Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Finally!

Alright, enough bated breaths, I finally told him. I finally came out to JW-M. Why did it take me so long? Why are those words so hard to say? Especially when I know the outcome?

We went to the gym. I wanted to tell him on the way. I chickened out. We went back to his apartment after the gym. I wanted to him then. But I chickened out. Inside his apartment, I basically became his shadow for the better part of an hour, following him around not saying anything, working up my courage (or something).

Then as he left for work, I followed him down the stairs. No one was outside (thank God) and I just blurted it out, pretty much as one long run-on sentence: "Hey, that thing I wanted to tell you last week well I'm going to tell you now I think I'm bi."

He stopped partway down the stairs and was about to turn around, saying "Okay, I'm not going to work." I couldn't let him do that, so I protested. We reached the bottom of the stairs. He apologized for being "insensitive" as I had been following him around as his shadow for the better part of an hour (which is rather creepy, as I never do this). I asked him to wait 2 minutes as I went to my apartment and changed out of my gym clothes, then I'd walk with him to work and we could talk along the way.

I could feel the twinge of tears coming, but those were swiftly suppressed. Along the way to his work he asked how long I'd known. I said probably since freshman year of university, but also that I threw myself into my work and academics to get my mind off things - make myself as busy as possible (and I don't even have a med school acceptance to show for it, sigh). And it's true, I've been throwing myself at things, doing things, keeping my mind occupied and distracted, so I didn't have to think about such matters.

He was like, "And here I was thinking you were depressed because some girl moved away." Well, that was kind of true and I told him that. I also told him how confused and awkward I felt, and of course he understood - I knew he would. He said he didn't want to pry, though a part of me wish he did. He was like, "I know I can be a dick sometimes, but I'm your friend and you know that. I'm here." And of course he'd respect my privacy in this matter, as I was clearly not comfortable having this be general knowledge (unlike his roommate for the summer, bi SC-F).

The whole conversation - of which parts are now blurry in my memory - only lasted about 10 minutes before we diverged off-topic to something more "normal." In any case, it's good to have it out there to him. I think I'll write an email to him thanking him.

4 comments:

G said...

Good for you- awesome! A relief, yes? :-)

Mr. X said...

congratulations!!!
:)

Mike said...

YAY!!!
Congratulations!!!

Glad he's ok with it!

Anonymous Blogger said...

congratzzz, I love reading coming out stories, cause its inspiration for me to come out.