Monday, June 16, 2008

Dear Blog

I'd like to say two things.

First, in case you haven't noticed, my last several posts have tended to be somewhat depressing. For that I apologize. No one really cares to read "woe is me" material, least of all me. I have, in a sense, violated my original intent for the blog - which is to chronicle my thoughts about personal identity and the world at large. In the process I've found aspects of the personal to express themselves in rant-form, which is far from what I had intended. As such it is not a clear representation of my identity - I am not as emo as some of my posts may make me seem. Far from it in reality, though I do easily make the distinction between how I behave externally and what I think and feel internally. To those who've been reading, I apologize for the tone of my blog as of late.

Second, I would like to address the "state of things" if for no other purpose than to help me see where I currently stand. And where I currently stand is at ground zero. Not even square one. You see, although I feel "back to normal" today and reminiscent of my "normal" self, none of the issues that have made me unhappy for many weeks prior have disappeared or resolved themselves. I shall elucidate why I feel I am still at ground zero.

My research is currently going nowhere. It has stalled yet again. I've only agreed to work another 2-3 more weeks in the lab, which is not enough time (even if I give it 200%) to complete my project. Which is sad, because I've been working on it - and failing - for the last two-and-a-half years. I can only hope I can still do enough work on it so my successor can complete it with ease . . . and so I don't feel like a lab bum.

My future is still uncertain. One path leads down a roundabout way to the other taking 2 extra years. It is a path I'd rather not take if at all possible because 2 years is 2 years. The other path is currently in limbo. As RZ-F said to me, "You're basically in med school hell right now" as I'm just wait-listed, and waiting . . . And no matter how many times people say how great it is that I got into public health, it is NOT what I want to ultimately pursue. Lately, the more it's said, the more I say it, the more I feel the vague aftertaste of failure. But in all honesty, a part of me would welcome public health as it would give me 2 years to do something different. In this respect, I am in internal conflict. I am not looking forward to apartment-hunting here, just in case I don't get into med school somewhere.

Physically I feel like I haven't improved in a long time. Of late I haven't been going to the gym nearly as much. I've probably only went 2-3 times in the last week. I need to get back on it. I need to not only restart my routine, but improve it even more as well. I also need to keep better track of my diet (and actually start eating breakfast again). I want noticeable results before the end of summer, but even at my most hardcore rate it seems unlikely. But, I shan't give up.

Perhaps most important of all, I've had absolutely zero progress relationship-wise. Part of it is the time of year. There aren't many chances to meet new people, let alone start and develop a relationship, over the summer months. There are just too few people around and I don't have quite enough time. This nevertheless upsets me. I've been feeling rather lonesome and at times, I wonder if I'll be alone forever. It's not a comforting thought. It's rather chilling, really. In a way, I hunger for what a relationship has to offer, I hunger for what sex has to offer. I want it, and I want meaning in it. Perhaps I'm asking too much. Oh yeah, I must say how I don't even know how to start a relationship! I'm woefully virginal to even this.

Yet a part of me is scared to pursue a relationship. As I currently stand, being bi, I don't know where to start. What if I date a girl and never get a chance with a guy? What if I date a girl, hate it, and find myself more gay than I realize? What if I date a guy and find it meaningless (or something)? I don't much like "what if" questions, but they fill my head these days. In a way, I find being bi more lonesome and rarer than being gay (and certainly far rarer than being straight). I don't have anyone to talk to about this at length - all my friends who I regularly talk to are straight, all the bloggers I talk to online are gay. I feel like I've "wasted" my undergrad years studying, working towards a future that I couldn't guarantee, and in the process was almost unable to come to terms with myself - unable to experiment and find myself. As the clock ticks I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to "too late."

In summary, progress has been almost non-existent. I want to move forward with everything but I don't know how. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen, I'm tired of trying to make some things happen, why don't they just happen already? I think I need help . . . So, dear blog, give me some advice, some illumination.

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