Wednesday, July 22, 2009

On Marriage and Wedding

Wow, I just realized it's been a week since I last blogged. There were some important things I've wanted to say (this post being one of them) but I've just been feeling unmotivated lately. This is unnerving. Anyway, the purpose of this post has nothing to do with gay marriage - I'll make that clear here and now.

Last Friday I attended AW-M's wedding. AW-M was my old roommate for the last 2 years of my undergrad (oh how I miss undergrad . . . already). He's a music major with a German minor and will be going to grad school in another state. He had been dating his fiancee since sophomore or junior year of high school, and they both went to undergrad together.

The wedding was at this nice little chapel. I realized very quickly that I've never been to a Catholic wedding. It was a bit too somber for my liking - it didn't "feel" festive to me. There was a lot of prayers that were chanted (that apparently everyone was supposed to say) and they did that cross thing too fast for me to follow. I feel like I should've been warned, or something. Regardless, AW-M and his bride (conveniently, now AW-F or AZW-F) were practically glowing, and the best man (NK-M, who's incidentally gay) was beaming. I could tell it was very meaningful to all of them.

The reception hall was under the chapel. It was actually really nice! The reception hall was this large atrium place with a glass ceiling, so it had the feel of an indoor courtyard. The food was good, the alcohol (what little I had, because I had to drive myself home) was good, and decor was beautiful. I believe the bride had a heavy hand in this, as she's a planner and intends on being a wedding planner.

There was only one stitch: I knew NO ONE other than the groom, the bride (who I don't actually know well), the best man, and the groom's parents. Fortunately I was seated next to a girl, a good friend of the bride, who also knew as few people as I did. (I take it back - I knew and talked to one other person there, we were "almost roommates" until he decided to drop out of university.) Anyway, the girl and I bonded a little over this fact. I'm generally really shy in situations where people know each other but I don't know anyone, but it was good getting to know the people at our table at least.

For their first dance, the groom and bride danced "Jai Ho" from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. This YouTube clip is pretty close to what they did, haha.

It's hard to put into words my emotions as I left the wedding early - it didn't end until 1am and I left around 11pm. Of course I was extremely happy for AW-M, I think he'll have a long and happy life with his new wife. But it left me a bit down for myself. Why?

First of all, it's possible that I may never marry (or be - legally - allowed to). Second of all, I know AW-M has found "the one" for him, it's obvious. Where's "the one" for me? While I know there are many "ones" for any given person, I still envy what they have together. Lastly, and perhaps most crushing to me, is that I don't have anyone in my life I could consider being my best man. Both AW-M and his bride knew the best man since 5th grade, and had been such close friends since. There are perhaps 2 guys in my life who I could possibly consider being my best man, but I don't talk to either of them that much these days due to distance.

So I left feeling alone and distant from people. Have I built so many walls inside that no one has yet to reach the core? Even though I've let some of my friends get close to me, it feels like there's still a handful of barriers left, as if there are things that still go veiled and unsaid. It unsettles me that I haven't fully let my guard down to anyone. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

I wish AW-M and AW-F a long and happy life. I hope one day I can taste that kind of loving commitment. Not looking so great at the moment, but I'll try to keep my head high. :)


Anonymous said...

Keep that chin up Aek, please do. I have full confidence you can find someone like that if you want to. I'll keep my fingers crossed for eternity if that's what it takes.

Mike said...

That was their first dance? At a wedding? I haven't seen the movie, but wow.

naturgesetz said...

I think it's not very common for couples to have known each other that long,and even less common for the best man to go that far back in the groom's life.
so I wouldn't worry about not having that sort of history of friendships..

Seth said...

I know how you feel - but you're still in a good spot to keep pushing to find the right one, don't give up hope.