Friday, February 12, 2010

Crushed

I just got off venting to my best friend online. I feel kind of bad and embarrassed to be venting to him online, it's not something I like to do. I'm glad we weren't talking on the phone or in person, otherwise he would've heard/seen my tears.

So Jay canceled our plans on Sunday because he has a massive paper due Monday. I had a feeling that Jay might have to cancel, and I suppose my fears came true. :-( I can understand that though, and he wants to reschedule. I feel we're constantly in the rescheduling flux . . . things just don't seem to work out initially between us. It's like there's something keeping us apart. He's also very difficult to get a hold of for any length of time online.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling kind of down and crushed by this. And it's irrational but I can't help it. I had my hopes up for Valentine's Day/Chinese New Year, and now I've nothing. While I'm okay with being alone on Valentine's Day (like every Valentine's Day before now), I've never been alone on Chinese New Year and it's honestly one of my favorite holidays. My roommate went home for the weekend and many of my other friends here have plans.

I guess I'm just feeling really lonely right now . . . I feel like I have such terrible luck with relationships and I can't seem to get anywhere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what not to do, I don't know how to court, I don't know how to impress. All I can offer is what one sees. And every time a relative or my mom asks if I have a girlfriend I always have to awkwardly say no and that I'm probably too busy anyway. And when I do I cry a little on the inside.

Everything else will fall into place. Everything except, it seems, this thing called "relationships." I feel like I'm constantly waiting for someone or something, but it's all very hazy. And I'm getting kind of anxious and twitchy, because with every passing year it's going to get harder and harder. I don't try, let things just happen, and nothing happens. I try and still nothing much seems to happen. And I'm still so uncertain about myself in this respect - I don't know what I'm looking for or what I want. I can't foresee the future here - all I see is myself alone with my work and it scares me. I'm still uncomfortable talking about this with people offline and I'm sure I'd just freeze up - I still can't open myself and make myself vulnerable in front of a physical person, and I don't know why.

I can only wonder, not even imagine, what it must be like to wake up next to someone you love . . . because I'm going to bed alone.

After I fold all my laundry. -_-

11 comments:

charlie said...

Maybe we should share a skype dinner on the 14th! :) The only problem is that due to the distance it would be a Valentines breakfast for me and a dinner for you (or the opposite) :)

Sorry that it doesnt turn the way you want... Anyways, if it doesnt' work out, there is not much you can do to change it. I hope that you will stumble on the right guy soon.

Have a wonderful chinese new year, and try to have some friends around.

Bye

James said...

*hugs much*

But you are trying, and you've already seen results. Maybe mediocre results, or not the results you want, but surely you can see that your efforts to meet someone and connect are starting to pay off?

Wish I could be there to hold and hug you. :(

tracy said...

Hugs to you, Aek!

i know this sounds trite, but there is someone out there who feels just like you, searching for you...i know, i'm psychic...! ;)

i wish i could be with you to celebrate Chinese New Year...try to have a good one!

Love and Hugs,
tracy

. said...

I'm with the other posters Aek, you're putting yourself out there and that's important to find other friends and someone to date. I really do feel your emotions in this last entry and I wish I was there to give you a hug and say everything is going to be okay with you. And I know it will be. Continue to branch out and I know things will work out well for you. You have a great heart and I know you are/will be a great catch for someone that can appreciate you. Now about those friends in Alabama...oh yeah and snow, we got it!!

Uncutplus said...

Surely wish that I could spend Valentine's Day with you, so that you would not be alone, and let you tell me all about the Chinese New Year. Then we could go find a hotel lobby with a concert grand piano in it and you could play it for me and for all the other guests who would be stopping to listen. Then we could have dinner in the hotel.

I am much too old for you and too far away, but maybe someone near you will read this and take the suggestions.

Cheers, Happy Valentine's Day and HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

El Genio said...

Another year of singles awareness day :( I really think there is someone better for you out there. Of course, that doesn't make the current situation any easier, being alone sucks.

You're an amazing guy and you have a lot going for you. Hang in there, keeping putting yourself out there, and I'm sure you'll eventually manage to find a good guy.

Jason Carwin said...

You're not alone when you have this awesome community of bloggers and readers here to support you.

I know for a fact that you won't live your entire life alone. First of all, you're bound to meet some guy who you fall in love with and who falls in love with you.

Second, there are so many other types of relationships aside from romantic ones. There's friends, there's family, and it seems that our 21st century technology has added another category: Online Friends. Perhaps these belong in the Friends category, but I think they play a slightly different role.

Anonymous said...

Anon MD here (again):

It is very hard to maintain a relationship during medical school, never mind starting one. In almost every med school class I'm aware of there's a lot of "stress relief sex", sex among people who are just trying to work off some stress so they can eat/study/wash clothes/sleep--people who wouldn't ever think of even looking at the other will wind up in bed with them. Second and third years, it is VERY common. But relationships? Relationship take time, energy, and attention, 3 things in short supply to most med students. In my class, there were 25 married folks at the start of freshman year, and 30 months later, all but 2 had divorced or filed for separation. I'm sorry that I can not provide more inspiring thoughts, but the reality is that getting a relationship going during med school is just rough. Until the 4th year, and then one is thinking about the match and where you're going to move to, not trying to find someone you really want to share things with. I wish I could say it will get better, but I can't. This is also why there used to be so many doctor-nurse couplings and now doctor-doctor ones. They're the only folks who really understand what you're going through and can create means of dealing with something that anyone else (outside of medicine) simply can't relate to. (And yes, for the record, everyone in my class basically slept with everyone else in the class. Looking back, it was kind of stupid, but at the time...)

Mike said...

:::Hug:::

Maybe he would just be best as a friend.

What happened to that other guy who was in the picture? Have you thought about meeting up with him?

Seth said...

*quiet hugs*

B. said...

*BIG HUG*
I would like to say: Everything will be okay, and you will find someone for sure, but it's just some crappy to-many-times-used phrase which isn't always true and it's just phrase who makes you go around the real problem and leave it beside...

I want to make you to feel more optimistic, cause you shouldn't lose hope. Try to go out more, meet a lot of people, have fun, be FREE, do crazy stuff and you'll find someone for sure. You live only once, and use that well. Oh, man I would really like to be next to you right now, cause I would take you and make you go somewhere together, but I can't do anything but only talk to you and only try to make you feel better...

Everybody deserves to have someone, you just can't give up. It's not so hard...