Sunday, February 15, 2015

Happy Single's Awareness Day

Wow, it's been about a month and a half since I last posted!  I suppose a few things have happened in the interim . . .

So I guess the focus of this post will center on this guy.  I'll call him Pikachu because he likes Pokemon.  So I met Pikachu back at the end of December 2014.  We had chatted on/off for months on a dating/hook-up app (no, it's not Grindr) but since we lived about 3 hours away from each other, we never had the opportunity to meet until December.

Since then, we've been texting each other almost every day.  More recently over the past 2 weeks, we've been Skyping about every other day; sometimes it's only for 10-15 minutes but other times it's been over an hour.  I've got a vacation planned for the end of this month, and we're planning on spending 2-3 days together on a mini trip/hike of the Big Sur area.

I think I'm beginning to really like him.  It's been quite a while since I've thought that way about anyone.  I've chatted with both guys and girls on/off via online dating sites/apps for the past 2 years.  A few of them (mostly girls) have made it past that to texting.  But then it fizzles out when my schedule becomes busy.  They don't initiate conversation and I can't sustain it one-sided.  But with Pikachu, he texts me in the morning to say "Hi" or "Good morning."  Simple as that.  But it keeps things going.

I was feeling the Single's Awareness Day tonight, and I texted him if he wanted to Skype.  At some point during our conversation it came up that I was bi.  Although I'm like 95% sure I had mentioned that fact to him when we first messaged on the dating app, he must've forgotten.  But his reaction was predictable, understandable, and . . . unfortunate.  He was taken aback a bit and seemed unsure for a moment.  He explained that he didn't mean it but stated that "biphobia" does exist in the gay community.  He had dated a bi guy within the past several months and it didn't go well (it didn't get very far either).

This brought up all sorts of insecurities for me.  I wasn't expecting that.  I thought I had moved past that.  I guess not.  On a spectrum of 0 to 10, with 0 being 100% straight and 10 being 100% gay, I place myself somewhere between 7 and 8.  In general, I'm more physically/sexually attracted to guys (girls have a narrower range), but I'm more emotionally/intellectually attracted to girls.  Pikachu is the first guy in a long time - possibly ever - who I've felt a romanto-emotional connection to.  And a part of me feels just broken after his reaction to me clarifying that I'm bi.  And honestly, I'm not even sure how well that label applies to me anymore.

I'm not sure how to navigate these feelings.  No, that's not accurate - I don't know how to navigate these feelings.  It's easy for me to just box it up and store it away, but that's not what I should do.  It's easy for me to tell myself the same advice I offer my patients, but it doesn't feel easy to follow.  It could be just me, but I feel like the fact/label of being bi has changed the relationship dynamics in ways that can't be undone.

Sigh.  :-/


naturgesetz said...

This is almost like a coming out story where one party to the conversation says to the other, "I'm/You're still the same person I was/you were before this."

It can't be unsaid. But if you can keep the acquaintance/friendship going, it may be possible for him to see you again as a person rather than a label. The time at Big Sur should be very useful in that way.

And yeah, based on your self-description, I think the label bi may not really fit.

Anonymous said...

Look at this way. You basically told your love interest that you might not be that into him, BEFORE you really meet him and go on vacation with him.

Lets conduct a thought experiment, where Bill Clinton seduces you. Would he tell you those jeans make you look fat? No. Would he compare you to Asian stereotypes? No. Would he tell you that he would rather be with someone else, but you will do for now? No. He would tell you that your skin tone makes your eyes look warm and inviting. He would make lots of eye contact and listen to your hopes and dreams. He would run his fingers through your hair and tell you the world needs more service oriented people like you. He would take you to bed and make you feel special. During pillow talk he would read a selection from "The Blades of Grass," and relate the words to your life. Then he would gently remind you that he has other places to go and make plans with you for round 2, which may or may not happen. You would casually get dressed and make out a check to the Clinton Foundation before leaving.

There are parallels in love and politics, you can't be brutally honest and have long term success in either field. You will have lingering uncertainties perhaps forever, but certainly until you get more love experience (physically and emotionally).

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