Monday, September 27, 2010

Secrets & Fears

So I'm back from the GLMA Conference. I feel better though not 100%. Perhaps 60-70%, which is still much better than most of last week. This post will serve 2 purposes: to answer A Wandering Pom's questions in his comment on my last post and to prep you all when I do talk about the GLMA Conference in my next post.
1. Secrets & Fears
All you had to do is ask. Many of my secrets you all know pretty intimately. Many of my fears I've already shared here, as they're often related to the secrets.

That I'm bi/gay is no surprise here. But I don't know which (if either or somewhere in between) I am. I fear that, busy as I am, I won't get the opportunity to face that fear and answer it. And so I may be left to wander in confusion. I can't "attach" myself to a particular identity, or perhaps I won't allow myself to be.

That I've never had a romantic/sexual relationship also shouldn't be a surprise. Correspondingly I'm a virgin in every sense but oral sex. I fear that I'll always be alone in this regard - to never really know what it's like to cuddle/be cuddled, to kiss/be kissed, to feel someone else's body intimately (in a non-clinical way), to have sex.

I also fear that I may not be able to open up and let myself become vulnerable. I may not recognize love; I might not be able to truly loosen up and relax, not be able to completely trust someone. I fear that I can't let this go - can I ever let someone get that close? It goes against everything I've done in my life; there's always some defense, some wall, some checkpoint, some guard - usually with very good reasons. I'm afraid to even try, as every time before has been met by some barrier that I learn about the moment I get close enough.

I feel frozen, stuck in the routines of my life but not knowing which way to go, which direction to walk in. I feel life passing me by as I advance in a single straight line. I fear that perhaps 10 years from now, when I am a doctor, I'll look back and regret the things I didn't do . . . the things I wasn't able to do for any of the reasons above. I fear that perhaps I try so hard to validate something, to prove something to someone who isn't even there.

I want someone to pull me out of this and away from this.
2. "Prep"
So, GLMA is a largely medical organization. As such, most of the people there were med students, residents, and physicians (there were some nurses, social workers, advocates, etc). And to understand the nuances of what I may say in my next post, one should perhaps understand the hierarchy of medicine.

Med students
M1 - first year med student
M2 - second year med student
M3 - third year med student, aka "junior med student" (JMS)
M4 - fourth year med student, aka "senior med student" (SMS)

PGY1 - first year resident, aka "intern"
PGY2 - second year resident
PGY3 - third year resident (and so on)

So after med school, one moves on to residency. Most residencies are 3-5 years. The first year of residency is the intern year. After residency, one may specialize in something like "infectious diseases." When one does their specialty training, they become a Fellow. Many/most fellowships usually last 3 years. Finally, after that one becomes an Attending (if one goes into academic medicine).

I should come up with some name or key for all the people I met at the Conference, but that'll have to wait till later. I'm heading to bed now.


A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Aek

I guess those were the right questions after all - they seemed to unlock some answers, at least.

All you had to do is ask. Very true. But if you keep the mask on, we don't know that you want and need to be asked. I think I said last time that all we have to go on is what you tell us: in blog-land, there are none of the non-verbal clues that might tell how you're really feeling. Perhaps we should have thought a bit more about the title of your blog...

In any case, I don't think you need to wear a mask in blog-land; I've been wandering here for over six months, and the sense I have is that people here are accepted for what they are, not for what the feel they ought to be. If you start to feel answers struggling to be told, could you ask yourself the necessary questions, and give us those answers, unasked for?

About your sexuality: from what you've written, I think that my description would be "bi, with a preference for men". As far as I'm concerned, "bi" is a wide spectrum between two extremes - it doesn't mean that you have to be exactly in the middle. The Kinsey scale is often helpful for this - I guess you would be a 4 or a 5. But does this label really matter, in the end? It's a guide to who you want to go to bed with, but as long as you're turned on by whoever you're in love with, it doesn't matter what your nominal sexuality is, or their gender.

As for your other fears, I need to think some more before trying to comment. But I can say that you're not alone in enduring them - I could have written something very similar myself.



Just said...

Aek , all it take is one person... and the blow those walls down... that the funny thing about love...and no guarantee's but yeah just takes one ... I am hoping when your time is right you will find that one ... the one that treats you and love you for you....and they are patient with you! call me a romantic... but I hope it finds you... I know when you lease expecting it , it happens ... but as your fears they will accept you for you and everything about you! Wish you better luck than I ...

Anonymous said...

I like how on the left hand side of the page you have the blogs listed under what continent they are from. Good for organization. haha.

Im on here as well at and im your latest follower. :)


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I very much fear those things for you as well, Aek. You are very dear to me and many others, and we would also have you master your fears and quandaries and barriers.

As you and so many others have encouraged me, let me also encourage you with a thought...why wait and think? I'm sure you're realizing by now that, as long as something is in your head and "academic", nothing in real life will get done. I really like that you went out to meet that guy a while back. Let me encourage more such behavior. Each person you meet or are with, even if in a small way, teaches you more about yourself, and helps you figure out some of those things you are wondering about.

Well, those are my thoughts on the matter. *hugs*