Last Man Standing

Last Man Standing by *Cute-And-Bright on deviantART

Yeah yeah, I know it's been months since I last posted.  In my defense, it's been such a crazy ride I don't even know where to begin!  This residency thing is no joke, with all the days that I just want to break down and punch a wall.  To anyone contemplating medicine, my advice is: do not do it if you can see yourself doing anything else with your life.

Anyway, I've basically been on 5 inpatient rotations back-to-back, starting with NICU, then wards, then 4 weeks of night shift (6:30pm till 8am), then back to wards, then to newborn nursery (which, despite the benign-sounding name, has inpatient hours - 6:30am till 7pm).  That's basically 5 months straight of working 13-14+ hours a day, averaging 6 of 7 days a week.  I've had to work 19 days straight twice already!  Those 19 days are brutal.  And even that's an understatement.

At the end of each day I'm just exhausted.  I barely have time to take care of errands, much less myself!  My chief residents wonder why I don't feel "happy and excited to go to work every day."  Gee, it's not rocket science.  If you basically work twice the "normal" 40 hours/week and have half the number weekend days off in a month, would you be happy and excited even if it's something you love doing?  Likely not, I think.  It's not that I don't love my patients and families - I do.  They're why I haven't quit (well, one of many reasons).  And there are rare moments of joy in my day, but it's so hard to really feel "happy and excited" when it feels like you're just nose to the grindstone every single day.  At least I'm not a surgery resident . . . I'd probably have quit or committed suicide by now.

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On another depressing note, I think I may have lost a friend.  Even back in June I hadn't chatted with him in like a month or so.  Now it feels like all communication has been cut off.  He doesn't respond to Facebook messages, texts, IM's (actually, he doesn't even show up on IM or Skype anymore, leading me to think he has either deleted or blocked me), Tumblr messages, etc.  A couple weeks ago I noticed that he unfollowed me on Tumblr and blocked me, such that none of his posts showed up on my dashboard.

I'm at a loss for words and thoughts.  I don't know what I did.  I know he has a boyfriend who he's quite involved with, is busy with school and work, but it just doesn't explain why he doesn't respond to any mode of communication.  I even called him once or twice and left a voicemail.  I don't know what to do.  I haven't really tried to communicate with him much over the past several weeks, to give him some space.  I'm just at a loss as to why he cut me off like this in the first place.  Maybe it's partly cuz of what we did when we met in person, and given he has a boyfriend now?  Idk.

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On a happier note, I was lucky to have Thanksgiving off so I could go visit my family (I work both Christmas and New Year's).  It's always nice to see my grandparents and my little cousin.  It's such a world removed from work.

And now I'm on vacation visiting my brother in Texas for a few days.  Huzzah!  It's nice to sleep in.  :-)  I'll try to find time to post some pics later this week when I return to my apartment.  After 5 blocks of inpatient rotations back-to-back, these 2 weeks of vacation are sooooo well-deserved.  And I fear it'll fly by quicker than I can blink . . .

An . . . Interesting Start

A few updates are in order I do believe, lol.

1.  Moved across the country!!  Changed my driver's license, car registration, and car plates to this new state.  All within 3 hours (the DMV lady who helped me was SUPER understanding and helpful).

2.  Visited my relatives!  I had my car shipped to my grandpa's place ahead of me so I didn't have to drive across country.  That would've been brutal!  Visiting relatives is fun, I like hanging out with my little cousin here.  My grandpa is just now really seriously starting to push that I be in a relationship and hopefully marry in the near-ish future, before he gets too old and such . . . sigh.

3.  Moved into a new apartment!  It's nice having a 1-bedroom apartment to yourself.  I actually think this apartment is somewhat larger than my old 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath that I shared with my roommate in med school for 4 years, lol.

4.  Met my co-interns!  My co-interns are all super nice and funny people.  And they don't take themselves too seriously, which is good considering we're all pediatricians, haha.  Definitely a group I can see us bonding together and hanging out with during our (borderline non-existent) free time.  Only thing is that most (all?) of them are either married or in long-term relationships, so the significant others will be a major factor in our social gatherings.  I really need to get on that . . .

5.  Had an . . . interesting start to orientation.  We had PALS (pediatric advance life support) training the first 2 days.  On the first day, 6 of us (half the intern year, mind you) came back from lunch about 5 minutes late and the mean stickler instructor lady refused to let us back in.  She told us we had to reschedule and pay for it out-of-pocket . . . that's $250!!  She was totally being unreasonable.  Our program coordinator tried her best to help us sort out the situation and when the Chair of the Pediatrics Department found out how poorly she treated us, he was furious.  It's likely that the program won't be using them next year . . .

6.  Haven't talked to my friend (mentioned in post here) for a LONG time.  I miss chatting with him.  He's out of school for the summer and started a summer job that leaves him tired at the end of the day.  I frequently see him online for short periods of time, but he rarely responds to my messages or texts anymore.  In fact, we haven't chatted in almost a month!  Not for a lack of trying on my part.  I know he's also busy with a few other things, including hanging out with his close friends who're also out for the summer, but still - it kinda hurts.  It really does feel like he's ignoring me as much as he can.  I've decided to just back off for the next few weeks/months and see if he comes around.  Hopefully so, because I do miss chatting with him.  :-(

Phew!  I think you're more or less up-to-date now.  Why're all the girls I'm interested in either married or in long-term relationships, and all the guy's I'm interested in so far away (aka another state/country)?!?!  Sigh.

Officially an MD!! Now What?

Last Thursday: Was hooded by my faculty adviser.  Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).

Last Friday:  Graduated!!  Now officially an MD, woohoo!!

Last Saturday:  Pack pack pack.  Friend's wedding.  Pack.

Sunday:  Pack pack pack.  Last brunch with friends in town.  Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.

Today:  Happy Birthday to me!  Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever.  It was pretty chill.  Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good.  :-)

The First Lady with Grace

I just got done watching the first night of the 2012 National Democratic Convention.  I was floored by Michelle Obama's speech bringing the first night to a close.  I'm also rather floored that it's already posted in its entirety on YouTube for you all to replay.

I believe it connected with many Americans in a very personal way.  It highlighted the struggles to improve one's station in life and that though it may not be realized in one's own life, it can happen through one's children or one's children's children.  It's not dissimilar to the story of my own family, immigrating from Hong Kong in search of a better life.  How my mom's family lived together in one apartment and I was cared for by all family members when I was born.  How my parents, grandparents, and uncles began on food stamps.  How my family worked its butt off to allow me, my brothers, and my cousins to be where we are today.

She tactfully touched upon all the social issues that President Obama has in some way championed - women's rights, healthcare reform, gay rights and marriage, and support for veterans.  She humanized him in a way that only she would be able to do.  She gracefully didn't lampoon the Republicans, something very refreshing to see.  It's easy to see why she's the most popular woman in the US.

I do agree with the news commentator on the TV - the Democrats have the social issues in hand, lock and step, but they need to refocus a good portion of the remaining nights of the Convention on the economic issues.  True, the economy has recovered and is growing, albeit slowly.  But they still need to bring that to the forefront.

I'm Tired . . .

. . . of pushing my APAMSA co-president along. He's pretty lazy and only gets things done when I demand them to be. It's been a while since I last checked up on him, I wonder if he completed the goals we set out for ourselves back in early June.

. . . of pushing my LGBTPM secretary along. He's very hesitant about taking responsibility. He keeps trying to get away with doing less. That's not acceptable because he barely does anything to being with compared to the rest of us.

. . . of reassuring my LGBTPM community chair that we're okay, that even if we've over-extended ourselves, we'll still be fine. She's constantly worried that we're too busy with our ambitions for the groups, but she's only chiefly responsible for 2-3 events.

. . . of making sure my LGBTPM treasurer doesn't explode on me and quit. Apparently, she hates that I send out emails so frequently (not once a day, like she claims). She's a pretty high-strung person, and I always tread carefully around her. She's been really stressed lately, but she has the advantage that most of her events are in the Spring semester - so she has more of a time-buffer than some of us.

. . . of being guilted into doing more work by my FMSA Patient Education co-chair. She is way overburdened this summer with many things, but she hasn't held up her end entirely. She feels that she's doing disproportionately more work than me for this program. In our last email volley summing up our latest meeting together, this appears true on the surface. But, it's her own fault. She keeps adding things to her to-do list that we hadn't originally agreed to deal with; and I keep asking her to tone it down - to deal with our top priorities first and leave her "extras" alone. Does she listen? Not really.

. . . of being responsible for my brothers. I was engaged in a long phone call with my mom last night. My brother in Hong Kong is miserable.

It's hot, humid, and rainy there; he's working 6 days a week, from early morning (I'm guessing 8am or 9am) until 7pm or so; he doesn't know what he's doing at work because he's the only person working on the programming assigned to him; he has no friends there; our relatives eat a lot of veggies and little meat, no juice, and no milk (cuz those things are expensive); and he's clearly homesick. Sending him to Hong Kong for 3 months was a HUGE mistake. And I told my mom this. He's been there for 2 months already. Had our parents sent me or my other brother, we would've been okay - we would've adapted and toughed it out. But my youngest brother, he wasn't ready for this. So my mom begged me to call him in Hong Kong to lift his spirits, to make sure he's eating right, to make sure he drinks enough water, to make sure he survives. So my mom tells me that I'm the only one he really listens to and that only I can help him now.

Knowing my brother, knowing that he'd rather starve himself than eat things he dislikes, knowing that he's miserable, it was a call I was fully prepared to make. Thank God my prayers were answered and he got on an early flight back to the US some time either today or tomorrow. He'll spend a few days/weeks in California with our relatives there - and I know he likes it there almost as much as I do (even if he doesn't show it).
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This wasn't the summer I intended to have. I'm tired of being responsible for others when there's no one giving me the kind of support I need.

Every day while driving back from work, I wish there were someone waiting for me when I returned, or someone's door I could just show up on to hang out. Instead I return to an empty apartment. Instead I return to loneliness.

The long days at work I actually enjoy. At least while I'm working my mind's preoccupied. But how I envy all the people working there who have people to return to at the end of the day. And just like that, I've let myself become my work to distract me from my loneliness. And just like that I keep myself busy to hide the fact that there's no one here for me. And just like that I hate myself a little more.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm not sure I can even deal with this in the morning. I think it's time for an "emergency" call to my best friend before he leaves for Beijing for the rest of the summer on July 4th (what a terrible day to leave the country).

Cool Breeze, Hot Air

I started my pediatric externship on Monday, but I'll get to that later in the next post. This post is devoted to 2 other (shorter) topics.
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I haven't talked to Jay (Online Guy #1) in a long time. Well, we webcammed a couple weeks ago so I could tell him some answers to his homework. -_- Lame. I tried to not overtly give him the answers, as he has to learn to be a nurse somehow! Anyway, other than that, we've barely chatted. Eh.

In contrast, I've been chatting with Drew (Online Guy #2) fairly regularly the last month or so. Alas, all of our convos have been rather short, as I seem to catch him at bad times (this seems to be a recurrent issue). He's been having a rough time these last 2-3 months.

He broke up with his boyfriend (which I didn't know about when I first contacted him). They ended on really bad terms. And he's been dealing with that break-up, being depressed, overly busy, and all that. I haven't pressed anything and have just generally taken a step back and gave him some space. I don't think he's in a spot to think about a relationship at this point . . . maybe soon, who knows.

We have had some pretty good convos though, I think. Chatted about music and composing. Traded composition clips, lol. I think several of our interests/personality quirks overlap, which is good. But here I am, stuck (again). I don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I should. I don't know what to do . . .

Perhaps I should give up on the whole "relationship" thing again, as I obviously don't know what I'm doing or getting myself into. Perhaps I should just things cool and let the breeze take me where it wants. Perhaps I should give up on him - as it seems to be going nowhere. If it is nowhere (which is likely), then it's nowhere. It's a rather lonely summer. :-/
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On a completely unrelated topic, my parents called a few days ago. So, my brother got into med school here (good for him). Since my mom's out of a job and my dad doesn't make that much, they want my brother to move in with me and my roommate.

Neither my brother nor I am thrilled at that prospect. We could easily get on each other's nerves pretty quickly. After some debating, I reluctantly relented (as did my brother), so we're compromising and just gritting our teeth and dealing with it. But I think my parents are pushing their luck too far. See, they also want my brother and me to share a bedroom - which we both adamantly refuse.

My roommate and I had agreed to convert a good chunk of the living/dining room into a psuedo-bedroom (since neither of us use that space much at all). My brother's fine with this arrangement (again, not thrilled, but better than sharing a bedroom together). Unfortunately, my parents refuse to this agreement. It's just ridiculous! Their reasoning is simply, "You're brothers - you have to share a room since it's so large." -_-

My ears are still blowing off hot air. My brother and I are really pissed at this. What'll probably end up happening is just us both banding together and putting our feet down. They can corner one of us, but not both of us at the same time.

*Rage-vents*

Right now, both my brother and I (ideally) hope he miraculously gets off the wait-list at another med school in the next month or so.

The Next Generation

Apologies for not posting in such a while. It's been getting hectic (and I haven't even started studying for finals yet!) with being president/co-president of 2 student groups. And I'm still recovering from this weekend. Let's back-track a wee bit.

Last Thursday I helped out with the "LGBT Health Night" event. It had a surprisingly good turnout! I learned some things, made a couple contacts. Of the things I learned was how difficult it was to proper interact with transgendered people in a health care setting (I'm still rather bamboozled about it all). Immediately after the event ended, I drove about 1.5 hours to my uncle's house, where I stayed the night.

Last Friday, I took a city train from my uncle's house to Union Station, where I took the Megabus to my destination. About 5 hours away. Bleh. I attempted to read endocrine physiology on the bus. Bad idea - I just got nauseous for a while. That was unpleasant. :-/ When I arrived, a friend picked me up and we stopped by her house to drop my stuff off. Then we walked the 30 minutes to campus from her house. Two more friends joined us where we ate dinner.

After dinner, we trekked across campus to a new frozen yogurt place called Lab. It was certainly interesting, and really yummy. You had a choice of 4 frozen yogurt flavors and an assortment of toppings. The price you pay is dependent on the weight of your frozen yogurt + toppings. I wish that frozen yogurt place had been around when I was still in undergrad. Feeling stuffed, we walked (slowly) around campus some more.

We walked by the newly finished North Quad, where my youngest brother will be staying next year (so jealous).

As well as the walkway between the Undergrad Science Building, overlooking a dorm and field.

The last trip of the night was at Bubble Island, where in undergrad we gathered quite frequently to consume bubble tea (something that doesn't seem to exist in the state I'm currently residing in).

On the way back to my friend's house, I noticed and snapped a pic of this sticker (random, I know):

The following morning, Saturday, I got up at 6:00am. Why, you ask? Because we all had to get ready for graduation - my friend's and my brother's. Saturday was Spring Commencement, and it was a truly special graduation. Unfortunately, at around 6:20am it started pouring. Fortunately, I had bought a rain poncho the day before.

By the time my parents came by to pick us up around 7:30am to go to the stadium, where commencement was being held, the rain had mostly let up. The crowd at the stadium was insane! And security was pretty intense, with metal detectors and all that. Not quite as bad as airport security though, hehe. We managed to get inside the stadium and to some seats by about 9am.

Spring Commencement formally started at 11am or so. It's always cool to see the professors and deans and such walk up on stage in their full academic regalia, robes and hoods and all, while carrying the flags of their respective departments. There were a couple special guests at this particular graduation.

The first was the state governor. Her speech was very . . . political and suck-up-ish. No one was particularly enthused by her, lol. The real star attraction of Spring Commencement was President Obama. Yes, President Obama. Did you notice the secret service agents standing at the top of the stadium in the previous pic?

It truly was quite special to have President Obama give the commencement address to the graduates. How I envy my brother and my friends graduating from grad school this year! My Spring Commencement was so lackluster by comparison. Alas (though it was still a nice graduation). Obama gave a solid speech for about 32 minutes. There was a moment in there that I felt was a bit too political and not exactly apropos for the occasion, but he ended on a very nice note. Overall the excitement from that stadium, from the graduates and friends and family, was nothing short of overwhelming.

An except towards the end of President Obama's speech:

"The men and women who sat in your chairs 10 years ago and 50 years ago and 100 years ago –- they made America possible through their toil and their endurance and their imagination and their faith. Their success, and America’s success, was never a given. And there is no guarantee that the graduates who will sit in these same seats 10 years from now, or 50 years from now, or 100 years from now, will enjoy the same freedoms and opportunities that you do. You, too, will have to strive. You, too, will have to push the boundaries of what seems possible. For the truth is, our nation’s destiny has never been certain."

And so the onus is with the next generation, as it almost always is.

After Spring Commencement, the remainder of my weekend was unremarkable. Sunday morning I woke up at 5:20am to catch the Megabus at 7:30am back to my uncle's place (the outbound Megabus was about 1 hour from my house). After a quick lunch, I had to drive the 1.5-2 hours back to my apartment.

I'm still recovering from all that lack of sleep. But I think it was worth it. :-)

2009 in Summary, 2010 Resolutions

end of the line by *Blepharopsis on deviantART

It's now the close of 2009 and the just before the beginning of 2010. Let's take a look at my 2009 Resolutions. Hmm, seems that I was quite successful on some points but woefully failed at others. Such is to be expected I suppose. Let's see how 2009 went (using the 2008 in Summary template):
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2009 in summary (and this is by no means an exhaustive list):

Winter Semester (January - April):
- Got a new roommate (or apartment-mate, I suppose). He was alright, except when he cooked, then the apartment reeked of kimchi.
- Was a GSI for the undergrad Intro to Genetics course. Was totally kick-ass at it! :-P Read about some of it here.
- Got over 10,000 views on my blog! Not particularly exciting, just being amused.
- Went to China over Spring Break with other public health students and faculty. It rocked!! Read parts I, II, III, and IV.
- Was performing poorly in research, but was able to get a second chance to redeem myself. I hope I actually did redeem myself . . .
- Worked on an epic final project with my friend, AG-F, for a class. Read about the genius here!
- Got straight A's (somehow) in all my grad school courses. Grad school wasn't so hard . . .
- Said my farewells to the city of my undergrad. :-( Pictures here.

Summer (May - August)
- Was going to travel around in China! Then the swine flu scare, and my trip got canceled. T.T
- Saw the Star Trek movie twice, lol; the first time with a friend (YY-F), the second time with another friend (SR-F) and my brothers.
- Saw Up with my brothers.
- Went to my old roommate's, AW-M's, wedding in July.

Fall Semester (Late August - December)
- Started med school.
- Volunteered at a free clinic (with pretty much all the other M1s, lol).
- Gave an obesity presentation at a nearby high school.
- Joined the LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine) student group.
- Came out to my labmate, Leslie.
- Visited SN-F in Chicago when SR-F came to visit. :-D
-> Saw Where the Wild Things Are with SR-F and the roommate.
- Got a pediatrics externship for summer 2010!!
- Finished first semester of med school. :-O
- Saw Avatar in 3D with SR-F and my brother. Good movie!
- Saw Sherlock Holmes with both my brothers. Good movie!
- Met an old friend, JR-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. JR-M had been my next-door neighbor for 7-8 years of my life.
- Met an old friend, JS-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. I had known JS-M since elementary school.

Year-Round
- Met many great (new) bloggers and have had the wonderful opportunity to chat with several of you online. You make my days and I'm so thankful for getting to know you. :-)
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2010 Resolutions

I'm going to take it easy on the resolutions this year. I'll try not to make "benchmarks" for myself.

1. Be healthier. Eat healthier, exercise at least 3-4 days/week. De-stress more. Hopefully the rest will follow.

2. Take more pictures, record more memories.

3. Keep in contact with friends. Solidify new friendships.

4. Keep up in med school. Do a bit better academically, take more advantages of certain things.

5. Pursue what may be (I hope) the beginnings of a relationship. It's a secret. Well, I guess it isn't so much now that I've mentioned it here . . . but no details for you till later. ;-)
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Now to plug some new blogs that I've recently began Following. I'm still catching up in reading all their posts, but all in due time.

A Beautifool Chaos
Frozen with a Heart on Fire
Rock James Bottom

If you haven't visited them, definitely stop by and say hi in 2010!!

Second Thoughts

Hmm, it's a funny thing. I'm not IN med school yet and already it's intimidating me.

The M1 year starts on August 17th and goes until May 28th. Wow, I haven't been in school for that long since high school! From what I could tell from last year's M1 weekly schedule, classes usually go from 8am until 5pm most days, Monday through Friday. At first I was like, "Wtf, that's A LOT of class time!" Especially since my friends at other med schools go from 8am to noon or 1pm. But in retrospect, it's not AS bad as I thought. Last semester in grad school I went from 8:30am or 9am until 6pm or 6:30pm most days (see post here); and, I would have to leave for class at 8am and not be able to get back to my apartment until about 6:20pm or 7pm due to the buses. So yeah, it's not going to be too bad (but it's still a heck of a lot of class time).

Now, the other thing that's a kicker is my financial aid, which I got in the mail today. It's really confusing but let me attempt to explain. I can get up to about $45K awarded in loans; however, the med school is only "allowing" me to borrow $20.5K. How am I supposed to make up that difference?! Neither my parents nor I have that much money. Granted, the above amount doesn't include institutional aid (like grants and scholarships) but I won't know how much I'll get until orientation in August. And it seems I have to make an appointment with a financial aid counselor to "unlock" the rest of my loans. Grrr, this doesn't make much sense to me. Why's financial aid always so confusing?!

All this has caused me to have second thoughts, however brief. I mean, I could've just graduated from the school of public health with my MPH (Master's in Public Health). And a really good MPH at that, coming from one of the top 5 public health schools in the US. In addition, I would graduate essentially debt-free if I held a GSI teaching position for the remaining 2 semesters (which should be easy, as I was really great at it before). Okay, so yeah, I have to return about $10,000 in loans - but really, that would be super-easy with a GSI position. And an MPH is quite valuable and helpful, so I'd be making decent money (not great, but not bad). And of course, I would be helping people.

So I wondered: is this all worth it? The grueling class and time? The possible (likely) hundreds of thousands in debt accrued over 4 years? The LONG hours and crappy pay of residency? For a moment I doubted it all. Before I knew all this was coming but now that it's here, it's really scary to think about. But of course I've already committed myself, there's no backing out now. I just need to tell myself that everything will work out in the end.

And of course, if you actually read all the rambling above or just skipped to here, I shall reward you with something I came across on someone's blog a while back (I forget who's).


This song was stuck in my head for a day. I really like it, and I love the violin playing.


I LOVE the jazzy style of this song. I've been looking for something like this for a little while.

Cancellation in Plans

First of all, to those who wished me a Happy Birthday, thank you!! Especially since I didn't make any announcement of it on my blog.

My birthday was actually pretty meh. I spent most of the time on the road to Chicago with my parents (my brothers stayed home). I celebrated Memorial Day weekend with my uncle's family and my grandparents (who were in town for a wedding). Consequently, I wasn't able to get on the internet long enough to post.

Anyway, as originally mentioned in this post, I was supposed to leave for Beijing on May 31st and come back to the US on June 27th. It was going to be awesome. Well, cancellation in plans. It looks like I'm not going. And here's how it went down.

3-4 weeks ago my grandparents called my great-uncle in Beijing to see if I could stay with him and his family. Also around this time, China was becoming a little worried about swine flu. So my grandpa also asked whether my great-uncle could find me somewhere else to live instead if I couldn't live with him. My great-uncle agreed.

Then suddenly cases of swine flu began popping up in Beijing and especially in Japan. As most US flights into Beijing must first stop by Japan, Beijing was getting nervous. About 2 weeks ago, my great-uncle called my uncle and grandparents to inform them that people were being quarantined as soon as they stepped off the plane if anyone on that plane was suspected to have swine flu. Several hundred people have been quarantined for a week in specific hospitals; granted, the vast majority of those people were fine. It was suggested that it would be better if I didn't go.

Well, my friends JW-M (currently in Beijing) and RZ-F (landing in Beijing soon) both felt it would be fine for me to go, that the Chinese were just overreacting and that I wouldn't really be personally affected. I held my ground against my parents and was still fairly set on going and taking my chances. I suggested that I could stay with JW-M for a week or so and then reside in RZ-F's Beijing apartment, because she'll be living with her relatives. And I could live in a hotel or hostel in the interim as I move between the two places.

My parents were yielding, mainly because my grandparents were on my side all the way to the end. It was looking up. Until yesterday. My grandpa again called my great-uncle and great-aunt to see if they could secure me another place to live while I was in Beijing. My great-aunt had been looking into student exchange-type things, where I'd live with a local family and teach their kid(s) English and they'd teach me Chinese and give me tips on traveling in the area. However, no one wants Americans to live with them. Word by mouth had been passed down through several communities in Beijing to avoid foreigners if at all possible. If an American would to stay with a family, even if the American were a relative, that household would be temporarily "ostracized" until the swine flu hype was over. Social stigma by association - it's a bitch.

With that, my grandparents were convinced that it was best that I didn't go. My grandparents didn't want to "guilt" my great-uncle further into letting me stay with them. My grandparents and parents knew all too well how the Chinese think in this respect, and while they also believe it's an overreaction, it wouldn't be a good idea to go if the people were going to be unwelcoming. And because my grandparents effectively have the final say in the family, that was that. I'm not going. T.T

Time Limit's Almost Up

Okay, time limit's almost up.

Every time I come home, I seem to want to be home for a shorter and shorter duration. I mean, seriously, I've only been home since Tuesday and already I want to leave! Parental nagging gets more and more annoying. I would fire off my mouth like my youngest brother, but that would not lead to (good) results. No, best to let the wave hit and pass than fight the wave and be consumed by an even greater fury.

I must say, I am amused that my parents are nagging me about going to China for the month of June. As if I didn't know the proper etiquette and culture (which I DO know most of the "rules"). Seriously, I think perhaps my parents have issues letting go and recognizing that my brothers and I have/are grown up.

And my other brother is taking the MCAT and applying to med schools this summer. And so that round of all too familiar nagging begins - this time towards him and not me. It's interesting watching the exchange, the whole "good cop bad cop" routine. "You should do this!" says dad. "Well, we're not actually asking for that. Do only half that," says mom (and even half whatever is still an undertaking). And the bouncing of dialogue between one another, ganging up - I HATE that. Ugh.

Then they drag me in. "Why don't you help your brother? You've already gone through the process, you know what to do and what not to do. Tell him!" Why, I would love to tell him. But first he must ask me what he wants to know and also be receptive to hearing what I have to say. I also want him to try to wade through things a bit on his own so I'm not guiding his hand through the damned med school application process. It didn't exactly go peachy perfect for me when I went through that process . . .

Okay, enough ranting. Anyway, moral of all this ranting is: home is good for a short duration. But the time limit's almost up and soon I might go insane. Just a couple more weeks until China . . . speaking of which, I should REALLY get to planning what I'm going to do once I land (if for no other reason than to appease my parents and get them off my backs - but they have a good point, they usually do, it's just executed poorly).

---TANGENT---
A pretty new and still shiny blog! Check out Jeremy at Falling Through the Void. Great guy, great to chat with, even if he's a little shy on asking questions.
---END TANGENT---

Summer Starts Now

Summer starts now.

I'm home now for the summer. Not working this summer; I usually work in a lab for most of the summer, but not this year. I'm taking this summer right before med school easy. I still need to find an apartment and roommate for this next academic year in med school . . . but I think I'll wait until the orientation stuff is available online. Supposedly they'll have a means to contact other incoming med students as well as housing info.

My parents bought me tickets to China!! I'll be leaving May 31st and coming back June 27th. The tickets were "free" due to my dad's frequent flyer miles (I only have about half as many miles as he does, so I could've bought a "free" ticket one-way to China). I'll most likely be staying with a great-uncle and his side of the family while I'm there in Beijing. I don't know them at all, so this'll be interesting. Additionally, JW-M and RZ-F will both be in Beijing during my time there.

I plan to spend a few days with JW-M and a week or so with RZ-F. That leaves about 2 weeks for me to bond (or whatnot) with my family there. I'm so excited! And yet, apprehensive. Same reasons as last time I went - what if my Chinese isn't good enough? This time I'll have to really step up my game, as last time I went with a group of people from school and we had each other's backs. Plus, my Chinese last time was mostly limited to "translation duty," which is easier than maintaining a full conversation in Chinese at length. Also, this time I'll have to find and coordinate correspondences with my roommate-to-be in the fall at med school (so having the internet is a necessity - but this shouldn't be difficult to obtain).

Anyway, other than that, I've no solid idea of what I'll be doing in China. Any suggestions/ideas? I am, however, somewhat bound by who I'm with at any moment.

In other news, my last final grade has been released to my transcript. Stupid biostatistics course - I took your final 2 weeks ago and you JUST post the grades?! Sigh. Whatever, I got an A! This means I got straight A's this last semester in grad school. W00t! Totally 8.000'd that GPA (I think it's out of 9.000 . . . not sure). Pwn. :D

Alas, I somehow managed to gain 15 lbs in the last 3 weeks. Fuck. Time to start running, and eating not. Fail. :(

Jump Start

Wow it's been over a week since I last blogged. o.O I've been busy and tired like never before. A few highlights are warranted, I suppose. This is a surprisingly long post that I didn't intend on being so long. But there's your disclaimer.

Jump Start
So last Saturday my parents came by so I could take them to the airport and then I'd have the car with me for a week while they were in CA celebrating my grandpa's 80th birthday. Getting to the airport was fine, getting back was fine. It was very overcast, so my car lights were on. No big deal, they usually turn themselves off.

I went inside to just waste some time before I had to go down to central campus for GSI training. Well, an hour and half later I come out and see my lights still on! I thought, "Well, it's been less than 2 hours, how drained could the battery possibly be?" The engine wouldn't start. The breaks locked. Every warning light flashed on. :(

Yesterday morning a friend of mine, EA-F, helped me jump start my car. And it worked!! I gave her a ride to class on central campus, and drove around a bit to charge my car battery. Last time I checked (which was last night) the car still works. Hopefully it'll stay that way until I pick up my parents this Saturday afternoon.

Teaching
I've come to realize that I actually like teaching quite a bit. I like "imparting knowledge" on to others. I like seeing that lightbulb turn on in their eyes (doesn't always happen, but I've had a decent success rate). Being a GSI for the undergrad intro genetics course has been quite rewarding, if not exhausting at times. Each week, I actually look forward to teaching and it's just a high point in my day some days. We had extra office hours this week and end of last week because their first exam was last night. So many people came to office hours! Usually very few people (if anyone) shows up at all.

Proctoring the exam was alright. There were 2 GSIs to each of the two rooms where the exam was held (about 200 students per room). It went pretty smoothly overall, and no one seemed to cheat (as far as I could tell). Towards the end, with 30 minutes left, one girl started to have a massive nosebleed. There was blood all over her exam but, thankfully, not her scantron. I excused her to the bathroom. She came back and still turned in her exam early, so I think she was almost done when that happened. We probably would've given her a few extra minutes if she needed it.

And after the exam, no comes to office hours. XD So I'm here, in my office hours, typing this because no one has (nor will) show up today.

At This Rate . . .
Last Friday in lab, I (almost) royally fucked up my experiment. If I had actually messed up and my PI knew, he might've fired me. I would've fired me at any rate. But first let me back up.

That morning, at 8:30am, we had lab meeting as we always do on Fridays. I had to present my (lack of) data. The PI chewed my head off when I got the verification slide. Thankfully, the two researchers I work with and another grad student came to my rescue and defended me.

So I was doing my experiment, all fine and dandy. I went to teach my two discussion sections and then held office hours afterwards. And then, after all that, returned to the lab to finish my experiment. Half an hour before the end of the experiment, I added an enzyme that I shouldn't have. Basically, this enzyme degrades and destroys the sample I was trying to extract and purify. Luckily my researcher caught it before the enzyme had a chance to completely destroy my samples.

I can't believe this happened! In my defense, it was a long day (8:30am to 7pm straight) and I was following the protocol blindly. The protocol had this one small bolded section on the previous page that I didn't see that told me I wasn't supposed to add the enzyme . . . Sigh. I think when I'm that tired, if the protocol told me to sacrifice two mice to the lab gods I would've found a way.

And on Monday in my lab class, I added the wrong solution to the tubes. Luckily I caught it before I added my samples to those tubes. At this rate I won't be able to pipette by the end of the semester!

Rage with Righteous Fury
This will be brief, because I do not want to and cannot go into details without identifying the individual(s) involved because at least one of them reads this blog. When you read this, please forgive me for typing this out (and don't identify yourself unless you really want to :P). If you email me, I will happily delete this section.

I got an email from a friend the other day who I talk to frequently. He was ranting about something that went horribly wrong with someone he cared about when that person was just a young kid. It was a medical issue. Something got botched - maybe not visibly on the outside, but definitely underneathe the skin.

Being who I am, and caring too much about others as I do, I researched the possible ways it could've happened. I'm pretty confident in my diagnosis of the problem, but to the best of my (nascent) knowledge, there's no solution to the problem. The damage is done and is likely permanent, unless a graft or stem cell therapy is possible (neither is likely I think).

As my friend told me more, the situation got worse and worse. It went from what might've been a medical mishap/accident (things happen, isn't always the doctor's fault) to clear medical malpractice to nothing short of cruelty and torture. And I can't believe it happened in the US. I can't believe a doctor would act so unethically and that the family would be so uncaring and dismissive. It literally haunts me to think it happened the way it did. I think that "doctor" forgot the first tenet of medicine: Above all else, first do no harm.

Edit: My friend allowed me to disclose a few more details about what happened to the person he cared about. So what happened to this person is that he had a circumcision when he was 7-years-old or so. Something went wrong and the anesthesia didn't work right. They kept injecting anesthesia into his penis repeatedly as he screamed and cried. After the circumcision, he suddenly lost the vast majority of feeling in the head of his penis and now can barely feel a thing there. There are more details that would reveal the unethical and more cruel/torturous side of this, but I'll spare you all.

And so, as I write this, I'm burning at the thought and I want justice to be restored. Reparations, at least bodily reparation, is very unlikely. But again, I'm not a doctor (yet) and I'm certainly not a specialist in the fields required. And sometimes I ask myself, why do I care so much to let something that happened to someone I don't know and probably will never meet get to me?

Okay, I guess it wasn't that brief. Sue me (but really, please don't - save that for the "doctor" in question).

Other Highlights
On a completely different topic, I've been talking to more bloggers online! :D There are bloggers from everywhere (though a ton seem to be concentrated in CA). I love getting to know people from all over the place.

Hmm, I would say something more interesting here right now. But my office hours are about up and I'm going to head to the gym soon. I'll blog about something more . . . interesting later. ;-)

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Happy Chinese New Year!! :D

新年快乐，恭喜发财，身体健康！ (xin1 nian2 kuai4 le4, gong1 xi3 fa1 cai2, shen1 ti3 jian4 kang1!)

The above means: Happy New Year, may your year be prosperous and full of good wishes, and may your body be healthy!

I went home for the weekend for Chinese New Year. Ate. So. Much. Food. It's going to take a while to work all this off, oh well. I said the above Chinese to my grandparents before I left for school again. It was nice hearing my grandparents' laughter - it's so full-bodied and full of life, just ripples through and puts a smile on your face. I truly mean the words above when I say it to them.

One of my primary life goals is to be like my grandparents - to be healthy (my grandparents have VERY few health problems, *knocks on wood*) and happy in my old age, and surrounded by family. All else is pretty secondary.

Oh, and I got the traditional red envelop (see example below) with about $100 inside from my parents. I'll put this in the bank in a couple days.

---TANGENT---
So, my youngest brother is getting a B/B+ in his English class. My parents are annoyed that he got C's on two of his essays. To which my other brother remarks, "It doesn't matter if he gets a B or a C, it's failing anyway." This obviously refers to the Asian benchmark that if it's not an A, then it's failing. We got a good laugh out of this. My youngest brother already got into the school of engineering here, so my parents don't actually care that much about this class (unless he gets less than a B).

To be fair though, my youngest brother is only one of 3 guys in his English class. And his teacher is apparently a huge feminist and they have to read feminist books, short stories, and articles all the time. In all honesty, if I had to read what he reads, I'd be bored out of my mind and probably get a B as well.
---END TANGENT---

Passing on the Torch

I'm back at my university now! I start classes on Wednesday. -_-

Break was a bit too short, and yet at the same time too long. I can't stand being at home - sharing a room with my brother (long story), colder temperatures than in my apartment, sedentary as a barnacle all day, feeling lethargic . . . it's just not me. I also gained 6-7 lbs over break, fuck! It's okay, that weight isn't "real," it'll disappear in 2-3 weeks of subsisting on my own food and working out regularly.

So I come back to my apartment in the midst of my old Japanese roommate leaving and my new Korean roommate settling in. The first thing that hit me was the 80-85 degrees F. It was way too warm, especially in my room where it's an additional 2-5 degrees warmer. So I turned the heat down "back to normal."

I'm not sure if I said this, but my old roommate decided that the commute to his classes was too far (about 30 minutes by 2 buses). So he wanted to live in an apartment closer to central campus. My new Korean roommate (from Korea) is a material science engineer in his senior year, so he'll be much closer to his classes than I'll be to mine. He's here from January until July, which is conveniently when our lease ends. For a Korean (from Korea) he speaks remarkably good and unaccented English. He seems nice and pretty laid back. We'll see. My old roommate's still lingering around, as he still has some stuff left in the apartment that he hasn't moved out yet.

The apartment is in that chaotic transition state right now. I'm waiting for the dust to clear before I vacuum, sweep, and dust. I can't stand a dirty apartment (I'm not so anal as to require a spotless apartment, I just like to be able to walk barefoot anywhere in my own apartment), so I'm hoping things settle down pretty fast so I can clean a bit.

I have a GSI training session tomorrow from 8:30am until 5:30pm. Gross! At least we get free breakfast and lunch. After that I'll probably go see what books I need to buy. My friend should be back in town by the time I'm done so we can catch dinner and go grocery shopping. My financial aid situation's been all up in the air somewhat in the last few days, as I see random money being given and taken away from me. It's kind of odd. I hope things clear quickly so I know what my billing statement is by Wednesday, when the tuition bill is due.
-----
A quick note on something before I forget (and I'm sure I'll do a more in-depth post on it later). I don't think I can come out to my parents any time within the next 4 years. In other words, I'll need to be done with med school and in residency somewhere else. The ridiculous new proposal of some southern state (Alabama or Louisiana) where single parents and gay parents aren't allowed to adopt came up. My parents don't see what's wrong with that law. My brothers and I kind of argued that there are no studies that support that law logically. Yet my mom still believed that kids raised in such an environment would grow up to be not-quite-right, not gay themselves necessarily, but not quite right - as if they'd get messed up.

Gay marriage also came up briefly and my parents don't see why gay marriage should be recognized legally (granted, they didn't argue against gay marriage, but still). Their thinking (and specifically my mom's) is that both partners would be working, what's the big deal with joint benefits? I think if there was ever legislation in my state to ban gay marriage (too late, actually), my parents would probably not vote on that issue. I'd like to think that, while they're personally against it, they don't have a good enough reason against it. I know that if I come out as bi or gay to my parents, they'll think it's their fault. They'll think either they raised me wrong, or there's something genetic about it, or that there must've been some bad karma (something like that) in either their or my past lives.

I think there are two conditions that must be met before I will think about coming out to my parents. The first is that I am completely independent from them, so after med school. The second is if I'm madly in love with a guy who's "worth fighting for" and who I can see spending the rest of my life with. As of right now, neither condition is met and so I continue to bide my time. I get a cold chill when I think about some of the things they've said.

---TANGENT---
Okay, enough of my boring-ish day and pseudo-parental issues. I've caught up with 2 new-ish blogs. They are:

Life On The DL
Writing Fiction

I'm sure they're no strangers here, but head on over and say hi! :D
---END TANGENT---

Mask of Caring

---DISCLAIMER---
This post is a continuation of my last post, here. Be careful when reading this post. The tone of this post may not come out as I intend. It is not with sadness or loneliness that I post. For now it's merely an observation, a musing over the last several days. This post is rather long.
---END DISCLAIMER---

The more I come to realize about myself, the more I realize that my life is not always my own . . .

What I'm about to say I've never told anyone, and I doubt anyone remembered the event at any rate. When I was around 7-years-old or so, I wasn't all that well-behaved (are there any well-behaved 7-year-olds?). Once, my mom got so pissed that she swore at me in Chinese. It was the phrase 该死 (gai1 si3). I didn't know it meant "Damn it" as the second character, 死, means "death." I thought that she wanted me dead or something. So I went to the kitchen, took out a knife, walked back upstairs, and gave it to my mom. And told her to just kill me as clearly my life was causing her problems, and that if she didn't do it, I would. Of course she freaked out and never said that about me (or later my brothers) again.

Flash forward a decade or so. In high school and in my undergrad, I was the friend that others went to for help. I may not have been at the top my class (particularly so in my undergrad), but I had a way of explaining things that others understood, even if I myself didn't quite completely understand. Many of my friends weren't as eloquent at explaining things back to me, so I didn't get much out of this. My mom found this very annoying actually, and she would often say, "Why does so and so ask you for help? You always help them, but they never help you back! You're always giving them knowledge and get nothing in return. You need to be more shrewd and say 'I don't know' every now and then, you can't just let them take everything you know and then do better on the exams than you."

Even now this rings true, perhaps more so. And yet I continue to do it. I continue to help. I think my one jewel, perhaps my one defining characteristic and curse is that I sometimes care too much for others I know and get relatively little in return. Ironic how it's almost eerily similar to the doctor-patient relationship: you want a caring doctor who listens, yet you're "done" with them once you leave the office. This then, is my Mask of Caring.

When I was in high school, I would wake up an extra 20 minutes early or so and make breakfast and pack lunches for my brothers. Everything would be ready by the time they woke up, brushed their teeth, and came downstairs. I would proof my brothers' college application essays. I was the one to truly push and motivate them where my parents failed. In my own small way, I guided them without forcing them (unlike my parents, lol).

I'm no saint by any means. I hardly do much volunteering anymore. In high school I would volunteer for all these community service clubs, but I found too many of them shallow and purposeless. I would do things but never interact with - or even see - the people I was supposedly helping. I've found that in some respects, such undergrad service clubs are similar. Instead I did biomedical research. Although I'll never see the faces of the people my research may one day (in the distant-ish future) help, I know that it will help someone, someday. I've had a hand in breast cancer research, human genetic deafness, and colorectal cancer. These are not uncommon things that plague society. Yet I know I will never gain any glory (aka first authorship) from my research.

And whenever a friend needed help with something, no matter how reluctant I was, I would do it unless I had a legitimate excuse that trumped (which doesn't come up often, except during finals week). I was the one constant, the "rock" in people's lives. JW-M would rant to me, RZ-F would rant to me, SR-F would vent her frustrations to me. I took it upon myself really - no matter how much they didn't want to tell, I would elicit it out of them because I knew they needed to talk to someone. For a long time I was able to listen, passively, stoically, process, then give advice. I let things pass through me so they didn't affect me personally.

Then things changed, I don't know when. When someone was down, I became down. When someone was happy, it would temporarily lift me out of whatever state I was in. Reading the events surrounding other bloggers the last month or so has been rougher on me emotionally than I even realized. It was difficult to study for my final exams. I may sit here passively, stoically on the outside, but inside I cared. And it hurts, almost physically, when I find out a person can't confide in me. And although it's easy to just ignore my Google Reader while I studied, I had to know what's going on if at all possible.

It's easy for me to care less (aka, not think about) people I've never met, don't know in any way, and are removed from my life. But once a person enters my life, even at the very periphery, I can't help but care. Even if they don't talk to me much, don't reveal much to me, I will care. I don't know what it is, it almost feels like a duty for me to care. As if caring is a duty that we as humans owe to each other - to care unconditionally, without any real thanks even. How many times my friends have asked me why I cared about x, y, and z. Because I do, because I must.

I don't reveal much about my inner self, not even on this blog where I'm quite open, considering. I wonder how many people care to find out. I wonder what readers out there think about me - if I'm just talking out of my ass or actually being sincere. I know I don't come across as the most emotional blogger. That's just how my writing is. In caring for/about others, I've left little room for myself. Hence, my life is not always my own . . . I live, in a good part, for others I think.

And again, I don't really get much out of it. It's not like my brothers help me much. Actually, they try to get out of helping me wherever possible, lol. And despite helping others - in my lab, my friends, etc - it's not like I'm rewarded. Heck, most of the time I'm not even invited to things as they simply "forget" to invite me. Even the best amongst my friends - JW-M, SR-F, RZ-F, etc - will sometimes invite me as almost an afterthought at the last moment.

It's all okay, I suppose. I don't dwell on this much. I suppose the one thing I want most in this world is someone in person to love and care about who cares and loves me enough to want to figure out everything about me, and then reflect my care back on to me. I think, that's the only way I can truly care about myself in a positive way. At any rate, my Mask of Caring is almost a duty I undertake - to care almost unconditionally about others that I personally know.

---TANGENT---
So, for the last 2 days, I've been relentless catching up on two blogs in particular. Two blogs that many bloggers who read mine are well-acquainted with. They are:

Mirrorboy's Blog
Right Time and Place

If you haven't had a chance to go over and say hi, I suggest doing so. :P

Also, I'm still fighting for my A in Pathophysiology. The ONLY way I could get an A- is if they "standardized" the letter grades, which is weird and unfair. I can't let the ONE class I actually really CARED about give me an A- when the average according to the average points on my exams give me an A. Grrr.

I also read something in the news that made my blood boil. I won't talk about it here, that's for another post in the future.
---END TANGENT---

Thanksgiving Thoughts

A belated Thanksgiving thought. I went to bed a couple nights ago with a random smile, as I thought of how my grandpa will be 80 in about 3 months and how he's still so ridiculously healthy (no medication of any kind). I'm thankful that he's in amazing health, that he wakes up with a smile almost every day, that he's still enjoying what life has to offer.

In a different vein, I'm thankful for all the e-friends I've made through this blog. I'm thankful for the (seemingly) handful of readers that come my way. While it hasn't felt like I've changed much or grown since I started this blog, I know that to be false. The bigger question is, what's the next step?

I want to make a massive overture to a particular subject that I'm thankful for. Those with access to it probably don't think much on it, but rather, just expect it. My next post, the one on this, may be a while from now. I'm considering taking a mini-hiatus for a week or so (somehow I don't think I'll be misssed) to finish my term paper and study for my 4-5 exams. In the mean time, I hope these random thoughts below amuse you.

1. So, for the last few days, I kept thinking I had an appointment with my adviser at 2pm tomorrow (Monday, Dec. 1). But I knew that I'd have to miss my pathophysiology lecture about 30 minutes early, and that's my favorite class. I agreed, and she was meeting with all her advisees at once I think, somewhere on the 6th floor. I realize now that it was all a dream. There is no appointment meeting. Now I wonder how much of my other scheduling events are the result of a dream. Hmmm.

2. I had a dream last night where I was traveling to Beijing, China. My dad was with me for some reason. We drove to the airport, where we got on a plane but we had to transfer to another plane for some reason in Chicago or something. My dad got in a fight with the pilot and was then handcuffed to his seat. So we're on this plane to San Francisco (my dad handcuffed to his seat), where we stop before arriving in Beijing. For some reason I was really anxious and/or apprehensive about flying, which I rarely am. There were storms expected ahead and I wasn't sure if the pilot was going to attempt to fly through them or go around. Anyway, I woke up mid-dream and I tried forcing myself back to sleep to finish the dream. I hate waking up mid-dream. Anyone else do that?

3. Some Lolcats pics. From this site, of course.

I love this site, haha. It's the most addicting distraction I've come across in a while. My friend and I just kept sending each other links for about an hour.

4. Last, but not least, I'd like to introduce (who haven't come across it yet) the blog Equal Eight. It's rather hilarious, so go over and say hi! :D

The Value of Friendship

---TANGENT---
As James pointed out to me, we bloggers in this circle seem to go through cycles of depression and the like. He may post about it, we'll see. Several bloggers have been feeling down of late, like AJ and Landyn. Others might have "coming out anxiety" like Charlie and E. We should all be good friends and give them lots of love and encouragement, as well as the gall to drag them out of the mire of down-ness.
---END TANGENT---

On the outside I usually try to stay as calm and as stoic as possible, as it helps to quite down my emotions enough to allow me to think (and we all know how I tend to over-think). But unbeknownst to many, I have a tendency to soak up the emotions of others. So I often get happy when others around me are happy, and down when others around me are sad or stressed. Even if my own personal situation doesn't concord with those of others, the emotions of others sometimes take priority over my own. I don't know if this is a good or bad then when the lines between my emotions and the emotions of others become blurred.

A couple days ago I was in the bank depositing a check. As I stood in line my eyes began to tear up for no reason at all. I wasn't personally sad, I didn't keep my eyes open for a really long time, and I don't think it was an allergen in the air. But for some reason my eyes just welled up and although I didn't cry, I sure felt it.

I think it was the "weight of the world" kind of thing. How for a while now I've internalized the emotions infused into the posts of other bloggers, and how I've had to deal with my own things. I won't go into them here as it'd only make me sound emo or something, and I'm totally not an emo kind of guy.

I spent much of the evening bumming around in my apartment - without motivation, without inspiration, without want to do anything. I was just lonely and crawling by. Then I IMed my friend, JW-M. (For those who're new, he's probably my best friend from university here and is currently in China for a year.) He just replied, "Hey, I'm playing Neverwinter Nights (NWN) a bit, it's fun." Then he said something like, "We should make a module together!"

For whatever reason, that seemed to pull me out of my personal little mire of despair. Not sure why and I'm not sure why he has the power to do this. But I love him for it. It's totally trivial, really, designing a game mod together. We've attempted in the past with another game or two, but have never been able to finish. He assured me this would be easier if we made it as simple as possible just to get success. He said I could brainstorm storyplot ideas (he knows how much I like to think and come up with random creative things).

So in the span of 5 minutes, he had given me some kind of strange purpose in my life. I don't know, but it made me pretty happy. And it's utterly silly in retrospect - all this over him saying that we should do something with a game together. But hey, we all need random things to perk us up like that every now and then, no?

Other tidbits of my life in the last couple days:

- Apparently I did much better on my pathophysiology exam than I thought. I got an A+ with the curve.

- My cold is progressing on time. I now have a minor cough and a slightly stuffed nose. Great. Too bad my pharmacist friend told me that every study on cold and cough syrup indicate that they do nothing. Note that for the future.

- I went to go see the CSO concert. I don't think I've ever heard all of Beethoven's monumental Symphony #5 in C minor. It was something else. I may do a post on just how the conductor seemed to weave the individual parts of the music from each of the sections into what we call "music." There was much nostalgia in attending a concert.

- I watched Top Chef tonight (well, last night now) with two friends of mine. Oh how we love food, and thus that show. Her roommate also watched with us and would not stop talking! A part of me wanted to say, "Hey, I love talking to you, really, but I can't hear the TV and the volume's up at a decent decibel." After her roommate went to her room, my friend (in a very quiet hushed voiced) apologized for the loquaciousness of her roommate.

- My brother's birthday is today. I'm going to skip going to the gym and he's going to skip class so we can have lunch together.

- My friend, JW-F, will be flying into town late tonight. I haven't seen her since we graduated. It'll be nice to catch up and such. (If you ever wonder who these people are, they're generally listed in the panel on the right of this blog if they're "recurrent characters" in my life.)

No Respite

Argh, another week. I would post the whole "10 things about me" deal that other bloggers such as AJ, Matt, Razz, E, and James have done, but I've already have a post dedicated to this kind of thing. So, I'm not going to add to that list tonight. I would, however, like to give a shout-out to Matt at Brass Matt, AJ's boyfriend's blog. Seems like a really cool guy, go over and say hi.

Now, a couple positive highlights first . . .

- My youngest brother, KC-M, got into the College of Engineering here! I expected nothing less. Now let's see if he can get into "better" engineering schools like MIT or CalTech. I wonder if he even applied to those places . . .

- My friend, SA-F, got into nursing school! I haven't seen her practically since we both graduated from high school together. I only talk to her online a few times a year because she rarely signs on. She's going to be paying me a visit some time in early December before she moves miles and miles away for nursing school. I'm SO proud of her. :D

- I made my first chicken potpie/chicken broccoli bake. Chicken broccoli bake was one of the few things in the dorms that I actually looked forward to eating, it was sooo yummy (and probably quite bad for me, hence why I magically lost 20 lbs in a year after I stopped eating dorm food). It actually turned out pretty well. It was cooked just right, it was edible, it looked yummy . . . the only problem was that it was a bit bland. Hmm, maybe I really should've used cream of chicken soup rather than low-sodium chicken broth. Oh well, got to go with what I've got (which also happens to be healthier).
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Now for the negatives.

- It's cold. It was about 50-55 degrees F during the middle of last week. It's in the low 30s/upper 20s this week. It's freezing (literally)!! It snowed all day yesterday and I made the unfortunate decision to leave my apartment to go to the library to study. And so the annual ice age begins around here . . . brrr. I swear I live in a global warming-proof state (there is actually some scientific data to support this, to a point).

- My window doesn't have a very good seal where the latch is. It's gotten cold enough to the point where condensation has formed on the inside of the windows. I live in the freezing Midwest for crying out loud! It wastes A LOT of heat and energy if cold air is going to leak in and hot air is going to leak out all winter. So I sealed it up with this plastic insulation thing. Now there's an air bubble where the cold air wants to get in but can't. I wish apartment complexes would invest in energy-saving technologies so they didn't have to jack up the rent every year. Sigh.

- I saw 2 ants in my bathroom. They have no business being there or anywhere else in my apartment. Ants must die, when I find them again.

- My bathtub periodically clogs. It sucks. I keep forgetting to pour Drain-O or a similar substance down the drain to clear it. Consequently, I shower while standing ankle deep in water that's not draining away. Note to self: remember to un-clog bathtub drain.

- I seemed to have developed a cold, again, only about 6 days after I had just gotten over a cold. I should not be getting sick so soon after just being sick. This is suspicious. And being the recovering Type A pre-med I used to be, I've come up with several possible scenarios ranging from the most plausible (like, 99%) to the least plausible (of which they all total about 1% in my mind).

The most plausible biological explanation is thus. I've been stressed, tired, and sleep-deprived all of last week. Consequently, my adrenal glands pump out cortisol to help me maintain homeostasis and cope with the stress. Cortisol also causes a person to go into a fat-storing phenotype, and thus causes people to crave fatty comfort foods. That explains why I've been craving to eat out all last week (I didn't eat out, because it was rainy and cold). Cortisol also, over long periods of time, causes a weakening of the immune system. With this weakened immune system and the many other sick people around me, it's totally plausible that this is the precise mechanism by which I've become sick so soon after just recovering.

I would go over the less plausible explanations that haunt and plague my thoughts, but they're pretty ridiculous in retrospect because of the low-risk I've put myself in (low-risk doesn't, however, mean no risk). The possibility of a worse scenario is very very slim, so I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Edit: Some may misinterpret this last part of my post, if one's been particularly keen and sharp. Let me point out examples that could fall under the "least plausible" category. There is the possibility of me getting the flu, as this is flu season and I didn't get a flu shot. A flu could kill me by initiating a cytokine storm - aka, my immune system goes into overdrive and kills me in the process. Another somewhat more likely, though still not too plausible, would be mold or some toxicant in my apartment. I have noticed that I feel significantly better when I'm not sitting in my apartment for extended periods of time. I cough less, my throat hurts less, etc.

Fragments of the Past III

The Preamble to the Present

My parents aren't the kind who go on and on about their lives. What they do tell us come to us in short fragments, usually to highlight a point or just a fleeting moment of remembrance. Here I've pieced those fragments in a semi-linear fashion.

I don't remember the circumstances under which my parents met. Actually, I'm not entirely sure I know how they met. It wasn't in high school, it wasn't in college, it wasn't through work. I suspect it might've been through a mutual friend somehow . . . or I could be mixing that part up with how my uncle (mom's younger brother) met his wife. I do know that they were always spending time together like any other young couple in their early 20s. I wish I could remember some of the semi-interesting stories here, but alas I cannot.

Once my parents tried to impress upon us the importance of academia. When my dad was dating my mom, he called her every day. One day he asked her to put their relationship on hold for 2 months so he could study for his finals. And so, instead of seeing each other after work, my dad went directly to the library to study after eating dinner. My mom didn't begrudge my dad and instead went on a trip throughout southwestern China with some of her friends, climbing mountains, visiting the cities, and seeing sights. And so my parents pointed this out that academics was so important that it can sometimes supersede a relationship. Figures as much.

Moving on, my parents got married in Hong Kong about 2-3 years before I was born. I don't remember the exact circumstances that brought them to the US. My mom's family all moved to the US first ahead of my dad by almost half a year. My dad had to a lot of paperwork to complete in order to attend graduate school in the US. On a handful of occasions my mom mentions how I am the only one of my brothers who is "truly Chinese" as I was conceived before my mom came to the US, though at the time my mom didn't know she was pregnant (I was born in Chicago, however).

My mom's family moved to Chicago. Everyone lived in the same apartment near Chinatown. My mom's mom worked as a nanny/maid for a Chinese doctor's family, who we have become quite close with over the years. My mom's dad worked doing I don't remember what. My mom's older brother worked as a chef while his wife worked in a hotel. My mom's younger brother continued his studies at U of Chicago - Champaign. Once he got his Masters in electrical engineering he moved to California where he still lives. My mom worked in an assembly line for General Electric, I believe. When my dad came to the US, he went directly to live with my mom with her family all in that one apartment. (My mom believes my dad's mom doesn't like her much becasue she "stole" my dad away from Hong Kong to faraway US.) It would be over a decade before the last person moved out of that rather low-income apartment and into the ranks of middle-class America.

Both of my parents' families have worked harder throughout their lives than I can really even imagine going through myself. From practically nothing to middle-class in about 2.5 decades is really . . . okay, I don't have adequate words for what I want to say about how far my parents have come in life. But if my parents can do it, I believe almost anyone can if they have the motivation, the work ethic, and find the right opportunities. I think when my dad's dad named me when I was born (well, my Chinese name, as I explained in this post) he had in mind the importance of what his family and my mom's family were achieving - breaking free of the past and progressing towards the future.

And while my brothers and I were growing up, my mom worked nights part-time as a florist at a nearby supermarket. So for a few years my brothers and I would only see our mom for about 3 hours a day or so on weekdays. Eventually my mom worked a bit less so she could take courses at a community college, getting her Associate's Degree. Now she works for an architecture company detailing the electrical work on the floorplans. All those long nights and long hours . . . the so-called "American dream" is not an easy thing to achieve.

So I know and fully understand where my parents are coming from and why they put so much pressure on my brothers and me. Why they push us to excel and will us to succeed. For them, anything less than what they've achieved is a huge slap to the face, a dishonor upon the family. A "loss of face" as the Chinese say. It's just where they come from. But I have no intentions of taking a step or two backwards anyhow.