Sometimes I wonder . . .
Sometimes I wonder if there was ever really a face to the person behind the masks. Sometimes I wonder if the person forgets that he is wearing masks, like people wearing glasses sometimes forget. Sometimes I wonder if the person remembers that he is an independent entity apart from his masks. Sometimes I wonder if this person is able to separate himself from his masks . . .
I've blogged for so long now that it has itself become a mask - one through which I allow people who I've never met become my friends, one through which I let strangers glimpse some of my most personal thoughts and memories, and one through which I let the world read my secrets. Reflecting on this blog, it has seldom been me at my least restrained. More often than not, my posts are mere amplifications of my many masks.
Can I even dissociate myself from the masks I wear? Is there Aek without a love of biology, languages, and music; without medicine; without desire to help; without inner sexual conflicts; without confusion; without secrets embedded deep inside? Am I these things, or are they me, or is it both?
As children, the mind is amorphous and does many things - all things - simultaneously. As we age and become adults, the mind solidifies onto certain paths, narrowing options while enforcing those paths. And so I wonder, has parts of me been slowly chipped away by time and age, such that all that's left are the parts of me still attached to my masks? What is Aek when he's not a med student? What is Aek when he's still not sure if he's bi/gay/other? What is Aek behind the masks . . . behind that name?
Though it may not seem like it, though I may not always say it . . . there is still much vulnerability and insecurity to the face behind the masks. I'm still waiting for someone to take them off and look me in the face.
6 comments:
Okay, frankly, I hadn't read this until I saw the first paragraph of your subsequent post.
Here's my take. There is a person who likes biology, wonders about his orientation, studies medicine, calls himself Aek on the internet, etc. The use of the word "mask" to describe different aspect of what you think and do may be misleading, because it seems to suggest some degree of falsity in those thoughts and actions. The actions and thoughts are not you but they are truly yours unless you are consciously dissembling. There is a real you expressing yourself, being yourself, when you "wear the masks" you have chosen.
I think that's how it is with you because I think that's how it is with everybody.
We all wear masks to some extent, because different people see us differently. If you are a parent, your mask is Daddy; if you are a physician, your mask may be one of someone highly respected; if you are a pediatrician, your little patient may see you with fear; to your gay friends, you are one of them; to some colleagues, you are straight and professional; when you play the piano, you are viewed as a musician; when you are a classmate, you may be viewed as a competitor, etc. It is like the blind guy describing the elephant as he touches a different place. You may even see yourself differently, until you look in the mirror. Am I really that old? Am I really that out of shape?
I like the way you describe yourself wearing different masks. Some masks may show happiness, while others show sadness. Keep wearing your masks and blogging about which mask you are wearing that day. They are all good.
I was so busy this weekend i didn't get a chance to read this- PROMISE.
I think it is all about masks we choose to identify and hide behind, and all about stepping out in front of the masks- doing something daring, trying something new.
i often find myself wishing i could meet the "real" Aek, in person......
Hey man, i'm new here and i liked the title of your blog, i just wanted to quote Oscar Wilde here:"Give man a mask and he'll tell you the truth."
take care!
DB
All: I suppose the central question of this post is: if we wear our masks too long, do we become them? Are we only what we allow others to see or are we definitely more? And do we forget that we're more than just what people see?
Post a Comment