Thursday, June 12, 2008

Why Am I So Bad at This?

It's been a little while since I last blogged. I'm still feeling a bit crappy, emotionally. But I'm a little better. I went home over the weekend. My grandparents were visiting for a few weeks and staying over, so I saw them and that was very good for me. Seeing them reminded me of what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of mental state I want to attain. I know they've been through a lot in their lives, but they refuse to show it. All one sees is their sunny disposition, even when they're at their "meanest" or "strictest." There's a warmth to their smiles, to their small laughs, to their voices. It's good to be reminded of how happiness can be embodied.

Yet, I'm still feeling a bit down. Again, better compared to last week. I want/need to get over this. Today I talked to JW-M for a while as we walked around campus. We talked about all sorts of things (except the things that were bugging me the most) and it was great. We hadn't really talked liked that in quite some time and I really needed it. I don't know if he knew how much I just needed to talk to someone for an extended period of time, not necessarily about anything, maybe just to know someone is listening to me and giving me feedback.

I wanted to ask him the whole time whether or not he had ever "suspected" me of being anything but straight before I told him I was (am) bi. And maybe use that as a segue my "bi issues" as it were. But I never did. The words sat there at the back of my mouth, at the tip of my mind. I wanted to say them but couldn't form the sounds in my mouth.

Why am I so bad at this? It's not like I'm coming out to him again. He already knows and is already okay with it. Might this mean I'm still, even after all this time, not fully comfortable talking about it? Or with myself? What kind of strange weakness is this, that I can't even express that which I most desire to know or express that which most bothers me? And I do, on top of that, have this almost irrational fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew. I wish I had some semblance of confidence in myself. I wish I had some self-image/self-esteem. Perhaps I'm not giving myself enough credit; I never do. Ordinarily I throw myself into whatever it is I'm working on at the moment - whether it's homework, a project, studying for an exam, etc. But now that I've graduated, I've nothing to immediately work towards. I have no goal at the end of some road that blots out all other thoughts from my mind as I focus on it. I have too much time for reflection, for thought, for many things . . .

Maybe, although I know it's almost a cop out and somewhat lame, I'll email JW-M my question(s) and issues - just lay it all out. At least once it's sent, I can't take back my word. And at least then it's already out.

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