Amazing Week

So it's been a while since I last posted anything, and last week was a pretty awesome week, I must say.

Sunday: Went into the hospital at 6:30am and was done by 9:30am. Got the vitals (temperature, heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen saturation, ins & outs, etc) and saw my 2 patients all in about 35 minutes. Pretty epic efficiency there! :-D The rest of the day was all mine to do whatever, lol.

Monday: There was only 1 surgery that day and the other JMS (junior med student) scrubbed in. I took that time to do some reading and studying. Pretty chill day.

Tuesday: Unremarkable day of surgery. But afterwards I headed over to the LGBT student org's meet and greet at a faculty's house. How apt that it was on the day that DADT was repealed, lol. It was good seeing people and hanging out. I met an internal medicine intern who was so hot (and hilarious). I couldn't take my eyes off him after I talked to him for like, 15 minutes. We had some great conversations . . . basically bonded over our hatred of surgery, lol. After the social, several of us (said intern had to work the next day, bah) walked down to a nearby wine shop and had some wine. I came out to one of my friends there (it was loud enough there that I don't think anyone else heard, not that I really cared). Funny that she never asked me before even though we were both on the LGBT student org board the year before.

Wednesday: Long day of lectures. That's how Wednesdays goes. No surgeries were planned for the day so it wasn't like we missed anything. Later that evening I had a meeting with a friend to discuss one of the student committees we're both heading. Some good progress was made.

Thursday: I scrubbed in an open umbilical hernia repair. I successfully proved myself to the chief resident that I can, indeed, tie knots with 2 pairs of gloves on! Pretty short and sweet surgical procedure. I like these as they last less than 1.5 hours. Later in the afternoon I had a meeting with the Dean of Student Diversity, which was interesting as always. Thankfully I didn't have to return to surgery afterwards.

Friday: I scrubbed in 2 more open umbilical hernia repairs. I was allowed to close the wound with a subcutaneous suture after the chief resident started it for me. I must say, I did a pretty good job for not having done it since we practiced on pig's feet at the beginning of the month (and it was the most difficult suture for me to learn). The chief resident complimented me. :-)

After surgery ended (somewhat early), I headed over to a friend's place for wine tasting (the same friend I came out to earlier on Tuesday). We met up with her husband and another mutual friend. I hadn't gone wine tasting before, and it was a pretty nice experience with friends. After wine tasting, we headed downtown to this new place for dinner. It was delicious!

Saturday: Headed home and attended my friend's wedding. I had known him since kindergarten and we were next-door neighbors until I moved away in 7th grade. Had a great time, will blog about that in detail later.

Overall: Again, pretty amazing week considering I'm still on my surgery rotation, lol. Evil resident was on vacation all week so I didn't have to worry about her ruining my day with her foul attitude. Chief resident was awesome, as always. We rounded late (around 7am) most days because the chief resident was tired and didn't feel like waking up any earlier than she needed to. I certainly wasn't about to object! There were fleeting moments where I actually enjoyed surgery. Shocking!! o_O

I Knew You'd Ask

It's going to be a LONG week ahead for me. Thankfully, the second of several events between now and next Sunday has passed. The turn-out was rather good, considering it was the first time we put on this event. Anyway, it's over now. Phew! Next one tomorrow, then Monday (plus an exam on Monday), then Tuesday, then Wednesday, then GLMA Conference Thursday through Saturday. o_O

After the event tonight, Dr. P (who graciously volunteered) and I were chatting privately in the halls. And he asked: "So, are you gay?"

I had to laugh and said, "I knew you were going to ask that! You've always given me this look." Then I answered him something to the effect of that I'm bi but not quite sure. That took another moment to explain but I think he understood where I was coming from and was satisfied.

He's all excited about this Conference and I think he almost sees it (in some way) as a vacation of sorts that he's giving me. It's kind of amusing to hear a physician tell me to just enjoy it, have fun, and forget about coursework for a few days. Things will probably still linger in the back of my mind, but I will try my best. :-P

So yeah, I'm out to Dr. P now. Happy now?

Anyway, I'm freaking out less now. I think I've exhausted most of my "freaking out-ness."

I Blame the Wine

So, 2 days ago, we hosted an opening social for the LGBT group at a physician's house. Dr. P was there helping the physician set up and all. Kat and I arrived early to help out, though we didn't end up doing much. (Kat has been surprisingly upbeat these last couple weeks, I hope it stays that way.)

The turnout was actually really good, considering that pathology tutoring for M2s was the same night and the anatomy tutors moved the mock anatomy practical for M1s from Thursday to Tuesday this year (which sucked, since this meant that no M1s would be attending). Surprisingly, one M1 did make it! Our other faculty advisor came with her partner. I must say, they make a really attractive lesbian couple. o_O For a while, there were almost the same number of physicians as med students . . . awkward. But then more med students started filing in, which was good.

Halfway through the social, Kat wanted me to make an announcement to thank Dr. P and the physician whose house we were at. I drank some more wine. I'm no orator. I can be terribly awkward in such situations. I can be quite awkward in social situations, but I somehow managed to talk to almost everyone in attendance, which was no simple feat for me! Thankfully the wine helped. All 6-8 glasses of it (granted, the glasses were small-ish).

Also, I don't know if it's the wine or not (but I blame it anyway), but I had a mini-crush on Dr. P that night. o_O I mean, him + polo shirt + shorts = swoon (also, he's only in his mid- to late-30s). He has really nice arms and legs; well, he's just really nice overall. But, he has a partner, and it'd be a very bad idea to let this get any further considering our respective positions. Partway through the social, he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know this isn't politically correct, but are there any gay M1s or M2s?" I answered, "I honestly don't know because I didn't make it a policy to ask."

I must admit, it made me a tad uneasy. Every time he asks me a similar question, I feel like he's looking into me for answers or a confession or something. I've wanted to come out to him so badly, but I just can't seem to. How odd. I just want to chat with him about life and let myself vent and ask him for guidance, or something. But I don't think that's going to happen in the near future. What's holding me back?

When Kat and I left (we carpooled), we talked about Dr. P's whispered comment to me. There's a reason why there are so few openly LGBT students. If you come out, you are the gay student. You are the gay person that everyone looks to and you have to be the "model" gay med student. You become the reference. It's not a burden most would want to carry.
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Anyway, my thoughts feel very disjointed. I'm beyond overwhelmed with things right now. Something just doesn't seem quite right inside at the moment. :-/

2009 in Summary, 2010 Resolutions

end of the line by *Blepharopsis on deviantART

It's now the close of 2009 and the just before the beginning of 2010. Let's take a look at my 2009 Resolutions. Hmm, seems that I was quite successful on some points but woefully failed at others. Such is to be expected I suppose. Let's see how 2009 went (using the 2008 in Summary template):
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2009 in summary (and this is by no means an exhaustive list):

Winter Semester (January - April):
- Got a new roommate (or apartment-mate, I suppose). He was alright, except when he cooked, then the apartment reeked of kimchi.
- Was a GSI for the undergrad Intro to Genetics course. Was totally kick-ass at it! :-P Read about some of it here.
- Got over 10,000 views on my blog! Not particularly exciting, just being amused.
- Went to China over Spring Break with other public health students and faculty. It rocked!! Read parts I, II, III, and IV.
- Was performing poorly in research, but was able to get a second chance to redeem myself. I hope I actually did redeem myself . . .
- Worked on an epic final project with my friend, AG-F, for a class. Read about the genius here!
- Got straight A's (somehow) in all my grad school courses. Grad school wasn't so hard . . .
- Said my farewells to the city of my undergrad. :-( Pictures here.

Summer (May - August)
- Was going to travel around in China! Then the swine flu scare, and my trip got canceled. T.T
- Saw the Star Trek movie twice, lol; the first time with a friend (YY-F), the second time with another friend (SR-F) and my brothers.
- Saw Up with my brothers.
- Went to my old roommate's, AW-M's, wedding in July.

Fall Semester (Late August - December)
- Started med school.
- Volunteered at a free clinic (with pretty much all the other M1s, lol).
- Gave an obesity presentation at a nearby high school.
- Joined the LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine) student group.
- Came out to my labmate, Leslie.
- Visited SN-F in Chicago when SR-F came to visit. :-D
-> Saw Where the Wild Things Are with SR-F and the roommate.
- Got a pediatrics externship for summer 2010!!
- Finished first semester of med school. :-O
- Saw Avatar in 3D with SR-F and my brother. Good movie!
- Saw Sherlock Holmes with both my brothers. Good movie!
- Met an old friend, JR-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. JR-M had been my next-door neighbor for 7-8 years of my life.
- Met an old friend, JS-M, for a late lunch. Caught up a bit. I had known JS-M since elementary school.

Year-Round
- Met many great (new) bloggers and have had the wonderful opportunity to chat with several of you online. You make my days and I'm so thankful for getting to know you. :-)
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2010 Resolutions

I'm going to take it easy on the resolutions this year. I'll try not to make "benchmarks" for myself.

1. Be healthier. Eat healthier, exercise at least 3-4 days/week. De-stress more. Hopefully the rest will follow.

2. Take more pictures, record more memories.

3. Keep in contact with friends. Solidify new friendships.

4. Keep up in med school. Do a bit better academically, take more advantages of certain things.

5. Pursue what may be (I hope) the beginnings of a relationship. It's a secret. Well, I guess it isn't so much now that I've mentioned it here . . . but no details for you till later. ;-)
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Now to plug some new blogs that I've recently began Following. I'm still catching up in reading all their posts, but all in due time.

A Beautifool Chaos
Frozen with a Heart on Fire
Rock James Bottom

If you haven't visited them, definitely stop by and say hi in 2010!!

All-Consuming

Hmm, no one got or seemed to have noticed my reference in the title of my last post. I'm not too surprised; you'd have to be pretty geeky to figure it out. :-P

Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat better today. The cold, gray, cloudy, rainy weather isn't helping any though. Apparently we're supposed to get a frost warning for Sunday morning as the temperature dips to about 28F. Wtf, I hate the Midwest. Must . . . get . . . into . . . residency . . . elsewhere . . .

This morning I went into the anatomy lab with my lab group around 11:30am. We were there until about 3pm. Medicine is an all-consuming field, and is rightly called the "jealous mistress." At the moment, in my current state, that's sort of a good thing. See, the all-consuming nature puts me into a kind of trance. While I'm focused, all that exists are my peers, me, and the body (or patient) before us. While I'm in the anatomy labs life outside is put on hold. I am where no cell phone can reach me, no internet can distract me, no personal emotions/woes can waver me. We all become dedicated with one goal: to identify as many structures as possible and to learn from each other (and other groups' cadavers). We found the elusive torus tubarius (which I still think would make an excellent sci-fi name for a planet) right above the Eustachian tubes, we located the hidden levator veli palatini, and saw the internal thoracic artery (which was easy to find once you know where to look). On one body we saw the glossopharyngeal nerve (cranial nerve IX), which hadn't been successfully dissected out on any other body. While we moved from body to body, our purpose was solitary and almost nothing disturbed our trance-like focus.

This doesn't mean, however, that we didn't have some fun while poking around inside bisected skulls that look no longer human - indeed, some look like zombie aliens that would readily maul your own living face off. We would often encounter some structure whose name would evade our memory. One person with the probe would poke at it, another with the anatomy book would look up the possibilities, and the rest of us would concur (literally saying, "I concur") or not.

The trance is almost absolute. The "outside" world doesn't rush back until I change out of my scrubs. But when it rushes back, it redoubles its force, and I am exhausted. It's an . . . unnerving sensation.
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I got a ride back to my apartment from a lab mate, Leslie, because I didn't feel like walking 15 minutes in the drizzling cold. She asked me how the LGBTPM talk went, because she wasn't able to go though she wanted to. Apparently she's super-liberal and is hoping to transfer med schools (you can do that?!) to where her boyfriend is. She knows the dean of admissions at that other med school - who happens to be gay - because she worked for his partner at Planned Parenthood for a couple years.

She was shocked at how conservative our class and our med school was. As far as she could tell, there wasn't a single "out" person in our class. In the car ride back, she asked me if I knew anyone in the class who might be LGBT. *insert hesitant pause here* I responded, "Umm, yeah, me."

Did I just come out to her? Yes. Though I didn't use the words "bi" or "gay" (at the time), simply "I don't know what I am." It seems she has pretty good gaydar and thought I had been out back in undergrad but not here; she was mistaken with that, lol. While in PA, her best friend was so-called "King of the Gays" and she knew many many gay guys - hence her apparently really sensitive gaydar (if only I had that).

At this point we had arrived at my apartment. Upon stepping into my apartment, a sinking feeling overcame me. It was like confessing to a crime - how it gripped my chest. I laid on the couch for a while, napping lethargically. I then sent her an email asking her to keep what we talked about confidential between us - almost as if to absolve myself.

Her response later amused me. If only she were single, perhaps I'd consider my slight crush on her. But alas, the curse meant she of course had a boyfriend. I digressed, in there she assured me that my trust wasn't misplaced and that I should always feel comfortable confiding in her. Also, she offered to be my "wing-woman" should we ever go out to a gay bar/club or something. Fleetingly I felt like Ted Mosby with her as a female version of Barney Stinson (though she's more like Lily Aldrin in personality) from the show How I Met Your Mother, lol.

---TANGENT---
Oh yeah, the one remaining member of our lab group didn't come in to anatomy lab because she was busy shadowing the chief of surgery - scrubbing in and even assisting in a mastectomy (at least insofar as holding the retractors). Gunner. -_- Pfft, she doesn't even know the cranial nerves yet. Now I've got to get my game on.

It may be a while until I post again. Block 2 exams all next week. Joy. So not ready. T.T
---END TANGENT---

Power Overwhelming

To whoever knows where and who says the quote of this post's title, you have my love.

---TANGENT---

Anyway, before you read my (what will probably end up being somewhat long) post below, first head over to Jeremy's blog at Falling Through the Void and wish him a happy 21st birthday today!! :D

---END TANGENT---

The last day or so I've felt pretty overwhelmed. Not sure at what exactly, just overwhelmed. I mean, I'm doing alright with classes and such, considering I have Block 2 exams next week (head and neck - the hardest Block). I should be studying furiously right now instead of making this post, but whatever.

Yesterday I was at school for over 11 hours - 8:15am until 7:30pm or so. It was 11 hours of classes, presentation, anatomy lab, and review sessions. There was one more review session that I just decided to not attend because my focus started getting fuzzy. That, and I was falling in and out of sleep all day and zoning out every few minutes for the last hour of anatomy lab. I power-walked back to my apartment and was just exhausted.

I hate being exhausted. Exhaustion means I can't control my emotions very well and random things get to me. In anatomy lab, one of the "daddies" (there's a group of married dads who sit and study together - it's like they have their own clique) was talking about how much he loved his 10-month-old son and how funny his son was when he farted. His son would make this funny angry-like grimace right before he farted, and after he farted he'd smile and laugh. A small part of me cried at this I think.

Time dragged by when I got back to my apartment. It was surreal and rather lonesome. I guess I could feel the clock tick (though there aren't any ticking clocks in my apartment). I don't have much time in med school for a social life and in residency I'll have even less. By the time I'm out, I'll be over 30 - too old to really start looking for a relationship . . . Anyway, I went to bed super-early (for me, anyway). But I woke up 3-5 times throughout the night. I've never had such interrupted sleep before; that bothered me.

I'm alright today though. I would be better still if it weren't dark, cloudy, rainy, and cold outside. >.<
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Today I went to a LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine) lunch talk. The speaker was the chief of gynecological oncology or something like that. Apparently she's lesbian. Why have I met several lesbians in high positions but not bi/gay men? Curious . . .

Anyway, she gave a presentation on LGBT issues in health and medicine. It's quite shocking but a part of me wasn't surprised. There was a report in 1989 that found 1 in 3 teen suicides was related to sexual identity/orientation issues. This report was buried. I can't remember exactly the other figures she said, but something like 60-64% of LGBT persons report getting substandard care from their healthcare providers - or maybe that's the figure of LGBT persons who feel uncomfortable coming out to their doctors. Also, about 2/3 of out LGBT medicine professionals (doctors, nurses, etc) report getting negative comments or harassment due to their sexual orientation. They also report that many of their colleagues made denigrating remarks about LGBT people behind their backs.

She also discussed how back when she was in med school, in the late 1980s, that homosexuality was grouped together with pedophilia and bestiality lecture(s) in the psychopathology course. Human sexuality was its own course and lasted only 2 weeks. Not much has changed since, except maybe that homosexuality was moved to the human sexuality unit. She then went on to say how banning same-sex marriage can also be a health issue.

A 2007 case where two lesbians and their 3 children were vacationing in Florida, and one of them got a brain aneurysm and had to be rushed to the hospital. The hospital denied the partner and their 3 kids from visiting her while in the hospital. She ended up dying 8 hours later. In those 8 hours, the partner had time to fax over her durable powers of attorney to see her dying partner with their 3 kids. They were still denied. The hospital also refused to release her death record to the partner, so she wasn't able to get reimbursement from life insurance and such. The partner decided (rightly so) to sue the hospital, but apparently just last week the FL state supreme court turned down the case.

It's embarrassing that LGBT persons don't feel comfortable coming out to their doctors, and when they do, they often get substandard treatment. It's equally shameful that LGBT members of the medical community must often hide. I've heard that sometimes being out as a med student can harm one's chances at certain residencies (not sure if this is a rumor or not, but it doesn't surprise me if it isn't) - maybe I should be safe and "conservative" about this, just in case.

I was really annoyed when only 3 M1s showed up for the talk, including myself. Apparently, out of a class of over 200, only 3 of us cared enough about the issue to attend. Oh, and the other two were women. What does that say?

2009 Resolutions

It's that time of the year where we all commit ourselves to the "honored tradition" of declaring our resolutions for the year, and pray to God we keep or meet them. I sincerely hope I achieve all of mine. Many of them are on-going ones that'll probably carry over until next year and years after.

2009 is a year of change, not only for the US and the world, but also for me. A lot of things will be changing this year. I intend on taking it all in stride. My 10 resolutions for 2009 are:

1. Lose 20-25 lbs from my lowest weight in 2008. It should only take me 2 weeks or so to get back down to that 2008 weight from what I currently weigh (though I'm not sure I want to know). Hopefully I can go to the gym (almost) every weekday. If I can lose 10-15 lbs by Spring Break (end of February) that'd be ideal, but I want to lose all the weight by August and maintain my weight thereafter. Any tips and/or suggestions?

2. Update my wardrobe. I've been wearing most of my clothes since the beginning of undergrad. I've lost weight since freshman year of undergrad, so I went from an XL to a L and now to somewhere between an M and L (shirt size). A lot of my clothes are loose on me, so I need to get new clothes. The problem is that I hate shopping and I don't know what's fashionable, stylish, and will look good on me. Help?

3. Learn to cook new things! This is one of my on-going resolutions. Foremost amongst things I want to try are steak, various soups, and desserts. Got any recipes?

4. Get better grades in grad school. This may be a bit challenging, as I got 3 A's, 1 A-, 1 B+, and 2 S's (aka, pass for my pass/fail courses). I suppose I could get all A's . . .

5. Be a kick-ass GSI for Genetics. :D This one will be intense, but it might be fun as well.

6. Rekindle some old friendships, maintain current ones, and make new friends (both online and in real life).

7. Not let med school consume or destroy me when I start in August.

8. Begin to explore a romantic relationship. Don't care too much if it leads to sex or not. I just want someone to cuddle with and talk to at night.

9. Make progress in coming out. A resolution in progress, this one is.

10. Live by my philosophy for the year: Whatever happens, bring on the day.

I suppose there is one more resolution . . . but it's not one I can do much about. I would like more Followers on my blog (points to the 3 current Followers in the sidebar to the right). I want some blog love. :P So if you read my blog regularly, please Follow it (especially if I'm following your blog, ::wink wink::).

Now, to look back to my 2008 resolutions. Hmm, it actually seems like I've met most of them to some degree. Go me!! I hope I can do the same (if not better) for 2009 as well. :D

---TANGENT---
I don't know why, but I'm in a rather happy and silly mood. For your entertainment, I've provided the following.

Found at this link.

Hamster on a Piano (Eating Popcorn)


Kevjumba - Girls are like m&m's

---END TANGENT---

2008 in Summary

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Day 1: Heart over Mind

Okay, the post people have been waiting for. And yes, day 1. ;-)

And thanks to Steevo and AJ for their encouragement and totally unsubtle nudging along. Some of you may know who I hooked up with, but if you do, don't ruin it for everyone else! Let each person put two and two together. So it seems most people voted for the "omg too detailed" or similar category, but a couple did ask for just the "prude details." Maybe there's a way to satisfy both. But plenty detailed it'll be. You all have no idea at the consequences you've wrought, lol. This is going to be a LONG post.

Anyway, I've been talking to the person I hooked up with online for several months, since July or so. He doesn't live in the area and I don't have the means to travel to him. But this weekend he was in town, and so we agreed ahead of time to meet up, at the very least for dinner. So I took a shower about an hour before heading down to campus. I had shaved above and trimmed below the night before, so things were in order.

Now, if you pick up nothing else from my writing, it's that I tend to overthink. I think too much and I come up with several different scenarios for a single event as well as several possible excuses. For example: Will I get too excited and cum too quickly? Does he have an STD that he neglected to tell me (unlikely, but still a passing thought)? What're the chances of getting x, y, or z? What if I give him my cold that I'm just getting over? What if it's awkward? What if I'm uncomfortable? What if . . . what if . . . the "what if's" go on and on. I had to stop thinking with my head, and let my heart lead. Easier said that done for me.

I get to campus around 5pm. I meet up with him inside one of the university buildings (it was cold outside) and we went on a short tour of some of the immediate campus surroundings. After a brief discussion we settled on sushi for dinner. Sushi, as always, was delicious. He particularly like the oonagi (eel). We talked about grad school, life, things of that nature throughout dinner. It helped me relax a bit. I keep failing to remember exactly how expensive sushi is. We didn't eat that much, but our bill came out to be about $50, which we split pretty much 50/50.

Then we walk a bit to the bus stop back to my apartment. I point out some of the nicer buildings along the way. I swear, the temperature dropped like 10 degrees within 2 hours. I was on the verge of freezing. We get on the bus and take the 20-minute ride or so to a stop about 10 minutes away from my apartment. We get there, and my roommate was home! Grrr!! But then, almost as if something answered our prayers, my roommate left to go to a friend's place for a bit.

We worked our way to my bedroom. He sat on the far edge of my bed, his back against the wall. I sat next to him and then turned to face him. He took my hand and commented on how tense I felt. While I wasn't consciously nervous, I guess I must've been so physically. I had to force myself to relax and just "go with the flow" (thanks AJ). He took my hand and put it on his face, on his chest, over his heart. I then turn around and lay down into his chest as he held me, with my hands rubbing his thighs and knees through his jeans.

Okay, this part starts to get graphic. The prude version is that he touches me, I touch him, we get undressed, we give each other oral sex, we attempt to kiss, we finish each other off, then we shower together. Skip this upcoming section if you just want the "prude details."

---EXPLICIT DETAILS---
He then starts to put his hands under my shirt and rub my stomach, and over the neck part of my shirt and rubs my chest. I'm a very ticklish person, so it all tickled at first. There's a fine line between feeling good and tickling. At this point I started "melting." You know how people say how passion is like sparks and electricity? Well, that wasn't how I felt. Most of the time I feel like either a very concentrated and carefully controlled ball of energy, or a spiky and excited burst of energy. But at this moment, I was feeling different, like slow-moving wave in the ocean-tide or something. So steady, sensual. And I was hard.

He lifted up my shirt a bit to rub more of my stomach. All this time I was rubbing his legs through his jeans or running my hands up and down his arms, following where they went. All the while he kept complimenting me on my body, which is by no means anywhere near impressive by any standard. Not sure exactly what he saw in it, but I was glad he put up and pushed through my (many) insecurities.

I suggested that he go a bit further down, so he then unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. He hovered his arms over my hard-on in my underwear (dark grey boxer-briefs, for anyone's who cares). I both hate and love being teased. He then put his hand in my underwear, grabbed my dick, and gave a little squeeze. Again, not particularly impressive down there. As he pulled his hand out, he felt the tip of my foreskin with his fingers and, according to his account, it looked like I was about to jump out of my skin (a priceless look on my face, says he). It was something I've never felt before, and it felt so good. He went back in briefly to poke around the head of my dick, which also yielded similar responses. I also leaked pre-cum like crazy, which I almost NEVER do.

At this point, I decided I tease him a bit. So I sat up and closer to him, pressing myself against his groin. I could feel his hard-on through his jeans, pulsing ever so slightly. He returned to just feeling me up. I lay with my head on his chest, just feeling really relaxed and comfortable. He had me take off my shirt. I turn to my side so I can unbuckle his belt and unzip his jeans. I then extracted his dick and "examined" it. I had never touched another guy's dick before, so this was all new. On top of that, he's cut (unsurprisingly) unlike me and I didn't know how to handle this model. I gave a few squeezes, rubbed in circles on the underside of the head, tried to give a couple strokes. There was very little slack, so that didn't work so well. I guess I had it real easy in this respect and never quite appreciated that fact.

All this while, I had my blinds closed but the door to my room was left open. Well, if my roommate came home suddenly, we were certainly in a compromised situation. So I got up to close my door as he took his shirt off. I come back and he slowly slides my jeans down, the tent in my underwear quite apparent. He slides those off too, and my dick gives a little bounce back. He gets up and removes his jeans and smiley face boxers.

I take his dick again and give it a squeeze and another attempt at stroking, haha. We stood there, one leg kneeling on my bed. And we just hugged real close, feeling each other's naked bodies, grinding a little. I then tried doing something "interesting." I took my dick and lined it up with his, then I rolled my foreskin forward so it covered his back. I was mildly surprised I even had enough skin to do this, but it was kind of fun stroking both of us with my foreskin, haha. It was actually a little awkward as he's quite a bit taller than me.

He then gently, playfully, knocks me onto my bed. He grabs my dick, gives it a few strokes, and starts to suck on it. My first bj! And it was a new sensation for me, not quite what I was expecting (not that I really knew what to expect). He does this for a while, then moves upward. We attempt to kiss. I say attempt because we both sucked miserably at it as neither of us had ever kissed anyone before. It was so awkward it was cute, haha. He moves back down and continues giving me a bj, varying it a bit with how he did it and stroking with his hand. With his other hand, he took mine and placed it on his head so I could stroke my hands through his head. It felt so good. We were going so slowly - it was so relaxing and sensual. I had my eyes closed most of the time, just enjoying the sensation of touch that had been so lacking in my life. My hips must've bucked a few times.

While this all felt sooo good, I couldn't cum and I really wanted to. So with one hand I just took hold of my foreskin and kept it skinned back, as the inside's usually oh so sensitive. Surely a bj on that area would get me off. No, haha. Good it indeed felt, but I couldn't get off. I felt just a little bit bad, because it must've been tiring for him. So I took over and stroked myself, pretty fast. That wasn't working. I kept going until my arm hurt, switched to the other until it hurt, then back.

Suddenly I was on the verge of cumming, and I told him so. He moved my hand out of the way, took my dick and put it in his mouth. I came in his mouth and it felt so good as I felt every bit come out of me. Even after I had finished he kept me in his mouth, trying to suck me as I got super-sensitive, as most guys do after they cum I imagine. It was a little agonizing, like I didn't want it to stop, but I really did because I got so sensitive, but really I didn't. He did back off, and what bit of my cum he didn't swallow he let drip on my leg. I wipe up, then pushed him onto my bed.

It was kind of funny as he reclined and hit his head on my wall I decided it was only fair for me to return the favor. I took his dick, looked at it for a moment, then went down on him. My first time giving a guy a bj! I'm glad he wasn't much bigger than he was - 2 more inches and I would've gagged for sure. I tried my best, going up and down. I hope I wasn't too bad, but I'm sure he would've let me know if I was terrible. Also, he was running his hands through my hair, so how bad could I've been? My jaws got a little tired, so I jacked him off for a little while. My saliva didn't seem to last too long and before long it got too dry to wank, so more bj! After a several minutes of this he was getting close and my jaws were getting sore.

I stroke him a little bit longer, then I ask him to take over. I hand him the lotion he kept in the pocket of his jeans. He applied a bit and stroked. I ran my hands up and down his stomach and legs, holding and rubbing his balls a bit in the process. Within 30 seconds or so he blew his load . . . all over the place! On his stomach, on his chest, on his shoulders, and on my wall!! After he had finished, I took my cum rag and tried to wipe up the stuff off the wall before it dried and stained.
---END EXPLICIT DETAILS---

Then I opened my door a crack, poked my head out to see if it was clear, then made my way to the bathroom. He soon followed. We both got in the shower together and soaped up each other's back and such. After we dried and got dressed, I got really hungry, haha. All this took almost 2 hours.

I put on my pea coat and grabbed an umbrella, as it was drizzling outside. We make our way to the bus stop and get back to campus. We first stop by a bubble tea place to get bubble tea (for those who don't know, bubble tea is either green tea or milk tea with different flavors and tapioca "bubbles" at the bottom - it's an Asian thing). Then we walk down the street and I buy us a nutella crepe to share. We talk a bit more - about life, about the internet, about webcomics, etc.

Since he didn't know the area, I walk him most of the way back to where he was staying near campus. He held my arm for part of the way as I held the umbrella. That was cute. We get to a corner where we were going to go our separate ways. He bent down to give me a peck on the cheek. We hug under my umbrella for a little while, then said our good nights and goodbyes.

Stay tuned for day 2. ;-P

This song, "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield, was how I felt the remainder of the night and into the next day. The music vid, which couldn't be embedded, can be found here.

Uncomfortable Parent Questions

Today I went on a walk with my mom alone. When I go on a walk with her alone she sometimes asks me uncomfortable questions. Things that I tend to go, "Umm," "Uh huh," "Yeah," etc, about.

My mom asked me how RZ-F was doing. Okay, seriously, my mom only met her twice in person. Other than that, she knows her as a set of academic stats and as a Chinese girl my age. Clearly, the logical leap is evident: RZ-F should be my girlfriend! So my mom keeps asking me, "Does RZ-F have a boyfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? Are any girls interested in you? You should be RZ-F's boyfriend, maybe you guys'll get married! Do you still talk to her? Does she still talk to you?" How does one answer these questions? Even if I were 100% straight I'd feel incredibly awkward in this situation. It's so annoying and frustrating a situation to be in. Also, it is like a slap in the face because it does remind me that I had/have feelings for RZ-F and I blew my chances. It's like scratching a scab to resurface a wound that has almost - but not quite - healed.

Then my mom goes on the marriage tangent. About how I should marry a Chinese girl, if at all possible. How I should get married soon after I finish med school. How I should have 2 kids before I'm like 35. Oh, and how it'd be great if they lived with me and my wife after we got married, so they could take care of my kids and cook and such. Honestly, no thanks. At least not until we're settled and living parents-free for 5 years at least. I don't need them to nag me for my entire life. Again I just go, "Uh huh," "Yeah," "Sure," and "Okay." This is NOT a conversation I really want to be having with my parents right now, if ever.

Okay, granted I do want to get married. I do want to have 2 kids by the time I'm 35. But I don't need my parents (my mom) chiming in about these things every other time I'm alone with them (her). I have too many things to do and think about right now. Every time they say things like this, it takes me away from the center of my person, it almost makes me doubt who (and what) I am. I don't need that right now. I'm confused enough as is about myself, and it's damn hard work to keep together the pieces of me I know are immutable.

And here's the last straw, the one point that makes me really not want to be at home right now. Every night, without fail, if my brothers or I stay up past 12:30am, our parents yell at us to sleep until we turn off all the lights and go to our rooms. Seriously, I'm 22. I think I can set my own bed-time. I don't even go out (as if there's anywhere to go in this town, grrr). It's not even worth getting into an argument about this with my parents. I don't like to get into arguments. I'll sit there taking it quietly, waiting for it to pass patiently.

Sigh. These are the kind of things that remind my why I would feel terribly uncomfortable/guilty if I came out to them.

---TANGENT---
Some new blogs I've come across!

Life of a gay/bi boy
The real ugly duckling

Added them to my blog roll. Worth a read. Others I still need to get through and get up-to-speed. I'll get through them . . . eventually.
---END TANGENT---

Why Am I So Bad at This?

It's been a little while since I last blogged. I'm still feeling a bit crappy, emotionally. But I'm a little better. I went home over the weekend. My grandparents were visiting for a few weeks and staying over, so I saw them and that was very good for me. Seeing them reminded me of what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of mental state I want to attain. I know they've been through a lot in their lives, but they refuse to show it. All one sees is their sunny disposition, even when they're at their "meanest" or "strictest." There's a warmth to their smiles, to their small laughs, to their voices. It's good to be reminded of how happiness can be embodied.

Yet, I'm still feeling a bit down. Again, better compared to last week. I want/need to get over this. Today I talked to JW-M for a while as we walked around campus. We talked about all sorts of things (except the things that were bugging me the most) and it was great. We hadn't really talked liked that in quite some time and I really needed it. I don't know if he knew how much I just needed to talk to someone for an extended period of time, not necessarily about anything, maybe just to know someone is listening to me and giving me feedback.

I wanted to ask him the whole time whether or not he had ever "suspected" me of being anything but straight before I told him I was (am) bi. And maybe use that as a segue my "bi issues" as it were. But I never did. The words sat there at the back of my mouth, at the tip of my mind. I wanted to say them but couldn't form the sounds in my mouth.

Why am I so bad at this? It's not like I'm coming out to him again. He already knows and is already okay with it. Might this mean I'm still, even after all this time, not fully comfortable talking about it? Or with myself? What kind of strange weakness is this, that I can't even express that which I most desire to know or express that which most bothers me? And I do, on top of that, have this almost irrational fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew. I wish I had some semblance of confidence in myself. I wish I had some self-image/self-esteem. Perhaps I'm not giving myself enough credit; I never do. Ordinarily I throw myself into whatever it is I'm working on at the moment - whether it's homework, a project, studying for an exam, etc. But now that I've graduated, I've nothing to immediately work towards. I have no goal at the end of some road that blots out all other thoughts from my mind as I focus on it. I have too much time for reflection, for thought, for many things . . .

Maybe, although I know it's almost a cop out and somewhat lame, I'll email JW-M my question(s) and issues - just lay it all out. At least once it's sent, I can't take back my word. And at least then it's already out.

Finally!

Alright, enough bated breaths, I finally told him. I finally came out to JW-M. Why did it take me so long? Why are those words so hard to say? Especially when I know the outcome?

We went to the gym. I wanted to tell him on the way. I chickened out. We went back to his apartment after the gym. I wanted to him then. But I chickened out. Inside his apartment, I basically became his shadow for the better part of an hour, following him around not saying anything, working up my courage (or something).

Then as he left for work, I followed him down the stairs. No one was outside (thank God) and I just blurted it out, pretty much as one long run-on sentence: "Hey, that thing I wanted to tell you last week well I'm going to tell you now I think I'm bi."

He stopped partway down the stairs and was about to turn around, saying "Okay, I'm not going to work." I couldn't let him do that, so I protested. We reached the bottom of the stairs. He apologized for being "insensitive" as I had been following him around as his shadow for the better part of an hour (which is rather creepy, as I never do this). I asked him to wait 2 minutes as I went to my apartment and changed out of my gym clothes, then I'd walk with him to work and we could talk along the way.

I could feel the twinge of tears coming, but those were swiftly suppressed. Along the way to his work he asked how long I'd known. I said probably since freshman year of university, but also that I threw myself into my work and academics to get my mind off things - make myself as busy as possible (and I don't even have a med school acceptance to show for it, sigh). And it's true, I've been throwing myself at things, doing things, keeping my mind occupied and distracted, so I didn't have to think about such matters.

He was like, "And here I was thinking you were depressed because some girl moved away." Well, that was kind of true and I told him that. I also told him how confused and awkward I felt, and of course he understood - I knew he would. He said he didn't want to pry, though a part of me wish he did. He was like, "I know I can be a dick sometimes, but I'm your friend and you know that. I'm here." And of course he'd respect my privacy in this matter, as I was clearly not comfortable having this be general knowledge (unlike his roommate for the summer, bi SC-F).

The whole conversation - of which parts are now blurry in my memory - only lasted about 10 minutes before we diverged off-topic to something more "normal." In any case, it's good to have it out there to him. I think I'll write an email to him thanking him.

In Vino Veritas

A lot has happened in the last several hours between me and RZ-F.

She was having a bad day. We went to get Nutella crepes (which are amazing, btw) and then went to a bar nearby to get drinks. We both got Long Islands, which were pretty good. It had about 3-4 shots in it (of vodka, I think). Then she got a Long Beach and chugged that down. Yeah, something had to be wrong.

We went back to her apartment, where she took another 2 shots. She had a total of about 10 shots in a very short amount of time. I had about 4. I was surprised it didn't hit her as hard or as quick as it "should have." But, she has high tolerance (especially for an Asian) and I could just barely feel the 4 shots I had after about half an hour. Soon she got tipsy, and here's where it all began.

After SN-F (her roommate) and SP-M (my friend from high school, now all our mutual friend and SN-F's boyfriend) left, RZ-F held me behind to talk to me. She and DC-M broke up today. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel at least a little bit happy at this. But the breakup affected her quite deeply. And we talked for about 3 hours on this (hence why this post is posted so late). Everyone she's talked to took her side, and rightly so. She can do much better than him, and she knows it. And yet, it affects her so.

But we also talked about many other things. There was a point last year when we could've dated, but I stopped it before we got to that point. In retrospect, we both decided it was for the best. And now, one of my deepest fears arises. We had become such good friends in these last couple years that there was no way we could date. And I knew this, as this has happened with anyone I had any interest in. But at the same time, we could've made it work. We had so many similarities, shared so many of the same views and values, lived through the same culture, etc. On paper, we looked almost completely compatible.

And then she asked me why I was so awkward last year, and why I said I needed time to think and such. So I told her. I came out to her. I said I was bi. She was surprised and kept maintaining that she thought I wasn't bi, that it was a result of hanging out with girls a lot and not being "connected" to guys (in a sense), and that I was confused. That once I started dating and had sex, then I would know for sure that I was straight and not bi. But of course, in my mind, none of this mattered. I knew where my attractions lie, I knew that (at least right now) I could easily see myself sleeping with and having sex with either a guy or girl some day.

I'm not sure how I feel. Sad that things between us could go no further? Happy that it could've been? And relieved that I'm out, even though she doesn't quite believe me? All the above? Whatever, sleep now.

I'm Ready

I'm ready. Okay, I'm almost ready. For what? Many things.

I'm ready foremost for my med school interview in Wisconsin on Friday. I've prepared, and gone over possible questions, got feedback from my friends who've already been accepted to med schools, the whole litany. I feel confident in my answers, that they're not only good but also genuine, honest, and sincere. I can only hope all that comes across.

I'm ready to come out to JW-M. I've been wanting, and building up the courage, to tell him for the last week or so (but really, several months now). He's my closest friend here at the university. I can't graduate in a month without telling him. Unfortunately, I wasn't in any good emotional state to tell him last week or even earlier this week.

I'm ready to not be in a depressive mood. When exhausted, stressed, and worn thin, I experience several stages of mood change. The first is just general tiredness, but I'm able to just trudge on. Then comes an unwillingness to do anything. Then comes the easily irritated/angered state. Then depression-like. After this, then recovery and maybe temporary happiness (last ditch happy?). I'll be past this point in a day or so, and be back to my "normal" self.

And lastly, I'm ready for more sleep. God knows I don't get enough. Maybe after all this, then I can focus on deeper, and more personal, issues.

The Worst Time of the Year

I fucking hate my state! Today's was the first day of spring or whatnot, and guess what happens? It snows!! Not light fluffy snow, but like a couple inches of blizzard. It's still snowing right now . . . so it's been snowing for about 12 hours. This was all after it's been getting steadily warmer for the last week or so, then blizzard! Sigh. What a crappy state. It has one of the worst economies in the US, one of the highest unemployment rates, one of the fattest states, one with population decrease - I swear it's going to get annexed into Canada one day!

Anyway, if you can't guess by now, this is going to be another rant post. Which sucks, because I don't like to rant, but this is the only real medium for me to rant and just let it all out. So if you want to skip this one, I won't blame you. I don't seek pity words (as that makes things worse for me), or even really just "nice words," I just need to let it out and let it pass through me.

So it all started a few day ago. For the last 3-4 days (with the exception of last night) I've been having this horrible thought as I lay in bed right before I sleep. The thought is this, "I wonder what it's like to be dead?" Despite whatever you're thinking, this is not a suicidal thought as I have no intention nor desire to kill myself (never have, hopefully never will). It's just that I wonder - "worst case scenario" - what it's like to be dead: to not think, not breathe, not see, not smell, not touch, not taste . . . it's a horrible thought really. It makes my heart pump quickly and anxiously, and makes me overall really really uneasy.

So this morning, when I woke up (or was awoken by my roommate knocking on the door, because I "forgot" I had locked it), I laid in bed for 2 hours. I was hungry because I hadn't eaten since about 5:50pm the previous day, but I just couldn't get out of bed. When I finally got out of bed around 11am, I just got dressed, brushed my teeth, and went to research. The first thing I heard and saw when I exited my room was one of my roommates sitting on the couch watching anime. He's ALWAYS watching anime!! It's like he does nothing else!

So it took me almost 15 minutes to walk to my research lab, which is almost twice as long as it normally takes me. I was dragging myself along all day. Research was kind of rough because my negative controls turned out overwhelmingly positive, whereas my positive controls turned out overwhelming negative. This makes NO sense. As the grad student next to me says, "It's not research. It's re-search. Re search." And it so is.

After that, I went to meet with JW-M so he could help me with my med school interview next Friday. I got lunch (it's around 2:30pm now, finally eating) and met up with him. I told him about the horrible thoughts the nights before and about how I was still in a depressive mood from last night. Then I kind of broke down next to him, sitting in a public place (thankfully, there weren't many people around). I had felt like crying for almost a week not, but it also felt as if I forgot how to cry. And here I was, exerting as much control I possessed to control my breathing so people near us wouldn't realize the tears leaking out of my eyes. Good thing that all passed after about 5 minutes. I totally would've come out to him right there and then, except that it was a very public place and I don't feel comfortable having strangers hear our conversations.

But what exactly was I so distressed about? Simply that I do so much, put forth so much effort, try my hardest, and it appears to amount to nothing. In contrast, I know people whose grades are worse than mine, who don't try as hard, who are sometimes a waste of space, and these people get into grad school AND have choices as they got into more than one place. I never missed lecture without a really good excuse - the last time I missed lecture simply because I didn't want to go was for calculus 3 freshman year, and even that was because: we just had an exam, lecture was at 9am, and there was a sub. I try to get people motivated for my work, where I sort of tutor a group of students. I put countless hours into research, and in all these 3 years I still can't get this damn sub-cloning to work. I throw in all I've got into applying for med schools, and what do I have to show for it? On top of all this, my parents think I don't try my hardest despite whatever I tell them. They think I waste my time on the internet (not always untrue), play video games and watch TV all day (both of which are totally untrue).

Case 1: My roommate (won't identify him) is always late to his first class of the day, if he even shows up. I know his GPA is lower than mine. He sits there and watches anime all day and doesn't wash the dishes as much as he used to; as a consequence, our sink is overflowing with dishes as I refuse to do them (though I might just give in soon). In fact, he really just sits there all day watching anime with the TV on, even though he doesn't really watch TV. And he complains how he doesn't have time to do his work and readings.

Case 2: My friend (won't identify her) doesn't go to many of her classes. I think she's barely pulling off a 3.00 GPA, although her major is rather difficult so I don't completely begrudge her. But she also has all sorts of health problems - if only she took better care of herself! She's my stand partner in Pops Orchestra, but she's been absent for about 5 rehearsals (just under half the total number of rehearsals we've had so far). She's on the board, and if it were anyone else, she would've been kicked out. I've resorted to learning her part and playing it at the same time as mine (not always possible on the cello, but whatever). Oh yeah, she's gotten into several grad schools and is in the process of visiting them to choose which one she ultimately wants to go to.

These people - whose GPA are far less than mine, who've done so little extracurricular or activities that help people, who're more often than not lazy or incapacitated - are in grad school AND have choices. I haven't even gotten in anywhere! Med school or public health grad school. I don't have choices, I can't choose, and yet I've done so much. Did I do something wrong?

I'm the kind of person who's really hardworking, and I don't mind that people around me slack off a bit. But after a while, it grates on me. I believe that people get what they deserve, except I rarely get what I deserve. Why does it feel like I have to work so much harder to get what I want?

So with that thought in mind, I kind of broke down next to JW-M. I thought to myself, "Why do I even bother? I work so damn hard and have nothing to show for it! Nothing, absolutely nothing. I should just give up and become a professional bum. It's not worth it anymore, and I don't care." Except the problem is that I DO care. I work hard because I'm like that.

I really must thank JW-M for putting up with this. I must also applaud him for not trying to comfort me and rather just waiting for the worst to pass before doing anything. If he tried to comfort me while I was breaking down, I may have ended up sobbing. I cry maybe once a year. This would be it for this year. And I so badly wanted to just blurt out to him and come out, and I don't know if that was part of my problems or if that would've made me feel better, but it might've provided some temporary relief.

Later this evening I almost felt like breaking down again. But I contained that episode. I never did get a clear chance to come out to JW-M. Perhaps when we go to the gym tomorrow, right before he leaves for home for Easter. Anyway, I've written enough. Hopefully, things only look up from here.

The Semester in Summary

Oh man it's been a long and rather eventful semester. So much has happened, and yet so little; some of it good, some of it bad; but where to begin? Where indeed. Well, in no particular order (it's almost never in any particular order) . . .

Firsts: This has been a semester of firsts. You'd think that by your senior year of undergrad things are pretty much set-in-stone. But no. I started a blog and "came out" to the internet (which is kind of creepy thinking about it). I came out to myself, I guess. I came out to a friend. And this is only a small part of many other "firsts." Yet still, I hate the term "coming out." It feels . . . dirty somehow.

Classes: Miserable. I had 2 I liked (of which one I loved), 1 I tolerated, and 2 I hated with a passion. Usually, there's at most 1 I hate, and the rest I like or tolerate. Not one of my best semesters in terms of liking my classes, but definitely not my worst semester grade-wise. 3 A's and 1 B, and 1 still to go (probably some kind of a B). I am glad, for the most part, that this semester is over. I shall now sit here and await my last semester of undergrad, and fully embrace the courses I've chosen.

Friends: As I've said, I came out to SR-F. That was nerve-wracking. But it's good to see nothing has changed. It's kind of eerie how nothing's changed between us - no increase in bond, no decrease, just "business as usual," or so it seems. Friendships elsewhere have somewhat deepened. I haven't been this close to JW-M since freshman year when he was my roommate. I really should come out to him . . . soon. And hopefully next week I'll get together with my old friend, JR-M, who I haven't seen in person in over a year. This is unacceptable. It's strange to think that after this semester, we're all going to be scattered across the US (or world). Again, just like right after high school. Sigh.

Travels: I've been to more places this semester than all other semesters combined, I think. I went to Canada for RZ-F's birthday, "up north" for SR-F's birthday, and to New York for a med school interview. All were interesting and exciting experiences. I rather like to travel, I just don't have the opportunity to do so very often. So it's very refreshing when I do.

Sexuality: I'm coming to terms with it, still working on that. To say I'm straight is a lie. To say I'm gay is also probably a lie. To say I'm bisexual doesn't feel quite accurate, but it's the best I've got. To say I now know my sexuality is a misnomer, as there's still a bit of confusion left. There are days I swing back and forth, days where both attractions coexist, but I don't know. I know I "swing" mostly towards guys, but never to the total exclusion of women. And even as I type this, it feels somehow fake - as if it's not my words but someone else's. What a weird feeling.

Body: Well, at least I haven't gained weight this semester, which is alright. I've been running and lifting, so a significant proportion of my fat has been replaced by muscle, that's for sure. I no longer feel out-of-place in the weight room as I can actually bench and lift a respectable amount now. Some of the guys in there though, are WAY too buff, and it's kind of disgusting. I'm more comfortable with my body, but to say I'm happy with it would be a lie. I still need to lose lots of weight. I wish I had a high metabolism, stupid genes. >.<

Orchestra: It's been a love-hate relationship this semester. I liked the music we've played, I like the people I sit near, I love playing my instrument, but it doesn't feel "unified" somehow. An orchestra is suppose to have this strange synergistic feeling, where each of the sections feeds off of and fuels the others. The cello and bass sections support the strings, allowing the violins to play out. Meanwhile, the violas blend in and fill in the gaps. The brass accent loud and grandiose parts, whereas the woodwinds join the violins in the lofty melodies. And while as an ensemble we sounded good, I didn't feel it. As a single cellist, I am but a cell of an organ of a body that is the orchestra. But that said, String Orchestra has been an amazing experience. While we don't sound solid yet, the ensemble is more readily there. And it feels like everyone's playing their roles, if not the correct notes.

Other/Final Thoughts: Well, there are many other things I could write about, but they're "conveniently" not coming to mind. Hmm. But, I'm sad to say sexy ES-M won't be in my Chinese class next semester, as he couldn't sign up for my section. Alas. But, I'd like to say (and I think I've known this for a while), I can be seduced with sexy cello playing haha. I'm just drawn to the sound of that instrument (I've been listening to cello concertos for the last day or so). It's just such a sexy instrument! Okay, enough of that.

Happy holidays everyone! Even if you do/do not celebrate anything, it's the season and thoughts that really counts.

Preaching Intolerance and Hate on Campus

Okay, I know I was going to post about music and all, but this is too amusing/interesting/important/whatever to not post first. So yesterday (well, since it's past midnight I guess it's 2 days ago) there was a person in the middle of central campus preaching his twisted interpretation of the Bible. He came back today as well. We (and by "we" I mean my friends and I, but mostly me) call these people "diag preachers" when they're on campus and "hell-callers" when they're off campus.

So this African-American guy was standing in the middle of a crowd of students basically spouting his intolerance and hate, telling everyone they're going to hell for their sins unless they convert to his perverse version of Christianity. He "visited" our campus last year too and he had the same large banner with him. I took two pictures, but I feel it might be a bit unethical to post them. Anyway, he was preaching his intolerance and hate for homosexuals and Jews, amongst other things (like masturbation, which is now widely held to be healthy and good for you - in moderation; I think I'd go insane without masturbation). He apparently went up to this girl who passed by and told her she was going to hell for wearing a low-cut shirt. ::rolls eyes:: Where do these people spawn from?! Honestly, these people give Christianity a really bad name. Much like Jihadists do for Islam. You don't win people over by fear, intimidation, and violence. It just doesn't work that way.

What's more is that it's National Coming Out Week (apparently), and our university's LGBT commission was having an event on the diag too right next to him. That got pretty . . . interesting, or so I heard. I saw an old high school acquaintance of mine, JH-F; I believe she's the president of the LGBT student group on campus. She's changed A LOT since high school. While she was out as a lesbian during junior and senior year, she at least "looked and acted" normal (although, she was always rather intimidating for a female). But since coming to the university, her attire changed dramatically starting the end of freshman year. I never understood the need to change one's appearance (or behavior) like that, it almost seems like it's to prove a point (it certainly doesn't appear to be more comfortable). Anyway, I saw her, went to say hi, and gave her a hug. And I wished her well as I left to eat lunch with some people before class.

ES-M is also a lot more religious (he's thinking of getting a theology minor, if possible) than I had originally thought, though I don't know how conservative/liberal he is but he seems pretty tolerant. He was curious about the diag preacher and wanted to listen to what he had to say for a few minutes, but I tried to convince him that it was a waste of time. He also didn't understand the point of a National Coming Out Week; my answer was that there's a week for everything here in the US. I suppose everything needs a week.

ES-M and I had a brief, but interesting, conversation about religion/Christianity after class. I contended that one must be careful in interpreting the Bible (or any religious text) and be aware of the wording, as that changes depending on the version and translation and can subsequently change meaning. He believed that it didn't really matter, because when taken as a whole it always leads to the same point. I don't know, I suppose I tend to look at things analytically and critically, from the perspective of a literary critic and scientist. Religion is a realm I don't like to trespass too far into.

A Gust of Wind, A Rustling of Leaves

So much has happened this week and it went by so fast like a gust of wind, but left me in its wake like the lingering rustling of leaves. Sometimes I'm a sucker for metaphors and similes, but whatever. I'm so glad no one I know knows about this blog (I think, if you're reading this and you know who I am in real life, please tell me!). Now, onto the three major events of the week.
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1. Recording Studio
So I agreed to play the cello part for my friend, CM-M, who composed this film music score for our mutual friend, JR-M. The instruments involved were 1 cello, 1 viola, 1 piano, and a vocal part. Needless to say, CM-M did a great job of composing a film score that fits perfectly with JR-M's short film. As the violist described the music and the film, "It's very emo." And it really is, but it's well-done.

It was a great experience having this opportunity to record this composition in our university's newly renovated sound studio. Engineers sometimes have lots of fun, haha. And it was also a good chance to catch up with CM-M since I hadn't seen him in a long while. He has changed A LOT since I knew him in high school. First of all, he lost a lot of body fat, so he got slimmer and put on some muscle. I don't think he worked or really exercised much, so I think it's mostly natural (damn, I wish that happened to me, I always have to work at things). Needless to say, I have a tiny man-crush on him.

And the violist was AMAZING. Like, the viola is the most under-appreciated string instrument largely because it doesn't have very good parts in an orchestra, and also because there aren't many violists that play the instrument well. I never figured why there weren't a lot of good violists, but good violists make the instrument sound insanely awesome. So anyway, the violist (SL-F), was really good. She was originally a music and engineering double-major, but that proved to be too much of a time commitment so she dropped out of the music school. But she is still really really good. And she has a really bubbly and blunt personality that you need every once in a while. Love her personality and I'm thankful for getting to know her, if only for just a few days. Needless to say, I Facebook'd her after we were done recording.

2. Sexy Chinese Guy
So I got the chance to hang out with Sexy Chinese Guy (who I'll now call ES-M) after class yesterday. We finished Chinese and were done for the day, and I was going back to my apartment to get my cello before going to the recording studio. He was headed the same way as I was and we were taking the same bus.

As we were walking, he was like, "Let's speak in Chinese, because mine isn't so good." So we did, and that was cool. I need the practice anyway. And we were talking, and I was translating stuff from Chinese to English so he understood me, and he stopped by my apartment, and I got to know him a bit better. I secretly really liked his company (and I'm also thinking I'm letting my crush get out-of-hand). He's such a freshman though, haha; he doesn't know where a lot of things are, he was tentative about coming into my apartment for the 2 minutes it took me to get my cello, and he was very polite and such.

Yeah, that was one of my highlights of that day. We got separated on the bus as so many people boarded. Oh well. Later on Facebook, I discovered that he has a blog. Being the curious guy I am, I read it. He didn't have that many posts so it didn't take long to read. Some things I've learned. He's very Christian and is part of the Chinese Christian group on campus. So yeah, Chinese Christians tend to be really conservative about certain things . . . Well, that pretty much eliminated any chances (however remote to begin with) of "me and him." Sigh (I'm almost certain he's straight anyway). At least we can still be friends, I'll settle for that.

3. Coming Out to SR-F
After a cello audition for a student-run orchestra today, I went on a walk with SR-F. I had been wanting to "come out" to her since like mid-August, and the opportunity never presented itself. I had asked her to join me at the library several times, in hopes of isolating her long enough afterwards to come out. In the end, I just said I had something really important to tell her, and needed a couple hours for it. So we decided on Friday after auditions.

So for the entire week I oscillated between really wanting to tell her, and really wanting to back out. But now it was the "moment of truth." So we walked around campus and talked about random things. For 2 hours. I kept delaying the inevitable and she kept asking me to just tell her. But somehow, I just couldn't yet. So I kept trying to divert her attention and we kept walking until it just got really cold and windy all of sudden.

So we decided to go to the school of environment building, which is actually really nice inside. We sat in the empty lounge area and talked some more. Then I was like, "I must tell her, I just need to get this over with." It was also good that she prefaced everything by saying, "I'm not going to judge you, you know that. Unless you murder someone, then it's kind of hard to not judge you."

Well, with that I began to slowly tell my "secret." I began with all the crushes (on girls) I've had since freshman year. And how last year when I really could've had a relationship with RZ-F but chose not to because I wanted to up my GPA for med school, I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I needed to sort things out. And we gradually got closer and closer, and I got more and more nervous. I rarely made eye contact and I was occupying myself by repeatedly bending and straightening this magazine I took from a nearby end table. When the time came, when I should've just said the word, I for some reason couldn't. But she said it for me, and that was a small relief.

From there, I don't know. We just talked more, and how it could possibly be my senior year and there was so much I still wanted to do. And now that I've waited till senior year, I feel like I don't really have the time nor energy to go out and meet new people and develop a (long-term) relationship. To be honest, she kind of "knew" since I wrote a LiveJournal post in a stream-of-consciousness way to confuse/slow the reader down. But she was never "sure" until it came from my mouth.

We then decided it was getting a bit late, and we wanted to avoid the random custodians that walked around. So we went to get some bubble tea. Mmmm, bubble tea . . . Before she left for the night, she kept telling me how glad she was that I told her. I knew she'd say that actually, because I know her that well. Somehow, this whole series of events doesn't seem like a relief. It feels surreal somehow, and while she had to practically drag it out of me, it felt like it was going so fast. Like a gust of wind, haha. And it left me behind wondering and feeling kind of empty, only a reminder of what had just happened (the rustling of leaves).

And I can't help but think that something between us had changed; not for better or worse, just changed. There was no going back. Will she still see/think of me the same way? Will there be those awkward moments now? Will this somehow leak out (though I know she would never tell)? Well, honestly I'm not keeping this a super secret; if someone asked me "Are you bisexual" I'd answer with "Yes." But you'd have to ask me.
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So that was my week, and now I'm insanely exhausted. I really need sleep, and many other things besides. Ugh, there's a football game tomorrow (we better not lose again). That'll suck away a sizable chunk of my weekend, time that I should perhaps utilize towards homework. And of course, the sad story of my life: every time I fall for someone, he/she is taken (by someone or something). One of these days, I will find someone who's just as alone as I am.