Sunday, June 14, 2015

Found and Lost

I've become worse and worse about posting.  Sorry.  Residency has been busy and I've been too tired/lazy in what little free time I have to reflect.  But as I'm on vacation this week (and my original first and second plans fell through), here's Part 1 of several updates.  Without further ado, Part 1: Found and Lost.

So in my last post, I mentioned Pikachu.  We did end up going on a trip to the Big Sur area.  It was an amazing (albeit too short) trip.  I'm always stunned at how gorgeous the coastlines of this state are!  Here are some pics (from just the first day):

Big Sur coastline

Bixby Bridge

Valley View

Pfeiffer Beach (yes, parts of the sand are purple)

More stunning coastline!

And the iconic McWay Falls

We had a great time!  Yes, we did fool around a bit in bed at the hotel.  That was not planned but practically expected.  I won't elaborate much here, but suffice to say he's a passionate kisser and left me with a few hickies (which was a bit of a problem hiding behind my collar in clinic the following Monday, lol).  More than anything sexual though, it was just nice to lie next to someone and cuddle.  It's a wondrous thing, the sensation of touch.

Suffice to say, by the time we parted ways I had fallen for him.  But then an odd thing happened.  His work really picked up speed and he became very stressed out and distant (presumably from all the work he had to do).  We had gone from texting/Skyping almost every other day to just a couple times a week.  I continued to say "Hi" and "Good morning" almost every day for a while with a scarce reply.  I was beginning to wonder what was going on.

When we finally carved out some time to chat on Skype, I confessed that I really liked him in a way that I hadn't felt towards many other people before.  He took it as a compliment but didn't elaborate much more.  Later he would go on to say that long-distance never works out.  He was referencing a friend and her long-distance relationship, but I took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be (at least, not at this time).  The distance between us is about 2.5-3 hours' drive, and he categorically refuses to come to my part of the state.

And so perhaps that was it.  It almost felt like things evaporated away.  We still text and chat from time to time, but it's mostly me doing the initiating.  I feel the gulf of distance and at first it ate away at me.  Yeah, I still have feeling for him and I wonder if I were to match fellowship near him, would we have a chance?  Or would he find someone else in the intervening time?

I let my guard down.  I let a mask fall.  I let myself feel vulnerable.  And things didn't go as I had hoped.  I hate this feeling.  And what's worse is the feeling that I may very well end up alone anyway.  My 20s are quickly fading with each advancing day - is there any hope for this remaining time?  Or will I find what I seek in my early 30s?