Getting Better

I think I'm over my depression-like state. It usually only takes me a day or two to "get over it," but lately that's been more and more difficult to do.

I spent about 5 days in near self-exile from everyone I knew. I tried to maintain minimum contact with all my friends - not calling them, not stopping by their apartment, avoiding them if I were across the street or something, etc. The only time I really interacted with my friends was when I had daily trio rehearsals with SR-F, EA-F, and AW-M. I just needed to be alone, and where better than the library? Sad, I know, considering that I've graduated and all. But I must say, the library has fast wireless internet that I've sworn to leech off of as much as possible before I'm cut off from it.

Being alone, while doing nothing but read news and blogs on the internet and a degree of WoW playing almost comparable (almost) to when I used to actually play regularly over 2 years ago, helped. I'm not sure how it helped. I guess it desensitizes you, numbs your mind and lets everything just wash over you, through you, and drain out of you. It's probably not the best nor healthiest way to rid oneself of depression, but it works in the short run. At least long enough to find a better solution.

Anyway, I guess JW-M missed me. He called me while I was out for a run (which after what I ate for dinner tonight, completely negated that and then some) and left a voicemail. It basically said how he wants to work out or hang out or something before I leave, that he hasn't seen or heard from me in the last several days, and that he missed me. He actually said he missed me! Sometimes I wonder if people would, so it was nice to know he does.

I hung out with him a bit tonight. It was fun. There was so much I wanted to tell him and just get all out in the open, but I was among several other friends the whole night, two of which I'm a little uncomfortable being totally honest around. Tomorrow I hope. Oh, my dad called me like 7 times. I returned his call after ignoring it for a while. He was upset, and then I got upset, and it was quite awkward being upset like that in a car with 4 other people. That phone call almost undid everything and made me depressed again. I retired to my apartment instead of going back to JW-M's apartment to hang out. Being alone, for some reason, helps me. That's not a particularly comforting thought . . .

Okay there are so many things (all of them either positive or dorky, lol) I had wanted to blog about in the last 2 days or so. But I'm pretty tired right now so I'll do that later.

---TANGENT---
But! Before I go to sleep, I managed to read through the following 3 blogs and have added them to my blog roll.

queer asian
Some things about me
Where I Stand

They're all pretty new but good! So go on over and say "Hi!" By the way, I love it when people leave comments but I usually feel too awkward leaving them on others' blogs. I always feel like I should more but for some reason I get a little self-conscious? What's up with that?
---END TANGENT---

Assorted Thoughts

Some of which I've said aloud, others just chuckles in my own head. Just the random-ness that is my mind on a typical day.

1. While watching a fat squirrel (all squirrels are fat on campus as a direct result of students feeding them) run across the street, I exclaimed, "Look! It's an undulating squirrel!" The squirrel's body was bobbing up and down in a wave-like motion. You'll never think of squirrels the same again.

2. A thought to myself as I crossed the street with my cello on my back and an approaching car, "What did the cellist say to himself as he crossed the road? 'Please don't hit me, I'm as slow as a turtle right now.' "

3. While trying to get trio members to take the path with fewest stairs, "Can we take those stairs? They're cello accessible and friendly."

4. Nutella is amazing. Simply amazing. I should get some more . . .

5. I didn't like the bottle of beer I took from the Human Genetics picnic. So I used it to cook some pork chops. In that, it was a success. It gave the meat a slight bite, almost spicy flavor.

6. I always make too much dessert for myself. I tend to recruit others to help me eat it so I don't get fat off it. Also why I seldom make dessert.

7. I cleaned the apartment while all my roommates were gone for the weekend. It felt SO good to walk into an apartment I knew was clean.

8. This one's a bit long. I privately gave a girl in one of the genetics study groups I lead some personal one-on-one help. I hope she did well on her exam today. I saw scars on her left hand. They were too straight to be a scrap or something, so it was pretty clear she was (hopefully not still is) a cutter. Anyway, she had offered to pay me for my time helping her. I refused, but said I'd accept lunch or dinner. We settled for coffee. The coffee wasn't very good, so when I got back to my apartment I added cinnamon, vanilla extract, and nutella to it. That didn't work so well. Now I know.

9. It's not very fun measuring the thickness of the stria vascularis. Especially on a TEM (transmission electron microscope) image that's all in black and white. And I still don't know why my PCRs aren't working . . . I also came to the sudden realization today that there's no way I can finish my research project before I leave in 2-3 weeks. Sigh.

10. I finished my arrangement of Tetris for violin, viola, cello, and piano! It has Themes A, B, C, and the Game Over Theme. It sounds great, but it's a pain in the ass to separate the parts from the score. But anyway, such happy music (although I think it's in a minor key).

11. It's amazing how much Chinese I've forgotten so quickly. I need to go back to my old textbooks and refresh myself on those characters. And I had been making good progress during the academic year . . .

12. I've made peace with my solitude and loneliness. For now. Come August/September, new school year, potentially new place, and certainly new people. Let a new beginning come.

13. Since I brought Xenocide to work I keep forgetting to take it home with me. Whenever I want to read it I suddenly remember I left it in lab. Grrr.

14. Everyone falls. The important thing is getting back up.

---TANGENT---
There've been a lot of new blogs lately (and some older ones I've come across). I've only skimmed and browsed a few, and there are certain several that I want to read fully. So I have my work cut out for me as I read these blogs from beginning to their most recent post before I add them to my blog roll. That said, I also have to reorganize my blog roll as many of the blogs haven't been active in quite some time (blog more bloggers!!). I may need to create a new category or something.
---END TANGENT---

Okay, enough random-ness for tonight. This post served utterly no purpose other than to provide nominal amusement (maybe, hopefully).

Dear Blog

I'd like to say two things.

First, in case you haven't noticed, my last several posts have tended to be somewhat depressing. For that I apologize. No one really cares to read "woe is me" material, least of all me. I have, in a sense, violated my original intent for the blog - which is to chronicle my thoughts about personal identity and the world at large. In the process I've found aspects of the personal to express themselves in rant-form, which is far from what I had intended. As such it is not a clear representation of my identity - I am not as emo as some of my posts may make me seem. Far from it in reality, though I do easily make the distinction between how I behave externally and what I think and feel internally. To those who've been reading, I apologize for the tone of my blog as of late.

Second, I would like to address the "state of things" if for no other purpose than to help me see where I currently stand. And where I currently stand is at ground zero. Not even square one. You see, although I feel "back to normal" today and reminiscent of my "normal" self, none of the issues that have made me unhappy for many weeks prior have disappeared or resolved themselves. I shall elucidate why I feel I am still at ground zero.

My research is currently going nowhere. It has stalled yet again. I've only agreed to work another 2-3 more weeks in the lab, which is not enough time (even if I give it 200%) to complete my project. Which is sad, because I've been working on it - and failing - for the last two-and-a-half years. I can only hope I can still do enough work on it so my successor can complete it with ease . . . and so I don't feel like a lab bum.

My future is still uncertain. One path leads down a roundabout way to the other taking 2 extra years. It is a path I'd rather not take if at all possible because 2 years is 2 years. The other path is currently in limbo. As RZ-F said to me, "You're basically in med school hell right now" as I'm just wait-listed, and waiting . . . And no matter how many times people say how great it is that I got into public health, it is NOT what I want to ultimately pursue. Lately, the more it's said, the more I say it, the more I feel the vague aftertaste of failure. But in all honesty, a part of me would welcome public health as it would give me 2 years to do something different. In this respect, I am in internal conflict. I am not looking forward to apartment-hunting here, just in case I don't get into med school somewhere.

Physically I feel like I haven't improved in a long time. Of late I haven't been going to the gym nearly as much. I've probably only went 2-3 times in the last week. I need to get back on it. I need to not only restart my routine, but improve it even more as well. I also need to keep better track of my diet (and actually start eating breakfast again). I want noticeable results before the end of summer, but even at my most hardcore rate it seems unlikely. But, I shan't give up.

Perhaps most important of all, I've had absolutely zero progress relationship-wise. Part of it is the time of year. There aren't many chances to meet new people, let alone start and develop a relationship, over the summer months. There are just too few people around and I don't have quite enough time. This nevertheless upsets me. I've been feeling rather lonesome and at times, I wonder if I'll be alone forever. It's not a comforting thought. It's rather chilling, really. In a way, I hunger for what a relationship has to offer, I hunger for what sex has to offer. I want it, and I want meaning in it. Perhaps I'm asking too much. Oh yeah, I must say how I don't even know how to start a relationship! I'm woefully virginal to even this.

Yet a part of me is scared to pursue a relationship. As I currently stand, being bi, I don't know where to start. What if I date a girl and never get a chance with a guy? What if I date a girl, hate it, and find myself more gay than I realize? What if I date a guy and find it meaningless (or something)? I don't much like "what if" questions, but they fill my head these days. In a way, I find being bi more lonesome and rarer than being gay (and certainly far rarer than being straight). I don't have anyone to talk to about this at length - all my friends who I regularly talk to are straight, all the bloggers I talk to online are gay. I feel like I've "wasted" my undergrad years studying, working towards a future that I couldn't guarantee, and in the process was almost unable to come to terms with myself - unable to experiment and find myself. As the clock ticks I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to "too late."

In summary, progress has been almost non-existent. I want to move forward with everything but I don't know how. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen, I'm tired of trying to make some things happen, why don't they just happen already? I think I need help . . . So, dear blog, give me some advice, some illumination.

Why Am I So Bad at This?

It's been a little while since I last blogged. I'm still feeling a bit crappy, emotionally. But I'm a little better. I went home over the weekend. My grandparents were visiting for a few weeks and staying over, so I saw them and that was very good for me. Seeing them reminded me of what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of mental state I want to attain. I know they've been through a lot in their lives, but they refuse to show it. All one sees is their sunny disposition, even when they're at their "meanest" or "strictest." There's a warmth to their smiles, to their small laughs, to their voices. It's good to be reminded of how happiness can be embodied.

Yet, I'm still feeling a bit down. Again, better compared to last week. I want/need to get over this. Today I talked to JW-M for a while as we walked around campus. We talked about all sorts of things (except the things that were bugging me the most) and it was great. We hadn't really talked liked that in quite some time and I really needed it. I don't know if he knew how much I just needed to talk to someone for an extended period of time, not necessarily about anything, maybe just to know someone is listening to me and giving me feedback.

I wanted to ask him the whole time whether or not he had ever "suspected" me of being anything but straight before I told him I was (am) bi. And maybe use that as a segue my "bi issues" as it were. But I never did. The words sat there at the back of my mouth, at the tip of my mind. I wanted to say them but couldn't form the sounds in my mouth.

Why am I so bad at this? It's not like I'm coming out to him again. He already knows and is already okay with it. Might this mean I'm still, even after all this time, not fully comfortable talking about it? Or with myself? What kind of strange weakness is this, that I can't even express that which I most desire to know or express that which most bothers me? And I do, on top of that, have this almost irrational fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew. I wish I had some semblance of confidence in myself. I wish I had some self-image/self-esteem. Perhaps I'm not giving myself enough credit; I never do. Ordinarily I throw myself into whatever it is I'm working on at the moment - whether it's homework, a project, studying for an exam, etc. But now that I've graduated, I've nothing to immediately work towards. I have no goal at the end of some road that blots out all other thoughts from my mind as I focus on it. I have too much time for reflection, for thought, for many things . . .

Maybe, although I know it's almost a cop out and somewhat lame, I'll email JW-M my question(s) and issues - just lay it all out. At least once it's sent, I can't take back my word. And at least then it's already out.

I Don't Know

But this much I do know . . .

My efforts in volunteering at the hospital by playing trio music in their lobby is starting to pay off. It sure took me a long time to set up and get going, and I (we) had wanted to give up more than once before it even started. But we're all glad we're doing it now. Last week and this week, for just a few minutes during the hour we play, a few people - patients and/or their families - actually sit down and listen to us. One of the people who work there is even telling her friends that "there's this trio that plays in the lobby." I'm so glad when someone says something like that, as it means what we're doing is having a positive impact and people appreciate that. However, I do feel self-conscious and a little embarrassed that we're only amateur musicians - we make several random mistakes each week. Even if no one else but us hears the mistakes, the fact that we can makes me a little embarrassed. I want nothing less of our best each time, but stage-fright sets in whenever people actually pay attention.

I also know that I'm quite annoyed and even a little pissed at a few of my friends. They spent a week convincing me to get back into WoW. By the time I started up again, they were over 20 levels higher than me. By the time I catch up to the point where I could actually maybe do something with them, they're no longer interested in playing anymore. Then why did I even bother! The whole point was so I could play with them, together. Not with strangers (though there are many nice and competent players) and not by myself soloing things. Done that, been there. No, I wanted to specifically play with them as I've always wanted to, but last time they quit before I even really got WoW, and now they're doing it all over again. I should just delete WoW from my computer, as I'm clearly not having as much fun as I should. But I did pay for a 1-month subscription, $15, and that expires 6-27-08. So I now feel almost obligated to play till then. Sigh.
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What I don't know . . .

Is why I've been feeling so crappy lately. And by lately I mean the last several weeks, and prior to that the last few months. I'm beginning to think that 2-3 weeks of not feeling crappy was just an illusion, a fluke. I can't even pin an emotion on this - loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, exhaustion? How about all the above. Let's see if I can think this through.

A few times a week I wake up wanting to cry but being unable to, as if I forgot how. There doesn't seem to be a reason behind this. I just wake up and feel like the day's going to suck. A week or two back, the "death" thoughts came back. Thankfully they came and went quickly this time. I must make a clear distinction that I only think about what it's like to be dead, not what it's like to die or how to kill myself. But still, they're by no means comfortable thoughts.

I know I'm sexually frustrated and lonely. Here I am, 22, and have never fallen in love, never kissed, a virgin in practically every sense. I sometimes wonder what it's like to even just touch someone without feeling embarrassed, without feeling like I've invaded their personal space or violated some unwritten rule. Even hugs feel awkward for me. The fact that I don't seem to be losing weight (or gaining for that matter, thankfully) doesn't help. It seems no matter what I eat, no matter how much I exercise, I can't seem to lose any more weight than what I'm currently at. Generally, I run a mile on the track, lift some weights, then run 2.5-3 miles on the Elliptical machine. And I do this at least every other day. I know I have a rather low self-image, and it's almost always been like that. And I hate that feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin, as if my body's just some awkward clumsy thing I just happen to be stuck in.

Although I have friends who know I'm bi, I've never since talked to them about it. What do they know? What do I know for that matter? What can we talk about? What can we discuss? Such matters fall so far outside the normal realm of stuff we talk about that this invites nothing but awkward silences. And I want someone to talk to, someone to relate to, someone to help me sort out this confusion. All this leads me to feel dissociated and even disconnected from my friends. I used to love my privacy and solitude, but these days I almost can't stand to be alone. But when I'm with friends, I feel silent as if I've nothing to contribute, as if I'm just a body sucking up oxygen in the room. I feel like I have nothing to say, though there's lots I want to say but I don't know or think I can. I feel distant and I hate it.

I know I'm exhausted as I don't get much sleep. They're doing construction on the dorm across the street from me, and they start early in the morning with plenty of loud noises. As I tend to go to sleep way too late, they wake me up relatively way too early. I've been feeling myself falling asleep at random throughout the day. Not good. This in itself almost makes me want to cry.

And of course there's the waiting, the everlasting waiting to hear back from med schools. I try not to think about it, but it's ever gnawing at me in the back of my brain. There's nothing I can do, I'm at the complete mercy of "the system" and I hate it. I feel like maybe I didn't give it my all, or maybe I'm not good enough, not worthy, what-have-you.

All of this, all of it, is affecting me at my jobs and I can feel it. I feel tired and unmotivated at research. Some days I'm really productive, others (like today) I literally got nothing done despite being there for 3 hours. At my group tutoring thing, I feel disorganized, unfocused, and unable to direct or answer questions. And if they start to feel it, they'll stop coming, which makes it harder for me and those who do stay. I don't even really try to hide these problems but no one's mentioned anything. No one - not one of my friend's - has asked me if I was okay, or if anything's wrong, or pried into it. Am I that good at instinctively hiding this? Is the Mask of Stoicism that foolproof?

I sit here every day and night trying to make the next day better, but it never seems to be. I seem to be waiting for something, but since I graduated, I feel like what I'm waiting for is a future that's foggy at best. Sometimes it's almost graspable, other times it's like a mirage and seems to fade when I get closer. I don't expect anyone to read this, especially this far. This is more for me to have it out, to have it confessed, so it doesn't fester inside me. Hopefully, this has helped me. I'll find out when I wake up in the morning.

Apparently . . .

. . . I need to be saved.

After getting coffee with AG-F after work yesterday, we walked across the campus to a Borders where she had a book on hold. We managed to walk past an evangelist without attracting his attention. But we had to walk back in the same direction to get to where we each needed to go. On the way back, he saw us.

He came up to me and handed me a leaflet with "Christ is Victor" on it. Nevermind that AG-F was walking closer to him. Nevermind that he completely ignored her, bypassing her arm and body to give it to me specifically. After we walked past hearing distance, we both thought "What was that?!" We had expected him to give a leaflet to both her and me, but no, only I had to have one. Our following conversation was something as followed:

Me: "What was that? Did that just happened?"

AG-F: "I don't know. Apparently you need to be saved. Just you, not me."

Me: "That's so weird. Maybe you just look like a generic WASP to him? Hmm, I already have a Bible . . ." (AG-F's Catholic, I think . . . and the Bible was for class)

AG-F: "Clearly they don't have enough of 'you.' They've already enough of 'me,' maybe they already have a whole collection of 'me.' But aren't there lots of Asian Christians?"

Me: "Yeah, but they're all Korean . . ." (Kind of somewhat true)

So yeah, that was strange. I gave her the leaflet so it could fulfill its fate (aka, get recycled). She was headed to the library anyway. On my way back to my apartment, I half-heartedly decided that I want to collect some major religious texts. I already have a Bible (and a Torah in retrospect as that's basically the Old Testament, though I'm sure many would disagree with me). I have excerpts of the Analects of Confucius, excerpts of the I Ching, and the Tao Te Ching. All I need now are the Quran, Buddhist scriptures, and Hindu scriptures to have collected the world's most "popular" religions.
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. . . Asian guys have small penises that drag the average down.

SC-F and RS-M were talking about their mutual friend, Tyler, who apparently has a huge penis. And she was talking about penis sizes and such. At one point, she said something to the effect of, "The overall average seems small to me. (Average = about 6 inches) You know why? It's cuz of all the Asians, they're dragging the average down."

She went on about this for a little bit, about how Asians have smaller penises on average and that it was a fact. And they drag down the average significantly, otherwise it might be an inch or so higher. I don't know if she noticed that I was sitting behind her, because suddenly she turned to me and was like, "No offense."

But how could I not take offense? Granted, I'm not above average but I'm well within the average range (of what, 5 to 6.5 inches?). The strange thing is that it didn't bother me at the time. But when I woke up the next morning, I was so indignant. Sure, I can accept that Asians tend to be on the small side of average, just like Asians tend to be shorter and Asian women tend to have smaller breasts. I can accept that the exceptionally large Asian penises are rare. But to say that "we're" so short that we drag the average down for everyone else, that's just wrong.

I don't know why I felt so indignant, I just did. I almost wished I could go back in time and say to her, "You know what? Asian women have smaller breasts and vaginas." Which isn't exactly false, but again, not lying outside one standard deviation of the normal distribution centered around "average."

Sigh, all the things I wish I had said or should've/could've said.

Wir Betreten Feuertrunken

So I'm playing WoW again. I have a level 20 Blood elf female paladin. It took me a few days (like 4-5). I must admit, there are parts of the game I still remember liking, and other parts that I really really don't care for (I do NOT look forward to walking into contested territory where a high-level person of the opposite faction can one-shot me). This time around, the whole purpose for me is to get to a high enough level (just a few more) so that I can do group dungeon quests with some of my friends who started about 2 weeks before me. I miss my druid - that was my one true class character in this game. Oh well, the paladin's okay . . .

Anyway, the true purpose of this post. I went to see an orchestra concert today with JW-M and SR-F. It was good, they played Beethoven's 9th Symphony. It's so famous and amazing! For many years it defined the symphony, it was the pinnacle of symphonic music - and Beethoven had already been deaf for 6 years before he composed his 9th (and last) symphony!! Can someone be that amazing?!

Beethoven's 9th Symphony is pretty recognizable and well-known even if one never listens to classical music. The most identifiable part is the 4th movement, where the words of the title fits in; they translate from German to "We approach fire-drunk." It's a couple lines into the "Ode to Joy." It's such an epic line. While the chorus and the soloists were singing I kept remembering back to freshman year when my roommate, JW-M, used to sing the first few lines to me in the middle of the night. It was silly, but the words are still so epic. Look them up! Anyway, I had never heard the full original version of Beethoven's 9th Symphony until he played it for me freshman year. And at first I found the singing weird, but it grows on you because it's kind of funny-sounding.

Sitting in front of me in Orchestra Hall was a little kid. I kind of felt bad for him, as the whole symphony's over an hour long. A kid his age does NOT have the attention span to stay awake. I barely had the attention span to stay fully awake the whole piece, and I know and love that symphony!! As I saw him curl into sleep in his chair, I suddenly remembered something random. When my brothers and I were little, we used to have "stick figure wars." Each of us would choose a color and connect 3 sheets of paper lengthwise. Each person took a sheet of paper as their original territory and base. There were (loose) rules to the game. But basically, your stick figures, with their powers and technologies, had to overpower the other two and take over all 3 sheets of paper. There were limits to each person's armies - i.e. no one can have a laser that pierces everything nor can anyone have an energy shield that blocks everything. The "wars" always got ridiculous and someone would get pissed and would have to convince the other 2 of us that he won (which the winner never did).

That was about it. Sum of my day. Also had Chinese take-out food-of-sorts. It was okay.