The Truth Is . . .

medicine by bloodred on deviantART

I attended the pediatric rheumatology conference earlier this month.  It was like a mini-vacation and I learned so much!  My mind was blown at how much there was out there (and how little I knew).  I ran into a resident who's doing her residency back where we did med school, so that was a pleasant surprise.

I just finished my clinic month, which was mostly urgent care.  It was useful and my Spanish got exponentially better (because I refused to use the translator phones after a while, and like 2/3 of the parents speak Spanish-only).  But it was really bread-and-butter and much of it didn't require much "thinking."  I hate to say it, but an NP or PA could easily do what I did this month without much difficulty.  It doesn't surprise me that NPs are trying to expand their "power" and scope of practice.

But the most brutal truth is: if I could go back in time, I would NOT do med school and residency.  This is not worth it.  As much as I love my patients, as adorable as my toddlers are, as amusing as my teens are; the hours, the hospital politics, the paperwork (oh god the paperwork!) is not worth it.  I daydream of what I've given up to become a doctor.  It's not a career I'd recommend anyone pursuing.  And that's the most brutal truth.  Perhaps I'll elaborate on this more later.

I came across the following coming out video and the way the person spoke, the honesty and anxiety in his voice, really resonated with me.

Apologies that this post is all over the place.  I'm on call tomorrow (again, yay) and have to do yet another 13-hour shift.  At least I'm on with good residents who I admire and respect.  The day should hopefully not be too painful.

Dating: A Hesitant Proposition

Dating: a hesitant proposition.

That's what it seems to be with me.  I've had 2 friends hint as much recently, though they didn't explicitly say so.  I'm the kind of person who, when using dating sites, like to get a decent conversation going before meeting up (or giving out my number).  Perhaps I'm too cautious, or slow, or conservative or something.  Not entirely sure.  Here's a brief history of things:

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Tristan: Half-Asian/half-Mexican guy.  Pretty cute guy, chatted for a while on the app Jack'd.  Finally met in person at a free outdoor play in a nearby park.  He was rather late, the play was like half over.  Afterwards we went to my apartment to watch a movie.  He loved to kiss and we ended up fooling around . . .  We continued to text for a bit afterwards, but then we both got busy and lost contact.  He recently "resurfaced" on Jack'd after having ended a long-distance relationship (some time after we had met), but hasn't been very responsive of late.  Dead end.

Jack: Asian guy.  He kind of annoyed me, was more sexual in his texts than I wanted.  He was very late when we arranged to meet (like, 2-3 hours late).  I was furious as it totally upended my plans that weekend.  I was internally still mad the whole time we hung out.  And he smoked, that's an instant turn-off to me.  We continued to text intermittently for a while, then stopped.  Dead end.

Dan: White guy.  Rather interesting, as he's like 9 years older than me, and he actually approached me on that app.  Intelligent, sweet, but ADHD (which he legit has as a diagnosis, lol).  Met him at a time when I wasn't really looking for a relationship (other than friends), as I was on a string of super busy rotations.  He was always 15-30 min late (seems like a pattern . . .).  He got into his head that we'd be somewhat friends with benefits, but he took the FWB further than I expected, lol.  He gave great head . . . like, teeth-chatteringly good.  We continued to chat over wine when he's in town.  He's interviewing all over the place and travels a lot, so it's hard to predict where he'll be.  Dead end (of sorts, given the unpredictability of his schedule).

Dean: White guy.  Short (and I'm by no means tall) but really cute.  Is a chef.  Chatted with him via the app, then text and finally had time to meet in person (he has an equally hectic schedule as I do).  Met at a cafe, this time I was about 5 min late because I couldn't find the damn place!  We ended up talking for like 5 hours.  It was really good to connect with something like that.  Alas he smokes, but he's been trying to quit; I guess that helps . . .  Anyway, he seems open to meeting again.  Door cracked open?

Vivi: Asian girl.  Cute, funny, smart.  Is a pharmacist.  Recently got a puppy.  Met at the same cafe as Dean.  I liked how laid-back and funny she was.  We had good conversation until the cafe closed, and then continued for a little while before she had to go home to attend to her puppy.  Probably the best prospect, though her schedule is weird (but at least it's fairly predictable).

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I'm honestly not entirely sure how I feel about any of the people above.  The last 2 people have piqued my interest, but I don't know.  There are people I've met in the past who, in retrospect, consumed a large proportion of my attention (one of whom, as I have blogged about recently, abruptly decided to cease all contact with me).  There are people from my past who I still, from time to time, pine over.

Sigh.  I don't know what I'm looking for.  Yet I feel like time is running out.  This wasn't part of the "plan," lol.  I envy the people who "fall in love at first sight."  I mean, what even IS that?  Maybe my personality is just too guarded.  I need to let things go.  Which reminds me, watch this:

An Inner Peace

Inner Peace by *MistyTang on deviantART

This vacation has been much needed to decompress, de-stress, refocus, and recharge.  It has also been useful to help me re-center myself find an inner peace again.  I've been so off-balance the past 4-5 months it's scary.

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This morning, just before waking up, I had a dream.  Bear with me for a while.  In this dream, I was seeing maybe a 16-year-old black/Latino teen in clinic.  He had a history of cancer, now in remission.  He was complaining of abdominal pain and had a large laparatomy-type scar.  I do my exam and summon my attending.  She brings in another attending, who cuts open the surgical scar to peek underneath (this never happens in real life, btw).  His organs looked good but we were shocked to not find any rectus muscles or even a peritoneal sheathe.  The attending closes him up, wraps his abdomen with bandages, and send him to the procedure room where I would suture/staple his wound close.

He manages to hobble over there, obviously in some pain.  I gather my supplies and head over there.  I enter the room to find him face-down on the ground, barely conscious.  I run over to him, turn him over, and check the ABCs (airway, breathing, and cardiac).  He was breathing and had a pulse, but was in some pain.  The first attending stopped by the door where I call a code.  She goes off to assemble a quick team (this also never happens in real life, an attending won't just up and leave like that).  It being the end of the day, practically no one was around.  It was just me and this teen, barely conscious, in pain, but breathing and heart beating.

A respiratory therapist comes by and gives me a bag and mask, which at that point my patient stops breathing.  I resuscitate him with the bag and mask, while checking his pulse.  A third-year resident comes by and assesses the situation, and by now my patient has regained consciousness.  I was able to give him some pain meds, staple his wound close, and send him out the door (also doesn't happen in real life, you don't send a critical person home).

-----

Although unrelated, something about that dream triggered a moment of clarity and an inner peace.  I realized that I must have been, in some way and to some degree, in love with my friend (who's been mentioned a few times now).  This was why I dwelt on him for so long, why it felt like a slow painful heartbreak.  What we had shared in the past felt right, and may have been right at that time.  But not now.  Not when we're on opposite coasts and there's an age gap and he has a boyfriend.  Perhaps he too felt this tug, and decided to cut off contact to "rip off the bandage" as it were and get it over with.  I will likely never know.  But I'm at peace with it now.

Why should I cling to something so ephemeral when reality dictates that it wasn't meant to last?  I will always remember the friendship we had shared and that time together.  I'm okay that he's decided to close contact on his end, but I may still intermittently send him a warm text or message.  I'm okay being a friend in the shadows, available if/when he decides to contact me again.

I feel, for the first time since all this started, I can move on yet still hold on to what we had.

P.S. Bonus points to whoever catches the reference in the deviantART pic shown above.

The First Lady with Grace

I just got done watching the first night of the 2012 National Democratic Convention.  I was floored by Michelle Obama's speech bringing the first night to a close.  I'm also rather floored that it's already posted in its entirety on YouTube for you all to replay.

I believe it connected with many Americans in a very personal way.  It highlighted the struggles to improve one's station in life and that though it may not be realized in one's own life, it can happen through one's children or one's children's children.  It's not dissimilar to the story of my own family, immigrating from Hong Kong in search of a better life.  How my mom's family lived together in one apartment and I was cared for by all family members when I was born.  How my parents, grandparents, and uncles began on food stamps.  How my family worked its butt off to allow me, my brothers, and my cousins to be where we are today.

She tactfully touched upon all the social issues that President Obama has in some way championed - women's rights, healthcare reform, gay rights and marriage, and support for veterans.  She humanized him in a way that only she would be able to do.  She gracefully didn't lampoon the Republicans, something very refreshing to see.  It's easy to see why she's the most popular woman in the US.

I do agree with the news commentator on the TV - the Democrats have the social issues in hand, lock and step, but they need to refocus a good portion of the remaining nights of the Convention on the economic issues.  True, the economy has recovered and is growing, albeit slowly.  But they still need to bring that to the forefront.

Return from Unexpected Hiatus

Wow, hard to believe it's been a month since I last posted anything here! Also kind of hard to believe that I haven't been blogging about all the things I've seen and done the last 3 months (and there's oh so much to tell). Didn't mean to not post . . . oops.

Days have become long again, now that I'm on ob/gyn. It's an abomination to wake up and be at the hospital before dawn. Thankfully, the break of dawn is slowly creeping earlier and earlier in the day such that by the time I get to the hospital, the cracks of daylight begin to alight the horizon.

But before I get back into my day to day, week to week, month to month recount, there are 2 things I came across on Facebook recently.

On Being Gay in Medicine: A Leading Harvard Pediatrician's Story
This is an amazingly written (albeit long) article. The author recalls how when he was in med school, you had to stay closeted otherwise your career can be ruined at a whim. It's almost weird reading about that and about how much things have changed. Things are getting better, but there's always some room for improvement. I think this article resonated with many people, gay/bi/straight/otherwise.

It Gets Better at Brigham Young University

This is a really touching YouTube vid I saw posted. Very well done (albeit long-ish) and very moving. It's not secret that BYU is among the least LGBT-friendly campuses in the nation, but it's reassuring to know that even there things are changing for the better. Definitely worth watching the whole thing.

Happy New Year 2012!

Hey everyone, Happy New Year 2012! I know I'm a day late, blah blah blah, but Happy New Year nonetheless. May 2012 be fulfilling and rewarding; and for those of you who had a crappy 2011, may 2012 be much much better.

Already at least one blogger started 2012 off on a bad foot. Please go over to Landyn's blog, Stuck In The Middle, and offer him your best wishes and any help you may be able to provide. He's in a really bad spot right now and could use our support.
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On a completely 180-degree note, I've got more answers to questions from Well I gotta say, Being gay is . . . (now re-named to "Normally Gay").

1. What is your favorite trait about yourself? It can be physical or character-wise.
Hmm, a tough one. My best character trait is that I'm extremely hardworking and dedicated when I need to be, sometimes almost to a fault. My best physical trait . . . my eyebrows I guess?

2. Describe your perfect man.
This is a tad tough, haha. Originally I had separated this into 2 categories: "requirements" and "pluses." Then I came to the realization that I could give a little more on the requirements and some of the pluses are really more important. So here's just a laundry list below (in no particular order, and the question did specify "perfect" man, after all):

- Beautiful eyes. I find eyes really attractive. The color isn't important, though I find green and hazel eyes particularly mesmerizing.
- Cute face with a cute smile. This is very subjective and no one face fits this description. It may be a clean-shaven face on one guy or with stubbles on another, it just depends.
- Reasonably in shape. Not too thin, not fat (a little overweight is fine), is pretty toned, not too muscle-y.
- Height -2 inches to +6 inches from my height. That'd give a range of about 5'5" to 6'1".
- Age -6 to +6 from my age. That'd give a range of 19 to 31.
- Non-smoker, non-alcoholic, non-drug user. This really is a deal-breaker. Though, I could make an exception for very occasional marijuana use . . .
- Intelligent and can hold a decent conversation. Now, I don't need a doctor or someone with a PhD (pluses though that may be, haha), but an undergrad education is pretty much a must.
- Someone who can consistently get me to smile and do things I otherwise might be hesitant to do. Really, I need someone who can put me at ease when I get too tense.
- Someone who is honest, loyal, keeps promises, and likes to cuddle.
- Is a good cook. Food is definitely one route to my heart, lol.
- Plays a musical instrument and/or speaks a foreign language.
- Likes to travel.
- Is fairly neat & organized. I flit back and forth between being a neat freak and OCD organized and somewhat lax about it all. But I don't want to clean up after a slob.
- Has an "average" to "slightly above average" dick size. That'd give a range of about 5" to 7" or so. Also, not so thick that I'd choke.
- Is uncircumcised. Honestly this is pretty low down, but it is a plus.

3. Last song you listened to?
It'd probably be this: "How to Save a Life" (with Alex Goot)


Before that, it'd be this song: Gravity - by Jason Chan.

4. Favorite thing which is green?
Until recently I would've said my 2 philodendron plants. But I recently-ish bought an "olive green" messenger bag that I really like. :-)

5. Would you ever participate in an orgy?
Umm, no. Three-way, probably.

Answers!

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Nothing to Do

"Nothing to do." NTD. At the end of our day, we leave a small blurb to the night team taking over on our patients. That's the phrase for most of our patients since we already did the majority of their work-up during the day. Basically all the night team has to do is monitor our patients and make sure nothing major goes wrong, lol.

Anyway, last week I felt like a total bum. The new attending I'm working with is starting here brand new and was getting used to the system. She didn't really let me do as much as my first attending and she relied on the PA a lot. That's okay, I understand. But for the better part of that week I felt like I didn't have any "ownership" over my patients, which I didn't like. So for most of last week I had "nothing to do."

I'm regaining that again now and most of what I did under my first attending. One of the things I did do last week was call ID (infectious disease) consults. A lot. We kept getting patients with unknown sources of infection and whatnot. On Saturday, the ID fellow and Dr. P (remember him?) came by to round on our patient. I hadn't seen Dr. P in a long while, so it was great to see him! :-)

Anyway, my pharmacist friend linked this vid to me and I like it a lot:

And I'm not sure where I found this vid, but it's also very cute. :-)

Gender-free?

A person's sex is biological, primarily determined by XX or XY. A person's gender is largely a social construct, or what being of one sex or the other "means."

This may be old news, but it's interesting nonetheless. A couple in Canada decided to withhold their newborn's gender from the world and him/herself. The idea is to let the child discover his/her own gender and decide for him/herself. It's an interesting "experiment," to say the least, and one that has drawn a lot of controversy.

Personally, I think the child will be all right. S/he will figure out gender, as it's been shown that a child's concept of gender is innate and becomes cemented by the time they're 4 or so. A child "knows" if they're a girl or boy. But what does it "mean?" That can be challenged.

I'm not sure I agree with the way the parents are withholding the child's gender from the child and the world. I think they'd be better off treating the child in such away to avoid gendered stereotypes. Because, honestly, gender stereotypes (to me) seem to be getting less distinct and less important. But maybe that's just me. There's a related article on masculinity that's an interesting read.

---TANGENT---
On a completely different note, I came across this recently:


Oh to have a body half as good as that, lol. Yeah, it's totally unrealistic for the vast majority of us to ever have a body remotely like that. And I can accept that. Doesn't mean I/we can't try to get halfway there (which, honestly, is more than good enough). :-P

Btw, Chris Fawcett is HOT. It's mostly his eyes to me, and less his body.
---END TANGENT---

Like a Fiend

So . . . how're you all doing? It's been almost a month since I last blogged. o_O

Been a brutal month, of sorts. Finished finals (passed all my classes, phew!), took the weekend off (mostly), then began studying like a fiend for the behemoth known as Step 1 of the USMLE Board Exam.

I've been slowly pushing past the burnt out phase - that lasted about 4 days longer than I could really afford. As is, I study probably about 6-8 hours a day, on average. That's not enough. I need to get upwards of about 12 hours a day. The exam itself is 8 hours long. Ugh. Only 2.5 weeks away, eep! I must resist the urge to reschedule my exam for a later date.

Other than that, nothing special. Took a couple hours off from studying to celebrate my b-day with a few friends a couple days ago. Had teppanyaki for dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was good. :-) Now, what do you think 9 med students talk about when they're all studying for the same beastly exam? The exam, of course. That dominated our conversations. Yeah.

---TANGENT---
On a completely unrelated note, I saw the following commercial on TV today:


I thought it was pretty sweet.
---END TANGENT---

Defeated & Scattered

I had a pharmacology exam last week. It was brutal. Memorizing 200+ drugs - how they work, what they work on, what they're for, when not to take them - is brutal. There was one question where I literally wrote: "I forget and I give up. I'd rather admit this than make up a drug like loperamine." And then I drew a sad face. With a single tear.

Yes, I felt defeated. I still kinda do. I'm tired and I'm scattered. My desk is a mess (it's an accurate reflection of my current state) and I haven't felt motivated to clean it up. And for the first time all semester, I didn't work out 6x/week (P90X) consistently. :-/

There are many things I should do. There are many things I have to do. But I can't seem to remember what most of them are right now. ::Thinks::

Haven't met Drew yet. I'm not sure when/if that'll happen. He's busy, I was busy. He's apparently been dating a couple of guys (sigh), but it seems none have what he's looking for in a relationship. Perhaps I'll have better luck? (At least I got his address . . . he had wanted an impromptu back-rub and to give a bj that I refused - why? I'm not sure.) I've told him either Monday or Wednesday this week would work for me, or else I'm calling him out on a Saturday after Spring Break (next week for me - excited to go home!). Let's see how he responds.
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Anyway, in other news . . .

Zheng Lab - Bad Project (Lady Gaga parody)

I found this hilarious. I could sympathize with the person in there (having worked in similar labs before). And I love how her dresses were made of lab materials, lol.

Tonight I'm Frakking You

This is hilarious as well. I think the person in the Princess Leia cos-play is pretty attractive, haha.

Life in Adagio

Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

These last few days my life felt as if it's moving to an adagio tempo. Valentine's Day came and went. I spent most of the day studying for an exam the following day, ironically an exam on human sexuality.

My best friend from undergrad is getting married. I just got his save the date. He and his fiance look so happy together. I've known the both of them for the last 6 years or so. I was looking at their engagement pics earlier tonight, and I really like the theme they chose. And as I clicked to RSVP, there was a slot for how many guests and I would be at one. I hesitated and didn't complete it. I'll do it later I guess. Weddings have been really weird for me for the last 3-4 years.

I came across the following a month or two ago (on this site):
I couldn't have put it any better. I've been chatting with Drew off and on, as usual. Earlier tonight he said something like: "We still haven't met yet, this must be corrected soon." It seems like we're tentatively planning to meet up on a Friday in the near-ish future. Trying to catch him online is kind of like throwing a dart at a board with one eye covered, haha. Here's hoping for good things, but I'm not sure we'll progress much farther than "just friends." Hopefully I'm wrong, but I'm not sure how one could maintain a decent relationship during rotations.
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Adagio: a slow musical tempo.

Adagio for Strings by the YST Cello Choir

This is one of my favorite arrangements of this piece. It's such an expressive piece and it perfectly describes my mood these days. While Barber's Adagio for Strings has been described as one of the saddest pieces ever, I don't necessarily hear "sadness." It is, for sure, one of the most beautiful and emotive pieces I've heard with the notes painstakingly drawn out without so much as an accelerando. I hear a resignation that describes the world as it is, a kind of eternal reflection. Not necessarily sad, but it can be perceived as such.

Here's a recording of the original piece (not an original, the original as conducted by Toscanini who Barber himself requested to conduct it).

Finally, to end with a quote I found on my brother's Facebook page:

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~Dag Hammarskjold

On the Wings of Progress

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? My apologies.

You see, my life is nothing if not busy (even if being busy means playing a video game when not studying . . .). Much has happened since I last posted here, too much to cram. Most important is that which ride on the wings of progress.

Right after my last exam, I had a meeting with the Dean of Student Diversity here. She's by far my favorite dean to work with. We discussed what changes need to be implemented to make the medical campus more LGBT friendly and promote diversity in general. Some key issues included: admissions, visible signs to show tolerance, improving the curriculum to better meet the needs of a diverse patient population, recruit more diverse standardized patients, and anything necessary for the new medical educations building (e.g. a unisex bathroom for transgender people). I left with a very positive feeling that things will change, that things will improve.

Later that week, I met with some students to write resolutions to be presented to the state medical society (the body that governs the practice of medicine within each state) that focused on LGBT. One resolution I helped write was to edit an existing resolution in order to include "sexual orientation" and "gender identity" in hospital non-discrimination policies across the state (because "gender" isn't the same as "sexual orientation" and "gender identity"). Another student wrote a resolution to promote anti-bullying programs in K-12 schools.

And now for a couple things I came across on Facebook earlier this week:

Gay Marine's husband surprised at respect shown by Naval Academy

Zach Wahls speaks about family

This is quite a moving and powerful speech he gives.

---TANGENT---
So I'm still doing the P90X program. I'm about halfway through the 4th week. I haven't seen (or felt) that many changes. I suppose my arms are a tad leaner, my legs a bit more muscular, I'm a bit more flexible, and you could perhaps see the shadow of abs underneath the flab. That's about where I'm at right now. I've found the "yoga" and the "ab ripper x" particularly difficult. Yoga because it's just so long (I haven't been able to complete it from start to finish yet)! And the ab exercises are just so difficult that I simply can't do the number of sets at the speed that they go at. :-/
---END TANGENT---

Step Into the Light

Step Into The Light by ~eMadman on deviantART

If you haven't noticed by now, my blog layout has changed (rather dramatically). In the past, the color scheme has always been within the darker palettes. In some way, that conscious decision to keep this blog with the darker color palettes has reflected something within me.

And now I feel like it's time for a change. It's time to step into the light. Things have shifted around a bit, but the core content hasn't changed. Only the blog title panel designed for me by a blogger who blogs no more remains as a relic of the past.

I'm not yet sure how this change in the blog layout will reflect the direction of this blog going into the new year, and its fifth year. Wow, have I been blogging that long?! Anyway, to those who've been following for a while now, step into the light and walk with me for the fifth year. Let this change represent a rebirth of sorts, let it refresh within me the reason(s) why I blog and within you why you choose to follow.

Lastly, I came across the following while passing through some blogs:

Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside the Lines

You never enjoy your life
living inside the box.
You're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations
force you to play it safe.
Get rid of all the hesitation,
It's time for you to seize the day.

---TANGENT---
If you haven't been over to Ron's blog at I'm Keeping Score, do so NOW. He's having a tough time (as you can read from his last few posts) and can really use the support right now. Many of his greatest fears have materialized and we need to help him through this dark time.

Send him lots of hugs and show him the true light of support and love that we all are able to provide.
---END TANGENT---

Lost in Conversations

Well, no comments on my last post. Whatever, no answers for you. :-P
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Anyway, a couple days ago I called my best friend from undergrad to wish him a belated birthday and to just catch up. We've both been quite busy, what with me in med school and him in grad school halfway across the country. Now I'm not normally the kind of person who likes chatting on the phone for hours, but we chatted for almost 2 hours!

I could chat with him for hours. I always appreciate his perspective on things and he's probably one of the like five people who I can let my guard down and be completely open with. And that's saying something. After being surrounded by med students day and night, constantly discussing and whining about classes, it's refreshing to talk to someone whose background is just so radically different (he's doing his PhD in political science). We talked about anything from arsenic-eating bacteria to parasite-carrying flies in Africa (to which he suggests a genocide of all the flies) to Liu Xiaobo to the idiocy of certain Midwest governors for refusing federal dollars for constructing an interstate high-speed rail system.

I also found out that his fiance doesn't have texting. People without texting unite! Lol.
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On another note, remember Online Guy 2 (Drew)? Well, we've been chatting here and there online for almost a year now. And I still haven't met him in person. :-/ He doesn't have a car and doesn't particularly care to travel halfway anywhere to meet up. Or should I say, didn't?

I had previously discounted a possible relationship with Drew for a variety of barriers. The least of which is the 30 minutes or so that separate us (rough estimate). But he had been having some very rocky months with his ex-boyfriend and almost every time I chatted with him he wasn't in a good place. Recently things have been looking up though since they broke up for good.

Last night we chatted online for a few hours. We first talked about our desire to travel and such. And then he wrote, "Maybe we should finally meet in person, get to know each other, and do something like that [camping]." Apparently he likes camping and I've never really gone. That sounds fun (though certainly not in these winter months here), and thankfully the only real thing I have to worry about is Lyme disease, lol.

So progress? Hmm, we'll see where this goes (if anywhere). It'd be nice if he'd want to meet up somewhere for a coffee date or something (except I can't remember if he said he liked coffee or not). Our conversation then became quite sexual, which it never had in the past. I guess we were both kinda horny. It was kind of fun making him even hornier online, hehe.

---TANGENT---
So I recently came across this:

It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore

He's really attractive and has a great voice. Though, he makes some rather over-exaggerated facial expressions when he sings, haha. He's also not afraid to bare it all either!

There are some parts of this song that's quite cheesy. However, I like the following refrain:

We will make it, we're stronger,
for all the pain they put us through.
Words won't hurt us, no longer,
our dreams will be what get us through.
And when it feels like your whole world is ending,
remember me and all the other ones saying,
"It gets better, believe me."

---END TANGENT---

Power to the End

- Health Fair: check
It's good to finally be done with the Health Fair. That event took more effort to organize than I expected! It also takes a lot of people to make the event a success. Alas, the snow thwarted even the best in planning; as a result, not as many people as anticipated showed up, but it was still fairly sizable. I'm in the process of writing a manual of sorts for next year's students, such that it can be even more successful (despite any potential snow).

- Autopsy viewing: check
This morning my group finally got called to go in to see an autopsy. We had been on call for a week now, and it was annoying having to get up earlier than necessary just to wait for that page. I must say, viewing an autopsy is rather gruesome. And all the coroners have rather dark humor. That first cut into a freshly dead body smelled worse than the preserved cadavers we worked with in anatomy lab last year (and I thought that smelled bad!).

- OKCupid profile: deleted & re-made
So last night, my friend asks me about my OKCupid profile. I had never revealed that I had such a thing to her or anyone else in my class. But someone in our class had come across my profile and forwarded it to her. Naturally I freaked out a little inside. I have some personal info on there that I don't want anyone in my class to gossip about. Hence, I promptly deleted my profile and created a new one that's still in the process of being fleshed out. This time, I'll be more cautious, especially with pics.

- Exams: next week
So final exams are next week. Ugh. Cumulative microbio final won't be fun. But, just gotta power through to the end. Can't wait until they're over. Also, I should probably register for the USMLE boards this week . . .

---TANGENT---
So, a few days ago, a friend of mine here in med school linked me to the following (her friend is the lead singer):

Muse - Resistance (A Capella by Uni. of Chicago)

The original is here.

Is our secret safe tonight?
And are we out of sight?
Or will our world come tumbling down?
Will they find our hiding place?
Is this our last embrace?
Will the walls start caving in?

I love that first stanza. Something about those words just echoed with me. Maybe it's the loneliness talking, who knows. There's something romantic about it.

Anyway, I realized like a month ago that I now have 101 followers! :-) Thanks for following! I think for my next post I'll do something special. Hmm. So I pose this request: comment in this post and ask any 5 questions you want, and I'll answer them (to the "reasonable" questions). So go! You've only got a couple days, as I'll get sick of studying for finals at some point and will need a break anyhow.
---END TANGENT---

Thanksgiving, Finally

Hey all,

Still alive . . . somehow.

Micro virology exam: check.
Laundry folded: check.
Things packed: check (mostly).
In bed before 12:30am: evidently not.

Anyway, this is perhaps the last chance I'll get to blog until I get back from Thanksgiving break. Not much to say, really. Did alright in my micro exam. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but not bad either. The class average better not be higher than my grade (of 86%)!!

I finally finished watching Top Chef: Just Desserts. Not as good as the original Top Chef, but entertaining nonetheless. I must admit, I partly watch it because of Yigit Pura. God, his desserts on that show are as delicious-looking as he is! Okay, that just sounds weird, but whatever.
Here are some links to more pics of (several shirtless :-P) and info on him: Project Q, Bravo TV, The Advocate.

And here's his YouTube blurb for the It Gets Better Project:


Lastly, for anyone who's ever played the game Pokemon, listen to this. You will be blown away.

Alright, that's all for now. Kind of a random post. Happy Thanksgiving!! :-D

Life is a Boat

Rie Fu - Life is a Boat

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We all are rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

(Japanese)
Far away, I'm breathing, as if I'm transparent
It would seem I'm in the dark, but I was only blindfolded
I give a prayer as I wait for the new day
Shining vividly up to the edge of that sea

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

(Japanese)
People's hearts change and sneak away from them
The moon in its new cycle leads the boat again

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me want to strain against the oars
And soon I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I ever see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you, and keep you strong

(Japanese)
And the journey continues on quiet days as well
The moon in its new cycle shines on the boat again
I give a prayer as I wait for the new day
Shining vividly up to the edge of the sea

And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
And make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can see the shore

(Japanese)
We are all rowing a boat of fate
but the waves keep attacking us
But isn't this that still a wonderful journey?
They are all wonderful journeys

Translation found here. Sometimes certain songs just resonate, you know? I wish I could be beyond the 3rd stanza of this song, oh well. Anyway, I first heard this song as the ending theme to the anime, Bleach.

Here's a vid of it:

I'll Let You Take the Lead

Well, I don't know. Still here. Still stressed. Still sending out a ridiculously high volume of emails. Still just pushing on through. Nothing really new to update.





The above two have been stuck in my head for the last 2 weeks or so. I actually printed the sheet music for the cello part to the first piece, though I haven't had a chance to sight-read through all of it. The second song my friend described as, "I'm sorry but this is so the kind of stuff when I went to gay clubs back in LA." I was amused.

This is all.

It Gets Better

I came across the It Gets Better Project yesterday. It was started by Dan Savage in the wake of the much-publicized recent LGBT youth suicides, and it basically collects video stories from people on YouTube telling LGBT teens that "it gets better."

Although I don't have a message to share, per se, there are a few I'd like to share (and I've quoted some of the lines they said that I could relate to). The first 2 are from the It Gets Better Project and the last one is a very emotional and moving vid.


"It gets better . . . well to be honest, I still have to believe that in myself. But I think it's gonna get better. And sometimes it feels like you're the absolute only person left in the world to care for yourself and even then you don't want to care for yourself. But, something you've gotta remember is that somebody out there needs you as much as you need somebody."


"I struggled a lot in high school with mostly myself, I suppose; I didn't have a lot of problem getting picked on, but I knew it wasn't acceptable or really smiled upon. So I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame and all that stuff that is very unpleasant and hard when you feel alone . . . and it's rough."

"My favorite memory is watching the sun rise on a mountaintop with this boy I was in love with and it was amazing, and if I didn't make it through high school I wouldn't've been able to do that. . . . Thank God that I'm human and able to experience this." Something about this bit really got to me.



So this post is for any of you readers out there who're having a difficult time. This is for you bloggers/ex-bloggers. This is for me. This is for us.