The Lizard-Spock Expansion

In my efforts to combat boredom I apparently watched the entire Season 1 of The Big Bang Theory. It's a hilarious show principally about a physicist (nerd) pursuing this hot girl across the hall. His 3 friends are also main characters. Episode 8 of Season 2 is called "The Lizard-Spock Expansion." It's basically an expansion of rock-paper-scissors to rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. The rules are as follows:

Scissor cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock disintegrates rock, and rock crushes scissors.

Apparently these are valid rules as an expansion of rock-paper-scissors. A helpful diagram is shown below:
Anyway, yeah, all that to keep my mind distracted. I've been feeling off lately. Unmotivated, lazy, depressed, lonely, etc. It took a bit of effort to prevent myself from eating ice cream earlier today. I'm not going to vent about it here - not yet, not now.

Last night I chatted a little online with my best friend from uni, JW-M. I'm not exactly sure if he considers me the same way I consider his friendship, but truthfully that matters little to me. He suggested that I should visit him on the other side of the state (about 3.5 hours' drive away). Sadly I don't have a car as both my parents need to work and my brother's using my car to get to work. So I might take a train out there and hang out with him for a couple days. On the weekdays it's about $26 each way.

I don't know, the more I think about it the more I want to go - the more I need to go. To get away, be somewhere new, etc. My trip to China was denied and the more I think about that it hurts. I'm not really in a position to be complaining, I guess. But still. :-/

---TANGENT---
I've gotten a couple responses to my challenge question. To those who've answered, thank you so much!!

To anyone wishing to answer or wishing to add more details to their current response, you have until Wednesday of this week (July 15th) to answer in a comment or email. Again, your responses will be posted anonymously so no one else would know who you are (except me >.>). Don't forget to say if you're cut or uncut - unless you're uncomfortable declaring so. While I understand everyone experiences orgasm (and the process of) somewhat differently, it'd still be interesting to know.

Alright, so if you haven't answered, please please please send me your answer! Again, the post is here.
---END TANGENT---

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How Long Has It Been?

How long has it been? Weeks . . . months since we last touched? I had almost forgotten how you felt - the way your smooth curves hug against my thighs. We were so intimate once with me hugging you from behind, so why the awkwardness now? Have you forgotten my touch as well?

Your singing is a bit off key and out of tune. Are you holding back? Your voice is cracking. It is my fault and I apologize. My hands, my fingers - they are not as nimble as they once were; I am out of practice. I swear I will make amends, I will learn again how to caress up and down your long slender neck with my fingers, just the way you want me to. I want to hear you sing again until I feel your deep voice resonating in my bones.

You've been cold towards me of late. I'm sorry I haven't made time for you. We're out of sync, our embrace now merely technical if not mechanical. I know I'll have to work for your affection, but it's worth it - to feel your smooth body, to caress your neck, to hear your voice . . .
-----
Ten points to whoever guesses correctly who (or what) I'm talking about above, lol.

Anyway, I want to give a shout out to two people whose blogs I've caught up on. The first is not new to many (most?) of you. The second is a new blogger, so welcome him to the blogosphere!

Tyler at Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool
Shane at I just want to be me

Lastly, I just want to remind you all to PLEASE answer my challenge question in my last post. You can send me your response as a comment (I've turned on comment moderation) or as an email. I will publish your responses anonymously! Anyway, please please please answer by next Wednesday (July 15th). The post can be found here. Thanks!!

P.S. The comments that are published in the last post were only allowed to be published because they didn't answer my challenge question.

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My Challenge To You

About a week or so ago I was chatting online with someone. Somehow it got on to the topic of how an orgasm feels to a cut and an uncut guy. It's actually a surprisingly difficult question to answer in detail. So I pose the challenge to all you readers:

In as much detail as possible, how does an orgasm feel like to you? Please include what it feels like immediately prior, during, and after orgasm.

Things to consider when answering:

- How does it feel in your penis and elsewhere on your body leading up to orgasm?
- How do you know when you're nearing orgasm? What does it feel like?
- How do you know when you've reached that "point of no return?" What does it feel like?
- How does it feel just prior to orgasm?
- What does it feel like during orgasm? How does it feel in your penis? Your balls? Elsewhere?
- What does it feel like post-orgasm? Is your glans (penis head) super sensitive? How so?
- Can you feel your cum welling up, prepping to shoot, and moving out of you?
- Are you cut or uncut (this is really just for anecdotal curiosity purposes)?
- If you're uncut, do you experience two "kinds" of orgasms (when you use your foreskin and when you don't - that is, pull it back and wank as if you were cut)?

The more excruciatingly detailed your answer the better. Also state if you're cut or uncut. So please please please answer this question. Also, if you're a woman reading this blog, I'm also quite curious to know how an orgasm feels like to you - so please please please answer as well.

I've turned on comment moderation for the purpose of this post. A week from now (on July 15th) I will post all responses anonymously along with my own description mixed in as well. Alright, you all have a week to wank and record your experiences. Again, PLEASE comment (or email me) with your description - I don't care how long (the longer/more detailed the better). Thanks everyone!!

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Where I Blog From

So, Jeremy of Falling Through The Void tagged me in this game started by Tyler of Thoughts of a Gay Boy in Highschool. Unbeknownst to Jeremy I had already posted where I blogged from before in this post, however locale has changed and so here's where I currently blog from (I apologize for the drabness of the color, apparently a dark cloud passed while I was taking these pics - and I'm too lazy to do touch-ups with Photoshop).

You'll notice that this isn't my bedroom (because my bedroom no longer has a desk and chair in it). It is in fact the dining room that we rarely eat in because we usually eat in a nook next to the kitchen on the other side. If you click on this photo to enlarge it, from left to right: The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, my med school financial aid papers ($20,500 in loans sitting there, still short about $21,000 though - and that's just for tuition), my wallet and cellphone on top of that, gum wrappers (might make origami cranes out of them), my ear buds connected to my laptop, mouse, Seagate 500 Gb external hard drive (^_^), desk lamp, and my old genetics textbook behind my laptop (that my brother used as a reference for mitosis/meiosis when studying for the MCAT).

Another angle. In this shot you'll see a Chinese silk painting, a tub of Starburst candies my brother "won" at the high school graduation party, a wooden Chinese-ish stand with a bonsai on it. My mom wants to throw out the bonsai. I don't.

The Chinese silk painting. It says (you read it right to left): 年年有馀 (nian2 nian2 you3 yu2). It literally translates to "May there be surplus year after year." What it means is that, at the end of the year, you want something left over to start the next year with. Note the 9 goldfish in the painting for good luck (or prosperity, I don't remember which it is).

A close-up of the tub of Starburst candies, the stand, and the bonsai.

And now I tag the following people (who are under no obligation to comply, but their compliance would be greatly appreciated if they posted pics of where they blog):

1. J: Southern Inebriation
2. S: Enjoying the Journey
3. Doug: Right Time and Place
4. Mike: Random Thoughts In My Life
5. Charlie: Charlie's Blog
6. Hellogenation: Hellogenation
7. Anonymous Blogger: "Picture Perfect"

Edit: I also ninja tag the following two people:

8. E: I Gotta Story To Tell
9. Corey: Amazing Corey

---TANGENT---
As the summer progresses, I slowly whittle away at my list of blogs to read. I'd like to give a shout out to Jonathan at Gentleman's Romance, who is no stranger to many of you. And I'd also like to welcome new blogger Corey at Amazing Corey. So if you haven't visited their blogs yet, go over and say hi!
---END TANGENT---

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Fallen By The Wayside

Okay, there will be a lot of names in this post. And as I "codify" everyone's name (because I'm too lazy to come up with fake names), it may get confusing without a key. As a reminder, I mentioned in this post how I code people's names. And here's today's cast of characters:

KF-F: Originally pre-med but I think she's now just a biology major grad. We took organic chemistry together in our freshman year and through me she met JW-M and all his friends.

JW-M: My roommate freshman year in undergrad and my best friend in undergrad.

DJ-M: JW-M's friend from high school who went to the same university as us. I met DJ-M and became friends with him our sophomore year.

AS-M, BG-M, RS-M: Other mutual friends of mine and the people above. All of them also went to high school and university with JW-M and DJ-M.

AW-M: My old roommate for two years in undergrad. He's getting married in two weeks (I still have to buy a wedding gift).
-----
Okay, so yesterday I was talking online with DJ-M. We were talking about careers, future, life, family, etc. I mentioned how freaky it was that people our age are getting married. I said how I'm going to AW-M's wedding in two weeks and how strange that is to me.

Then DJ-M mentioned how he went to KF-F's wedding a week or two ago. AS-M, BG-M, and RS-M also went (as well as other mutual friends not mentioned). JW-M was probably invited and would've gone, if he hadn't been in China until last week. I was sad that I wasn't invited and told DJ-M how I felt I'd "fallen by the wayside." He was actually quite surprised that I wasn't invited.

I asked him how he met KF-F. He said he met her through JW-M. I asked him if he knew how KF-F and JW-M met. He didn't know and had wondered at that before. So I recounted. KF-F and I had organic chemistry (orgo) together in freshman year. We studied a lot together, hung out a lot together, and were pretty good friends. Because she hung out in my dorm room quite a bit, she met and became friends with my then roommate, JW-M. And that's how she met JW-M and through JW-M met DJ-M, AS-M, BG-M, and RS-M.

It's sad and interesting, all at the same time. I feel like I can connect and make friends easily, but I also seem to detach and drift from many friends just as easily. I don't know how or when KF-F and I drifted apart, but we did. I'm sure she didn't intentionally not invite me to her wedding, but who knows.

It feels surprisingly easy to make a friend, but much more difficult to deepen a friendship much less maintain one.

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Under the Shadow of Leaves

It is a good day.

I sit on a stone bench under the shadow of leaves, the sun poking through as if light were leaking through the green canopy. Looking out, the sky is clear blue except for the presence of a few wispy clouds. The day is bright and full of colors forgotten in the seasons prior.

I close my eyes and hear the sounds of toddlers and children laughing, of students talking, of many feet walking by. I wonder, how many hundreds of thousands of people have passed this point? What were they thinking as they passed by? The birds above sing their chorus in a language I cannot decipher. Far off a group of people are playing some instruments - a guitar and some drums. Though unrefined and unpolished, the sounds mix organically into carefree music.

A breeze blows by, carrying with it the scent of approaching summer. It is the smell of leaves, of living wood, of flowers, of the stone buildings - sentinels that resist the wear of time. It is the smell of life itself, and nourishes my lungs in a way I had taken for granted. I hold out my hands and arms into the breeze, as if to slow it down or capture it. Instead, the invisible force flows up over and down under my arms. It flows between my fingers, eddying slightly and briefly into an almost tangible ball in the palm of my hands. It feels as though I was almost able to grasp the breath of the world.

Something speaks to me, faint just beyond the detection of my senses. I see nothing, hear no words, smell no source, touch no object - but it is there. It surrounds me like an emotion but is not an emotion. Suddenly it feels as if things will be okay. And all those times I have tried to believe, to rationally seek answers to the mysteries, to understand that which cannot be tested, all this does not matter. It is there, it is here, and somehow I know things will be okay.

I open my eyes and walk away from my stone bench, away out from under the shadow of leaves. I am cloaked in the day and the moment and the world and this mystery. I will be okay.

It is a good day.
-----
A small prose passage. A memory - a snapshot capturing what I feel on the best of days. It is curious how I never expect it but always welcomed, replenishing my inner strength.

You may have noticed my new blog title banner thing. I'd like to give a HUGE shout out to J of Southern Inebriation for designing it for me at my request (he's an art major, can you tell?). I will explain the 5 panels of this banner from the left to the right:

The first panel is of Chinese opera masks and the Great Wall. It represents my background: being Chinese, culture and language has been a huge influence in my life (sometimes good, sometimes bad). The second panel is of a stethoscope on a book. It represents my future, my goals and aspirations: for a long time I have worked my ass off towards getting into medical school and (hopefully) I will come out poised to be an excellent doctor. The third panel you should all recognize as the smiley face banner I had previously. It represents outlet and others: it is this blog and all of you who read, and all of you I talk to. The fourth panel is of a flower I took while visiting a clinic in China. It represents life: I was a biology major in undergrad not primarily because it's the "easiest" path to medical school, but because it can give one an appreciation for life - for all its complexities, and mysteries, and frailty, and endurance. The last panel is of a ghostly mask of sorts. It represents conflict and struggle: all the uncertainty and frustration that being bi/gay brings and a kind of loneliness that comes with an inability to find "the one."

Finally, to conclude this post, I would like to give a shout out to the following 3 blogs that I've had the pleasure to read fully on. They may need no introduction as many of you already read them, but if not, do go over and say hi! And they are:

Enjoying the Journey
Hellogenation
Overrated Integrity

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Disenchanted Summer

I remember the days when I longed for summer, practically dreaming of it. I remember the excitement of the last day of classes - those days were filled with joy and laughter. I would go home and play in the backyard with my next-door neighbors. Those were long enchanted afternoons of fun, of running outdoors, of make-believe games and adventure. Each day felt like it dragged on and our play was extended with the growing hours of daylight.

In middle school and high school this waned, but summer was still a time to look forward to. Usually there would be a vacation planned - some relative to visit in another state, or a road trip within the state. Days passed slowly but that was alright. Things began to change senior year of high school. That summer was the summer of disenchantment. This was it - the last summer of our childhood, possibly the last summer that I would see all my friends concentrated in one place.

Every summer since then has progressively gotten worse. While each day seemed to crawl by time still flew. Summers were spent working in the lab and I didn't have much time to see old friends. Heck, I didn't have much time to do what I wanted to do personally. Whether in the lab or at home, each summer has been a constant reminder of the forward progression of time. That there's a "next step" after this summer, and another after that. Summer has become a pause between breathes.

In effect, summers have slowly lost their allure and luster. Last summer was pretty bad, as I said farewell to many graduating friends and anxiously awaited my fate in placement into med school. This summer is worse. To have my last real chance at travel taken away from me, with little to do at home without a car as a means of transportation, and few friends in town - the days become a stupor. And yet, even in the past I've always begged for summer to end, I want this summer to drag on just a little longer. Because once med school starts, I will become indentured to the system for at least the next 7 years.

Disenchantment, it's a bitch.

---TANGENT---
Many blogs have disappeared or gone inactive of late. I wonder, what's the "shelf life" of a typical blog here? It seems that few last little more than a year. I wonder, since I started my blog in 2007, are my days numbered here?

Anyway, farewell to the following, as their blogs are removed:

coming out (on the net)
gay+teen+sydney
Minding the Heart
A Bi Boy's Pic Blog

And the following haven't updated in a long time (please update and let us know what's happened to you):

Life of one gay/bi boy
Life On The DL
---END TANGENT---

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