And So It Begins (for the last time)

My last semester of undergrad began on Thursday. Break was way too short. Already I have a quiz in two classes and homework due in two classes, all on Monday. My professors are really jumping into things without delay. Fortunately, I don't have many books to buy this semester, so that's a lot of cash saved. And so it begins . . . for the last time.

I know I've said this before, but it feels weird. It feels as if the last 4 years passed me by while I stood still. Where have they gone?! I know I must've learned something, and I must've "grown up" at least a little. But in some ways, it doesn't feel like it. I know I've changed since coming to the university, but it's subtle and slow.

Here I am, in my last semester as a senior, and the most important things I've learned are Spanish, Chinese, and how to load DNA/protein gels (and sometimes why they do/don't work). I jest, obviously, as there are many things I've learned that I found useful, applicable either now or in the near-ish future. Still there are lots I wish I had the time to learn. I wish I could've learned more languages such as French, Japanese, Hindi, to name a few. I wish I could've minored in medical anthropology (which I technically could have, had I known that minor existed 2 years earlier) or Asian studies. I wish I had the chance to study abroad rather than just doing research every summer for 4 years, though I did enjoy my labs.

Would I have done things differently? Probably not. At most I would've taken some classes in a different order, not taken a couple, and taken others to fulfill a minor requirement. I liked the people I've met and the friends I've made. I can only wonder and imagine what it would've been like had I gone to UC Berkeley instead for undergrad (for one, I would be in a lot of debt). If anything, I wish I had come across such blogs much earlier and gone through this earlier, rather than at the end when I'm about to part ways with most (if not all) of my friends, spatially across the US and the world.

Anyway, as a "kickoff-of-sorts" to the beginning of this semester, I made sushi with SR-F and JW-F. We made LOTS of sushi (some shrimp sushi, the rest were chicken). I took the leftover ingredients with me so I could make sushi tomorrow; I'll take a picture of it when I'm done before I eat it, haha. I ate so much sushi that I still felt completely stuffed like 5 hours later. It's kind of amazing how much sushi one can eat without noticing until it's "too late."

Happy New Year!

So I waited until it was actually new year before posting. I didn't want to make new year's resolutions while I'm still in the previous year. New year is too often a time for reflections on the past year and renewed vigor towards the current one. In one sentence, 2007 wasn't a bad one for me - one full of new things, one full of ups and downs, but overall not bad. 2008, however, I'm determined to make much better.

Okay, I don't like resolutions because they're like a set goal that I can't really achieve. So I'll say it this way: I will be determined to make progress. 2008 will = progress in these areas (as always, in no particular order):

1. Lose weight. I'm aiming to lose about 15-25 lbs in 4-5 months and then maintaining that new weight. To do this, I will go to the gym at least, but hopefully more than, 3 times a week.

2. Get a relationship. Start dating, progress a friendship "to the next level," something. Almost anything.

3. Get into med school. This is perhaps the big one. This means I can't afford to mess up my interview in 22 days.

4. Get straight-A's for this semester. I know it's possible, I've done it (once) before.

5. Finish my goddamn research project. It's been not working and a pain in my ass for over 2 years now.

6. Take a chance with new things, or something. Branch out, explore, etc.

7. Get to know some fellow bloggers in a way more than just what I read on the blogs. If you're reading this, feel free to contact me before I attempt to contact you!

8. Learn to cook new things.

9. Take off a mask or two. So far I've blogged mostly about the masks I wear, if it's something personal. It's about time I reveal a face or two behind these cracked things.

10. Come out to more people. Even if this mean 1-2 people, it's still progress.

Well, those are the big ones. There are smaller ones to the side, but these will be the ones that'll take precedence. Well, it's now 2008 and I'll be graduating after this semester. Wow, where has the time gone?!

Anyway, as if it hasn't been said enough, Happy New Year everyone!!

---TANGENT---
So I've added two more blogs to the list. They are:

Midwest Ben
MSTP Bound

Check them out if you haven't by now.
---END TANGENT---

Mask of the Artist

I have always loved art. I love creative expression in all its forms. As I've probably said before, creative expression such as art or music can bring out a person's soul, even if they never intend to. I've always been considered good at art, and there is some latent talent there that I haven't (and probably never will) tap into. Now I'm not good at all art forms (I don't think any one person can be), as I have my own particular styles and tendencies. For example, I suck at calligraphy with a brush. I do envy those Chinese people who make the Chinese language into art, because I can't do it.

In any case, I've always loved to draw. Although what I draw almost never comes out how I imagine it in my head, the end result is usually acceptable (to me). When I wear this Mask of the Artist, time seems to disappear. I can bend over a piece of paper for minutes and even hours at a time as the world passes me by. This isn't so good when I'm in a lecture. There's something about drawing that's so compelling, so captivating, so . . . personal.

Anyway, I'm what could be considered a "pencil artist." My chosen utensil is the pencil, mainly because I don't have access to other media such as paint or oils, and I don't know how to create art with Photoshop or any other programs. So I've taken to the pencil. I do wish, however, I had some "formal training" with pencils and shading, rather than just figuring it out. As a consequence, most of my art exists currently as "line art" without shading or coloring. I do hope, however, to come back to them one day and color them.

Last Vigil

As the last of its kind, this ice dragon looks to the setting horizon as the age of dragons comes to an end.

Kurotaka Makoto

This is me being a dork. He is me as a shinigami captain if I were a character in the anime Bleach. His sword (zanpakuto) is called "Hakage," which means "Under the shadow of leaves." Ask me for more details if you're curious. XD












A Dark Past

My friend, JS-M, asked me to draw him a dark warrior with a dark past. He looks half-shinobi, haha. I used his initials to create a "seal" or symbol to represent him.













Ice Mage

I offered to draw my friend JW-M an ice mage. I think the reason for this was because we both felt the mages in WoW (World of Warcraft) look less and less like actual mages, rather than mages wearing heavy armor. The more powerful armor sets looked stupid, and this is a "return to an original" concept.











So here are 4 examples of my "typical" art. Yeah, I do like to draw fantasy. Sci-fi is cool too. I wish I had some of my older landscape art, but I wonder what happened to them . . . Recently I've drawn very little. It makes me a little sad.

If you want, you can "commission" something from me, haha. Just let me know what you'd want me to draw for you and I'll do it and post it on this blog when I'm done. But you must be very specific on what you want, otherwise "artistic license" takes control. And as a word of warning, how fast I finish a drawing depends on many factors - such as classes. So it might be done in a few days, or it could be months (or never). Anyway, you're free to ask and pester me about it. You all know how to contact me.

Eeks!

I had debated somewhat about posting this, as it's sort-of-not-really graphic, but oh so awkward and embarrassing.

Let's see, I couldn't fall asleep the night before last (Christmas night). Don't know why but whatever. So I had trouble sleeping the whole night, though I must've slipped in and out of consciousness because it didn't feel like 5+ hours had gone by.

So I got fed up. I was also getting really warm under the blankets and covers (all 4 layers of them). So I pulled off the layers, took off my clothes, and just laid on my bed naked. Then proceeded to masturbate. It was good. By the time I finished, I had cooled off a bit and was ready to put my clothes on again, pull the blankets and covers over me, and finally get some sleep.

It must've been around 6am or something because I heard my mom get ready for work. Also, I had turned on the lamp next to my bed and that light seeps out the door frame. I should also mention there are like no locks on any of the doors inside my house except on the bathrooms. And of course I laid in my post-masturbation glow or something too long. I hear my mom move near my door and I scrambled to at least cover myself with my clothes, even if I couldn't put them on in time.

The door cracks open a tiny bit, a weird noise escapes my mouth, and it shuts just as fast. Probably no longer than a second. But that second was tense. Also, one can see almost my entire room through just opening the door a crack. But my mom never mentioned anything later that day (yesterday) so I guess she must've closed the door faster than she saw anything, though she might've suspected.

That was close. Too close. Had she opened the door a minute or two earlier she would've caught me at the, uh, height of everything. That would've been much worse. Needless to say, I didn't sleep after that. Blah.

I need to get out of the house again and back in my apartment, where my roommate's gone like 85% of the time. I hope you were entertained by this oh so awkward and embarrassing moment.

Season's Greetings

This could be the most underwhelming Christmas ever, haha. Usually nothing special happens on Christmas at my house anyway, but it is relaxing, and that's something. We don't generally buy/exchange gifts (anymore) but that's okay, my brothers and I seldom ask for anything anyway. Sometimes we'll ask for a "collective gift," one that all 3 of us want and will share - usually it's something quite expensive.

We kind of "celebrate" Christmas because everyone else does. It has, unfortunately, become something of a token holiday in some respects. It's perfectly fine without gifts (don't shoot me) and just a time to be at home with family (and/or friends). And even non-Christians can probably acknowledge that Jesus Christ is an important enough a figure to warrant one day a year in honor of him.

In any case, I've been feeling like a hermit the last couple days. So, I created an AIM screen name as well as a gmail.com account for this blog. They're both in the sidebar to the right. So, IM/email me and say "Hi!" Or to chat and whatnot. It'll be good to get to know some of you guys reading this.

Lastly, as if this hasn't been said enough, happy holidays and merry Christmas!!

Mask of the Writer

Why do I write? Why do I like to write? Why am I writing here? Ah, the questions I think I haven't answered before. It is, actually, somewhat strange for me to write a blog. But I am also simultaneously maintaining a LiveJournal account as well, though it's been in a state of semi-neglect lately (probably due to this blog). But I'm jumping ahead, first back to the beginning.

The Mask of the Writer is an old one. Truth be told, I used to hate writing. English was my worst subject in elementary and middle school. I wasn't bad in that I didn't get A's, because I did, but it was my worst because I wasn't able to capture its nuances. I was particularly bad at grammar - caused me much grief. But my 11th grade English teacher was amazing. Of course she was, she held a law degree. She taught us the essay - my chosen style of writing. With it I was able to analyze text and support arguments in my papers with sufficient evidence. And we had to be careful not to take things out of context. Finally, I had a way to discover, analyze, and play with the nuances of the English language. If I had the inclination, I would probably choose pre-law instead of pre-med owing to my writing style. But I don't have that inclination, so whatever.

Every time I write something substantial donning this Mask, it comes out at least essay-like. It tends to have a particular structure and form, with particular details of support and order. Granted, writing in a blog/journal is still free-form in ways an essay cannot be. Anyway, pardon me if things sound too rigid and formed - it's just how I write.

Now, in my sophomore year of college I opened a free LiveJournal account that I still post on from time to time. It was mostly somewhere I could rant and vent, as well as comment on my friends' LiveJournal accounts. I stuck to mostly "my day" things - things that generally weren't very private/personal. And of course, I started this blog where my identity is, as far as I know, still anonymous, something that's become more precious than I'd thought.

But why do I write? It serves many purposes. The most apparent one is to record my thoughts and events so that I may come back to it. Memory is an imperfect thing, and writing is one way of ingraining that memory elsewhere, to be revisited later. Through this, I am able to go back and read my old posts - which I do from time to time - and see exactly how I've changed. The changes are subtle, I admit. I don't think I'm one of those people who drastically change from one year to the next, etc. It's a slow progression with me, I think. And writing lets me see and follow that on a timescale that makes sense.

Another reason is rather morbid. But writing leaves some trace of my being behind. Who knows if I am to die today, or tomorrow, or the day after. There's always that uncertainty and I'm occasionally reminded of it. For example, a person I know who went to Cal Tech just died a few days ago. He was 20, and he wasn't feeling well. About half an hour later he had a heart attack and died, even though he was promptly rushed to the hospital. Just like that, with no prior health condition, with no warning, sudden death by a heart attack. How does that happen?! Why do things like that happen?! It's scary to even think about. And so I write - to remind myself that I was alive, that I am still alive. It's like leaving a part of me with whoever reads this.

But why write this, and why here? What do I hope to achieve? I don't know if I have a good answer to that. A part of it is to organize my thoughts, to clear the debris in my mind and help me focus. A part of it is to help me figure myself out: who/what I am, where I've been, where I stand, where I'm heading, and where I may want to go. All are ambiguous questions that aren't easily answered, because again, who knows what tomorrow brings.

I write here, on this blog, also as way of telling me to not hide that hidden part of me. And perhaps readers stumbling across this might be touched (I doubt it?), who knows. Here a part of me lives behind several masks, only the eyes and voices showing. And at the end of this, I hope to take off those masks one by one. And at the end of this, I hope to see me, strange as that sounds. But perhaps there are many "me," I don't know but I intend on finding out eventually.

As always, you're welcome to read, support/criticize, and comment as you please. I don't offend that easily. Soon though, I might create an email and AIM screen name just for this blog. So when I do, don't hesitate to say "hi" and such!

---TANGENT---
Okay, I've fully read and caught up on several blogs. They have been added to the sidebar and are as follows:

Falling off a log
Figuring Myself Out
Minding the Heart
Naughty Confucius

So yeah, check them out if you haven't already!
---END TANGENT---

The Semester in Summary

Oh man it's been a long and rather eventful semester. So much has happened, and yet so little; some of it good, some of it bad; but where to begin? Where indeed. Well, in no particular order (it's almost never in any particular order) . . .

Firsts: This has been a semester of firsts. You'd think that by your senior year of undergrad things are pretty much set-in-stone. But no. I started a blog and "came out" to the internet (which is kind of creepy thinking about it). I came out to myself, I guess. I came out to a friend. And this is only a small part of many other "firsts." Yet still, I hate the term "coming out." It feels . . . dirty somehow.

Classes: Miserable. I had 2 I liked (of which one I loved), 1 I tolerated, and 2 I hated with a passion. Usually, there's at most 1 I hate, and the rest I like or tolerate. Not one of my best semesters in terms of liking my classes, but definitely not my worst semester grade-wise. 3 A's and 1 B, and 1 still to go (probably some kind of a B). I am glad, for the most part, that this semester is over. I shall now sit here and await my last semester of undergrad, and fully embrace the courses I've chosen.

Friends: As I've said, I came out to SR-F. That was nerve-wracking. But it's good to see nothing has changed. It's kind of eerie how nothing's changed between us - no increase in bond, no decrease, just "business as usual," or so it seems. Friendships elsewhere have somewhat deepened. I haven't been this close to JW-M since freshman year when he was my roommate. I really should come out to him . . . soon. And hopefully next week I'll get together with my old friend, JR-M, who I haven't seen in person in over a year. This is unacceptable. It's strange to think that after this semester, we're all going to be scattered across the US (or world). Again, just like right after high school. Sigh.

Travels: I've been to more places this semester than all other semesters combined, I think. I went to Canada for RZ-F's birthday, "up north" for SR-F's birthday, and to New York for a med school interview. All were interesting and exciting experiences. I rather like to travel, I just don't have the opportunity to do so very often. So it's very refreshing when I do.

Sexuality: I'm coming to terms with it, still working on that. To say I'm straight is a lie. To say I'm gay is also probably a lie. To say I'm bisexual doesn't feel quite accurate, but it's the best I've got. To say I now know my sexuality is a misnomer, as there's still a bit of confusion left. There are days I swing back and forth, days where both attractions coexist, but I don't know. I know I "swing" mostly towards guys, but never to the total exclusion of women. And even as I type this, it feels somehow fake - as if it's not my words but someone else's. What a weird feeling.

Body: Well, at least I haven't gained weight this semester, which is alright. I've been running and lifting, so a significant proportion of my fat has been replaced by muscle, that's for sure. I no longer feel out-of-place in the weight room as I can actually bench and lift a respectable amount now. Some of the guys in there though, are WAY too buff, and it's kind of disgusting. I'm more comfortable with my body, but to say I'm happy with it would be a lie. I still need to lose lots of weight. I wish I had a high metabolism, stupid genes. >.<

Orchestra: It's been a love-hate relationship this semester. I liked the music we've played, I like the people I sit near, I love playing my instrument, but it doesn't feel "unified" somehow. An orchestra is suppose to have this strange synergistic feeling, where each of the sections feeds off of and fuels the others. The cello and bass sections support the strings, allowing the violins to play out. Meanwhile, the violas blend in and fill in the gaps. The brass accent loud and grandiose parts, whereas the woodwinds join the violins in the lofty melodies. And while as an ensemble we sounded good, I didn't feel it. As a single cellist, I am but a cell of an organ of a body that is the orchestra. But that said, String Orchestra has been an amazing experience. While we don't sound solid yet, the ensemble is more readily there. And it feels like everyone's playing their roles, if not the correct notes.

Other/Final Thoughts: Well, there are many other things I could write about, but they're "conveniently" not coming to mind. Hmm. But, I'm sad to say sexy ES-M won't be in my Chinese class next semester, as he couldn't sign up for my section. Alas. But, I'd like to say (and I think I've known this for a while), I can be seduced with sexy cello playing haha. I'm just drawn to the sound of that instrument (I've been listening to cello concertos for the last day or so). It's just such a sexy instrument! Okay, enough of that.

Happy holidays everyone! Even if you do/do not celebrate anything, it's the season and thoughts that really counts.