Falling Glass

This is not a China post.

First a bit of good news: my dad was able to recover 90-95% of my pictures off my SD card!! He downloaded some program that lets him rip data off SD cards or something. This was the second highlight of my day. ^_^
-----
Now, on to more serious matters. Ever knock over a glass at the edge of a table/counter, and you're just watching it fall to the ground in slow motion until it hits and shatters? That's how my research work is like right now. Let me elaborate. First, for this post, let my researcher = EV-M and my PI = SG-M.

At the end of last semester/beginning of this semester, my research was like a glass at the very edge of the table about to fall. My Western blot project had stopped working, and I was just beginning the RNA extraction project but I wasn't going fast enough for SG-M's satisfaction. In January I temporarily shelved my Western blot project to focus on the RNA extraction, which was the more important of the two. That is, until I royally fucked up (read here). That was the bit that knocked the glass off the table.

I haven't been doing much in the lab during February because the RNA extraction was shelved (from me) and my Western blots still weren't working (the transfer box refused to work). As a result, I've felt like my presence in the lab was just a waste of my time, EV-M's time, and SG-M's time. So I haven't been working much. I haven't be performing up to my standards, (or anyone's standards) it's been a long since I've produced results, and I talked to EV-M about all this today.

EV-M revealed to me that SG-M is not happy with my performance in the lab. Gee, me neither, no surprise there. But SG-M basically banned me from the RNA extraction project without directly telling me. EV-M told me that both he and SG-M felt I needed to take more initiative and get things done. That was seriously a slap in the face because I'm almost always the one to initiate things in any group project. I'm the one who tries to coordinate and make sure things get done. To say that I don't take the initiative in the lab was a blow to my ego.

But now I don't know what to do. Without the RNA extraction project, I don't have much to do in the lab. The Western blot is MY project, as in I designed almost every aspect of it from the moment I started. It's not my fault that the equipment failed. But now I'm supposed to somehow find a way around this?! Apparently people in the lab "notice" that I'm just not doing a good job. That almost makes me feel everyone's talking behind my back without letting me know what I'm doing wrong. The lab is "too polite" as EV-M puts it.

So I'm watching this glass fall towards the ground. As far as I know it hasn't hit the ground yet, so I may still be able to catch it and put it back on the table. But I don't know if I'll be able to make it in time and I'm not sure it's entirely worth it. According to EV-M, SG-M isn't someone I want to piss off. He's well known in both the medical and public health world, and so if he says anything bad about me, it'll doubly hurt my reputation. I had a pretty good reputation coming into this lab, and I'll be damned if I leave with a crappy reputation. He's already displeased with me, and I don't know how to properly fix this.

This and the jet-lag sucked away all the relaxation and happiness I rediscovered during Spring Break. I feel so beaten and broken this semester. I'm not the only one, my friend AG-F feels exactly the same (though for somewhat different reasons). Why does second semester suck so much?! T.T

What should I do?!?!?!
-----
I want to leave on a high note because I feel somewhat depressed by the possibility of (effectively) losing my research job and crawling away with a bruised ego and a severely damaged reputation.

So the first highlight of my day was in GSI prep session. I found out that most of the GSIs only have 5-7 students go to their sections, maybe 10-12 at most. In contrast, I generally have at least 10-12 come to my sections, and up to 20-25 students in my Friday sections. I must be doing/teaching something right if people keep coming! That makes me feel like I'm actually able to accomplish something.

Right now, GSI-ing is what keeps my head up. I love teaching and love leaving discussion sections feeling like I've helped someone understand the genetics material. Also, it doesn't hurt to know that I'm more favored by many students than the other GSIs, because I keep getting complimented on how I teach. ;-)

I'm Back (Unfortunately)!

I'm back (unfortunately) from my week-long trip to China! It was great!! I'll post about it in extreme detail later (it'll certainly span several posts), as it's quite late right now and I should be in bed, and I'm slightly jet-lagged I think. There were SO many things left to do and explore, no one wanted to leave when we did. I'll just say a few things as primers to keep you all interested.

- When I got back to my apartment here in the US, my roommate said to me (after a brief chat), "Now I'm convinced this state makes people depressed. You seem so much happier and smiley after your trip. It must've been great."

- I admit to a slight (and fleeting) crush on my roommate during the trip. For the purposes of the upcoming "China posts" I'll refer to him as DY-M. He's a great guy in almost every imaginable way.

- I met up with someone I haven't seen in almost a year. Don't let your minds wander too far. ;-)

- There was So Much Food. And to quote one of my friends who went on this trip, "The food's so good - too good, food shouldn't be this good." I'd be surprised if I didn't gain at least 5 lbs on this trip, because I sure feel like I did. I have to hit up the gym harder than before now. :-/

- I'm not very good at bargaining. :-/

- This was technically a "business trip." But it felt more like a very very very much needed vacation.

- White wine is NOT white wine in China. Just a warning.

- I had taken 200-300 pictures with my digital camera. That is, until something happened to my SD card. T.T Now I'll have to wait for others to post their pics online so I may pilfer some of them to show you all.

I'm So Outta Here

I'm so done with this week. I'm so outta here.

2 exams done, 2 papers done, and a group project well under way. Now time for Spring Break (yeah, I know my school has Spring Break freakishly early). I'm off to China in less than 12 hours. That's crazy!!

I'll keep a journal of some sort, and I'll be sure to take lots of pictures. :D

Now, if you would excuse me, I'm going to let the fuzziness of exhaustion claim me now.

Good night. I'll see you all in a week.

No Time!

Sorry for not posting in . . . a week?! Hmm, it's been a week. And it's past 5am right now. Why am I still awake? Good question you might be wondering.

Today (yesterday? Tuesday) I had my biostatistics exam. I swear that class is out to get me. At the very least I managed to finish every question and write something down. I think towards the end I was just trying to come up with ways to manipulate the equations to create an answer that remotely made sense. I also made mistakes on question 2 (there were only 4 questions) over and over again, and spent like half an hour re-writing my answers. -_-

I was somewhat fried by the time I had to teach discussion section today. At least that's something I'm good at, so I'm told. My friend, EA-F, is friends with one of the girls in my Tuesday's discussion section. Apparently I'm one of her favorite GSIs because I explain things really clearly and I seem personable and approachable. W00t! ^_^

Anyway, to the point of this post so I can sleep. Why am I still awake? Because I just wrote 2 papers back-to-back in one sitting (starting at around 7pm). Granted, the first paper I've been working on for about 2-3 days now. But it's 10 pages, single-spaced. The second paper is at least 5 pages, double-spaced. All I have to say is this about the 2nd paper: Worst. Essay. Ever. That's saying a lot because I pride myself on my essay-writing abilities. Good thing neither essay is due until Friday, but since I'm leaving early Friday for China, I really have to have it all done by Thursday evening.

I need to spend tomorrow (wait . . . today, Wednesday?) MASSIVELY editing my papers and studying for my cancer epidemiology exam on Thursday. Argh. AND I still have to meet with my group on Thursday to work on our paper and presentation on non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Do not want. I already spent 1.5 hours creating 11 (really nice, btw) slides in PowerPoint.

I have NO TIME!!! T.T

I must release some of this stress so I don't get another "stress" cold on top of the one I'm JUST recovering from. Maybe a quickie before bed . . . might help me sleep faster. Ah, 4.5 hours of sleep here I come.

Over 10,000 Views!!

Woah, some time in the near-past my blog received over 10,000 views!! I suppose this blog has been slowly plodding along for a while, not reaching epic popular hits like other blogs (you know who you are). But that's okay. Now, what to talk about? Oh! I think I have a topic. ;-)

Ultimate Edging
I'm fairly confident that anyone who comes across this blog knows what "edging" is (at least, if you're a guy). But, a couple years ago I accidentally discovered what might be the "final step" in the edging technique. Recently someone posted it here on a site I browse fairly often called Solo Touch.

So, in "normal" edging you would just masturbate until you feel like you're about to cum, then back off without any ejaculation or orgasm. You do this repeatedly until you're actually ready to cum (or just can't hold back anymore). It feels pretty amazing. Now, there's another "step" beyond this that makes it even better.

If you're really astute, you might notice - what I call - 3 phases before you actually cum. Phase 1 is where you feel like you're about to cum, but if you back off (usually) nothing comes out. Phase 2 is just before you cum, but if you back off sometimes (usually) some semen will leak or shoot out and your penis will throb and the muscles will contract, but you won't have full ejaculation or orgasm. Phase 3 is just full on cumming, where you ejaculate and have an orgasm and you lose your erection afterwards. Normal edging gets to phase 1 then backs off. In the link above and what I've accidentally discovered is that you can actually get to phase 2 and then back off, and then do this repeatedly until you finally cum all the way.

Here's how you do it. Masturbate and stroke, however you typically do it. When you get close to cumming (phase 1), slow down and stroke lightly. You'll then get to a point where you'll feel the semen kind of start working its way up your penis but before any contractions (phase 2). STOP at this point - let go and don't touch your penis at all!! The semen will ooze/shoot out, and there will be some throbbing and contractions. Don't "go with" the contractions, but just let it happen; it'll feel like a "mini-ejaculation." Wait several seconds (maybe 10-20 seconds) before resuming stroking, otherwise you'll just proceed to full ejaculation and orgasm.

If you do it right, your penis will actually get a little harder and more sensitive after each "round." Each round is like a mini-ejaculation and mini-orgasm. And you can use your semen as lube, which feels pretty damn good (if you use lube; if you don't, this is a good opportunity to try). Less semen comes out with each successive round, and you'll approach each successive round quicker and it'll be harder to hold back from going all the way. When you're ready to just let go, just finish yourself off. You may/may not ejaculate more semen.

This "ultimate edging" technique is very messy and takes quite a bit of practice to do more than like 2-3 rounds, but it feels soooo good once you have it down. My personal record is 6 rounds (where I define a round as having a mini-ejaculation). You'd be surprised how much cum you have stored up inside you. Even at the 6th and final round, I still shot some out. ;-)
-----
Mundane Matters
Okay, enough of that. Back to the "regular programming."

I probably won't be posting much until March. I have 2 exams next week, 2 papers due next Friday, and a group presentation that more or less has to be done by the end of next week. I've been freaking out over my biostatistics exam next Tuesday, as the professor originally made the exam in-class (at 8:30am), closed book, and no cheat-sheet. However, today he emailed us to let us know we could bring a cheat-sheet on a 8.5x11-inch sheet of paper. That's seriously a godsend. Now to jot down every formula under the sun onto that sheet of paper.

Spring Break is the week after next, and I'll be going to Tianjin and Beijing, China to observe and learn how the China CDC deals with measles, along with other students in the school of public health here. Measles isn't an issue in the US due to consistent vaccination programs, however, US measles cases have doubled recently (to about 188 or something like that). More parents now are choosing to not vaccinate their children (after the stupid and unfounded claim that the MMR vaccine is linked to autism), which is causing a ton of worry in the health professions.

Measles is HIGHLY contagious. It usually doesn't have very severe symptoms, but it can cause death. In China, I believe several thousand children die each year to measles. Measles was in the top 10 killer of children under 5 (ranking higher than HIV) worldwide in 2000. So while on an individual level it's generally not too bad, on a population level it can be quite lethal to a lot of kids.

---TANGENT---
Okay, there's something I wanted to jot down before I forget. So there are apparently things I say all the time and never noticed. Currently, they are as follows (as pointed out to me by my friends):

"Fair enough."

"In theory . . ." or "Theoretically . . ."

"Hypothetically . . ."

"Well, in my limited experience . . ." or "Well, with my limited knowledge . . ."

AG-F cites that everything above other than "Fair enough" is evidence of my deep science training and background. It's true. Scientists usually try to be very cautious in what they say, and so I've adopted the above caveats when talking about things that I may not know with complete certainty to be true or false (which happens to be most things).
---END TANGENT---

Ask a Blogger #2

Okay, so this harks back to AJ's post here. I think I'm supposed to answer and pose the next question, as I was the "first" to comment. But Doomed but Cheerful also responded to AJ's question, and so I suppose the "Ask a Blogger" game splits two ways - his line, and mine.

So a quick recap of the rules as set forth by AJ (as understood by me):

1. Blogger 1 (AJ) posts a question on his own blog.
2. The first person to comment on Blogger 1's blog post needs to direct readers to his/her blog, and then becomes Blogger 2.
3. Blogger 2 (I guess me and Doomed but Cheerful) answers Blogger 1's question on his/her own blog (so Blogger 2's blog).
4. Blogger 2 posts a question on his/her blog.
5. Repeat ad nauseum, Blogger 3 answers Blogger 2's question on Blogger 3's blog and posts a question on his/her own blog, etc etc.

So Question #1: Where was the weirdest place you jerked off or had sex? And where was the most daring place you jerked off or had sex?

Answer: I think the weirdest place I jerked off was in the dorm shower stall. This wouldn't be weird at all if my roommate wasn't also taking a shower in the next stall over and we were having a conversation on the game Starcraft. The most daring place would be in my dining room, and my brothers were 2 rooms over playing a computer game or something. My answers are kind of lame. So I'll add that the weirdest/most daring place I've thought about jerking off is in an airplane bathroom. Hmm, I guess I'll have that opportunity in two weeks . . .

So, now my Question #2: If you could spend one day (24-hour period) with a blogger whose blog you read and comment on, who would it be, where would you go, and what would you do? Please link to that blog in your answer as well.

Jump Start

Wow it's been over a week since I last blogged. o.O I've been busy and tired like never before. A few highlights are warranted, I suppose. This is a surprisingly long post that I didn't intend on being so long. But there's your disclaimer.

Jump Start
So last Saturday my parents came by so I could take them to the airport and then I'd have the car with me for a week while they were in CA celebrating my grandpa's 80th birthday. Getting to the airport was fine, getting back was fine. It was very overcast, so my car lights were on. No big deal, they usually turn themselves off.

I went inside to just waste some time before I had to go down to central campus for GSI training. Well, an hour and half later I come out and see my lights still on! I thought, "Well, it's been less than 2 hours, how drained could the battery possibly be?" The engine wouldn't start. The breaks locked. Every warning light flashed on. :(

Yesterday morning a friend of mine, EA-F, helped me jump start my car. And it worked!! I gave her a ride to class on central campus, and drove around a bit to charge my car battery. Last time I checked (which was last night) the car still works. Hopefully it'll stay that way until I pick up my parents this Saturday afternoon.

Teaching
I've come to realize that I actually like teaching quite a bit. I like "imparting knowledge" on to others. I like seeing that lightbulb turn on in their eyes (doesn't always happen, but I've had a decent success rate). Being a GSI for the undergrad intro genetics course has been quite rewarding, if not exhausting at times. Each week, I actually look forward to teaching and it's just a high point in my day some days. We had extra office hours this week and end of last week because their first exam was last night. So many people came to office hours! Usually very few people (if anyone) shows up at all.

Proctoring the exam was alright. There were 2 GSIs to each of the two rooms where the exam was held (about 200 students per room). It went pretty smoothly overall, and no one seemed to cheat (as far as I could tell). Towards the end, with 30 minutes left, one girl started to have a massive nosebleed. There was blood all over her exam but, thankfully, not her scantron. I excused her to the bathroom. She came back and still turned in her exam early, so I think she was almost done when that happened. We probably would've given her a few extra minutes if she needed it.

And after the exam, no comes to office hours. XD So I'm here, in my office hours, typing this because no one has (nor will) show up today.

At This Rate . . .
Last Friday in lab, I (almost) royally fucked up my experiment. If I had actually messed up and my PI knew, he might've fired me. I would've fired me at any rate. But first let me back up.

That morning, at 8:30am, we had lab meeting as we always do on Fridays. I had to present my (lack of) data. The PI chewed my head off when I got the verification slide. Thankfully, the two researchers I work with and another grad student came to my rescue and defended me.

So I was doing my experiment, all fine and dandy. I went to teach my two discussion sections and then held office hours afterwards. And then, after all that, returned to the lab to finish my experiment. Half an hour before the end of the experiment, I added an enzyme that I shouldn't have. Basically, this enzyme degrades and destroys the sample I was trying to extract and purify. Luckily my researcher caught it before the enzyme had a chance to completely destroy my samples.

I can't believe this happened! In my defense, it was a long day (8:30am to 7pm straight) and I was following the protocol blindly. The protocol had this one small bolded section on the previous page that I didn't see that told me I wasn't supposed to add the enzyme . . . Sigh. I think when I'm that tired, if the protocol told me to sacrifice two mice to the lab gods I would've found a way.

And on Monday in my lab class, I added the wrong solution to the tubes. Luckily I caught it before I added my samples to those tubes. At this rate I won't be able to pipette by the end of the semester!

Rage with Righteous Fury
This will be brief, because I do not want to and cannot go into details without identifying the individual(s) involved because at least one of them reads this blog. When you read this, please forgive me for typing this out (and don't identify yourself unless you really want to :P). If you email me, I will happily delete this section.

I got an email from a friend the other day who I talk to frequently. He was ranting about something that went horribly wrong with someone he cared about when that person was just a young kid. It was a medical issue. Something got botched - maybe not visibly on the outside, but definitely underneathe the skin.

Being who I am, and caring too much about others as I do, I researched the possible ways it could've happened. I'm pretty confident in my diagnosis of the problem, but to the best of my (nascent) knowledge, there's no solution to the problem. The damage is done and is likely permanent, unless a graft or stem cell therapy is possible (neither is likely I think).

As my friend told me more, the situation got worse and worse. It went from what might've been a medical mishap/accident (things happen, isn't always the doctor's fault) to clear medical malpractice to nothing short of cruelty and torture. And I can't believe it happened in the US. I can't believe a doctor would act so unethically and that the family would be so uncaring and dismissive. It literally haunts me to think it happened the way it did. I think that "doctor" forgot the first tenet of medicine: Above all else, first do no harm.

Edit: My friend allowed me to disclose a few more details about what happened to the person he cared about. So what happened to this person is that he had a circumcision when he was 7-years-old or so. Something went wrong and the anesthesia didn't work right. They kept injecting anesthesia into his penis repeatedly as he screamed and cried. After the circumcision, he suddenly lost the vast majority of feeling in the head of his penis and now can barely feel a thing there. There are more details that would reveal the unethical and more cruel/torturous side of this, but I'll spare you all.

And so, as I write this, I'm burning at the thought and I want justice to be restored. Reparations, at least bodily reparation, is very unlikely. But again, I'm not a doctor (yet) and I'm certainly not a specialist in the fields required. And sometimes I ask myself, why do I care so much to let something that happened to someone I don't know and probably will never meet get to me?

Okay, I guess it wasn't that brief. Sue me (but really, please don't - save that for the "doctor" in question).

Other Highlights
On a completely different topic, I've been talking to more bloggers online! :D There are bloggers from everywhere (though a ton seem to be concentrated in CA). I love getting to know people from all over the place.

Hmm, I would say something more interesting here right now. But my office hours are about up and I'm going to head to the gym soon. I'll blog about something more . . . interesting later. ;-)