Mask of Silence and an Unspeakable

Everything that I keep to myself - personal thoughts, opinions, beliefs - is hidden under my Mask of Silence. Despite being more open to some people close to me, there are still many things that remain under this mask. The extent of the things under this mask is diverse and wide-reaching, from politics, to medicine, to ethics, to controversies, etc.

But it's ironic that I would feel so much more comfortable writing about things hidden under my Mask of Silence on this blog, but perhaps that luxury is afforded through my Mask of Anonymity. I feel one can learn so much about a person by how and what he/she writes. Pay attention to grammar, word choice, format, context, and you are essentially looking into part of a person's soul. So before I forget (and this has already been a draft for days now), I will write about a topic that came up 2-3 times in conversations (very briefly each time) that is an "Unspeakable" to me: (male) circumcision.
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Why do I consider this an Unspeakable? One, because I have a physical aversion to talking about it for extended periods of time. After I cross a certain threshold (or something like that) I start twitching a bit uncontrollably. It's like how some people have a physical aversion to vomit or blood, they just can't stand the sight of it. I just can't stand talking about this too long. There are very few things that bother me - I can watch a bloody surgery, talk about gross procedures and weird things, etc - but this really does bother me after a while. Two, I've learned that this topic can be very sensitive to a lot of people and I generally have little interest in getting into a heated debate about things. So I leave it alone for the time being (basically, I'm biding my time till I'm a physician and can influence people one-on-one).

Now, what about it? Personally I'm against circumcision for "non-medically necessary" and "non-religious" reasons. I make a special exception for religion because that's a whole another touchy area I don't want to trespass into. One of my philosophies towards medicine is: if it's not causing any problems (and probably won't cause problems in the future), leave it alone. There are many reasons why I'm against this procedure (I don't called it surgery; surgery, according to www.dictionary.com, is "the art, practice, or work of treating diseases, injuries, or deformities by manual or operative procedures," which circumcision isn't in the vast majority of cases) but where to begin?

I suppose I'll begin with by saying there's nothing wrong with having a foreskin. It's really not hard to clean and keep clean, so anyone who advocates circumcision for hygienic reasons needs to just shut up. And as long as it's clean, the guy's not significantly more prone to getting STDs or infections, and most studies support this. It also doesn't smell (much) most of the time. Besides, 70-80% of the world's men are uncircumcised; since no one hears a large proportion of them complaining about problems relating to their foreskins, it can only be assumed that problems occur rarely or are easily taken care of without surgical intervention.

Along this line, it's very disturbing to me that circumcisions are usually performed on a non-consenting infant within hours or days of birth. Words can't really describe how terribly upsetting it is for me to think that one of the first experiences for many males is unthinkable pain in an area of his body that's supposed to give so much pleasure. It wasn't too long ago in the US that doctors didn't routinely use anesthesia, so most infants felt the full pain of the procedure, in addition to the pain of recovery. And the thing is, circumcision is almost always unnecessary. No other "medical" procedure is performed on infants without proof that it can only benefit the individual, and only after something has gone wrong does that procedure then becomes necessary.

There are studies indicating that it might lower UTIs (urinary tract infections), but UTIs are easily treated and female infants get more UTIs than either circumcised or uncircumcised male infants, and women get more UTIs throughout life than men. So this argument for circumcision is rather null and void in my opinion, because nothing is done to/for women to reduce their UTI rates. And while there is a slightly increased chance of an uncircumcised guy getting a yeast infection (thrush), yogurt and good hygiene easily takes care of this. (Yogurt is pretty amazing, it can help prevent yeast infections.)

Recent studies also seem to indicate a reduced HIV contraction rate in circumcised men. There is no good cause-effect relationship for this, so I think this is a bit dubious. Until someone proves a cause-effect relationship, it might just be a really strong correlation. Correlations are among the most dangerous things in biology and medicine, because they may/may not be true and it's very difficult to tell. Besides, safe sex practices (like condom use) and good hygiene make circumcision practically obsolete in industrialized nations. It might be a good idea in Africa, where there's a lack of clean water (amongst many other problems), but it doesn't really apply to the rest of the world. Even so, infants aren't sexually active so they can't get HIV through sex. If a guy wants to get circumcised later to reduce his chances of getting HIV in Africa, by all means, he can do whatever he thinks helps. But circumcision is never a substitute for safe sex and condom use. And if you consistently use condoms, does circumcision really help? Not really, I think.

What's also disturbing to me is how the complications and risks from circumcision are so grossly understated. Since it's a surgical procedure, it carries with it the same risks as any legitimate surgery. This includes excessive bleeding, hospital infections (and if you get MRSA - the antibiotic-resistant staph infection - you're pretty much screwed), removal of too much/too little tissue, skin bridges (this one's really common, look it up), etc. Deaths have resulted from circumcisions, even in the US, at a rate of a handful per year. Most of the time the actual cause of death is from (or reported as) a secondary source, such as an infection or hemorrhage. Interestingly, the rate of complication/risk from circumcision is, on average, almost the same as the probability of the guy developing a problem with his foreskin if it were left alone.

And perhaps the most controversial aspect of the circumcision debate is sensitivity. Some studies vehemently state that circumcision does decrease sensitivity while others strongly oppose this statement. Logically, since there are many nerve endings in the foreskin, removing the foreskin will remove these nerve endings. And since nerve endings are the raw source of sensation, circumcision could reduce raw sensation and thus reduce sensitivity. Also, the foreskin protects the glans (penis head) from contacting the outside world more than it really needs to; so it keeps it a bit more softer and sensitive. All I know is, I can't stand to have my glans exposed all day long and I don't understand how anyone else can. Besides, not ever needing lube is a good thing, though I could choose to use some if I wanted and had the time/privacy.

So where am I now? Well, in summary, most guys worldwide are uncircumcised and the vast majority of them never have any problems. The foreskin is easy to clean and keep clean. It's painful for infants and it shouldn't be one of their first experiences in life. UTIs are easily prevented and treated anyway, so are yeast infections. Safe sex is so much more important than circumcision in terms of HIV (and any other STD). Circumcision comes with its own set of complications and risks that are too often understated. And circumcision logically would reduce sensitivity. Oh, and the circumcision rate in the US has fallen to just under 60% in recent years (with that rate being much higher/lower depending on the state).

Basically, as long as one's foreskin is working, he maintains good hygiene, and he practices safe sex, then there's really no good reason for circumcision in my opinion. I believe it should be the individual's choice if it's not for medical or religious reasons. Circumcision is irreversible. If a guy's circumcised and he doesn't like (or he suffers some complication from it), there's really nothing he can do. But if an uncircumcised guy doesn't like his foreskin (or has some problem with it), then at least the choice is his. Choice is one of the most sacred things in my mind; free will should not be shortchanged. As a (future) physician, I would refuse to do circumcisions unless there's a medical need or the person himself chooses it.
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This is actually a rather short sample of my argument on this issue, as not everything's coming to mind and I'm not using articles and studies to make/prove my point. If anyone's offended by this in any way, I do apologize but it is my opinion. But it's also not something I'll yield my position to easily, as it's not very easy to argue against me on this issue.

So, if no one comments, I'd like to return this Unspeakable back under my Mask of Silence until it's brought up again. I promise the next several posts won't be "heavy" and controversial.

Why Friends are Awesome

So, I've determined my sickness to be a really weird cold. Day 1 (Tuesday): the symptom was mostly a sore throat and a swollen right tonsil. You know, if you try, you can actually touch your tonsils with your tongue (and play with your uvula, that dangling punching bag thingy at the back of your throat), and that's how I know my right tonsil was swollen. Day 2: the sore throat had gone away, only to be replaced by a runny/stuffy nose. I woke up almost unable to breath with both my nose and ears plugged. Almost didn't go to my first class. Almost. Day 3: the runny nose has diminished a bit, but a cough is developing. What kind of illness has different symptoms each day?!

Today, I couldn't taste my breakfast. That was sad. I could feel the banana and yogurt in my mouth, but I didn't taste them. This was all due to having lost my sense of smell for the first half of today (stupid cold). At least coffee is strong enough to be tasted regardless. Mmmm, coffee . . .

Anyway, I'm so glad SR-F is a 2nd-year pharmacy student. She gave me drugs (I mean, medication), haha. It's great. She knows the dosage, so how much to take, and also if there were any adverse effects from taking some of them in combination with each other. I basically took a strong dose of Claritin that lasts 12 hours for my runny nose, and Tussin that lasts 4 hours for my cough. Alas, the Tussin is wearing off now. But anyway, this is why friends are awesome. Particularly friends who can help you with stuff. SR-F was like, "I feel like a real pharmacist." Aww, how cute. :P

Speaking of cute . . . ES-M is the very definition sometimes. Today after Chinese class, he was complaining about a headache and wanting to sleep, but he also wanting to be in the sun. I suggested that he could sleep in the sun but he said he can only sleep with his blanket. "Well, what if it's hot?" I asked. He said he'd take off his shirt and sleep with it off under his blanket. At this point I was practically mentally stripping him, haha (good thing people can't read minds).

I Think I'm Getting Sick . . .

Gah, I think I'm becoming weaker both mentally and physically. My immune system might've been compromised. I woke up this morning with an uncomfortable feeling in my throat. Since then, the back of my throat has gotten dry, irritated, and sore. And my right tonsil is swollen (I can feel it with my tongue). I took some cold medicine - doesn't seem to do much. I tried to see into the back of my throat to see if there were white spots on my tonsils, which could indicate strep throat; alas, I failed in that attempt. Perhaps I should drink more water.

I also woke up with a soreness in my lower ab region, for reasons unknown. Throughout the day it developed into a dull pain that persisted for most of the day. I took a Motrin and that made it a little better, and thankfully it's gone now. I need to learn medical stuff now, so it'll be easier to self-medicate, haha.

I don't know the root cause of my "weakened state." It might be a combination of only getting 5.5-6.6 hours of sleep for the last week and a half, compounded by stress from doing WAY too much in this little time, and perhaps mild depression (which would partly explain the general malaise). For the last week I've also been lifting successively less weight, which makes NO sense as I really should be improving. Sigh.

The Inevitable End

Yesterday I spent like 3+ hours late at night talking to my friend JW-M. Every now and then we have really deep conversations; it's great. And it's interesting how the conversation wanders from topic to topic. We talked about medicine and health care, we talked about politics and science, etc.

At one point we were both like, "Wow, we're seniors now. Where did the time go?" And it's kind of scary really. Some days it feels like high school was just last week, and other times high school felt like forever ago. Many days it feels like freshman year was just yesterday or the day before that. Yet when you think about it, it was also quite some time ago. There's like a disturbance in how we perceive time or something. How I wish I could just freeze an instant in time so I could better appreciate it, or make it last longer. And as JW-M said, "Before you know it, you'll blink and you'll be 80. And then you'll wonder where that time went."

That is seriously really scary to think about. One day you'll wake up and be old, and perhaps the next day you won't even wake up again. Death, the inevitable end. It's such a strange thing to think about. I can think of it in terms of other people remote from me, as a fact of nature, or in a theoretical way such as life after death. But I can't bring myself to think of a personal death, to imagine what dying or oblivion would be like for me, would feel like to me. To imagine about not thinking, not feeling, not breathing, not moving - it makes me shudder. Very few things phase me and make me shudder like this, but the concept of a personal death is one of them. I try my best not to dwell on it for too long.

At least I take solace in a few things. There are a few things that help me keep calm when discussing death. Again, one of them is biology. In biology, life is a cycle of birth, growth, life, reproduction, death, and recycle. And with all my heart I do believe that consciousness follows this same cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. Perhaps it takes the form of reincarnation, who knows. But that immaterial part of me, and of all living things, will forever exist in some form.

Also, one of the things people fear about death is that they won't be remembered, that all living memory of them will fade away. But I believe our very existence is sufficient. That we exist means that we interact with others, and thus touch everyone in our lives no matter how small and inconsequential it might seem. How we behave towards each other in this life matters, because that's all people will truly know you for; and perhaps, you will pass something on to them that will be passed down for many future generations. And our greatest legacy to future generations is perhaps our experiences and our memories.

This paragraph below is actually part of a passage from the verbal section of a practice MCAT exam I took (terrible, I know). But I feel like this sums up a lot of what I sometimes feel:
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Tonight I watch the sky, thinking of the people who came before me and their knowledge of the placement of stars, people who watched the sun long and carefully enough to witness the angle of light that touched a stone just once a year. Without written records, they registered the passage of the gods of night, noting fine details of the world around them and the immensity above them. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods. Behind me, my ancestors say “Be still. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.”

L. Hogan, Dwellings: A Spiritual History of the Living World. ©1995
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However comforting this is/may be to me, it doesn't reconcile the fact that life seems to be going by way too fast. So I've devised a particular activity, if you will, for this very reason.

So at this time, whoever is reading this, close your eyes and take a deep breath. What do you smell? Home? Your apartment? Autumn? Before exhaling, ingrain those smells into your living memory. Carve those instant feelings into an emotion and hold onto it, never letting go. Chances are, years from now you'll smell those smells again, though it may be in a different place and in a different setting. But when you do, remember the memories ingrained right now, let the smells trigger a flood that you should never try to stop. And tell yourself, this was a part of me, and still is, and will forever be.

~Aek

Mask of Duality

Another musing, this one on a most unique mask of mine - the Mask of Duality. I don't know if this is a mask that many people wear, or if they wear theirs to the same degree I do. My entire life seems to have almost been two lives that never quite consolidated into one. Too often I find myself standing on the bridge between two worlds, unsure of which way to go. Indeed, it's often a bridge I'd rather not leave.
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1. Culture
Being a Chinese-American automatically gives me a mask of duality. Here then I am a part of two cultures - Chinese and American. Here then I speak two languages fluently - Mandarin Chinese and English. Here then I am a part of an old heritage trying to fit into a newer one. I don't know if other Chinese-Americans feel the same way I do (but I bet they do), but it feels like I'm a part of both cultures and, at the same time, belonging to neither. How does this make sense?

Being a Chinese-American and trying to actively possess elements of both cultures, you're not quite a full part of either. If I were to go to China, it could become obvious really quickly that I'm American. Chinese people would see me as American. In contrast, I look Chinese in the eyes of many/most Americans. Somehow it feels like I don't quite belong.

An extension of this, many Chinese people (not to be confused with Chinese-American) I talk to are surprised that I'm fluent in Mandarin. They assume I immigrated to the US when I was young instead of being born here in the Midwest. They applaud me for being able to speak Chinese at all, but why the hell not? In contrast, many Americans almost expect me to be fluent in Mandarin to some degree, so it'd be really weird if I weren't. It's a rather annoying double-standard. But some of that is self-imposed. "We" expect other Chinese-Americans to be as fluent as we are, and it's widely held by Chinese-Americans that it's embarrassing for a "white person" to be fluent in reading and writing Mandarin over you' so we try to maintain our heritage to varying degrees.

This is why I love my Chinese 104 class over all my other courses this semester. Here then are 14 Chinese-Americans with similar cultural experiences as me. There's a special atmosphere in the class. We all laugh at the same inside jokes, we are able to communicate in both Mandarin and English, we all understand what it means to be a Chinese-American. Here then we gather for an hour four times a week and learn how to read and write Chinese, to "reclaim" a part of our heritage.

I've made peace with this cultural duality. It does confer a sense of specialness. Here I stand on a bridge between two worlds. To leave this bridge would mean embracing one and relinquishing the other. Would I become fully American and forsake my Chinese heritage? Or would I become fully Chinese and become a "fob" (fresh off boat, a somewhat derogatory term for Chinese-Americans who act like new Chinese immigrants)? No, I could never leave this bridge, I could never forsake one for the other. I will maintain my tenuous membership in both as long as I can.

2. Social Life
Another instance where I wear a mask of duality is in my daily social life. Since about 8th grade, I've had two "sets" of friends: girls, and guys. I don't know how or why I developed two such groups of friends, but I did. I would often go back and forth between the two since girls and guys didn't seem to mix as one group too often.

Some days (or time of the day) I'd be in the mood to hang out with one group over the other. There will be times where I spend all my time surrounded by girls. And other times where I only hang out with guys. In either case, it feels like I'm shutting out a group of my friends. It can feel awkward.

I remember my high school prom, that was interesting. I went to prom alone (I must've been the only guy to do so, it was quite embarrassing), yet I "hooked" up with 12-14 of my girl friends at a table (they also all went alone). It was fun as I took turns dancing with pretty much all of them. Basically, I was shared amongst a rather sizable group of girls. I was everyone's date, haha. Still felt awkward, though in a good way at times.

And all this time, nothing has changed. I still have a group of girl friends and a group of guy friends. It's just a bit awkward to be the only guy in a group of girls (though I don't let them know that), but I also sometimes feel like the odd man out in a group of guys. Trying to coordinate my time between the two groups is starting to get just a bit exhausting.

3. Sexuality
And here my mask of duality overlaps one of my masks of sexuality (no need to get into that here, as that was part of a previous post). It feels like I'm being pulled in two directions. Sometimes I'd be more attracted to a particular girl over certain guys, whereas other times it's the other way around. Sometimes I almost trick myself into thinking I'm just fooling myself, that I'm really just straight or gay instead of somewhere in between (it'd certainly be simpler I think). There have been some interesting developments as a result.

I now have ES-M's cell number, haha. And he called me today . . . to study. No problem, that's why he has my cell number in the first place; but I must admit, a part of me is flattered (pathetic, I know). He's such a sweet guy. So innocent, so nice, so cute and insecure . . . so freshman. I actually spend some time reassuring him that he'll survive his undergrad years and telling him that he just needs to find his place, that he's not stupid and all. Sometimes I get a daydream flash where I'd pull him to an alleyway and we'd kiss and such, and take away all his insecurities. Perhaps it's a good thing they're only flashes, I think I've been unconsciously flirting with him . . .

Now in another case, like my job, there are no attractive guys (to me) but there are two really attractive girls. It's honestly kind of hard to take my eyes off them when I should be helping everyone learn genetics. Sigh. I've come to realize and accept that I've "tiers" of attraction. Let's assume (though quite impossible) that we have two people, a guy and an equally attractive girl. All things being equal, I'll probably be attracted to the guy more. But, if a girl is downright more attractive than all the guys in my vicinity, then my attraction gravitates towards her instead. But am I just rationalizing? I don't know.
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So my Mask of Duality anchors me to this bridge between worlds (the metaphor of my life). On one side is Chinese, the other is American. On one side are girls, the other, guys. One side heterosexuality, other side homosexuality. I'm a part of both but a full member of neither. Sometimes I'm being pulled in two directions, causing me to almost live two lives back to back. It's a mask I sometimes enjoy and always appreciate, but it also wears me out.

Some Random Thoughts

Life has been rather dull lately since my last (and rather emotional) post. Ecology is still boring as almost everything I'm currently learning I've already learned in animal physiology, biochem, and genetics. Why am I taking this class again? Oh yeah, because I have to. Sigh. Evolution lecture is still as boring as ever, but at least I was able to finish my Chinese homework during lecture today.

Chinese is still great, I can write an entire post on how much I love Chinese (and any foreign language really). Okay, I must be some kind of an elitist in my Chinese class or something, as I'm the only one attempting to learn both Chinese scripts - traditional and simplified characters. And I'm still "lusting" over ES-M. He honestly needs help with his Chinese because he doesn't know how to write, at all. I'm almost practically throwing help his way (for other ulterior motives too) but he seems kind of oblivious to take me up on my offers. Again, sigh. At least after class today he waited until I finished talking to the instructor so we could leave together and talk. That was endearing, though he probably wouldn't have known. I think the main barrier to us "getting closer," particularly as friends, is that he considers me his senior and treats me as such in a somewhat Asian way (aka, with some weird kind of pseudo-formal respect).

On another note, I'm spending WAY too much time in the undergrad library. I pretty much come here between classes everyday and in the evenings, mostly so I can use their faster wireless internet. My apartment internet really bothers me as it's so slow. At least I'm going to the gym with JL-M and JW-M three times a week (And how could I not? I literally live next to the gym). This is very good for me as I NEED to lose like 15-20 lbs. We run about 1.5-2 miles then lift weights. I'm not into lifting at all, but I'll do it with friends. Maybe by the end of the (academic) year I'll be skinnier and buff-er, haha. Maybe then I can actually consider myself somewhat attractive.

Now I always browse the news on various websites daily. Two articles particularly caught my attention today and I'd like to share my thoughts. The first article was about dying languages and how every two weeks or so another language goes extinct. That's so sad! Languages tell so much about a culture. Like how conjugations in romance languages contrast so greatly with the non-conjugating Chinese. How in Spanish there are masculine and feminine words, whereas in Chinese there are masculine, feminine, and "animal" characters. How different languages greet people and say goodbye, it tells so much about people. This isn't even scratching the surface, but to lose a language is almost like losing a culture and it's so sad to me. If I weren't a biology major and pre-med, I'd totally be an anthropology/linguistics double major.

The second article was about God and the US Constitution. The article was basically saying that the Constitution was written for a secular country, not a Christian (or any other religious) country. Yes people, there is no mention of God anywhere in the Constitution and it's pretty clear in what it says about religion and maintaining secularism (aka, separation of church and state). An extension of this, I've always been uncomfortable with the "One nation under God" part of the Pledge of Allegiance, which was added only several decades ago. It somehow just felt wrong, I don't know how to describe it. And today's politics is filled with religion left and right. Why should all the presidential candidates have to profess their religion to gain voters? Why do they have to almost "prove" their religiosity? It's not fair, religion should be a personal and private matter, not public. And I've always detested the invocation of religion in controversial issues such as abortion and stem cell research. It clouds and blinds people.

Well, that was a rather disjointed post. It's reflecting the ADHD part of me today, lol. I do have a tendency to randomly (and quickly) change topics in conversations quite often. Speaking of conversations, something like the following came up between DvF-M and me the other day:

DvF-M: I'm not attracted to guys at all. I just don't see what's attractive about guys. This could be a slight disadvantage. I'm just too straight.
Me: Why?
DvF-M: If I don't know what's attractive in guys, I won't know what girls look for in guys. So I can't make myself attractive to girls.
Me: So basically you're saying that you were slightly attracted to guys or something, so you could see what makes guys attractive so you can become attractive to the opposite sex?
DvF-M: Yes.
Me: Well, there's always something like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
DvF-M: Oh God, I hope I'm not THAT awful. If I am, I hope you or someone, of either sex, would tell me.
Me: Haha. You need a touch of bisexuality. :P

A Gust of Wind, A Rustling of Leaves

So much has happened this week and it went by so fast like a gust of wind, but left me in its wake like the lingering rustling of leaves. Sometimes I'm a sucker for metaphors and similes, but whatever. I'm so glad no one I know knows about this blog (I think, if you're reading this and you know who I am in real life, please tell me!). Now, onto the three major events of the week.
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1. Recording Studio
So I agreed to play the cello part for my friend, CM-M, who composed this film music score for our mutual friend, JR-M. The instruments involved were 1 cello, 1 viola, 1 piano, and a vocal part. Needless to say, CM-M did a great job of composing a film score that fits perfectly with JR-M's short film. As the violist described the music and the film, "It's very emo." And it really is, but it's well-done.

It was a great experience having this opportunity to record this composition in our university's newly renovated sound studio. Engineers sometimes have lots of fun, haha. And it was also a good chance to catch up with CM-M since I hadn't seen him in a long while. He has changed A LOT since I knew him in high school. First of all, he lost a lot of body fat, so he got slimmer and put on some muscle. I don't think he worked or really exercised much, so I think it's mostly natural (damn, I wish that happened to me, I always have to work at things). Needless to say, I have a tiny man-crush on him.

And the violist was AMAZING. Like, the viola is the most under-appreciated string instrument largely because it doesn't have very good parts in an orchestra, and also because there aren't many violists that play the instrument well. I never figured why there weren't a lot of good violists, but good violists make the instrument sound insanely awesome. So anyway, the violist (SL-F), was really good. She was originally a music and engineering double-major, but that proved to be too much of a time commitment so she dropped out of the music school. But she is still really really good. And she has a really bubbly and blunt personality that you need every once in a while. Love her personality and I'm thankful for getting to know her, if only for just a few days. Needless to say, I Facebook'd her after we were done recording.

2. Sexy Chinese Guy
So I got the chance to hang out with Sexy Chinese Guy (who I'll now call ES-M) after class yesterday. We finished Chinese and were done for the day, and I was going back to my apartment to get my cello before going to the recording studio. He was headed the same way as I was and we were taking the same bus.

As we were walking, he was like, "Let's speak in Chinese, because mine isn't so good." So we did, and that was cool. I need the practice anyway. And we were talking, and I was translating stuff from Chinese to English so he understood me, and he stopped by my apartment, and I got to know him a bit better. I secretly really liked his company (and I'm also thinking I'm letting my crush get out-of-hand). He's such a freshman though, haha; he doesn't know where a lot of things are, he was tentative about coming into my apartment for the 2 minutes it took me to get my cello, and he was very polite and such.

Yeah, that was one of my highlights of that day. We got separated on the bus as so many people boarded. Oh well. Later on Facebook, I discovered that he has a blog. Being the curious guy I am, I read it. He didn't have that many posts so it didn't take long to read. Some things I've learned. He's very Christian and is part of the Chinese Christian group on campus. So yeah, Chinese Christians tend to be really conservative about certain things . . . Well, that pretty much eliminated any chances (however remote to begin with) of "me and him." Sigh (I'm almost certain he's straight anyway). At least we can still be friends, I'll settle for that.

3. Coming Out to SR-F
After a cello audition for a student-run orchestra today, I went on a walk with SR-F. I had been wanting to "come out" to her since like mid-August, and the opportunity never presented itself. I had asked her to join me at the library several times, in hopes of isolating her long enough afterwards to come out. In the end, I just said I had something really important to tell her, and needed a couple hours for it. So we decided on Friday after auditions.

So for the entire week I oscillated between really wanting to tell her, and really wanting to back out. But now it was the "moment of truth." So we walked around campus and talked about random things. For 2 hours. I kept delaying the inevitable and she kept asking me to just tell her. But somehow, I just couldn't yet. So I kept trying to divert her attention and we kept walking until it just got really cold and windy all of sudden.

So we decided to go to the school of environment building, which is actually really nice inside. We sat in the empty lounge area and talked some more. Then I was like, "I must tell her, I just need to get this over with." It was also good that she prefaced everything by saying, "I'm not going to judge you, you know that. Unless you murder someone, then it's kind of hard to not judge you."

Well, with that I began to slowly tell my "secret." I began with all the crushes (on girls) I've had since freshman year. And how last year when I really could've had a relationship with RZ-F but chose not to because I wanted to up my GPA for med school, I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I needed to sort things out. And we gradually got closer and closer, and I got more and more nervous. I rarely made eye contact and I was occupying myself by repeatedly bending and straightening this magazine I took from a nearby end table. When the time came, when I should've just said the word, I for some reason couldn't. But she said it for me, and that was a small relief.

From there, I don't know. We just talked more, and how it could possibly be my senior year and there was so much I still wanted to do. And now that I've waited till senior year, I feel like I don't really have the time nor energy to go out and meet new people and develop a (long-term) relationship. To be honest, she kind of "knew" since I wrote a LiveJournal post in a stream-of-consciousness way to confuse/slow the reader down. But she was never "sure" until it came from my mouth.

We then decided it was getting a bit late, and we wanted to avoid the random custodians that walked around. So we went to get some bubble tea. Mmmm, bubble tea . . . Before she left for the night, she kept telling me how glad she was that I told her. I knew she'd say that actually, because I know her that well. Somehow, this whole series of events doesn't seem like a relief. It feels surreal somehow, and while she had to practically drag it out of me, it felt like it was going so fast. Like a gust of wind, haha. And it left me behind wondering and feeling kind of empty, only a reminder of what had just happened (the rustling of leaves).

And I can't help but think that something between us had changed; not for better or worse, just changed. There was no going back. Will she still see/think of me the same way? Will there be those awkward moments now? Will this somehow leak out (though I know she would never tell)? Well, honestly I'm not keeping this a super secret; if someone asked me "Are you bisexual" I'd answer with "Yes." But you'd have to ask me.
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So that was my week, and now I'm insanely exhausted. I really need sleep, and many other things besides. Ugh, there's a football game tomorrow (we better not lose again). That'll suck away a sizable chunk of my weekend, time that I should perhaps utilize towards homework. And of course, the sad story of my life: every time I fall for someone, he/she is taken (by someone or something). One of these days, I will find someone who's just as alone as I am.