Happy New Year 2012!

Hey everyone, Happy New Year 2012! I know I'm a day late, blah blah blah, but Happy New Year nonetheless. May 2012 be fulfilling and rewarding; and for those of you who had a crappy 2011, may 2012 be much much better.

Already at least one blogger started 2012 off on a bad foot. Please go over to Landyn's blog, Stuck In The Middle, and offer him your best wishes and any help you may be able to provide. He's in a really bad spot right now and could use our support.
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On a completely 180-degree note, I've got more answers to questions from Well I gotta say, Being gay is . . . (now re-named to "Normally Gay").

1. What is your favorite trait about yourself? It can be physical or character-wise.
Hmm, a tough one. My best character trait is that I'm extremely hardworking and dedicated when I need to be, sometimes almost to a fault. My best physical trait . . . my eyebrows I guess?

2. Describe your perfect man.
This is a tad tough, haha. Originally I had separated this into 2 categories: "requirements" and "pluses." Then I came to the realization that I could give a little more on the requirements and some of the pluses are really more important. So here's just a laundry list below (in no particular order, and the question did specify "perfect" man, after all):

- Beautiful eyes. I find eyes really attractive. The color isn't important, though I find green and hazel eyes particularly mesmerizing.
- Cute face with a cute smile. This is very subjective and no one face fits this description. It may be a clean-shaven face on one guy or with stubbles on another, it just depends.
- Reasonably in shape. Not too thin, not fat (a little overweight is fine), is pretty toned, not too muscle-y.
- Height -2 inches to +6 inches from my height. That'd give a range of about 5'5" to 6'1".
- Age -6 to +6 from my age. That'd give a range of 19 to 31.
- Non-smoker, non-alcoholic, non-drug user. This really is a deal-breaker. Though, I could make an exception for very occasional marijuana use . . .
- Intelligent and can hold a decent conversation. Now, I don't need a doctor or someone with a PhD (pluses though that may be, haha), but an undergrad education is pretty much a must.
- Someone who can consistently get me to smile and do things I otherwise might be hesitant to do. Really, I need someone who can put me at ease when I get too tense.
- Someone who is honest, loyal, keeps promises, and likes to cuddle.
- Is a good cook. Food is definitely one route to my heart, lol.
- Plays a musical instrument and/or speaks a foreign language.
- Likes to travel.
- Is fairly neat & organized. I flit back and forth between being a neat freak and OCD organized and somewhat lax about it all. But I don't want to clean up after a slob.
- Has an "average" to "slightly above average" dick size. That'd give a range of about 5" to 7" or so. Also, not so thick that I'd choke.
- Is uncircumcised. Honestly this is pretty low down, but it is a plus.

3. Last song you listened to?
It'd probably be this: "How to Save a Life" (with Alex Goot)


Before that, it'd be this song: Gravity - by Jason Chan.

4. Favorite thing which is green?
Until recently I would've said my 2 philodendron plants. But I recently-ish bought an "olive green" messenger bag that I really like. :-)

5. Would you ever participate in an orgy?
Umm, no. Three-way, probably.

Answers!

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Defeated & Scattered

I had a pharmacology exam last week. It was brutal. Memorizing 200+ drugs - how they work, what they work on, what they're for, when not to take them - is brutal. There was one question where I literally wrote: "I forget and I give up. I'd rather admit this than make up a drug like loperamine." And then I drew a sad face. With a single tear.

Yes, I felt defeated. I still kinda do. I'm tired and I'm scattered. My desk is a mess (it's an accurate reflection of my current state) and I haven't felt motivated to clean it up. And for the first time all semester, I didn't work out 6x/week (P90X) consistently. :-/

There are many things I should do. There are many things I have to do. But I can't seem to remember what most of them are right now. ::Thinks::

Haven't met Drew yet. I'm not sure when/if that'll happen. He's busy, I was busy. He's apparently been dating a couple of guys (sigh), but it seems none have what he's looking for in a relationship. Perhaps I'll have better luck? (At least I got his address . . . he had wanted an impromptu back-rub and to give a bj that I refused - why? I'm not sure.) I've told him either Monday or Wednesday this week would work for me, or else I'm calling him out on a Saturday after Spring Break (next week for me - excited to go home!). Let's see how he responds.
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Anyway, in other news . . .

Zheng Lab - Bad Project (Lady Gaga parody)

I found this hilarious. I could sympathize with the person in there (having worked in similar labs before). And I love how her dresses were made of lab materials, lol.

Tonight I'm Frakking You

This is hilarious as well. I think the person in the Princess Leia cos-play is pretty attractive, haha.

Life in Adagio

Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

These last few days my life felt as if it's moving to an adagio tempo. Valentine's Day came and went. I spent most of the day studying for an exam the following day, ironically an exam on human sexuality.

My best friend from undergrad is getting married. I just got his save the date. He and his fiance look so happy together. I've known the both of them for the last 6 years or so. I was looking at their engagement pics earlier tonight, and I really like the theme they chose. And as I clicked to RSVP, there was a slot for how many guests and I would be at one. I hesitated and didn't complete it. I'll do it later I guess. Weddings have been really weird for me for the last 3-4 years.

I came across the following a month or two ago (on this site):
I couldn't have put it any better. I've been chatting with Drew off and on, as usual. Earlier tonight he said something like: "We still haven't met yet, this must be corrected soon." It seems like we're tentatively planning to meet up on a Friday in the near-ish future. Trying to catch him online is kind of like throwing a dart at a board with one eye covered, haha. Here's hoping for good things, but I'm not sure we'll progress much farther than "just friends." Hopefully I'm wrong, but I'm not sure how one could maintain a decent relationship during rotations.
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Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

Adagio for Strings by the YST Cello Choir

This is one of my favorite arrangements of this piece. It's such an expressive piece and it perfectly describes my mood these days. While Barber's Adagio for Strings has been described as one of the saddest pieces ever, I don't necessarily hear "sadness." It is, for sure, one of the most beautiful and emotive pieces I've heard with the notes painstakingly drawn out without so much as an accelerando. I hear a resignation that describes the world as it is, a kind of eternal reflection. Not necessarily sad, but it can be perceived as such.

Here's a recording of the original piece (not an original, the original as conducted by Toscanini who Barber himself requested to conduct it).

Finally, to end with a quote I found on my brother's Facebook page:

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~Dag Hammarskjold

Step Into the Light

Step Into The Light by ~eMadman on deviantART

If you haven't noticed by now, my blog layout has changed (rather dramatically). In the past, the color scheme has always been within the darker palettes. In some way, that conscious decision to keep this blog with the darker color palettes has reflected something within me.

And now I feel like it's time for a change. It's time to step into the light. Things have shifted around a bit, but the core content hasn't changed. Only the blog title panel designed for me by a blogger who blogs no more remains as a relic of the past.

I'm not yet sure how this change in the blog layout will reflect the direction of this blog going into the new year, and its fifth year. Wow, have I been blogging that long?! Anyway, to those who've been following for a while now, step into the light and walk with me for the fifth year. Let this change represent a rebirth of sorts, let it refresh within me the reason(s) why I blog and within you why you choose to follow.

Lastly, I came across the following while passing through some blogs:

Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside the Lines

You never enjoy your life
living inside the box.
You're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations
force you to play it safe.
Get rid of all the hesitation,
It's time for you to seize the day.

---TANGENT---
If you haven't been over to Ron's blog at I'm Keeping Score, do so NOW. He's having a tough time (as you can read from his last few posts) and can really use the support right now. Many of his greatest fears have materialized and we need to help him through this dark time.

Send him lots of hugs and show him the true light of support and love that we all are able to provide.
---END TANGENT---

Power to the End

- Health Fair: check
It's good to finally be done with the Health Fair. That event took more effort to organize than I expected! It also takes a lot of people to make the event a success. Alas, the snow thwarted even the best in planning; as a result, not as many people as anticipated showed up, but it was still fairly sizable. I'm in the process of writing a manual of sorts for next year's students, such that it can be even more successful (despite any potential snow).

- Autopsy viewing: check
This morning my group finally got called to go in to see an autopsy. We had been on call for a week now, and it was annoying having to get up earlier than necessary just to wait for that page. I must say, viewing an autopsy is rather gruesome. And all the coroners have rather dark humor. That first cut into a freshly dead body smelled worse than the preserved cadavers we worked with in anatomy lab last year (and I thought that smelled bad!).

- OKCupid profile: deleted & re-made
So last night, my friend asks me about my OKCupid profile. I had never revealed that I had such a thing to her or anyone else in my class. But someone in our class had come across my profile and forwarded it to her. Naturally I freaked out a little inside. I have some personal info on there that I don't want anyone in my class to gossip about. Hence, I promptly deleted my profile and created a new one that's still in the process of being fleshed out. This time, I'll be more cautious, especially with pics.

- Exams: next week
So final exams are next week. Ugh. Cumulative microbio final won't be fun. But, just gotta power through to the end. Can't wait until they're over. Also, I should probably register for the USMLE boards this week . . .

---TANGENT---
So, a few days ago, a friend of mine here in med school linked me to the following (her friend is the lead singer):

Muse - Resistance (A Capella by Uni. of Chicago)

The original is here.

Is our secret safe tonight?
And are we out of sight?
Or will our world come tumbling down?
Will they find our hiding place?
Is this our last embrace?
Will the walls start caving in?

I love that first stanza. Something about those words just echoed with me. Maybe it's the loneliness talking, who knows. There's something romantic about it.

Anyway, I realized like a month ago that I now have 101 followers! :-) Thanks for following! I think for my next post I'll do something special. Hmm. So I pose this request: comment in this post and ask any 5 questions you want, and I'll answer them (to the "reasonable" questions). So go! You've only got a couple days, as I'll get sick of studying for finals at some point and will need a break anyhow.
---END TANGENT---

Thanksgiving, Finally

Hey all,

Still alive . . . somehow.

Micro virology exam: check.
Laundry folded: check.
Things packed: check (mostly).
In bed before 12:30am: evidently not.

Anyway, this is perhaps the last chance I'll get to blog until I get back from Thanksgiving break. Not much to say, really. Did alright in my micro exam. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but not bad either. The class average better not be higher than my grade (of 86%)!!

I finally finished watching Top Chef: Just Desserts. Not as good as the original Top Chef, but entertaining nonetheless. I must admit, I partly watch it because of Yigit Pura. God, his desserts on that show are as delicious-looking as he is! Okay, that just sounds weird, but whatever.
Here are some links to more pics of (several shirtless :-P) and info on him: Project Q, Bravo TV, The Advocate.

And here's his YouTube blurb for the It Gets Better Project:


Lastly, for anyone who's ever played the game Pokemon, listen to this. You will be blown away.

Alright, that's all for now. Kind of a random post. Happy Thanksgiving!! :-D

Life is a Boat

Rie Fu - Life is a Boat

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We all are rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

(Japanese)
Far away, I'm breathing, as if I'm transparent
It would seem I'm in the dark, but I was only blindfolded
I give a prayer as I wait for the new day
Shining vividly up to the edge of that sea

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

(Japanese)
People's hearts change and sneak away from them
The moon in its new cycle leads the boat again

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me want to strain against the oars
And soon I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I ever see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you, and keep you strong

(Japanese)
And the journey continues on quiet days as well
The moon in its new cycle shines on the boat again
I give a prayer as I wait for the new day
Shining vividly up to the edge of the sea

And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
And make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can see the shore

(Japanese)
We are all rowing a boat of fate
but the waves keep attacking us
But isn't this that still a wonderful journey?
They are all wonderful journeys

Translation found here. Sometimes certain songs just resonate, you know? I wish I could be beyond the 3rd stanza of this song, oh well. Anyway, I first heard this song as the ending theme to the anime, Bleach.

Here's a vid of it:

I'll Let You Take the Lead

Well, I don't know. Still here. Still stressed. Still sending out a ridiculously high volume of emails. Still just pushing on through. Nothing really new to update.





The above two have been stuck in my head for the last 2 weeks or so. I actually printed the sheet music for the cello part to the first piece, though I haven't had a chance to sight-read through all of it. The second song my friend described as, "I'm sorry but this is so the kind of stuff when I went to gay clubs back in LA." I was amused.

This is all.

Les Jours Tristes

I've found a new theme song! :-D

Les Jours Tristes by Yann Tiersen

The title of the song translates to "The Sad Days" (according to my friend who took French) and it's from his album, L'Absente (2001), and the instrumental of this song was featured in the French movie, Amelie (great movie, go watch it if you haven't!).

I feel like the lyrics of this song perfectly fits my life right about now, considering all the recent events and dramas. Things have settled down a bit now, at least in my head. So that's good. There's a lot of things to update, but I've been having spotty internet at home due to a "feud" between my youngest brother and my dad. So I have to be umbilical cord-ed to the ethernet cord when I can manage.

---TANGENT---
So, I have a Yahoo! email account. Nowadays when I see the log-in screen, they have various backgrounds including this one:
I must say, that's one attractive guy. :-P Alright, that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to update on some of the things that happened in the last 2-3 weeks.
---END TANGENT---

The "Reformation" Symphony

Several weeks ago my roommate and I had a debate about music, what it is and what it's for. As a classically-trained musician, I've come to appreciate the styles and techniques of music, and how they evoke particular emotions or feelings. As someone who took courses on rock music in undergrad, my roommate countered that rock music was just as subtle and evocative.

He had argued that classical music is highly repetitive and pretentious, that the composer crafts a piece to deliberately elicit a specific emotion or scenery in one's mind, and it almost "tricks" the audience to think about music a certain way. I countered that while classical music may have that intention, the intentions of the conductor and the musicians also add uniqueness each time a piece is played - there is a marked capacity for personal expression with almost any classical piece. However, technique-wise, one can't compare rock music to the layers of sound in a symphony. My roommate also finds the 4th movement of symphonies the most boring, because it's "simply" a recapitulation of the previous 3 movements. I . . . respectfully (but vehemently) disagreed.

When I was in DC over Spring Break, I brought this up with my friend Jake. He, unsurprisingly, aligned with my views. He played trombone in marching band and concert band in high school, and has perhaps a greater appreciation for classical music than me.
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Anyway, I present the 4th movement of Symphony No. 5, Op. 107 by Felix Mendelssohn, or more commonly known as the "Reformation" Symphony. I had last played this piece in high school and it has remained one of my favorites. Follow along as I comment on what I feel in this piece.



In the 4th movement, the piece begins with a wind chorale of Martin Luther's hymn, A Might Fortress Is Our God. The flutes and piccolo first sing alone, their sounds like prayers floating high into the air. Soon more wind instruments join in as the theme is repeated (0:25), adding their lyrical voices to the flutes and piccolo. Finally, the strings join in (0:46). Then together, the music steadily climbs higher, starting with an ascending scale (0:53) and culminating as if with arms outstretched at the sky (1:02) before lowering briefly. This is followed by a determined declaration (1:15) that builds up to a kind of expectant tension, resolving only as the cellos and tympani enter galloping (1:39).

When the theme recurs (1:45), it takes on a different character than the previous lyrical chorale - it is now almost like returning traveler whose home is within sight. As this traveler nears his destination, his excitement builds and builds (2:06) until he arrives and lets out a deep sigh at the bottom of a descending scale (2:13).

Thus begins the second theme, a joyous and elated moment, a celebration as the orchestra embraces the reunion. The cellos take their turn, skipping down a descending stairs (2:34) before racing back to the top (2:38) and shouting out again with the rest of the orchestra. There are hugs and cheers all around, the brass calling out in fanfare. The cellos begin a kind of hearty chant (3:00) that is then passed around amongst the strings.

The violins and violas build their excitement in their arpeggios (3:31). Then the strings almost seem to say "tell us about your journey" of the traveler (3:42). The brass respond in fanfare alone (3:47) and begins to tell the tale. The strings, holding a single chord, wait and listen attentively for the lyrical winds (3:59), which sound like chirping birds with their trills. Like children satisfied with a good story, the strings boom out their joy (4:19) and their excitement builds again, almost uncontainable. The strings scramble all over up and down with their quick arpeggios, children running at top speed (4:37).

Then, tired of running, the violins and violas calm down (4:54). In this rare moment, the cellos take the time for introspection, repeating the first theme (5:01). Like the chorale at the beginning, the cellos seem to stretch their arms skyward (5:08). Slowly, the strings seem to awake from a nap (5:37) and then repeat the second theme (5:50). This time, the violins switch places with the cellos and begin the round (6:02). Almost restless and annoyed with the strings, the winds and brass play the first theme over them (6:37) - a slower, bolder, and more forceful iteration, as the strings continue playing underneath.

Then the entire orchestra realigns and plays the second theme in unison (7:03). As the winds and brass drop away, the strings being their climb up (7:22). But then even the strings drop suddenly (7:30), now quieter and more legato, as if motioning for the winds and brass to catch up. Together the entire orchestra builds in intensity, gathering force until the first theme reemerges at last (8:18). This last version of the theme is anything but the same as the chorale at the beginning, now a powerful exaltation of the entire orchestra at the end of the symphony.
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You can imagine playing a piece such as this has an almost spiritual quality/aspect to it. Even now after so many years, I can still envision the music in my head. The transformation from the reflective chorale to the powerful ending, all the while using the same two themes, exemplifies the composer's skill in modulation. Repetitive perhaps, but at least each repeat is different with its own unique tones, qualities, and emotions.

Anyway, I somehow thought this piece to be strangely apt for Easter. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. :-)

Many Thoughts

1. This week has been rather crazy (then again, this is true for every exam week). I think I've got a good system for studying this semester though. I go through all the material twice by myself, then get together with 2-4 other friends and we power-review through every lecture and leave no details untouched. Then I do 2-4 practice exams, then I read over the "quick notes," then sleep, then get up early to read over some more notes, eat breakfast, then exam.

I did pretty well on the neuroscience exam on Monday - about a 90.5% or so, which went up to a 92.5% after a question was re-graded. Yay! But I suspect I'm still below average, grrr. However, the physiology exam this morning was a different story. Let's say I feel like I've been mentally trampled over. And the bitching and moaning from my classmates attest to the fact that the exam wasn't well-written. I'm almost positive I passed though (they haven't posted our grades online yet, only the key - how rude). Gah, I still have one more exam to study for on Friday!! :-(

I saw the following YouTube vid uploaded on Facebook by a friend. It's a parody to the tune of Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," though it's sung horribly off-key:

Just Pass (P = MD)

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2. I also spent the last few days pondering over what to do about Jay - that is, whether to pursue "just friends" or "hopefully something more." You see, he's expressed no interest whatsoever in completely quitting pot smoking. He acknowledges that he's going to have to cut back to a couple times a month or just a few times a year, but never 100% quit (though it seems like he rarely smokes pot right now anyway). Cigarette smoking, heavy drinking, pot smoking, and drugs are all deal-breakers for me.

Now, though I said above that it's a deal-breaker, I've decided to attempt to pursue "hopefully something more." See, we chatted a little bit online these last few days and he tells me how it feels like his life's "in a state of constant flux" and that it's "gone into overdrive" since he started up school again. He's feeling the busy-ness of school and the excitement that comes with knowing he's clearly moving towards his goals. All this requires a lot of effort and focus; he's a smart guy, so he's well aware that smoking pot decreases focus and he'll have to smoke less of it as he gets busier and needs to focus more. So by my reasoning, while he may still smoke pot from time to time, it'll become less and less frequent as his career advances.

So here's what my "plan" is concerning Jay. Probably go on 3-4 more dates or something, get to know each other more in person, see how things are, and hopefully they'll be moving towards something more. If so, then I'll just have to be explicitly clear that if he smokes pot I don't want to be around him when he does, just like I don't want to be around him if he's going to be drunk. I also don't want to be around any pot he or his roommate(s) may possess, because on any chance that I'm caught near pot, there goes my career instantly out the window. If he can live with those 2 caveats, then we're golden.

There are a lot of "if's" but hopefully each one of them will become true. I really want things to work out the way I hope, but only time can tell. :-)
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3. The current opening song to the anime, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, has been stuck in my head for the last week or so. It's such a great anime, definitely in my top 5! :-D The song is called "Period" by the Japanese band, Chemistry.

"Period" by Chemistry

Here's a YouTube vid with the full version of the song and (Japanese & English) lyrics.
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4. Last week after I shadowed the Dr. P (the ID specialist), I sent him an email thanking him for letting me shadow. In my email, I also asked what he'd like to see in the LGBT student group or what direction he'd like for it to take. His response was:

Regarding the group, I guess the most important thing is to have it be something that makes LGBT students feel comfortable at [med school]. Beyond that, working toward improving the [med school] culture and curriculum are "extras." So, whatever will make people feel comfortable and want to be in the group is what I want to see.

I'm toying with the idea of running for president of that group next year (because no one else seems to want to touch it with a 10-ft pole). Any ideas on how one might help fulfill Dr. P's vision? I have my own ambitions for the group, but that's for a later post.
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5. Lastly, several days ago Biki linked me to this hilarious YouTube vid. I think the message is pretty damn clear. Enjoy!! :-P

Best HIV Commercial

That Gaydar Thing

. . . that I don't seem to have. At all (unless one is obviously flamboyant). *Sighs*

But my labmate Leslie does. She "knew" that I wasn't straight early on in our interactions in anatomy lab. Today I asked her to lunch so that I could ask her the question of how she knew I wasn't straight. Alas, she wasn't able to tell me a specific answer. Her words: on the spectrum from straight-acting to flamboyant, I'm very much on the straight-acting extreme. Well, that was hardly useful. -_- Though she seemed very confident in her ability to point out every gay guy in our class (no one is out, to my knowledge - and the medical environment isn't exactly conducive to this).

We spent a good hour or so talking about such things. We talked about how I kept my sexuality in a metaphorical box that I put on a metaphorical shelf - I know it's there, I know what it is, but I'm too scared to open it. I told her I was very uncomfortable with the bar/club scene. She mentioned internet dating (little does she know about Online Guy, lol). So we'll see what my Pandora's box has in store for me. Though I can talk rather dispassionately and at length about this online or in writing, it's sooo much more difficult in person. I was avoiding eye contact with her almost the entire time.

We also talked about how poorly the LGBTPM student group is run at our school, and that if I wanted the president position for that student organization it'd probably be mine for the taking (considering it, actually). It's almost insulting how bad it's run compared to other student groups. Granted, it's one of the smallest groups, but that's hardly an excuse.

Oh, and interestingly enough, Leslie mentioned how many gay guys develop a crush on her, thinking they love her, only to find out they're not straight later. She told me of this kid she knew in 1st grade who had a crush on her for years, only to come out in high school. Fuck, did I just fall into that pattern too?! *Sighs*

I don't know, but I think as a result, I've felt very conflicted the entire day. It's that feeling again, of an invisible hand squeezing my heart. I don't like it. I guess I'm just not comfortable with myself - not with how I look, not with how I feel. I guess I'm feeling down again.
---
Anyway, Online Guy is (apparently) busy this weekend. We've chatted a couple times online. He's more free next weekend, so we pushed meeting up back a week. I've got to come up with a name for him; I'll call him . . . Jay. And I suppose I should say a little about Jay.

He's 21, a nursing student, and has ambitions to be a doctor specifically working on regenerative medicine. He seems very liberal, pretty idealistic, and very open. He likes his beer (lol?) and admits he used to occasionally smokes pot, though not so much anymore. I don't know how I feel about this, I guess I'll seek if he reeks of it when I do finally meet him (for my sake, I certainly hope not). Intellectually we seem to have quite a bit in common.

I'm kind of nervous at the prospect of meeting him. I don't know what he'll think of me. I'm certainly not attractive (I wouldn't find me attractive anyway), so I've nothing that'd catch one's eye. I'm like an essay without a literary hook in his intro paragraph to reel the reader in, though I have the subsequent substance to make it worthwhile if one can get past the opening quickly enough.

Oh yeah, there's also an Online Guy 2 (I'll call him . . . Drew). We've only emailed back and forth on that dating site a few times. But lately his emails have been rather playful. I think he's just a laid-back and playful guy. I don't know much about him other than he's bi, 21, in his last year of undergrad, and applying to grad programs. I guess I'll see what happens with Jay first though.

---TANGENT---
So in the last few days, many of my fellow M1's who I've talked to have had thoughts of quitting med school and doing something else, like become a teacher, lol. But we all agree that we're too far in debt to back out now - there's only the way forward. I think this is mostly a function of us being really frustrated lately.

I was browsing YouTube and I came across the following two vids. To think that I was able to play the following two pieces before, insane! I was good at the piano. It's been such a long time since I was that good. It brings back memories and nostalgia.

Rachmanioff's Prelude in G minor, Op. 23, No. 5


Chopin's Sonata No. 2 in B flat minor, 1st Mvt.

This was the most difficult piano piece I've ever played - both technically and musically. Every note aches suffering, whether in rage or in despair. Thinking back, my piano teacher gave me several pieces that ached of suffering. Maybe there was something in my playing then that reflected the internal struggle I feel now. Hmm . . .

Plain White T's - 1234

I saw this posted in one of my friend's away messages. I thought it was incredibly cute. It at the same time made me both happy and sad. :-/
---END TANGENT---

Final Countdown

A little while ago, SR-F emailed me the following YouTube vid:

Final Countdown - cellos and orchestra

The 3 cellists look ridiculous, but don't let them fool you - it takes a lot of skill to do what they're doing. The cello is an instrument meant to be played seated, so to play it standing and still be in tune and achieve the technical skills in the upper register is something I can't do. So while they look a bit ridiculous doing their headbanging and standing solos, it's quite a feat.

Now on to the "real" stuff while you let that vid play. Block 3 exams coming up this week. It shouldn't be as bad as last block. I've discovered that I suck at nerves and the nervous system compared to other organs. Identifying nerves gives me the most trouble unless they're super-obvious nerves. Blah. :-/
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Yesterday I spent 6-7 hours with 2 of my labmates studying lung and heart development. Omg, heart development is so complex; it took us several hours just to get through 23 pages of notes!! But I think we've got it down now, finally. I think we were starting to lose our sanity partway through as parts of heart development began to look . . . phallic. That was Leslie's doing, not mine, lol. I was able to approximate development drawings more accurately. :-P

In anatomy lab we've had this odd tendency this block to ascribe animal characteristics to body parts. For example, we call our cadaver's right lung "tiger lung" because it has black stripes across it. Presumably this is "normal" for anyone who lives in/near a city - so for all of us living said area, our lungs will apparently become striped.

The lab table across from us has an excellent heart dissection. But it looks like a snail, so we call it "snail heart." It's their coveted body part because it's such a good specimen (for the most part). We've actually opened their humidor when they weren't around, reached into their cadaver's body, took out the heart, and brought it back to our table for examining. Once Leslie tried to give them our tiger lung as collateral as well as "transplant" snail heart in our body. That didn't go over so well.

And just yesterday morning, we came across "T-rex heart" from the other cadaver in lab who died of congestive heart failure. They cut the heart across its entire length, so if you held the heart sideways and opened and closed it where it's cut, it looks like a T-rex opening/closing its mouth.

So this is what becomes of us in anatomy lab . . .
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Anyway, I've a theory about academic physician lecturers (pseudo-tangent, I know).

The pediatrics department provide our classes with great guest lecturers. They're so engaging, know how to communicate, are able to grab one's attention, and even instill enthusiasm about the subject. By contrast, surgeons and radiologists suck at explaining anything (but radiologists are the worst).

Yesterday I sat in a radiology lecture for anatomy. The radiologist just clicked through slide after slide after slide after slide without pausing long enough for anyone to really process what they were seeing. AND he was talking to the screen the whole time - didn't look at us or really even address us. I HATE that. I mean, if you're going to show me an ultrasound of the aorta and have it zoomed all the way in so that I don't even recognize it as an aorta, at least give me 10 more seconds to figure out for myself what's wrong on the slide. I seriously sat through the entire lecture and the only thought I had was how bad it was and how I could so do a better job.

This kind of reinforces my psuedo-stereotypes of the different specialties, or rather the kinds of people who go into them. As Leslie said, "You don't choose to go work in a dark room if you want to interact with people."

---TANGENT---
I (finally) got a haircut today. I hate getting haircuts. I hate my hair, I can never get it to do what I want or make it look good.

So I went to a place nearby to get my hair cut. The only Asian woman there "singled" me out to cut my hair, haha. She's Vietnamese and even I had some trouble understanding her thick accent, though her talking in a quiet voice didn't help any. At one point she randomly busted out Spanish because she had taken some Spanish courses. I just kind of sat there and was like, "Seriously?" She was skilled with cutting Asian hair (or so she says), because mine turned out decent. A tad shorter than I wanted it but that's okay, it'll grow out. She also gave me the name and address of a good Thai place. :-D

Lastly, it seems that I've gotten some new Followers lately! I don't know who you all are, but thanks for liking my blog enough to follow. ^_^
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Regression in the Service of Sanity

The title comes from something else that the psychiatrist who teaches our "Foundations of Human Behavior" class called "regression in the service of the ego." I liked it and thought it was fitting.

Anyway, when I study I often like to listen to classical music because lyrics distract me. Music helps me pace myself and limit how I sometimes read the same things over and over again without it going in. Last week while studying hardcore for exams I listened to quite a bit of classical music. I came across the following:

Beethoven - Symphony No. 7, Movement 2 - Allegretto.


This was the best recording I found on YouTube. The beginning is a bit too legato and it's a tad faster than my recording.

The moment I heard the opening to this piece I had a flashback moment to high school (I think sophomore year) when I played it. I was 6th chair then. I missed playing pieces like this - I missed the feeling of the strings under my fingers and the vibrations of the cello body against my legs. I missed how the subtle layers of the piece build on top of themselves, ever-gradually crescendo-ing. I missed the focus, the concentration, the intensity that music brings. It's what people would call "being in the zone," and it's been a long time since I've felt in the zone.

Hearing and smell are powerful triggers. Even though sight dominates our senses, it betrays memory the easiest in my opinion. Things visually change - houses, plants, people - all things subject to age. But smells and sounds can remain fresh. The sense of smell has the more direct tract into the brain via cranial nerve I (olfactory). There are smells that will bring back memories of when I was 3 or 4. And for me, hearing is the second most powerful memory trigger. I'll hear a song or piece and either associate it with something or be transported back to when I played it. There are very few things I truly missed about high school, but orchestra was something I dearly miss.
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For a total change of subject, a friend linked the following on Facebook:

Scrubin'


Lyrics found here.

I totally lol'd at this when I saw it. I found it hilarious!! There are subtle inside jokes there, hehe. This will be in my head when we start dissecting the thorax . . . tomorrow. Note: Rollin's and Netter's are anatomy textbooks. And my anatomy lab doesn't look anything like the anatomy lab in there.

And the following was created by med students somewhere in Canada:

Piss in my Scrubs


Oh Canadians. :-P

On To the Next Stage

Well, here I am in another state in a new apartment about half a mile away from the medical school. I arrived here Thursday night around 11pm and I'm nearly done unpacking, just a few stray items that I'm not sure where they should go. My apartment's much nicer than the last 3 apartments I've lived in. I hope my roommate and I get along great and neither of us will move for the next 4 years (I'm a little tired of moving around every year).

This move was unlike any other move. It was actually a bit difficult emotionally. Now, I'm not generally an emotional person, but tears welled up in the corners of my eyes as I packed my things earlier this week. It seemed that almost everything I touched had some lingering memory attached to it. Notes for this class, that paper I wrote, that picture I never finished drawing, that concert program, that sheet of music, etc. Everything reminded me of my last 5 years at the same university institution - the good, the bad, the friends I made, the classes I took, the professors I had, the fun I had. Truly this was goodbye.

I've always wondered why people cried at graduation, clinging to each other and embracing hugs, sobbing while trying to smile for final pictures. Now I have a small sense of what that is like. It's difficult to describe; but by leaving some things behind, by "discarding" some memories, it feels like a part of one's soul is fractured and left behind. I've lived in this one Midwestern state for the last 18 years. I've wanted to leave, perhaps escape, for a while now. I had looked forward to this day but now that it's here, it makes me sad.

Now it's time to move on. I'm not sure how much I can call this place home, but I guess home is where I am. On to the next stage, on to med school. It's only 4 years, and then to somewhere else (hopefully). Time to find my bearings, rediscover balance, and tackle everything thrown my way.
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Now for a completely different topic (because I'm too lazy to make a second post right away), a few YouTube vids that I found/was linked to by friends.

Clutter by Ronald Jenkees

This is actually a pretty cool song. It's a very ambient kind of music. I particularly like it at about 1:48 minutes in when a violin melody enters, and again at about 2:26 minutes in when the cellos bear down on their lower notes (it's a little hard to hear without good speakers/headphones).

Viva Forever

An online friend linked this to me a week or so ago. I thought it was really cute, so watch it. :)

Did You Know?

This vid is a bit of an eye-opener. It's really cool, and just a tad trippy once you absorb it all.

---TANGENT---
I'd like to say farewell to the blog Southern Inebriation. However, the author, J, started up a new blog called Be Kind Cali. So head over and check out this new iteration.
---END TANGENT---

How Long Has It Been?

How long has it been? Weeks . . . months since we last touched? I had almost forgotten how you felt - the way your smooth curves hug against my thighs. We were so intimate once with me hugging you from behind, so why the awkwardness now? Have you forgotten my touch as well?

Your singing is a bit off key and out of tune. Are you holding back? Your voice is cracking. It is my fault and I apologize. My hands, my fingers - they are not as nimble as they once were; I am out of practice. I swear I will make amends, I will learn again how to caress up and down your long slender neck with my fingers, just the way you want me to. I want to hear you sing again until I feel your deep voice resonating in my bones.

You've been cold towards me of late. I'm sorry I haven't made time for you. We're out of sync, our embrace now merely technical if not mechanical. I know I'll have to work for your affection, but it's worth it - to feel your smooth body, to caress your neck, to hear your voice . . .
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Ten points to whoever guesses correctly who (or what) I'm talking about above, lol.

Anyway, I want to give a shout out to two people whose blogs I've caught up on. The first is not new to many (most?) of you. The second is a new blogger, so welcome him to the blogosphere!

Tyler at Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool
Shane at I just want to be me

Lastly, I just want to remind you all to PLEASE answer my challenge question in my last post. You can send me your response as a comment (I've turned on comment moderation) or as an email. I will publish your responses anonymously! Anyway, please please please answer by next Wednesday (July 15th). The post can be found here. Thanks!!

P.S. The comments that are published in the last post were only allowed to be published because they didn't answer my challenge question.

Pathetique

Beethoven's Piano Sonata Op. 13 No. 8 in C minor. Aka, "Pathetique." To think that such a piece would have such an influence on me. C minor even became one of my favorite keys after playing it. I didn't know then how well the piece would reflect me now.

When I first learned the piece, I didn't understand or appreciate the significance of C minor in Beethoven's pieces. C minor was typically Beethoven's chosen key to be "powerful and emotionally stormy." Thus, the first time I played the opening chords of the first movement I did not hear the approaching storm, but rather the vanishing sun - I did not hear the suffering, but the remnants of hope. I was instructed to feel the power and the storm: to feel the suffering and the pain of the piece. But how could I, when I hadn't really experienced anything that could be called "suffering" at that point in my life? What little I knew and could understand I channeled into that piece.

Here's an interpretation that's actually somewhat similar to mine:


So what is the point of this post? That I'm beginning to feel a little like how the piece is intended to be. That I feel a storm coming inside me - ironic how it's thunderstorming like crazy outside here right now. It's funny because when my path is "set," that's when I feel most stagnant and lost.

I just RSVP'd to AW-M's, my old roommate's, wedding in July. I RSVP'd to go single. This serves as a constant reminder that I'm getting older and have yet to be in any kind of actual romantic/sexual relationship. Heck, I'm still a virgin in many ways (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). I mean, it's just like, "Wow, I know people my age who are engaged and are getting married." I just feel a little depressed by all this. I'm not sure what I feel but it's like a kind of pressure over my chest.

I'm not sure what the cause is. Perhaps I'm too eclectic to be in a relationship. Perhaps I'm too picky. Perhaps I don't have a confident enough personality or attractive enough (and what muscle definition I had gained in the last 2-3 years is slowly fading, goddamnit). Perhaps I'm not ready. Perhaps I'm scared. I talk to some people online (not all are bloggers) and sometimes a part of me thinks, "Why are you so far away? Why can't I meet you in person? Why can't we be friends and/or something more?"

If I had one wish: I wish love would find me - that it'd fall right on my head. I wish someone would take the initiative with me because I'm not sure I know how or even that I can bring myself to right now. Right now, my blog and I are "pathetique."

I apologize for this rant/whine-fest.

Second Thoughts

Hmm, it's a funny thing. I'm not IN med school yet and already it's intimidating me.

The M1 year starts on August 17th and goes until May 28th. Wow, I haven't been in school for that long since high school! From what I could tell from last year's M1 weekly schedule, classes usually go from 8am until 5pm most days, Monday through Friday. At first I was like, "Wtf, that's A LOT of class time!" Especially since my friends at other med schools go from 8am to noon or 1pm. But in retrospect, it's not AS bad as I thought. Last semester in grad school I went from 8:30am or 9am until 6pm or 6:30pm most days (see post here); and, I would have to leave for class at 8am and not be able to get back to my apartment until about 6:20pm or 7pm due to the buses. So yeah, it's not going to be too bad (but it's still a heck of a lot of class time).

Now, the other thing that's a kicker is my financial aid, which I got in the mail today. It's really confusing but let me attempt to explain. I can get up to about $45K awarded in loans; however, the med school is only "allowing" me to borrow $20.5K. How am I supposed to make up that difference?! Neither my parents nor I have that much money. Granted, the above amount doesn't include institutional aid (like grants and scholarships) but I won't know how much I'll get until orientation in August. And it seems I have to make an appointment with a financial aid counselor to "unlock" the rest of my loans. Grrr, this doesn't make much sense to me. Why's financial aid always so confusing?!

All this has caused me to have second thoughts, however brief. I mean, I could've just graduated from the school of public health with my MPH (Master's in Public Health). And a really good MPH at that, coming from one of the top 5 public health schools in the US. In addition, I would graduate essentially debt-free if I held a GSI teaching position for the remaining 2 semesters (which should be easy, as I was really great at it before). Okay, so yeah, I have to return about $10,000 in loans - but really, that would be super-easy with a GSI position. And an MPH is quite valuable and helpful, so I'd be making decent money (not great, but not bad). And of course, I would be helping people.

So I wondered: is this all worth it? The grueling class and time? The possible (likely) hundreds of thousands in debt accrued over 4 years? The LONG hours and crappy pay of residency? For a moment I doubted it all. Before I knew all this was coming but now that it's here, it's really scary to think about. But of course I've already committed myself, there's no backing out now. I just need to tell myself that everything will work out in the end.

And of course, if you actually read all the rambling above or just skipped to here, I shall reward you with something I came across on someone's blog a while back (I forget who's).


This song was stuck in my head for a day. I really like it, and I love the violin playing.


I LOVE the jazzy style of this song. I've been looking for something like this for a little while.

2008 in Summary

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