The Truth Is . . .

medicine by bloodred on deviantART

I attended the pediatric rheumatology conference earlier this month.  It was like a mini-vacation and I learned so much!  My mind was blown at how much there was out there (and how little I knew).  I ran into a resident who's doing her residency back where we did med school, so that was a pleasant surprise.

I just finished my clinic month, which was mostly urgent care.  It was useful and my Spanish got exponentially better (because I refused to use the translator phones after a while, and like 2/3 of the parents speak Spanish-only).  But it was really bread-and-butter and much of it didn't require much "thinking."  I hate to say it, but an NP or PA could easily do what I did this month without much difficulty.  It doesn't surprise me that NPs are trying to expand their "power" and scope of practice.

But the most brutal truth is: if I could go back in time, I would NOT do med school and residency.  This is not worth it.  As much as I love my patients, as adorable as my toddlers are, as amusing as my teens are; the hours, the hospital politics, the paperwork (oh god the paperwork!) is not worth it.  I daydream of what I've given up to become a doctor.  It's not a career I'd recommend anyone pursuing.  And that's the most brutal truth.  Perhaps I'll elaborate on this more later.

I came across the following coming out video and the way the person spoke, the honesty and anxiety in his voice, really resonated with me.

Apologies that this post is all over the place.  I'm on call tomorrow (again, yay) and have to do yet another 13-hour shift.  At least I'm on with good residents who I admire and respect.  The day should hopefully not be too painful.

More Weddings!

Wow. I've been so consumed by rotations that I had completely forgotten to post about 2 very important events that happened over these last 3 months! As much as I want to bitch, whine, and moan about surgery, this post is dedicated strictly to non-medical things. So here we go!

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July - Best Friend's Wedding

In early July, I drove 4 hours to my best friend's wedding. He's a recurrent character on this blog, though I forgot what name I gave him. His original "code name" was JW-M, so I'll stick to that, lol. This wedding was actually referenced months ago in this post. Over the years I had come to admire his intellect, his wit, his calm mind, and above all his inner child. He's one of perhaps five people who knows exactly what to say to put me in a great mood. Only a handful of things (death being one of them) could have prevented me from attending his wedding.

The lovely chapel.

Their wedding was short and sweet, perfectly suited to the newlyweds. Several of our mutual friends were invited to the wedding (or were part of it), and it had been so long since I'd seen all of them in one spot. The reception was quite nice as well and their cake was delicious (I expected nothing less from the dessert palate of my friend, lol). At the end of the evening they had a cookie bar. :-)

This cake is no lie! So yummy!!

The married couple cutting the cake. Showing the back to protect their anonymity.

The following day, several of us drove to the lake to hang out. Since I had gone separately from most people, I headed over to the lake about 3 hours ahead of everyone else. Though it was in the 90s, it still felt nice oddly enough.

Lovely beach area. :-)

Lighthouse!

Pirate ship on the lake!

Back wandering in town.

I was glad that I went. JW-M told me that I was one of the few close friends he had made in undergrad.
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September - Old Friend's Wedding

About 3 weeks ago I flew home for my old friend's wedding (I'll call him TR-M here as I think I had before). We had known each other since kindergarten and we were next-door neighbors for almost a decade. We stayed friends even after I moved to the other side of town. Like my best friend's wedding, this was one I couldn't miss.

I love stained glass windows.

The ring-bearers. They were SO ADORABLE!! Especially the younger patting the older one on the back in reassurance.

There were many people at the wedding that I hadn't seen since high school! It was a very nostalgic feeling to see them and what's happened since we all graduated high school. Aside from the wedding train, we all sat at the same table . . . at the very back of the reception hall next to the bar. Though we were annoyed at being seated so far away from the head table, we had fun anyhow. The most interesting thing about the reception was the distinct lack of a wedding cake. Instead, the newlyweds had an assortment of desserts that came around quite frequently. It was differently delicious!!

Table 16/20 at the end.

This is what I had instead of cake: hazelnut creme brulee.

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All these pictures don't do justice to the events. But of course there are many more pics that I took that I will refrain from including. I'm glad that I was able to make it to both these weddings. This makes the 3rd wedding I've been to this year! Wow.

---TANGENT---
Remember the hot gay intern I met at the one meet and greet a few weeks back? Probably not, but that's okay. I randomly came across him on Grindr. Alas it says that he's partnered. :-( Sigh, such is my luck ALWAYS.
---END TANGENT---

The Good Life vs. the Long Life

A couple days ago a fellow JMS (junior medical student) and I were conversing. Yes, I am aware that my posts have all lately become medically-oriented; heck, who're we kidding, it's been this way for most of the last couple years, lol. Anyway, we were conversing about the kind of doctor we want to be - one who helps patients live a longer life, or one who helps patients live a better life (as in, better quality of life).

If you had to choose one, would you choose a good life or a long life? Of course ideally we'd want both and patients often demand both. But try as hard as they can, they're only human and in the short run will almost always sacrifice a potentially long life for a good life. This got into a discussion of medical philosophies. In medicine we can do many things to prolong life but often at some cost of a good life. In some surgical specialties, such as orthopedics, they work on getting people back to their normal baseline or in some cases improve upon that - that is, an increase in their quality of life.

It's not easy being a patient. Some of my friends simply don't understand that. You can't just tell a patient to take xyz drugs for their health problems and expect them to be even 67% compliant. It's not easy taking 5+ different medications every day, each of them taken at different times and some with certain conditions/restrictions. It's easy to forget which ones you've already taken and which ones you forgot to take. On top of that, you have to maintain a more restricted diet and have a exercise regimen at all. Because, as we all know, medications only gets us so far; the rest of the way is all on our own. And with each pill we have patients take, with each side effect they may present, we decrease a patient's quality of life in order to increase their lifespan. One could argue that we increase quality of life over the long term too, but in the short term it still kinda sucks.

So is there some way to have one's cake and eat it too? Yes. In pediatrics, the general rule is that kids are usually healthy. The goal (in primary care peds) is to keep kids as healthy for as long as possible, and hopefully transition them into healthy adults. The other JMS who's on the same service as I am this month currently has a patient who's about my height but weighs 198kg . . . That's over 400lbs!! This morning I just looked at her (the patient) and thought, "If I hollowed you out, I could fit about 3 of me inside of you."

This woman also has some young kids, all of whom are normal-sized for their age. The other JMS recounts to me, "Did you see her kids? They're all normal. No kid starts out life that fat. What's the difference between them turning into her? Oh yeah, 18 years."

So if I truly desire to go into peds, I have about 18-21 years to prevent my patients from turning into their parents and developing the same health problems their parents either have or will have. It's possible. It won't be easy, but it's possible. I don't think we honestly try hard enough to counsel patients on preventative medicine - eating right, exercising, not smoking, cutting back on drinking, safe sex, etc. It's difficult in primary care, I know, what with the 15-20 min office visits. That's practically impossible! But we must still try.

Perhaps I'm being too idealistic. I wonder if it'll all crush me.

---TANGENT---
I'm meeting Drew for coffee tomorrow. Perhaps this time I'll dredge up the courage to tell him how I truly feel about him. Hmm . . .

I'll let you all know how it goes, maybe . . . lol.
---END TANGENT---

Gender-free?

A person's sex is biological, primarily determined by XX or XY. A person's gender is largely a social construct, or what being of one sex or the other "means."

This may be old news, but it's interesting nonetheless. A couple in Canada decided to withhold their newborn's gender from the world and him/herself. The idea is to let the child discover his/her own gender and decide for him/herself. It's an interesting "experiment," to say the least, and one that has drawn a lot of controversy.

Personally, I think the child will be all right. S/he will figure out gender, as it's been shown that a child's concept of gender is innate and becomes cemented by the time they're 4 or so. A child "knows" if they're a girl or boy. But what does it "mean?" That can be challenged.

I'm not sure I agree with the way the parents are withholding the child's gender from the child and the world. I think they'd be better off treating the child in such away to avoid gendered stereotypes. Because, honestly, gender stereotypes (to me) seem to be getting less distinct and less important. But maybe that's just me. There's a related article on masculinity that's an interesting read.

---TANGENT---
On a completely different note, I came across this recently:


Oh to have a body half as good as that, lol. Yeah, it's totally unrealistic for the vast majority of us to ever have a body remotely like that. And I can accept that. Doesn't mean I/we can't try to get halfway there (which, honestly, is more than good enough). :-P

Btw, Chris Fawcett is HOT. It's mostly his eyes to me, and less his body.
---END TANGENT---

Like a Fiend

So . . . how're you all doing? It's been almost a month since I last blogged. o_O

Been a brutal month, of sorts. Finished finals (passed all my classes, phew!), took the weekend off (mostly), then began studying like a fiend for the behemoth known as Step 1 of the USMLE Board Exam.

I've been slowly pushing past the burnt out phase - that lasted about 4 days longer than I could really afford. As is, I study probably about 6-8 hours a day, on average. That's not enough. I need to get upwards of about 12 hours a day. The exam itself is 8 hours long. Ugh. Only 2.5 weeks away, eep! I must resist the urge to reschedule my exam for a later date.

Other than that, nothing special. Took a couple hours off from studying to celebrate my b-day with a few friends a couple days ago. Had teppanyaki for dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was good. :-) Now, what do you think 9 med students talk about when they're all studying for the same beastly exam? The exam, of course. That dominated our conversations. Yeah.

---TANGENT---
On a completely unrelated note, I saw the following commercial on TV today:


I thought it was pretty sweet.
---END TANGENT---

You're Better Than Me

About a week ago, I had the following conversation with Michelle on gchat (slightly edited):

Michelle: Hey, I try to be open. But when I'm not good enough to talk to someone . . . I get really irritated.
Me: Awww. I never got that sense from her. Maybe I'm just oblivious, idk.
Michelle: No, you fit into a different class of people than me. This is most certainly not the first person I've experienced this response from in our class.
Me: Lol, what do you mean by that?
Michelle: You're better than me. I'm overweight, and I don't look like I have money . . . so I get relegated to a lower class. Plus a myriad of other factors. But I'm judged on the first two sooooo quickly.
Me: How am I better than you? And how do I not meet those criteria too?
Michelle: You're more peppy than me. More positive. People like you. I don't know anyone who doesn't like you.

I was rather taken aback by her statement. While it's true that I don't know of anyone who overtly dislikes me, I'm not exactly best buds and close friends with most people in our class either. I tend to hover outside near the fringes of most social circles. It's a rather weird place to be, tbh.

Maybe I am peppy, though I don't really feel it. I try to be positive, but sometimes that's difficult. In any case, I certainly feel no better than anyone else (and very much the opposite compared to some people I know). If only personality is everything, hehe.

---TANGENT---
1. I got an iPod Touch a few days ago. We need one for use in the hospitals and clinics (apparently). I had the option of getting an iPad but I turned it down. Before you shriek, here's why: it's bigger and less practical to carry around in the hospitals. True, it fits in my white coat, but it's just this big bulky thing that I don't want to have on me at all times (and we'd be required to use it and have it with us at more or less all times). So yeah, I've been fiddling around with this iPod for the past few days. I resisted for a while before getting the Grindr app. I still don't see what the big deal is about it . . . Anyway, any "must get" apps?

2. Landyn's back (sorta)! Go read his update on his blog, Stuck In The Middle.
---END TANGENT---

On the Wings of Progress

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? My apologies.

You see, my life is nothing if not busy (even if being busy means playing a video game when not studying . . .). Much has happened since I last posted here, too much to cram. Most important is that which ride on the wings of progress.

Right after my last exam, I had a meeting with the Dean of Student Diversity here. She's by far my favorite dean to work with. We discussed what changes need to be implemented to make the medical campus more LGBT friendly and promote diversity in general. Some key issues included: admissions, visible signs to show tolerance, improving the curriculum to better meet the needs of a diverse patient population, recruit more diverse standardized patients, and anything necessary for the new medical educations building (e.g. a unisex bathroom for transgender people). I left with a very positive feeling that things will change, that things will improve.

Later that week, I met with some students to write resolutions to be presented to the state medical society (the body that governs the practice of medicine within each state) that focused on LGBT. One resolution I helped write was to edit an existing resolution in order to include "sexual orientation" and "gender identity" in hospital non-discrimination policies across the state (because "gender" isn't the same as "sexual orientation" and "gender identity"). Another student wrote a resolution to promote anti-bullying programs in K-12 schools.

And now for a couple things I came across on Facebook earlier this week:

Gay Marine's husband surprised at respect shown by Naval Academy

Zach Wahls speaks about family

This is quite a moving and powerful speech he gives.

---TANGENT---
So I'm still doing the P90X program. I'm about halfway through the 4th week. I haven't seen (or felt) that many changes. I suppose my arms are a tad leaner, my legs a bit more muscular, I'm a bit more flexible, and you could perhaps see the shadow of abs underneath the flab. That's about where I'm at right now. I've found the "yoga" and the "ab ripper x" particularly difficult. Yoga because it's just so long (I haven't been able to complete it from start to finish yet)! And the ab exercises are just so difficult that I simply can't do the number of sets at the speed that they go at. :-/
---END TANGENT---

Step Into the Light

Step Into The Light by ~eMadman on deviantART

If you haven't noticed by now, my blog layout has changed (rather dramatically). In the past, the color scheme has always been within the darker palettes. In some way, that conscious decision to keep this blog with the darker color palettes has reflected something within me.

And now I feel like it's time for a change. It's time to step into the light. Things have shifted around a bit, but the core content hasn't changed. Only the blog title panel designed for me by a blogger who blogs no more remains as a relic of the past.

I'm not yet sure how this change in the blog layout will reflect the direction of this blog going into the new year, and its fifth year. Wow, have I been blogging that long?! Anyway, to those who've been following for a while now, step into the light and walk with me for the fifth year. Let this change represent a rebirth of sorts, let it refresh within me the reason(s) why I blog and within you why you choose to follow.

Lastly, I came across the following while passing through some blogs:

Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside the Lines

You never enjoy your life
living inside the box.
You're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations
force you to play it safe.
Get rid of all the hesitation,
It's time for you to seize the day.

---TANGENT---
If you haven't been over to Ron's blog at I'm Keeping Score, do so NOW. He's having a tough time (as you can read from his last few posts) and can really use the support right now. Many of his greatest fears have materialized and we need to help him through this dark time.

Send him lots of hugs and show him the true light of support and love that we all are able to provide.
---END TANGENT---

Agent of Change

change the world by ~moshimoshimoo on deviantART

Have you ever had the feeling that you're on a journey to seek out your purpose in life? That there's something you can do to change the world, in whatever small way you can? That something out there needs to change?

It's a feeling that's been growing in me recently. I read articles about things like the Embrace baby warmer for premature infants, designed by a group of engineering students at Stanford, or about the gay teen in AZ changing things for LGBT youths posted over at You Could Have It So Much Better, and I kinda wonder what I've been up to these last few years. Sometimes I feel like I should've accomplished more by now.

But then I realize that I should step back and take things into perspective. What is the kind of difference and change I want to make? What have I done? What can I do? What might the future hold? Time, energy, and effort are all limited resources. So with some perspective, a few things come to mind.

First, short-term are the various things I'm doing through student organizations. Patient Education was on the verge of being axed from the free clinic. T_T However, since we changed the flow of the program 3-4 weeks ago, the managers have agreed to let the program survive another year. Phew! Hopefully we'll be able to reach out to more uninsured patients at more than one free clinic in the city, and educate them on how to take control of their own health. Also, basically reviving the LGBT group to a semblance of a group from practically nothing is no simple feat.

Second, in the near future, my friend - who I've known since kindergarten - is starting a non-profit. He has asked me to be one of his board members. The central idea of his non-profit is simple (aren't all great ideas simple?): to provide kids with someone who will move with the kid through grades 1-5 and provide guidance, encouragement, and help. I'm incredibly proud and honored to be considered to help him with this endeavor! I could go on and on about the merits of his idea, but perhaps in another post.

Third, in the far(ther) future, my friend AG-F and I will make our video game project a reality. Over a year ago, we had drafted the concept of a video game to educate kids (and adults) on genetics. Now AG-F works practically across the hall from the professor for whose class we wrote the project for. Evidently we made a big impression as he keeps talking about it now! So yes, we promised each other that one day we will finish what we started as just a class assignment.

And so, I think in each of our own small (or big) ways, we can become agents of change. For the better or for the worse, that's up to us to decide. As Gandhi said:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

---TANGENT---
In case you haven't heard the news (as if it's possible miss something this big), DADT was repealed!! About time. A lot of human resources were wasted in the military as a result of this silly legislation. Listen to one soldier's account here, it almost moved me to tears. I don't think when that was recorded months ago, that he thought a repeal would happen within the year.
---END TANGENT---

Lost in Conversations

Well, no comments on my last post. Whatever, no answers for you. :-P
-----
Anyway, a couple days ago I called my best friend from undergrad to wish him a belated birthday and to just catch up. We've both been quite busy, what with me in med school and him in grad school halfway across the country. Now I'm not normally the kind of person who likes chatting on the phone for hours, but we chatted for almost 2 hours!

I could chat with him for hours. I always appreciate his perspective on things and he's probably one of the like five people who I can let my guard down and be completely open with. And that's saying something. After being surrounded by med students day and night, constantly discussing and whining about classes, it's refreshing to talk to someone whose background is just so radically different (he's doing his PhD in political science). We talked about anything from arsenic-eating bacteria to parasite-carrying flies in Africa (to which he suggests a genocide of all the flies) to Liu Xiaobo to the idiocy of certain Midwest governors for refusing federal dollars for constructing an interstate high-speed rail system.

I also found out that his fiance doesn't have texting. People without texting unite! Lol.
-----
On another note, remember Online Guy 2 (Drew)? Well, we've been chatting here and there online for almost a year now. And I still haven't met him in person. :-/ He doesn't have a car and doesn't particularly care to travel halfway anywhere to meet up. Or should I say, didn't?

I had previously discounted a possible relationship with Drew for a variety of barriers. The least of which is the 30 minutes or so that separate us (rough estimate). But he had been having some very rocky months with his ex-boyfriend and almost every time I chatted with him he wasn't in a good place. Recently things have been looking up though since they broke up for good.

Last night we chatted online for a few hours. We first talked about our desire to travel and such. And then he wrote, "Maybe we should finally meet in person, get to know each other, and do something like that [camping]." Apparently he likes camping and I've never really gone. That sounds fun (though certainly not in these winter months here), and thankfully the only real thing I have to worry about is Lyme disease, lol.

So progress? Hmm, we'll see where this goes (if anywhere). It'd be nice if he'd want to meet up somewhere for a coffee date or something (except I can't remember if he said he liked coffee or not). Our conversation then became quite sexual, which it never had in the past. I guess we were both kinda horny. It was kind of fun making him even hornier online, hehe.

---TANGENT---
So I recently came across this:

It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore

He's really attractive and has a great voice. Though, he makes some rather over-exaggerated facial expressions when he sings, haha. He's also not afraid to bare it all either!

There are some parts of this song that's quite cheesy. However, I like the following refrain:

We will make it, we're stronger,
for all the pain they put us through.
Words won't hurt us, no longer,
our dreams will be what get us through.
And when it feels like your whole world is ending,
remember me and all the other ones saying,
"It gets better, believe me."

---END TANGENT---

Power to the End

- Health Fair: check
It's good to finally be done with the Health Fair. That event took more effort to organize than I expected! It also takes a lot of people to make the event a success. Alas, the snow thwarted even the best in planning; as a result, not as many people as anticipated showed up, but it was still fairly sizable. I'm in the process of writing a manual of sorts for next year's students, such that it can be even more successful (despite any potential snow).

- Autopsy viewing: check
This morning my group finally got called to go in to see an autopsy. We had been on call for a week now, and it was annoying having to get up earlier than necessary just to wait for that page. I must say, viewing an autopsy is rather gruesome. And all the coroners have rather dark humor. That first cut into a freshly dead body smelled worse than the preserved cadavers we worked with in anatomy lab last year (and I thought that smelled bad!).

- OKCupid profile: deleted & re-made
So last night, my friend asks me about my OKCupid profile. I had never revealed that I had such a thing to her or anyone else in my class. But someone in our class had come across my profile and forwarded it to her. Naturally I freaked out a little inside. I have some personal info on there that I don't want anyone in my class to gossip about. Hence, I promptly deleted my profile and created a new one that's still in the process of being fleshed out. This time, I'll be more cautious, especially with pics.

- Exams: next week
So final exams are next week. Ugh. Cumulative microbio final won't be fun. But, just gotta power through to the end. Can't wait until they're over. Also, I should probably register for the USMLE boards this week . . .

---TANGENT---
So, a few days ago, a friend of mine here in med school linked me to the following (her friend is the lead singer):

Muse - Resistance (A Capella by Uni. of Chicago)

The original is here.

Is our secret safe tonight?
And are we out of sight?
Or will our world come tumbling down?
Will they find our hiding place?
Is this our last embrace?
Will the walls start caving in?

I love that first stanza. Something about those words just echoed with me. Maybe it's the loneliness talking, who knows. There's something romantic about it.

Anyway, I realized like a month ago that I now have 101 followers! :-) Thanks for following! I think for my next post I'll do something special. Hmm. So I pose this request: comment in this post and ask any 5 questions you want, and I'll answer them (to the "reasonable" questions). So go! You've only got a couple days, as I'll get sick of studying for finals at some point and will need a break anyhow.
---END TANGENT---

That Which Resonates

Earlier today, I organized a lunch panel discussion. Or rather, I emailed Dr. P months ago asking him if he'd be willing to give a lunch lecture on coming out. He said yes. Then he recruited one other physician to co-talk with him, and then about 2-3 weeks ago he decided to turn it into a panel.

Although I can't say with certainty why he decided to go the route he did, I suspect that he did it partly for me (and any others "like" me in the audience). There were 5 physicians and 1 bio-ethicist who was the moderator. The physicians included: 3 gays, 1 bi woman, and 1 lesbian. Many of the issues they talked about were in some way directed at me - whether they knew it or not.

They each gave their own personal coming out experiences in med school and beyond, if/when applicable. The one gay ED (emergency department) doc's story really resonated with me. He wasn't out in med school except to a few friends. He dated in med school but kept his private life separate from his professional/med school life. In residency he was out to a few more friends and co-residents, but still didn't make a huge thing of it. After residency he still didn't talk about it much, even though he had a partner, because it never really came up. Only when he was moving and told his boss why did he really come out. And since then he didn't look back.

The primary reasons why he didn't come out sooner was because: 1.) he wasn't fully comfortable with himself yet, 2.) it was no one's business, 3.) he had no pressing reason to, 4.) no one asked. It wasn't that the environment around him was anti-gay or not accepting, it was simply for those reasons listed.

And I think that's where I am with all this. It just hit me that that could be me. That that is me (minus dating and a partner). Some people know and do something about it. Others need more time. I think I've come a fair way since beginning this blog years ago. But I still have a ways to go. I won't pretend to say that I'm not scared, or that I don't know what to do, or how to do it, or what's next.

---TANGENT---
So, a cursory look at the blogs on the sidebar here seems to indicate that many of them are no longer active, as their authors haven't made a post in months. Where has everyone gone? I guess I may have to do some "cleaning up" with my blog roll. There are new blogs I came across and meant to start reading, but alas too busy. Also, I sometimes wonder if some are worth starting since they may end in the near future. Who knows.
---END TANGENT---

In This Regard, I'm Quite Lucky

I'm going to take a brief pause in whining about my overloaded life, though even this post is related to that life. :-/

So yesterday, I was discussing with my friend, Michelle, over the program we've basically re-vamped, sorting things out and whatnot. Michelle is in the process of finding and contacting physicians to be mentors in a unique program through AMSA (American Medical Student Association) that focuses on cultural sensitivity in clinical practice. She's been having difficulty identifying the right physicians to contact.

By happenstance, I knew of several physicians who might be useful for her to contact. These include:

Dr. P = infectious disease - HIV/AIDS patients
Dr. Pi = family medicine - LGBT patients
Dr. S = pediatrics - inner city (most African-American) peds patients
Dr. H = peds infectious disease - HIV/AIDS peds patients
Dr. C = peds infectious disease - internationally adopted peds patients
Dr. L = family medicine - Hmong patients

So right there, 6 physicians who deal with "special populations" in a sense. I've had the pleasure of meeting 5 of the 6 and the privilege of interacting with 4 of the 6 in clinic/on the wards. There are many other med students who can't say the same thing. And so in this regard, I'm quite lucky.

While my interests laid the groundwork, luck played its part in my encounter with each of them. Had I not been interested in pediatrics, infectious diseases, and a diverse patient population, I probably wouldn't have met most of them. And several of them have had a part in shaping what I might want to end up doing.

And so you see, I have this grand ideal career I'd love to have, but I have no expectation whatsoever of ever getting there. To get where I want to end up would require more luck than should be allowed in that I need to be at the right place at the right time and meet the right people and say the right things.

Because you see, what I want do involves the following:
- Clinic 3 days a week, with one of the days being at a clinic in a Chinatown somewhere
- Teach a class 2 days a week
- Be the director of a program (probably public health in nature)

Sounds simple, but it's not. I wonder what the future brings and where it'll take me (hopefully away from here).

---TANGENT---
P.S. People have brought up interesting points in their comments to my last post. Perhaps I'll devote a post to answering or at least giving my thoughts on the topic. We'll see . . .
---END TANGENT---

Les Jours Tristes

I've found a new theme song! :-D

Les Jours Tristes by Yann Tiersen

The title of the song translates to "The Sad Days" (according to my friend who took French) and it's from his album, L'Absente (2001), and the instrumental of this song was featured in the French movie, Amelie (great movie, go watch it if you haven't!).

I feel like the lyrics of this song perfectly fits my life right about now, considering all the recent events and dramas. Things have settled down a bit now, at least in my head. So that's good. There's a lot of things to update, but I've been having spotty internet at home due to a "feud" between my youngest brother and my dad. So I have to be umbilical cord-ed to the ethernet cord when I can manage.

---TANGENT---
So, I have a Yahoo! email account. Nowadays when I see the log-in screen, they have various backgrounds including this one:
I must say, that's one attractive guy. :-P Alright, that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to update on some of the things that happened in the last 2-3 weeks.
---END TANGENT---

Negativity

I want to talk about negativity.

But first, look at this picture. My friend emailed it to me. It's a lake in Burma somewhere. See anything interesting about it? We'll revisit it at the end of this post.

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Negativity

So negativity - that swirling maelstrom of mind-draining horribleness. It's in ample supply everywhere these days, it seems. It's effusing the blogosphere, politics, my daily life, everything! I'm tired of it. Negativity is like a foul contaminant, only a tiny micron drop of it is enough to ruin things.

Last Friday while playing poker (I lost, of course) with the usual group of friends, the topic of the recently passed health care bill came up. Now in this group of med students I've rarely felt such negativity towards something. All they could see is the negative aspects that may (or may not) affect them/us.

And while they complained about possible reduction in pay and increased taxes, I mentioned, "It doesn't matter - in the end, I'm still going to be making more than my parents. Combined." I guess that wasn't good enough because they continued to go off. Aiden mentioned the notion of a federal mandate and how it may be unconstitutional. He was like, "Sure, it's federal mandate that you have to get auto insurance. But you don't have to drive. If you do drive, you're potentially putting yourself and others at risk, so it makes sense to have an insurance mandate there. With health care you can maybe make an argument, but not so much." To which I responded, "You know, every public health worker would disagree with you."

The following day, I said to Aiden (who'll be one of the M2 free clinic managers), "You know, with this health care bill, the free clinic would be obsolete because patients will have health insurance." To which he again replied, "If it's not struck down as unconstitutional in the Supreme Court." Almost as if he wants it to be struck down! It's just, I don't know - I'm rather speechless.

The health care bill wasn't exactly meant for health professionals, but for patients. It's for the people we're supposed to one day care for, not for us. Being doctors shouldn't be about the pay, we shouldn't be trying to maximize our own salaries. Sadly, the $160K+ loan screams otherwise. And all of that is just wrong. :-/

Do I think the health care bill is perfect or the next best thing since sliced bread? No. I'm sure it's greatly flawed. BUT I do sincerely feel that it's a step in the right direction.
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Positivity

Now I want to talk about positivity. I'll start with the health care bill since that's where I left off with. Again, I believe the health care bill is a step in the right direction. I was talking to a public health friend of mine, and she basically told me that the entire public health school was cheering. Odd - the public health sector cheers while the medicine sector groans. Shouldn't the two be more aligned?

Anyway, while I was in DC, I asked my friends about the health care bill. They were both overwhelmingly in support. My best friend told me that his girlfriend is basically counting on this health care bill to pass, because in a few months she'll have to be taken off her parents' health insurance (when she turns 26 or something). She has a heart condition for which she takes a pill every day (alas, I don't know what the heart condition is). As long as she takes her meds she's fine. But they're rather expensive and if she doesn't take them, she passes out. A lot. She's currently a nanny for a few families, and obviously that job has no health insurance. So she's basically hoping for this to pass by the time she's taken off her parents' health insurance and/or her meds run out.

So perhaps my experiences and the experiences of some of the people I know sway my thoughts. And it does seem that I have a more liberal bent to my views than many of my peers (which is odd, because in undergrad my views were pretty moderate). To learn more about the health care bill, the NY Times did an excellent job compiling several articles they wrong on the subject here. And this article in particular struck a chord.

In other news of positivity, I got both positions I ran for (as I mentioned in this post)! So I got the positions for APAMSA co-president and FMSA patient education co-chair. W00t! :-P This is exciting, now I have the power to enact changes to the frustration of the current systems. Hopefully my vision will be more efficient/effective than the outgoing people's.
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This doesn't really fall into either of the above categories (though I suppose it could fall under "Negativity"), but there are couple friends who I'll never come out to. I was chatting on AIM with Harry and the topic of homosexuality and bisexuality came up. He's basically uncomfortable with both because: 1.) it's against the natural order of things - like, evolutionary dead end; and 2.) he thinks most homosexuals are actually confused and not "really" gay. I spent a good while discussing with him how his views are inaccurate and fall apart easily. But I can only do so much without challenging him to a mental duel - which I would win but would lose him to my "cause" in the aftermath. Oh well.

And now, to reveal the specialness of the picture at the very beginning of this post . . .

That picture (supposedly) is taken on a particular day at a particular time. And if you flip the picture 90-degrees, you get this:
Isn't that cool?! I don't know if it's PhotoShop'd, but I sure hope not. It's pretty amazing.

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And lastly before I go (I know I've ranted quite without much structure a bit in this post), I'd just like to say that I wonder where Dave from Daze Gone Bi is. Has anyone seen/heard from him? Last he blogged, his laptop had serious issues and needed to get fixed. But that was over a month ago. :-/

I sent him an email but he hasn't replied. I hope everything's alright and that he returns to the blogosphere very soon. I quite miss him and his posts. In the mean time, I hope everything's going well for him!!
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Take Over

It's been pretty uneventful lately - lots of studying as exams are next week. :-( And then it's Spring Break! I'm going to Washington, DC to visit a couple friends there!! Pretty excited about that. :-D Not too sure what we're going to do once I'm there though . . .

Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered at the free clinic as a Patient Educator. I discussed with a friend (who took pity on me and came in to volunteer with me for - moral - support) on how horribly the Patient Education program is run. It was a great idea started by some students a couple years ago, but executed terribly. So we sat there for 4 hours with nothing to do but complain and discuss. Every now and then one of the free clinic managers (fellow classmates) came by and joined in. At the end, we had come up with an idea that could work, so I emailed the co-chair of the program (an M2). I also CC'd the email to my friend as well as 2 of the managers who were on that day. She emails me back and basically "turfs" it back to me and asks me to run for co-chair next year.

I had no intention of running for co-chair next year, but now I'm reconsidering. The program is set up so poorly that either someone has to completely revamp it or everyone just has to let it die. And now that this has been thrust upon me in a sense, I keep envisioning ways to revive it and make it better. I know what it'd take to make it work and I'm fairly good friends with a couple of the managers, so I can use that to my "advantage." Still though, the only way I'd run and take over the program is if I know I'll have a competent co-chair to lead with me.

Part of my reluctance to take over is because I want to become co-president of APAMSA (Asian Pacific American Medical Student Association) next year, as well as the president of LGBTPM (LGBT Persons in Medicine). As of right know, I'm aware of 3 people (including myself) vying for the 2 co-president positions of APAMSA. That leads to a bit of politics and intrigue, but I'm hoping that I can secure enough votes. And as for LGBTPM . . . I must say, that has to be the worst student group on campus. It's horribly organized (read: it's not organized) and it's at the point where the faculty adviser (the ID guy I shadowed) is worried if it'll still be around in coming years. I'm tempted to take it over not necessarily because I feel any sort of loyalty to that group (certainly not on the same level as I do towards APAMSA), but because I want to rise it out of its own craptastic ashes.

Anywho, where does this leave me for next year? Possibly co-chair of Patient Education (which is a part of FMSA - Family Medicine Student Association - which I'm not a member of, so I don't know how that'll all work), co-president of APAMSA, and president of LGBTPM. Hmm, I had considered running for like, secretary of PIG (Pediatrics Interest Group), but I think I'll pass on that now. :-P

As the M2's think only about the USMLE, let the take over begin . . . XD

---TANGENT---
I'd like to welcome an old blogger, BR from All Mixed Up in CA back to the blogosphere. He had stopped blogging a while back but just returned! He's a pretty casual blogger, but do go over and say hi. :-)
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Well, That Was a Good Run

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Yes, it's one of those rare times that I begin with the tangent first because 1.) I don't want to forget, and 2.) it's that important.

First of all, I'd like to welcome Tim from life is my college (formerly A Story About a Boy and the Universe) back to the blogosphere. So please go to his (new-ish) blog and welcome him!!

Secondly, Edward and Landyn both lost their grandmas quite recently, on top of all the other crap they're dealing with. Please go over to their blogs and give them a hug, some condolences, and good thoughts.
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This post is a bunch of disconnected thoughts . . . so bear with me. You've been warned. :-P
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I've been doing quite a bit of running since Sunday. I upped my distance from 1mi to 2mi on Sunday, and then to 2.25mi on Wednesday (none of this including the walking distance flanking the run on either side for warm up/cool down). I've been pretty impressed with myself and my progress thus far, hehe. I was never really able to run more than 2mi at a stretch, max. Actually, at 2.25mi, my feet got kind of numb . . . so I took that as a sign to stop, even though my lungs were fine and (somehow) I didn't cramp up. Ah well, that was a good run. So yeah, I have to progress just a bit more steadily I think to prevent injury, lol. My legs haven't been AS sore as I feared they'd be.

Too bad I ate more slices of pizza than I should've in these last 2 days (and I was trying to control myself too). :-/ It'll balance out over the next week though, I'm pretty sure . . .
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I talked to Jay online earlier this week. He's really hard to get a hold of!! I'm not sure if we're going to be able to get anywhere relationship-wise, and here's why:

Jay: I don't think our lifestyles are compatible, but I do think we would make great friends.
. . .
Jay: I think I would be too much of a party animal for you, and you would be too straight laced for me.

So yeah, that sounds pretty clear to me that we probably won't get much further than "just friends," at least not now. Ah well, that was a good run.
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I am finally kind of sort of at/ever so slightly above average in some of my courses after the first block of exams this semester!

The average on neurosci was 93.18% and I got a 92.45% (close enough!). The average on cell & tissue bio (overall) was 88.91% and I got an 89.61%! Alas, my physiology exam wasn't so fortunate - average was 81.66% and I only got 76.25%. It was such a tough exam!! I tried harder for that class than the other two combined, lol. Ah well, that was a good run. (Seeing a pattern yet?)

It took so much studying effort. I'm hoping I can maintain this and/or do better on the next round of exams . . . in 2 weeks. o_O Fortunately, I have slightly more time to study for this upcoming round of exams, and I'm more caught up in classwork than last block. So hopefully I'll do better. :-)
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Lastly, I just spoke with the MPH (Master's in Public Health) people here. Basically, the conclusion we came to was that it's probably best if I completed my MPH (in Hospital & Molecular Epidemiology) back at my original institution. The MPH program here is a very basic and broad program, whereas my original MPH is a very focused and "high powered" specialization, if you will. We pretty agreed upon that it's ideal if I could somehow finish my MPH in my original program.

If I were to finish my original MPH program, then I would be poised to really have a niche field within medicine - one that's growing in importance daily. I would have such great knowledge in genetics, epidemiology, infectious disease, and medicine. The impression they gave me was that there's no way that I can not finish my MPH, because they think it's so valuable for me to have. I'm inclined to believe them . . .

That said, we talked for a good 40-45 minutes on how I could achieve that. It's inevitable that I'd need to take a year off somewhere, either between M2 and M3 year, or between M4 year and internship (which I've been advised against from every physician I've talked to about this). One of them brought up an option that I didn't know existed: take a year off between my M3 and M4 year.

After mulling that option over, I've come to the conclusion that it'd probably be the best time for me to finish my MPH then. The reason why I don't want to do it between M2 and M3 year is because I'd be totally disconnect from my cohort of classmates for my clinical years. And I think I'll really need to rely on someone I at least recognize for emotional support if nothing else, lol. Someone to bond and commiserate with. :-P

So why between M3 and M4 year? Because I can do away rotations during my M4 year, and I'd be spending a month interviewing for residency slots anyway. So it's possible that I'd be away from my med school for months at a time; and if I'm doing an away rotation, I wouldn't know anyone at that other location anyway. Plus, it allows me to travel across the US a bit, and visit cities and places I otherwise might not. Also, I would be doing away rotations at institutions I'd consider applying to for residency programs, so this also lets me "scout" them out a bit before I decide.

I have friends scattered throughout the US. I'm sure I can find someone living near an away rotation whose place I can crash at for 1-2 months, lol. The ID specialist I shadowed did that his M4 year - he didn't have an apartment, he just did away rotations and bummed at his friends' places for 1-2 months at a time. And he really enjoyed that experience. So why not at least try?

Well, that could be a good run. A part of me wants to go back and finish my MPH program so badly, for multiple reasons.
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Yeah, I know this post was all over the place and perhaps a bit off the wall, and certainly long. So to reward you for making it this far, I'd like to leave you with . . .

What Med Students Say

My friend, who I'm going to call Harry, and I have the most random convos on gchat - especially about med school and the way in which we complain about it. Here are some long-ish excerpts for your amusement (edited and punctuated to make it easier to read):

Harry: He [mutual friend] is able to focus, unlike me
Me: Hahaha, unlike us you mean
Harry: Ya, I'm just hoping I can bankai for it or something
Me: LOL, dude I haven't bankai'd in studying for so long
Harry: And sustain it
Me: I'm like, shikai-ing at best but then I'm hit with damn refractory periods that last up to 2 days
Harry: I felt like I bankai'd, went into hollow form, took off my eye patch, and went into 9-tails, and use amaretsu when studying for exams, at some point. Evidently, I've exhausted all of my Bleach and Naruto moves. Good thing I still have hyper beam up my sleeve.
Me: It's ok, I intend to get Aizen on the finals this semester
Harry: Also, remember in Bleach, whoever releases first loses. So, you better save that last release for the USMLE.
Me: Omg, you're right. Damn.
Harry: Or it's gonna pwn your ass.
Me: Ok, this is true, I'll save Aizen-mode for the USMLE.
Harry: Man, Aizen ain't even the strongest. The strongest is Ichigo screaming at the top of his lungs, at glass-shattering frequencies.

Harry: I don't particularly care so much, I'm a terrible doctor cuz if I don't know someone, it's hard for me to care about them.
Me: Awww.
Harry: So like, my doctor-patient relationship is strictly business.
Me: But you WILL get to know people . . .
Harry: So ya, hopefully whatever I do it won't be patient-interaction heavy.
Me: [My mentor] knew all his patients pretty damn well, and how things were like at home and such, and I'm like "wow . . . how do you keep all those people straight?"
Harry: Ya, I don't want to get that passionate about my job. As a doctor, you're supposed to be calm, cool and collected, and show passion.
Me: Kinda hard to be calm, cool, and collected, AND show passion, lol.
Harry: Ya
Me: Passion kinda negates those first 3 sometimes. Caring, sure. But caring =/= passion.
Harry: Basically asking to be a superhuman.
Me: I KNOW.
Harry: Which I'm not good at.
Me: I'm not either. I can be one or the other, but not both simultaneously.
Harry: I'd have to take like, acting classes for 2 more years if I wanted to get good at that.
Me: LOL. Alas, such is our life.

Me: God I don't wanna study.
Harry: I never want to study, lol.
Me: I spent all day trying to pump myself up to do so too.
Harry: All day yesterday, haha, building up that activation energy only not to reach past the threshold.
Me: Haha, yeah.
. . .
Harry: Neuroscience is the beast, lol, beast of all beasts.
Me: How so?
Harry: So many lectures, where 1 = 1.5 lectures.
Me: Hahaha, yeah . . . and then there's phys, the mother of beasts.
Harry: That's ok for now, it hasn't released itself on us yet. But it's coming.
Me: It hasn't given birth yet is all. You can watch it getting bigger though, something's cookin in there.
Harry: Man, wtf. Why is my lack of motivation so enormous?! I can't believe my most productive studying days are the ones I played 3 hours of ping pong on.
Me: Hahahaha. Just do it.
Harry: Well, I'm gonna sign off AIM @ 3, see what happens, lol. Cuts the activation energy in half.
Me: Hahaha, are you hoping it'd act like a co-enzyme?
Harry: No, AIM is a competitive inhibitor that binds with higher affinity than studying molecules to my attention receptors.
Me: Hahaha, is it sad that we're talking like this?
Harry: What's even sadder is when I start studying and will be able to talk in phys terms instead of biochem terms. All downhill.

So as you can see, we're humongous dorks. :-P Oh, on a completely different note, I'd like to thank the people who sent me questions on my formspring.me. You can either go to this link here to see my answers, or follow my Twitter on the left sidebar. Keep sending me questions and I'll answer them when I can!

Also, I was talking to a few people earlier tonight. It seems my ambitions to lose weight have failed yet again. :-/ I'm kind of at a loss on what to do . . . I talked to PYB of pickingyourbrains and he suggested 1.) eliminate all junk food from my diet and 2.) run 3 miles/day, 4-5x/week. Now, I'm a horrible runner. I simply suck at running. It'll take me a good 3-4 weeks to work my way up to 3 miles, if I'm diligent.

What I've settled on for the moment is to eat a bit healthier (though I eat fairly healthy, but it could be healthier still) and divide my meals into 5-6 smaller meals/day, increase the distance I run (by about 0.5 miles/week until 3 miles), and maintain what little weights I currently do. And do all this hopefully at least 3x a week. So to all readers out there, any advice for me? IM/email/leave a comment please! I'd love to lose 20-30 lbs by the end of May.

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So despite the gchat convo above with Harry, I did manage to get some studying done. However, I spent the majority of my day catching up on blogs. So to the following bloggers, if you haven't already, you'll see a huge wave of comments from me on your blogs.

Earl Grey of Part of the Q
Joe of Being Bi in college
Manu of Rendre Bleu

I still have many blogs on my "to read" list bookmarked in my internet browser. So hang on tight and know I'll get to you (some day . . .). Now go over and welcome those bloggers to the blogosphere! :-D
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Janus

First of all, it seems like I've jumped on the bandwagon with formspring.me. It's kind of nifty, so ask me any question you want! You can do so anonymously. Go ahead, amuse me. :-P


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Anyway, Janus is the Roman god of gates, doorways, beginnings and endings. Janus is depicted as a person with 2 heads facing in opposite directions. The month of January carries his namesake. Sometimes I feel like my interests are kind of like that, facing in opposite directions.

A couple days ago I was talking with some fellow classmates about . . . something, I forget what. But at some point I mentioned the 1000 Genomes Project and how my former lab was super-excited about it. The thought of this project is pretty mind-blowing as well as its ramifications. To sequence the genomes of at least 1000 individuals in 3 years, and then to have all that data to analyze, is super-exciting indeed!

My former lab was a cancer genetics epidemiology (particularly colorectal cancer), and they were hoping to participate in a multi-center, multi-national consortium in analyzing the results of the 1000 Genomes Project for cancer genetics. Each center has its own role - Seattle, other parts of the US, London, Toronto, etc. The PI joked that we would "outsource" the genotyping to a 3rd-world lab, such as Toronto, lol. Anyway, just discussing genetics again, and epidemiology, and the implications for the future of medicine and clinical practice really got me going.

Today I shadowed my mentor again (still required to shadow 2 more times before the end of the semester). For the last 2 patients I saw, he told me to go take the medical history and physical exam. What a way to throw me into it all, as I've no training in dealing with peds patients other than watching him work.

The first of the 2 patients came in with earache. Simple enough, right? Well, apparently I forgot to ask all sorts of questions, lol . . . as well as do the physical exam, because I didn't know I was supposed to nor have I been formally shown how. When I "finished" and went to go get him, he told me a nice pearl of wisdom:

"You should have a good idea of what the diagnosis is by the end of the history and exam. If you have no idea, go do it again."

I was much better with the 2nd patient, who I saw immediately afterwards. It was a kid who had a cough for the last week or so. Simple enough, right? I did the history (pretty bland and straight-forward there) and the physical exam which included: looking in the ears and throat, and listening to lung and heart sounds. Apparently I forgot to palpate (feel) the submandibular glands for swelling, the spleen for mono (you should never be able to feel the spleen in a healthy person), and the liver. Ah well, I got most of it. Next time I'll remember. :-)

So primary care isn't particularly simple (and anyone who thinks it is should be slapped). There are always so many things to remember! At least I'm just an M1 and get a TON of slack in all this, lol. I'm rather annoyed that the vast majority of my M1 education has ignored children's health and women's health (except for gynecological issues). I mean, I don't even know how to properly listen to heart sounds in kids and women (have to work around the breasts somehow)!

Anyway, where was I getting with all this? Oh yeah, that I still like my MPH stuff as well as clinical MD stuff. I suppose I'm kinda bi in this respect, lol. Hence Janus. I'll be talking with my med school's MPH director next Thursday about maybe finishing my MPH here. There's no MD/MPH program here, annoyingly. :-/

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I'd like to welcome a new person to the blogosphere, Edward of Pardon my Schadenfreude. Please go over and give him a warm welcome!!

Also, I'd like to plug Biki's collab blog, You Could Have It So Much Better. I know I gave a plug for this blog a while back; there have been collab blogs before but none of them really took off, so I hope this one does! If you have a general question about . . . anything(?), send her an email and someone will hopefully write a post about it. Chances are, if you have some general question, a lot of other bloggers out there probably do as well. It's "general" for a reason, lol.

Lastly (I swear I've edited this post several times already, grrr), you may have noticed that I reorganized the blogs I follow on the sidebar. I've sorted blogs by world region/continent (the US is broken down into several regions, due to the fact that the majority of the blogs I read are from the US).
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That Gaydar Thing

. . . that I don't seem to have. At all (unless one is obviously flamboyant). *Sighs*

But my labmate Leslie does. She "knew" that I wasn't straight early on in our interactions in anatomy lab. Today I asked her to lunch so that I could ask her the question of how she knew I wasn't straight. Alas, she wasn't able to tell me a specific answer. Her words: on the spectrum from straight-acting to flamboyant, I'm very much on the straight-acting extreme. Well, that was hardly useful. -_- Though she seemed very confident in her ability to point out every gay guy in our class (no one is out, to my knowledge - and the medical environment isn't exactly conducive to this).

We spent a good hour or so talking about such things. We talked about how I kept my sexuality in a metaphorical box that I put on a metaphorical shelf - I know it's there, I know what it is, but I'm too scared to open it. I told her I was very uncomfortable with the bar/club scene. She mentioned internet dating (little does she know about Online Guy, lol). So we'll see what my Pandora's box has in store for me. Though I can talk rather dispassionately and at length about this online or in writing, it's sooo much more difficult in person. I was avoiding eye contact with her almost the entire time.

We also talked about how poorly the LGBTPM student group is run at our school, and that if I wanted the president position for that student organization it'd probably be mine for the taking (considering it, actually). It's almost insulting how bad it's run compared to other student groups. Granted, it's one of the smallest groups, but that's hardly an excuse.

Oh, and interestingly enough, Leslie mentioned how many gay guys develop a crush on her, thinking they love her, only to find out they're not straight later. She told me of this kid she knew in 1st grade who had a crush on her for years, only to come out in high school. Fuck, did I just fall into that pattern too?! *Sighs*

I don't know, but I think as a result, I've felt very conflicted the entire day. It's that feeling again, of an invisible hand squeezing my heart. I don't like it. I guess I'm just not comfortable with myself - not with how I look, not with how I feel. I guess I'm feeling down again.
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Anyway, Online Guy is (apparently) busy this weekend. We've chatted a couple times online. He's more free next weekend, so we pushed meeting up back a week. I've got to come up with a name for him; I'll call him . . . Jay. And I suppose I should say a little about Jay.

He's 21, a nursing student, and has ambitions to be a doctor specifically working on regenerative medicine. He seems very liberal, pretty idealistic, and very open. He likes his beer (lol?) and admits he used to occasionally smokes pot, though not so much anymore. I don't know how I feel about this, I guess I'll seek if he reeks of it when I do finally meet him (for my sake, I certainly hope not). Intellectually we seem to have quite a bit in common.

I'm kind of nervous at the prospect of meeting him. I don't know what he'll think of me. I'm certainly not attractive (I wouldn't find me attractive anyway), so I've nothing that'd catch one's eye. I'm like an essay without a literary hook in his intro paragraph to reel the reader in, though I have the subsequent substance to make it worthwhile if one can get past the opening quickly enough.

Oh yeah, there's also an Online Guy 2 (I'll call him . . . Drew). We've only emailed back and forth on that dating site a few times. But lately his emails have been rather playful. I think he's just a laid-back and playful guy. I don't know much about him other than he's bi, 21, in his last year of undergrad, and applying to grad programs. I guess I'll see what happens with Jay first though.

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So in the last few days, many of my fellow M1's who I've talked to have had thoughts of quitting med school and doing something else, like become a teacher, lol. But we all agree that we're too far in debt to back out now - there's only the way forward. I think this is mostly a function of us being really frustrated lately.

I was browsing YouTube and I came across the following two vids. To think that I was able to play the following two pieces before, insane! I was good at the piano. It's been such a long time since I was that good. It brings back memories and nostalgia.

Rachmanioff's Prelude in G minor, Op. 23, No. 5


Chopin's Sonata No. 2 in B flat minor, 1st Mvt.

This was the most difficult piano piece I've ever played - both technically and musically. Every note aches suffering, whether in rage or in despair. Thinking back, my piano teacher gave me several pieces that ached of suffering. Maybe there was something in my playing then that reflected the internal struggle I feel now. Hmm . . .

Plain White T's - 1234

I saw this posted in one of my friend's away messages. I thought it was incredibly cute. It at the same time made me both happy and sad. :-/
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