Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What Now?

I had debated internally about whether or not to blog this. However, I've come to realize that it's far better to write it down and have it sort itself out than to have it ferment inside my head. So this will be a massive mind-dump and I'll let the thoughts fall where they may.

To start, I've never been in a relationship, with a girl or (obviously) a guy. I think I get scared, or I'm uncertain, or something. Point is, I see it coming and I waver. This has happened in the past a couple times before. I don't know why I freeze up emotionally like this. It's weird and I try to rationalize it in a hundred different ways.

While I've settled on being bi with a tendency towards guys, I still don't actually know where I stand. I don't even know how to go about objectively determining this, as I'm still stuck in that very hazy (and broad) middle. Compound that with my no experience whatsoever. I think even if I did know I wouldn't really know how to proceed.

So several things lie before me. I sense the relationship coming from both ML-F and RZ-F (both girls, if you forgot my name coding). I think I sense something coming off me back at them.

ML-F is in my Chinese class. She's an English major with a French minor. She was in my Chinese class last semester and I basically convinced her to take my section (and indeed, the 2nd semester of Chinese at all) this semester. We get along great and it's been fun. We talk about such random things (like the abnormally fat squirrels on campus), albeit only briefly between classes. The other day she waited for me after class. This really isn't a big deal, though it was the way she said how she waited for me after class . . . it almost hints at something. Then again it could all be in my mind. But really, the only thing that makes that class worthwhile this semester is her. This could be me projecting something here, I don't know.

RZ-F is in my Great Books of China class, that I convinced her to take with me (I'm fairly good at these things half the time). She's a biology major, like me, and pre-med, also like me. We have lots in common actually, and somewhat of a history.

We got quite close to each other around last March or so. For a couple months some people suspected we were going out, as we went to each other's apartments to hang out and such for extended amounts of time. Sometimes, I almost think my parents secretly wished I would date her. She confronted me about this, as she did want something more. At the time I was just coming around to "forcing myself" to come to terms with my sexuality, and I really needed to concentrate on my classes to bring up my GPA a bit. So I backed off. Maybe too much.

Last semester we didn't really interact much at all except on Fridays. But this semester things are potentially escalating again. Last Saturday we studied together all day. Then we went to the gym together (though we worked out in different areas of the building). She had also invited me to her lab department's annual winter dinner. Of course, since she invited me as her guest, some people might conclude that I was her boyfriend. Afterwards we went to an orchestra concert (my insistence), which was a nice concert.

At the end of the night I went back to her apartment to watch a Chinese movie called Lust, Caution in English (though this movie has only Chinese subtitles and no dubs). It starred the amazingly talented (and hot) singer-actor Wang Lee-Hom. Anyways, I'm sidetracking. The point is, this movie is quite controversial because of its content. There were a couple scenes that literally bordered on porn (none with Wang Lee-Hom in it, such a shame). Well, RZ-F basically "watched" those scenes with a pillow covering her eyes as I "fast-forwarded" through. I didn't think about this at the time, by my friend JW-M said that it's somewhat of a big deal that she felt comfortable enough to watch it with me. He does have a point.

Today, she actually called, slightly upset, that I had told another friend I was going to the library to study and she had found out second-handedly. She wanted me to notify her the next time I was going so she could decide if she wanted to as well or not. I don't know what to make of this. Her classes are not difficult this semester so she doesn't really need to study. Something is definitely coming from this. The last time it started here, we ended up cooking dinner for each other every other 2 nights.

So that's much of the background. I know I'm not really that physically attracted (only mildly so) to either of them, but their personalities and everything else easily make up for it. But I also think personality is more important anyway. I had meant to ask RZ-F out at the beginning of this year but clearly, if I did, this post wouldn't exist. I guess part of it is self-esteem. I've never really considered myself to be attractive, and thus "unworthy" of being in a relationship. But is that what's stopping me? I'd like to think no.

So the choices lay before me. Ask ML-F out. Ask RZ-F out. Do nothing. It's a bit late now, being my last semester of undergrad, to seek out a gay/bi guy (somehow, I don't know any personally) and develop a relationship in this time (much less a friendship). I do feel like I should start somewhere. And while I consider myself bi, might as well start with "what's safe." Still, what now?


Mike said...

Hmm... I really don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you are at a crossroads like I was. This is how I was kind of feeling a year or so ago when I decided to just jump in and explore guys. I had a girl giving me all the hints, but I decided that it was now or never with guys.

Maybe you could go to the LBGT center at your school to see about their activities, perhaps meet people, or talk to someone. I dunno... I'm just throwing out ideas.

Aek said...

Thanks for your suggestions Mike! I probably just really need to talk to someone, anyone would do at this point.