I Survived . . .?

I survived by ~CasheeFoo on deviantART

Somehow I survived my first block of wards (and my second inpatient block, the first being NICU).  Wards is basically what you would imagine hospital medicine to be like, the kind of thing you see on "House" or whatnot.

The first day I was handed 6 patients I knew nothing about, one of whom was a cluster-fuck of complicated medical problems.  The rarity and severity of her illnesses terrified me.  Within a day or two I was expected to know her inside and out.  I was literally running around the hospital trying to figure my way around and see all my patients before meeting with the rest of the team for rounds.  This was far worse than any experience I had as a med student, because as a med student you're still under the aegis of your resident who protects you - more than I had previously appreciated.  And oh yeah, I had to basically learn an EMR (electronic medical record) and use it by the end of the first day.  Not cool.

I felt so overwhelmed that by the end of the second day I was ready to throw the laptop I was working on out the window and run out of the hospital screaming at the top of my lungs and quit on the spot.  I somehow, not sure how, held it together.  The med students arrived the third day.  I held it together.  For them.  I could not show my weaknesses in front of them - I had to give them the impression that peds was a great field (it still is).  Luckily I had inexplicably hit my stride as well and starting doing alright after that.

Having a med student by my side did wonders for my morale.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and bounce diagnostic ideas off of who won't judge me or think I'm an idiot.  Also once I discovered the most efficient path forward for me, nothing stops me.  As a med student I really struggled with finding that path, as it's not a med student's job to be efficient.  On the contrary, med students are supposed to be exceedingly thorough.  My sub-I as a M4 student kicked my ass, but in hindsight I was only able to survive wards now because of that experience.  I dare say I became the most efficient of the 4 interns on during this block.

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In other news, guys here kind of suck.

I've been stood up on a couple dates or otherwise had plans change/get delayed.  It's okay if you're going to be 10-15 min late, but 2-3 hours?!  Come on, that's just rude.  Makes me want to give up looking (as if I had the time anyway, ha!).

Been chatting with a few people, hopefully something goes somewhere.

All the Babies!

Sorry for the lack of posting, it's been quite hectic (but manageable, sorta).

I just finished a block of genetics subspecialty outpatient clinic.  Genetics is a fascinating subject as always, and I must say, this block reignited some of my former interest in the field.  I'm not sure if it's enough to make me want to pursue it as a fellowship and career, but it's back on the radar, lol.

In the middle there I did a week of nights.  I got pretty good at assessing normal healthy newborns, haha.  But man there's such a learning curve when you haven't done it in like 2 years!!  I was lucky enough to get some sleep most nights, but the schedule of nights (6:30pm to 7am) is still rough.  Takes a while to adjust and adjust back.

Now I'm in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).  I was terrified of it at the start, but it actually turned out to be a really nice rotation.  I'm definitely learning a lot about taking care of premature babies, often with other health problems too.  After a while they mostly become "feeders and growers," that is they're just eating to gain enough weight to go home.

Anyway, up until now, the majority of my experience has been with babies.  All the babies!  Haha.  They're pretty cute, I must say.  One just has to get on the good side of their territorial and protective nurses, lol.

I've had the privilege to see some weird and rare things, which is really cool.  I mean things that we should not be seeing because current routine medical care should have picked up these things earlier, but there are always babies that slip through the cracks.  It's quite unfortunate when a baby could be otherwise perfectly normal and healthy sees us and by then it's too late to stop the worst of it.

Anywho, enough rambling.  Must sleep.  6:30am to 7pm schedule is pretty rough too.  Unfortunately that's my schedule for the next several months . . .  As one of my senior residents said to me, "Oh wow, I'm sorry.  But the Lord doesn't give us more than what we can take."  I hope she's right.  Still, I'm soooo glad I'm not a surgical resident.

An . . . Interesting Start

A few updates are in order I do believe, lol.

1.  Moved across the country!!  Changed my driver's license, car registration, and car plates to this new state.  All within 3 hours (the DMV lady who helped me was SUPER understanding and helpful).

2.  Visited my relatives!  I had my car shipped to my grandpa's place ahead of me so I didn't have to drive across country.  That would've been brutal!  Visiting relatives is fun, I like hanging out with my little cousin here.  My grandpa is just now really seriously starting to push that I be in a relationship and hopefully marry in the near-ish future, before he gets too old and such . . . sigh.

3.  Moved into a new apartment!  It's nice having a 1-bedroom apartment to yourself.  I actually think this apartment is somewhat larger than my old 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath that I shared with my roommate in med school for 4 years, lol.

4.  Met my co-interns!  My co-interns are all super nice and funny people.  And they don't take themselves too seriously, which is good considering we're all pediatricians, haha.  Definitely a group I can see us bonding together and hanging out with during our (borderline non-existent) free time.  Only thing is that most (all?) of them are either married or in long-term relationships, so the significant others will be a major factor in our social gatherings.  I really need to get on that . . .

5.  Had an . . . interesting start to orientation.  We had PALS (pediatric advance life support) training the first 2 days.  On the first day, 6 of us (half the intern year, mind you) came back from lunch about 5 minutes late and the mean stickler instructor lady refused to let us back in.  She told us we had to reschedule and pay for it out-of-pocket . . . that's $250!!  She was totally being unreasonable.  Our program coordinator tried her best to help us sort out the situation and when the Chair of the Pediatrics Department found out how poorly she treated us, he was furious.  It's likely that the program won't be using them next year . . .

6.  Haven't talked to my friend (mentioned in post here) for a LONG time.  I miss chatting with him.  He's out of school for the summer and started a summer job that leaves him tired at the end of the day.  I frequently see him online for short periods of time, but he rarely responds to my messages or texts anymore.  In fact, we haven't chatted in almost a month!  Not for a lack of trying on my part.  I know he's also busy with a few other things, including hanging out with his close friends who're also out for the summer, but still - it kinda hurts.  It really does feel like he's ignoring me as much as he can.  I've decided to just back off for the next few weeks/months and see if he comes around.  Hopefully so, because I do miss chatting with him.  :-(

Phew!  I think you're more or less up-to-date now.  Why're all the girls I'm interested in either married or in long-term relationships, and all the guy's I'm interested in so far away (aka another state/country)?!?!  Sigh.

Officially an MD!! Now What?

Last Thursday: Was hooded by my faculty adviser.  Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).

Last Friday:  Graduated!!  Now officially an MD, woohoo!!

Last Saturday:  Pack pack pack.  Friend's wedding.  Pack.

Sunday:  Pack pack pack.  Last brunch with friends in town.  Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.

Today:  Happy Birthday to me!  Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever.  It was pretty chill.  Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good.  :-)

The Next Stage

Wow.  Graduation is in less than a week.  In less than a week I'll have my MD.  And in a month from yesterday I'll start orientation for residency in a state across the country (at least it's not as far away as Alaska or Hawaii? lol).

The last 3 months have flown by.  It's like I blinked and I'm here.  Doesn't help that it's still a bit cold outside even now in May, haha.  I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for this next stage - for financial independence, for having a real job, for being responsible for the life (and death) of patients.  It's only in retrospect that I can appreciate how far I've come, but I've still got a ways to go in so many respects.

I was never one of those people who hurried to grow up.  In fact, just the opposite.  I did NOT want to grow up.  Childhood is so short, adulthood is so long and fraught with issues that no one else can solve but you.  Maybe this is part of the reason why I'm doing pediatrics, who knows.

At these critical junctions I find myself reflecting in nostalgia - what would and could have been if my life had taken a different path.  What if I decided to take a year off and complete my MPH?  What if I decided not to pursue medicine?  What if, instead of being paralyzed in fear and confusion, I had decided to date her in undergrad?  What if I had decided to come out to my parents?

I have little regret in the things I have done.  I only regret the things I haven't done or haven't been able to do.  They say that medicine is one of the ultimate delayed gratifications.  You spend the majority of your 20s studying your ass off, working long hours, often putting life and health on hold.  This continues (or perhaps worsens) in residency, and in the blink of an eye, you're in your 30s.

It's okay though.  There's still some of my 20s left.  Sure I may not have much time off each year, but that just makes each day off that much more precious.  With my salary, with my own money, I will have the ability to do many of the things I want without having to consider the debt looming over my head (which will get paid off in time).  And with the new duty hour limits of 80 hours/week, I may even have time to develop a social life if I'm efficient.

So it's alright, I can't stop the flow of time just as much as I can't reverse it.  I have just begun creating a bucket list and I'll be damned if I'm unable to do every one of those items!  This wasn't the post I originally meant to write, but here you have it.  Sorry for the scattered thoughts.

A Difference in Philosphy

A few days ago, several of us got together for wine and cheese tasting and we decided to hang out afterwards.  There was a teacher, a surgeon, a pediatrician, and an MD/PhD in training.  Much of the evening was wrapped in very heated debate, from gun control, to "Obamacare," and to education.

At the heart of the debate is a difference in philosophy, not dissimilar to democrats vs republicans.  It is no secret that education in the US is in need of an update.  The question is, how to best remake the education system in the US?

On one side is the surgeon, utilizing a surgeon's thinking.  The argument: We should focus our resources on those who can best utilize them and elevate those students to their maximum potential, and not "waste" resources on the students at the bottom who cannot demonstrate improvement.  Society should strive to equip the best and brightest with the means to achieve what they're meant to.  This makes sense in a surgeon's mind, as a surgeon must be able to triage which patients are suitable for surgery and which aren't.

On the other side is the teacher and (peripherally) the pediatrician.  The argument: We provide all students the necessary resources to succeed - for the bottom of the class to reach the middle, and for the best and brightest to soar.  Every child in society deserves a fair shot at an education, with resources devoted to the struggling as well as to the gifted.

The problem with the first argument is that it is in danger of creating a tiered caste society, only widening the achievement gap into a chasm.  The problem with the second argument is that there simply aren't enough resources or political will to make it a reality everywhere.

My personal issue with the first argument is that I believe that all children deserve a fair shot, not just some.  And yes, some children need more help and resources to achieve, but it is possible.  I have seen it.  I have worked with a charter school that - rather takes the best of the best students - takes the worst students in public schools and demonstrates that they can at least achieve to the middle.  These are students who dropped out of school due to LGBTQ bullying, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, mild mental health issues, etc.  Given the right learning environment, they are not hopeless.

On a more personal note, I have a good friend growing up who went to the same schools as me for most of our K-12 lives.  I was almost always in the honors/AP courses.  He was barely scraping by in the regular courses.  His educational experience was vastly different than mine.  My teachers expected us to push hard and succeed.  His teachers treated him as though he could not achieve and would never amount to anything much more, that learning wasn't as important for him.  This negatively impacted him until he had a moment where he was determined to change his fate.  He transitioned from a 2-year college to a 4-year state university, and from there got a good stable job helping others in bad social situations.  He was able to succeed.  Is he the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates?  No.  But neither am I.

The reality of the current status in education is neither - currently the system is more and more being set up to "teach to the test," thereby aiming to bring the bottom up but also inadvertently bringing the top down, both meeting in the middle.  Critical courses such as creative expression (art, music, theater, etc) and physical activity (gym, recess) are being cut out in order to cram more math and science to satisfy the tests (and I'd argue that science isn't even being taught properly on the whole).  Current education is trending towards mediocrity as more tests are implemented to demonstrate achievement and teachers are being paid for performance (an oversimplification and generalization, but I'm not in education so this is just what I hear).

I don't know the answer to "fixing" the system, just as I don't know the answer to fixing healthcare.  Obamacare is one answer, but I'm not convinced it's the best or final answer.  The alternatives aren't much better though.  What I do know is that the answer depends on the philosophy we choose to take, both on a personal level and as a society.  Are only some worthy of the resources?  Do everyone get the exact same resources?  Or is the answer more nuanced?  I don't know but I do know that the answer is a difference in philosophy.

First Time

The First Time by ~ChadtheFab on deviantART

Welp, no longer a virgin anymore I suppose.  It was meh.  But perhaps I should backtrack.

Yesterday, a (gay) friend visited me who I haven't seen in almost a year.  I've known him for probably 4-5 years or so.  He's in the process of moving out of his town to literally halfway across the globe, so I insisted that he visit me before he left the country.  We had also flirted/bantered online back and forth about all this (sex), so none of it is any surprise.

So anyway, long story short, we had brunch, we hung out a bit, we went back to my apartment where I eventually coaxed him.  We wanked each other a bit before I ask if he was up for "something more."  I handed him a condom and lube and asked what he wanted to do - he would top, and I would bottom.

He asked, "Don't you want your first time to be special?"

To which I replied, "Meh, I'm over special.  Plus this is special in its own way."  I've been holding off and waiting for so long, I don't really care anymore.  I'd much rather it be him than some one night stand whose sexual history I know nothing about and will never see/talk to again.

So he put on the condom and lubed up . . . it wasn't enough lube.  It hurt when he tried and I told him to stop.  He applied some more lube and then slowly entered.  It was alright.  He's about 7 inches and somewhat thick.  He slowly ramped the speed of his pounding - I didn't like that too much.  He never hit the good spots (aka, the prostate) for very long back he was going faster; it felt much better when he slowed down.  Eventually I actually kinda got bored and told him to stop, and we'd just wank each other to finish.

He then did this thing to me that he discovered accidentally a while back with some other (uncut) guys.  He just rubbed the bare head with his lubed hand and I was soooo sensitive - he had me squirming and twitching.  It felt tortuously good, but it wasn't the kind of good that gets me to orgasm.  At one point I'm pretty sure I shot out pre-cum, as I felt a spray of something up to my chest and shoulder; it definitely wasn't cum.

After he finished me off, I returned the favor.  I basically tried the same thing he did, but he wasn't anywhere as sensitive (he's cut).  However, when he came and squirted all over he chest - if he hadn't sat up slightly he would've probably shot over his head - I continued to rub his penis.  He suddenly got that post-orgasm sensitivity and I thought I'd repay him for basically doing what he did to me, lol.  He actually grabbed my hand to stop me - too bad he grabbed the wrong hand, muahaha.

So there you have it, my first time.  It was meh.  I suppose it's something to get used to, an "acquired taste" if you will?  Hmm . . . I imagine first-time sex with a woman may be more enjoyable, haha.

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My time with the last guy (post here) was way more enjoyable.  I think it was because of all the kissing and cuddling, it just felt way more affectionate.  Oh well, experiences.