Thursday, April 10, 2008

Dating Limbo

First, some good news. I've ran every day this week since Sunday! After gaining like 5-7 lbs in less than 2 weeks, I'm determined to shed off that weight and much more, and so have endeavored to attempt to run every day. Only time will tell how successful I am. But, I ran about 2 miles on Sunday, over 3 miles on Monday, more than 2 (but less than 3) miles yesterday, and about 1.5-2 miles today. So I'm feeling pretty good about that. Oh, and I've also re-installed breakfast, albeit a very small and quick breakfast.

Now, on to the topic at hand. I feel like I'm in some kind of dating limbo where I've made neither forward progress nor backwards regression. I had thought that during my undergrad years I would figure out for sure my sexuality, explore dating (guys and/or girls), and maybe even find that one person to spend my life with. Clearly, none of this has happened. I'm just as inexperienced as when I started 4 years ago, and not that much closer to figuring things out (though this blog helps).

And I can't help but think, what is holding me back? I had attributed it to my low self-esteem and body image. Freshman and sophomore years I didn't do too much to address this, but last year and this year I've made some progress. My legs are more muscular from all the running I do, and my arms now have significantly more muscle and less flab. However, everything between my arms and legs hasn't changed all that much, despite all my attempts. Maybe I should try harder? For at least a flat stomach if a six-pack isn't achievable in the next couple months. In any case, I still feel insecure about my body but that bothers me less so these days.

Someone also told me once that something about my inherent nature makes it more difficult for some people to see me as a romantic interest. In a sense, I become that "really good friend." I'm non-threatening, thereby allowing me to make good friendships rather quickly if I wanted. This is also a double-edged sword as it's difficult for me to get much further than friendship. Do I lack a sense of danger? A sense of mystery? Some kind of sexy vibe?

Lastly, I also find it difficult to tell if someone's interested in me. I'm actually woefully bad at this. I just found out that RZ-F is dating DC-M, a friend I knew way back from elementary school. DC-M and I used to live a street over throughout elementary school, and then I moved towards the end of middle school. Although we attended the same high school and now the same university, we hardly see each other due to our course selection. RZ-F can do better, he can't keep up with her intellectually and their interests don't seem to match too well. Clearly, this affects me.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I don't know how to read, or even recognize, these "signals" people talk about. I don't know how to ask someone out, what to say, what to do. I don't even know if the opportunity is at hand or if it's already passed, like with RZ-F (this would be like, the 2nd or 3rd time this has happened between her and me). I also don't know what to say to make a person interested in me, or keep a person interested in me.

So I'm at a loss. All I seem able to do is get close, or as close as a friendship could get, and pine away. And I sit here with that longing and yearning in my chest. I feel so old and not having had any romantic relationships. Forget sex, that can wait, some other things must come first.

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