Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Strange Emotions

It's below zero here, when wind-chill is factored in. It's freaking miserable (to me). Even though I've lived here all my life, I'm still not 100% used to this cold. Stupid frozen northern Midwest state. Grrr, I mean, brrr.

The weather affects my mood more than it should. Of late, this cold weather has been making me feel something bordering on depression. I've been stressed and frustrated before, and more so than this with fewer effects on my mood, but I don't usually feel this, um, hopeless. As DvF-M says, "You're so little but so full of rage." (I'm not actually that short/little, he's just that tall. It's okay, he has bad knees, on top of other potential inheritable health issues. He can have his height, for all the good it'll do him.)

Anyhow, my depressive mood could be the result of many things compounding on top of each other. First of all, there is the weather. Winter is my least favorite season. And apparently I whine and bitch incessantly about it, especially about how cold it is. So I'll stop here with that.

There is the stress of things. I had been good with classes. Great, in fact. Was ahead in most of them by about a day or two, depending when I had a particular class. But this week will be rough. I basically need to be 3 days ahead in everything, because on Wednesday, I have a med school interview. In the middle of the week! And I didn't even get to choose my date. Sigh. So there's the stress of getting ahead or potentially lagging really far behind (not to mention the stress of preparing for another interview). Me studying/working this hard almost makes some of the people around me seem really lazy, even though I know they're not (some of them, anyway). But it's so frustrating - and it's a weird mind trick - to feel like I'm doing so much more than them.

Then there's the same issue I blogged about last time. Haven't done a single thing to advance in any direction on that. Not one. I suck hardcore at such things. Still right where I was half a week ago. It bothers me that I can't just "do it." I can't just put myself out on a limb, and say/do something, or talk about certain things, or open up in certain ways if I'm the one who has to do the initiating.

And at the end of the last few days, I just thought, what's the use of it all? What's the use of this if I'm just going to get old and die. And the world won't really be that much better anyway. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not suicidal and never have been. But I've watched some depressive-ish movies and read some news articles, and it just amazes me at all the horrible things we do to each other. But why? What's the point of all that violence, poverty, and death?

In my great books of China class, we're currently on Confucius. And he believed, along with most of the early Chinese philosophers, that people are innately good. And that people only need to find the Way in order to manifest that good and discipline themselves in order to form a perfect society. But that good is so hard to see some days, and the Way seems like a mere illusion. And it all just makes me feel so sad.

These words don't fully reflect what I actually want to say and feel. They're woefully inadequate and make me sound emo or something. And none of this actually reflect what I personally believe on anything; it just feels like it's all overwhelming me at once somehow. But really, I've been going to sleep the last couple nights with this weird - how should I describe it? - emotional pressure on my chest and mind, as if the weight of some invisible thing was wrapped around me.

Last night, I had agreed with JW-M to go to the gym. I was running late but still wanted to go. So I went up to his apartment in shorts and all. Again, bear in mind that it's below zero outside. And he didn't want to go. For some reason, I instinctively punched his wall with the side of my fist. That got his attention, and he was kind of shocked. And when I went to sleep later last night, there were tears in my eyes. Not like "crying" tears that stream out, but kind of like "there's something in my eyes" tears. Except there was nothing in my eyes. It was strange as I almost never cry. Maybe once a year, that's about it.

Today I'm much better. I think I'm getting used to it all and this depressive mood is wearing off. I'll be okay again soon, I think.

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