Officially an MD!! Now What?

Last Thursday: Was hooded by my faculty adviser.  Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).

Last Friday:  Graduated!!  Now officially an MD, woohoo!!

Last Saturday:  Pack pack pack.  Friend's wedding.  Pack.

Sunday:  Pack pack pack.  Last brunch with friends in town.  Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.

Today:  Happy Birthday to me!  Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever.  It was pretty chill.  Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good.  :-)

Privilege & Entitlement

"The moral test of government is how it treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are at the twilight of life, the aged; and those in the shadow of life, the sick, the needy, and the handicapped."

I came across that quote in this article, Addressing the needs of the disadvantaged in our health system. The words themselves struck me and the article is well worth a read (it's by a med student).

I linked that article to a friend and she shot it down as overly idealistic because people will find a way to take advantage of and manipulate the system. Then people will begin to feel entitled to the help from the government and stop trying as hard to pull themselves out of whatever situation they find themselves in. The public health aspect of me balked. She turned it back on me and remarked that I probably felt more entitled than her, and that her boyfriend almost certainly feels more entitled than either of us. I was confused. She stated that I must feel entitled to be paired with good physicians as my clinical teachers and that I expect certain things to happen or else. I was taken aback. This then became a philosophical discourse of sorts.

I have never really felt entitled to much past high school. I learned very quickly that things in life must, more often than not, be earned. I have never felt a sense of entitlement in med school. Whether or not I am paired with a good physician or not is purely luck (that said, I've been pretty lucky lately).

Every moment I have time to give pause I am filled by a sense of privilege. Truly, being a doctor is a privilege and one of the highest out there. In how many other professions can you ask someone to take off their clothes and allow you to touch them in ways that would otherwise get you arrested? In how many other professions will someone come to you and ask you to cut them open and do what you will inside them without getting sent to jail? In how many other professions can you ask someone about the whole "sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll" without getting them arrested?

I am aware that every time I walk into a patient room, I have mere seconds to earn their trust. It's an interaction that takes place within a few seconds' time, but it is so critical. With adults, this is an introduction and a shaking of hands. With kids, this is more subtle but can be sensed by the look in their eyes (and whether they give you a high-five or fist-pound). With newborns, it's a settling back into a calm. I am motivated by a sense of awe for the practice of medicine. For patients to allow me to listen to their stories, to examine them physically, to place trust in my words (as a M3 med student), to consent to have me assist in their surgeries and be elbow deep into their abdomens - I'm not sure words can express the sense of gratitude and privilege one can feel.

Unfortunately for many of my peers, the rigors of the training and the complexities of the patients out of our control have jaded them. To quote Dr. Walcott in the movie, Patch Adams:

"Our job is to rigorously and ruthlessly train the humanity out of you and make you into something better. We're gonna make doctors out of you."

In a profession that deals with humanity, how have we allowed it to smother out our own humanity? It's a curious thing. I would be lying if I said I haven't had my moments when I wondered why I even bother to help some patients, knowing that they will not or cannot help themselves. I would be lying if I said I haven't ever been pissed at a patient when things took a turn for the worst.

But thinking back to WHY I'm here in the first place brings me around full circle and sustains me. Everyone has a reason for going to med school, some of them better and nobler than others. I believe those who hold onto their reasons and do not lose sight of it are best able to make it through without become (as) jaded.

Well, this post has been rather long and I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of sense. I'll have more to say after my exam on Monday. Eep!

Mask of Ideas

i used to have great ideas by *Formor on deviantART

"We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them."

I just watched V for Vendetta (finally) last night. It's definitely one of the best movies I've seen. I can't believe it's taken me this long to watch it! I love the premise of the movie. That an idea can be so powerful and consuming is certainly thought-provoking.

And so I ask: what was the last idea that you felt was worth fighting for? The last idea that was worth risking something for? Sacrificing something for?

While there are few ideas of mine that involve much risk, ideas have been consuming my time of late. Before this year, I never considered myself an advocate of much. There were few ideas that I felt passionate about to actively champion. But here I am, advocating for change and improvement. That ideas can be so enrapturing and form a mask is very real.

As I may have alluded to in the last few posts (or maybe not, I don't know), the idea of "diversity" has become my cause. Diversity competency has been slipping from the medical curriculum here, and that's not a good thing. It's such an easy thing to cut since with advances in medicine, there's more to learn and as they saying goes, "Something's gotta give." But as the patient population becomes more diverse, we must be keeping pace with being comfortable and competent to treat any patient that walks through our doors. As such, I've been working with the Office of Diversity, with the student Diversity Committee, with other students in the AMA (American Medical Association) to push for resolutions in the state medical society, and within my own student organizations.

And I never imagined I'd be doing what I am now, that this would be my idea and cause. I always thought that someone else with greater passion than I would take care of it. Clearly it hasn't been done, and so I step up.

But in that same quote above, follows the next line:

"But you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it or hold it. Ideas do not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love."

And this makes me wonder. What am I missing/sacrificing? That line rings true. I can't kiss, touch, or hold my ideas. They're intangible thoughts and only their actions can be become manifest, not them themselves. And sadly, I haven't experienced this thing known as "romantic love." I don't really know how to go about it. I run into walls and barriers every time I try. Have I, perhaps, diverted that energy towards an idea/cause bigger than myself instead? Who knows.

And coming back from school today, I thought to myself: what is the idea behind our white coats? What does it mean and symbolize? All I see is something that gets dirty incredibly easily but fortunately has a ton of utility (in its many pockets). The white coat doesn't make me better or smarter than anyone else, I am no different, it doesn't make me impervious to anything, so is there an idea behind there that I can rally behind?

Because you see, in pediatrics, few people (residents and beyond) wear their white coats and they often seem relieved to not have to . . .

Such existential questions behind this mask.

Popping In

Hey all,

Just popping in here for a bit. It's been a busy few days. Last week was one of the most frustrating weeks I've had in a long time. The corner of my left eye still intermittently twitches uncontrollably from time to time, even now. I won't go into all my frustrations, for there are many. And the moment's passed anyhow.

But, this week has been better thus far. I won't say much more than that right now. One thing I've learned is that I should never proclaim good things, because I jinx myself and things don't turn out as wonderful as I predict, lol.

Also, Inception, amazing movie. Go see it!! I couldn't stop thinking about it after seeing it on Sunday, and that might be why I didn't sleep too well that night, lol.

Alright, last week of peds rheum. And I have to give a 10-minute presentation on something on Thursday. That PowerPoint is almost done . . .

5-Day Weekend

I'm now done with primary care pediatrics in the inner city, and I'll be starting pediatric rheumatology tomorrow. No idea what it's going to be like, so this'll be interesting to say the least.

Because the primary care pediatrician I've been with the last 2 weeks only works Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays (albeit, from 8am to 8pm), I got Thursday and Friday off. I also got today - Monday, July 5th - off as well. So all this translated to a 5-day weekend for the 4th of July. :-D

I've been taking it easy the last few days - hanging out, cleaning a little bit, and working out a little. I don't remember if I talked about this, but apparently I lost about 6lbs during my 2 weeks in pediatric infectious disease, and then gained 3lbs in primary care pediatrics, and now lost those 3lbs again (until I gorged myself during lunch today, alas). Curious. Since I'll be in the hospital for 4 weeks, I'll probably lose more weight (here's hoping?).

Anyway, on Saturday, I saw the new The Karate Kid movie with a friend. I actually thought it was a pretty good movie - I thought that the acting was great and the music was good; Jackie Chan did a really good job. It would've made more sense and been more aptly titled The Kung Fu Kid, but I read somewhere they changed it to The Karate Kid later on. According to my friend, they apparently call it The Kung Fu Kid in China, or something like that. And today, I watched the original The Karate Kid with some friends, just for comparison because it's been years since I last saw the original, and didn't remember it well. Honestly, I thought that the new remake wasn't bad and didn't do a disservice to the original - other than karate having absolutely no role in the remake. Ah well. It's still a movie I think that's worth watching.

Later on Saturday, I went to a outdoor live music festival by the lake with a friend to watch the city fire off fireworks. I've rarely been close to seeing fireworks, so it was really nice to see them go off by/on the lake. :-) The local fireworks were today, so a few of us got a good view of them. However, there were also LOTS of mosquitoes out, so we were all pretty much doing our mosquito-be-gone dance. I really like fireworks.

Yesterday, I watched Infernal Affairs and The Departed with a friend at his apartment. The Departed is an American remake of the Chinese Infernal Affairs. There were certain scenes, plot elements, and even lines that were almost verbatim translations. That was amusing. I personally liked Infernal Affairs better because the exposition at the beginning is shorter, the good guy/bad guy distinction is a bit more nebulous at first (adding to the mystery), and the two main characters were easier to sympathize with. Also, in seemingly classic Asian style, the movie was a bit more psychological and there was more display of high-tech/using wit scenes (if that makes sense at all). The movie had English subtitles, and it took me a little while to get used to them while hearing Chinese. I translate Chinese differently in my head, so the English subs messed with my head a little for a few minutes, haha.

Lastly, Jake (my best friend from undergrad), is now in Beijing. I meant to call him before he left, because I needed his counsel. Alas, I missed my window of opportunity. However, he told me that about a week ago he proposed to his girlfriend and now they're engaged!! Their wedding is about 1 year from this Saturday. I'm so happy for them!! And I'm soooo not missing their wedding, even if it means a lower grade on a rotation (though, I "shouldn't" be on service over a weekend . . . maybe on call? I really need to somehow figure all that out . . .).

Summer Begins Now

Wow, it's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted. o_O Much has happened since, but I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

-----
1. Final exams finished last Friday. They were all surprisingly brutal, but I kicked ass on neurosci (thanks to my PowerPoint). I can finally put the "M" of "M.D." behind my name now, lol.

2. I got my pediatric externship placements. I'm doing peds ID (infectious disease) for 2 weeks, primary care peds for 2 weeks, and then peds rheumatology for 4 weeks. I didn't even rank peds rheumatology, so I'm not sure why/how I got that. I'm not entirely sure what peds rheumatology is all about even - I'm guessing a lot of musculoskeletal issues like juvenile arthritis. I also hear that it's pretty genetics heavy, so this should be interesting. I start with peds ID next Monday.

3. Henry, my roommate, and I took a weekend trip to Chicago right after finals. We stayed with one of my roommate's friends, who has an amazing apartment in downtown Chicago. I'm pretty sure I spent more during this weekend trip to Chicago than my 4 days in Washington, DC. Some places we visited include:

Millennium Park (see the Bean!)

Grant Park

Downtown Chicago

Navy Pier

Chinatown

We watched The Prince of Persia which was a surprisingly good movie . . . after I got past the fact that Jake Gyllenhaal isn't even remotely Persian-looking (though, he was quite hot in the movie). While watching the movie, I couldn't help but notice the sheer amount of parkour in it. We also had Korean bbq, which was good. The Korean waitress attending us got quite annoyed at us (quite possibly because we weren't Korean, lol).

4. Spent 4 hours with my co-president planning out all the 2010-2011 APAMSA events. That was an epic 4 hours.

5. Had dinner with my lab group in downtown. Fun times. One of my labmates is getting married in July and I finally sent in my RSVP, lol.

6. Made steak last night for the first time ever. It actually turned out really well! Hurray for merlot. :-D Next, to learn how to cook fish. Also, the Chinese bbq duck (that I bought in Chinatown) paired oddly well with merlot.

7. Will be having a dinner meeting with the LGBTPM board and one of the 3 faculty advisors in about 45 minutes.
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That's about all there is for now. Tune in next time for another post. :-P

Sentimental?

I.

Sometimes I like to wake up at the crack of dawn, before pretty much anyone else. On these days, I like to watch the orange glow of the sun force the creeping shadows of night into retreat. I like to walk around town before almost anyone else, and see the shops just beginning to open. People slowly fill the sidewalks and cars slowly fill the streets. People exit doors with coffee in hand. Now the sun is higher up and washes the cement in yellow light.

Sometimes I like to stay in on a rainy day. I like to avoid the gloom and dreariness of going out on such afternoons. I would cut up some strawberries and sit, curled by my laptop or TV, eating the strawberries slowly. It would be nice to have someone with me, to share my strawberries with.

Sometimes I like to stand outside at sunset, with my eyes closed, feeling the wind in my hair and on my skin, feeling the soft fading heat of the sun on my face. I would take a deep breath, inhaling deeply, smelling the grass, the trees, the flowers, the springtime. As I walk pass trees, I would look above me and take note of the green leaves and the small flowers that most people would miss - like the pale green flowers of maples. Sometimes I would pause to take a closer look, and see if the tree was a male, a female, or both.

Sometimes I like to take a walk in the summer night, the cool air and darkness around me. The moon and stars adorned above, and streetlamps to guide my way. There's a kind of solace in being awake and out at this hour, a kind of silence only broken by the chirp of crickets. I would walk slowly, taking in the night before I too drift off to sleep and the world of dreams.

And so I ask, who's with me? And so I ask, will you join me? And for this, my friend called me sentimental. And so I ask, am I?
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II.

So I friended Drew (Online Guy #2) on Facebook a while back. We've been chatting intermittently back and forth. He seems very busy, so our conversations have been very short. Apparently, he's been dating some guy for 3-4 months now. But then they broke up. And got back together yesterday/today. And will be breaking up (for good?) again today/tomorrow. I don't know what to think, do, or say. I'll just sit this one out and see what happens. All I know is that I felt pretty down this morning when I saw on Facebook that he had gotten back together. And after he (very briefly) cried to me how unhappy he is in the relationship with that guy, and how he wants to break up for good, I'm not sure what I feel.

He seems like a genuinely cool guy, from the brief conversations we've had. He's intelligent, kind of eclectic (which I like), kind of goofy, but really busy. But then again, I suppose I am too. Alas, a fool I was to think he was single (though, on that dating site he said he was - I guess he just never bothered/forgot to change it).

Where does my bad luck come from? I pursue one person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're taken. Another person, and they're not interested except as friends. And him: taken, single, taken, maybe (hopefully) single? But I don't know how to handle this - as if I have much time to care, what with finals coming up in 2-3 weeks. After finals, then I'll see what the situation is then. Perhaps then he'll be less busy, and we may actually meet in person?
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III.

I spent a bunch of time organizing the school sites for the 2 groups I'm president/co-president for. In a few hours, I've pretty much got things how I want them.

I created a banner for the LGBTPM site. I didn't like the sheer rainbow-ness of many of the pictures. So instead I decided to create a collage of sorts, with each letter being its own color. Unfortunately, green was pretty difficult to come by. But I think I got something that works:

(click to enlarge)

"L" for the orange smiley faces. "G" for the "yellow" pair of hands washing. "B" for the world and tolerance (my substitute for green). "T" for the purplish transgender symbol. "P" for people around a red heart. And "M" for medicine as symbolized by the stethoscope. Eh, it looks alright, right?
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IV.

When my roommate came back earlier today, he convinced me to go watch Iron Man 2 with him instead of my original plan to study cardiovascular physiology. Good change in plans, lol. I thought it was a pretty decent sequel, once one realizes that sequels are almost never as good or better than the first movie. On its own, a pretty solid movie, in my opinion.

After that, we went "tie shopping" because I wanted some new ties. I'm rather sick of my 5 ties, 2 of which I rarely wear. But ties are more expensive than I thought. I mean, seriously, $50 a tie?! Even at half off that's a bit more than I'd be willing to pay. Bleh.

I guess I'll ask my brother when he goes to Hong Kong over the summer (actually, in a few days) to bring back some ties for me. I also want to buy 1-2 more dress shirts, but I'll wait a bit before doing that. Alas, because I don't have an iron, I must seek out these "wrinkle free" shirts.

Later, I made some bread pudding with raspberries and Bailey's (as a substitute for heavy cream). I was met with success. :-P Then my roommate and I had a "wine and cheese" moment, where we downed 2/3 of a bottle of Chardonnay while eating Muenster and Havarti cheese, as well as raspberries. I don't know why he wants to save the little remaining 1/3 for tomorrow, but whatever.

And now our internet is broken. BLARG!! Right now we're bumming off someone else's internet. Their fault for leaving their network unsecured, lol. My roommate called customer service, and as expected, they were no help; also, no one would be able to come by and take a look until Wednesday. So if I'm not online (much) in the next 2-3 days, you'll know why.

Mask of Medicine

It's curious that I've been talking about my adventures in med school a lot recently (most of my posts since August), and yet I've failed to explicitly discuss the Mask of Medicine that practically all med students, residents, and doctors wear. Unlike my other Masks, this Mask has some physical manifestations as a white coat, scrubs, and/or stethoscope.

This is a Mask that trumps all other Masks. When it's worn, next to nothing else matters. Time melts away, personal dramas are set aside, and you push through drowsiness and exhaustion - all that matters is that person in front of you. To say, "How can I help you?" or "What brings you in today?" and have a total stranger tell you some of his most intimate details of his life, to place his trust in you, how can you even dare think about anything else but that person in that very moment? All you care about, all you should care about, is helping that person the best you can. And when you do your best and you know that, you feel a distinct sense of achievement.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best med student in the class, book-wise. Heck, even with a 95% on one of my last exams I was still below average (or that my 82% on another exam is below the average of 89%)!! Nothing stings more than knowing that, though you've passed and actually did quite well, many many more students did better yet. But medicine is so much more than book smarts, so much more than memorizing pathways and facts. And so far I've taken consolation in that.

There are students who fail so badly at medical interviewing that you pray they decide to go into radiology or pathology, where they never have to see patients face-to-face (or at least, not much). There are students who desire to do the least amount of work possible and aim for the "lowest tier" of medicine. And there are many who scoff at evidence-based medicine (EBM) - who scoff at epidemiological study designs, biostatistics, and valuable critical thinking and analytical skills. I have a friend who feels he'll be too busy to read medical literature when he becomes a practicing doctor, saying he'll only read the abstract and the conclusions of the studies and base his judgments on that; I worry for his future patients.

And then I realize that at the heart of the Mask of Medicine is an extension and amplification of the Mask of Caring. My roommate accuses me of "thinking too much" about medicine, about the issues that we may face in the future in clinical care (then again, he's just a bum). That I think about how I can better improve how I interact with patients; about how the ability to read, interpret, and critically evaluate medical literature is more important than any amount of biochem learned throughout a single semester; about how important cultural awareness is when dealing with a population as diverse as the US; about how "unfriendly" most medical practices are to LGBT persons (mostly unintentional); and about how we can all personally improve how we conduct care - perhaps I do think too much . . . perhaps I do care too much. I'm not saying I'm the best med student to grace the clinics - far from it. If there's anything this Masks shows me, it's that I've a long long way to improve in all respects.

The Mask of Medicine is all-consuming, it often dominates the majority of my days. Medicine, as preached to me by every physician I've spoken to candidly, is more than a job. The doctors who treat medicine as "just a job" are not good doctors and are rarely happy being doctors. This Mask is an exhausting one, but often also a rewarding one.

---TANGENT---
Last night I watched a gay-themed movie called Eating Out 3. It's a rather silly film - a bit over-the-top, but also hilarious and had some pretty hot scenes. Interestingly, all 6 of the main male characters are gay, and read an interview with them here. One of the main characters, played by Chris Salvatore, is simply gorgeous:

He's also a singer/songwriter with his own myspace and YouTube pages. I listened to some of the songs at those 2 sites, and actually liked some of them. So head over and listen to some tunes. And watch the movie if you're feeling up for a laugh and maybe a couple "awww" moments.
---END TANGENT---

Visiting Friend

Saturday morning I drove to Chicago starting at around 8am. I avoided traffic and rush hour for the most part, only hitting the very tail end for about 15-20 minutes. I got there around 10am or so. My friend from out-of-town (SR-F) was staying downtown with a mutual friend (SN-F) who's an M2 at Northwestern's med school in downtown Chicago.

I arrive and was fortuitous enough to find street parking, as the parking structures were really expensive. Heck, the street parking was expensive at $2/hour! Because my GPS is stupid sometimes, I walked a block down looking for the apartment on the right side of the street. When I walked back to my car I found out that I literally parked in front of the front door to the apartment. *facepalms*

SN-F was on rounds with the dermatologists (she's gunning for dermatology) so we waited in her apartment for her to finish. Her apartment had 45 floors, I had never seen so many buttons in an elevator! SR-F took a picture of them because she hadn't seen so many either. SN-F was running behind schedule so she told us to go eat brunch without her. She recommended a great local place called West Egg that serves breakfast and lunch. It was really good! When we finished eating, SN-F still hadn't finished rounds. We waited for a few minutes before deciding to head back to her apartment. She had finished by the time we returned, so she was there to greet us.

We chatted for a bit, catching up, then SN-F took us on a quick 30-minute tour of the Northwestern med campus. All I have to say is, wow. All the hospitals looked and felt like fancy hotels. The lobbies were huge with receptionists and all! There were escalators up to second and third floors and it was all just so pretty - I couldn't believe this was a hospital system. Also, all the buildings are connected on the 2nd floor via glass skywalks. We didn't even see doctors in white coats or scrubs. SN-F responded that you'd only see them in the higher floors. It was a great campus situated in a nice downtown area.

SR-F and I left Chicago around 3pm and thankfully didn't hit much traffic on our way out of the city. When we returned to my place, I gave her a quick tour of my med school - the anatomy labs, the library, and the route we take to hospital cafeteria (because it goes through 2 hospitals). We then chilled at my apartment for maybe half an hour then walked to a local pub/restaurant for dinner. The rest of the night was rather uneventful, just catching up mostly.

The next morning we made pancakes. :-D Then with my roommate we went to see Where the Wild Things Are. I thought it was a great movie and a pretty psychological one, as the monsters (or whatever they are) paralleled Max's imagination and how the progression showed how Max's mind worked out some of the problems in his life and how it gave him a perspective other than his own. It was a surprisingly and refreshingly intellectual movie, if one chose to watch it as such. I think the critics who were talking smack about the movie were talking out of their asses.

After the movie my roommate left to go eat somewhere on his own while SR-F and I got a quick lunch before I drove her back. I drove her to a Metra train station that went directly to Union Station rather than driving all the way into downtown Chicago again. Good thing she made it to Union Station on time and that her MegaBus out of Chicago was also more or less on time.

All in all it was a pretty relaxed and fun weekend. LOTS of driving on my part, way more than I'd like. I rather dislike long-distance driving - it exhausts me. At least the weather was really nice for most of the weekend. But now it's all gray, cloudy, and rainy again. Ugh.

---TANGENT---
I was talking to my brother who just had his first (I think) med school interview on Friday back at my alma mater. He said it went pretty well, which is cool. I'd just like to share one thing.

He had 3 interviews with 3 physicians, 2 of them faculty physicians I think. One of them was a radiation oncologist. My brother mentioned in some form that he likes origami. The radiation oncologist asked him to make something for her. So my brother made an origami strawberry as he asked her why she decided to go into radiation oncology. By the time she finished he had also finished making the origami strawberry.

I wish I made origami during my med school interviews, lol.
---END TANGENT---

All Shall Be Well

They say smell is one of the most ancient and primal senses. A scent can recall memory forgotten by the other 4 senses. In its own way, smells remind me that things will be okay, that all shall be well.

A while ago while leaving a friend's apartment, there was this scent in the hallway. A memory long forgotten resurfaced. I was 3 or 4, in the old apartment my family used to live in. There was a long hallway. One end opened up into the living room and a nook area where my grandma kept her plants. I used to walk around that area amongst the small trees, pretending I was exploring a forest or some exotic jungle. I remember these ceramic bird figures, there was a blue one and a pink one, in the soil. Sometimes I would clean them and replace them back, after playing with them for a bit. My grandma got annoyed at this.

The other end opened up to a long dining room and a kitchen. There was a long table in the dining room with many chairs, probably capable of seating 8 to 12 people. I would crawl under the chairs as if they formed tunnels. There were 3 bedrooms. One next to the kitchen that my uncle and aunt took, one in the long hallway near the living room that my parents took (and I as well), and one on the other side of the kitchen that my grandparents took. There was one small bathroom in the hallway. I can still vaguely remember the blue floor tiling if I tried.

I remember my small pink blanket with my name sewn in one of the corners. I always chewed/sucked on an opposing corner. I was told I couldn't sleep unless I orientated the blanket such that I could suck on that particular corner. Where that blanket is now I do not know, but I believe it's been absorbed into a quilt somewhere.

While driving home from seeing my friend today, I rolled down the windows as I entered my hometown off the freeway. There was this smell, of the surrounding trees and grass. And I knew, even if I ignored all my other senses, that I was home. It was familiar, it was warm, it was home. It's been my home for the last 17 years or so. It made me smile. And now I'll backtrack a bit.

Earlier today I went to go visit my friend, RZ-F, who just came back from China about 2 days ago. She's staying with her cousin (who lives in a city about 30-45 minutes away) until tomorrow, at which point she'll be heading back to her med school. SR-F was back on campus, where we all did our undergrad, for orientation for her pharmacy rotation, which starts on Monday. So she joined us for a movie and dinner. We watched The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was a funny movie, better than I had expected. I don't usually watch romantic comedies. I must say, the one scene where Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds were nude (no frontal, alas) was HOT. Ryan Reynolds being hotter than Sandra Bullock. >.>

Afterwards, after SR-F had to return home early, RZ-F and I talked . . . about med school and the future after that. We talked about what we wanted to do after residency and where we wanted to end up. It was good to talk to someone and work out some of my thoughts. We both agreed that times are truly rough for primary care physicians. In fact, I was listening to the radio and someone said that many primary care physicians are leaving my state because so many people are uninsured (due to the downfall of the Big Three). These doctors are barely surviving off Medicaid/Medicare, and they were going into debt because of it. Primary care physicians are actually quite poor, when all things (such as malpractice insurance, clinic office upkeep, and med school loans) are accounted for.

Too bad primary care is what I'm most likely doing (because pediatrics counts as primary care). However, I think I'll continue on with a fellowship in either medical genetics or endocrinology immediately after residency, so I have a specialty in something and it won't be so bad. Medical genetics is rather obscure, but it's fascinating and is becoming more useful/important (thank God for the Human Genome Project and the HapMap, lol). But throughout all our conversation, I've reached upon a conclusion that I've always known. I will be okay. I will survive. I can still have all I want. Some of it might take a while, but that's fine. I'm doing what in the end will make me happy - maybe not on a day-to-day basis, but in the grand scheme of things. I know my limits pretty well, I know my capabilities pretty well, and I know my study habits. Med school won't be so bad. Residency might be hell, but I'll just bear and grin it. Delayed gratification, it's a bitch.

On my way back home, I felt a small smile creep along the side of my face. In the end, all shall be well. :)

Trivialities

I'd say it's been the longest week ever (even though the week's not done yet, fuck), but that's almost certainly going to be superseded by an even longer-seeming week in my future. So a quick run-down:

Tuesday = longest. day. ever. The vast majority of this post is about Tuesday. I was basically busy from 8:30am until 8:30pm and didn't get back to my apartment until 11pm. T.T I had to teach my discussion during Obama's inauguration speech (I did watch it later, however) and was mildly surprised that maybe 1/3 of the class showed up. Bayes' Theorem is not an easy topic to teach. I spent over an hour last night typing up a notes file to distribute to my students, to walk them through how to use Bayes' Theorem step-by-step.

One of my students emailed me asking for the solution to one of the quiz questions he had to take before lecture on Tuesday. I saw this question and basically went, "Wtf." I enlisted the help of AG-F, my genetic counseling friend. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I really need to get myself a genetic counselor on retainer. She solved it because it was the EXACT same question that was given to her class - a grad-level class. Poor undergrad guy, no wonder he couldn't figure it out.

For one of my classes, we had to watch the documentary "In the Family" which is about BRCA1 mutations that greatly predispose women to breast cancer and ovarian cancer. It was a pretty intense film. I could totally sympathize with the one woman who said that getting her ovaries removed was akin to a guy getting his balls removed. Removing ovaries = instant menopause, not a pleasant thing. Mildly better than death from cancer.

As I was walking with AG-F back to her apartment (so she could give me a ride to mine), we got talking about abortion and how both pro-life and pro-choice are retardedly wrong in some respects. I won't get into it here, a later post perhaps.

I hate biostatistics. I cannot emphasize my extreme hatred for that subject. The professor talks in theory and then expects us to apply the theory to solve concrete problems. I don't know how to apply the derivations he writes. Plus his handwriting is horrible. Plus all I hear are meaningless variables all lecture and scratch my head at their meaning.

I haven't gone to the gym all week. The cold freezes my will to go to the gym. I've been feeling pretty lazy and unmotivated. This isn't good, because what follows unmotivation is exhaustion, then a twinge of sadness, then loneliness, then despair. Then oddly the cycle resets itself and I'm suddenly motivated, energetic, and ready to bring on the day. It's usually not as bad as it sounds.

I think I'm becoming borderline anorexic throughout the day (aka, for breakfast and lunch) because I simply don't have time to eat nor do I have the time (and backpack space) to pack a larger lunch. I also hate to eat out alone. I basically only eat out with friends because eating out alone is costly, relatively unhealthy, and kind of depressing. Dinner is my main meal of the day, which I know it shouldn't be if I wish to lose weight. Blah.

Anyway, BEST CONDOM COMMERCIAL EVER!!!

A Jewel

I've been mulling over a particular thought the last few days. To those who I talk to online and have been absent the last couple days, I apologize. I will frame this thought in this post and then follow-up on it in my next post.

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The title of this post is from the 5th scene of my friend JR-M's 30-minute movie. The main character, Jeremiah, goes to a church to talk to a priest. An excerpt of the scene is as follows:

Jeremiah: Think it's possible for one man to change the world, Father?

Priest: The world?! Oh, heavens, that's an awfully big piece of pie. But I think a man can find his jewel.

Jeremiah: His jewel?

Priest: You see, I think of us all as empty rings, or pendants. Each one of us is searching for that one thing that we can do to make ourselves, and our place in this world, complete. And when he sees it, it will be as brilliant as heaven itself.
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And so I ask myself, and you, what is my (your) jewel? Who, or what, are you going to devote yourself to?

JR-M also included in the insert to his DVD the following pic:
Cryptic words with no punctuation. It's difficult to say what is truly meant by these words. However, I'd like to interpret the phrase as the following:

"In shackles we have awaited yet torn asunder. We're born to light and new worlds, ye great minds of true men . . ."

If my interpretation is correct (and if I accurately know a thing or two about my friend), the above probably means something to the effect that many of us somehow feel stifled or suppressed by some unseen force. It wears us down, it literally chains us. But we all have a chance to do something, to shape this world. All that lacks is the mind, and the will.

What do you think?

---TANGENT---
I'm mildly annoyed that I got a B+ in Intro to Epidemiology. The class wasn't even hard or anything, but that final (posted briefly here) was ridiculous! I bet it single-handedly brought down my grade from an A/A- borderline.

The one grade I AM pissed about is Pathophysiology. As I've said before, I freaking loved this class. I did really well on the first 2 exams. I didn't do nearly as well on this last exam, but then again I studied for less than 24 hours and still got a B on that exam. However, that B dragged my overall grade down to an A-. BUT! When I calculated my grade average, it should've been in the "A range." I'm fighting for that A for the mere principle that I deserved that grade. Apparently, the difference between an A and A- in grad school is bigger than in undergrad (my grad school is on an 8.000-scale that I have yet to figure out).
---END TANGENT---

I went Clubbing!

Okay, so this is a pseudo-tipsy post. I really should be full-blown drunk now, seeing as I had 5 shots of vodka, a long island, an apple martini, and a kamikaze (and maybe 1 more drink . . .), but I'm only mildly tipsy. Might be from all the dancing. Though I am partly deaf from the loud music - I hope/sure it's temporary.

Anyway, today. I went to lunch with SR-F and RZ-F for lunch at a local Indian restaurant that had a buffet-style lunch. I ate too much. Then SR-F, RZ-F, CM-F, and I watched the movie The Changeling. It was a really good movie, definitely worth a watch. Unfortunately it was a really sad movie and I can pretty much only watch it once in my life.

When we finished the movie, we went back to SR-F's apartment briefly. SR-F got ready for orchestra rehearsal whereas RZ-F, CM-F, and I went to pick up SM-M, an Indian friend of RZ-F's. People call him "Surge" so I'll call him that here. The 4 of us went to Olive Garden for dinner where we waited for over an hour to get seated. I got so full so quickly as I was still full from lunch. So I have the majority of my entree boxed.

After that the 4 of us went back to our separate apartments to change and just rest for an hour. I really didn't want to go, as my stomach was still so damn full. But RZ-F convinced me to go. At about 10pm we went to Surge's apartment to drink before going to club. I had my 5 shots of vodka there. If I weren't so full from lunch and dinner I might've drank more. Then we went to a local club. I hadn't been to a club since my freshman year of college. I didn't like it much then because, while I like salsa music, I can't keep up with it and my friend (partner) wasn't on the beat. She wasn't even sycopating! Yeah, I'm a music person so I must somehow find the beat and keep to it. It just didn't work then.

Anyway, we went to the club. I didn't expect to like it. I actually had quite a bit of fun, as evident by my smile pretty much the entire duration of the 3+ or so hours on the dance floor. I danced only with CM-F, which although I would've liked to dance with RZ-F at least once, I wasn't disappointed in. For the record, I had no idea what I was doing. So I just let CM-F take the lead. So there were 4 of us - 2 girls and 2 guys - CM-F and RZ-F, and Surge and I. The club wasn't very crowded, which was good (for me). We got our other drinks there. I didn't actually know I was tipsy until I left at what would've been close to 3am if not for daylight saving's time.

CM-F and RZ-F had to pee a lot, lol. Silly women and their smaller bladders. But it was fun. I figured out pretty quickly how to follow CM-F as she was dancing and just tried to keep up with her. At least she could feel the beat. I was pretty close (physically) to her the entire night - I haven't touched a person that closely in a LONG time (or maybe ever). She ran her hands through my hair a few times and put her hand on my chest every now and then - note, those felt really good. After a while, the way she was dancing and grinding me almost gave me a hard-on, so I had to fight that for a few minutes. That would've been awkward, particularly in the jeans I was wearing. Thankfully the alcohol also helped to suppress my hard-on a bit too.

So for my "first time" I was told I was pretty good. Not sure how much of that I trust, but I'll take the compliment for now. :D Note, it was really good to hold/feel a person that close and just feel them move against you. Despite the fact that CM-F has a boyfriend that she's been going out with since I've know her (which is at least 4 years now). It was still a good experience and I didn't feel like a complete retard while dancing. But maybe that's the alcohol talking.

The Stars are Aligning

According to my parents, the stars seem to be aligning for me (I think they're still more than a bit crooked, but whatever). I think it's mostly coincidence.

My mom's like, "It'd be good for you to go to Chicago with your grandparents for a week, as you have nothing to do at home." Then I get my MCW offer right before I leave. The wife of the doctor I shadowed last May called my grandma and asked about me the day after I got that offer. And then news spread to all corners of my family within a day. Things sometimes tend to happen like this for me, when everything - good or bad - is clustered within the timespan of a few days. But again, I think this is all quite coincidental.

Now, I'll know the stars and planets have aligned for me when I get into med school for this coming fall, I somehow get a girl-/boyfriend, and I lose 20 lbs. All events not likely until probably at least September.

Didn't do much today, I wish people did more fireworks and such. Saw the movie Hancock with my brothers. It was good! I liked it and it was quite entertaining. Not what I'd call an artistic masterpiece or anything, but well worth watching. Movies I still want to watch (hopefully this summer): Wall-e, Wanted, Get Smart, and when it comes out, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (I don't care if it turns out to be lame, I still want to watch it).

I'll be in Chicago from July 5th until July 12th. Although I'll have my laptop with me - so I can contact the director of admissions at MCW about the details of his offer - I probably won't post until I get back. So until then, happy July 4th!!

Halcyon Days

This post is actually kind of two posts merged into one - I meant to write one yesterday but never got to it . . .
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From the moment I left my apartment, I knew it was going to be a good day. As I stepped out from the stairwell into the open sun, I could feel its warmth basking my skin. It was still a bit cool out - in the mid-60s Fahrenheit - but I was excited that the days were finally getting warmer. I walked towards the diag, the central heart of campus.

I feel the spring days slowly rolling into summer. Everywhere people were out, but the density had dwindled significantly compared to the academic year. As I walked closer to the diag, I could feel the pulse of a campus still very much alive, content on living out the next few months in a lazy dream.

People sat at nearly every bench or on blankets on the grass. I walk under the shade of the trees for but a moment, and yet I could still perceive the cool shadows on my skin - still a bit too cool for me to actively seek its company. I close my eyes for a moment and I could smell the green grass, the maples and pines, the sunbaked concrete, the distance fragrance of flowers. I could feel the gentle breeze flow by me, brushing across the small hairs on my arms, encompassing parts of my fingers while leaving other parts of my hand untouched. It's as if the wind were trying to hold my hands as it moved by, as if trying to put a secret message in my hands.

I reach an unoccupied concrete bench. I could feel the warmth left by the sun on the concrete as I sat down. I could once again feel the sun's embrace once again as it beamed down from a sky with few clouds. I put down my backpack, took out a book, and began to read. Occasionally I would see a family with young children pass by. Sometimes they stopped at the fountain a little ways in front of me, playing by the sides. At one point two dads jogged by and talking, their toddler sons half-asleep in their strollers. Every now and then I would see a couple kissing, holding hands, and though normally I would feel lonely at this sight, I did not mind it much today. Nothing was going to get between me and my book. I welcomed the solitude.

Hours passed, I could feel the sun wanting to set. It was time for dinner anyway.
-----
The above was an attempt at prose-like writing, just something different to describe how I felt. Whether or not I achieved that depends on the reader.

Anyway, my Sunday was quite amusing. First I went to do laundry. Now, this in itself isn't remarkable. But first some quick background: my apartment uses laundry card keys rather than being coin operated or whatnot. I had $3 on my card, and I needed $4.50 to do 2 washes and 1 drying. So I debated whether or not to just wash and dry half my laundry, or wash half my laundry while hand-washing the other half and then drying both, or just washing both and air-drying all. I decided to take the last option. I took every cloth hanger I had and hung my wet shirts and jeans on them. I found a length of twine in my drawer, with which I made a drying line by tying one end on the frame of our bunk bed and the other to inside my closet. I was successful! I had my socks arranged in a neat ring on the sides of my laundry basket, and my towel occupied its own rack in the bathroom. Only time would tell . . . and now more than half a day later, I can say most of my clothes are dry (but it's way too late at night for me to fold them). So that was my silly laundry idea. Hey, if my parents could air-dry all their laundry back in their day, surely I can survive one day without a dryer.

By now it was about 1:30pm. I still hadn't eaten anything all day. I didn't feel as hungry as I probably should've been. I debated making eggs and toast, then French toast, then pancakes, then biscuits with nutella (except I don't have any nutella), and then to brownies (didn't have any brownie mix either - and I wasn't actually considering that an option). I kept going back and forth on these ideas. Finally I just decided to go out to a sandwich place to get a sandwich and a malt. That was a strong call.

I read some more outside somewhere on campus. I relocated myself a couple times as there are some very large bees residing in the area. It makes me nervous when they constantly fly near me for more than a few minutes. About an hour later, I get a call from SC-F asking to play baseball. I readily agreed, and 10-15 minutes later I was ready to go. I met her, JW-M and their friends for a game of baseball. Bear in mind I haven't touched a baseball glove nor a bat in just over 6 years. I didn't even have a glove of my own and had to borrow one of theirs. That didn't work out optimally as I'm left-handed and the only left-handed person there. That felt awkward . . . But all things considered, I did pretty well.

I ran/walked along the railroad tracks partway back to my apartment. There were "No trespassing" signs everywhere with severe warnings - I kept kind of thinking someone would shoot me. But I got back in one piece and rehearsed trio music with SR-F (violinist) and EA-F (violist). My apartment's rather dim, so I turned on several lights including some Christmas lights I had been too lazy to take down. I have a special place in my heart for Christmas lights.

Later, we went to go see the new Indiana Jones movie. It was alright, it was certainly different from the previous movies in many ways. But in some ways, it was exactly the same. Also something else I noticed: when did Shia LaBeouf become cute or - dare I say it - even kind of hot? My fellow blogger at Minding the Heart maintains it was Tranformers when he became attractive. Whatever the reason, I'm just a bit envious how he turned from that once-dorky/nerdy kid into someone quite attractive. Sometimes I wish I could undergo such a transformation with as much grace.

All in all, it was a pretty good and relaxing weekend. Though I still have laundry to fold . . . I'll do that in the morning. And I didn't finish my book, though I've only about 25 pages left to go. Yet another thing to finish tomorrow morning.

Just Another Day

It was Valentine's Day? What? Lol, it felt like just another day. Though I must admit - for as long as this week has been, for as long as this day has been - it hasn't been that bad.

In Chinese class today, we watched part of a Chinese movie called “天下无贼” which translates to "A World Without Thieves." Apparently it's the Chinese version of "The Italian Job," but the two movies are not similar at all - except for them both being about thieves. Now I really want to see the rest of this movie.

I went to my next class, Great Books of China discussion. We talked about Zhuangzi's philosophy of life and death - but particularly death. Haha. After class, I was accosted in the halls by the Valentine's Day ninjas - people dressed in pink sweatshirts and sweatpants with ninja hoods who gave out candy to random strangers. It was amusing, to say the least. I know not what university group they're affiliated with, but they have my support.

But by far, lunch was the highlight of my day. I was finally able to attend SBS (Society of Biology Students) for the first time this semester! Okay, I know it sounds incredibly dorky, but first hear me out. There was free pizza. Who can say no to free pizza?! And the speaker was this amazing EEB (Ecology & Evolutionary Biology) professor. His topic: the evolution of sex.

He was a very entertaining speaker. I now wish I was able to take on of his courses (particularly Bio 116: The Biology of Sex). Grr, graduating. Anyway, he talked about how people choose mates who have a MHC (multi-histocompatibility) complex that's different than theirs. Basically, people tend to choose mates whose immune systems are most different than theirs. This is correlated with natural male and female body odors as well as the symmetry of men's faces.

He then moved on to the mystique of the female orgasm. These 2 guys had to go to class and when the professor mentioned the female orgasm, they were clearly torn. Admittedly, I would've been torn too. Apparently, about 29% of American women ever get orgasms from vaginal sex, although over 95% of these women are able to attain orgasm when masturbating. That's somewhat telling. And we went through all these theories as to how the female orgasm may have evolved or been adaptive. So apparently in some non-human primates, the males suck so bad at vaginal sex that the females "get off" only by stimulating each other. Facultative lesbian primates? Hmm.

Lastly, someone asked him about homosexuality. What he said isn't too far off from what I know/believe. Of course there are genetic and factors in the womb. According to some statistic, if one fraternal twin is gay, there's a 25% chance that the other's gay too. And among identical twins, that probability increases to 50%. This clearly suggests that there's a genetic component to homosexuality, and some studies suggest that certain hormone changes in the womb at the right time can influence the sexuality of the fetus. But even with those numbers, it's also clear that there are external post-gestation factors such as socio-cultural aspects. Lastly, I also appreciated how he said that sexuality is obviously not determined by a single gene, because that's too simple, and that sexuality is multigenic (aka, affected by many genes). Oh yeah, and he bashed Huckabee as a moron. His reaction was priceless.

The rest of my day was a blur, of sorts. I went to research, did what I had to do, and then went to work. At work, I helped people understand genetics. I'm somewhat impressed that people showed up at all, but hey, their genetics exam is next Monday - so studying trumps Valentine's Day. For the second week in a row, I actually felt productive and useful. Hurray!

Now, for some amusement/humor:
http://xkcd.com/382/

This Wang Leehom song has been stuck in my head lately.

Mask of Faith

I was not raised in a religious house, and the closest thing to religion was to live according to a rather Asian philosophy - to be concerned about this life and living a "good life" and how to achieve that life. The key was always education, as that opened the doors to everything and my parents have emphasized that like no other.

This is not to say that religion is foreign to me. My cello teacher was Lutheran, and we had recitals and concerts at the churches she belonged to. I also played for her church a few times for their Sunday morning service. When I went to Hong Kong in 5th grade, my mom and one of my brothers (and I) went to the grave of some family member I didn't know and prayed/paid our respects in the Chinese-Buddhist (not to be confused with Indian Buddhism) way. We also went to a monastery place in Hong Kong, and that was actually really cool. In my second semester at the university I'm attending, I had a class where we had to read parts of the Bible (as a piece of literature, not as a religious text) - that produced some very . . . interesting conversations between the Christians and the Jews in my discussion (I never want to experience that again). And towards the end of that class, I attended a Catholic mass with a devout Catholic friend of mine. I was amused that they read a passage from Matthew that I had to read for my class a few days prior. I also have some Jewish friends and celebrated a few Jewish holidays with them (mostly out of curiosity).

In all of those instances, the closest thing I've felt to God or anything Divine was in the monastery place. I've never really liked to discuss my beliefs and the topic of religion, as there's a lot of closed-mindedness there. But under this "Mask of Faith," suffice to say I don't belong to any one religion or world philosophy, but I have developed my own beliefs. And where did I find my beliefs? In my major - biology. It's interesting how many people either see science as an antithesis to religion or otherwise a way to disprove religion, but I disagree. I am more in concordance with Einstein and his beliefs on science and God.

There's also a line from Dan Brown's book Angels & Demons that I particularly liked (it's actually on my facebook profile). The line goes: "Science tells me God must exist. My mind tells me I will never understand God. And my heart tells me I am not meant to." It's such an elegant quote, so simple and true (for me).

So then, where do I "find God?" Or rather, as I'll call it, "the Divine." I'd have to say, in a leaf. Has anyone actually taken the time to look at a leaf, I mean, really look at it? (I'm talking about an archetypal leaf.) To notice how the top side is often darker than the underside, how there are veins running through it like veins under your skin, to see the patterns making up each leaf and iterated to all leaves of the same tree/plant. To see a world of complexity in something so "simple" as a leaf. And with some knowledge of how a leaf works - how chlorophyll works with a single atom of magnesium that literally resonates when struck by electrons that're powered by photons of light, like sound waves of an instrument, how photosynthesis turns carbon dioxide into oxygen and creates starch - how can one NOT be impressed by something so simple containing such complex mechanisms? And that's barely scratching the surface.

Here then, is a leaf. A massive collection of atoms and molecules that somehow knows what to do, something composed of non-living particles that acts with so much life. In the same sense, the regulation of DNA is equally amazing. How DNA fixes and prevents errors and mutations so effectively, is something to be awed. Even something like evolution provides such a simple yet complex explanation. I believe that it was Einstein who said something like "Science is the mind of God." And I believe it truly is, and we're just unlocking that mind.

So then, what might the sum of my beliefs be? That everything is connected in an endless cycle of birth, growth, death, and recycling. That life, consciousness, after-life, whatnot, is also a part of that endless cycle. Do I believe in reincarnation? Maybe, I don't know. But I believe everything has a reason, a meaning, a purpose - though it might be beyond human comprehension. I believe that everything is simple, and everything is, at the same time, complex (think of the leaf).

Again, there is a quote that sums this all up fairly well. It's from the movie Latter Days (a decent movie), and it goes: "When I was a little kid, I used to put my face right up to them [the Sunday comics] . . . and I was just amazed because, it was just this mass of dots. I think life is like that, sometimes. But, I like to think that from God's perspective, life, everything, and even this, makes sense. It's not just dots; and instead we're all connected. And it's beautiful, and it's funny, and it's good. From this close we can't expect it to make sense, right now."

There is so much more that I could say, but they're not coming to mind at the moment. Perhaps I'll leave it at this, for now. It seems like a decent start. I'd also like to say that perhaps "God" is not what we think, and all the religions and beliefs of the world are merely "manifestations and ways" for the Divine to reach people. If there is "one true religion," then honestly, why do all the other ones exist?