Friday, June 19, 2009

Pathetique

Beethoven's Piano Sonata Op. 13 No. 8 in C minor. Aka, "Pathetique." To think that such a piece would have such an influence on me. C minor even became one of my favorite keys after playing it. I didn't know then how well the piece would reflect me now.

When I first learned the piece, I didn't understand or appreciate the significance of C minor in Beethoven's pieces. C minor was typically Beethoven's chosen key to be "powerful and emotionally stormy." Thus, the first time I played the opening chords of the first movement I did not hear the approaching storm, but rather the vanishing sun - I did not hear the suffering, but the remnants of hope. I was instructed to feel the power and the storm: to feel the suffering and the pain of the piece. But how could I, when I hadn't really experienced anything that could be called "suffering" at that point in my life? What little I knew and could understand I channeled into that piece.

Here's an interpretation that's actually somewhat similar to mine:


So what is the point of this post? That I'm beginning to feel a little like how the piece is intended to be. That I feel a storm coming inside me - ironic how it's thunderstorming like crazy outside here right now. It's funny because when my path is "set," that's when I feel most stagnant and lost.

I just RSVP'd to AW-M's, my old roommate's, wedding in July. I RSVP'd to go single. This serves as a constant reminder that I'm getting older and have yet to be in any kind of actual romantic/sexual relationship. Heck, I'm still a virgin in many ways (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). I mean, it's just like, "Wow, I know people my age who are engaged and are getting married." I just feel a little depressed by all this. I'm not sure what I feel but it's like a kind of pressure over my chest.

I'm not sure what the cause is. Perhaps I'm too eclectic to be in a relationship. Perhaps I'm too picky. Perhaps I don't have a confident enough personality or attractive enough (and what muscle definition I had gained in the last 2-3 years is slowly fading, goddamnit). Perhaps I'm not ready. Perhaps I'm scared. I talk to some people online (not all are bloggers) and sometimes a part of me thinks, "Why are you so far away? Why can't I meet you in person? Why can't we be friends and/or something more?"

If I had one wish: I wish love would find me - that it'd fall right on my head. I wish someone would take the initiative with me because I'm not sure I know how or even that I can bring myself to right now. Right now, my blog and I are "pathetique."

I apologize for this rant/whine-fest.

13 comments:

J said...

i told u to keep checking your pockets i'm sure he's in here somewhere. if not in yours check your brothers

J said...

I learned the Pathetique in high school but never played it in recital. His second movements always seemed superior to the rest. Have you noticed how Beethoven's gift showed up in unusual places. Mozart composed only two piano concerti in minor keys. In the back of Schirmer's score for heartbreaking 20th in D minor there appears an agate line that reads, "Two cadenzas by L. van Beethoven". They are absolutely brilliant.
I notice you are going to med school. I chose law because I was certain that if I pursued music I would end up in a backwater piano bar playing As Time Goes By for drunks. Oh, the compromises we have to make in this life.

cvn70 said...

AEK

What is about people who went to law school commenting on your blog. lol I did listen to the piece last night and it was nice. Thanks for listening to me last night

And o guy i too would need a set of instructions on how to be with someone. ANd i hate wedding i have been an usher a dozen times

take care and be safe

bob

aron2631 said...

Such powerful emotions you share here. I wish you the courage and tenacity to stay in them and come through the other side. Because I have found that staying in the storm, wading into the raging river waters, is the way forward. The urge to run away and close the door is powerful. Be fearless. There is nothing "out there" to fear--it is all within you. The only way across the raging river is to cross it.

Aron

charlie said...

I think that we are all waiting for love to fall on us, but if everyone waits, nothing happens... I guess that the best way to find somone is to meet as many people as possible. Each time that I can I go to some friends parties and look around for people I don't know. So don't forget to look around, and open your eyes at the wedding party!

Concerning the rest, it's maybe not so strange that you feel a bit lost although the path is set. To know that you're kind of voluntarily stuck in this path without exactly knowing where it will end can be a bit worrying. We are all submitted to pressures, from our parents, from ourselves... and not only about the studies. It can be hard to deal with sometimes. I think that going forward without thinking too much is the best to do, but that's my character.

I hope that we will soon see an "allegro con fuoco" on your blog ;)

Aek said...

J-1: I seriously don't think anything's going to come of my pockets, much less my brothers'.

J-2: I've always been enamored by all 3 movements. The 2nd movement's difficult to play - there's a serenity there that I've yet to experience.

aron2631: Thanks. I wish I had the strength and determination I entered undergrad with. Some days, I'm struggling just to not get swept away. Quite a feat, really.

charlie: Thanks, I'll keep my eyes open. It's not that I don't know where this will all end - it's that I know too well how this ends. I know too well how little time I will have.

Personally, I hope that I see a "andante dolce." ;-)

j said...

not to be a massive downer but beethoven died of complications from syphilis that he contracted from a ho.

Aek said...

J-3: But does that make Beethoven's music any less beautiful? Of the two facts, which endures his name? That he died from syphilis, or that he composed some of the most iconic music in the world?

J (J-2) said...

Am I missing something? I thought Beethoven died of lead poisoning.
Whatever brought him low, you have to be astonished by the genius that could produce the Ninth Symphony when he was stone deaf.

Rick said...

One more lawyer clucking in:

The Pathatique was the last think I played in a piano recital. The section which transfixed me was the second movement which presented this indaliably rich melody which didn't ride on the top of the treble, but seemed to emerged from the inner harmonies. It was music one could not sing, but still could sing along with I soon found something similar in the 7th Symphony, but it was Opus 13 which opened this whole new notion of music to me.

Thanks for reminding me.

hellogenation said...

I learned this piece way back... wow maybe 6 years now? It was the most fun I've ever had playing a piece. The wide range of feelings and tempos, you can seriously do so much with the piece. Ah I love it! But I can't play it anymore as I am way out of practice. =[

Anyway Aek! I usually respond to questions as a comment in one of your posts, but since you wrote soooo much I'm going to write a post for you. Yeah I'm nice like that XD. Thanks for reading. And you better keep writing when you go to med school. If mstpbound can do it, so can you! =]

Aek said...

hellogenation: Yeah, I'm also out of practice. :( I can sort of play it still though (though not entirely from memory).

I'll definitely try to keep blogging while in med school, don't worry. ^_^

naturgesetz said...

I've been meaning to comment for a while.

I tend to be pretty laissez-faire about things, and I wonder if feeling one has to be in a relationship, making it a goal, is the best way to do things. Could that be the way one gets into unsatisfactory relationships? Is it not perhaps better to be open, but not at all anxious, so that if Mr. Right comes along, you're ready, but you don't force yourself to regard someone as Mr. Right just because nobody better has been within range for a while.