thousand years from several Asian countries such as China, Korea, Japan, Indonesia, and India. It's interesting to see how all the oriental art looked a little similar to each other (evidence of heavy cross-cultural sharing) and yet at the same time, quite distinct. I'm glad I took a course on Chinese culture, history, and art last semester. I just really liked the diversity of the art displayed.

Then we got to the section on Buddhist and Hindu art. They were mostly sculptures. It was cool at first, but it was evidently religious art, and not very creative and original after a certain point. After a while, all Buddhas looked similar, all Brahma's, Vishnu's, and Shiva's looked similar. Although, I must admit I really liked the sculptures of Ganesha (my favorite Hindu god), even if they got a bit repetitive. Ganesha's just really awesome, I mean he's a happy-go-lucky god who frolics around with his favorite bowl of sweets. He's also the Hindu god of wisdom and knowledge or something.

SFMOMA: Okay, I really don't like most of what's considered "modern art." I just find it hard to understand, much less care about. I can, however, appreciate it for what it is. Even if an artist just has a painting of pure white paint and nothing else, it can be appreciated because while anyone else "can" do it, only that artist actually "did" it. That's what one of my 9th grade English teachers emphasized to us: that we shouldn't criticize something because we think it's simple and something that anyone can do, because while that may be the case, only that artist actually did it. And that says something.

Legion of Honor: This was mostly Renaissance art. Hence, 90% of it was religious (Christian) art. Like all religious art, it's cool at first. Then it seems to get repetitive and rather uncreative really fast. I mean, all nativity scenes look similar. All paintings of Christ being impaled on the cross look rather similar. Even the non-religious art, such as a still-life of a bowl of fruit, looks the same after a while. This isn't to say, however, that I didn't find works of art that I really liked.
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All in all, I found things that weren't religious to be more original and (to me) better. Religious art just seems like the same things over and over again, regardless of religion. I also began to notice how violent and militaristic a lot of Renaissance art was. Angels and armies wielding swords, demons devouring people, Christ bleeding from multiple wounds, it gets vicious. I think sometimes these works of art may inadvertently send a wrong message to "non-believers."

It was also interesting how peaceful and calm Buddhist art was. All the sculptures were unarmed, holding mostly bells, drums, flowers, and sitting on lotuses. It's rather laid back, as far as religious art goes. Only thing is, a lot of them also had more than 2 arms.