Found and Lost

.Lost and found. by Nonnetta on DeviantArt

I've become worse and worse about posting.  Sorry.  Residency has been busy and I've been too tired/lazy in what little free time I have to reflect.  But as I'm on vacation this week (and my original first and second plans fell through), here's Part 1 of several updates.  Without further ado, Part 1: Found and Lost.

So in my last post, I mentioned Pikachu.  We did end up going on a trip to the Big Sur area.  It was an amazing (albeit too short) trip.  I'm always stunned at how gorgeous the coastlines of this state are!  Here are some pics (from just the first day):

Big Sur coastline

Bixby Bridge

Valley View

Pfeiffer Beach (yes, parts of the sand are purple)

More stunning coastline!

And the iconic McWay Falls

We had a great time!  Yes, we did fool around a bit in bed at the hotel.  That was not planned but practically expected.  I won't elaborate much here, but suffice to say he's a passionate kisser and left me with a few hickies (which was a bit of a problem hiding behind my collar in clinic the following Monday, lol).  More than anything sexual though, it was just nice to lie next to someone and cuddle.  It's a wondrous thing, the sensation of touch.

Suffice to say, by the time we parted ways I had fallen for him.  But then an odd thing happened.  His work really picked up speed and he became very stressed out and distant (presumably from all the work he had to do).  We had gone from texting/Skyping almost every other day to just a couple times a week.  I continued to say "Hi" and "Good morning" almost every day for a while with a scarce reply.  I was beginning to wonder what was going on.

When we finally carved out some time to chat on Skype, I confessed that I really liked him in a way that I hadn't felt towards many other people before.  He took it as a compliment but didn't elaborate much more.  Later he would go on to say that long-distance never works out.  He was referencing a friend and her long-distance relationship, but I took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be (at least, not at this time).  The distance between us is about 2.5-3 hours' drive, and he categorically refuses to come to my part of the state.

And so perhaps that was it.  It almost felt like things evaporated away.  We still text and chat from time to time, but it's mostly me doing the initiating.  I feel the gulf of distance and at first it ate away at me.  Yeah, I still have feeling for him and I wonder if I were to match fellowship near him, would we have a chance?  Or would he find someone else in the intervening time?

I let my guard down.  I let a mask fall.  I let myself feel vulnerable.  And things didn't go as I had hoped.  I hate this feeling.  And what's worse is the feeling that I may very well end up alone anyway.  My 20s are quickly fading with each advancing day - is there any hope for this remaining time?  Or will I find what I seek in my early 30s?

Happy Single's Awareness Day

Singles Awareness Day by Ayame-Kenoshi on DeviantArt

Wow, it's been about a month and a half since I last posted!  I suppose a few things have happened in the interim . . .

So I guess the focus of this post will center on this guy.  I'll call him Pikachu because he likes Pokemon.  So I met Pikachu back at the end of December 2014.  We had chatted on/off for months on a dating/hook-up app (no, it's not Grindr) but since we lived about 3 hours away from each other, we never had the opportunity to meet until December.

Since then, we've been texting each other almost every day.  More recently over the past 2 weeks, we've been Skyping about every other day; sometimes it's only for 10-15 minutes but other times it's been over an hour.  I've got a vacation planned for the end of this month, and we're planning on spending 2-3 days together on a mini trip/hike of the Big Sur area.

I think I'm beginning to really like him.  It's been quite a while since I've thought that way about anyone.  I've chatted with both guys and girls on/off via online dating sites/apps for the past 2 years.  A few of them (mostly girls) have made it past that to texting.  But then it fizzles out when my schedule becomes busy.  They don't initiate conversation and I can't sustain it one-sided.  But with Pikachu, he texts me in the morning to say "Hi" or "Good morning."  Simple as that.  But it keeps things going.

I was feeling the Single's Awareness Day tonight, and I texted him if he wanted to Skype.  At some point during our conversation it came up that I was bi.  Although I'm like 95% sure I had mentioned that fact to him when we first messaged on the dating app, he must've forgotten.  But his reaction was predictable, understandable, and . . . unfortunate.  He was taken aback a bit and seemed unsure for a moment.  He explained that he didn't mean it but stated that "biphobia" does exist in the gay community.  He had dated a bi guy within the past several months and it didn't go well (it didn't get very far either).

This brought up all sorts of insecurities for me.  I wasn't expecting that.  I thought I had moved past that.  I guess not.  On a spectrum of 0 to 10, with 0 being 100% straight and 10 being 100% gay, I place myself somewhere between 7 and 8.  In general, I'm more physically/sexually attracted to guys (girls have a narrower range), but I'm more emotionally/intellectually attracted to girls.  Pikachu is the first guy in a long time - possibly ever - who I've felt a romanto-emotional connection to.  And a part of me feels just broken after his reaction to me clarifying that I'm bi.  And honestly, I'm not even sure how well that label applies to me anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate these feelings.  No, that's not accurate - I don't know how to navigate these feelings.  It's easy for me to just box it up and store it away, but that's not what I should do.  It's easy for me to tell myself the same advice I offer my patients, but it doesn't feel easy to follow.  It could be just me, but I feel like the fact/label of being bi has changed the relationship dynamics in ways that can't be undone.

Sigh.  :-/

Mental Ativan

Today was a down day. Anxieties are flaring.

One. I take USMLE Step 3 in two days. And it's a two-day exam. Eep! I should be ready. I've been studying for the past two months (when I could and had the motivation and energy after work). I've finished the study question bank, all 1000+ questions. I've been diligently learning on my current rotation, which is a general ED (emergency  department) - so I see more adults than kids. I can't possibly see myself being more ready then now. But I still worry about that remote possibility of not passing . . . shouldn't be a problem as I padded the other two Steps soundly. But still . . .

Two. My chief residents have my on cross-cover call every Sunday for the next three months (that or back up call). I'm basically grounded in this city and can't go anywhere for the weekend. When I emailed my chiefs asking about this (diplomatically, mind you), I get a very bitchy 7-paragraph email reply. In it she basically told me to suck it up, that this hairpins to everyone and now it's my turn, I'm being difficult, and that I should be more  professional about this. Whatever. She can crawl into a hole for all I care. Good riddance when she's gone at the end of this year! I'll need to ask my co-interns for some call switches.

Three. My friend (who I've mentioned several times now) started a Twitter account. I followed him just for the heck of it, not that I'd be commenting on it much or whatever. Today I discovered that he blocked me. That hurt. It opened up the old wound. Why is he going to this length to cut off contact with me, all without ever telling me why? I just want to know why so I can have final peace.

Four. In so far away from ago of my good friends back in the Midwest (though some on the east coast now too). I dearly miss them. Facebook is a sad proxy. The other interns and I are often just too busy to hang out with each other, and they like to do their own thing - often with family if they're from this state or with their significant other. Which leads me to . . .

Five. I found out through a my mutual friend that one of my friends from undergrad is engaged. Everyone is getting married! And what do I have to show? Eternal singleness. Each passing year more and more friend are getting engaged and married, and I feel so left behind.

Like the title, I need a mental Ativan to calm me down and small me or of this funk!!

The One to Make Me Dance?

The dance by *klairy on deviantART

Today I drove about 4 hours to make it to my friend's wedding. In fact, my best friend from undergrad and my roommate freshman year. But more about that later when I've returned home and had time to process the pics I took a bit more.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, but I always have mixed feelings during every wedding I attend. On the one hand, I'm really happy for the new couple and the potential of their lives together. But on the other hand, I'm also rather sad for myself and still being so so single. This is only accented during the dancing portion of the reception, which I utterly dread.

First all, I feel rather awkward with/in my own body (hands aside - years of playing the piano and cello have mediated that, lol). And second, I usually don't have anyone to dance with because I attend most of the wedding solo too; and if I did have someone to dance with, I'm also not sure what to do. It's all just a really awkward moment for me unless I've had 4+ shots of alcohol within the last 30 minutes or so, haha.

I'm still looking for that one person who can make me dance and not feel like an utter fool. Where is this person who can motivate me onto the dance floor and dance with them (or at all)? A part of me is sick of just sitting on the sidelines waiting. And a part of me is just too comfortable not exposing myself like that on the dance floor. I mean, I even feel embarrassed attempting to dance in the privacy of my own apartment!
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Anyway, on an unrelated note, Drew is now single. Again. Things didn't work out between him and his boyfriend and they broke up on friendly terms. It's been about 2 weeks since the break-up. In the intervening time, at least 3-4 guys have asked him out on dates, all of whom he had soundly rejected. For good reason! They should've given him at least 2 weeks to get over his last boyfriend - such quick rebound is good for no one.

But now 2 weeks are up. I don't know if I should make any kind of move while this window is still temporarily open. I don't want to be yet another guy asking him out on a date as I think that'd hurt our friendship (or at least make things a tad awkward in the future).

What I really want to do is just ask him if he'd ever consider dating me. And depending on his response I'd then ask him out (or not). But I also feel like it's cheesy to do that. Yet again, I don't want to be "yet another guy." Argh. What to do?!

I may ask him if he's free to hang out this coming Thursday afternoon/evening (because that's the earliest time during this week that I know I have some time off from rotations). I could ask him on the spot then. If he said yes things would actually work out nicely because I get my Step 1 board exam score this Wednesday, so he'd be either celebrating or commiserating with me depending on my score, lol.

He's one of the few people I've met who doesn't fail to make me smile and laugh when we hang out. I really enjoy spending time with him even as just friends. He may be one who can make me dance, lol. Argh, I don't want to mess this up. What should I do? Would things work out anyway since we're both so busy? :-/

Will This Work?

So if you recall from like a year ago, things with Jay didn't work. In retrospect, that was probably for the best.

And while I met Drew a couple weeks ago, it looks like things won't work out with him either. Apparently he had gotten back together with his ex-bf - the same guy who brings him such great highs and such great lows (it's a rather bipolar relationship). Things were rocky and last week they've broken up, again. And within the last week, he's been dating this guy he seems to really like. They go to the same undergrad, so it's much easier for them to meet up than, say, with me. Oh well, I saw this coming. I'm not disappointed, per se, I'm happy for him. But man, I still can't quite get over him (which is odd, since we never really got it on to begin with). I think he's one of those people who can connect with almost anyone really easily.
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At the same time, a new guy started messaging me online a couple weeks ago. I'll call him Mel. He seems like a nice guy. Anywho, a few days ago we actually met up for a "date." I say "date" because he considered it a date, but it didn't quite feel like one to me (not that I'd really know).

While he goes to school about 45 minutes away, he had to stop by my area because there's an art store near here that he needed to get supplies from (he's a graphic design and animation student). So we met at a Barnes & Noble at the mall near me. He was wearing a black fedora and a black trench coat; eh, must not judge (but really, a trench coat?). We walked around the mall a bit, making small chat. He seemed nervous and shy. He had this habit of talking in small quick bursts in a low tone, kind of how my youngest brother talks sometimes.

After a few minutes, we went to a sushi place not too far away. It was pretty good, it had been a while since I'd had sushi. The place was pretty empty since it was still a bit early for dinner. We chatted some more. I felt like I had to initiate a few times and be more upbeat, because he seemed somewhat monotone. Once we finished, we went back to the mall to mill about for a bit before saying goodbye.

I don't know. I just didn't feel like we really connected. I mean, we could be good friends but I'm not sure if it'll go any further. There was an odd disconnect in person that I didn't quite feel when chatting online.
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What am I looking for in a person? What am I looking for in myself? Will this work?

I suppose I have more important things to attend to; that is, working out (I've been pretty slack on P90X and it's showing, ugh) and studying for finals and my Step 1 exam in June (I'm less than 60 days away, eep!!). Tick tick tick . . .

Finally!!

Finally . . .

1. Shadowed Dr. P. Well, I guess I didn't actually shadow him as I shadowed his ID (infectious disease) fellow, Dr. S. She was really laid-back and really cool. Dr. P was supposed to mentor another ID fellow, but he never showed up. I was shadowing at a STI (sexually transmitted infection) clinic downtown. It's this small clinic that you'd easily drive by and never notice what goes on in there, lol.

It was really interesting, actually. Yeah, the diseases were all the same, but every guy had a different story to tell (the clinic wasn't set up to do pelvic exams, and hence few women go there). I also got to review some of my microbio with Dr. S, and now I know the treatments for chlamydia and gonorrhea pretty well (1g of azithromycin for the former, 250mg IM shot of ceftriaxone for the latter).

Afterwards Dr. P kept asking me if I was "alright" and if I was bored or not. And I was just like, "Hey, I'd much rather be here doing this than studying pathology right now." I like ID (not 100% sure that's what I'm going to do with my life, but), and I needed something to remind why I'm doing all this (the med school thing, that is). I can say though that I left that clinic with a smile. Go ahead, I know you probably think that's a bit weird, lol.

2. Met Drew. Finally!! We met yesterday at a coffee shop about 10 minutes from where he lives (and about 20 minutes away from me). I arrived earlier than him, because he doesn't drive and takes the bus, so I order a chai. Man, they took their sweet time with making that chai!

I see Drew walk in and he walks right by me. He turns around, I wave, and we say hi. The place was pretty packed, but a table had just opened up as he walked in. We sat down and just chatted. He has one of the prettiest eyes - it's a greenish hazel or something, and it's really nice if the light hits it just so. He also had an adorable smile (and his body appeared a lot fitter than I expected). He plays with his scruffy hair saying how he needs a haircut.

We start kinda joking wittily back and forth about random things, with him referencing a lot of TV shows and such. The witty banter was almost like a light-hearted game of chess - it was fun and kinda silly, hehe. Then he described his geology research (it was actually pretty interesting, however dissimilar from the research I've ever done).

It was good. Before either of us knew, more than 2 hours had flew by and he hadn't ordered a thing. He had wanted to but didn't want to spend the money on it. My friend called me wondering if I would make it to a film screening for Restrepo followed by a discussion with a Vietnam veteran. I told Drew that time was short and had to run soon. We chatted a bit more, and then I gave him a ride home since it was kinda on my way to the highway anyhow.

I never did give him that back rub. And I never collected my rein-check on that bj. But I prefer it this way - coffee date (of sorts?) with just some good talk, and the promise of more later. Later online he said, "It was nice meeting you btw, makes it easier to talk on here."

I like him. He makes me smile. I don't know if this will ever go anywhere or if it can. It almost feels like we're living worlds apart and, just for a moment late one afternoon, met at the boundaries separating us. I kept thinking halfway through, "Man, if only we had met sooner. If only we had a better/more efficient way of meeting. If only we weren't both super-busy. If only you still weren't in love with your ex, even though you know he's a worthless breath of air." C'est la vie.

3. Handing over the reigns. The new leaders for the student groups I've been heading for the last year have been chosen. All of them are competent and I'm confident that they'll do a good job. My obligations are winding down (as boards studying ever ramps up). Just a couple more events and a few "transition meetings" and I'm done!

Operation: Dragon

Blue Dragon. by *Amisgaudi on deviantART

Spring Break never lasts long enough. I only achieved about 1/3 of what I set out to do. :-/

Anyway, "Phase 2" will soon commence. Operation: Phoenix was a partial success, but now to begin Operation: Dragon. In many ways, it'll be similar to Operation: Phoenix only more intense, lol. Goals:

1. Be in bed by 12:45am (12:30am apparently was not feasible)
2. Wake up by 8:30am (8:00am apparently was also not feasible)
3. Continue the P90X program
4. Actually be serious about my diet
5. Buy a Qbank for the USLME Step 1 board exam and begin hardcore studying
6. Other

So I took a few pictures on Day 1 of P90X and like, Day 42-ish. I didn't think I'd see a huge difference but I was surprised! Now, I'm nowhere close to the amazing bodies I've seen people accomplish on the program, but the progress for me was visible (if only a tad subtle). I also apparently lost about 6-8 lbs, which was kinda surprising too. Unfortunately, I've kind of taken the last 2.5 weeks off so I'm going to restart the program from the middle of Phase 2 (instead of going right ahead to Phase 3). I'm hoping for better results this time around! (Sorry, no before and during pics for you all, hehe - still pretty self-conscious about that.)

As for diet, sigh, my body's stupid. -_- I just had my physical check-up at the beginning of the week and apparently, my triglycerides are about 2x normal. Everything else is good though. How does that happen?! o_O Apparently, I should eat fewer sweets, fewer carbs, and drink fewer alcoholic beverages. But . . . I don't eat that many sweets (generally), I don't eat that many carbs (usually), and I seldom drink. Granted, I did eat a lot of gummy bears when I'm at my friend's place in the last 3-4 weeks and I did have a few beers to celebrate a friend's b-day right before break, maybe that's the cause? Hmmm. Weird.

I've really got to get on studying hardcore for the board exam. Got to buy a Qbank and do 10-20 questions a night until May, at which point I'll have to kick it up several notches. Also, I must review my books for that exam a bit more in-depth now.

Lastly, Drew is on Spring Break this coming week and my week is fairly lax. Meaning, we will (somehow) find a way to meet each other this coming week. I've promised him a back massage, lol. I did also take a rein-check on a blowjob he offered like 3 weeks ago, but I'm not holding him to that (not right now, anyway). :-P

Life in Adagio

Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

These last few days my life felt as if it's moving to an adagio tempo. Valentine's Day came and went. I spent most of the day studying for an exam the following day, ironically an exam on human sexuality.

My best friend from undergrad is getting married. I just got his save the date. He and his fiance look so happy together. I've known the both of them for the last 6 years or so. I was looking at their engagement pics earlier tonight, and I really like the theme they chose. And as I clicked to RSVP, there was a slot for how many guests and I would be at one. I hesitated and didn't complete it. I'll do it later I guess. Weddings have been really weird for me for the last 3-4 years.

I came across the following a month or two ago (on this site):
I couldn't have put it any better. I've been chatting with Drew off and on, as usual. Earlier tonight he said something like: "We still haven't met yet, this must be corrected soon." It seems like we're tentatively planning to meet up on a Friday in the near-ish future. Trying to catch him online is kind of like throwing a dart at a board with one eye covered, haha. Here's hoping for good things, but I'm not sure we'll progress much farther than "just friends." Hopefully I'm wrong, but I'm not sure how one could maintain a decent relationship during rotations.
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Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

Adagio for Strings by the YST Cello Choir

This is one of my favorite arrangements of this piece. It's such an expressive piece and it perfectly describes my mood these days. While Barber's Adagio for Strings has been described as one of the saddest pieces ever, I don't necessarily hear "sadness." It is, for sure, one of the most beautiful and emotive pieces I've heard with the notes painstakingly drawn out without so much as an accelerando. I hear a resignation that describes the world as it is, a kind of eternal reflection. Not necessarily sad, but it can be perceived as such.

Here's a recording of the original piece (not an original, the original as conducted by Toscanini who Barber himself requested to conduct it).

Finally, to end with a quote I found on my brother's Facebook page:

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~Dag Hammarskjold

Lost in Conversations

Well, no comments on my last post. Whatever, no answers for you. :-P
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Anyway, a couple days ago I called my best friend from undergrad to wish him a belated birthday and to just catch up. We've both been quite busy, what with me in med school and him in grad school halfway across the country. Now I'm not normally the kind of person who likes chatting on the phone for hours, but we chatted for almost 2 hours!

I could chat with him for hours. I always appreciate his perspective on things and he's probably one of the like five people who I can let my guard down and be completely open with. And that's saying something. After being surrounded by med students day and night, constantly discussing and whining about classes, it's refreshing to talk to someone whose background is just so radically different (he's doing his PhD in political science). We talked about anything from arsenic-eating bacteria to parasite-carrying flies in Africa (to which he suggests a genocide of all the flies) to Liu Xiaobo to the idiocy of certain Midwest governors for refusing federal dollars for constructing an interstate high-speed rail system.

I also found out that his fiance doesn't have texting. People without texting unite! Lol.
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On another note, remember Online Guy 2 (Drew)? Well, we've been chatting here and there online for almost a year now. And I still haven't met him in person. :-/ He doesn't have a car and doesn't particularly care to travel halfway anywhere to meet up. Or should I say, didn't?

I had previously discounted a possible relationship with Drew for a variety of barriers. The least of which is the 30 minutes or so that separate us (rough estimate). But he had been having some very rocky months with his ex-boyfriend and almost every time I chatted with him he wasn't in a good place. Recently things have been looking up though since they broke up for good.

Last night we chatted online for a few hours. We first talked about our desire to travel and such. And then he wrote, "Maybe we should finally meet in person, get to know each other, and do something like that [camping]." Apparently he likes camping and I've never really gone. That sounds fun (though certainly not in these winter months here), and thankfully the only real thing I have to worry about is Lyme disease, lol.

So progress? Hmm, we'll see where this goes (if anywhere). It'd be nice if he'd want to meet up somewhere for a coffee date or something (except I can't remember if he said he liked coffee or not). Our conversation then became quite sexual, which it never had in the past. I guess we were both kinda horny. It was kind of fun making him even hornier online, hehe.

---TANGENT---
So I recently came across this:

It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore

He's really attractive and has a great voice. Though, he makes some rather over-exaggerated facial expressions when he sings, haha. He's also not afraid to bare it all either!

There are some parts of this song that's quite cheesy. However, I like the following refrain:

We will make it, we're stronger,
for all the pain they put us through.
Words won't hurt us, no longer,
our dreams will be what get us through.
And when it feels like your whole world is ending,
remember me and all the other ones saying,
"It gets better, believe me."

---END TANGENT---

Secrets & Fears

So I'm back from the GLMA Conference. I feel better though not 100%. Perhaps 60-70%, which is still much better than most of last week. This post will serve 2 purposes: to answer A Wandering Pom's questions in his comment on my last post and to prep you all when I do talk about the GLMA Conference in my next post.
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1. Secrets & Fears
All you had to do is ask. Many of my secrets you all know pretty intimately. Many of my fears I've already shared here, as they're often related to the secrets.

That I'm bi/gay is no surprise here. But I don't know which (if either or somewhere in between) I am. I fear that, busy as I am, I won't get the opportunity to face that fear and answer it. And so I may be left to wander in confusion. I can't "attach" myself to a particular identity, or perhaps I won't allow myself to be.

That I've never had a romantic/sexual relationship also shouldn't be a surprise. Correspondingly I'm a virgin in every sense but oral sex. I fear that I'll always be alone in this regard - to never really know what it's like to cuddle/be cuddled, to kiss/be kissed, to feel someone else's body intimately (in a non-clinical way), to have sex.

I also fear that I may not be able to open up and let myself become vulnerable. I may not recognize love; I might not be able to truly loosen up and relax, not be able to completely trust someone. I fear that I can't let this go - can I ever let someone get that close? It goes against everything I've done in my life; there's always some defense, some wall, some checkpoint, some guard - usually with very good reasons. I'm afraid to even try, as every time before has been met by some barrier that I learn about the moment I get close enough.

I feel frozen, stuck in the routines of my life but not knowing which way to go, which direction to walk in. I feel life passing me by as I advance in a single straight line. I fear that perhaps 10 years from now, when I am a doctor, I'll look back and regret the things I didn't do . . . the things I wasn't able to do for any of the reasons above. I fear that perhaps I try so hard to validate something, to prove something to someone who isn't even there.

I want someone to pull me out of this and away from this.
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2. "Prep"
So, GLMA is a largely medical organization. As such, most of the people there were med students, residents, and physicians (there were some nurses, social workers, advocates, etc). And to understand the nuances of what I may say in my next post, one should perhaps understand the hierarchy of medicine.

Med students
M1 - first year med student
M2 - second year med student
M3 - third year med student, aka "junior med student" (JMS)
M4 - fourth year med student, aka "senior med student" (SMS)

Residents
PGY1 - first year resident, aka "intern"
PGY2 - second year resident
PGY3 - third year resident (and so on)

So after med school, one moves on to residency. Most residencies are 3-5 years. The first year of residency is the intern year. After residency, one may specialize in something like "infectious diseases." When one does their specialty training, they become a Fellow. Many/most fellowships usually last 3 years. Finally, after that one becomes an Attending (if one goes into academic medicine).

I should come up with some name or key for all the people I met at the Conference, but that'll have to wait till later. I'm heading to bed now.

Learning to Smile

When I was little, I was told that I had a goofy smile, that it looked a bit weird, and that I showed my teeth in an odd way. I was told to smile better but I didn't know how. So for years I avoided smiling on demand when asked - the only smiles I had were those spontaneous one that you couldn't control, the ones that weren't taken in photos. For years I refused to show my teeth. I had to learn to smile, learn to be comfortable with it. I feel like I've finally reached a point where I could be comfortable smiling.

And because it took me so long to learn how to smile, I also had to learn how to hug. I avoided contact and gave people their space. It was weird and awkward for someone to invade my personal space or for me to invade theirs, wanted or unwanted. Even now, hugs feel strange though I crave the feeling. Even now, touching another person is somewhat awkward. But I'm learning how to hug and I think I'll get it soon.

And because I'm still in the process of becoming comfortable hugging, I have yet to learn how to dance and be comfortable within myself. And so dancing is incredibly awkward for me. It makes my heart race, it makes me sweat, it makes me nervous - for who would be the one to notice and laugh and send me back to square one? It may be a while yet before I learn how to dance.

And because I have yet to learn how to dance - to feel comfortable with my own limbs - it may be too early for me to be involved in a relationship. To first feel comfortable enough to smile, then comfortable enough to allow contact, then comfortable enough with one's limbs, and finally comfortable enough to be vulnerable to another - this is a long road that I started way too late. What have I been doing all those teen years?
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Last Friday I went to a wedding, one of my labmate's from anatomy lab. Two other labmates went with me, and they each brought their significant others. I was alone because the final labmate bailed on me.

He looked so happy getting married. He's usually someone who's calm and level, who doesn't let his emotions shine through. He had a great poker face. But there were no poker faces that night, and his smile was the brightest in the room. He was marrying his best friend whom he had known since they were both 4-years-old. And during the reception, as he gave a toast, he almost let himself cry - his shell broken for a brief moment. And it was endearing.

And throughout the entire day, we all had to smile, and hug, and dance. While I was okay with the first two, dancing was rather rough the couple of times I was dragged on the dance floor. It was a lovely wedding and I am truly happy for the both of them.

The last few weddings have left me with mixed emotions. Happiness for the bride and groom, sadness for myself. Optimistic that there are such things as happy endings, pessimistic that I'd be so blessed to enjoy one.

I have a ways to go. To learn how to dance, to love, and to be vulnerable. To find my best friend with whom I'd gladly spend eternity. The question is a trial of time. This is one future that I can't even predict. How many long years will it be before I reach the edge of where so many already are?

Though I think that at the end of the road, I'll come full circle and learn to be a little kid again - to smile, to hug, to dance, and to love as they do. Because they are uninhibited. Perhaps society makes us unlearn that which is innate, and it's only through struggle that we re-learn that which we've forgotten . . .

Cool Breeze, Hot Air

I started my pediatric externship on Monday, but I'll get to that later in the next post. This post is devoted to 2 other (shorter) topics.
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I haven't talked to Jay (Online Guy #1) in a long time. Well, we webcammed a couple weeks ago so I could tell him some answers to his homework. -_- Lame. I tried to not overtly give him the answers, as he has to learn to be a nurse somehow! Anyway, other than that, we've barely chatted. Eh.

In contrast, I've been chatting with Drew (Online Guy #2) fairly regularly the last month or so. Alas, all of our convos have been rather short, as I seem to catch him at bad times (this seems to be a recurrent issue). He's been having a rough time these last 2-3 months.

He broke up with his boyfriend (which I didn't know about when I first contacted him). They ended on really bad terms. And he's been dealing with that break-up, being depressed, overly busy, and all that. I haven't pressed anything and have just generally taken a step back and gave him some space. I don't think he's in a spot to think about a relationship at this point . . . maybe soon, who knows.

We have had some pretty good convos though, I think. Chatted about music and composing. Traded composition clips, lol. I think several of our interests/personality quirks overlap, which is good. But here I am, stuck (again). I don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I should. I don't know what to do . . .

Perhaps I should give up on the whole "relationship" thing again, as I obviously don't know what I'm doing or getting myself into. Perhaps I should just things cool and let the breeze take me where it wants. Perhaps I should give up on him - as it seems to be going nowhere. If it is nowhere (which is likely), then it's nowhere. It's a rather lonely summer. :-/
-----
On a completely unrelated topic, my parents called a few days ago. So, my brother got into med school here (good for him). Since my mom's out of a job and my dad doesn't make that much, they want my brother to move in with me and my roommate.

Neither my brother nor I am thrilled at that prospect. We could easily get on each other's nerves pretty quickly. After some debating, I reluctantly relented (as did my brother), so we're compromising and just gritting our teeth and dealing with it. But I think my parents are pushing their luck too far. See, they also want my brother and me to share a bedroom - which we both adamantly refuse.

My roommate and I had agreed to convert a good chunk of the living/dining room into a psuedo-bedroom (since neither of us use that space much at all). My brother's fine with this arrangement (again, not thrilled, but better than sharing a bedroom together). Unfortunately, my parents refuse to this agreement. It's just ridiculous! Their reasoning is simply, "You're brothers - you have to share a room since it's so large." -_-

My ears are still blowing off hot air. My brother and I are really pissed at this. What'll probably end up happening is just us both banding together and putting our feet down. They can corner one of us, but not both of us at the same time.

*Rage-vents*

Right now, both my brother and I (ideally) hope he miraculously gets off the wait-list at another med school in the next month or so.

A Post of Quotes

"My personality description: I am an awesome person. Everyone likes me the moment they meet me. I am the life of the party and all of your lives will be improved once you have spent a day, nay, an hour with me."

I pilfered that from my friend's AIM blurb, which she took from her roommate (who had always wanted to say that in person to someone). I thought it was amusing and worthy of sharing. :-P
---

"In May, one or two huge decisions must be made and they affect many besides yourself . . . Gather your lieutenants. Sit down at a big table and sort out the details of these issues . . . You think big when you might better be thinking small . . . Drop the control freak behavior. You want to be everywhere at once, doing everything and doing it well. You must however make an attempt to concentrate on events at hand."

That's part of my horoscope for May from Facebook, lol. In many ways, it's eerily accurate. There are lots of decisions to be made this month, especially where student organizations and programs are concerned that I'm president/co-president/co-chair of. I may be overextending myself, and I may need to let go and trust my other board members to get things done (in a timely and organized manner). Fortunately, I make a big emphasis to make sure everyone's on board with something before I make a final decision - so I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good collaborator. So much work to be done over the summer, bleh.

"Love life? What's that? You will be far too occupied to play at hearts and flowers. There might be a tiny flirtation in the wings around the 21st of the month. But it won't lead anywhere because you will not let it . . . right?"

Well, that doesn't bode well, lol. So Drew broke up with his bf of 3-4 months. For good now (the reasons of which I shall not reveal here). He's still super-busy and it's still pretty difficult to get a hold of him on either AIM or Facebook just to chat. But that's fine, he has finals, I have finals, we all have finals. Studying should come first. I wonder where this might go, if anywhere at all. And given my like and the portends above, chances are it'll go nowhere. :-/
---

"He decided to open a sporting goods store instead because he wanted to get as much out of his life as he could before it was shortened by the disease."

That's a quote from this article. In short, a patient goes to see his doctor about whether or not he should go to med school. The patient asks that question because he has a family history of Huntington's disease, an autosomal dominant genetic disease. The patient finds out he does have the gene allele for Huntington's, which means he'd have symptoms starting in his mid-30s to early-40s, and he'd probably die by his 50s or 60s.

And so, instead he expresses what's quoted above. In a way, that's saying something. Particularly the part "because he wanted to get as much out of his life as he could." Those words are rather chilling (perhaps oddly so) for me to read.

Sometimes I do wonder. It's not like I'm going to drop out of med school (willingly), but I entertain the thought from time to time. I had a conversation with a friend earlier today about med school education. We're both soundly frustrated (as is pretty much everyone in our class) with the way med students are educated. The sheer volume we have to cram into our heads (and M1 year is like, nothing compared to M2 year) is just not productive. We can't retain it long-term. We have to re-learn everything, almost from scratch, every time.

Actually, let me rephrase myself. I've "learned" surprisingly little in med school. I've "studied" a lot though. Anything that I learn - like "really" learn - I retain long-term (at least for a few months to a few years). Studying means I just know it for a test and then move on. I learned a lot in undergrad and grad school, and I retain a lot of it. I retained more from my undergrad biochem class than my med school biochem class. There's something wrong with that. I hate studying things over and over again, because I didn't learn it well the first time (because it wasn't taught well). Some things don't really get that much easier the 2nd or even 3rd time around. ::cough:: cardiovascular physiology ::cough::

I remember the days when learning used to be fun, stimulating, engaging. I remember the days when I walked out of lecture able to recall exactly what I was expected to learn, rather than be utterly confused. I miss those days.
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"I'm Yours" by The Script

The refrain:

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours.

And though my edge is maybe rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
And it may not seem like very much
But I'm yours.

Sentimental?

I.

Sometimes I like to wake up at the crack of dawn, before pretty much anyone else. On these days, I like to watch the orange glow of the sun force the creeping shadows of night into retreat. I like to walk around town before almost anyone else, and see the shops just beginning to open. People slowly fill the sidewalks and cars slowly fill the streets. People exit doors with coffee in hand. Now the sun is higher up and washes the cement in yellow light.

Sometimes I like to stay in on a rainy day. I like to avoid the gloom and dreariness of going out on such afternoons. I would cut up some strawberries and sit, curled by my laptop or TV, eating the strawberries slowly. It would be nice to have someone with me, to share my strawberries with.

Sometimes I like to stand outside at sunset, with my eyes closed, feeling the wind in my hair and on my skin, feeling the soft fading heat of the sun on my face. I would take a deep breath, inhaling deeply, smelling the grass, the trees, the flowers, the springtime. As I walk pass trees, I would look above me and take note of the green leaves and the small flowers that most people would miss - like the pale green flowers of maples. Sometimes I would pause to take a closer look, and see if the tree was a male, a female, or both.

Sometimes I like to take a walk in the summer night, the cool air and darkness around me. The moon and stars adorned above, and streetlamps to guide my way. There's a kind of solace in being awake and out at this hour, a kind of silence only broken by the chirp of crickets. I would walk slowly, taking in the night before I too drift off to sleep and the world of dreams.

And so I ask, who's with me? And so I ask, will you join me? And for this, my friend called me sentimental. And so I ask, am I?
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II.

So I friended Drew (Online Guy #2) on Facebook a while back. We've been chatting intermittently back and forth. He seems very busy, so our conversations have been very short. Apparently, he's been dating some guy for 3-4 months now. But then they broke up. And got back together yesterday/today. And will be breaking up (for good?) again today/tomorrow. I don't know what to think, do, or say. I'll just sit this one out and see what happens. All I know is that I felt pretty down this morning when I saw on Facebook that he had gotten back together. And after he (very briefly) cried to me how unhappy he is in the relationship with that guy, and how he wants to break up for good, I'm not sure what I feel.

He seems like a genuinely cool guy, from the brief conversations we've had. He's intelligent, kind of eclectic (which I like), kind of goofy, but really busy. But then again, I suppose I am too. Alas, a fool I was to think he was single (though, on that dating site he said he was - I guess he just never bothered/forgot to change it).

Where does my bad luck come from? I pursue one person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're not interested except as friends. And him: taken, single, taken, maybe (hopefully) single? But I don't know how to handle this - as if I have much time to care, what with finals coming up in 2-3 weeks. After finals, then I'll see what the situation is then. Perhaps then he'll be less busy, and we may actually meet in person?
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III.

I spent a bunch of time organizing the school sites for the 2 groups I'm president/co-president for. In a few hours, I've pretty much got things how I want them.

I created a banner for the LGBTPM site. I didn't like the sheer rainbow-ness of many of the pictures. So instead I decided to create a collage of sorts, with each letter being its own color. Unfortunately, green was pretty difficult to come by. But I think I got something that works:

(click to enlarge)

"L" for the orange smiley faces. "G" for the "yellow" pair of hands washing. "B" for the world and tolerance (my substitute for green). "T" for the purplish transgender symbol. "P" for people around a red heart. And "M" for medicine as symbolized by the stethoscope. Eh, it looks alright, right?
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IV.

When my roommate came back earlier today, he convinced me to go watch Iron Man 2 with him instead of my original plan to study cardiovascular physiology. Good change in plans, lol. I thought it was a pretty decent sequel, once one realizes that sequels are almost never as good or better than the first movie. On its own, a pretty solid movie, in my opinion.

After that, we went "tie shopping" because I wanted some new ties. I'm rather sick of my 5 ties, 2 of which I rarely wear. But ties are more expensive than I thought. I mean, seriously, $50 a tie?! Even at half off that's a bit more than I'd be willing to pay. Bleh.

I guess I'll ask my brother when he goes to Hong Kong over the summer (actually, in a few days) to bring back some ties for me. I also want to buy 1-2 more dress shirts, but I'll wait a bit before doing that. Alas, because I don't have an iron, I must seek out these "wrinkle free" shirts.

Later, I made some bread pudding with raspberries and Bailey's (as a substitute for heavy cream). I was met with success. :-P Then my roommate and I had a "wine and cheese" moment, where we downed 2/3 of a bottle of Chardonnay while eating Muenster and Havarti cheese, as well as raspberries. I don't know why he wants to save the little remaining 1/3 for tomorrow, but whatever.

And now our internet is broken. BLARG!! Right now we're bumming off someone else's internet. Their fault for leaving their network unsecured, lol. My roommate called customer service, and as expected, they were no help; also, no one would be able to come by and take a look until Wednesday. So if I'm not online (much) in the next 2-3 days, you'll know why.

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Apologies for not updating in . . . 10 days?! It's been a hectic 2 weeks or so. 3rd block of exams finished last week. Neurosci and physiology as brutal as ever. Cell & tissue biology as easy as ever. Home stretch! Thankfully we're on endocrinology now in physiology, perhaps my favorite of the subjects (and I hear the professor teaching it is really good too!).

Last Wednesday I called a meeting with the outgoing LGBTPM board and those interested in becoming the new board. Kat was, surprisingly, very happy and relieved that I "stepped up" as the new president of the group. She was more than content being the treasurer of the group. Two other M1's also showed up - I designated one of them as secretary and the other as community chair. Now, we need to haul ass and really improve the group for the next academic year.

Later on Wednesday I also went to a meeting with all the other outgoing and incoming presidents/co-presidents of all the student groups. Harry, my co-president for APAMSA, had the funniest expression when he found out I was going to be president of LGBTPM. It was like he couldn't suppress his laughter and disbelief as he asked, "Wow, how did they single you out to be president?" Needless to say it was amusing.

On Friday I played basketball with my roommate and some friends again. It's been years since I last played, so I sucked (then again, pretty much everyone but Harry and my roommate sucked). I was so sore the next day, but less so than when I played the week previous. After that, my roommate and I went out for sushi before going to Harry's apartment to play beer pong. Neither of us wanted to play, but we had nothing else to do.

Beer pong at Harry's was . . . a mistake of sorts. There were only 5 of us there total, 4 of which were Asian. Us 4 Asians basically downed 24 of 30 beer cans (since my roommate and I lost a lot, we drank the majority of the beer). I was drunk enough to get into my "depressive state" which I hate (this is why I avoid drinking much). There's a sweet tipsy zone where I'm rather silly, loud, and easy to laughter. But just a little bit more tips me over into drunkenness where I just get depressed. They were quite taken aback by my depression, despite my warnings hours in advance that it'd happen. Once I was sober enough (around 2am or so), I drove my roommate and myself home. The next morning, my roommate and I woke up with slight hangovers, grrr. It wasn't too bad, but enough to be annoying.

We saw Kick-Ass with a few friends. It was a pretty good movie, it was exactly what I expected it to be (though the plot was somewhat different than what I thought it'd be). The main actor was kind of cute, in a dorky kind of way. Now that I looked him up, the main actor, Aaron Johnson, is English. Wow, props to any actor/actress who's able to flawlessly speak in a different accent (like Hugh Laurie in House MD). That's skill right there, perhaps even talent.

And that brings us to today-ish. I have a couple meetings to run for various student groups this week. I have to look at the agenda I set forth in the emails again . . . I realize I have to send out numerous email volleys and be kind of a hard-line in order to really get people to do stuff in a timely manner. And I still have to re-read the grant and project report again (for the who-knows-how-many'th time) some time before the meeting I'm holding tomorrow.

Lastly, remember Online Guy #2 (Drew)? Well, I messaged him out of the blue on that dating site just to say hi and such, not expecting a reply or anything. Surprisingly, he responded back fairly quickly!! Needless to say, perhaps a small bit of hope is reignited. :-) Btw, I've determined a new "screening system" when looking at guys' profiles on that site: automatically screen out the theater/dance majors. There are so many of them and they're all so alike! Not what I'm looking for, sorry.

Anyway, long update is rather long. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. And now I sleep.

Well, That Was a Good Run

---TANGENT---

Yes, it's one of those rare times that I begin with the tangent first because 1.) I don't want to forget, and 2.) it's that important.

First of all, I'd like to welcome Tim from life is my college (formerly A Story About a Boy and the Universe) back to the blogosphere. So please go to his (new-ish) blog and welcome him!!

Secondly, Edward and Landyn both lost their grandmas quite recently, on top of all the other crap they're dealing with. Please go over to their blogs and give them a hug, some condolences, and good thoughts.
---END TANGENT---

This post is a bunch of disconnected thoughts . . . so bear with me. You've been warned. :-P
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I've been doing quite a bit of running since Sunday. I upped my distance from 1mi to 2mi on Sunday, and then to 2.25mi on Wednesday (none of this including the walking distance flanking the run on either side for warm up/cool down). I've been pretty impressed with myself and my progress thus far, hehe. I was never really able to run more than 2mi at a stretch, max. Actually, at 2.25mi, my feet got kind of numb . . . so I took that as a sign to stop, even though my lungs were fine and (somehow) I didn't cramp up. Ah well, that was a good run. So yeah, I have to progress just a bit more steadily I think to prevent injury, lol. My legs haven't been AS sore as I feared they'd be.

Too bad I ate more slices of pizza than I should've in these last 2 days (and I was trying to control myself too). :-/ It'll balance out over the next week though, I'm pretty sure . . .
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I talked to Jay online earlier this week. He's really hard to get a hold of!! I'm not sure if we're going to be able to get anywhere relationship-wise, and here's why:

Jay: I don't think our lifestyles are compatible, but I do think we would make great friends.
. . .
Jay: I think I would be too much of a party animal for you, and you would be too straight laced for me.

So yeah, that sounds pretty clear to me that we probably won't get much further than "just friends," at least not now. Ah well, that was a good run.
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I am finally kind of sort of at/ever so slightly above average in some of my courses after the first block of exams this semester!

The average on neurosci was 93.18% and I got a 92.45% (close enough!). The average on cell & tissue bio (overall) was 88.91% and I got an 89.61%! Alas, my physiology exam wasn't so fortunate - average was 81.66% and I only got 76.25%. It was such a tough exam!! I tried harder for that class than the other two combined, lol. Ah well, that was a good run. (Seeing a pattern yet?)

It took so much studying effort. I'm hoping I can maintain this and/or do better on the next round of exams . . . in 2 weeks. o_O Fortunately, I have slightly more time to study for this upcoming round of exams, and I'm more caught up in classwork than last block. So hopefully I'll do better. :-)
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Lastly, I just spoke with the MPH (Master's in Public Health) people here. Basically, the conclusion we came to was that it's probably best if I completed my MPH (in Hospital & Molecular Epidemiology) back at my original institution. The MPH program here is a very basic and broad program, whereas my original MPH is a very focused and "high powered" specialization, if you will. We pretty agreed upon that it's ideal if I could somehow finish my MPH in my original program.

If I were to finish my original MPH program, then I would be poised to really have a niche field within medicine - one that's growing in importance daily. I would have such great knowledge in genetics, epidemiology, infectious disease, and medicine. The impression they gave me was that there's no way that I can not finish my MPH, because they think it's so valuable for me to have. I'm inclined to believe them . . .

That said, we talked for a good 40-45 minutes on how I could achieve that. It's inevitable that I'd need to take a year off somewhere, either between M2 and M3 year, or between M4 year and internship (which I've been advised against from every physician I've talked to about this). One of them brought up an option that I didn't know existed: take a year off between my M3 and M4 year.

After mulling that option over, I've come to the conclusion that it'd probably be the best time for me to finish my MPH then. The reason why I don't want to do it between M2 and M3 year is because I'd be totally disconnect from my cohort of classmates for my clinical years. And I think I'll really need to rely on someone I at least recognize for emotional support if nothing else, lol. Someone to bond and commiserate with. :-P

So why between M3 and M4 year? Because I can do away rotations during my M4 year, and I'd be spending a month interviewing for residency slots anyway. So it's possible that I'd be away from my med school for months at a time; and if I'm doing an away rotation, I wouldn't know anyone at that other location anyway. Plus, it allows me to travel across the US a bit, and visit cities and places I otherwise might not. Also, I would be doing away rotations at institutions I'd consider applying to for residency programs, so this also lets me "scout" them out a bit before I decide.

I have friends scattered throughout the US. I'm sure I can find someone living near an away rotation whose place I can crash at for 1-2 months, lol. The ID specialist I shadowed did that his M4 year - he didn't have an apartment, he just did away rotations and bummed at his friends' places for 1-2 months at a time. And he really enjoyed that experience. So why not at least try?

Well, that could be a good run. A part of me wants to go back and finish my MPH program so badly, for multiple reasons.
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Yeah, I know this post was all over the place and perhaps a bit off the wall, and certainly long. So to reward you for making it this far, I'd like to leave you with . . .

Crushed

I just got off venting to my best friend online. I feel kind of bad and embarrassed to be venting to him online, it's not something I like to do. I'm glad we weren't talking on the phone or in person, otherwise he would've heard/seen my tears.

So Jay canceled our plans on Sunday because he has a massive paper due Monday. I had a feeling that Jay might have to cancel, and I suppose my fears came true. :-( I can understand that though, and he wants to reschedule. I feel we're constantly in the rescheduling flux . . . things just don't seem to work out initially between us. It's like there's something keeping us apart. He's also very difficult to get a hold of for any length of time online.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling kind of down and crushed by this. And it's irrational but I can't help it. I had my hopes up for Valentine's Day/Chinese New Year, and now I've nothing. While I'm okay with being alone on Valentine's Day (like every Valentine's Day before now), I've never been alone on Chinese New Year and it's honestly one of my favorite holidays. My roommate went home for the weekend and many of my other friends here have plans.

I guess I'm just feeling really lonely right now . . . I feel like I have such terrible luck with relationships and I can't seem to get anywhere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what not to do, I don't know how to court, I don't know how to impress. All I can offer is what one sees. And every time a relative or my mom asks if I have a girlfriend I always have to awkwardly say no and that I'm probably too busy anyway. And when I do I cry a little on the inside.

Everything else will fall into place. Everything except, it seems, this thing called "relationships." I feel like I'm constantly waiting for someone or something, but it's all very hazy. And I'm getting kind of anxious and twitchy, because with every passing year it's going to get harder and harder. I don't try, let things just happen, and nothing happens. I try and still nothing much seems to happen. And I'm still so uncertain about myself in this respect - I don't know what I'm looking for or what I want. I can't foresee the future here - all I see is myself alone with my work and it scares me. I'm still uncomfortable talking about this with people offline and I'm sure I'd just freeze up - I still can't open myself and make myself vulnerable in front of a physical person, and I don't know why.

I can only wonder, not even imagine, what it must be like to wake up next to someone you love . . . because I'm going to bed alone.

After I fold all my laundry. -_-

Two Birds, One Stone

Finished my last exam of this block!! Soooo glad to be done . . . for now. It went alright, not as good as I'd hope but I think I did just fine.

Anyway, after the exam this morning, my awesome lab group from anatomy, Table 6 (now Team Dendrite Storm), went out to have breakfast. We went to this nearby bar/restaurant place that had really good mimosas - a kind of drink that somehow I hadn't known about until now. Jon, the future surgeon in our group, took the opportunity to invite us all to his wedding this July!! :-D
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Status update concerning Jay. We had been chatting late into the night several times this week. The following snippet occurred a couple days ago:

Jay: We should get together sometime soon
Me: hehe, yup yup :-)
Jay: To be honest, you're by far the most interesting boy I've come acrossed for a while
Me: oh?
Me: i'm flattered! ^_^
Me: what makes me so interesting?
Jay: I wanna lick your mind
Jay: You're an intellectual
Jay: and your knowledge base is fascinating
Me: LOL
Jay: I could probably pick your brain for hours
. . . later . . .
Jay: It'd be nice to see you again soon

He had wanted to meet up for a few drinks tomorrow night, but alas I've other commitments. I had agreed quite a while ago to host poker with my roommate at our apartment tomorrow evening, and Sunday is of course Super Bowl Sunday. So it looks like this weekend doesn't work for either of us really well. :-/

BUT! I asked him if he was doing anything for Valentine's Day. He said he wasn't, only working until about 6pm. He never really liked Valentine's Day because he always spent it alone. Well, because this year Chinese New Year (which is one of my favorite holidays, btw) is on the same day, I asked him if he'd like to go out to a Chinese place for dinner. I had heard great things about this one Chinese restaurant in town but I haven't had the time to check it out yet.

He agreed to that. :-) So I'm kind of hitting 2 birds with 1 stone, holiday-wise, lol. It'll be nice, this way he won't be alone on Valentine's Day (likewise for me) and I'll be hanging out with someone during Chinese New Year (I usually go home, but home is rather far now). We just have to figure out the time we're meeting each other at the restaurant, but we've got a week to discuss that.

Speaking of discussing, we've had some interesting discussions lately. Somehow, his smoking pot got brought up (by him). We talked about it a little, and he thinks it's fair that I'm not interested in smoking pot and don't want to be around him when he is smoking pot - or any pot that's in his possession, for that matter. So I think we've reached a decent agreement in that respect. I think he doesn't want to "contaminate" me, lol. He calls me a really good guy who's really well-behaved, and he thinks he might be too naughty for me. He did describe in some graphic detail how he's an awesome top and how guys he's been with kept wanting to come back for more; I suppose I'm curious now . . . o_O

Well, perhaps I'll see for myself one day. ;-)

Many Thoughts

1. This week has been rather crazy (then again, this is true for every exam week). I think I've got a good system for studying this semester though. I go through all the material twice by myself, then get together with 2-4 other friends and we power-review through every lecture and leave no details untouched. Then I do 2-4 practice exams, then I read over the "quick notes," then sleep, then get up early to read over some more notes, eat breakfast, then exam.

I did pretty well on the neuroscience exam on Monday - about a 90.5% or so, which went up to a 92.5% after a question was re-graded. Yay! But I suspect I'm still below average, grrr. However, the physiology exam this morning was a different story. Let's say I feel like I've been mentally trampled over. And the bitching and moaning from my classmates attest to the fact that the exam wasn't well-written. I'm almost positive I passed though (they haven't posted our grades online yet, only the key - how rude). Gah, I still have one more exam to study for on Friday!! :-(

I saw the following YouTube vid uploaded on Facebook by a friend. It's a parody to the tune of Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," though it's sung horribly off-key:

Just Pass (P = MD)

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2. I also spent the last few days pondering over what to do about Jay - that is, whether to pursue "just friends" or "hopefully something more." You see, he's expressed no interest whatsoever in completely quitting pot smoking. He acknowledges that he's going to have to cut back to a couple times a month or just a few times a year, but never 100% quit (though it seems like he rarely smokes pot right now anyway). Cigarette smoking, heavy drinking, pot smoking, and drugs are all deal-breakers for me.

Now, though I said above that it's a deal-breaker, I've decided to attempt to pursue "hopefully something more." See, we chatted a little bit online these last few days and he tells me how it feels like his life's "in a state of constant flux" and that it's "gone into overdrive" since he started up school again. He's feeling the busy-ness of school and the excitement that comes with knowing he's clearly moving towards his goals. All this requires a lot of effort and focus; he's a smart guy, so he's well aware that smoking pot decreases focus and he'll have to smoke less of it as he gets busier and needs to focus more. So by my reasoning, while he may still smoke pot from time to time, it'll become less and less frequent as his career advances.

So here's what my "plan" is concerning Jay. Probably go on 3-4 more dates or something, get to know each other more in person, see how things are, and hopefully they'll be moving towards something more. If so, then I'll just have to be explicitly clear that if he smokes pot I don't want to be around him when he does, just like I don't want to be around him if he's going to be drunk. I also don't want to be around any pot he or his roommate(s) may possess, because on any chance that I'm caught near pot, there goes my career instantly out the window. If he can live with those 2 caveats, then we're golden.

There are a lot of "if's" but hopefully each one of them will become true. I really want things to work out the way I hope, but only time can tell. :-)
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3. The current opening song to the anime, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, has been stuck in my head for the last week or so. It's such a great anime, definitely in my top 5! :-D The song is called "Period" by the Japanese band, Chemistry.

"Period" by Chemistry

Here's a YouTube vid with the full version of the song and (Japanese & English) lyrics.
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4. Last week after I shadowed the Dr. P (the ID specialist), I sent him an email thanking him for letting me shadow. In my email, I also asked what he'd like to see in the LGBT student group or what direction he'd like for it to take. His response was:

Regarding the group, I guess the most important thing is to have it be something that makes LGBT students feel comfortable at [med school]. Beyond that, working toward improving the [med school] culture and curriculum are "extras." So, whatever will make people feel comfortable and want to be in the group is what I want to see.

I'm toying with the idea of running for president of that group next year (because no one else seems to want to touch it with a 10-ft pole). Any ideas on how one might help fulfill Dr. P's vision? I have my own ambitions for the group, but that's for a later post.
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5. Lastly, several days ago Biki linked me to this hilarious YouTube vid. I think the message is pretty damn clear. Enjoy!! :-P

Best HIV Commercial

At the Coffeehouse

We finally met! ^_^

So here's how it went down . . .

We agreed to meet at 2pm for coffee instead of a late lunch. He was coming from an appointment at the optometrist's. I finished shadowing early (I'll blog about that later), so I just lazed around in my apartment for a few hours before I left . . . time that I should've used to study (like now).

At about 1:35pm or so, I decided to leave. It only takes about 20 minutes to get there, but I had never been there and I was afraid that the monstrous highway overpass/exchange/junction would confuse my GPS. You see, just prior to entering the city from the west, there's this area where several highways join together and there are a ton of overpass bridges and exits and such (to me, it's a little more confusing than the Chicago loop - and that's saying something).

So anyway, my GPS was fine but I took wrong exits. Twice. *Sighs* That place really IS confusing. :-/ I thought I would be late, so I was kind of nervous about that. But I got there a little after 2pm. Balls it was cold outside today! It was definitely below zero (Fahrenheit) with windchill.

I enter the coffeehouse and I don't see him anywhere. The coffeehouse had this distinctly . . . hippie feel to it. Which is fine, it was rather nice. I figure I'll get my coffee first and sit down and wait for him. At this point it was already 5 minutes past 2pm. I sit down for a while, still don't see him. Then I noticed there was an upstairs area, so I go there. And I still don't see him. I go back down and sit at a table very visible from the entrance (because it was almost right by the entrance). 10 minutes later I get a call from him apologizing about how he was so late because he had lost track of time. About 5 minutes later he walks in the door, drops his stuff at my table while apologizing, and goes to buy coffee. By this time I had almost finished my coffee, lol.

This was our first time seeing each other in person. He was just as cute in person as in his Facebook pictures, lol. He had this hippie-ish look about him as well. From the way he talked and moved, I could definitely tell he's gay (and remember, my gaydar sucks). But he's not really fem . . . kind of like in between(?). After only a few minutes of chatting he remarked how I remind him of one of his friends - like a doppelganger - except that I'm Asian and his friend is Mexican. That amused me (I hope that's a good thing?).

We talked about (in no particular order): school, career ambitions, religion, medical ethics, stem cells, abortion, genetics, prostitution (commercial sex work), regenerative medicine (his interest and ultimate goal), evolution, research, treatment of lab animals, circumcision (he totally brought that up out of nowhere, o_O), TV shows, and other such things. He admitted that he smokes pot occasionally and drinks (which I'm fine with as long as he's not an alcoholic - he's not), and did drugs a couple times. But he reassured me that he wasn't a druggie or a whore or anything. I'm believe him, because it seemed like he had a rough couple years and is now working hard to turn his life around and really do something with his life. And I can totally respect that. However, I did nothing to hide my disapproval for smoking pot and drugs (though I verbally withheld my tongue). He remarked that I seemed really well-behaved and he might be a bit too much of a wild-child for me, lol. We'll see I guess . . .

He's currently working towards his Associates (I think) in nursing and has a contract to transfer to a great 4-year university for 2 more years to then complete his Bachelor's. Then he's going to apply to med school with the ultimate goal of going into regenerative medicine (not even a medical field yet really) and help people regrow tissues, limbs, and/or organs. His road is MUCH longer than mine, his ambitions higher, but I think he can make it.

Anyway, if you've gathered from some of the topics above, we had a mostly intellectual chat. I think that was mostly his doing, as he was more talkative and constantly said something like, "You don't know how great it is to have an intellectual conversation with someone - the people around me are usually stupid and I feel like I have to constantly dumb down my language." Well, he certainly doesn't have to do that with me. ;-)

He's definitely a straight-forward, in your face to-the-point kind of person; whereas I'm a more cautious and moderating person, at least in what I say out loud (or write). We talked for a good 2.5 hours or so with no awkward silences. At around 4pm I had wanted to go and at least move my car, because I parked on a side street that had a sign saying 2-hour parking limit between 7am and 7pm. Yeah, I'm a goodie goodie. Even so, we just kept talking for another hour or so, haha. It was past 5pm when we both decided to leave, mostly because we were both getting hungry (hey, I only had a banana for "lunch").

We happened to park very close to each other, so we walked into the sub-zero cold together. Once we got to our cars, we chatted for another couple minutes in the flesh-penetratingly chilly weather. Then we hugged and said our goodbyes. I must say, it felt really good to hug him for some reason.

On my way back, I got lost on the ridiculous monstrous highway overpass bridge/exchange/junction thing. Twice. This time it was my GPS's fault. And then I hit rush hour traffic. *Sighs* Fuck that, next time I'm taking local roads into the city, as it's only 3-5 minutes longer than by highway.

I realized that I had this slight smile when I got back to my apartment. Maybe that was why when I was chopping an onion, I accidentally sliced off a couple layers of epidermis on my right ring finger with the cleaver. No worries though, it wasn't a deep cut at all and there was no blood. But it's still annoying and now that finger's pretty sensitive. :-/
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So I guess I'll share my impressions of our "date."

I thought that our conversation flowed pretty well. We didn't get into any arguments, heated debates, or anything like that, but we seemed really interested in what the other person was talking about (him almost passionately so a few times). So I think we had a great chat, as evidenced by how long it actually took us to leave, lol. I think we felt pretty comfortable with each other.

I thought he's super-cute, physically. He also has a pretty cute personality in a carefree youthful way. While I obviously disapprove of the pot and drugs (which I don't think he does anymore - not that he did a lot of it in the first place), he'd have to be clueless to not be aware of it. And I think that as his education goes on, he'll be less and less likely to do such things anyway.

I don't know if I really felt a spark, but I would definitely like to get to know him more (Idk, that might be my sex drive talking - did I mention how cute he was?). He seemed like a pretty cool guy overall. Intelligent yet still "green" in many ways. Whereas his roommates are a bad influence on him, maybe I can be a good one, lol. When we parted ways, he expressed interest in getting together again later, as did I.

So yeah, this was a pretty long and detailed post. But I wanted all that in there so I can ask: what do you all think - worth pursuing further?