Thursday, January 30, 2014

Mental Ativan

Today was a down day. Anxieties are flaring.

One. I take USMLE Step 3 in two days. And it's a two-day exam. Eep! I should be ready. I've been studying for the past two months (when I could and had the motivation and energy after work). I've finished the study question bank, all 1000+ questions. I've been diligently learning on my current rotation, which is a general ED (emergency  department) - so I see more adults than kids. I can't possibly see myself being more ready then now. But I still worry about that remote possibility of not passing . . . shouldn't be a problem as I padded the other two Steps soundly. But still . . .

Two. My chief residents have my on cross-cover call every Sunday for the next three months (that or back up call). I'm basically grounded in this city and can't go anywhere for the weekend. When I emailed my chiefs asking about this (diplomatically, mind you), I get a very bitchy 7-paragraph email reply. In it she basically told me to suck it up, that this hairpins to everyone and now it's my turn, I'm being difficult, and that I should be more  professional about this. Whatever. She can crawl into a hole for all I care. Good riddance when she's gone at the end of this year! I'll need to ask my co-interns for some call switches.

Three. My friend (who I've mentioned several times now) started a Twitter account. I followed him just for the heck of it, not that I'd be commenting on it much or whatever. Today I discovered that he blocked me. That hurt. It opened up the old wound. Why is he going to this length to cut off contact with me, all without ever telling me why? I just want to know why so I can have final peace.

Four. In so far away from ago of my good friends back in the Midwest (though some on the east coast now too). I dearly miss them. Facebook is a sad proxy. The other interns and I are often just too busy to hang out with each other, and they like to do their own thing - often with family if they're from this state or with their significant other. Which leads me to . . .

Five. I found out through a my mutual friend that one of my friends from undergrad is engaged. Everyone is getting married! And what do I have to show? Eternal singleness. Each passing year more and more friend are getting engaged and married, and I feel so left behind.

Like the title, I need a mental Ativan to calm me down and small me or of this funk!!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Janus at the Gate

Janus, the Roman god of Gates, whose two faces look towards the past and the future, and for whom the month of January is named after. An very interesting and apropos Roman god for the new year. 

2013 has been a year of ups and downs. Meeting new friends and saying farewell to close ones. A year that marked the end of one era and the beginning of the next. One filled with pride, accomplishment, and excitement. One full of anxiety, doubt, and frustrations. A year I would do all over again and yet would never wish it repeated. 

I left 2013 and entered 2014 on not the best of notes (what with issues with my student loans servicer and a laptop that's crashing far too often). And least of which I was working on both Christmas and New Year's (actually at work now). What kind of year will 2014 be?  Surely one we make, right?

Lately I've been left feeling so out of balance and it's difficult to find the way back, much less time to look for the way. But 2014 needs to be a year where I can center myself, refocus my energy, find my motivation, and let the wounds of 2013 scar over. Time heals all wounds, but the scars they leave serve as constant reminders of what was. 

I have no particular resolutions. I'd just make the same ones as I do every year. Eat healthier. Work out more. Lose weight. Find love. Explore more. Travel more. Easier said than done when I'm still figuring things out day by day, week by week. 

I do not mean this post to be a depressing one. I am a realist, and reality isn't rose colored. There are some positive things to look forward to this year. In many ways, after the first couple months there is only up. But I must not rest my laurels, vigilance is still needed.

If I am so lucky, so bold, maybe - just maybe - I can achieve some that which I hadn't been able to for several years now. Let the new year begin!