Friday, June 6, 2008

I Don't Know

But this much I do know . . .

My efforts in volunteering at the hospital by playing trio music in their lobby is starting to pay off. It sure took me a long time to set up and get going, and I (we) had wanted to give up more than once before it even started. But we're all glad we're doing it now. Last week and this week, for just a few minutes during the hour we play, a few people - patients and/or their families - actually sit down and listen to us. One of the people who work there is even telling her friends that "there's this trio that plays in the lobby." I'm so glad when someone says something like that, as it means what we're doing is having a positive impact and people appreciate that. However, I do feel self-conscious and a little embarrassed that we're only amateur musicians - we make several random mistakes each week. Even if no one else but us hears the mistakes, the fact that we can makes me a little embarrassed. I want nothing less of our best each time, but stage-fright sets in whenever people actually pay attention.

I also know that I'm quite annoyed and even a little pissed at a few of my friends. They spent a week convincing me to get back into WoW. By the time I started up again, they were over 20 levels higher than me. By the time I catch up to the point where I could actually maybe do something with them, they're no longer interested in playing anymore. Then why did I even bother! The whole point was so I could play with them, together. Not with strangers (though there are many nice and competent players) and not by myself soloing things. Done that, been there. No, I wanted to specifically play with them as I've always wanted to, but last time they quit before I even really got WoW, and now they're doing it all over again. I should just delete WoW from my computer, as I'm clearly not having as much fun as I should. But I did pay for a 1-month subscription, $15, and that expires 6-27-08. So I now feel almost obligated to play till then. Sigh.
What I don't know . . .

Is why I've been feeling so crappy lately. And by lately I mean the last several weeks, and prior to that the last few months. I'm beginning to think that 2-3 weeks of not feeling crappy was just an illusion, a fluke. I can't even pin an emotion on this - loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, exhaustion? How about all the above. Let's see if I can think this through.

A few times a week I wake up wanting to cry but being unable to, as if I forgot how. There doesn't seem to be a reason behind this. I just wake up and feel like the day's going to suck. A week or two back, the "death" thoughts came back. Thankfully they came and went quickly this time. I must make a clear distinction that I only think about what it's like to be dead, not what it's like to die or how to kill myself. But still, they're by no means comfortable thoughts.

I know I'm sexually frustrated and lonely. Here I am, 22, and have never fallen in love, never kissed, a virgin in practically every sense. I sometimes wonder what it's like to even just touch someone without feeling embarrassed, without feeling like I've invaded their personal space or violated some unwritten rule. Even hugs feel awkward for me. The fact that I don't seem to be losing weight (or gaining for that matter, thankfully) doesn't help. It seems no matter what I eat, no matter how much I exercise, I can't seem to lose any more weight than what I'm currently at. Generally, I run a mile on the track, lift some weights, then run 2.5-3 miles on the Elliptical machine. And I do this at least every other day. I know I have a rather low self-image, and it's almost always been like that. And I hate that feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin, as if my body's just some awkward clumsy thing I just happen to be stuck in.

Although I have friends who know I'm bi, I've never since talked to them about it. What do they know? What do I know for that matter? What can we talk about? What can we discuss? Such matters fall so far outside the normal realm of stuff we talk about that this invites nothing but awkward silences. And I want someone to talk to, someone to relate to, someone to help me sort out this confusion. All this leads me to feel dissociated and even disconnected from my friends. I used to love my privacy and solitude, but these days I almost can't stand to be alone. But when I'm with friends, I feel silent as if I've nothing to contribute, as if I'm just a body sucking up oxygen in the room. I feel like I have nothing to say, though there's lots I want to say but I don't know or think I can. I feel distant and I hate it.

I know I'm exhausted as I don't get much sleep. They're doing construction on the dorm across the street from me, and they start early in the morning with plenty of loud noises. As I tend to go to sleep way too late, they wake me up relatively way too early. I've been feeling myself falling asleep at random throughout the day. Not good. This in itself almost makes me want to cry.

And of course there's the waiting, the everlasting waiting to hear back from med schools. I try not to think about it, but it's ever gnawing at me in the back of my brain. There's nothing I can do, I'm at the complete mercy of "the system" and I hate it. I feel like maybe I didn't give it my all, or maybe I'm not good enough, not worthy, what-have-you.

All of this, all of it, is affecting me at my jobs and I can feel it. I feel tired and unmotivated at research. Some days I'm really productive, others (like today) I literally got nothing done despite being there for 3 hours. At my group tutoring thing, I feel disorganized, unfocused, and unable to direct or answer questions. And if they start to feel it, they'll stop coming, which makes it harder for me and those who do stay. I don't even really try to hide these problems but no one's mentioned anything. No one - not one of my friend's - has asked me if I was okay, or if anything's wrong, or pried into it. Am I that good at instinctively hiding this? Is the Mask of Stoicism that foolproof?

I sit here every day and night trying to make the next day better, but it never seems to be. I seem to be waiting for something, but since I graduated, I feel like what I'm waiting for is a future that's foggy at best. Sometimes it's almost graspable, other times it's like a mirage and seems to fade when I get closer. I don't expect anyone to read this, especially this far. This is more for me to have it out, to have it confessed, so it doesn't fester inside me. Hopefully, this has helped me. I'll find out when I wake up in the morning.

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