Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm Tired . . .

. . . of pushing my APAMSA co-president along. He's pretty lazy and only gets things done when I demand them to be. It's been a while since I last checked up on him, I wonder if he completed the goals we set out for ourselves back in early June.

. . . of pushing my LGBTPM secretary along. He's very hesitant about taking responsibility. He keeps trying to get away with doing less. That's not acceptable because he barely does anything to being with compared to the rest of us.

. . . of reassuring my LGBTPM community chair that we're okay, that even if we've over-extended ourselves, we'll still be fine. She's constantly worried that we're too busy with our ambitions for the groups, but she's only chiefly responsible for 2-3 events.

. . . of making sure my LGBTPM treasurer doesn't explode on me and quit. Apparently, she hates that I send out emails so frequently (not once a day, like she claims). She's a pretty high-strung person, and I always tread carefully around her. She's been really stressed lately, but she has the advantage that most of her events are in the Spring semester - so she has more of a time-buffer than some of us.

. . . of being guilted into doing more work by my FMSA Patient Education co-chair. She is way overburdened this summer with many things, but she hasn't held up her end entirely. She feels that she's doing disproportionately more work than me for this program. In our last email volley summing up our latest meeting together, this appears true on the surface. But, it's her own fault. She keeps adding things to her to-do list that we hadn't originally agreed to deal with; and I keep asking her to tone it down - to deal with our top priorities first and leave her "extras" alone. Does she listen? Not really.

. . . of being responsible for my brothers. I was engaged in a long phone call with my mom last night. My brother in Hong Kong is miserable.

It's hot, humid, and rainy there; he's working 6 days a week, from early morning (I'm guessing 8am or 9am) until 7pm or so; he doesn't know what he's doing at work because he's the only person working on the programming assigned to him; he has no friends there; our relatives eat a lot of veggies and little meat, no juice, and no milk (cuz those things are expensive); and he's clearly homesick. Sending him to Hong Kong for 3 months was a HUGE mistake. And I told my mom this. He's been there for 2 months already. Had our parents sent me or my other brother, we would've been okay - we would've adapted and toughed it out. But my youngest brother, he wasn't ready for this. So my mom begged me to call him in Hong Kong to lift his spirits, to make sure he's eating right, to make sure he drinks enough water, to make sure he survives. So my mom tells me that I'm the only one he really listens to and that only I can help him now.

Knowing my brother, knowing that he'd rather starve himself than eat things he dislikes, knowing that he's miserable, it was a call I was fully prepared to make. Thank God my prayers were answered and he got on an early flight back to the US some time either today or tomorrow. He'll spend a few days/weeks in California with our relatives there - and I know he likes it there almost as much as I do (even if he doesn't show it).
This wasn't the summer I intended to have. I'm tired of being responsible for others when there's no one giving me the kind of support I need.

Every day while driving back from work, I wish there were someone waiting for me when I returned, or someone's door I could just show up on to hang out. Instead I return to an empty apartment. Instead I return to loneliness.

The long days at work I actually enjoy. At least while I'm working my mind's preoccupied. But how I envy all the people working there who have people to return to at the end of the day. And just like that, I've let myself become my work to distract me from my loneliness. And just like that I keep myself busy to hide the fact that there's no one here for me. And just like that I hate myself a little more.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm not sure I can even deal with this in the morning. I think it's time for an "emergency" call to my best friend before he leaves for Beijing for the rest of the summer on July 4th (what a terrible day to leave the country).


naturgesetz said...

Wow! I can understand why you're tired of all that. What to do about it?

The question with all your fellow officials in all these organizations is what would happen if you did your job and let them do theirs? It can be passive-aggressive if you take it to an extreme or go about it in the wrong way. But when we feel we are personally responsible for the success of the organization (it may be what is called a "Messiah complex"), we put too much pressure on ourselves.

Try leaving them alone, once it is clear they understand their responsibilities. Send out way fewer e-mails. Tell the co-chair that this or that wasn't on the to-do list, and if she wants to do it herself, fine, but she's not going to make decisions unilaterally and then expect you to meekly comply. And keep repeating, "I never agreed to that." Send the co-president and the secretary one reminder of a task, about a week before it's due.

Or something like that.

It's good that you rescued your brother with your phone call.

I'd also suggest that you try not to focus on being alone in the evenings. It would be nice to have some support at home, but it may be a mistake to assume that someone at home would not just turn into another drain on your energy, someone else you had to care for. I don't think it is a problem that you derive satisfaction from your work. Especially if there is not a supportive intimate relationship, I think it is healthy to do so.

You've burdened yourself with a lot. Try to enjoy what you have and concentrate on that. You can make yourself miserable if you focus too much on what you don't have.

Hang in there.

Mike said...

Soooooo much going on.

Sometimes I hate working with people because it feels like they don't care as much, don't know what they are doing, and it seems like it would be easier to do on my own. Sometimes you just have to realize you need to step back and let whatever will happen take place.

That's pretty crazy about your brother! Glad he is ok!

Anonymous said...

i can only admire you for the persistence and selflessness you exemplify through the things you do.
Being a younger brother, i know what a good older brother looks like ;) you're one of them.

as for the work stuff..meh! just remember, you're only one person and you're doing the best possible :)


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Anonymous said...

I'm glad to hear your brother is coming home. Even being 100 miles away when it's too soon can be really hard on someone. My home isn't more than 130 miles from my parents and I still had a meltdown after only a month away. I can only imagine what your bros going through.

At this point in my career, I'd say you're in the best case scenario relationship-wise for the worst case scenario relationship-wise. At least you can be distracted by work. That's a step up from feeling so painfully lonely that you CAN'T work. I guess that isn't much of a comfort...silver lining?

But big hugs from me, cause you know I love ya. *huuuuuuugs*