Officially an MD!! Now What?

Last Thursday: Was hooded by my faculty adviser.  Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).

Last Friday:  Graduated!!  Now officially an MD, woohoo!!

Last Saturday:  Pack pack pack.  Friend's wedding.  Pack.

Sunday:  Pack pack pack.  Last brunch with friends in town.  Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.

Today:  Happy Birthday to me!  Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever.  It was pretty chill.  Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good.  :-)

The Next Stage

Wow.  Graduation is in less than a week.  In less than a week I'll have my MD.  And in a month from yesterday I'll start orientation for residency in a state across the country (at least it's not as far away as Alaska or Hawaii? lol).

The last 3 months have flown by.  It's like I blinked and I'm here.  Doesn't help that it's still a bit cold outside even now in May, haha.  I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for this next stage - for financial independence, for having a real job, for being responsible for the life (and death) of patients.  It's only in retrospect that I can appreciate how far I've come, but I've still got a ways to go in so many respects.

I was never one of those people who hurried to grow up.  In fact, just the opposite.  I did NOT want to grow up.  Childhood is so short, adulthood is so long and fraught with issues that no one else can solve but you.  Maybe this is part of the reason why I'm doing pediatrics, who knows.

At these critical junctions I find myself reflecting in nostalgia - what would and could have been if my life had taken a different path.  What if I decided to take a year off and complete my MPH?  What if I decided not to pursue medicine?  What if, instead of being paralyzed in fear and confusion, I had decided to date her in undergrad?  What if I had decided to come out to my parents?

I have little regret in the things I have done.  I only regret the things I haven't done or haven't been able to do.  They say that medicine is one of the ultimate delayed gratifications.  You spend the majority of your 20s studying your ass off, working long hours, often putting life and health on hold.  This continues (or perhaps worsens) in residency, and in the blink of an eye, you're in your 30s.

It's okay though.  There's still some of my 20s left.  Sure I may not have much time off each year, but that just makes each day off that much more precious.  With my salary, with my own money, I will have the ability to do many of the things I want without having to consider the debt looming over my head (which will get paid off in time).  And with the new duty hour limits of 80 hours/week, I may even have time to develop a social life if I'm efficient.

So it's alright, I can't stop the flow of time just as much as I can't reverse it.  I have just begun creating a bucket list and I'll be damned if I'm unable to do every one of those items!  This wasn't the post I originally meant to write, but here you have it.  Sorry for the scattered thoughts.

A Difference in Philosphy

A few days ago, several of us got together for wine and cheese tasting and we decided to hang out afterwards.  There was a teacher, a surgeon, a pediatrician, and an MD/PhD in training.  Much of the evening was wrapped in very heated debate, from gun control, to "Obamacare," and to education.

At the heart of the debate is a difference in philosophy, not dissimilar to democrats vs republicans.  It is no secret that education in the US is in need of an update.  The question is, how to best remake the education system in the US?

On one side is the surgeon, utilizing a surgeon's thinking.  The argument: We should focus our resources on those who can best utilize them and elevate those students to their maximum potential, and not "waste" resources on the students at the bottom who cannot demonstrate improvement.  Society should strive to equip the best and brightest with the means to achieve what they're meant to.  This makes sense in a surgeon's mind, as a surgeon must be able to triage which patients are suitable for surgery and which aren't.

On the other side is the teacher and (peripherally) the pediatrician.  The argument: We provide all students the necessary resources to succeed - for the bottom of the class to reach the middle, and for the best and brightest to soar.  Every child in society deserves a fair shot at an education, with resources devoted to the struggling as well as to the gifted.

The problem with the first argument is that it is in danger of creating a tiered caste society, only widening the achievement gap into a chasm.  The problem with the second argument is that there simply aren't enough resources or political will to make it a reality everywhere.

My personal issue with the first argument is that I believe that all children deserve a fair shot, not just some.  And yes, some children need more help and resources to achieve, but it is possible.  I have seen it.  I have worked with a charter school that - rather takes the best of the best students - takes the worst students in public schools and demonstrates that they can at least achieve to the middle.  These are students who dropped out of school due to LGBTQ bullying, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, mild mental health issues, etc.  Given the right learning environment, they are not hopeless.

On a more personal note, I have a good friend growing up who went to the same schools as me for most of our K-12 lives.  I was almost always in the honors/AP courses.  He was barely scraping by in the regular courses.  His educational experience was vastly different than mine.  My teachers expected us to push hard and succeed.  His teachers treated him as though he could not achieve and would never amount to anything much more, that learning wasn't as important for him.  This negatively impacted him until he had a moment where he was determined to change his fate.  He transitioned from a 2-year college to a 4-year state university, and from there got a good stable job helping others in bad social situations.  He was able to succeed.  Is he the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates?  No.  But neither am I.

The reality of the current status in education is neither - currently the system is more and more being set up to "teach to the test," thereby aiming to bring the bottom up but also inadvertently bringing the top down, both meeting in the middle.  Critical courses such as creative expression (art, music, theater, etc) and physical activity (gym, recess) are being cut out in order to cram more math and science to satisfy the tests (and I'd argue that science isn't even being taught properly on the whole).  Current education is trending towards mediocrity as more tests are implemented to demonstrate achievement and teachers are being paid for performance (an oversimplification and generalization, but I'm not in education so this is just what I hear).

I don't know the answer to "fixing" the system, just as I don't know the answer to fixing healthcare.  Obamacare is one answer, but I'm not convinced it's the best or final answer.  The alternatives aren't much better though.  What I do know is that the answer depends on the philosophy we choose to take, both on a personal level and as a society.  Are only some worthy of the resources?  Do everyone get the exact same resources?  Or is the answer more nuanced?  I don't know but I do know that the answer is a difference in philosophy.

First Time

The First Time by ~ChadtheFab on deviantART

Welp, no longer a virgin anymore I suppose.  It was meh.  But perhaps I should backtrack.

Yesterday, a (gay) friend visited me who I haven't seen in almost a year.  I've known him for probably 4-5 years or so.  He's in the process of moving out of his town to literally halfway across the globe, so I insisted that he visit me before he left the country.  We had also flirted/bantered online back and forth about all this (sex), so none of it is any surprise.

So anyway, long story short, we had brunch, we hung out a bit, we went back to my apartment where I eventually coaxed him.  We wanked each other a bit before I ask if he was up for "something more."  I handed him a condom and lube and asked what he wanted to do - he would top, and I would bottom.

He asked, "Don't you want your first time to be special?"

To which I replied, "Meh, I'm over special.  Plus this is special in its own way."  I've been holding off and waiting for so long, I don't really care anymore.  I'd much rather it be him than some one night stand whose sexual history I know nothing about and will never see/talk to again.

So he put on the condom and lubed up . . . it wasn't enough lube.  It hurt when he tried and I told him to stop.  He applied some more lube and then slowly entered.  It was alright.  He's about 7 inches and somewhat thick.  He slowly ramped the speed of his pounding - I didn't like that too much.  He never hit the good spots (aka, the prostate) for very long back he was going faster; it felt much better when he slowed down.  Eventually I actually kinda got bored and told him to stop, and we'd just wank each other to finish.

He then did this thing to me that he discovered accidentally a while back with some other (uncut) guys.  He just rubbed the bare head with his lubed hand and I was soooo sensitive - he had me squirming and twitching.  It felt tortuously good, but it wasn't the kind of good that gets me to orgasm.  At one point I'm pretty sure I shot out pre-cum, as I felt a spray of something up to my chest and shoulder; it definitely wasn't cum.

After he finished me off, I returned the favor.  I basically tried the same thing he did, but he wasn't anywhere as sensitive (he's cut).  However, when he came and squirted all over he chest - if he hadn't sat up slightly he would've probably shot over his head - I continued to rub his penis.  He suddenly got that post-orgasm sensitivity and I thought I'd repay him for basically doing what he did to me, lol.  He actually grabbed my hand to stop me - too bad he grabbed the wrong hand, muahaha.

So there you have it, my first time.  It was meh.  I suppose it's something to get used to, an "acquired taste" if you will?  Hmm . . . I imagine first-time sex with a woman may be more enjoyable, haha.

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My time with the last guy (post here) was way more enjoyable.  I think it was because of all the kissing and cuddling, it just felt way more affectionate.  Oh well, experiences.

I Matched!!

Wow.  What a day.  The Ides of March.  Match Day.

It's been a crazy ride.  I'm SO glad that my med school doesn't make students read where they matched out loud to the entire class.  So many people would've completely broke down crying (in joy or sadness).  Instead, my med school puts all the match envelops in a bin and chooses out names at random.

As each of my friends go up to get their results, I see their faces downcast as they matched their 6th or 8th place.  Finally one of my friends matched her #1 and I was called shortly after.  I was SO nervous - like nauseated and heart palpitations.  Imagine my (shock and) surprise when I matched at my NUMBER TWO rank!!  :-D

It's not my #1, but it's (obviously) the next best.  I had psyched myself up for my #1 so much in my head that really almost all of my other ranks paled in comparison, which is unfair.  It's unreal.  Even now I can't quite believe it.

Actually I'm starting to have irrational doubts now.  Will I be okay with the culture shock of moving so far away?  Did I make the right choice in the order of ranking my programs?  Did I lower myself as a candidate for not ranking more "prestigious" programs higher?  Will I have the time and energy to have a social life outside the hospital?

Like I said, irrational.  In retrospect, this may be the perfect match for me, even though it's #2.  It's a smaller (but not "small") program without fellows, and so more attention can be paid towards teaching me and mentoring me.  It still has all the sub-specialties represented and is a free-standing children's hospital - so my training is automatically solid.  And it's still in the state I want to be in (albeit not quite in the area of the state I'd prefer to be in, but that's okay).

It was a tough match this year.  Lots of disappointed people who applied to a surgical programs, or even medicine programs.  The number of American med school graduates keep growing, but the residency slots are static (some programs may even have shrunk a little as a consequence of the crap going on at the federal government level).  It's only going to get tougher but at the end of the day, most people match, which means most of us will become the clinical doctors that we went to med school to be.

In about 2 months, I will have an MD and have a spot as a pediatric resident.  :-)

Lonely Thoughts

First of all, thanks to those who read my last post.  Alas, said guy in that post has been accepted to a 4-year university in another state (one I didn't apply to for residency) and has a crush on another guy for a while now.  The chances of something physical between us are vanishingly small.  But I'm okay with that, I seriously wish him all the best - I'd rather have him as "just" a friend than not at all.

I'm glad that I'm done with surgery - forever.  It's almost surreal.  It's been such a privilege to be a part of surgery.  I think that's the main reason why I don't hate the OR (operating room).  At no other time can you say you've been hands deep in another person's abdomen, or held a person's bowels out of the way, or cut off a person's leg.  It is a privilege - as is all of medicine - to help someone in such an intimate way.  But whereas I willingly relinquish my privilege to ever do surgery, I acquire the privilege of being the first doctor a child sees in life and helping kids and families through good times and bad.  And that's exactly what I signed up for.
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So the real purpose of this post is to vent my annoyance.  Over the past year, most of my friends have paired up and a number have/will be getting engaged.  And much of our conversations involve them talking (either positively or venting) about their significant others.  And it irritates me.

I know they don't mean to, but I can't bring it up.  I can't ask them to not be with their other half especially when I'm friends with all of them too.  I've apparently been described by some friends as a "bitch" lately for being annoyed and snapping heads off at particular things.  Maybe I have but I'm not going to apologize for it.  I know I'm treated (unconsciously) as a secondary friend by now.  People will bend over for their significant others but make excuses to not hang out when I ask.  I expect no less.

I'm at such a stagnant time-point in my life.  It's frustrating.  I hesitate to act until I know where I'll end up for residency (Match is next Friday! oh my!!).  But here everyone is on the way to getting married and I'm not much further than I was since I started this blog . . .

Maybe I should just focus on me, my career, and accept that I'll be alone forever.

To Hold and Be Held

Held so tightly by ~TopScoff on deviantART

I had been debating whether to post this or not, but I've decided that I want to remember the event as vividly as I can.  The following will get graphic, so if your sensibilities are easily offended, please skip this post.  I assure you, I will blog again soon.

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I met him online months ago, in a forum not unlike this one.  We messaged for a while before we added each other's IM.  I had half-jokingly agreed that if I got an interview in his area, he must visit me and I'd take him on a date.  Sometimes the stars do align, if only briefly.

Several weeks ago I went to an interview near him.  When I arrived at the train station, he was sitting there waiting for me in a black hoodie and jeans.  He was thinner and slightly shorter than me with dark brown hair, mesmerizing grey eyes, and a short goatee.  We first stopped by my hotel to drop my things off then went to a nearby Thai restaurant for lunch - his first time having Thai food.  Afterwards we went to a local natural history museum; I totally geeked out and I think he was amused by it all, haha.  It was a tiny museum and so we decided to stop for coffee on our way back to my hotel.  We chatted for a while over our coffee - him a mocha, me a chai latte.

There were still several hours before my pre-interview evening event, so we headed back to my hotel to see if there was any good movies on.  As he flipped through the channels, I positioned myself behind him to give him a back massage.  He had been so stressed lately and there were so many knots in his back - there were knots in places I didn't know a muscle could knot!  I began on his shoulders and kneading his upper back, working the knots out.  As I moved down, I found knots between his ribs and in his lower back.  At this point he laid on his stomach so I could get better access to his lower back.  I got a bit daring and went further, massaging his butt and upper thighs - wouldn't you have known, he had knots there too (somehow)!

I gave him a thorough massage for a good 30 minutes or more before he sat up.  He leaned back into me until we were both lying on our backs on the bed.  He turned towards me and wrapped his arms and legs around me like a koala to a tree, and laid his head in the crook of my neck.  I rested my head on his, smelling his hair.  To hold and be held like this, to cuddle, was such indescribable pleasure and relaxation.  As he cuddled I stroked his back and arms with my arm that was wrapped around him.  This guy really loved cuddling.  It's on par with a little kid/toddler in the amount and quality of physical affection, and it was awesome to hold and be held like that.

With my other arm, I stroked his chest, his stomach - first over his shirt then under.  Then I moved my hands down to his hip and around under his boxer-briefs to grab his fuzzy butt a few times.  He didn't object.  To test the limits of this, I moved my hands around to the front until I felt the head of his cock, already hard and completely wet with precum.  I massaged it a bit with my fingertips until he rotated himself till he was on top of me.  He undid his belt and unzipped his jeans, the tip of his cock peeking above his underwear.

He leaned in for a kiss.  It was awkward at first on my end, as it has been a really long time since I had kissed anyone.  As we kissed I had my hands on his cock, giving it a few strokes.  He then took off his shirt, pants, and underwear, revealing his entire cock for the first time.  It was one of the most beautiful uncut cocks I had ever seen - he was so hard that his foreskin had pulled back entirely.  He claimed it was about 6.5" but it looked closer to 7" and was quite thick.  He leaned in to kiss again before reaching into my pants to find my cock hard and wet with precum (I don't usually precum much, unless I'm very aroused - which I was).  He undid my belt, pulled off my pants, gave my cock a few strokes, pulled back my foreskin and put my cock in his mouth.

He knew what he was doing, sucking and licking my foreskin in such an oh-so-exciting way.  He stroked me a bit before I had him lie back to return the favor.  I gave his cock a good squeeze and saw a large drop of precum bead at the tip.  I pulled his foreskin over and licked the tip in circles before pulling it back and tried to suck as much of his cock as I could.  I put my tongue between his foreskin and the head and licked in circles, causing him to moan a little.

At some point he was above me and we tried to 69 . . . it was hilariously awkward because we couldn't quite coordinate ourselves.  We mostly ended up sucking and playing with each other's balls and asses for a bit.  He had me stop a couple times because he was close to cumming, so I paused while he kept going on me.  I would've given myself completely over to him had he a condom on him.

Maybe an hour later I was close to cumming.  It's weird being on the edge of cumming but not quite being able to because someone else is in control and they switch it up between oral and different strokes just as you're about to go over the edge.  It had been a week since I had gotten off (not much time what with the constant traveling, dining, and interviewing) and I was soooo sensitive.  When I started to cum, it came out like a flood - it gushed with each spasm but in between it felt like cum was still pouring out.  One of the best orgasms I've had.

He had laid himself across me in such a way that my cum splattered his chest.  It was my turn to return the favor.  Soon he was moaning and riding the same edge that I had just been - almost there but not quite.  Finally I got him over and his cum sprayed all over.  I teased his cock head a bit - knowing it'd get super sensitive post-orgasm - until he told me to stop.  We cuddled for a little bit in the afterglow before quickly deciding that we should shower and clean up, haha.

He decided to spend the night with me after my dinner with the residents rather than drive back home.  We cuddled in bed for a while as we chatted and got sleepy.  We crawled under the sheets and he wrapped himself around me.  It felt nice, but . . . I failed to realize how warm another human body could be.  So I kind of overheated haha, and the AC/heater unit thing was making such a racket all night that I barely got any good sleep.  That said, I tried to cuddle every chance I could get without overheating (it's surprisingly awkward to sleep next to someone if you don't position yourself just so).