Thursday, February 28, 2008

Torn Internal Reflections

I really dislike it when someone says something like "Don't put a label on yourself." Yes, I know I'm much more than any particular label, whether it applies to my gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, etc. But still, such things sometimes help one sort things out and right now, I need something. I'm not sure what that is exactly.

My Mask of Duality has been fighting itself; in fact, it may have two independent sides that just happen to lie side-by-side to create a mask. I don't even know how to best describe this. It suddenly feels like there's a schism somewhere.

Let's start off simple. I've been feeling like a "bad Chinese-American" in my Chinese class. Yes, I'm fluent in Mandarin Chinese, but this semester I'm going up against people who're more fluent. I'm more or less only fluent in conversational Chinese, the day-to-day stuff that I need to get by. Some of these students utilize "advanced" vocab and I can hear the differences in their inflections and tones. I find myself stuttering but for no good reason. Now I'll use this as an analogy of sorts.

While I (still) "label" myself as bisexual, it doesn't feel quite right. Again, there is a "heterosexual" side of me and a "homosexual" side. And man do they like to duke it out sometimes. If I were to place attraction on a 100% scale, I'd say I'm attracted to men about 60-70% of the time, and the remaining 30-40% to women. It fluctuates in ways beyond my control, and I don't even know what to do with it.

It's evident that both sides reside in me, but in a similar way as Chinese and English. Both present but not simultaneously usually. I either speak Chinese or English, and rarely mix the two. It's similar with sexuality. But that leads to confusion. Argh, it's frustrating. Stuck in the middle, one foot (or part of) on either side, sometimes leaning this way or that.

Okay, I've rambled too much and this makes no sense. It made a lot more sense in my head, or last night. And I've blogged about this before, in much the same way. Why am I so torn still?

Two more blogs I came across, check them out if you haven't!

To Thine Ownself Be True
In or Out?


W said...

Thanks for the congratulations!

It's hard eh, with all this self monitoring going on. But I guess, as time goes on, we'll become more comfortable with ourselves and find our core values after our layers have peeled away.
Goodluck with your apps and such.

B said...

I know how you feel, I'm going through similar confusion now. I've felt attracted to both guys and girls but in different ways, and it fluctuates. So frustrating!