Friday, September 14, 2007

A Gust of Wind, A Rustling of Leaves

So much has happened this week and it went by so fast like a gust of wind, but left me in its wake like the lingering rustling of leaves. Sometimes I'm a sucker for metaphors and similes, but whatever. I'm so glad no one I know knows about this blog (I think, if you're reading this and you know who I am in real life, please tell me!). Now, onto the three major events of the week.
1. Recording Studio
So I agreed to play the cello part for my friend, CM-M, who composed this film music score for our mutual friend, JR-M. The instruments involved were 1 cello, 1 viola, 1 piano, and a vocal part. Needless to say, CM-M did a great job of composing a film score that fits perfectly with JR-M's short film. As the violist described the music and the film, "It's very emo." And it really is, but it's well-done.

It was a great experience having this opportunity to record this composition in our university's newly renovated sound studio. Engineers sometimes have lots of fun, haha. And it was also a good chance to catch up with CM-M since I hadn't seen him in a long while. He has changed A LOT since I knew him in high school. First of all, he lost a lot of body fat, so he got slimmer and put on some muscle. I don't think he worked or really exercised much, so I think it's mostly natural (damn, I wish that happened to me, I always have to work at things). Needless to say, I have a tiny man-crush on him.

And the violist was AMAZING. Like, the viola is the most under-appreciated string instrument largely because it doesn't have very good parts in an orchestra, and also because there aren't many violists that play the instrument well. I never figured why there weren't a lot of good violists, but good violists make the instrument sound insanely awesome. So anyway, the violist (SL-F), was really good. She was originally a music and engineering double-major, but that proved to be too much of a time commitment so she dropped out of the music school. But she is still really really good. And she has a really bubbly and blunt personality that you need every once in a while. Love her personality and I'm thankful for getting to know her, if only for just a few days. Needless to say, I Facebook'd her after we were done recording.

2. Sexy Chinese Guy
So I got the chance to hang out with Sexy Chinese Guy (who I'll now call ES-M) after class yesterday. We finished Chinese and were done for the day, and I was going back to my apartment to get my cello before going to the recording studio. He was headed the same way as I was and we were taking the same bus.

As we were walking, he was like, "Let's speak in Chinese, because mine isn't so good." So we did, and that was cool. I need the practice anyway. And we were talking, and I was translating stuff from Chinese to English so he understood me, and he stopped by my apartment, and I got to know him a bit better. I secretly really liked his company (and I'm also thinking I'm letting my crush get out-of-hand). He's such a freshman though, haha; he doesn't know where a lot of things are, he was tentative about coming into my apartment for the 2 minutes it took me to get my cello, and he was very polite and such.

Yeah, that was one of my highlights of that day. We got separated on the bus as so many people boarded. Oh well. Later on Facebook, I discovered that he has a blog. Being the curious guy I am, I read it. He didn't have that many posts so it didn't take long to read. Some things I've learned. He's very Christian and is part of the Chinese Christian group on campus. So yeah, Chinese Christians tend to be really conservative about certain things . . . Well, that pretty much eliminated any chances (however remote to begin with) of "me and him." Sigh (I'm almost certain he's straight anyway). At least we can still be friends, I'll settle for that.

3. Coming Out to SR-F
After a cello audition for a student-run orchestra today, I went on a walk with SR-F. I had been wanting to "come out" to her since like mid-August, and the opportunity never presented itself. I had asked her to join me at the library several times, in hopes of isolating her long enough afterwards to come out. In the end, I just said I had something really important to tell her, and needed a couple hours for it. So we decided on Friday after auditions.

So for the entire week I oscillated between really wanting to tell her, and really wanting to back out. But now it was the "moment of truth." So we walked around campus and talked about random things. For 2 hours. I kept delaying the inevitable and she kept asking me to just tell her. But somehow, I just couldn't yet. So I kept trying to divert her attention and we kept walking until it just got really cold and windy all of sudden.

So we decided to go to the school of environment building, which is actually really nice inside. We sat in the empty lounge area and talked some more. Then I was like, "I must tell her, I just need to get this over with." It was also good that she prefaced everything by saying, "I'm not going to judge you, you know that. Unless you murder someone, then it's kind of hard to not judge you."

Well, with that I began to slowly tell my "secret." I began with all the crushes (on girls) I've had since freshman year. And how last year when I really could've had a relationship with RZ-F but chose not to because I wanted to up my GPA for med school, I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I needed to sort things out. And we gradually got closer and closer, and I got more and more nervous. I rarely made eye contact and I was occupying myself by repeatedly bending and straightening this magazine I took from a nearby end table. When the time came, when I should've just said the word, I for some reason couldn't. But she said it for me, and that was a small relief.

From there, I don't know. We just talked more, and how it could possibly be my senior year and there was so much I still wanted to do. And now that I've waited till senior year, I feel like I don't really have the time nor energy to go out and meet new people and develop a (long-term) relationship. To be honest, she kind of "knew" since I wrote a LiveJournal post in a stream-of-consciousness way to confuse/slow the reader down. But she was never "sure" until it came from my mouth.

We then decided it was getting a bit late, and we wanted to avoid the random custodians that walked around. So we went to get some bubble tea. Mmmm, bubble tea . . . Before she left for the night, she kept telling me how glad she was that I told her. I knew she'd say that actually, because I know her that well. Somehow, this whole series of events doesn't seem like a relief. It feels surreal somehow, and while she had to practically drag it out of me, it felt like it was going so fast. Like a gust of wind, haha. And it left me behind wondering and feeling kind of empty, only a reminder of what had just happened (the rustling of leaves).

And I can't help but think that something between us had changed; not for better or worse, just changed. There was no going back. Will she still see/think of me the same way? Will there be those awkward moments now? Will this somehow leak out (though I know she would never tell)? Well, honestly I'm not keeping this a super secret; if someone asked me "Are you bisexual" I'd answer with "Yes." But you'd have to ask me.
So that was my week, and now I'm insanely exhausted. I really need sleep, and many other things besides. Ugh, there's a football game tomorrow (we better not lose again). That'll suck away a sizable chunk of my weekend, time that I should perhaps utilize towards homework. And of course, the sad story of my life: every time I fall for someone, he/she is taken (by someone or something). One of these days, I will find someone who's just as alone as I am.


Matt-CNS said...

Good for you coming out to SR-F. You must feel a bit better now!

Mike said...

Congratulations on coming out!

Also glad to see you're not denying the fact if someone were to ask you, you'd say you're a bisexual etc. I think that's a big step. Bigger than I've taken.

Aek said...

To matt-cns: Eh, I don't really feel better. Then again, I don't feel worse either. Really it just feels like something's different between SR-F and me, but perhaps I'm just being delusional.

To mike: I've maintained the whole "If you ask me if I were bisexual I'd answer yes" thing since freshman year of college. Funnily, no one has ever "doubted" my sexuality to ask, so it never came up before. That actually doesn't feel like a big step, the bigger step is telling someone without the requisite asking.

To the world: I hate the term "coming out." It feels almost dirty somehow, but there's a lack of better terms, unfortunately. I hate how people feel like they have to "come out" instead of just being.