Well, Crap

So the state of things: crap. I try to refrain from venting/ranting, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

The apartment: is a mess (by my standards). I guess it's not that bad considering 4 guys live in the apartment, but still. We have cardboard boxes in a huge pile that's been sitting near the door since we moved in. Yesterday and today, there was a weird fish-like smell coming from somewhere. I swear it must be AW-M, as he's the only one that eats fish (tuna) in the apartment. I hate tuna, it smells so bad so fast. Anyway, took out the trash while DvF-M Fabreeze'd the whole apartment. It's better now. Oh yeah, it also seems that DvF-M and I are the only ones who take things out of the dishwasher, put them away, and put all the dirty dishes that pile up in the sink into the dishwasher. That's getting really old really fast. The apartment also desperately needs to be vacuumed, as the last time was when we moved in at the beginning of September. Note to roommates: I AM NOT A MAID.

My health: I'm over my cold, for the most part. I've had this lingering residual cough for the last week or so. It's really annoying as it "flares" up at night and early in the morning. I've woken up in the middle of the night twice already hacking my lungs out. That is not fun. And while I've been going to the gym 3x a week with JW-M and JL-M, I can't help but feel like I'm still getting fat. Which really makes no sense, since I can see muscle developing underneath it all, and I don't eat that much (which makes me really hungry at random times), and I tend to eat rather healthy (i.e. I cook most of what I eat, so I know exactly what's going in). In any case, I still need to sleep more.

Social life: is scant. For whatever reason, I'm really out of the loop with all of my groups of friends this year. Somehow, my groups of friends has dwindled to 3 circles from more than 6 freshman year. This is very sad, as we all don't live in the dorms anymore (one of the few things I miss about the dorms) and live scattered on opposing sides of the campus. At least I've made time to see some friends, but it's just a bit weird that it's practically scheduled. Like Friday evenings at SR-F's and JW-F's apartment for dinner and watching the week's Heroes and House afterwards. Great shows those are; I don't watch much TV, but I watch those. I also used to watch Grey's Anatomy but haven't wanted to watch it since the actor who played Preston Burke left the show. That, and the drama's getting a bit ridiculous. Anyway, yeah, seeing friends really only a couple times a week is kind of depressing.

Family life: may be somewhat strained. Usually I don't mind talking to my parents on the phone, but I just can't stand their nagging in person. Now I don't even really want to talk to them on the phone. I know they mean well but it's so annoying. And some of the things they say makes me go "wtf." Like when my dad said my evolution and ecology classes weren't "real" sciences classes - umm, yeah, they are (they may not be "hard" science classes, but they are legitimate science classes). I know I'm getting frustrated and I can sense the rebellion in my voice when I talk, and I don't approve of this. I feel like I just want to be left alone for a while, except that's really just delaying things.

Non-classes: is alright, I guess. Research has started, and again my PCR (polymerase chain reaction, for anyone who's curious) isn't giving me clean results. I suspect contamination from somewhere, which would suck. At least one of my friends, AG-F, is working in the lab right next to me. It's good to have someone in your same "tier" to talk to. Normally I go in, do my research, then leave. But I can actually talk to someone now while doing stuff, and that's cool. She also let me have a mouse to practice a dissection on. The gory details are somewhat interesting (to me). I don't like touching mice when they're alive, as I fear they'll bite me. But once dead, it's like "whatever." I decapitate the mouse, then bisect the head, then scoop out the brains from each side, then I take out the cochlea which is part of the inner ear. This part wasn't so hard. Now, to clean the cochlea of surrounding tissue under a microscope using a tweezer as a blade . . . needless to say, I completely crushed one of the cochleas I extracted. It sounds gruesome, and it is. It's definitely not something I want to be doing often.

Anyway, other non-class stuff. My tutoring-like job has been going well so far (I say tutoring-like because it's not really tutoring, since we're forbidden to give answers to anything). I led a review session for their genetics exam this last Monday. I hope they all did well. Pops Orchestra has been meh as usual (at least it's better than last year ::shudders::). The music is alright, but the cellos sometimes get shafted in that we play like one note with differing rhythms the whole piece. Sometimes I feel like quitting, but since I sit 4th chair, that'd look really really bad. But, String Orchestra is amazing. It's such a close-knit group by comparison, and is really just a chamber strings group. We have an excellent selection of music, which is also pleasantly challenging for all members. It was a good idea for JW-F to come up with and create this group, with some help from SR-F and a tiny bit from me. There's a very intimate feeling when you're playing in an ensemble, like you let your music speak for you as you harmonize with everyone else.

I could do a whole post on music, and perhaps that's what I'll blog about next. Now, I think I'll relax by masturbating or something (see Cody, I'm making time for it, sort of) and then sleep. Ugh, it's almost 3am. How did that happen?

The Many Layers

I saw this on ES-M's blog several days ago and thought it was something fun to do. Still crushing hard over him. Alas.

Layer 1: On the Outside
Name: Aek (no real name here, haha)
Birth date: May 21, 1986
Current status: Single. Available. Desperate. S.A.D. (I took this from ES-M's response, cuz it's so great and fitting)

Eye color: dark brown
Hair color: dark brown (for being Chinese, it's not black anymore - it's gotten lighter in the last several years)

Layer 2: On the Inside
My heritage: Chinese-American
My fear: immediate fear - not getting into med school; ultimate fear - dying alone of some uncomfortable/painful terminal illness (or there not being an afterlife, I suppose)
My weakness: chocolate, cheesecake, any good food
My perfect pizza: hmm, chicken with pineapples as toppings

Layer 3: Yesterday, Today, & Tomorrow
First thought upon waking up: hmm, it's only 8:30am, time to hit the snooze button
My bedtime: yesterday - around 2am, today - before 2am but after 1am, tomorrow - hopefully sometime before 1:30am
My most missed memories: randomly getting pizza with JW-M and JL-M after midnight in the dorms throughout freshman year

Layer 4: My Pick
Coke or Pepsi: it changes from time to time, but usually Coke I think
Single or group dates: single dates, I would feel awkward otherwise though I've no experiences one way or the other
Adidas or Nike: Nike I guess
Tea or Nestea: tea, wtf is Nestea?
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla as flavoring, but I like chocolate itself
Cappuccino or coffee: probably cappuccinos when I can, but I don't drink too often

Layer 5: Do You . . .
Smoke: hell no, that's so nasty
Take a shower: I shower every night right before I sleep, sometimes I shower sometime during the day as well if I had sweat a lot
Go to school: yeah
Believe in yourself: depends, but usually
Think you're a health freak: largely yeah, but that might come as part of the pre-med package

Layer 6: In the Past
Drink alcohol: of course but very infrequently, my limit is somewhere below 12 shots (of tequila) but above 7; I've fairly high tolerance for an Asian I think
Gone to the mall: yeah, but I try to avoid it if possible
Dyed your hair: nope, and don't think I will

Layer 7: Are You Hoping to . . .
Get married: hopefully, I mean I want to someday
Have children: planning on it, I mean I really want kids someday

Layer 8: In a Guy (or Girl)
Best eye color: depends on the person, though I think green eyes are really beautiful
Best hair color: depends on the person
Short or long hair: generally shorter in guys, longer in girls

Layer 9: What Were You Doing Just Now?
A minute ago: writing this on my blog
An hour ago: writing out an outline for my Chinese class in JW-M's apartment
A month ago: umm, stressing out
A year ago: hmm, probably enjoying my junior year fall semester

Layer 10:
I love: life, good food, good friends, good conversations, music, biology, and the list goes on
I hate: war, hypocrisy, idiots, my body (I'm working on it), my voice (a bit high-pitched), and the list goes on
I hide: my emotions, my inner thoughts, many of my opinions

Layer 11: Tag 5 People
I won't subject anyone to this. If after you've read this and decide to waste time on writing your own, I'll be happy to read it. XD

---TANGENT---
So several of the blogs I read/have read suddenly have restricted access, like Coming Out Nick and Micifus. This makes me really sad. Since I'm a casual blog reader that doesn't usually leave comments and such, I feel awkward emailing/contacting the authors of the blog for access. Plus I don't know how to contact them since that info's generally on their blog somewhere. Sigh, I like their blogs too. At least I resolve that I won't restrict access to my blog.
---END TANGENT---

Mask of Silence and an Unspeakable

Everything that I keep to myself - personal thoughts, opinions, beliefs - is hidden under my Mask of Silence. Despite being more open to some people close to me, there are still many things that remain under this mask. The extent of the things under this mask is diverse and wide-reaching, from politics, to medicine, to ethics, to controversies, etc.

But it's ironic that I would feel so much more comfortable writing about things hidden under my Mask of Silence on this blog, but perhaps that luxury is afforded through my Mask of Anonymity. I feel one can learn so much about a person by how and what he/she writes. Pay attention to grammar, word choice, format, context, and you are essentially looking into part of a person's soul. So before I forget (and this has already been a draft for days now), I will write about a topic that came up 2-3 times in conversations (very briefly each time) that is an "Unspeakable" to me: (male) circumcision.
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Why do I consider this an Unspeakable? One, because I have a physical aversion to talking about it for extended periods of time. After I cross a certain threshold (or something like that) I start twitching a bit uncontrollably. It's like how some people have a physical aversion to vomit or blood, they just can't stand the sight of it. I just can't stand talking about this too long. There are very few things that bother me - I can watch a bloody surgery, talk about gross procedures and weird things, etc - but this really does bother me after a while. Two, I've learned that this topic can be very sensitive to a lot of people and I generally have little interest in getting into a heated debate about things. So I leave it alone for the time being (basically, I'm biding my time till I'm a physician and can influence people one-on-one).

Now, what about it? Personally I'm against circumcision for "non-medically necessary" and "non-religious" reasons. I make a special exception for religion because that's a whole another touchy area I don't want to trespass into. One of my philosophies towards medicine is: if it's not causing any problems (and probably won't cause problems in the future), leave it alone. There are many reasons why I'm against this procedure (I don't called it surgery; surgery, according to www.dictionary.com, is "the art, practice, or work of treating diseases, injuries, or deformities by manual or operative procedures," which circumcision isn't in the vast majority of cases) but where to begin?

I suppose I'll begin with by saying there's nothing wrong with having a foreskin. It's really not hard to clean and keep clean, so anyone who advocates circumcision for hygienic reasons needs to just shut up. And as long as it's clean, the guy's not significantly more prone to getting STDs or infections, and most studies support this. It also doesn't smell (much) most of the time. Besides, 70-80% of the world's men are uncircumcised; since no one hears a large proportion of them complaining about problems relating to their foreskins, it can only be assumed that problems occur rarely or are easily taken care of without surgical intervention.

Along this line, it's very disturbing to me that circumcisions are usually performed on a non-consenting infant within hours or days of birth. Words can't really describe how terribly upsetting it is for me to think that one of the first experiences for many males is unthinkable pain in an area of his body that's supposed to give so much pleasure. It wasn't too long ago in the US that doctors didn't routinely use anesthesia, so most infants felt the full pain of the procedure, in addition to the pain of recovery. And the thing is, circumcision is almost always unnecessary. No other "medical" procedure is performed on infants without proof that it can only benefit the individual, and only after something has gone wrong does that procedure then becomes necessary.

There are studies indicating that it might lower UTIs (urinary tract infections), but UTIs are easily treated and female infants get more UTIs than either circumcised or uncircumcised male infants, and women get more UTIs throughout life than men. So this argument for circumcision is rather null and void in my opinion, because nothing is done to/for women to reduce their UTI rates. And while there is a slightly increased chance of an uncircumcised guy getting a yeast infection (thrush), yogurt and good hygiene easily takes care of this. (Yogurt is pretty amazing, it can help prevent yeast infections.)

Recent studies also seem to indicate a reduced HIV contraction rate in circumcised men. There is no good cause-effect relationship for this, so I think this is a bit dubious. Until someone proves a cause-effect relationship, it might just be a really strong correlation. Correlations are among the most dangerous things in biology and medicine, because they may/may not be true and it's very difficult to tell. Besides, safe sex practices (like condom use) and good hygiene make circumcision practically obsolete in industrialized nations. It might be a good idea in Africa, where there's a lack of clean water (amongst many other problems), but it doesn't really apply to the rest of the world. Even so, infants aren't sexually active so they can't get HIV through sex. If a guy wants to get circumcised later to reduce his chances of getting HIV in Africa, by all means, he can do whatever he thinks helps. But circumcision is never a substitute for safe sex and condom use. And if you consistently use condoms, does circumcision really help? Not really, I think.

What's also disturbing to me is how the complications and risks from circumcision are so grossly understated. Since it's a surgical procedure, it carries with it the same risks as any legitimate surgery. This includes excessive bleeding, hospital infections (and if you get MRSA - the antibiotic-resistant staph infection - you're pretty much screwed), removal of too much/too little tissue, skin bridges (this one's really common, look it up), etc. Deaths have resulted from circumcisions, even in the US, at a rate of a handful per year. Most of the time the actual cause of death is from (or reported as) a secondary source, such as an infection or hemorrhage. Interestingly, the rate of complication/risk from circumcision is, on average, almost the same as the probability of the guy developing a problem with his foreskin if it were left alone.

And perhaps the most controversial aspect of the circumcision debate is sensitivity. Some studies vehemently state that circumcision does decrease sensitivity while others strongly oppose this statement. Logically, since there are many nerve endings in the foreskin, removing the foreskin will remove these nerve endings. And since nerve endings are the raw source of sensation, circumcision could reduce raw sensation and thus reduce sensitivity. Also, the foreskin protects the glans (penis head) from contacting the outside world more than it really needs to; so it keeps it a bit more softer and sensitive. All I know is, I can't stand to have my glans exposed all day long and I don't understand how anyone else can. Besides, not ever needing lube is a good thing, though I could choose to use some if I wanted and had the time/privacy.

So where am I now? Well, in summary, most guys worldwide are uncircumcised and the vast majority of them never have any problems. The foreskin is easy to clean and keep clean. It's painful for infants and it shouldn't be one of their first experiences in life. UTIs are easily prevented and treated anyway, so are yeast infections. Safe sex is so much more important than circumcision in terms of HIV (and any other STD). Circumcision comes with its own set of complications and risks that are too often understated. And circumcision logically would reduce sensitivity. Oh, and the circumcision rate in the US has fallen to just under 60% in recent years (with that rate being much higher/lower depending on the state).

Basically, as long as one's foreskin is working, he maintains good hygiene, and he practices safe sex, then there's really no good reason for circumcision in my opinion. I believe it should be the individual's choice if it's not for medical or religious reasons. Circumcision is irreversible. If a guy's circumcised and he doesn't like (or he suffers some complication from it), there's really nothing he can do. But if an uncircumcised guy doesn't like his foreskin (or has some problem with it), then at least the choice is his. Choice is one of the most sacred things in my mind; free will should not be shortchanged. As a (future) physician, I would refuse to do circumcisions unless there's a medical need or the person himself chooses it.
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This is actually a rather short sample of my argument on this issue, as not everything's coming to mind and I'm not using articles and studies to make/prove my point. If anyone's offended by this in any way, I do apologize but it is my opinion. But it's also not something I'll yield my position to easily, as it's not very easy to argue against me on this issue.

So, if no one comments, I'd like to return this Unspeakable back under my Mask of Silence until it's brought up again. I promise the next several posts won't be "heavy" and controversial.

Why Friends are Awesome

So, I've determined my sickness to be a really weird cold. Day 1 (Tuesday): the symptom was mostly a sore throat and a swollen right tonsil. You know, if you try, you can actually touch your tonsils with your tongue (and play with your uvula, that dangling punching bag thingy at the back of your throat), and that's how I know my right tonsil was swollen. Day 2: the sore throat had gone away, only to be replaced by a runny/stuffy nose. I woke up almost unable to breath with both my nose and ears plugged. Almost didn't go to my first class. Almost. Day 3: the runny nose has diminished a bit, but a cough is developing. What kind of illness has different symptoms each day?!

Today, I couldn't taste my breakfast. That was sad. I could feel the banana and yogurt in my mouth, but I didn't taste them. This was all due to having lost my sense of smell for the first half of today (stupid cold). At least coffee is strong enough to be tasted regardless. Mmmm, coffee . . .

Anyway, I'm so glad SR-F is a 2nd-year pharmacy student. She gave me drugs (I mean, medication), haha. It's great. She knows the dosage, so how much to take, and also if there were any adverse effects from taking some of them in combination with each other. I basically took a strong dose of Claritin that lasts 12 hours for my runny nose, and Tussin that lasts 4 hours for my cough. Alas, the Tussin is wearing off now. But anyway, this is why friends are awesome. Particularly friends who can help you with stuff. SR-F was like, "I feel like a real pharmacist." Aww, how cute. :P

Speaking of cute . . . ES-M is the very definition sometimes. Today after Chinese class, he was complaining about a headache and wanting to sleep, but he also wanting to be in the sun. I suggested that he could sleep in the sun but he said he can only sleep with his blanket. "Well, what if it's hot?" I asked. He said he'd take off his shirt and sleep with it off under his blanket. At this point I was practically mentally stripping him, haha (good thing people can't read minds).

I Think I'm Getting Sick . . .

Gah, I think I'm becoming weaker both mentally and physically. My immune system might've been compromised. I woke up this morning with an uncomfortable feeling in my throat. Since then, the back of my throat has gotten dry, irritated, and sore. And my right tonsil is swollen (I can feel it with my tongue). I took some cold medicine - doesn't seem to do much. I tried to see into the back of my throat to see if there were white spots on my tonsils, which could indicate strep throat; alas, I failed in that attempt. Perhaps I should drink more water.

I also woke up with a soreness in my lower ab region, for reasons unknown. Throughout the day it developed into a dull pain that persisted for most of the day. I took a Motrin and that made it a little better, and thankfully it's gone now. I need to learn medical stuff now, so it'll be easier to self-medicate, haha.

I don't know the root cause of my "weakened state." It might be a combination of only getting 5.5-6.6 hours of sleep for the last week and a half, compounded by stress from doing WAY too much in this little time, and perhaps mild depression (which would partly explain the general malaise). For the last week I've also been lifting successively less weight, which makes NO sense as I really should be improving. Sigh.

The Inevitable End

Yesterday I spent like 3+ hours late at night talking to my friend JW-M. Every now and then we have really deep conversations; it's great. And it's interesting how the conversation wanders from topic to topic. We talked about medicine and health care, we talked about politics and science, etc.

At one point we were both like, "Wow, we're seniors now. Where did the time go?" And it's kind of scary really. Some days it feels like high school was just last week, and other times high school felt like forever ago. Many days it feels like freshman year was just yesterday or the day before that. Yet when you think about it, it was also quite some time ago. There's like a disturbance in how we perceive time or something. How I wish I could just freeze an instant in time so I could better appreciate it, or make it last longer. And as JW-M said, "Before you know it, you'll blink and you'll be 80. And then you'll wonder where that time went."

That is seriously really scary to think about. One day you'll wake up and be old, and perhaps the next day you won't even wake up again. Death, the inevitable end. It's such a strange thing to think about. I can think of it in terms of other people remote from me, as a fact of nature, or in a theoretical way such as life after death. But I can't bring myself to think of a personal death, to imagine what dying or oblivion would be like for me, would feel like to me. To imagine about not thinking, not feeling, not breathing, not moving - it makes me shudder. Very few things phase me and make me shudder like this, but the concept of a personal death is one of them. I try my best not to dwell on it for too long.

At least I take solace in a few things. There are a few things that help me keep calm when discussing death. Again, one of them is biology. In biology, life is a cycle of birth, growth, life, reproduction, death, and recycle. And with all my heart I do believe that consciousness follows this same cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. Perhaps it takes the form of reincarnation, who knows. But that immaterial part of me, and of all living things, will forever exist in some form.

Also, one of the things people fear about death is that they won't be remembered, that all living memory of them will fade away. But I believe our very existence is sufficient. That we exist means that we interact with others, and thus touch everyone in our lives no matter how small and inconsequential it might seem. How we behave towards each other in this life matters, because that's all people will truly know you for; and perhaps, you will pass something on to them that will be passed down for many future generations. And our greatest legacy to future generations is perhaps our experiences and our memories.

This paragraph below is actually part of a passage from the verbal section of a practice MCAT exam I took (terrible, I know). But I feel like this sums up a lot of what I sometimes feel:
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Tonight I watch the sky, thinking of the people who came before me and their knowledge of the placement of stars, people who watched the sun long and carefully enough to witness the angle of light that touched a stone just once a year. Without written records, they registered the passage of the gods of night, noting fine details of the world around them and the immensity above them. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods. Behind me, my ancestors say “Be still. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.”

L. Hogan, Dwellings: A Spiritual History of the Living World. ©1995
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However comforting this is/may be to me, it doesn't reconcile the fact that life seems to be going by way too fast. So I've devised a particular activity, if you will, for this very reason.

So at this time, whoever is reading this, close your eyes and take a deep breath. What do you smell? Home? Your apartment? Autumn? Before exhaling, ingrain those smells into your living memory. Carve those instant feelings into an emotion and hold onto it, never letting go. Chances are, years from now you'll smell those smells again, though it may be in a different place and in a different setting. But when you do, remember the memories ingrained right now, let the smells trigger a flood that you should never try to stop. And tell yourself, this was a part of me, and still is, and will forever be.

~Aek

Mask of Duality

Another musing, this one on a most unique mask of mine - the Mask of Duality. I don't know if this is a mask that many people wear, or if they wear theirs to the same degree I do. My entire life seems to have almost been two lives that never quite consolidated into one. Too often I find myself standing on the bridge between two worlds, unsure of which way to go. Indeed, it's often a bridge I'd rather not leave.
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1. Culture
Being a Chinese-American automatically gives me a mask of duality. Here then I am a part of two cultures - Chinese and American. Here then I speak two languages fluently - Mandarin Chinese and English. Here then I am a part of an old heritage trying to fit into a newer one. I don't know if other Chinese-Americans feel the same way I do (but I bet they do), but it feels like I'm a part of both cultures and, at the same time, belonging to neither. How does this make sense?

Being a Chinese-American and trying to actively possess elements of both cultures, you're not quite a full part of either. If I were to go to China, it could become obvious really quickly that I'm American. Chinese people would see me as American. In contrast, I look Chinese in the eyes of many/most Americans. Somehow it feels like I don't quite belong.

An extension of this, many Chinese people (not to be confused with Chinese-American) I talk to are surprised that I'm fluent in Mandarin. They assume I immigrated to the US when I was young instead of being born here in the Midwest. They applaud me for being able to speak Chinese at all, but why the hell not? In contrast, many Americans almost expect me to be fluent in Mandarin to some degree, so it'd be really weird if I weren't. It's a rather annoying double-standard. But some of that is self-imposed. "We" expect other Chinese-Americans to be as fluent as we are, and it's widely held by Chinese-Americans that it's embarrassing for a "white person" to be fluent in reading and writing Mandarin over you' so we try to maintain our heritage to varying degrees.

This is why I love my Chinese 104 class over all my other courses this semester. Here then are 14 Chinese-Americans with similar cultural experiences as me. There's a special atmosphere in the class. We all laugh at the same inside jokes, we are able to communicate in both Mandarin and English, we all understand what it means to be a Chinese-American. Here then we gather for an hour four times a week and learn how to read and write Chinese, to "reclaim" a part of our heritage.

I've made peace with this cultural duality. It does confer a sense of specialness. Here I stand on a bridge between two worlds. To leave this bridge would mean embracing one and relinquishing the other. Would I become fully American and forsake my Chinese heritage? Or would I become fully Chinese and become a "fob" (fresh off boat, a somewhat derogatory term for Chinese-Americans who act like new Chinese immigrants)? No, I could never leave this bridge, I could never forsake one for the other. I will maintain my tenuous membership in both as long as I can.

2. Social Life
Another instance where I wear a mask of duality is in my daily social life. Since about 8th grade, I've had two "sets" of friends: girls, and guys. I don't know how or why I developed two such groups of friends, but I did. I would often go back and forth between the two since girls and guys didn't seem to mix as one group too often.

Some days (or time of the day) I'd be in the mood to hang out with one group over the other. There will be times where I spend all my time surrounded by girls. And other times where I only hang out with guys. In either case, it feels like I'm shutting out a group of my friends. It can feel awkward.

I remember my high school prom, that was interesting. I went to prom alone (I must've been the only guy to do so, it was quite embarrassing), yet I "hooked" up with 12-14 of my girl friends at a table (they also all went alone). It was fun as I took turns dancing with pretty much all of them. Basically, I was shared amongst a rather sizable group of girls. I was everyone's date, haha. Still felt awkward, though in a good way at times.

And all this time, nothing has changed. I still have a group of girl friends and a group of guy friends. It's just a bit awkward to be the only guy in a group of girls (though I don't let them know that), but I also sometimes feel like the odd man out in a group of guys. Trying to coordinate my time between the two groups is starting to get just a bit exhausting.

3. Sexuality
And here my mask of duality overlaps one of my masks of sexuality (no need to get into that here, as that was part of a previous post). It feels like I'm being pulled in two directions. Sometimes I'd be more attracted to a particular girl over certain guys, whereas other times it's the other way around. Sometimes I almost trick myself into thinking I'm just fooling myself, that I'm really just straight or gay instead of somewhere in between (it'd certainly be simpler I think). There have been some interesting developments as a result.

I now have ES-M's cell number, haha. And he called me today . . . to study. No problem, that's why he has my cell number in the first place; but I must admit, a part of me is flattered (pathetic, I know). He's such a sweet guy. So innocent, so nice, so cute and insecure . . . so freshman. I actually spend some time reassuring him that he'll survive his undergrad years and telling him that he just needs to find his place, that he's not stupid and all. Sometimes I get a daydream flash where I'd pull him to an alleyway and we'd kiss and such, and take away all his insecurities. Perhaps it's a good thing they're only flashes, I think I've been unconsciously flirting with him . . .

Now in another case, like my job, there are no attractive guys (to me) but there are two really attractive girls. It's honestly kind of hard to take my eyes off them when I should be helping everyone learn genetics. Sigh. I've come to realize and accept that I've "tiers" of attraction. Let's assume (though quite impossible) that we have two people, a guy and an equally attractive girl. All things being equal, I'll probably be attracted to the guy more. But, if a girl is downright more attractive than all the guys in my vicinity, then my attraction gravitates towards her instead. But am I just rationalizing? I don't know.
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So my Mask of Duality anchors me to this bridge between worlds (the metaphor of my life). On one side is Chinese, the other is American. On one side are girls, the other, guys. One side heterosexuality, other side homosexuality. I'm a part of both but a full member of neither. Sometimes I'm being pulled in two directions, causing me to almost live two lives back to back. It's a mask I sometimes enjoy and always appreciate, but it also wears me out.