Monday, May 26, 2008

Halcyon Days

This post is actually kind of two posts merged into one - I meant to write one yesterday but never got to it . . .
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From the moment I left my apartment, I knew it was going to be a good day. As I stepped out from the stairwell into the open sun, I could feel its warmth basking my skin. It was still a bit cool out - in the mid-60s Fahrenheit - but I was excited that the days were finally getting warmer. I walked towards the diag, the central heart of campus.

I feel the spring days slowly rolling into summer. Everywhere people were out, but the density had dwindled significantly compared to the academic year. As I walked closer to the diag, I could feel the pulse of a campus still very much alive, content on living out the next few months in a lazy dream.

People sat at nearly every bench or on blankets on the grass. I walk under the shade of the trees for but a moment, and yet I could still perceive the cool shadows on my skin - still a bit too cool for me to actively seek its company. I close my eyes for a moment and I could smell the green grass, the maples and pines, the sunbaked concrete, the distance fragrance of flowers. I could feel the gentle breeze flow by me, brushing across the small hairs on my arms, encompassing parts of my fingers while leaving other parts of my hand untouched. It's as if the wind were trying to hold my hands as it moved by, as if trying to put a secret message in my hands.

I reach an unoccupied concrete bench. I could feel the warmth left by the sun on the concrete as I sat down. I could once again feel the sun's embrace once again as it beamed down from a sky with few clouds. I put down my backpack, took out a book, and began to read. Occasionally I would see a family with young children pass by. Sometimes they stopped at the fountain a little ways in front of me, playing by the sides. At one point two dads jogged by and talking, their toddler sons half-asleep in their strollers. Every now and then I would see a couple kissing, holding hands, and though normally I would feel lonely at this sight, I did not mind it much today. Nothing was going to get between me and my book. I welcomed the solitude.

Hours passed, I could feel the sun wanting to set. It was time for dinner anyway.
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The above was an attempt at prose-like writing, just something different to describe how I felt. Whether or not I achieved that depends on the reader.

Anyway, my Sunday was quite amusing. First I went to do laundry. Now, this in itself isn't remarkable. But first some quick background: my apartment uses laundry card keys rather than being coin operated or whatnot. I had $3 on my card, and I needed $4.50 to do 2 washes and 1 drying. So I debated whether or not to just wash and dry half my laundry, or wash half my laundry while hand-washing the other half and then drying both, or just washing both and air-drying all. I decided to take the last option. I took every cloth hanger I had and hung my wet shirts and jeans on them. I found a length of twine in my drawer, with which I made a drying line by tying one end on the frame of our bunk bed and the other to inside my closet. I was successful! I had my socks arranged in a neat ring on the sides of my laundry basket, and my towel occupied its own rack in the bathroom. Only time would tell . . . and now more than half a day later, I can say most of my clothes are dry (but it's way too late at night for me to fold them). So that was my silly laundry idea. Hey, if my parents could air-dry all their laundry back in their day, surely I can survive one day without a dryer.

By now it was about 1:30pm. I still hadn't eaten anything all day. I didn't feel as hungry as I probably should've been. I debated making eggs and toast, then French toast, then pancakes, then biscuits with nutella (except I don't have any nutella), and then to brownies (didn't have any brownie mix either - and I wasn't actually considering that an option). I kept going back and forth on these ideas. Finally I just decided to go out to a sandwich place to get a sandwich and a malt. That was a strong call.

I read some more outside somewhere on campus. I relocated myself a couple times as there are some very large bees residing in the area. It makes me nervous when they constantly fly near me for more than a few minutes. About an hour later, I get a call from SC-F asking to play baseball. I readily agreed, and 10-15 minutes later I was ready to go. I met her, JW-M and their friends for a game of baseball. Bear in mind I haven't touched a baseball glove nor a bat in just over 6 years. I didn't even have a glove of my own and had to borrow one of theirs. That didn't work out optimally as I'm left-handed and the only left-handed person there. That felt awkward . . . But all things considered, I did pretty well.

I ran/walked along the railroad tracks partway back to my apartment. There were "No trespassing" signs everywhere with severe warnings - I kept kind of thinking someone would shoot me. But I got back in one piece and rehearsed trio music with SR-F (violinist) and EA-F (violist). My apartment's rather dim, so I turned on several lights including some Christmas lights I had been too lazy to take down. I have a special place in my heart for Christmas lights.

Later, we went to go see the new Indiana Jones movie. It was alright, it was certainly different from the previous movies in many ways. But in some ways, it was exactly the same. Also something else I noticed: when did Shia LaBeouf become cute or - dare I say it - even kind of hot? My fellow blogger at Minding the Heart maintains it was Tranformers when he became attractive. Whatever the reason, I'm just a bit envious how he turned from that once-dorky/nerdy kid into someone quite attractive. Sometimes I wish I could undergo such a transformation with as much grace.

All in all, it was a pretty good and relaxing weekend. Though I still have laundry to fold . . . I'll do that in the morning. And I didn't finish my book, though I've only about 25 pages left to go. Yet another thing to finish tomorrow morning.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

22nd Birthday

Most of my birthdays have been rather underwhelming. For the last 4 years it's been after school has already ended and I'm already home for the summer. There aren't many people in my hometown that I'm particularly close to, so my birthdays tend to be celebrated at home with just my family . . . which is okay.

This year, however, I was still on campus for my birthday (now yesterday on 5-21). This was nice, as a few of my friends did stay in town for a while. So I had lunch with some and dinner with another group. That was fun. I had more dessert (mostly ice cream) than I've ever had in a single day. But hey, it was free! Now I need to work out hardcore, lol.

The highlight of my day was going to Borders and buying several books for my "someday shelf." My aunt gave me a $50 gift card to Borders last August when we visited them in California. I used up almost all that was left on that gift card today.

So I bought The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, all 4 books in a box set for $7.99. That's ridiculously cheap for 4 books!! I then later bought (at another Borders) Speaker for the Dead and Xenocide by Orson Scott Card for $7.99 each. Both Speaker for the Dead and Xenocide are sequels to Ender's Game that I finished reading earlier this week. My friend, JW-M, recommended that first book to me. I bought it, read it, and really liked it. So I bought its 2 sequels as well. There's a 4th book that I may/may not get, we'll see about that.

Right now I have like $2.39 left on that gift card. Since I participated in one of my university's studies by submitting a term paper, I got another $10 gift card to Borders. So I have a total of $12.39 left that I could spend at Borders. Not bad.

Lastly, I think some of my friends are getting sucked back into WoW. Sigh, and after they've denounced that game for years for its addictive nature. And I watch them play that game again as they alternately try to convince me to also start up again (with them) and telling me I shouldn't. I must resist. Besides, I have books to read!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Research!

On Monday I went to take my brother to visit my old lab, where he'll pretty be replacing me there. I've worked in that lab for the last 4-5 summers and have many fond (and some not-so-fond) memories there.

The boss of the lab took all of us (consisting of 3 undergrad students, 2 grad students, 1 post-doc, me, and him) to lunch at a local Thai place. It was pretty decent. Like many places, their "spicy" was totally not spicy. It was above mild, but not spicy. Everyone but me got mild or "no spice" (aka, bland).

So I was talking to one of the summer undergrads working there this summer, and suddenly she was like, "Are you 'Aek'?" I was like, "Umm, yeah, why? . . ." Apparently, she's working on one of the projects I was working on last year - the one on hypertension that was also a collaboration between my lab (in pharmacology) and a lab in physiology. She's been reading my notes and replicating my experiments to get more data. So she knows all about my work, haha! So far her results are consistent with mine, which is a good sign that I did things right the first time! Anyway, I was just amused that someone actually read my experimental notes and are putting them to use, rather than having them sit on the corner of a shelf collecting dust.

In my current lab, I've been doing things that makes me feel like my B.S. in Biology was actually being put to use. I've created an oligonucleotide with several sticky-end restriction sites in there, and I was good enough to even overlap some of the sites to conserve base pairs. I also re-designed 3 of my primers for PCR. Now I just need to wait for all my DNA to be shipped to me from some bio-tech company. That shouldn't take too long. I know this paragraph means little to nothing for non-biology majors and such, but the point is: it's good to know at least a portion of my undergrad knowledge is being put to use.

That's all, not a terribly exciting post.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Finally!

Alright, enough bated breaths, I finally told him. I finally came out to JW-M. Why did it take me so long? Why are those words so hard to say? Especially when I know the outcome?

We went to the gym. I wanted to tell him on the way. I chickened out. We went back to his apartment after the gym. I wanted to him then. But I chickened out. Inside his apartment, I basically became his shadow for the better part of an hour, following him around not saying anything, working up my courage (or something).

Then as he left for work, I followed him down the stairs. No one was outside (thank God) and I just blurted it out, pretty much as one long run-on sentence: "Hey, that thing I wanted to tell you last week well I'm going to tell you now I think I'm bi."

He stopped partway down the stairs and was about to turn around, saying "Okay, I'm not going to work." I couldn't let him do that, so I protested. We reached the bottom of the stairs. He apologized for being "insensitive" as I had been following him around as his shadow for the better part of an hour (which is rather creepy, as I never do this). I asked him to wait 2 minutes as I went to my apartment and changed out of my gym clothes, then I'd walk with him to work and we could talk along the way.

I could feel the twinge of tears coming, but those were swiftly suppressed. Along the way to his work he asked how long I'd known. I said probably since freshman year of university, but also that I threw myself into my work and academics to get my mind off things - make myself as busy as possible (and I don't even have a med school acceptance to show for it, sigh). And it's true, I've been throwing myself at things, doing things, keeping my mind occupied and distracted, so I didn't have to think about such matters.

He was like, "And here I was thinking you were depressed because some girl moved away." Well, that was kind of true and I told him that. I also told him how confused and awkward I felt, and of course he understood - I knew he would. He said he didn't want to pry, though a part of me wish he did. He was like, "I know I can be a dick sometimes, but I'm your friend and you know that. I'm here." And of course he'd respect my privacy in this matter, as I was clearly not comfortable having this be general knowledge (unlike his roommate for the summer, bi SC-F).

The whole conversation - of which parts are now blurry in my memory - only lasted about 10 minutes before we diverged off-topic to something more "normal." In any case, it's good to have it out there to him. I think I'll write an email to him thanking him.

A Weekend of Goodbyes

It's been a while since I last blogged. It's been a rather crazy several days, and not everything I set out to do was accomplished. But soon, very soon . . .
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Friday
On Friday, some friends and I went to my house about an hour away from the university to basically hang out for a couple hours. I didn't really want to go and all, but my parents insisted that I invite some friends over and whatnot. I was just like, "Fine." So JW-M, SC-F, SN-F, RZ-F, SR-F, and SP-M came over. Oh, and DC-M also unexpectedly showed up because RZ-F was running late and he gave her a ride.

It was actually kind of fun. We hung out, had a great time, my parents made way too much food. SP-M and his little brother who tagged along left early because they had to do something with his family (he lives a couple streets down from me, and was in town anyway). We were so stuffed when we all left. My parents also made me take most of the leftovers, of which there is still some . . .

After we went back to campus, RZ-F and SN-F wanted to go out to drink. They invited SC-F and me along. SC-F initially didn't want to go, but upon hearing that RZ-F could out-drink her, she couldn't refuse. I'm never drinking with SC-F ever again. She's too hardcore. Before we even left for the bar I had already drank like 7-8 shots. I didn't feel all that until about an hour later, but still. Oh yeah, SC-F's bi. Forgot to tell RZ-F that, and SC-F was hitting on RZ-F the whole time while inebriated, trying to kiss her and all. This freaked RZ-F out a bit.

We went to the bar. We got beer. I drank maybe one glass and stopped because I knew I had reached my limit. And reach my limit I did - it took so much effort to just walk straight and talk without slurring. I thought I had controlled myself pretty well all night, even though I felt a little sick and a little like throwing up. And just as we left, just as I was going to declare myself triumphant, I threw up a little in a bowl on our table and it overflowed. Just then the waitress came over. I was so embarrassed (or would be, if I were sober). I made it home, showered, and went to bed. I was a little hungover when I woke up but nothing serious. I didn't feel bad really, just my head felt a bit weird.

Saturday
RZ-F was leaving today. I woke up, felt a little hungover, did laundry. By the time my laundry finished I was fine. RZ-F, SN-F, and AG-F came over with half of my leftovers and together we ate most of them.

I then went to JW-M's apartment to hang out a little until RZ-F called. I went to her apartment to say goodbye and all. We took some last pictures, had some last bubble tea, etc. Her other roommate (other than SN-F), CM-F, wasn't going to say goodbye in person because she was at her mom's not too far away. Seriously?! It was RZ-F's last day before she flies back to California and you can't stop by to say goodbye because you're at your mom's, which isn't even that far away?! What kind of friend and roommate are you?! Anyway, RZ-F cried over that. And she cried when she said goodbye to SN-F - they both cried.

I went with her all the way to the airport. All the way there I felt like I was on the edge of crying, but couldn't quite get the tears out. It was kind of anti-climatic when we hugged and said our goodbyes. I felt emotionally distant inside - I felt like I should cry but couldn't. The whole way back I just had some emotionless expression on my face.

Little did I know, I was actually a bit depressed at her leaving. There were things we left unsaid, things that I had wondered "what if." It wasn't until I met up with JW-M and some others that he mentioned I looked rather down for some reason. This must've been it. Anyway, JW-M, others, and I went to watch Iron Man. It was a good movie - after I got over the fact that he had something in his chest where his sternum and his heart really should be. But whatever, as far as superhero movies go, it was pretty good and I really liked it. I recommend watching it.

Sunday
Nothing much happened. I said goodbye to SN-F, which was also sad but less so than with RZ-F. It was a rainy day, and colder than the last several days. I got a slight headache which felt like a pressure in my head - must've been the change in pressure. So I didn't feel that great for most of the day.

Then I went to practice trio music with SR-F and CB-F. I've never sightread so much music in my life as I did on Sunday. I went back to my apartment and sulked a little more.

Monday
Why this Monday was so busy is beyond me. I woke up, filled out some work forms (most of them anyway), ate some breakfast, and called MCW to find out where I was on their alternate list. I had my cell phone in my hand for like 5 minutes as I kept checking and double-checking the phone number I had for MCW. It was kind of nerve-wracking even though it really shouldn't be. I did well on the interview, how could I not be in the top quarter of the list? I finally called, and indeed I was in the top quarter of the list. Yay! Provided enough people drop their admission to MCW, I stand to have a really good chance to get in. Now, to write that letter of intent . . .

I went to research to turn in my work forms. Okay, so it's been a long while since I last filled out such forms and tax forms. I wasn't entirely sure what to write on them. I consulted AG-F, my friend who was also filling the forms with me, and together we figured out pretty much the whole thing. It took a while to get everything we needed and such, but in the end we both turned in our work forms. Now we're going to get paid for our time in the lab doing research! Yay!!

After I left, I went back to my apartment to send some emails. Then I went to the gym. Then more emails and some phone calls. Then I practiced my cello for about half an hour. Then I went to dinner with AG-F and AG-F (oh . . . there's 2 AG-F's . . . hmm, well let's denote one of them as AG-Fi for Indian). So I had dinner with AG-F and AG-Fi. After that we had some ice cream, and AG-F and I went to look for The Magic School Bus books in French and Chinese to give our respective researchers as gifts for their kids. It's actually quite difficult to find those books in foreign languages! And the Chinese Amazon.com is really hard to navigate because, clearly, my reading comprehension in Chinese is severely lacking.

Then I went to the library to send more emails. Do you see a pattern in my day? I've been coordinating between a lot of people. Really, I should be an administrator or something some day. Well, did that, watched last week's House MD on my computer, then went to JW-M's to hang out a little. Sent another email while I was there too.

Tuesday
Alright, today. JW-M and I were supposed to go to Border's to get our gift cards for participating in a study, and then have lunch around 11am. This was the opportunity I was looking for, the opportunity to have "the talk." Well that didn't happen. He wasn't awake. I went to his apartment, knocked on his door not opening in case his roommate was a asleep, and called him 3 times. I then proceeded to just go to where we were going to have lunch, but he wasn't there. I had lunch by myself and went to lab, feeling all down.

At lab I could barely function. Must've been because I'd been feeling down from earlier. I was trudging along, barely awake, feeling like I was walking in a haze. I left a bit early to go to Starbucks to get a caramel frappuccino. It took me forever to get there too. A couple times I felt like stopping to take nap, or something. Well I got my coffee, drank it, and was ready for my other job. I then proceeded to help people learn genetics for their exam this Thursday for 4 hours. It was pretty intense, as I just didn't stop. Kind of crashed afterwards.

I went to JW-M's apartment, as he apologized earlier for oversleeping (sometimes his alarm has this habit of being set but not going off). We decided to go to Border's when I got off work. So we went, the opportunity sort of presented itself but I didn't take advantage. Apparently Border's out of the gift cards we were going to get, but I got a book instead: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. JW-M recommended to me and urged me to buy it and read it. We then went to dinner, where the opportunity didn't present itself at all as anyone could overhear us.

Then we went back to his apartment. On the way, one of his roommates calls him telling him about the douche bag-y thing my roommate, DvF-M, did. Apparently, DvF-M walked into their apartment, sat down for a little bit, opened his laptop, started a download on Bittorrent, and left without saying anything. Seriously?! That's being a real douche bag right there. JW-M's roommates got pissed at this - since the download sucks up all the bandwidth - and locked their door. When JW-M and I got to his apartment, JW-M did a special funny knock to be let in.

Several times during the night DvF-M came by attempting to retrieve his laptop. He would turn the doorknob, find the door locked, and leave. He never bothered to knock. I should preface this by saying JW-M's apartment door is pretty much always unlocked as long as there's someone awake in their apartment. The fact that it's locked either means no one's there, no one's awake, or someone in that apartment doesn't want to be distracted (unless you knock, then it's usually okay). Well, that was amusing. DvF-M was downloading and streaming tons of anime, by the way. DvF-M never did get his laptop back this evening. He's asleep now.

There was a period of time this evening where the opportunity for "the talk" with JW-M presented itself. It was almost as perfect as it gets. Both of his roommates were in their respective rooms with the doors closed, we were downstairs, no one could overhear us unless we shouted, etc. Then JW-M started talking about World of Warcraft (WoW) and I got sucked into it. I think a part of me allowed myself to get distracted and sucked in. Sigh. And I haven't even played this game in over 2 years!
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So yeah, in the end I didn't end up talking to him about it. Sigh. And I keep meaning to, and I had a couple opportunities that I just blew. Why's it so hard? I know what his responses could be, and none of them negative. Still, why's it so hard for me to get into the right frame of mind to tell him? Why am I being weak at this?

I WILL tell him by the end of this week, somehow. I'll keep you guys updated . . .

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Foiled Again

Sigh. It didn't happen. Things didn't go according to plan. There were too many friends in one place who could overhear us easily.

However, JW-M still remembers that I had something to tell him, and (clearly) still wants to know. So this is "still on" until I do tell him. But only when the time, and place, are right. Soon, very soon . . .

Yes, it is THE talk. So many scenarios running in my head . . .

Leading Him On

It's not what you think, actually. I went to JW-M's apartment tonight around midnight. I was so tired for some reason, but I stopped by to talk for a couple minutes. After about 20 minutes of just sitting around, I got up to leave (he was working on his thesis anyway).

I mentioned that I had something to tell him, but that I'd tell him tomorrow. He was instantly piqued and wanted to know, but really I was tired and wanted to go back to my apartment. He protested and really wanted to know, saying that he'd be up till about 4am anyway. At this point I was out his door and he dashed after me.

He was like, "Will it make me sad?" No. "Will it make me happy?" Not really? I hated to do this to him, leading him on, but I did want to rest a bit.

So tomorrow (well, now today since I tend to blog so late at night) I will tell him what I've wanted to tell him for almost a year now. I've bound myself to this and I've made escape nigh-impossible. I don't know why, but it's kind of nerve-wracking when it really shouldn't be, because I'm confident of his response.