Friday, September 3, 2010

I Blame the Wine

So, 2 days ago, we hosted an opening social for the LGBT group at a physician's house. Dr. P was there helping the physician set up and all. Kat and I arrived early to help out, though we didn't end up doing much. (Kat has been surprisingly upbeat these last couple weeks, I hope it stays that way.)

The turnout was actually really good, considering that pathology tutoring for M2s was the same night and the anatomy tutors moved the mock anatomy practical for M1s from Thursday to Tuesday this year (which sucked, since this meant that no M1s would be attending). Surprisingly, one M1 did make it! Our other faculty advisor came with her partner. I must say, they make a really attractive lesbian couple. o_O For a while, there were almost the same number of physicians as med students . . . awkward. But then more med students started filing in, which was good.

Halfway through the social, Kat wanted me to make an announcement to thank Dr. P and the physician whose house we were at. I drank some more wine. I'm no orator. I can be terribly awkward in such situations. I can be quite awkward in social situations, but I somehow managed to talk to almost everyone in attendance, which was no simple feat for me! Thankfully the wine helped. All 6-8 glasses of it (granted, the glasses were small-ish).

Also, I don't know if it's the wine or not (but I blame it anyway), but I had a mini-crush on Dr. P that night. o_O I mean, him + polo shirt + shorts = swoon (also, he's only in his mid- to late-30s). He has really nice arms and legs; well, he's just really nice overall. But, he has a partner, and it'd be a very bad idea to let this get any further considering our respective positions. Partway through the social, he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know this isn't politically correct, but are there any gay M1s or M2s?" I answered, "I honestly don't know because I didn't make it a policy to ask."

I must admit, it made me a tad uneasy. Every time he asks me a similar question, I feel like he's looking into me for answers or a confession or something. I've wanted to come out to him so badly, but I just can't seem to. How odd. I just want to chat with him about life and let myself vent and ask him for guidance, or something. But I don't think that's going to happen in the near future. What's holding me back?

When Kat and I left (we carpooled), we talked about Dr. P's whispered comment to me. There's a reason why there are so few openly LGBT students. If you come out, you are the gay student. You are the gay person that everyone looks to and you have to be the "model" gay med student. You become the reference. It's not a burden most would want to carry.
Anyway, my thoughts feel very disjointed. I'm beyond overwhelmed with things right now. Something just doesn't seem quite right inside at the moment. :-/


Mike said...

Dang! Missed opportunity! I have those. Maybe you'll have pent up frustrations one day and just let all of it out to Dr. P. Hmmm....

Stephen Chapman... said...

Being tagged as gay is annoying, but at least you're being noticed!

In reality, the tagging thing is probably bigger in our heads. I have been OUT at a couple of jobs and although you think you are being labelled as 'the gay one in the team' its as likely to be 'the short one in the team' or something else.

I'm not being all righteous as I am not out in my current job. Perhaps we have a target date to put that right as National Coming Out Day is on the 11th October!

Biki said...

You have seemed rather off kilter since you came back from vacation. Its like everything is crashing upon you at once and you are barely keeping your head above water. I think you need to take a wee bit of time and go back to when you felt ok, and work your way forward and see where it all started to feel off to you. Or you will see where at least that things started to get the better of you.

If you don't get a handle on whats bothering you soonish I'm afraid it's going to overwhelm you when you least need it, or expect it.

Hugs! and >< kissies!

Hishy said...

I'm the token gay guy (there's a lesbian too) in my grad program (albeit in a very liberal dept) and I think it's a good thing. Sometimes you have to be the token to demonstrate that you're not JUST a token. Once they realize that you can't be pigeonholed into a neat gay stereotypical category, they'll move on from that fact.

Anonymous said...

Half of our department is gay, so I don't know that I can compare. I was the only out guy in my school housing for a while. It was interesting, but I never felt any pressure or like I was the ONE. I agree with Stephen's comment.

On a different note, you should have come out and then asked him, "why, are you interested?" :D

Anonymous said...

I've been the token gay guy at every full time job I've had. Beats being the token closet case, which is the only alternative if you think about it.

Aaron said...

It's a tough decision - to be or not to be. I personally think that its not a black and white situation, and you can choose to be grey - choose a few people you trust to come out to if you want.

Having said that, I hope everything works out and you feel better.

Ron said...

Sorry to hear about that...

But in my med class there's me, 3 other guys and 1 girl whom are gay/lesbian.

All of us are pretty much out, and much of the class know -- maybe except for the girl because she's got her own small group of friends and she doesn't overly interact with the rest of the class overly much.

But yeah -- no one really requires any gay student to become some 'model' gay student where I am... But I guess if only ONE of us was out then perhaps.. I still don't know.

Most people in med here are pretty liberal about such things, I'm not completely sure what it's like in the U.S. for you..

Best of luck