All Shall Be Well

They say smell is one of the most ancient and primal senses. A scent can recall memory forgotten by the other 4 senses. In its own way, smells remind me that things will be okay, that all shall be well.

A while ago while leaving a friend's apartment, there was this scent in the hallway. A memory long forgotten resurfaced. I was 3 or 4, in the old apartment my family used to live in. There was a long hallway. One end opened up into the living room and a nook area where my grandma kept her plants. I used to walk around that area amongst the small trees, pretending I was exploring a forest or some exotic jungle. I remember these ceramic bird figures, there was a blue one and a pink one, in the soil. Sometimes I would clean them and replace them back, after playing with them for a bit. My grandma got annoyed at this.

The other end opened up to a long dining room and a kitchen. There was a long table in the dining room with many chairs, probably capable of seating 8 to 12 people. I would crawl under the chairs as if they formed tunnels. There were 3 bedrooms. One next to the kitchen that my uncle and aunt took, one in the long hallway near the living room that my parents took (and I as well), and one on the other side of the kitchen that my grandparents took. There was one small bathroom in the hallway. I can still vaguely remember the blue floor tiling if I tried.

I remember my small pink blanket with my name sewn in one of the corners. I always chewed/sucked on an opposing corner. I was told I couldn't sleep unless I orientated the blanket such that I could suck on that particular corner. Where that blanket is now I do not know, but I believe it's been absorbed into a quilt somewhere.

While driving home from seeing my friend today, I rolled down the windows as I entered my hometown off the freeway. There was this smell, of the surrounding trees and grass. And I knew, even if I ignored all my other senses, that I was home. It was familiar, it was warm, it was home. It's been my home for the last 17 years or so. It made me smile. And now I'll backtrack a bit.

Earlier today I went to go visit my friend, RZ-F, who just came back from China about 2 days ago. She's staying with her cousin (who lives in a city about 30-45 minutes away) until tomorrow, at which point she'll be heading back to her med school. SR-F was back on campus, where we all did our undergrad, for orientation for her pharmacy rotation, which starts on Monday. So she joined us for a movie and dinner. We watched The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was a funny movie, better than I had expected. I don't usually watch romantic comedies. I must say, the one scene where Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds were nude (no frontal, alas) was HOT. Ryan Reynolds being hotter than Sandra Bullock. >.>

Afterwards, after SR-F had to return home early, RZ-F and I talked . . . about med school and the future after that. We talked about what we wanted to do after residency and where we wanted to end up. It was good to talk to someone and work out some of my thoughts. We both agreed that times are truly rough for primary care physicians. In fact, I was listening to the radio and someone said that many primary care physicians are leaving my state because so many people are uninsured (due to the downfall of the Big Three). These doctors are barely surviving off Medicaid/Medicare, and they were going into debt because of it. Primary care physicians are actually quite poor, when all things (such as malpractice insurance, clinic office upkeep, and med school loans) are accounted for.

Too bad primary care is what I'm most likely doing (because pediatrics counts as primary care). However, I think I'll continue on with a fellowship in either medical genetics or endocrinology immediately after residency, so I have a specialty in something and it won't be so bad. Medical genetics is rather obscure, but it's fascinating and is becoming more useful/important (thank God for the Human Genome Project and the HapMap, lol). But throughout all our conversation, I've reached upon a conclusion that I've always known. I will be okay. I will survive. I can still have all I want. Some of it might take a while, but that's fine. I'm doing what in the end will make me happy - maybe not on a day-to-day basis, but in the grand scheme of things. I know my limits pretty well, I know my capabilities pretty well, and I know my study habits. Med school won't be so bad. Residency might be hell, but I'll just bear and grin it. Delayed gratification, it's a bitch.

On my way back home, I felt a small smile creep along the side of my face. In the end, all shall be well. :)

This Feels Like Farewell

No, I'm not going anywhere (with respects to the blogosphere, that is). But it's nearing the end of the summer for me and I haven't really achieved anything I had originally set out to do. For the most part, my summer has been spent wasting away in boredom, disinterest, and laziness. But in a week that's about to change.

You see, in about one week I'll be in another state unpacking and getting ready for med school. The Monday after begins the week of orientation and the Monday after that is the first day of classes. Where has the time flown? Hardly a week ago med school still felt like a long ways away. Now every tick of the clock moves too fast. I still haven't packed, that is to say, packed any more than what I haven't unpacked since coming back home.

Am I excited for med school? Yes. Am I ready to leave this house? Yes. Am I nervous? Hell yes. Above all this feels like farewell. It is farewell to the state I've lived in for the majority of my life. It is farewell from the friends I've made over the last 5 to 15 years. It is farewell to long lazy days, farewell to vacations, farewell to sleep, farewell to free time, farewell to any kind of income for the next 4 years . . .

It's as if a strange shroud of doubt lingers at the edges of my heart. It's not that I doubt I can take what med school throws my way. It's not that I doubt I will survive med school. It's not the doubt that I will end up a good doctor (and hopefully, a great doctor). It's that I doubt I will be able to stand what I'm sacrificing in the process, what I've already sacrificed without realizing. It's that I doubt med school will allow me to truly find all of me, if that makes sense. As my friend says, "That's what you get for wanting to help people." That some twisted irony there.

---TANGENT---
Before I continue, I would like to say farewell to Courage of A Beautiful Addiction... I've enjoyed your blog over the months and I've enjoyed chatting with you on MSN. I wish you the best with the coming academic year, I wish you the best with Kyle, and I wish you the best in every endeavor you undertake.

While this is your farewell, I will secretly follow your blog with the hopes that perhaps, a year or two from now, you return to the blogosphere. Until then, please don't be a stranger on MSN.
---END TANGENT---

Anywho, to end this post on a happy note, please watch the YouTube vids below. I insist that you do watch them as they are quite amusing and cute, and will more likely than not elicit a smile, if only a twinge. I found them while pursing blogs (that I cannot remember) and the last one was linked to me by a friend.

Signs


Kiwi!


JK Wedding Entrance Dance

This Will Not End Well

I often browse The New York Times every few days because I generally hold their professional journalistic ability in high regard. However, every now and then, I come across an article that I greatly disagree with.

Earlier this week I came across the article South Africa Is Seen to Lag in HIV Fight. The title wasn't really news but the moment I began reading the it, the epidemiologist in me bristled with indignation. The article focused almost exclusively on the low rate of male circumcision in South Africa as a major factor for the nation's high HIV rate. It barely mentioned the importance of condoms (and combating the Pope's erroneous statements about condoms), access to HIV testing, access to HAART drugs, safe sex education and behavior, LGBT rights, women's rights, and mother-to-child transmission of HIV - all necessary and greatly lacking in South Africa (and verily, most sub-Saharan African countries). This will not end well.

The purpose of this post is singular: to dispel the belief that male circumcision will make a significant dent (if at all) in lowering HIV rates.

The argument for male circumcision hinges on 3 studies (all of which were ended early) that seemed to indicate that being circumcised might decrease a guy's risk of getting HIV by 50-60% from woman-to-male transmission. It should be important to note that this is a relative risk. On an individual scale, the absolute risk is closer to a 2% decrease according to the studies. It's simple math and statistics. A risk reduction from 4% to 2% has a relative risk decrease of 50%, but the absolute risk reduction is 2%. It's critically important to use the words "risk reduction" as opposed to "prevention" because circumcision does NOT prevent HIV/AIDS. I had already discussed this briefly before in a previous post here.

There have been many criticisms of those studies. All sexual encounters were self-reported. Female partners were not tracked. It isn't known if any of the men engaged in homosexual sex (will be important later). Hygienic practices weren't assessed, as good and proper genital hygiene does help lower the risk of contracting STDs. There is no solid biological/physiological reason why male circumcision would confer this risk reduction.

But let's assume male circumcision is the wonder bullet that some health officials have made it out to be. In one recent model, increasing access to antiretroviral drugs and increasing condom use will have a much greater impact on HIV rates than circumcision. In fact according to their model, increasing both antiretroviral drugs and condom use could reduce new HIV infections by 64% to 90% by 2025 and could reduce mortality by 10% to 34%. In contrast, focusing on increasing male circumcision would only reduce new HIV infections by 3% to 13% and reduce mortality by 2% to 4%. Of course there are several assumptions that must be held in this model, as in all models. But the difference is still quite striking. The article could be found at aidsmap.

If you read the aidsmap article, you'll notice that their model does not increase access to antiretroviral drugs, condom use, and male circumcision. Why? It probably boils down to cost. Funds are a limited resource - the more you focus funding on one thing, it necessitates that you must reduce funding elsewhere. South Africa does not have the health care infrastructure nor enough health professionals trained to circumcisions safely and under sterile conditions. It costs a lot of money to update the health care infrastructure and to train more health professionals. Now think how many antiretroviral drugs, condoms, and safe sex pamphlets and ads will that same amount of money buy? Two words: A LOT.

Even if male circumcision continues to be promoted, there are several foreseeable problems. The first is that if you tell guys that getting circumcised will reduce their risk of getting HIV, it's only a matter of time until people misinterpret being circumcised as preventing HIV. While these men are still counseled to use condoms, if they think they're protected against HIV they will use condoms less. (Note: proper condom use reduces the risk reduction conferred by male circumcision to negligible or near-zer0.) Furthermore, they may use their circumcised status to "negotiate" unsafe sex with women, posing a greater of HIV infection to women. Circumcision Is a Red Herring, a must-read article.

In addition, because clinics and hospitals are becoming overwhelmed by men wanting to get circumcised, it's only a matter of time until they seek traditional healers or witch doctors with little/no medical training to perform unsafe circumcisions. Each year in South Africa, several hundred teens and men are maimed and disfigured due to seeking circumcisions outside the formal health care system, and many also die as a result. Read more about it in an article here, but be warned: it's not for the faint of heart.

Lastly, several studies have concluded that circumcision makes no difference in reducing HIV rates where homosexual sex is concerned (article here). Anyone who thinks circumcision offers a risk reduction against HIV in gay sex is simply wrong. With this in mind, the number of gay/bi men in Africa have long been underestimated and the role of gay sex in HIV transmission in Africa has been ignored. Because homosexuality is illegal and punishable by death in several African countries, gay sex is kept secret and underground. Little/no safe sex info is targeted towards homosexuals and gay/bi individual often face discrimination and lack access to care. To maintain the appearance of normality, many male-male sex networks often overlap with male-female sex networks. This is how homophobia fuels Africa's AIDS crisis.

In summary, male circumcision is not an effective means of reducing new HIV infections. It's entirely possible that it may actually do more harm than good. Money going towards male circumcision should be directed to strengthening proven methods (e.g. condom use and safe sex education/behavior) and increasing access to retroviral drugs and HIV testing. Pregnant mothers should be tested for HIV and have access to antiretroviral drugs to reduce/prevent mother-to-child transmission of HIV. There should also be campaigns to promote women's rights and LGBT rights. A lot of money, and a lot of people, hinge on a single decision. I only fear that Africa (and perhaps health advocates) might be making the wrong one. This will not end well.

Impossible Is Nothing

To all of us who're having tough times. To Landyn, and Mirrorboy, and James, and all the bloggers who need words of courage and motivation - these words are for you:
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IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING

1. It's not what you drive, it's what drives you.

2. It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

- a. I believe I can!!! They have doubted me . . .

- b. But I believed in myself!!!

- c. The conclusion . . . vindication!!! I knew I could do it!!!

3. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.

4. If I see it, then I can; if it changes, then I will adapt; if I make mistakes, then I will learn.

5. Life is digital, drive for excellence.

6. Dare to be different.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING
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These words were bestowed upon me by a friend I recently met online (not a blogger) whose full name I still don't know. He was kicked out of his house and fired from his job at 18. After blowing through his savings and his credit cards, he worked 2 jobs for a year in order to improve his credit and have enough saved for university.

He taped those words on his door and looked at them everyday to motivate himself. He did the impossible: he rose out of an incredibly difficult situation and has succeeded. We all have the capacity to do the same.

On Marriage and Wedding

Wow, I just realized it's been a week since I last blogged. There were some important things I've wanted to say (this post being one of them) but I've just been feeling unmotivated lately. This is unnerving. Anyway, the purpose of this post has nothing to do with gay marriage - I'll make that clear here and now.

Last Friday I attended AW-M's wedding. AW-M was my old roommate for the last 2 years of my undergrad (oh how I miss undergrad . . . already). He's a music major with a German minor and will be going to grad school in another state. He had been dating his fiancee since sophomore or junior year of high school, and they both went to undergrad together.

The wedding was at this nice little chapel. I realized very quickly that I've never been to a Catholic wedding. It was a bit too somber for my liking - it didn't "feel" festive to me. There was a lot of prayers that were chanted (that apparently everyone was supposed to say) and they did that cross thing too fast for me to follow. I feel like I should've been warned, or something. Regardless, AW-M and his bride (conveniently, now AW-F or AZW-F) were practically glowing, and the best man (NK-M, who's incidentally gay) was beaming. I could tell it was very meaningful to all of them.

The reception hall was under the chapel. It was actually really nice! The reception hall was this large atrium place with a glass ceiling, so it had the feel of an indoor courtyard. The food was good, the alcohol (what little I had, because I had to drive myself home) was good, and decor was beautiful. I believe the bride had a heavy hand in this, as she's a planner and intends on being a wedding planner.

There was only one stitch: I knew NO ONE other than the groom, the bride (who I don't actually know well), the best man, and the groom's parents. Fortunately I was seated next to a girl, a good friend of the bride, who also knew as few people as I did. (I take it back - I knew and talked to one other person there, we were "almost roommates" until he decided to drop out of university.) Anyway, the girl and I bonded a little over this fact. I'm generally really shy in situations where people know each other but I don't know anyone, but it was good getting to know the people at our table at least.

For their first dance, the groom and bride danced "Jai Ho" from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. This YouTube clip is pretty close to what they did, haha.


It's hard to put into words my emotions as I left the wedding early - it didn't end until 1am and I left around 11pm. Of course I was extremely happy for AW-M, I think he'll have a long and happy life with his new wife. But it left me a bit down for myself. Why?

First of all, it's possible that I may never marry (or be - legally - allowed to). Second of all, I know AW-M has found "the one" for him, it's obvious. Where's "the one" for me? While I know there are many "ones" for any given person, I still envy what they have together. Lastly, and perhaps most crushing to me, is that I don't have anyone in my life I could consider being my best man. Both AW-M and his bride knew the best man since 5th grade, and had been such close friends since. There are perhaps 2 guys in my life who I could possibly consider being my best man, but I don't talk to either of them that much these days due to distance.

So I left feeling alone and distant from people. Have I built so many walls inside that no one has yet to reach the core? Even though I've let some of my friends get close to me, it feels like there's still a handful of barriers left, as if there are things that still go veiled and unsaid. It unsettles me that I haven't fully let my guard down to anyone. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

I wish AW-M and AW-F a long and happy life. I hope one day I can taste that kind of loving commitment. Not looking so great at the moment, but I'll try to keep my head high. :)

Simply Orgasmic

To those who rose up to my challenge question, I thanks you so much!! ^_^ To those who intended on answering but haven't yet, just send me an email because I'm going to turn off comment moderation now. I'll add any late responses to my challenge question as an edit to this post. So without further adieu, here's how orgasm feels to responders (the following responses may have been edited by me slightly for grammar and/or paragraph structure):
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Guy 1 - Uncut

When I'm close it feels like all the blood and energy is rushing towards my midsection. I can feel my body tightening inwards from my limbs and suddenly everything around me starts becoming a blur. I keep going after that for a few seconds until I feel the energy and rush build up at the end base of my penis which is when I know I'm at the point of no return. For me, it's similar to the sensation of having to use the bathroom at that very moment but instead of feeling like you must release it, I feel like I want to, like my body is begging me to.

When I go I don't move for the few seconds it takes to cum. I can feel the tip swell and my foreskin restricting it, if I haven't pulled it back, and between every shot my head calms for a bit then swells back up hitting the skin with every shot. If I do pull it back, I feel my head grow when I'm about to shoot but instead of feeling around the entire head, I feel it more at the tip. I can feel the cum more.

After I'm done, every muscle in my body is completely relaxed and slightly tingly. It seems to start from my shoulders and go down until I can't move and exhausted. I'm in a high at that point, I just want to sleep. I'm really sensitive at the point and if I start again I want to moan and scream right away, but only if I play with the bottom edge of the head or start jacking really really fast. Oh and after I'm done I'm usually starving.

That was hard to write . . . it sounds like soft-core porn, lol.
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Guy 2 - Cut

I start to tense up in my legs and my groin area gets very tingly, especially my penis. If it is a good orgasm then I can get the tingling to go through my body.

If I'm really focused on orgasming and the feeling, I can usually feel the cum welling up in the head of my penis.
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Guy 3 - Uncut

It's a subtle feeling leading up to orgasm, like my foreskin, frenulum, and head are gradually getting more sensitive. I know an orgasm is coming when the sensitivity in my foreskin and head suddenly seem to spike. If it's a really good orgasm on the way, waves of chills radiate out from my penis across my body - giving me goosebumps. It's kind of like the feeling you get after listening to a really good song or seeing a really good movie scene. This happens several seconds before I cum; if I were to stop stroking at this point, orgasm usually doesn't happen to completion and I don't cum (though sometimes cum will dribble out).

Past this point is the "point of no return." My head usually swells up and feels even more sensitive at this point. I can usually feel my cum well up at the base of my penis, prepping for release. I can also usually feel the cum move up and out of my penis as it pulses and throbs.

During orgasm it feels like pleasant pulsing contractions in my groin and penis. I can feel my penis get a bit harder with each spurt. Sometimes it feels like more waves of chills when my foreskin hits the rim of the head while I'm cumming. The pulsing and throbbing continue for a minute or so after I'm done cumming, and I tend to get kind of warm in the post-orgasm afterglow.

My head often gets pretty sensitive post-orgasm though not always. If it's uncomfortable I just roll the foreskin over to protect it and I'm on my way. I also feel really relaxed afterwards and it helps me sleep. :)
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Guy 4 - Cut

The shaft and head and pretty sensitive leading up to orgasm. There isn't much sensation in my balls, but there is a general tightening in my groin muscles and I think in my abs, too, as if I edge too long I tend to get nauseous. I know I'm getting near orgasm when my balls tighten some and the head becomes much more sensitive. It's like there's a priming in my balls; like at any second I might cum. I think at this stage the sensations are mostly psychological, however, so it's difficult to describe in full what's happening.

There is a distinct welling up in my balls as the cum gets ready to come out. At this point I can't turn back. The entire penis is sensitive to touch, probably rubbing it anywhere would trigger orgasm. Sometimes the head is too sensitive to rub at this point, so I will rub underneath the head and around the rim to cum. If I've edged too long sometimes it feels like I have to barf, lol. Normally though there is just a general tightening of muscles all over the body. My penis will expand and become really hard. I can almost always feel my um welling up, prepping to shoot, and moving out of me. The contractions are quite distinct.

During orgasm there is a general contraction of muscles all over my body, but esp in the groin area, of course. My penis remains fairly rigid as I cum, and at this point the head is pretty sensitive. If I rub the head a lot at this point I'll usually shoot pretty far. There's a rhythmic tightening and loosening in the balls, and these sensations get translated to the penis as a "throbbing." My skin becomes very sensitive to touch both during orgasm and afterwards.

Post-orgasm, the head isn't so sensitive as is the underside/frenulum of the head. That becomes too sensitive to touch. If it is touched, it causes discomfort and squirming.
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Guy 5 - Not stated

Leading up to orgasm, tingle sensation spreads from the head of my penis down and in anticipation can feel it radiate from my balls up my spine

The "point of no return" is sort of like riding a wave. Ever been at the beach and see a wave coming? Sometimes you hit it just right and you can go with the wave and get carried away and other times you don't hit it right - right before the point of no return is this great feeling that you want to prolong but know you can't and just explode.

For the rest of this I will have to jack-off and think about it carefully.
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Guy 6 - Uncut

First off the build up to orgasm is the most intense. It's a focus thing, once I'm dead set on cumming I get tunnel vision, my only goal is climax. I can feel it in the head the most, the sensitivity almost gets overwhelming just before cumming. I can honestly feel the semen collecting and moving. Once orgasm hits, I can feel my prostate flexing.

Just before climax my skin gets the chills, my mouth gets cold, and I get goosebumps. During climax I can't control some of my muscles, for instance my back tends to arch, and my feet dance and clench. After orgasm, the sensitivity in my bell-end is out of control, touching it will make me yelp in terrifying ecstasy.
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Unfortunately no women responded. That's a shame. :-/

Again, if anyone wants to send me his/her orgasm experience, do so in an email now and I'll add it to this post! I hope you've all enjoyed reading the above. :P

Rebound Chat

This morning when I signed on AIM, my friend RZ-F messaged me after downing 8 shots of 42% vodka all the way from China. I don't care what she says - she's an Asian woman, there's no way she could down that much alcohol and not feel it even if she has fully functional alcohol dehydrogenase in her liver.

Anyway, when she drinks she has this tendency to call/IM me for what I now like to call "rebound chat." For the past year or so she's been "involved" with this guy in China. She's constantly calling and IMing him. While he likes her, he doesn't feel the same about her as she does about him. And she's frustrated that their relationship won't progress, or that she can't get him to say anything about it. So, when she gets inebriated (even though she adamantly claims she can't get drunk), she calls/IMs me to complain.

She usually tells me how she hates guys, how guys suck, how she should be single, how she wishes guys were more like me (though I claim being me hasn't helped me at all in this respect), how I'm lucky to not be in a relationship, blah blah blah. Really there's not much I can do but smile and nod, metaphorically speaking. I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Today was a little different. She asked me why we didn't date way back in junior year of undergrad when we had the chance. Fuck. I hate that question, it always unsettles me emotionally. At that time I was seriously confronted myself on my sexuality and it scared me, and it still scares me. I was scared so I ran away from a potential relationship, and I'm constantly reminded of it when she speaks to me about this guy who she's not even really in a relationship with.

She asked me if I liked her. I said yes. She asked me if I still liked her. I got a little teary (which I did not communicate to her). What am I supposed to say? If I say yes there's nothing that can be done because we will soon live 3 states away from each other, and neither of us have any desire to pursue a long-distance relationship. And if I say no she'll be disappointed and I'm not sure that's entirely true. So she left me in somewhat of a mess that she'll never see. It doesn't help that my mom keeps asking me if RZ-F is my girlfriend and when I say no, she then asks if she has a boyfriend (to which I answer "I don't know").

Well, we did make that one pact: if we're both single when we hit 30 we'll marry each other.

---TANGENT---
Alright everyone, it's down to the last day. If you're going to answer (or modify your answer to) my challenge question, today (Wednesday) is the last day. Though, depending on where you live in the world, if you were to answer the question early enough on Thursday before I create the post, your response would still be valid.

So readers, if you'll be so bold as to answer my challenge question, please please please do so in a comment or email ASAP! Thanks!!
---END TANGENT---