The Masks We Wear

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This Really IS Happening

Wow. This really IS happening. o_O

All of this feels surreal still. Tomorrow, Friday, next Monday, next Wednesday, and next Thursday through next Saturday. Things will be okay, they'll work out.

It seems I've bought a ticket to San Diego, CA, for the GLMA Conference next week. And it seems that Dr. P is paying for everything but the plane ticket. I'm not sure how this is all going to work out, but I need to tell myself that things will be okay and they'll work out.

I should be grateful, and I am. More so than anything. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not - why do I feel unworthy of this extreme generosity? Why do I feel so nervous? Why do I feel like crawling under a rock?

It's okay, it's not like any of you will see the above on my face. Like an oncologist delivering bad news, we in the medical field out of necessity develop great masks to hide our own feelings outwardly. I just hope mine doesn't crack.

And I'm still waiting for that one thing that'll bring me back to normal. But if I told you it wouldn't happen. And so I wait.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Method to My Madness

I'd like to take a moment away from studying for my immunology exam (on Monday) to address the comments in my last 2 posts.

First, I Blame the Wine
Where to start. Understand that I've erected several mental walls throughout the years, often without realizing it until I find myself running and banging my head against them. It takes effort to break them and it takes time to reduce them to rubble. It's taken a number of years to get comfortable enough with public speaking, something I'm still not 100% comfortable with at all times. It's only in the last few years that I've found a way to put on a mask of sociability when in large social situations. And it's also only in the last few years that the thought of coming out even existed in my mind.

There are things that come easy to people, and there are things that don't. The above are all things that don't (or didn't) come easily to me. They required a significant amount of active energy. There's this sense of dread that washes over me - increased heartbeat (tachycardia, if you will), a shakiness, a rush of panic afterwards. It's uncomfortable and not a natural feeling. It's oddly similar to guilt.

Is there a good reason for this reaction? Probably not. The human mind is irrational about many things, no matter how we would condition ourselves. That I'll come out to Dr. P at some point is practically an inevitability. The question is simply when and under what situation.

Second, In This Regard, I'm Quite Lucky
Yes, I've been under overwhelming stress being the president/co-president of 2 student organizations and the co-chair of 2 student-run programs. Pardon me for caring. Pardon me for re-vamping a program with my co-chair to better serve uninsured patients (and med students) at a free clinic. Pardon me for wanting to promote health education/awareness in a community that's difficult for people outside the community to access. Pardon me for trying to organize a health fair in the inner city. I can do all this because, amongst the other presidents, I have a skill for systematizing how I organize things down to practically a protocol with a series of flexible deadlines.

I'm well aware that the USMLE Step 1 is paramount. I need no reminding. I refuse to freak out about it like many of my peers (many of whom are aiming for the more lucrative fields of medicine). Overwhelmed and stressed as I seem, I do have a plan. In fact, my plan is manifold. As they say, there's a method to my madness. You see, dear commenters, the vast majority of the events I'm heading occurs this semester. By January I'll only have 2-3 more events to organize/run. By April I'll have already transitioned my position to M1s. I'll have a pretty solid 2.5 months to focus on nothing but the Step 1 (well, not counting class exams).

So as my involvement in extracurriculars winds down as the months wear on, my effort towards studying for the Step 1 will be ramping up. Also, I've decided to participate in my school's Step 1 Review program with 2 of my friends; and that program will probably start in October or so. As you can see, I have things currently under control. And besides, I don't need a high score to place into a pediatrics residency. Though, of course I've no intention of settling for just passing.

Monday, September 6, 2010

In This Regard, I'm Quite Lucky

I'm going to take a brief pause in whining about my overloaded life, though even this post is related to that life. :-/

So yesterday, I was discussing with my friend, Michelle, over the program we've basically re-vamped, sorting things out and whatnot. Michelle is in the process of finding and contacting physicians to be mentors in a unique program through AMSA (American Medical Student Association) that focuses on cultural sensitivity in clinical practice. She's been having difficulty identifying the right physicians to contact.

By happenstance, I knew of several physicians who might be useful for her to contact. These include:

Dr. P = infectious disease - HIV/AIDS patients
Dr. Pi = family medicine - LGBT patients
Dr. S = pediatrics - inner city (most African-American) peds patients
Dr. H = peds infectious disease - HIV/AIDS peds patients
Dr. C = peds infectious disease - internationally adopted peds patients
Dr. L = family medicine - Hmong patients

So right there, 6 physicians who deal with "special populations" in a sense. I've had the pleasure of meeting 5 of the 6 and the privilege of interacting with 4 of the 6 in clinic/on the wards. There are many other med students who can't say the same thing. And so in this regard, I'm quite lucky.

While my interests laid the groundwork, luck played its part in my encounter with each of them. Had I not been interested in pediatrics, infectious diseases, and a diverse patient population, I probably wouldn't have met most of them. And several of them have had a part in shaping what I might want to end up doing.

And so you see, I have this grand ideal career I'd love to have, but I have no expectation whatsoever of ever getting there. To get where I want to end up would require more luck than should be allowed in that I need to be at the right place at the right time and meet the right people and say the right things.

Because you see, what I want do involves the following:
- Clinic 3 days a week, with one of the days being at a clinic in a Chinatown somewhere
- Teach a class 2 days a week
- Be the director of a program (probably public health in nature)

Sounds simple, but it's not. I wonder what the future brings and where it'll take me (hopefully away from here).

---TANGENT---
P.S. People have brought up interesting points in their comments to my last post. Perhaps I'll devote a post to answering or at least giving my thoughts on the topic. We'll see . . .
---END TANGENT---

Friday, September 3, 2010

I Blame the Wine

So, 2 days ago, we hosted an opening social for the LGBT group at a physician's house. Dr. P was there helping the physician set up and all. Kat and I arrived early to help out, though we didn't end up doing much. (Kat has been surprisingly upbeat these last couple weeks, I hope it stays that way.)

The turnout was actually really good, considering that pathology tutoring for M2s was the same night and the anatomy tutors moved the mock anatomy practical for M1s from Thursday to Tuesday this year (which sucked, since this meant that no M1s would be attending). Surprisingly, one M1 did make it! Our other faculty advisor came with her partner. I must say, they make a really attractive lesbian couple. o_O For a while, there were almost the same number of physicians as med students . . . awkward. But then more med students started filing in, which was good.

Halfway through the social, Kat wanted me to make an announcement to thank Dr. P and the physician whose house we were at. I drank some more wine. I'm no orator. I can be terribly awkward in such situations. I can be quite awkward in social situations, but I somehow managed to talk to almost everyone in attendance, which was no simple feat for me! Thankfully the wine helped. All 6-8 glasses of it (granted, the glasses were small-ish).

Also, I don't know if it's the wine or not (but I blame it anyway), but I had a mini-crush on Dr. P that night. o_O I mean, him + polo shirt + shorts = swoon (also, he's only in his mid- to late-30s). He has really nice arms and legs; well, he's just really nice overall. But, he has a partner, and it'd be a very bad idea to let this get any further considering our respective positions. Partway through the social, he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know this isn't politically correct, but are there any gay M1s or M2s?" I answered, "I honestly don't know because I didn't make it a policy to ask."

I must admit, it made me a tad uneasy. Every time he asks me a similar question, I feel like he's looking into me for answers or a confession or something. I've wanted to come out to him so badly, but I just can't seem to. How odd. I just want to chat with him about life and let myself vent and ask him for guidance, or something. But I don't think that's going to happen in the near future. What's holding me back?

When Kat and I left (we carpooled), we talked about Dr. P's whispered comment to me. There's a reason why there are so few openly LGBT students. If you come out, you are the gay student. You are the gay person that everyone looks to and you have to be the "model" gay med student. You become the reference. It's not a burden most would want to carry.
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Anyway, my thoughts feel very disjointed. I'm beyond overwhelmed with things right now. Something just doesn't seem quite right inside at the moment. :-/

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hanging in There

Man, it's been a crazy week. And it's only just become Tuesday! Already it's been full of ups and downs.

Down: So, the anatomy tutors brilliantly scheduled their anatomy practice lab practical the same evening as we scheduled the LGBT opening social event. This means that practically no M1s will be attending. Grrr. The same thing happened last year, so we tried to avoid that situation this year. But the tutors decided to (conveniently) move the event. -_-

There was much swearing and cursing on my part (in my head anyhow) and on the part of my treasurer (verbally).

Up: Because we needed to generate M1 involvement for the LGBT group, I've decided to schedule an "ad hoc" general meeting if you will next week. Thankfully I was able to reserve a room at a decent time. Now I just have to hope someone, anyone, shows up.

At least APAMSA is a group I don't have to worry about. So many M1s showed up! And not only that, so many of them volunteered to be on the various committees!! Last year I remembered the then-M2s were practically pulling teeth trying to get our class to volunteer for stuff. This year, totally different situation. Also, there are about twice the number of M1s on committees as M2s. Crazy!!
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Classes are going okay. Today, for the first time, I sat through immunology and was totally lost while still being awake. :-/ At least pathology is easy for now because the topic is largely review for me (inflammation, cancer, cancer genetics).

I need more sleep. Tomorrow and the day after are going to be LONG days, bleh.

Thus concludes this update. Still hanging in there!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Rant: Frustrations

Blargh. Day 2 of classes and already I'm stressing out hardcore, but not over classes. Oh no, classes wouldn't stress me out quite as much as some of the people and drama around me.
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1. I don't know why, but I've been really snappy and short at my roommate. Little things he does seem to set me off in a corner of my mind. He doesn't understand that my family is quite strapped financially this year, and he even suggested that my brother or I get a part-time job. But we're med students . . . there's precious little time for adequate decompressing, much less a job.

Also, he keeps stating how talking about psychiatry and medical ethics are worthless unless we're immediately faced with those dilemmas. I vehemently disagree, as I believe that understanding how people think and how to reason through even hypothetical ethical conundrums are useful. He argues that because we're reasonable people with common sense, that those qualities alone are generally sufficient. Well, if they were truly sufficient we wouldn't have a need for ethics committees. I could go on and on, but I don't want to sound like I'm foaming at the mouth.

I've decided that I can't discuss such matters with him. He never accepts anything I say as valid and tries to "light-heartedly" discount my points, and I just get frustrated. I'm putting my foot down: I'm not discussing this with him from now on.
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2. There's tension between one of my friends, her roommate (my treasurer for one of the student groups I'm in), and me. Let's say my friend is M and her roommate is K.

So K sent both of us a rather bitchy email earlier telling us that she doesn't like how we've been talking about her to each other. M gets furious at this email. And I must admit, it did cast a dark cloud over my head for several hours.

I reply to K's email and tactfully apologize. She is pacified by this. Then M sends me a message on gchat asking me why I bothered apologizing. I replied that it was a tactical decision, not a personal one. I needed to be on good terms with K because we still need to work together, and if she's mad at me then things I've worked really hard on over the summer will fall apart. M isn't satisfied by this and is furious at K.

Then later I send an email to one of the deans, K, and M concerning a program that M told me about. Apparently, I had misinterpreted the reason that M brought the program to my attention in the first place, and she would've rathered that I hadn't sent the email before consulting her. Argh. Clearly, in my good intentions some grief has backlashed onto me.

Well, I had to apologize to M, of course, and explain that the intent wasn't to usurp her student group's program, but rather to bring it up as an example/model to develop an elective curriculum on. After my apologies and explanations, M seemed more or less pacified. She at least understands the good intent with which I sent that email.

Why are women so hard to deal with?!?! With guys, decisions tend to come quickly and easily with no feelings hurt (usually). With women, one must take into account their MOODS.
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At least with small-ish issues, I can resolve things pretty quickly and have people forgive me fairly easily. It's the larger issues that tend to linger and dwell on my mind for way too long.

It's only the 2nd day of classes, and already I'm at wit's end standing dangerously near the precipice of sanity looking over the chasm of insanity.

Frustration by ~stabTyler on deviant ART