An Inner Peace

Inner Peace by *MistyTang on deviantART

This vacation has been much needed to decompress, de-stress, refocus, and recharge.  It has also been useful to help me re-center myself find an inner peace again.  I've been so off-balance the past 4-5 months it's scary.

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This morning, just before waking up, I had a dream.  Bear with me for a while.  In this dream, I was seeing maybe a 16-year-old black/Latino teen in clinic.  He had a history of cancer, now in remission.  He was complaining of abdominal pain and had a large laparatomy-type scar.  I do my exam and summon my attending.  She brings in another attending, who cuts open the surgical scar to peek underneath (this never happens in real life, btw).  His organs looked good but we were shocked to not find any rectus muscles or even a peritoneal sheathe.  The attending closes him up, wraps his abdomen with bandages, and send him to the procedure room where I would suture/staple his wound close.

He manages to hobble over there, obviously in some pain.  I gather my supplies and head over there.  I enter the room to find him face-down on the ground, barely conscious.  I run over to him, turn him over, and check the ABCs (airway, breathing, and cardiac).  He was breathing and had a pulse, but was in some pain.  The first attending stopped by the door where I call a code.  She goes off to assemble a quick team (this also never happens in real life, an attending won't just up and leave like that).  It being the end of the day, practically no one was around.  It was just me and this teen, barely conscious, in pain, but breathing and heart beating.

A respiratory therapist comes by and gives me a bag and mask, which at that point my patient stops breathing.  I resuscitate him with the bag and mask, while checking his pulse.  A third-year resident comes by and assesses the situation, and by now my patient has regained consciousness.  I was able to give him some pain meds, staple his wound close, and send him out the door (also doesn't happen in real life, you don't send a critical person home).

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Although unrelated, something about that dream triggered a moment of clarity and an inner peace.  I realized that I must have been, in some way and to some degree, in love with my friend (who's been mentioned a few times now).  This was why I dwelt on him for so long, why it felt like a slow painful heartbreak.  What we had shared in the past felt right, and may have been right at that time.  But not now.  Not when we're on opposite coasts and there's an age gap and he has a boyfriend.  Perhaps he too felt this tug, and decided to cut off contact to "rip off the bandage" as it were and get it over with.  I will likely never know.  But I'm at peace with it now.

Why should I cling to something so ephemeral when reality dictates that it wasn't meant to last?  I will always remember the friendship we had shared and that time together.  I'm okay that he's decided to close contact on his end, but I may still intermittently send him a warm text or message.  I'm okay being a friend in the shadows, available if/when he decides to contact me again.

I feel, for the first time since all this started, I can move on yet still hold on to what we had.

P.S. Bonus points to whoever catches the reference in the deviantART pic shown above.

Last Man Standing

Last Man Standing by *Cute-And-Bright on deviantART

Yeah yeah, I know it's been months since I last posted.  In my defense, it's been such a crazy ride I don't even know where to begin!  This residency thing is no joke, with all the days that I just want to break down and punch a wall.  To anyone contemplating medicine, my advice is: do not do it if you can see yourself doing anything else with your life.

Anyway, I've basically been on 5 inpatient rotations back-to-back, starting with NICU, then wards, then 4 weeks of night shift (6:30pm till 8am), then back to wards, then to newborn nursery (which, despite the benign-sounding name, has inpatient hours - 6:30am till 7pm).  That's basically 5 months straight of working 13-14+ hours a day, averaging 6 of 7 days a week.  I've had to work 19 days straight twice already!  Those 19 days are brutal.  And even that's an understatement.

At the end of each day I'm just exhausted.  I barely have time to take care of errands, much less myself!  My chief residents wonder why I don't feel "happy and excited to go to work every day."  Gee, it's not rocket science.  If you basically work twice the "normal" 40 hours/week and have half the number weekend days off in a month, would you be happy and excited even if it's something you love doing?  Likely not, I think.  It's not that I don't love my patients and families - I do.  They're why I haven't quit (well, one of many reasons).  And there are rare moments of joy in my day, but it's so hard to really feel "happy and excited" when it feels like you're just nose to the grindstone every single day.  At least I'm not a surgery resident . . . I'd probably have quit or committed suicide by now.

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On another depressing note, I think I may have lost a friend.  Even back in June I hadn't chatted with him in like a month or so.  Now it feels like all communication has been cut off.  He doesn't respond to Facebook messages, texts, IM's (actually, he doesn't even show up on IM or Skype anymore, leading me to think he has either deleted or blocked me), Tumblr messages, etc.  A couple weeks ago I noticed that he unfollowed me on Tumblr and blocked me, such that none of his posts showed up on my dashboard.

I'm at a loss for words and thoughts.  I don't know what I did.  I know he has a boyfriend who he's quite involved with, is busy with school and work, but it just doesn't explain why he doesn't respond to any mode of communication.  I even called him once or twice and left a voicemail.  I don't know what to do.  I haven't really tried to communicate with him much over the past several weeks, to give him some space.  I'm just at a loss as to why he cut me off like this in the first place.  Maybe it's partly cuz of what we did when we met in person, and given he has a boyfriend now?  Idk.

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On a happier note, I was lucky to have Thanksgiving off so I could go visit my family (I work both Christmas and New Year's).  It's always nice to see my grandparents and my little cousin.  It's such a world removed from work.

And now I'm on vacation visiting my brother in Texas for a few days.  Huzzah!  It's nice to sleep in.  :-)  I'll try to find time to post some pics later this week when I return to my apartment.  After 5 blocks of inpatient rotations back-to-back, these 2 weeks of vacation are sooooo well-deserved.  And I fear it'll fly by quicker than I can blink . . .

I Survived . . .?

I survived by ~CasheeFoo on deviantART

Somehow I survived my first block of wards (and my second inpatient block, the first being NICU).  Wards is basically what you would imagine hospital medicine to be like, the kind of thing you see on "House" or whatnot.

The first day I was handed 6 patients I knew nothing about, one of whom was a cluster-fuck of complicated medical problems.  The rarity and severity of her illnesses terrified me.  Within a day or two I was expected to know her inside and out.  I was literally running around the hospital trying to figure my way around and see all my patients before meeting with the rest of the team for rounds.  This was far worse than any experience I had as a med student, because as a med student you're still under the aegis of your resident who protects you - more than I had previously appreciated.  And oh yeah, I had to basically learn an EMR (electronic medical record) and use it by the end of the first day.  Not cool.

I felt so overwhelmed that by the end of the second day I was ready to throw the laptop I was working on out the window and run out of the hospital screaming at the top of my lungs and quit on the spot.  I somehow, not sure how, held it together.  The med students arrived the third day.  I held it together.  For them.  I could not show my weaknesses in front of them - I had to give them the impression that peds was a great field (it still is).  Luckily I had inexplicably hit my stride as well and starting doing alright after that.

Having a med student by my side did wonders for my morale.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and bounce diagnostic ideas off of who won't judge me or think I'm an idiot.  Also once I discovered the most efficient path forward for me, nothing stops me.  As a med student I really struggled with finding that path, as it's not a med student's job to be efficient.  On the contrary, med students are supposed to be exceedingly thorough.  My sub-I as a M4 student kicked my ass, but in hindsight I was only able to survive wards now because of that experience.  I dare say I became the most efficient of the 4 interns on during this block.

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In other news, guys here kind of suck.

I've been stood up on a couple dates or otherwise had plans change/get delayed.  It's okay if you're going to be 10-15 min late, but 2-3 hours?!  Come on, that's just rude.  Makes me want to give up looking (as if I had the time anyway, ha!).

Been chatting with a few people, hopefully something goes somewhere.

All the Babies!

Sorry for the lack of posting, it's been quite hectic (but manageable, sorta).

I just finished a block of genetics subspecialty outpatient clinic.  Genetics is a fascinating subject as always, and I must say, this block reignited some of my former interest in the field.  I'm not sure if it's enough to make me want to pursue it as a fellowship and career, but it's back on the radar, lol.

In the middle there I did a week of nights.  I got pretty good at assessing normal healthy newborns, haha.  But man there's such a learning curve when you haven't done it in like 2 years!!  I was lucky enough to get some sleep most nights, but the schedule of nights (6:30pm to 7am) is still rough.  Takes a while to adjust and adjust back.

Now I'm in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).  I was terrified of it at the start, but it actually turned out to be a really nice rotation.  I'm definitely learning a lot about taking care of premature babies, often with other health problems too.  After a while they mostly become "feeders and growers," that is they're just eating to gain enough weight to go home.

Anyway, up until now, the majority of my experience has been with babies.  All the babies!  Haha.  They're pretty cute, I must say.  One just has to get on the good side of their territorial and protective nurses, lol.

I've had the privilege to see some weird and rare things, which is really cool.  I mean things that we should not be seeing because current routine medical care should have picked up these things earlier, but there are always babies that slip through the cracks.  It's quite unfortunate when a baby could be otherwise perfectly normal and healthy sees us and by then it's too late to stop the worst of it.

Anywho, enough rambling.  Must sleep.  6:30am to 7pm schedule is pretty rough too.  Unfortunately that's my schedule for the next several months . . .  As one of my senior residents said to me, "Oh wow, I'm sorry.  But the Lord doesn't give us more than what we can take."  I hope she's right.  Still, I'm soooo glad I'm not a surgical resident.

An . . . Interesting Start

A few updates are in order I do believe, lol.

1.  Moved across the country!!  Changed my driver's license, car registration, and car plates to this new state.  All within 3 hours (the DMV lady who helped me was SUPER understanding and helpful).

2.  Visited my relatives!  I had my car shipped to my grandpa's place ahead of me so I didn't have to drive across country.  That would've been brutal!  Visiting relatives is fun, I like hanging out with my little cousin here.  My grandpa is just now really seriously starting to push that I be in a relationship and hopefully marry in the near-ish future, before he gets too old and such . . . sigh.

3.  Moved into a new apartment!  It's nice having a 1-bedroom apartment to yourself.  I actually think this apartment is somewhat larger than my old 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath that I shared with my roommate in med school for 4 years, lol.

4.  Met my co-interns!  My co-interns are all super nice and funny people.  And they don't take themselves too seriously, which is good considering we're all pediatricians, haha.  Definitely a group I can see us bonding together and hanging out with during our (borderline non-existent) free time.  Only thing is that most (all?) of them are either married or in long-term relationships, so the significant others will be a major factor in our social gatherings.  I really need to get on that . . .

5.  Had an . . . interesting start to orientation.  We had PALS (pediatric advance life support) training the first 2 days.  On the first day, 6 of us (half the intern year, mind you) came back from lunch about 5 minutes late and the mean stickler instructor lady refused to let us back in.  She told us we had to reschedule and pay for it out-of-pocket . . . that's $250!!  She was totally being unreasonable.  Our program coordinator tried her best to help us sort out the situation and when the Chair of the Pediatrics Department found out how poorly she treated us, he was furious.  It's likely that the program won't be using them next year . . .

6.  Haven't talked to my friend (mentioned in post here) for a LONG time.  I miss chatting with him.  He's out of school for the summer and started a summer job that leaves him tired at the end of the day.  I frequently see him online for short periods of time, but he rarely responds to my messages or texts anymore.  In fact, we haven't chatted in almost a month!  Not for a lack of trying on my part.  I know he's also busy with a few other things, including hanging out with his close friends who're also out for the summer, but still - it kinda hurts.  It really does feel like he's ignoring me as much as he can.  I've decided to just back off for the next few weeks/months and see if he comes around.  Hopefully so, because I do miss chatting with him.  :-(

Phew!  I think you're more or less up-to-date now.  Why're all the girls I'm interested in either married or in long-term relationships, and all the guy's I'm interested in so far away (aka another state/country)?!?!  Sigh.

Officially an MD!! Now What?

Last Thursday: Was hooded by my faculty adviser.  Apparently these academic hoods were useful back in the day (not so much as hoods, but as a means to keep the neck and shoulders warm, and a place to put one's wallet, lol).

Last Friday:  Graduated!!  Now officially an MD, woohoo!!

Last Saturday:  Pack pack pack.  Friend's wedding.  Pack.

Sunday:  Pack pack pack.  Last brunch with friends in town.  Then drive 6-7 hours back to my parents' place.

Today:  Happy Birthday to me!  Well, my birthdays tend to almost always be lackluster, so whatever.  It was pretty chill.  Watched the new Star Trek movie with my brother, that was good.  :-)

The Next Stage

Wow.  Graduation is in less than a week.  In less than a week I'll have my MD.  And in a month from yesterday I'll start orientation for residency in a state across the country (at least it's not as far away as Alaska or Hawaii? lol).

The last 3 months have flown by.  It's like I blinked and I'm here.  Doesn't help that it's still a bit cold outside even now in May, haha.  I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for this next stage - for financial independence, for having a real job, for being responsible for the life (and death) of patients.  It's only in retrospect that I can appreciate how far I've come, but I've still got a ways to go in so many respects.

I was never one of those people who hurried to grow up.  In fact, just the opposite.  I did NOT want to grow up.  Childhood is so short, adulthood is so long and fraught with issues that no one else can solve but you.  Maybe this is part of the reason why I'm doing pediatrics, who knows.

At these critical junctions I find myself reflecting in nostalgia - what would and could have been if my life had taken a different path.  What if I decided to take a year off and complete my MPH?  What if I decided not to pursue medicine?  What if, instead of being paralyzed in fear and confusion, I had decided to date her in undergrad?  What if I had decided to come out to my parents?

I have little regret in the things I have done.  I only regret the things I haven't done or haven't been able to do.  They say that medicine is one of the ultimate delayed gratifications.  You spend the majority of your 20s studying your ass off, working long hours, often putting life and health on hold.  This continues (or perhaps worsens) in residency, and in the blink of an eye, you're in your 30s.

It's okay though.  There's still some of my 20s left.  Sure I may not have much time off each year, but that just makes each day off that much more precious.  With my salary, with my own money, I will have the ability to do many of the things I want without having to consider the debt looming over my head (which will get paid off in time).  And with the new duty hour limits of 80 hours/week, I may even have time to develop a social life if I'm efficient.

So it's alright, I can't stop the flow of time just as much as I can't reverse it.  I have just begun creating a bucket list and I'll be damned if I'm unable to do every one of those items!  This wasn't the post I originally meant to write, but here you have it.  Sorry for the scattered thoughts.

A Difference in Philosphy

A few days ago, several of us got together for wine and cheese tasting and we decided to hang out afterwards.  There was a teacher, a surgeon, a pediatrician, and an MD/PhD in training.  Much of the evening was wrapped in very heated debate, from gun control, to "Obamacare," and to education.

At the heart of the debate is a difference in philosophy, not dissimilar to democrats vs republicans.  It is no secret that education in the US is in need of an update.  The question is, how to best remake the education system in the US?

On one side is the surgeon, utilizing a surgeon's thinking.  The argument: We should focus our resources on those who can best utilize them and elevate those students to their maximum potential, and not "waste" resources on the students at the bottom who cannot demonstrate improvement.  Society should strive to equip the best and brightest with the means to achieve what they're meant to.  This makes sense in a surgeon's mind, as a surgeon must be able to triage which patients are suitable for surgery and which aren't.

On the other side is the teacher and (peripherally) the pediatrician.  The argument: We provide all students the necessary resources to succeed - for the bottom of the class to reach the middle, and for the best and brightest to soar.  Every child in society deserves a fair shot at an education, with resources devoted to the struggling as well as to the gifted.

The problem with the first argument is that it is in danger of creating a tiered caste society, only widening the achievement gap into a chasm.  The problem with the second argument is that there simply aren't enough resources or political will to make it a reality everywhere.

My personal issue with the first argument is that I believe that all children deserve a fair shot, not just some.  And yes, some children need more help and resources to achieve, but it is possible.  I have seen it.  I have worked with a charter school that - rather takes the best of the best students - takes the worst students in public schools and demonstrates that they can at least achieve to the middle.  These are students who dropped out of school due to LGBTQ bullying, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, mild mental health issues, etc.  Given the right learning environment, they are not hopeless.

On a more personal note, I have a good friend growing up who went to the same schools as me for most of our K-12 lives.  I was almost always in the honors/AP courses.  He was barely scraping by in the regular courses.  His educational experience was vastly different than mine.  My teachers expected us to push hard and succeed.  His teachers treated him as though he could not achieve and would never amount to anything much more, that learning wasn't as important for him.  This negatively impacted him until he had a moment where he was determined to change his fate.  He transitioned from a 2-year college to a 4-year state university, and from there got a good stable job helping others in bad social situations.  He was able to succeed.  Is he the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates?  No.  But neither am I.

The reality of the current status in education is neither - currently the system is more and more being set up to "teach to the test," thereby aiming to bring the bottom up but also inadvertently bringing the top down, both meeting in the middle.  Critical courses such as creative expression (art, music, theater, etc) and physical activity (gym, recess) are being cut out in order to cram more math and science to satisfy the tests (and I'd argue that science isn't even being taught properly on the whole).  Current education is trending towards mediocrity as more tests are implemented to demonstrate achievement and teachers are being paid for performance (an oversimplification and generalization, but I'm not in education so this is just what I hear).

I don't know the answer to "fixing" the system, just as I don't know the answer to fixing healthcare.  Obamacare is one answer, but I'm not convinced it's the best or final answer.  The alternatives aren't much better though.  What I do know is that the answer depends on the philosophy we choose to take, both on a personal level and as a society.  Are only some worthy of the resources?  Do everyone get the exact same resources?  Or is the answer more nuanced?  I don't know but I do know that the answer is a difference in philosophy.

First Time

The First Time by ~ChadtheFab on deviantART

Welp, no longer a virgin anymore I suppose.  It was meh.  But perhaps I should backtrack.

Yesterday, a (gay) friend visited me who I haven't seen in almost a year.  I've known him for probably 4-5 years or so.  He's in the process of moving out of his town to literally halfway across the globe, so I insisted that he visit me before he left the country.  We had also flirted/bantered online back and forth about all this (sex), so none of it is any surprise.

So anyway, long story short, we had brunch, we hung out a bit, we went back to my apartment where I eventually coaxed him.  We wanked each other a bit before I ask if he was up for "something more."  I handed him a condom and lube and asked what he wanted to do - he would top, and I would bottom.

He asked, "Don't you want your first time to be special?"

To which I replied, "Meh, I'm over special.  Plus this is special in its own way."  I've been holding off and waiting for so long, I don't really care anymore.  I'd much rather it be him than some one night stand whose sexual history I know nothing about and will never see/talk to again.

So he put on the condom and lubed up . . . it wasn't enough lube.  It hurt when he tried and I told him to stop.  He applied some more lube and then slowly entered.  It was alright.  He's about 7 inches and somewhat thick.  He slowly ramped the speed of his pounding - I didn't like that too much.  He never hit the good spots (aka, the prostate) for very long back he was going faster; it felt much better when he slowed down.  Eventually I actually kinda got bored and told him to stop, and we'd just wank each other to finish.

He then did this thing to me that he discovered accidentally a while back with some other (uncut) guys.  He just rubbed the bare head with his lubed hand and I was soooo sensitive - he had me squirming and twitching.  It felt tortuously good, but it wasn't the kind of good that gets me to orgasm.  At one point I'm pretty sure I shot out pre-cum, as I felt a spray of something up to my chest and shoulder; it definitely wasn't cum.

After he finished me off, I returned the favor.  I basically tried the same thing he did, but he wasn't anywhere as sensitive (he's cut).  However, when he came and squirted all over he chest - if he hadn't sat up slightly he would've probably shot over his head - I continued to rub his penis.  He suddenly got that post-orgasm sensitivity and I thought I'd repay him for basically doing what he did to me, lol.  He actually grabbed my hand to stop me - too bad he grabbed the wrong hand, muahaha.

So there you have it, my first time.  It was meh.  I suppose it's something to get used to, an "acquired taste" if you will?  Hmm . . . I imagine first-time sex with a woman may be more enjoyable, haha.

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My time with the last guy (post here) was way more enjoyable.  I think it was because of all the kissing and cuddling, it just felt way more affectionate.  Oh well, experiences.

I Matched!!

Wow.  What a day.  The Ides of March.  Match Day.

It's been a crazy ride.  I'm SO glad that my med school doesn't make students read where they matched out loud to the entire class.  So many people would've completely broke down crying (in joy or sadness).  Instead, my med school puts all the match envelops in a bin and chooses out names at random.

As each of my friends go up to get their results, I see their faces downcast as they matched their 6th or 8th place.  Finally one of my friends matched her #1 and I was called shortly after.  I was SO nervous - like nauseated and heart palpitations.  Imagine my (shock and) surprise when I matched at my NUMBER TWO rank!!  :-D

It's not my #1, but it's (obviously) the next best.  I had psyched myself up for my #1 so much in my head that really almost all of my other ranks paled in comparison, which is unfair.  It's unreal.  Even now I can't quite believe it.

Actually I'm starting to have irrational doubts now.  Will I be okay with the culture shock of moving so far away?  Did I make the right choice in the order of ranking my programs?  Did I lower myself as a candidate for not ranking more "prestigious" programs higher?  Will I have the time and energy to have a social life outside the hospital?

Like I said, irrational.  In retrospect, this may be the perfect match for me, even though it's #2.  It's a smaller (but not "small") program without fellows, and so more attention can be paid towards teaching me and mentoring me.  It still has all the sub-specialties represented and is a free-standing children's hospital - so my training is automatically solid.  And it's still in the state I want to be in (albeit not quite in the area of the state I'd prefer to be in, but that's okay).

It was a tough match this year.  Lots of disappointed people who applied to a surgical programs, or even medicine programs.  The number of American med school graduates keep growing, but the residency slots are static (some programs may even have shrunk a little as a consequence of the crap going on at the federal government level).  It's only going to get tougher but at the end of the day, most people match, which means most of us will become the clinical doctors that we went to med school to be.

In about 2 months, I will have an MD and have a spot as a pediatric resident.  :-)

Lonely Thoughts

First of all, thanks to those who read my last post.  Alas, said guy in that post has been accepted to a 4-year university in another state (one I didn't apply to for residency) and has a crush on another guy for a while now.  The chances of something physical between us are vanishingly small.  But I'm okay with that, I seriously wish him all the best - I'd rather have him as "just" a friend than not at all.

I'm glad that I'm done with surgery - forever.  It's almost surreal.  It's been such a privilege to be a part of surgery.  I think that's the main reason why I don't hate the OR (operating room).  At no other time can you say you've been hands deep in another person's abdomen, or held a person's bowels out of the way, or cut off a person's leg.  It is a privilege - as is all of medicine - to help someone in such an intimate way.  But whereas I willingly relinquish my privilege to ever do surgery, I acquire the privilege of being the first doctor a child sees in life and helping kids and families through good times and bad.  And that's exactly what I signed up for.
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So the real purpose of this post is to vent my annoyance.  Over the past year, most of my friends have paired up and a number have/will be getting engaged.  And much of our conversations involve them talking (either positively or venting) about their significant others.  And it irritates me.

I know they don't mean to, but I can't bring it up.  I can't ask them to not be with their other half especially when I'm friends with all of them too.  I've apparently been described by some friends as a "bitch" lately for being annoyed and snapping heads off at particular things.  Maybe I have but I'm not going to apologize for it.  I know I'm treated (unconsciously) as a secondary friend by now.  People will bend over for their significant others but make excuses to not hang out when I ask.  I expect no less.

I'm at such a stagnant time-point in my life.  It's frustrating.  I hesitate to act until I know where I'll end up for residency (Match is next Friday! oh my!!).  But here everyone is on the way to getting married and I'm not much further than I was since I started this blog . . .

Maybe I should just focus on me, my career, and accept that I'll be alone forever.

To Hold and Be Held

Held so tightly by ~TopScoff on deviantART

I had been debating whether to post this or not, but I've decided that I want to remember the event as vividly as I can.  The following will get graphic, so if your sensibilities are easily offended, please skip this post.  I assure you, I will blog again soon.

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I met him online months ago, in a forum not unlike this one.  We messaged for a while before we added each other's IM.  I had half-jokingly agreed that if I got an interview in his area, he must visit me and I'd take him on a date.  Sometimes the stars do align, if only briefly.

Several weeks ago I went to an interview near him.  When I arrived at the train station, he was sitting there waiting for me in a black hoodie and jeans.  He was thinner and slightly shorter than me with dark brown hair, mesmerizing grey eyes, and a short goatee.  We first stopped by my hotel to drop my things off then went to a nearby Thai restaurant for lunch - his first time having Thai food.  Afterwards we went to a local natural history museum; I totally geeked out and I think he was amused by it all, haha.  It was a tiny museum and so we decided to stop for coffee on our way back to my hotel.  We chatted for a while over our coffee - him a mocha, me a chai latte.

There were still several hours before my pre-interview evening event, so we headed back to my hotel to see if there was any good movies on.  As he flipped through the channels, I positioned myself behind him to give him a back massage.  He had been so stressed lately and there were so many knots in his back - there were knots in places I didn't know a muscle could knot!  I began on his shoulders and kneading his upper back, working the knots out.  As I moved down, I found knots between his ribs and in his lower back.  At this point he laid on his stomach so I could get better access to his lower back.  I got a bit daring and went further, massaging his butt and upper thighs - wouldn't you have known, he had knots there too (somehow)!

I gave him a thorough massage for a good 30 minutes or more before he sat up.  He leaned back into me until we were both lying on our backs on the bed.  He turned towards me and wrapped his arms and legs around me like a koala to a tree, and laid his head in the crook of my neck.  I rested my head on his, smelling his hair.  To hold and be held like this, to cuddle, was such indescribable pleasure and relaxation.  As he cuddled I stroked his back and arms with my arm that was wrapped around him.  This guy really loved cuddling.  It's on par with a little kid/toddler in the amount and quality of physical affection, and it was awesome to hold and be held like that.

With my other arm, I stroked his chest, his stomach - first over his shirt then under.  Then I moved my hands down to his hip and around under his boxer-briefs to grab his fuzzy butt a few times.  He didn't object.  To test the limits of this, I moved my hands around to the front until I felt the head of his cock, already hard and completely wet with precum.  I massaged it a bit with my fingertips until he rotated himself till he was on top of me.  He undid his belt and unzipped his jeans, the tip of his cock peeking above his underwear.

He leaned in for a kiss.  It was awkward at first on my end, as it has been a really long time since I had kissed anyone.  As we kissed I had my hands on his cock, giving it a few strokes.  He then took off his shirt, pants, and underwear, revealing his entire cock for the first time.  It was one of the most beautiful uncut cocks I had ever seen - he was so hard that his foreskin had pulled back entirely.  He claimed it was about 6.5" but it looked closer to 7" and was quite thick.  He leaned in to kiss again before reaching into my pants to find my cock hard and wet with precum (I don't usually precum much, unless I'm very aroused - which I was).  He undid my belt, pulled off my pants, gave my cock a few strokes, pulled back my foreskin and put my cock in his mouth.

He knew what he was doing, sucking and licking my foreskin in such an oh-so-exciting way.  He stroked me a bit before I had him lie back to return the favor.  I gave his cock a good squeeze and saw a large drop of precum bead at the tip.  I pulled his foreskin over and licked the tip in circles before pulling it back and tried to suck as much of his cock as I could.  I put my tongue between his foreskin and the head and licked in circles, causing him to moan a little.

At some point he was above me and we tried to 69 . . . it was hilariously awkward because we couldn't quite coordinate ourselves.  We mostly ended up sucking and playing with each other's balls and asses for a bit.  He had me stop a couple times because he was close to cumming, so I paused while he kept going on me.  I would've given myself completely over to him had he a condom on him.

Maybe an hour later I was close to cumming.  It's weird being on the edge of cumming but not quite being able to because someone else is in control and they switch it up between oral and different strokes just as you're about to go over the edge.  It had been a week since I had gotten off (not much time what with the constant traveling, dining, and interviewing) and I was soooo sensitive.  When I started to cum, it came out like a flood - it gushed with each spasm but in between it felt like cum was still pouring out.  One of the best orgasms I've had.

He had laid himself across me in such a way that my cum splattered his chest.  It was my turn to return the favor.  Soon he was moaning and riding the same edge that I had just been - almost there but not quite.  Finally I got him over and his cum sprayed all over.  I teased his cock head a bit - knowing it'd get super sensitive post-orgasm - until he told me to stop.  We cuddled for a little bit in the afterglow before quickly deciding that we should shower and clean up, haha.

He decided to spend the night with me after my dinner with the residents rather than drive back home.  We cuddled in bed for a while as we chatted and got sleepy.  We crawled under the sheets and he wrapped himself around me.  It felt nice, but . . . I failed to realize how warm another human body could be.  So I kind of overheated haha, and the AC/heater unit thing was making such a racket all night that I barely got any good sleep.  That said, I tried to cuddle every chance I could get without overheating (it's surprisingly awkward to sleep next to someone if you don't position yourself just so).

Happy Chinese New Year!

Take Care little Sister 2012 leaves 2013 by =ShadowSaber on deviantART

新年快乐!  恭喜发财!  身体健康!!

Happy Chinese New Years everyone.  The Year of the Dragon now gives way to the Year of the Snake.

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Apologies for the lack of posts of late.  Transitioning from interviewing and vacation back to rotations is tough, and to a surgical sub-internship no less!  My hatred for surgery is nowhere near as intense as it was last year, though my . . . displeasure for surgery is 90% in the hours (specifically how early I have to wake up).

That said, this surgery site is pretty chill all things considered.  I love taking the surgeries that don't have a resident in them because I get to be first assist and do more (and see more).  The attending surgeons here let me do a fair bit more than I was allowed to as an M3 last year.  I can see how one would love doing surgery; however, I still hate waking up before 5am and standing for hours on end putting strain on my lower back.  I should start doing some yoga . . .

More posts coming up soon (hopefully).  I have an unfinished one drafted.

To Be Wanted . . .

It's such a weird feeling (for me) to be wanted.

What I'm most caught off-guard by during these residency interviews is just how much the program wants me (I suppose that makes sense, otherwise they wouldn't invite me for an interview).  Still, I'm left awkwardly speechless when an interviewer enumerates the various things I've done in med school and react amazed when I describe them.  It's almost embarrassing.

Up until now I've received little recognition outside my circle of friends and faculty advisors for the things I've done.  Everything I've done felt like it was being quietly conducted in the shadows outside the glowing praise of my institution at large.  I never received an award or anything of that sort, and I doubt I ever will - I simply don't have the overwhelming popularity to bring visibility to the things I champion.

But at almost every interview I've been asked to describe (in some detail) the community advocacy work I've done for the Asian and LGBT communities.  Some interviewers are more keen on hearing about the health literacy project I did in the Asian-American community, others are eager to hear about the cultural competency training I forwarded in LGBT health education, and still some want to hear about my involvement on a state policy level.

At one of my recent interviews, my interviewer asked me, "How are you able to do all this?"  And I began to reply that I was lucky and these opportunities fell into my lap in such a way that I couldn't turn them down.  He cut me off and corrected me that I instead "seized the opportunities."  I never thought of it that way, but I suppose he's right.

As these interviews wind to a close, I'm more and more certain of what I bring to a residency program.  This wasn't crystal clear at the beginning, but now I know.  Programs didn't choose me because of my grades or Step 1 score (verily, I'm positive that many programs rejected me based on those criteria), but rather the extensive community outreach and advocacy work I've done.  I'm glad that the 11 places that chose to interview me saw beyond the numbers to something more important that I can bring.

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P.S. For anyone applying to residency programs, everything you write in your ERAS application is fair game for interviewers to ask you about - and they will ask you about them, so know your application stone cold.