You're Better Than Me

About a week ago, I had the following conversation with Michelle on gchat (slightly edited):

Michelle: Hey, I try to be open. But when I'm not good enough to talk to someone . . . I get really irritated.
Me: Awww. I never got that sense from her. Maybe I'm just oblivious, idk.
Michelle: No, you fit into a different class of people than me. This is most certainly not the first person I've experienced this response from in our class.
Me: Lol, what do you mean by that?
Michelle: You're better than me. I'm overweight, and I don't look like I have money . . . so I get relegated to a lower class. Plus a myriad of other factors. But I'm judged on the first two sooooo quickly.
Me: How am I better than you? And how do I not meet those criteria too?
Michelle: You're more peppy than me. More positive. People like you. I don't know anyone who doesn't like you.

I was rather taken aback by her statement. While it's true that I don't know of anyone who overtly dislikes me, I'm not exactly best buds and close friends with most people in our class either. I tend to hover outside near the fringes of most social circles. It's a rather weird place to be, tbh.

Maybe I am peppy, though I don't really feel it. I try to be positive, but sometimes that's difficult. In any case, I certainly feel no better than anyone else (and very much the opposite compared to some people I know). If only personality is everything, hehe.

---TANGENT---
1. I got an iPod Touch a few days ago. We need one for use in the hospitals and clinics (apparently). I had the option of getting an iPad but I turned it down. Before you shriek, here's why: it's bigger and less practical to carry around in the hospitals. True, it fits in my white coat, but it's just this big bulky thing that I don't want to have on me at all times (and we'd be required to use it and have it with us at more or less all times). So yeah, I've been fiddling around with this iPod for the past few days. I resisted for a while before getting the Grindr app. I still don't see what the big deal is about it . . . Anyway, any "must get" apps?

2. Landyn's back (sorta)! Go read his update on his blog, Stuck In The Middle.
---END TANGENT---

Will This Work?

So if you recall from like a year ago, things with Jay didn't work. In retrospect, that was probably for the best.

And while I met Drew a couple weeks ago, it looks like things won't work out with him either. Apparently he had gotten back together with his ex-bf - the same guy who brings him such great highs and such great lows (it's a rather bipolar relationship). Things were rocky and last week they've broken up, again. And within the last week, he's been dating this guy he seems to really like. They go to the same undergrad, so it's much easier for them to meet up than, say, with me. Oh well, I saw this coming. I'm not disappointed, per se, I'm happy for him. But man, I still can't quite get over him (which is odd, since we never really got it on to begin with). I think he's one of those people who can connect with almost anyone really easily.
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At the same time, a new guy started messaging me online a couple weeks ago. I'll call him Mel. He seems like a nice guy. Anywho, a few days ago we actually met up for a "date." I say "date" because he considered it a date, but it didn't quite feel like one to me (not that I'd really know).

While he goes to school about 45 minutes away, he had to stop by my area because there's an art store near here that he needed to get supplies from (he's a graphic design and animation student). So we met at a Barnes & Noble at the mall near me. He was wearing a black fedora and a black trench coat; eh, must not judge (but really, a trench coat?). We walked around the mall a bit, making small chat. He seemed nervous and shy. He had this habit of talking in small quick bursts in a low tone, kind of how my youngest brother talks sometimes.

After a few minutes, we went to a sushi place not too far away. It was pretty good, it had been a while since I'd had sushi. The place was pretty empty since it was still a bit early for dinner. We chatted some more. I felt like I had to initiate a few times and be more upbeat, because he seemed somewhat monotone. Once we finished, we went back to the mall to mill about for a bit before saying goodbye.

I don't know. I just didn't feel like we really connected. I mean, we could be good friends but I'm not sure if it'll go any further. There was an odd disconnect in person that I didn't quite feel when chatting online.
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What am I looking for in a person? What am I looking for in myself? Will this work?

I suppose I have more important things to attend to; that is, working out (I've been pretty slack on P90X and it's showing, ugh) and studying for finals and my Step 1 exam in June (I'm less than 60 days away, eep!!). Tick tick tick . . .

Leave Your Mark

Afterburn by `creativ82 on deviantART

It always amazes me how some people can have such an impact on others.

A couple weeks ago I attended a dinner event to which I invited Dr. H and his team to be some of the speakers. He's just as inspiring to me as always. I asked (innocently) the panel about how we as medical providers may help patients adhere to various treatment regimens. At that, the neurosurgeon present called me naive, how we can't change people's behaviors, and how we have to meet patients where they are. Instantly Dr. H took over and agreed that we needed to meet patients where they are. Some patients aren't ready to adhere to a treatment regimen, but what we must do is to help them prepare for the day that they are ready. It's more important that they see us and stay "plugged in" to the health system than to demand them to take their drugs.

I also attended a lunch talk by an MD/MBA about his journey in getting a dual-degree. I love hearing docs with dual-degrees speak because it usually tends to reinvigorate my desire to finish my MPH (which I still fully intend on doing).
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A few days ago I attended the state medical society's annual meeting in the state capital. At this meeting, resolutions are debated, recommendations are made, and then resolutions are voted on. We, the medical students, have made some great changes to the state medical society's policies on a variety of things.

One student put forth an anti-bullying policy that explicitly states the position to oppose bullying in all its forms (including against LGBTQ individuals), and to encourage and support school anti-bullying training programs for students, parents, teachers, counselors, coaches, etc. The specific inclusion of the LGBTQ wording caught some controversy from a few physicians, as they felt it detracted from the "oppose bullying in all its forms." On the floor of the House of Delegates, there were some amazing testimonies from students and physicians in support of keeping the language. One physician (a plastic surgeon) stated that LGBTQ must be included in the resolution as is because, unfortunately, many people still don't see bullying against that population as a legitimate issue. And a med student said that, while LGBTQ students are bullied about as much as any other student, the severity of the bullying may be worse. In the end, the resolution was adopted.

My resolution was adopted without opposition (which is rather rare). I "merely" reworded the hospital non-discrimination policy to include: sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religious beliefs, and disability. The original wording only included class, means, age, and gender. While this resolution may seem like a minor thing, it's really quite significant. With this, it means that every hospital in the state must be that much more inclusive in their non-discrimination policy.

There were other resolutions that we fought for. In retrospect, words can't quite convey the importance of what we were able to accomplish. To be able to, as a med student, change the state medical society's policy and stance on things is pretty impressive.

Change is possible. We are leaving our mark.

Finally!!

Finally . . .

1. Shadowed Dr. P. Well, I guess I didn't actually shadow him as I shadowed his ID (infectious disease) fellow, Dr. S. She was really laid-back and really cool. Dr. P was supposed to mentor another ID fellow, but he never showed up. I was shadowing at a STI (sexually transmitted infection) clinic downtown. It's this small clinic that you'd easily drive by and never notice what goes on in there, lol.

It was really interesting, actually. Yeah, the diseases were all the same, but every guy had a different story to tell (the clinic wasn't set up to do pelvic exams, and hence few women go there). I also got to review some of my microbio with Dr. S, and now I know the treatments for chlamydia and gonorrhea pretty well (1g of azithromycin for the former, 250mg IM shot of ceftriaxone for the latter).

Afterwards Dr. P kept asking me if I was "alright" and if I was bored or not. And I was just like, "Hey, I'd much rather be here doing this than studying pathology right now." I like ID (not 100% sure that's what I'm going to do with my life, but), and I needed something to remind why I'm doing all this (the med school thing, that is). I can say though that I left that clinic with a smile. Go ahead, I know you probably think that's a bit weird, lol.

2. Met Drew. Finally!! We met yesterday at a coffee shop about 10 minutes from where he lives (and about 20 minutes away from me). I arrived earlier than him, because he doesn't drive and takes the bus, so I order a chai. Man, they took their sweet time with making that chai!

I see Drew walk in and he walks right by me. He turns around, I wave, and we say hi. The place was pretty packed, but a table had just opened up as he walked in. We sat down and just chatted. He has one of the prettiest eyes - it's a greenish hazel or something, and it's really nice if the light hits it just so. He also had an adorable smile (and his body appeared a lot fitter than I expected). He plays with his scruffy hair saying how he needs a haircut.

We start kinda joking wittily back and forth about random things, with him referencing a lot of TV shows and such. The witty banter was almost like a light-hearted game of chess - it was fun and kinda silly, hehe. Then he described his geology research (it was actually pretty interesting, however dissimilar from the research I've ever done).

It was good. Before either of us knew, more than 2 hours had flew by and he hadn't ordered a thing. He had wanted to but didn't want to spend the money on it. My friend called me wondering if I would make it to a film screening for Restrepo followed by a discussion with a Vietnam veteran. I told Drew that time was short and had to run soon. We chatted a bit more, and then I gave him a ride home since it was kinda on my way to the highway anyhow.

I never did give him that back rub. And I never collected my rein-check on that bj. But I prefer it this way - coffee date (of sorts?) with just some good talk, and the promise of more later. Later online he said, "It was nice meeting you btw, makes it easier to talk on here."

I like him. He makes me smile. I don't know if this will ever go anywhere or if it can. It almost feels like we're living worlds apart and, just for a moment late one afternoon, met at the boundaries separating us. I kept thinking halfway through, "Man, if only we had met sooner. If only we had a better/more efficient way of meeting. If only we weren't both super-busy. If only you still weren't in love with your ex, even though you know he's a worthless breath of air." C'est la vie.

3. Handing over the reigns. The new leaders for the student groups I've been heading for the last year have been chosen. All of them are competent and I'm confident that they'll do a good job. My obligations are winding down (as boards studying ever ramps up). Just a couple more events and a few "transition meetings" and I'm done!

Operation: Dragon

Blue Dragon. by *Amisgaudi on deviantART

Spring Break never lasts long enough. I only achieved about 1/3 of what I set out to do. :-/

Anyway, "Phase 2" will soon commence. Operation: Phoenix was a partial success, but now to begin Operation: Dragon. In many ways, it'll be similar to Operation: Phoenix only more intense, lol. Goals:

1. Be in bed by 12:45am (12:30am apparently was not feasible)
2. Wake up by 8:30am (8:00am apparently was also not feasible)
3. Continue the P90X program
4. Actually be serious about my diet
5. Buy a Qbank for the USLME Step 1 board exam and begin hardcore studying
6. Other

So I took a few pictures on Day 1 of P90X and like, Day 42-ish. I didn't think I'd see a huge difference but I was surprised! Now, I'm nowhere close to the amazing bodies I've seen people accomplish on the program, but the progress for me was visible (if only a tad subtle). I also apparently lost about 6-8 lbs, which was kinda surprising too. Unfortunately, I've kind of taken the last 2.5 weeks off so I'm going to restart the program from the middle of Phase 2 (instead of going right ahead to Phase 3). I'm hoping for better results this time around! (Sorry, no before and during pics for you all, hehe - still pretty self-conscious about that.)

As for diet, sigh, my body's stupid. -_- I just had my physical check-up at the beginning of the week and apparently, my triglycerides are about 2x normal. Everything else is good though. How does that happen?! o_O Apparently, I should eat fewer sweets, fewer carbs, and drink fewer alcoholic beverages. But . . . I don't eat that many sweets (generally), I don't eat that many carbs (usually), and I seldom drink. Granted, I did eat a lot of gummy bears when I'm at my friend's place in the last 3-4 weeks and I did have a few beers to celebrate a friend's b-day right before break, maybe that's the cause? Hmmm. Weird.

I've really got to get on studying hardcore for the board exam. Got to buy a Qbank and do 10-20 questions a night until May, at which point I'll have to kick it up several notches. Also, I must review my books for that exam a bit more in-depth now.

Lastly, Drew is on Spring Break this coming week and my week is fairly lax. Meaning, we will (somehow) find a way to meet each other this coming week. I've promised him a back massage, lol. I did also take a rein-check on a blowjob he offered like 3 weeks ago, but I'm not holding him to that (not right now, anyway). :-P

What Brings You In Today?

So I didn't do as bad on my pharm exam as I had feared. Not as well as I'd like, but it's an acceptable score. Moving on . . .

Physician 5 by ~stitchxwitch on deviantART

One of our courses this year is on learning how to take a history and physical exam. It is almost entirely what you make of it. I have friends who simply go through the motions of doing a physical exam and are almost unable to distinguish a normal heart sound from bowel sounds (a slight exaggeration). It is insufficient to simply go through the motions when, come July, interns and residents will ask us to do a physical on a patient and expect to trust our findings.

Last week I had a 71-year-old patient. He had a rather extensive history and an "impressive" medication list. I recognized and knew the mechanisms of action for over half the drugs he was on (because we were just tested on those drugs the day before). His physical exam was a bit tough (as for some reason geriatric patients are always tough for me). Being overweight doesn't help either. :-/

This week I had a 13-year-old patient. Have I ever mentioned how I love pediatric patients (insofar as doing physical exams)? I could hear her heart and lung sounds so clearly. Her reflexes were easier to find. I felt her abdominal aorta. I've never felt anyone's abdominal aorta before (because one has to be rather lean in order to feel it, unless one has an abdominal aortic aneurysm - in which case it's a medical emergency!). I finally figured out the ophthalmoscope and saw the red reflex and the optic disk in the back of the eyes. Looking in ears have always been rather easy for me - I even once got a 2-year-old with an ear infection to cooperate with me!

It is truly a privilege to be able to ask someone, "What brings you in today?" and "How can I help you?", and have them tell you something so intimate and for you to (hopefully) be able to do something tangible about it. It is a privilege that people allow us to touch their bodies in sometimes weird and uncomfortable ways to figure out what's wrong.

Come July, I expect myself to be able to do a physical exam to the point where I can, at minimum, tell a resident what is "normal" and what is "abnormal." Unlike my friend, I will not mistake a bowel sound for an abnormal heart sound.

P.S. I've really got to get myself a clipboard.

Defeated & Scattered

I had a pharmacology exam last week. It was brutal. Memorizing 200+ drugs - how they work, what they work on, what they're for, when not to take them - is brutal. There was one question where I literally wrote: "I forget and I give up. I'd rather admit this than make up a drug like loperamine." And then I drew a sad face. With a single tear.

Yes, I felt defeated. I still kinda do. I'm tired and I'm scattered. My desk is a mess (it's an accurate reflection of my current state) and I haven't felt motivated to clean it up. And for the first time all semester, I didn't work out 6x/week (P90X) consistently. :-/

There are many things I should do. There are many things I have to do. But I can't seem to remember what most of them are right now. ::Thinks::

Haven't met Drew yet. I'm not sure when/if that'll happen. He's busy, I was busy. He's apparently been dating a couple of guys (sigh), but it seems none have what he's looking for in a relationship. Perhaps I'll have better luck? (At least I got his address . . . he had wanted an impromptu back-rub and to give a bj that I refused - why? I'm not sure.) I've told him either Monday or Wednesday this week would work for me, or else I'm calling him out on a Saturday after Spring Break (next week for me - excited to go home!). Let's see how he responds.
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Anyway, in other news . . .

Zheng Lab - Bad Project (Lady Gaga parody)

I found this hilarious. I could sympathize with the person in there (having worked in similar labs before). And I love how her dresses were made of lab materials, lol.

Tonight I'm Frakking You

This is hilarious as well. I think the person in the Princess Leia cos-play is pretty attractive, haha.